always athena

sorry for the delay

2012-01-23T15:01:00.001-07:00

I have been very busy with work but some progress has been made, however slight.

I purchased my first pair of Vibrams (in Slate/Palm). Well, first i purchased the wrong size because i couldn't actually try them on (the style i wanted is not available at the local REI) and followed the chart rather than my gut, but after another order and return i'm now wearing the right size. I'm a little annoyed about the poky side of the velcro strap being at the base facing out rather than at the end of the strap and in. I've broken them in and they feel lovely until i've stood in them for four hours straight. I'm not sure i'll ever be able to wear them for a full shift at work while standing on a pad on tile over concrete for 8-9 hours. I'm also annoyed that the velcro is starting to fray, but i suppose all things wear out. I've been trimming stray threads.

I bought Barefoot Running Step by Step with the B&N gift card i got from my Secret Santa. This book isn't available at our local library and i must admit that i've barely read it. Saxton doesn't seem to like Vibrams because they cut off too much sensation. From personal experience i can confirm that i was surprised how thick Vibrams feel. I feel more than with normal shoes but less than i would like. That is, unless i'm walking on gravel, and i'm still getting used to that. What bothers me about his claim is that calloused feet cut off sensation, too, in my experience. The more one walks/runs barefoot the thicker the skin on the bottom of one's feet gets. Is he going to start blasting barefooting next?

I really, really want to start training for my next triathlon but i'm not sure where to find the time or energy. My feet and legs have been killing me at work again. I finally got to a point where my calves aren't cramping every morning as soon as i try to get out of hammock again but on Friday i felt like i had low bloodsugar right before lunch despite the fact that i had eaten breakfast and a snack that day. I've only felt like that when i was sitting most of the day in the past...say at the end of a class and then walking on the way to get food right NOW rather than after standing on my feet for 3.75 hours (less a fifteen minute break) and with another fifteen minutes to go before i can rest and eat.

Every day at work i feel like i've run 10k, which is to say twice as far as i've ever run before. You wouldn't think that standing in one spot for most of the day would feel like a full body workout, but believe me it does. And per usual the scale doesn't seem to take note. I think that i need to have a better diet but i'm not sure i can afford one or have the time. Things are further exacerbated by the fact that i have no reliable transportation and work is too far away for me to bike to. The majority of the time that i have been at this job i have been dropped off at the beginning of the shift, picked up at the end of it, straight to, straight from except for picking up siblings from basketball practice or attending one of their games. If i'm lucky i get to go grocery shopping once every two weeks and i grab frozen dinners and a few other things. I don't think i have a high enough caloric intake...but once again, i'm still not losing any weight.

Time and energy both seem to be valuable commodities that i have far too little of. I can't even comprehend how i was training two years ago while working and attending college full time. It seems impossible. And here i am wanting to get into backpacking/hammock camping in a really bad way. I'm thinking of starting locally and trying to find some amazing places to take photos to start out. But financial issues are a big concern. I don't know that i will have my conventional job in February (we're in the midst of Inventory and i am seasonal help). There are no jobs to be had via the paper or Craigslist. I might have to make a go of it on Etsy or DeviantArt. I might suddenly have a lot of time for writing and training but not be able to pay my bills. Time will tell...

I was looking for an online support group or local training group today and was surprised to find next to nothing. I found one blog where a woman has lost 40-50 pounds and is whining about not being able to lose the last 15 to get below the Athena threshold. I can't even imagine getting my weight below 200 pounds anymore. I still wonder what it would be like to race for charity and then realize that no one probably would want to support me at my weight.

seriously?

2011-12-11T22:17:00.001-07:00

Sometimes i feel as if people are trying too hard to sell me on something i want to believe in and as a result they end up turning me off rather than convincing me. This was definitely the case while browsing the MadeToRun website/blog.

On the other hand, i'm not sure humor is the way to go. There were two videos that i saw today that amused me very much but didn't help answer questions, either. For instance this Anti-Shoe Infomercial:

which makes fun of itself so much that it compromises the point that it's trying to make (if they are pro-barefoot) and The Barefoot Runner (warning: NSFW from :25-:30):

in which very little running actually occurs.

I don't want to hear/read studies or common sense be referenced. I want people to relate their personal experiences. I want to know what others feel and have felt so i can guess what i would feel if i were in their shoes. That is why Leah's KomodoSport review and Justin's ...Power of Bare Feet have sold me more than anything else i've read in the past few hours. They are real, they ring true, they give voice to things i've known and felt (if only in my gut) but couldn't manage to put into words myself.

The rest...well i'm still hating the fact that i'm working somewhere that mostly carries merchandise made in China and remembering what someone said today in Sunday school. Americans today feel entitled to things that they shouldn't, that have no worth when we don't have to struggle to obtain them. I know that fits into my life somehow.

43 things and 100-up

2011-12-11T21:22:00.001-07:00

I've been working as a cashier again as seasonal help. When i did this before i was in better shape and am pretty sure that i had shorter shifts. I know i did after it became part-time and no longer seasonal because i was still in school. This is even how i funded the training for my first triathlon. But now...i have gained weight and am working nine hour shifts. It was brutal for the first 4-6 weeks i'd say. I think that i have lost a little bit of weight and now i usually only get really sore on Saturdays...after working 2-3 of these shifts in a row.

I really want to start training again. I have been wearing my latest pair of running shoes while at work and have been considering alternative methods of shodding my feet once i start working out again. In fact, i started thinking about it just as soon as i had bought these shoes. Oh the irony, but now these shoes do have a use and i have a little cash influx i'm wondering if i should splurge on some Vibrams or just wait a while and see what the new year brings to the shoe market. I tried some on at REI and did like them a lot, but of course i haven't run in them and they only had black in my sizes. I don't want black shoes because that would be horrible in the summer. I do live in the desert after all. Now i'm being crazy and even wondering if i should be wearing shoes like Vibrams 24/7...at work and casually, if not at church. I am so over high heels and quickly discovered that taking my shoes off for a while does help when your feet are screaming at you.

So my resolution for the new year...is to start training again and to actually write about it. I am also seriously considering making a transition into barefoot running. To that end i think i'll probably at least try the 100-Up challenge (for some reason, 43 Things won't let me add this as a goal, but it's still one that i'm making) as detailed in an article written by Christopher McDougall (author of Born to Run). I think that the biggest challenge to my training right now is simply finding time to do it. Forget money, or even a place to swim (which i figure i can largely ignore for the time being as it is my strongest event), i am working five days a week and have no source of independent transportation. I feel like i have even less free time now than i did when i was still in school. Besides my cashiering 30-35 hours a week i am teaching knitting classes one day a week. I hardly have time to game, and usually only make it to the grocery store to buy lunches about once every two weeks. Most of all, i don't know if i should hope to be unemployed (save the teaching position) come January or try to keep this job. I don't know what i should be doing. Hopefully i have it figured out soon.

not as limited (or dirty) as we thought

2011-07-16T12:02:00.000-06:00

Did anyone else know that oil is not technically a finite resource? It's composed of algae and formed underground after "millions" of years. This is something i've been wondering about for a while, since discovering that coal has been forming in the area of Spirit Lake since the Mount St. Helens eruption (upon some further digging, this seems to be controversial and perhaps not as certain).

So apparently Solazyme has been testing this fuel for a couple of years now, on its own and with the US Navy, and now Japanese companies are starting to pursue the same technologies. But interestingly, oil in nature is fossilized algae, but this oil seems to be made by the algae...they feed the algae and it converts plant matter into oil that has less contaminants than what is pumped out of the ground. That's pretty amazing.

Athena

2011-07-09T12:41:00.001-06:00

As readers may have noticed, i changed my blog's title for the first time in a year and a half. I used to change the title of this blog more often. As i recall, it started out as Dark Fire...which was quite a while ago.

The purpose of this blog changed quite a bit the last time i changed the title. I had been blogging about personal things mostly, and sometimes political, but after the change it mostly became an exercise log with personal stuff thrown in. These days i keep a lot of my personal rants under lockdown at my LiveJournal and only allow friends to read about them. My super personal messages i am gradually posting over there and deleting over here in an attempt to recover privacy. Not that any of you probably read any of those posts anyway! I was really openly depressed most often when i first started this blog.

I am actually surprised how measured the posts of the past year and a half have been. So yesterday and today i have been wading through the triathlon and running posts. I'm not going to be using MapMyTri anymore (you basically have to use an app now) but i do hope to continue logging workouts here. I really need to start writing more for EH4R again. And because i'm teaching two knitting classes this fall, i'll most likely be blogging at BTL more in the near future, as well. Now if i could only find a "real" job. I applied at Michaels to teach knitting classes, but they apparently can't be bothered to get in touch with me. So who knows what i'll be doing in the months to come.

ETA: "Why Athena?" you may be asking. This is to focus on the fact that i am an obese triathlete. Even if i were to lose all the weight (which i hope i am capable of achieving, but at the same time doubt) i would still be considered an Athena (when i was lifeguarding in high school and in great shape i weighed 160). So i will always be an Athena even if i never compete under that category and/or choose to compete against my AG (age group). In addition, Athena was considered to be the goddess of wisdom, weaving (which i suppose would make her the patron of knitting, as well), and she's meant to be an unwearying warrior virgin. Yeah, i could do with being more like that.

to tri or not to tri?

2011-07-09T00:20:00.001-06:00

So i've been out of school for about two months and have yet to find a job. I feel like i'm still recovering from school, actually. Anyway, prospective employers thus far have been very rude and not even done so much as let me know that they've received my application or the position has been filled, etc. I really don't understand unprofessional behavior like refusing to provide information about a position. If you advertise that you have an opening then you should be prepared to inform applicants about requirements, benefits, etc. So basically i keep applying for jobs that i don't really have much information about and never hear anything back.

I have mixed feelings about trying to train for triathlons again. I really don't see how i could afford to do so while unemployed. I can't pay for a gym membership. I suppose i could focus only on cycling and running (which isn't too bad, seeing how swimming is my strongest event, and if i improve on the other two then my swimming will probably automatically improve as well). But no more can i afford to enter any triathlons. That, with the heat and my allergies being terrible this year, has really been a deterrent to throwing myself back into training.

On the 4th i rode my bike almost 10 miles. We had been camping, and were coming home the "back" way, which is to say taking the dirt rode that zigzags down the mountain rather than taking the highway the long way around. After a point, three of my siblings and i started to coast down the mountain, and three of us kept going the entire way home. This may sound like it isn't a very exhausting prospect...well, things couldn't be further from the truth. There were several factors at work here.

I haven't been riding much lately and didn't have my padded shorts on.
My siblings are all younger than me and I felt it was important to stay behind the youngest and make sure she was safe...so i used the breaks more than i would have had i been alone.
There was some uphill pedaling... There wasn't a lot, but at least one stretch was a steep incline.
High altitude + bad allergies = hard to breathe (this improved the lower in elevation we got).
It was hot! In the mid-70s (F) at the top and low 90s at the bottom.
We didn't have enough water on the bikes (though we did periodically stop to get a drink out of the van, which was following us)
Though coasting, i discovered that i was diverting my weight to the pedals more than i would have expected. Rather than keeping them at equal heights to the ground (as one does when mountain biking), i kept alternating which pedal was lower and shifting in the seat so my weight was over the pedal.

To sum up, my hands and butt and legs all got tired. My arms far more tired than i was anticipating. I couldn't adjust my grip a lot because i was braking so much. The next day i had no energy. I wasn't sore so much as achy, and mostly in my arms. Taking the stairs in our house a few times just about wiped me out. But then i had insomnia, got absolutely no sleep, and the day after that i felt like crap. I had even less energy. See, if i'm going to be training, i need to eat more and sleep more, and right now both of those things are elusive. So i'm not sure what to do.

I keep telling myself that i need a goal. I have no idea what to aim for. I thought about Escape from Alcatraz. For some reason, ever since i heard of that race, i've thought it was the ultimate goal race for me. Challenging swim and shorter bike leg (though considering the fact that it's in San Fran...is probably brutal). So i thought, hey, maybe if i start training now i can do a bunch of sprints in 2012 and break into olympics in 2013. One of them ideally being Alcatraz. And then i looked up the requirements at the website. You have to compete in another race first. Not only that, but you have to come in first or second for your age group. So i guess that's entirely out of the question.

Even if i did nothing but train, i don't see that i could be winning triathlons within a year. I'm an athena. I will probably always be an athena. There are ten "Director's Choice" slots, but making it to Alcatraz seems like a complete impossibility.

I keep thinking about a video that i watched back in May about a young man who was obese and depressed and ran his weight off and got his life back on track. It's very frustrating to me that my results were nowhere near the same. I had a string of injuries, never lost weight, then gained more weight. I know that it could have been worse, but i feel cheated. Why can't i run faster? Longer? Same question about my bike. I don't care as much about my swim. I'm swimming faster than ever, probably because my body is more buoyant than ever. I don't want to win triathlons, i just want to be able to finish them. I want to get my body back. I'm scared to even try again. I weigh even more now than last time around and have less money. No one will train with me. I'm hot just sitting here, let alone trying to go outside when the sun is up.

But i keep wondering. Of course i can't succeed if i keep telling myself that i can't. I read about people who thought they would never be able to finish a marathon or an ironman, about them realizing that they could do it. They say that the reason people can't achieve things is because they tell themselves that they can't. Tell that to my high school self, who worked her ass off but had coaches and teammates intent on tearing her down every day. No one is ever going to tell me that i can do this, and even if they did, i wouldn't believe them. I have to tell myself. I just don't know how to get from here to there.

musings on Triathlete

2011-05-14T14:25:00.002-06:00

First off, i am now a college graduate (well, as of tomorrow), and hope to have more time to actually write...seeing how that is what i went to school for.

Secondly, i am so ready to resume training. I have been/felt far too busy this semester to do much of anything. I think i got two runs in. My father was too busy to put the bike rack on my car (and i still have no idea where he's hid it) so i didn't get to ride on campus once, which is a real shame as Monday, Wednesday, Friday i had to speedwalk across campus and would have much more preferred cycling.

Thirdly, i listened to the audio book version of Born to Run and have been contemplating modifying my footfall/gait/etc. I grew up running around barefoot and long to be able to love running again.

So...about Triathlete. The local library gets it, and i have picked up somewhere between 5-10 issues and at least scanned it cover to cover. A couple of letters to the editor caught my attention in the April 2011 issue. First off, is WD-40 a lubricant or not? Two readers point out that it's not, and then a senior editor chimes in by quoting the article and denying that it's called a lubricant. I'm not sure if we're meant to trust him, admire his audacity, or laugh, because he quoted the part of the article that calls it a lubricant. In a section praising the benefits of using WD-40 the author calls it "that trusty blue can of lubricant." Guess what, WD-40 comes in a blue can and was the topic of the paragraph, so it stands to reason that it's the topic of a sentence in the middle of the paragraph, too. It's bad writing and editing all around.

But my main concern is the letter entitled "California Girls." Ms. Brenda Travis complains that the models in a photoshoot for an article were so thin that they must have had implants and liposuction, so she complains about the casual use of plastic surgery. She then points to the females pictured on other pages as better examples of the female form. Well, i hate to break it to Brenda, but i can't find a single picture in Triathlete of a woman who isn't super-thin, whether she is a model (Must they frown at the camera? Is it bad to look like you're having fun when you're working out?) or a super-athlete. This has been niggling at me for a while now, but i've been too busy to give full voice to it.

The fact is, though there are a couple of token articles geared towards beginners and athenas/clydesdales, Triathlete seems to very much be an Ironman, professional athlete, expensive gear required type of enterprise. Their "inspirational" tales are about people who are super thin and clad in name brand athletic wear that is far too tight for the average person, let alone an athena such as myself.

In fact, Triathlete takes this so far that it's offensive. Starting on page 92 there is an article entitled "Lose Weight to Train (Don't Train to Lose Weight)." They didn't even find an overweight or average sized person to picture, no there's a cartoonish "Evolution of Man" spoof where a man starts out bent over and spitting and gradually starts to run. First off, this is disgusting, not to mention offensive. The man seems to buff up a bit, but he's not really out of shape to begin with. Are we meant to believe that anyone who isn't a triathlete should be equated with a chimp? Turn the page, and we discover "Rule No. 1" which seems to think that it's reasonable to diet with an 800 calorie a day intake if you aren't training...as long as you have "proper medical supervision." Excuse me? Any doctor who would supervise that wouldn't be "proper." Our bodies are not meant to shed weight that fast, it places a far greater danger to our health than remaining a heavier weight does. To sum up, Mr. Matt Fitzgerald endorses losing weight before training with an odd preference for starving one's self rather than having a healthy diet combined with exercise. I can't even believe that Triathlete published this nonsense. Use some common sense.

I do agree that the goal should be fitness, far more than it should be weightloss. That is the belief that has always guided me when exercising, which is good, because i don't lose much weight when training. But over the past couple of months i have realized that i don't want to look like the typical athlete. I don't want to have the newest and most expensive equipment. I don't want to dress in a way that is virtually identical to everyone that i am racing against. I like standing out, which is just as well because i can't help it. I've always been an Other, an outsider, i never chose that, it's the way people treat me. I'm not into denying who i am or using ingratiating behavior just to make others feel better about themselves and like me more because i am stroking their ego in an unhealthy way. No, i'm about genuine relationships where people are different, people are loved for who they are, and people actually encourage one another for being who they really are rather than a social construct. To me, being pro-athlete or model thin is a very unhealthy social construct.

I don't want to live thinking "i would run this much faster if i just lost ten pounds." I don't want to train thinking "if i bought that $2000 bike then i could be in the top ten." No, i want to train and live competing against my former self. I want to live and train knowing that i finished the race through persistence and endurance, not because i paid for the best tech or tore my body apart. I know that i am beautiful at this size, and i don't want to ever be smaller than a size 12 ever again (which is good, because i don't think that such a goal would be healthy or attainable).

Okay, so Mr. Fitzgerald has a couple of good points in his article, and the article is okay, but it also has some glaring opinions in it that just don't settle well for me. But that still begs the question of who it's geared at. He's not writing for me, that's abundantly clear; he's writing for people who are already a healthy(ish) weight but want to weigh even less to be faster. He's looking at the people who gained a little weight during the off-season, not the people who live with their weight for decades and have varying body images and opinions.

I guess that my real issue here is that (per usual) i do not fit in the mold that they are trying to put me in. While people are breaking world records for fastest race, i have still only finished one. I can't afford to travel the world racing. I don't know if i could ever be in an Ironman or the Olympics...probably not. But the competitive part of me...part of me wants to really submerge myself into this world and beat people who weigh half as much as me. The main part of me, though, longs for the camaraderie that was talked about in Born to Run. I don't know if i can embrace everything in that book, but i want to embrace some of it. Once again i have a long road ahead of me...but that's okay. It's the journey that counts. I know where my ultimate destination is.

training?

2011-04-03T13:45:00.000-06:00

I don't know what to do, i've only been able to gain weight over the past 11+ years, it's very frustrating. But i went running on Friday, starting over with Cto5k Week 1, and rode my bike about 3 miles yesterday, which wasn't especially strenuous (younger siblings came along, so there was a lot of stopping and starting), but i am sore from the running, which didn't go as well as i would have liked.

Trying to lose weight is incredibly frustrating. Training and dieting are both futile, and any time i'm not training...well i pretty much weigh more than i ever have before right now. In fact, it's getting pretty dire. I just wish that i knew what to do about it.

i just realized

2010-03-18T11:22:00.002-06:00

i usually don't carry cash very much anymore. i rarely take the time to go to an ATM, and some of the ones i do use charge fees (which eventually gets refunded to me, but still, is ridiculous). For some reason, i don't like to get cash with my debit card when checking out at the grocery store or Wal-Mart or wherever. It just feels wrong somehow, like i'm being lazy, which is ridiculous because if i only need $20-40 (which is probable) then it is a very efficient way to get money without having to pay a fee. When did i get so set in my old ways that i didn't adapt with the changing times and ease of cash back with my debit purchases?

political apologetics

2010-03-18T11:07:00.006-06:00

Last night i watched some West Wing from the first season, which is something that i hadn't done in a very long time. i was shocked to discover that i had seen six out of the first eight episodes. i didn't think i started watching the show until the second or third season. i'm wondering if i caught reruns later on and didn't realize that it was the first season because Moira Kelly is only in half of the episodes.

i forgot how much i loved this show. i absolutely love CJ's klutziness and ineptitude with men (which is funny because Danny's throwing himself at her). i love Toby's crankiness and Sam and Josh's sarcasm. i love Leo's authority and quiet fortitude in the face of his divorce. i love that Donna wants to buy a dvd player, but can't because the administration doesn't "trust her to make a smart investment" so she keeps the change from Josh's lunch for the same reason. i love the chemistry between Jed and Abbey, how she didn't come in right away but was instantly the perfect first lady for the president that has the tendency to get pissed off at the wrong time for the right reasons. i love how this president is pro-life and has faith despite the fact that he's a Democrat (actually, his Catholicism is probably why he's a Democrat, i'm merely commenting on the fact that most in that party are not pro-life, though i am glad to say there are exceptions), that he's a complete nerd, that everyone in the office is brilliant, but makes mistakes like the rest of us.

At the moment, i am exhausted with politics. One of the things i dislike about the West Wing is the tendency for the characters to get conceited towards whoever they're talking to, with total disregard for the person's personal beliefs, because the former "knows" that he or she is smarter, and right. i will allow that very often this attitude turns around to bite them in the butt, but not always. i'm thinking of one time where the Prez and VP are having a fight because they both feel as if the other man is slighting them, not giving enough respect. Why do men have such conceit? Why do they have to strut and make themselves look stupid in attempt to achieve the opposite?

i will never vote any party line. If i was in Congress, i would vote my conscience. i'm not good at falling in line just to fulfill the wishes of someone with their own agenda for its own sake instead of primarily doing what's right for the country and its citizens. Which of course is why i'll never be in Congress, because our government apparently isn't run that way.

The most important issue to me with always be life. i feel bad for Michael J. Fox, i do, but i will never be able to justify using the helpless in an attempt to strengthen the strong, particularly when research with adult stem cells has proved to be more promising than fetal stem cells. i know it's not popular to be pro-life, because everyone wants to feel as if they have been empowered to make whatever choice they want in order to make themself feel better, stronger, etc., but that always needs to be prefaced with not harming anyone else... Which is why i do not understand the Libertarian line on being pro-choice: if hurting others does not apply to killing an innocent and helpless baby, then what does? Punishing someone else for your own mistakes is wrong (not that i consider a baby to be a mistake).

i believe in smaller government, because government has the tendency to take away freedoms, to attempt to control that which should be up to the individual, to become a nanny state that wants to take care of its people from cradle to grave. i believe in individuals empowering themselves, not having anyone tell them "this is how you must live your life because we say so." That isn't a life. i am against socialism 100% because it penalizes the successful for achieving success and says that the individual has no right to defend one's self from those that would seek to put him or her down and keep them there. i am for freedom and capitalism because other systems subvert the right to liberty and to pursue happiness. One's happiness should never depend on the government taking money away from one neighbor and give it to the neighbor who refuses to take part in the pursuit or is less able (taking care of those less able is a responsibility of the Church and charities).

i don't believe in evolution, and if i did then i would be for Survival of the Fittest in terms of man: we are at the top of the food chain. So it makes absolutely no sense for an evolutionist to believe in protecting the environment because we would only be doing what we had evolved to do. i don't believe in global warming, but i believe in conservation and protecting the environment as long as it is not at the loss of human life and livelihood (in other words, within reason). The Bible tells us that man is meant to subdue and protect the earth.

i believe in the Constitution, in what the Founding Fathers were trying to achieve, even as i acknowledge that there were some compromises made within its lines. The Declaration of Independence stated that all men are created equal, and it's horrible how America took advantage of Native Americans and slaves (no matter what their heritage), but i cannot change that. i cannot make any reparations, i can only fight against enslaving new peoples. Even as i am proud of my German heritage, i am aware that my American grandparents' distant cousins allowed (perhaps even caused) horrible things to happen. i cannot change that, either, i can only speak out against it happening in this country as well.

i have never wanted to live in the past before, but oh how i envy how our ancestors were able to travel to a new, untamed land, and form it with their hands into something better. There is no place left on this earth that hasn't been claimed, that cannot be worked by people of all races working to improve their lives while remaining mindful of their equality, own ability to overcome problem's that their peers may fail at, protect the land they have been given, and choose to help enable their neighbors when they are able. Despite my great love for this country, in some ways i am ready to abandon it, for fear of what it is pressing towards becoming. Obama is no Bartlet, and even as i hope for deliverance i live in fear.

i do not believe in world peace. i know that sounds horrible, but it's true. i'm no xenophobe, i want to travel around the world, i don't want to wage war, but praying for one world government, for world peace, is like begging God to enable the anti-Christ. Read your Bible, things are going to be horrific once this happens.

i am not British, but i have grown up reading their literature and learning about their history (more about their history than any other foreign country, at least). There is a chance that i have some Scottish blood in me, but i do not know that with complete certainty. When i say that i am a Conservative, i will not ever apologize for that, but that does not mean the same thing to the rest of the world, or even to many in this country, that it does to one who is conservative It is important to understand the process that brought our country to the point where, what once was an outrageous idea, is now the one that is set in stone and steeped in hundreds of years of history. i am definitely no expert in the matter, but i have a bit of an understanding that the Founding Fathers were intellectuals that knew what parts of Roman republicanism worked and incorporated that with aspects of British parliamentary practices. They knew that having a king can be just as dangerous as having a dictator, and had learned from earlier colonists that socialism was a good way to make colonies fail.

So they did the unthinkable and formed a government that limited the powers of the government and empowered the rights of the individual. This didn't work perfectly, because at first the federal government didn't have enough power, and slave owners had more rights than they should have, but even the authors of a noble experiment are fallible and likely to make mistakes. The question is whether or not we have learned from those mistakes. The ideals espoused by America's Founding Fathers are still considered to be extreme by people around the world, to be a beacon of hope to the people who believe in the same dream they did. i'm sure that many consider those ideals to be liberal (in the truest sense of the world), but over time these ideals stopped being strongly espoused by many in the Democrat party and became the protectorate of the then newly formed Republican party, that is to say Lincoln's party. We were liberal enough to change the Constitution to free the slaves but conservative enough to cling to the ideas in the Constitution that work. Now we are considered to just be backwards, when in reality we are still carrying the banner in an ongoing experiment.

i do not know much about the Progressives in this country, and most of my information on them is from Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh, who i do not always agree with but acknowledge are smarter and better informed than i am (it helps to have a staff, i'm sure). But the Progressives, who are hiding behind the labels of liberal and Democrat, are really nothing of the sort. Democrats originally were called Democratic Republicans, and held to the same ideals now considered to be conservative (some still do, of course). The Democrat party has been hijacked by people who want us to believe that they are trying something new, a noble experiment where everyone is equal and everything will be sunshine and daisies. The trouble is that it's all a lie. They are only espousing socialism, Marxism, etc, they only want to take money from the rich and keep everyone poor in order to place themselves in power, and anyone who does not fall in line will be damned. i watched the Hiding Place last week, i saw a little of what the Nazis did to those who spoke up for those who did not have a voice. You can watch Schindler's List to see a bit of what happened to the people the Ten Booms were speaking up for.

i ask you, is that what anyone wants America to become? Do we want the people with large families to be arrested? The people who believe in the same God that the majority of our Founding Fathers did to be told that they cannot teach their own children what they believe? You laugh at me, but children are already being (essentially) brainwashed in public schools and there were hints of getting children to inform on their parents even a couple of decades ago (i'm sure it's worse now). Having a large family, something which was once normal (in Austen's day, a family of eight children was *small*), is now considered to be incredible, even crazy. Now we are told that our planet does not have enough resources to sustain us and that we are selfish to love our children while the rest of the world suffers (even as governments controlled by those with similar feelings to the Progressives keep those peoples controlled and held down).

It astounds me how many people are against the war in Iraq. Did it happen for the wrong reasons? Of course it did. Were there any nukes? No, but Hussein wanted us to think that there were, he thumbed his nose at us, and lied through his teeth. The truth is that he did have weapons that he wasn't meant to and the he was suppressing a people just as the Nazis suppressed the Jews and many Christians (those termed political prisoners). Why are we saying that it was a bad thing to overthrow a tyrant such as this? Why is it a horrible thing to rebuild a country that was ravaged by its own leader? Oh, i know, it's not our place to help them rebuild, what then should we say to Japan and every other country on this planet that owes the U.S. money because we helped them rebuild. Yes, we nuked Japan, we have waged war (and not always in ways that were right), but we always try to rebuild things better than before we came.

Is this news to anyone? America stopped socialism and communism in other countries, and struck blows to them elsewhere, all to be demonized for standing up for the principles we were founded upon. Tyranny is not as easy to get away with as it once was, though in my opinion it is still far too easy. Now the Progressives are here, ready to strike at the heart of those who have defended the weak, the poor, for so long, and helped them achieve greatness. What will happen to the world if we--the Beacon for freedom--should fall? Who will stand against oppression then? There will be no one, such will be the day that the anti-christ comes to power. The world will rejoice, the Christians will hopefully be raptured, and the Jews will go into hiding. Those who stand for freedom, for the radical ideas that were espoused by the Founding Fathers, will be mocked and killed. Right now, that time seems closer than ever.

ETA: i firmly uphold everyone's right to believe and say whatever they choose, but i will never remain silent to appease those who are ignorant or have ill will. i know that many disagree with me, i mean no hatred or disrespect, and am not seeking to start a fight, but hopefully gently inform. However, i am tired of being insulted every single day i sit in class because people around me don't believe that my opinion is as valid, or smart, as theirs. i love history, i love the USA, and i pray for its people, those who are content to be led into the darkness because they do not or cannot recognize it for what it is. This battle is not about what political party one belongs to, but whether we are willing to stand against, what history shows to be a brutal and would be just as much (if not more) so were such a regime to come to power in the United States.

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."
~ George Santayana

owie

2010-03-12T00:59:00.000-07:00

My bum hurts. As do my thighs. Actually, i'm just tired all over, really. Headwinds kick my butt. ):

Global Warming and CO2

2010-03-08T16:48:00.006-07:00

This is kind of old news, but it seems to world isn't warming after all, and hasn't been since 1995.
Climategate U-Turn
World May Not Be Warming, Says Scientists

Since hearing about those articles, something i have been wondering about lately is whether or not there's enough Carbon Dioxide in the atmosphere. Look what i found:
Earth in Carbon Dioxide Famine, Says Scientist

What prompted me enough to write this today? Silly videos like these:

What i don't understand is why they claim wind power is all that great, as it's very finicky, but also claim solar power is both good and bad. Does anyone take stuff like this seriously? i guess it was good for a laugh, if nothing else, but it didn't make any sense whatsoever. For one thing, i'm pretty sure nuclear power has nothing to do with fossil fuels. Who has climate change killed, anyway?

ETA: Since i haven't stated my position on environmentalism lately, maybe now is a good time. i do not believe that Global Warming is a man made phenomenon that we need to be worried about. There's more trees in the U.S. now than when the continent was beginning to be colonized. i also do not consider Carbon Dioxide to be a pollutant because it's a natural substance. Humans breathe it out, plants breathe it in.

i do, however, consider myself to be a conservationist. i believe in national parks. i believe in (controlled) hunting in order to prevent wildlife overpopulation. i believe in reducing and reusing, but that recycling sounds good but is often a waste as we ship our recycling to China and back. i plan to breastfeed and use cloth diapers if i ever get married and have kids, and maybe even compost and garden. In fact, i am very green for a Republican, maybe even too much so. Most of the things i do cost me more and probably aren't actually helping the environment at all.

meant to post this days ago...

2010-03-06T00:57:00.001-07:00

Read this while searching for triathlon gear. i don't totally agree with it, but it does have it's points: Those Fat People are Delusional. Or Not

In related news, i didn't blog about my workout on Thursday, but i did bike over one mile on campus and then about five miles later that afternoon, and i must admit that my calves are really complaining tonight, and my hamstring is tighter than it has been the past couple of days. You see, there was a headwind both ways on my ride: i kid you not, i was riding against the wind about 3/4 of the time, and the rest of the time it wasn't really blowing. This is why i'm still not sure that i like biking. That and the sore butt. And the loneliness (i don't mind swimming or running alone, but for some reason with biking i do). And the fact that it takes forever and i still go up hills too slowly.

i'm also extremely frustrated that i have yet to lose any weight. Am i always going to weigh more than 200 lbs.? i'm not asking for much, just to fit in size 14W or 16W and go below 200. Yeah, my original goal was lower than that, but i don't think it's possible. My body won't allow it. This is my punishment for not eating enough the summer i lifeguarded and lost enough weight to fit in a size 12. Yep, even when i was thin and fit... i was plus sized. So sue me, i have big bones.

TriNewb W2D3

2010-03-05T17:16:00.000-07:00

Was only meant to swim 200m today, but i felt up to more. Once again, my biggest problem is breathing. i have to force myself to blow out while my face is underwater and my heartrate is higher than i'd like. But even though i did chin ups and dips right before getting in the pool, i didn't get very worn out today as far as my arms. My legs were tired from yesterday's ride, however, and though i wanted to swim farther i felt that i shouldn't overdo it too much. Every time i ride to the gym it's over half a mile each way, so i'm getting a lot of exercise. i'm eager to do more but don't want another injury anytime soon.

TriNewb W2D1

2010-03-03T14:54:00.002-07:00

So far, i am very happy with how my triathlon training is going. i ran at the gym today, on the elliptical, and my leg hardly bothered me at all: it was just a little stiff but not painful. i ran five minutes longer than today's workout called for and swam. Last year, at this point in my training, i was not actually following the full workout, or if i was i felt i was doing very poorly (exhausted and slow). Right now my pace is better than i would have hoped, and the workouts are providing just a little bit of a challenge (granted, i haven't been doing the workouts every day, but then i have been in recovery and biking all over campus in addition). So assuming that my pace and strength continues to improve i think that i have the potential to do a lot better in my next triathlon.

Tomorrow i bike 6 miles and i fully anticipate that i will do much better than my last 5 mile ride simply because i have been riding around campus and am already feeling much more comfortable on my bike again. This week i started dismounting while coasting without even thinking about it, while last week i was more tentative, and would wait to come to a full stop (i was still in a bit of pain of course). Training also makes me feel more optimistic and less stress (haven't been knitting enough to help with that lately, i'm afraid). The only downside is that, once again, i am hungry all the time. i'm trying to cut back on fast food and get back into a healthy diet, which is hard because fast food is there and ready and healthy food takes preparation. i'm serious, i just ate about an hour ago, and i'm already starving. Time to pull out some more veggies... i'll probably finish them while watching Lost.

TriNewb W1D3

2010-03-01T17:00:00.006-07:00

i guess i never got around to writing about how i was injured on February 21: i was running at Trek, where we are preparing for the Trek Bible Quiz and Olympics. Earlier that night i hadn't had any issues really. Well...sprinting gave me a slight cramp in my right hamstring, but it wasn't too painful. i tried stretching a bit, massaging it, and it was still a bit tight, but didn't seem that bad. We set up for the race again, and right when i finished my first lap (of two), i felt a pop in my hamstring, and quite a bit of pain. i didn't collapse, but i knew that i couldn't finish the race, and hobbled about a bit, then sat down with my leg elevated. When i got home i iced it, but it really didn't seem as bad as what i was reading about online. A pop usually denotes a sprain, but i certainly wasn't collapsing and screaming. It certainly isn't debilitating, more annoying. i have been able to ride my bike without too much discomfort, but jumping and running are still too painful.

Despite this setback, i resumed training today in the form of swimming. It didn't occur to me until halfway through my warmup that it would be pretty bad if i got a cramp or intense pain while in the middle of a pool, but of course i'm a bit of a fish, and so buoyant right now that i probably couldn't drown if i tried. As it turned out, freestyle and breaststroke did not bother me at all, backstroke seemed to require too much kicking than is really advisable at the moment, and when i was doing the sidestroke with that leg on top, it was the most likely to get irritated.

i'm still not quite sure how to describe the injury. It was kind of like cramping with almost every step. Now it only bothers me when i try to stretch it or if i land with too much impact. Tomorrow i am going to tentatively try the elliptical trainer, but i don't think i'll be hitting the track for at least another week, and at this point in my recovery i definitely need to stretch it gradually, as my usual flexibility is lacking. After weighing in today, i tried to do the Sun Salute. Reaching up and back did not bother me at all, but when i went down to touch my toes, i couldn't reach as far as usual, and it didn't feel good. i'm thinking that i should stretch every day and maybe work on the Plank if that doesn't hurt too much. i doubt i could do Downward Facing Dog right now.

In more swimming news, i went to JCPenney and was slightly upset by the selection there. They aren't carrying the brand of swimsuit that i wanted to try on in Women's sizes here in town (i know that you can order them online), though at least they had some tankinis in that size, and i did in fact confirm that my top is size 22W. i imagine that even if i lose a lot of weight i will not go down below a 18W due to my bust size (if i even go below a 20W!). Their Misses do go up to size 16 (and appear to be the same as a 16W, astonishingly enough), but i wasn't going to try that on as i knew it wouldn't fit. Maybe next summer i can get some new bottoms there?

So i came home and ordered the top i wanted online. i didn't want to pay the shipping and handling, but oh well. Now the big question is whether my injury will keep me from being ready to be in a triathlon in mid-May. i definitely want to be in the Hustle again in mid-June, if nothing else.

In case you're curious:

It's on sale right now, big plus!

Swimsuit Stupidity

2010-02-27T14:23:00.002-07:00

So, now that my tax return should be going into my account soon, i'm actually starting to feel as if maybe i can continue my triathlon training. i'm not rich, by any stretch, but i am richer than i thought i would be. Which turned my mind to a new swimsuit.

Here's the long and the short of it: i've had my current top two seasons and my current bottoms i bought when starting to train because my guys swimtrunks were fine for leisure swimming but not training. i wear size 22W on top and size 18W on bottom (maybe 16W by the time i buy new bottoms). One piece suits never fit me. If they fit me on bottom, i can't get them over my breasts. If they fit on top, the bottom is baggy. And inevitably they are too short: i don't think i'm long waisted or torsoed or whatever you would call it, but they never fit. i can't wear underwire (they're never wide enough for my large frame) and hate bulky padded cup (the goal is speed here, not padding my DDDs!). And if it's a scoop back, the straps usually feel like they're going to fall forward off my shoulders. i haven't found a one piece that could fit since about the time my bust went up to 40D, and that was quite a while ago.

So i'm looking for a tankini. Apparently, this is too much to ask. Tyr and Speedo don't make them large enough for me, and pickings are slim as it is (i would really love a Tyr Tri Tank, as i loved my Tyr swimteam suit, but too expensive and not in my size does not a happy swimmer make). Most tankinis out there do not provide coverage for my chest. For some reason, manufacturers seem to think that even full figured women want their breasts hanging out all over the place.

So this begs the question... Why would i pay $15-95 on any suit that doesn't fit? How am i meant to get fit if i cannot clothe myself to exercise? After i have become fit, why on earth would i willingly pay for a suit from a brand that is too stupid to make me a suit in my present size? Why should i provide them with my valuable patronage? If they are actually capitalists and trying to make a profit, then why on earth do they refuse to make a product that the public can actually wear when they are healthy or endeavoring to live in a healthful manner (and no, underweight athletes and anorexic people do not count and never will, shame on them for endorsing such unhealthy lifestyles).

i don't know how to continue training for triathlons because i cannot find any gear to fit me even if i do pay $50-100, and i really don't want to pay that much. Zoot isn't even making 2X tri tops anymore!

Stupid stupid stupid. If everyone is overweight, as the media is telling us, then these people need to get with the program and actually offer us merchandise we can use. And i am so mad at Danskin right now because they keep letting me down: i do not want to wear pink, either. i'm not five and i don't have breast cancer. Please provide grown up colors, and black is too hot and not technically a color. Grr.

TriNewb W1D2

2010-02-17T13:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday time got away from me so i didn't get around to pumping up my tires or going on my ride. Today was relatively warm, i didn't even take a jacket, and wore my tri shorts under some capris. i was really glad for the shorts, and even so my lady bits fell asleep about halfway through the workout. i don't remember my seat bothering me very much in the past, but i guess i'm a little off my form, though my average speed was the same as it was at the height of my training last summer, and that was on Mom's bike.

With thoughts turning to the upcoming race season, i'm wondering how much i will be able to race this year. Right now i would like to take part in the Las Vegas Irongirl in May (or, barring that, the one in Boulder in August) because i believe it's the race that was recommended to me at the Highline Hustle. Unfortunately, i don't have $85 to spare right now really. Fortunately i don't think i will have any gym or equipment expenditures until the summer outside my diet, gels, and possibly some tubes. i doubt i'll get new rims and tires this summer, i'll just have to make do with my bike for now.

This also begs the question of whether i should join USAT this year: how many races would i have to compete in to make it worthwhile? One day race permits are $10 while an annual membership costs $39... so i guess i would need to do at least four races and ideally five. Can i commit to that?

finally resuming triathlon training

2010-02-15T13:27:00.001-07:00

Today i went to the new gym on campus for the first time and tried out the new equipment. It's all very nice and brand spanking new. i didn't run as fast as usual but i stayed in my zone without any difficulty. After that i lifted weights, and not just a few, i did everything: biceps, triceps, rows, lat pull, shoulder press, leg press, extension, curls, abduction, adduction, and chin up and dips to round it off. i think i forgot to do chest presses, but by the time i finished with my dips i was a little shaky and felt i had done enough for the day. i hope i don't get sore, i did a lot but with weights that were a little lower than i would probably normally do. i did not like the pec deck setup they have there, but i don't usually do those anymore anyway. Next time i will most likely do the chest press and omit the lat pull as i prefer chin ups.

So completes the first day of the TriNewb 11 week sprint training program. i'm going to try to complete every workout in order but i don't know if i'll be able to keep up with how many workouts there are per week. That is the goal, of course, but i have had a lot of homework to deal with this semester. My weight, i am sorry to say, had crept higher than i would like, which i was aware of because of how out of breath i have been climbing stairs and crossing campus, even though i hadn't verified my assumption with a scale until today. i'm kind of down about that, however i don't think i've lost much muscle tone, just gained back some fat. i would say that i'm still in better shape than last time i weighed this much.

Anyways, back on the bike tomorrow, i think i'll start riding it around campus again, too, which means using my new purse less and my backpack more. i'm more used to the cold than i used to be, but i'm definitely ready for it to start warming up a bit, too.

MLK Jr. was a Democratic Socialist?!?

2010-01-23T03:10:00.001-07:00

dem⋅o⋅crat⋅ic
–adjective
1. pertaining to or of the nature of democracy or a democracy

de⋅moc⋅ra⋅cy
–noun, plural -cies.
1. government by the people; a form of government in which the supreme power is vested in the people and exercised directly by them or by their elected agents under a free electoral system.
3. a state of society characterized by formal equality of rights and privileges.

so⋅cial⋅ist
–noun
1. an advocate or supporter of socialism.

so⋅cial⋅ism
–noun
1. a theory or system of social organization that advocates the vesting of the ownership and control of the means of production and distribution, of capital, land, etc., in the community as a whole.
~ all from Dictionary.com

So, how is that not an oxy moron? In the democracy, everyone has equal rights so an individual's ownership is held sacred, but in the socialist system, their ownership is vested (i.e. given/assigned) to the entire community. They are not the same thing in the slightest.

i've listened to more talk radio in the past week than in the past couple of months. Rush has been talking about the new Supreme Court ruling and explaining how corporations have free speech because they are composed of individuals. All the reporters that are anti-corporations... work for and are in a corporation called a news organization. They apparently work for the exact thing they profess to hate! But this goes on to other levels of society, too. Do you hate your neighbors? Well, if they have a job, you might as well, because they are part of a corporation. They may not be owners, or shareholders, but a corporation can not function without employees. So, when the U.S. government takes money away from corporations (i.e. taxes), where do you think it comes from? The more taxes that have to be paid, the lower everyone's wages must be and the less people can be hired. It isn't rocket science! These days, the government even treats small businesses harshly, so if you're thinking of working out of your home or if your neighbors are doing so, then you're one of the enemies according to them! Kind of puts thing into a new perspective, doesn't it?

socialism stinks (my 700th post)

2010-01-19T19:28:00.003-07:00

i tire of trying to come up with titles.

i used to write quite a bit about politics here, but haven't really had the heart for it lately. Following the news has been very discouraging, and since my cruise in November i have not paid much attention to it. Today was my first day back in classes, and i had the chance to hear some Beck and Limbaugh. It used to be that communism and socialism were strongly looked down upon in this country and in the UK. Grand Junction's own writer darling, Dalton Trumbo, was red listed and had his work banned at one time. Now, i am not at all for banning books, plays, etc., and i think that certain senators were just trying to burn witches to save face as it were, but at the same time it seems that conservatives have somehow become the witches. The truth about communism and socialism isn't taught in schools anymore, and if one believes in freedom they are treated as if they are spiteful and cruel.

Some of the United States' first colonies made a go of socialism, and it didn't work. Everyone would put the fruit of their labors into a community pot, and everyone would take out of said pot equally. The trouble was that many people weren't putting into the pot at all (they were simply lazing about or working on mining schemes), while the people who were actually working at something useful were getting the fruit of their labors redistributed. Colonies were failing because of this. So they finally got smart and nixed the entire socialism scheme: if people wanted to eat, have a roof over their head, etc., then they had to work for it. All of a sudden the colonies were prospering!

Now, i'm no expert on the history of the UK, i'm just an American girl with predominantly German roots (and i know even less about that country's history), but i also have Slavic blood in me. A couple of semesters i gave a report on Peter Sis' book The Wall: Growing Up Behind the Iron Curtain. He grew up in a time where Czechoslovakia was ruled by communists, and all he wanted was to listen to rock and roll and draw and paint the things that he felt like expressing, rather than following the party rules about what acceptable art was. Czechoslovakia's government eventually fell in one of the most successful peaceful protests in human history, the Velvet/Gentle Revolution in 1989! i was eight years old at the time.

What's been bothering me is that David Tennant seems to think that socialism is good ("Scots know to eat what's good for them"). Now, as a freedom loving yank, i am all for Scotland having its independence, but i absolutely abhor socialism; in fact, i think that it would be better for Scotland to remain part of the monarchy instead, if socialism is the other option. In terms of evils, Republic is better than Monarchy is better than Socialist regime. i support the Labour line that Scotland should devolve (as my geography professor would have put it) and have more of its own rule, but i don't believe that socialism will help any country. Sure, it sounds bad that 7% of Scotland's population holds 84% of the wealth, but that's no reason to steal money from the 7% so that the other 93% can play around with what they didn't earn. In such a situation, no one will prosper.

In Einstein and Eddington, Eddington's sister went to Germany to offer aid because food and medicine weren't being allowed into the Berlin. She was a Quaker and didn't steal money from the government to do that, so far as i know (after all, it was Britain's government that was stopping those things from being allowed into the city). Fast forward to today, and where does most aid come from now? The Red Cross and Southern Baptists, all of which is funded by donations from what i understand. Who do you think is in Haiti right now picking up the pieces? People are making all sorts of donations, a percentage of what you buy goes to it at some websites, etc. The operative term here is donations. Most of us normal people make donations each year, whether it be because of our faith or because we want a tax break. The rich donate the most of all, even if they donate the same percentage of their income as the rest of us. Obama, the great redistributer of wealth, has been reported to donate less than 10% of his income in a given year, which means he isn't even tithing. Meanwhile, Obama doesn't only want to use the rich people's money, he wants to use the poorer people's money, too, in order to fund things like his version of health care reform, just for starters. It's bad enough that about 40% of my income goes to taxes like social security, now you want to take more? No thank you, Mr. President. i am not as knowledgable or articulate as some, but i do realize that what you're trying to do is not the best idea, in fact it's making a slightly bad situation unbelievably bad.

What bothers me the most about Tennant saying that socialism is good, is that he claims to hold to the Protestant ideals of always being able to do better. This goes along with the Christian work ethic of giving and working wholeheartedly, as if you're giving directly to God (which you are, according to Christ). Is he saying that because he has been fortunate enough to work his entire adult life that his money should get taken away and given to people who refuse to work? Who squander their money? The harder he works, the more he earns, the closer he gets to becoming part of that 7%. If he suddenly lands a contract to make a movie, and gets paid millions of dollars for doing so, does he suddenly become his own enemy? Tennant is very vocal about giving to charity, but what happens when the government takes away so much of your money that you can't live anymore, let alone give to anyone else? Aren't the people who are in that 7% mostly just like in America, people who earned the money from their own hard work? From what i understand, it's much easier to fall back into the 93% and have your children living just as poorly as you were when you started, if not more.

i doubt that anything i say can convince anyone, in fact i'm sure that everything that i've written is flawed in some way or utterly offensive, but i still cling to the cry: "Give me liberty, or give me death!"

ETA: incidentally, i believe that there's a wee bit of Scottish blood in my veins as well. i really wish i knew more about my ancestry.

New Year's resolutions of a sort

2010-01-02T13:16:00.006-07:00

i do not normally make New Year's resolutions: i figure that there is no point in putting off until the New Year to start improving upon something that needs fixing today. i've been fighting to fix things in my life for over a decade now, so this post is more of a State of the Lunacy speech. It's been an arduous journey, stumbling around in the dark trying to figure out the answers to questions that seem to have no answers, trying to figure out God's will when He has been so very silent. i'm sorry to say that i don't pursue God as keenly as i once did: i realized a long time ago that the harder i sought Him the more i fell apart when i didn't find Him. i used to blame Him for that, for my inability to find Him, because i was always taught that He would come running when i called. When that proved to not necessarily be the case, my whole life fell apart. Some people would call my opinions towards how God works to be sacrilegious, but i think that very often we take God's Word out of context. We're all stumbling around in the dark whether we realize it or not, and there's no way that any one person has all the answers while they're here on earth, otherwise what would be the point in continuing to live? If you aren't striving and learning then you're wasting precious life.

There were many things that i had to come to terms with in order to reach this point. My quarter life crisis hit me hard, and in many ways is still hitting me. i have no career. i have no relationship prospects. i had to get over Brad and then come to terms with the fact that i was willing to give him so very much that compromised parts of myself that i never wanted to compromise. Because i have no experience in dating or love i didn't realize what i was doing, i was completely blind. It didn't help matters that the man that i fell in love with turned out to be nothing like i thought he was and that i had been ignoring the small warning signs. i'm glad that i didn't end up with Brad now, but it took me a long time to reach this point, i still cannot say that i am entirely over him. It would be very hard for me to articulate just how very much i long to be in a marriage relationship, to not be alone, and where i have slid to as a result without losing all integrity. Yes, i am still a virgin, but i still feel sullied because of how much i gave emotionally and how much lust that i'm trying to deal with right now. i have no idea how to come to grips with my sexuality when i am single and trying to live a pure life, the entire "just ignore it" thing that the church has going on isn't helping me. i've also come to realize that i have some rather unrealistic expectations when it comes to marriage, that i've bought into the chick flick mentality a bit too much.

So my first two resolutions for this year are to more actively seek God again and surrender my lustful urges to Him in an attempt to confine them to His will and guidelines.

One of the most obvious external indicators of the changes that have happened in my life over the past year and a half is my body. It has taken me a very, very long time to come to grips with my weight. The truth is that i thought i was fat since i was about eight or nine, largely because that's what my peers told me and it seemed as if my mother thought she was fat. When i was Katie's age and size i hid my body and lived in humiliation because i did not understand what i had done to become fat or why i couldn't lose the weight. What i did not understand at the time was that i wasn't fat, my body just looked different than the ones i saw around me because i was athletic and big boned and more padded than the stick straight anorexic look that most people seem to go for these days. i would love to have my body from high school back again, but the little known truth is that our body's shape and size is not what determines our happiness. Our weight only has as much power as we give it, we don't have to be obsessed with losing those 10-15 pounds that we don't need to lose no matter how much society is screaming at us to do so. Is it more important to look like a model or be healthy?

i feel vastly healthier than i did after Brad and i broke up, which was at a point in my life where i was depressed and didn't care about taking care of my body. The ironic thing is that, my first big jump in weight gain, i was depressed but trying very hard to take care of my body, i just wasn't going about it in the right way. i have fought very hard not to gain more weight than i have. The things that i blame the most on my weight gain are depression and insomnia, even more than eating junk food or anything else, because i have almost always been active. i used to think that there was something wrong with my body because i didn't lose weight when i dieted and worked out. More sacrilege? Still, it's the truth. i'm starting to wonder if it's all the unnecessary chemicals and growth hormones that are in all the food at the local grocery store that have caused my body to not maintain a healthy weight.

So my next two resolutions are to reapply myself to eating less high fructose corn syrup, unnecessary chemicals--and instead buy natural and organic foods as much as possible--and to reapply myself to my training. i think i've finally come to a place where i am truly happy with my body but know that i have to keep fighting to lose more weight. i will never be the same size as Megan, and i'll probably never be the same size as Katie again, but maybe i can get below 200 pounds and get back into size 14 or 16 and just be healthy and happy. To that end i believe that i'll start training for Olympic length triathlons but only compete in Sprint length ones until i can improve my performance... say at least come in the top 75%! lol

My last three resolutions are to expand my social circle, write more, and balance my selfless and self-protective natures.

i have always felt a bit socially awkward, and to be honest playing WoW has exacerbated that. Throwing myself into the game, i thought i had a lot of friends, when in reality they were just nicer to me than most people are. There was no real connection or hold between us. Everything there has fallen apart time and again, and there's always two or three jerks that have to bring out the worst in me. One of the reasons that i didn't make a very good actress is because i was afraid to look bad: Emma Thompson and David Tennant have proven to me that the ugly parts of a person can make them all the more beautiful. i need to stop caring so much about what people say about me because very often they do it just to get a rise out of me and it makes me uglier than if i would have let it slide off my back.

So i'm quitting WoW, probably for good, and that was part of the deal i made with God when i decided to apply for the job at WoW.com: i have been considering leaving the game for a long time, and i promised Him that if i didn't get the job that i would finally quit the game. i want to try to make more friends my own age, or maybe just within my own interests. Let's face it, i am and have been and will always be a geek. Gaming will just become a smaller part of my life, just as it always was before i took up WoW. Now i will seek relationships based on shared faith, or interest in reading/writing, or in knitting, or in triathlons. Of course i also have two more semesters of school to get through, and a lot of what i can accomplish will depend on what my school-load is like.

i have been so grateful with my friendship with Katie these past few months. i also hate being sick, and cannot wait for this stupid cold to go away and the semester to start so i can start training again. i have several knitting projects that i'm looking forward to working on soon. i'm trying to make healthy choices and continue to grow as we enter a new decade... even though that decade technically doesn't begin until a year from now. (;

Fall 09 grades

2009-12-21T18:08:00.001-07:00

i actually got better grades than i was expecting (i was anticipating a C in the Art History class and a B in Photojournalism). It's a relief that the semester is finally over! i'm still hoping to bring my gpa up more next semester, which will definitely be a challenge as all my classes are upperlevel.

History of Art, Prehistory to Renaissance B
Language Systems and Linguistic Diversity B
World Regional Geography B
Mountain Biking A
Hatha Yoga & Relaxation B
Fundamentals of Photojournalism A

the new center

2009-11-09T10:37:00.001-07:00

When i was a kid, i seem to remember the news being rather unbiased, leaning only slightly to the left. In high school and beyond, this changed however, as the mainstream media started leaning farther and farther left and became more and more vocal about it. Then came FoxNews, which i constantly here degraded as a so-called conservative source. On campus, it's a running joke. i don't have cable, but i listen to KNZZ almost every day, and they use FoxNews every hour, and from personal observation i have to strongly object. FoxNews on the radio is not conservative, it is the new mainstream media, the same as mainstream media was in my childhood: they are slightly biased and leaning left. They allow Obama statements and viewpoints to run that are clearly not factual and propagandist in nature. Sure, Glenn and Sean are covering things that no one else on TV will, but their standard news service is too left for me. Being an unbiased reporter is dead, that's a big part of why i decided not to continue with my Mass Communications major, because no matter how much they touted the fact that they were teaching us to be unbiased, their everyday conversations and lectures are very, very biased. I have to wonder what FoxNews will be like in ten, fifteen years. Will they be as openly liberal as the major networks are now?

What sparked off this little tirade? Well it's their coverage of Senator Lieberman, who fortunately is taking a stand against healthcare reform. At the top of the article in an unattractive photo of him, which is unprofessional of them and indicates bias against him (you don't think the mainstream media would run an image making Obama look bad, do you?). i remember a day when i said that i would have voted for Lieberman before voting for McCain, but barring moving to Conn. i doubt that i'll ever get that chance. i greatly regret voting for McCain: i was really voting for Palin and against Obama. i wanted to write in Paul, but now he has betrayed our cause by taking bail out funds. i refuse to buy a product funded by that money.

Anyways, kudos to you, Senator Lieberman, continue to stand up for what you believe in, you're in my prayers.

ETA: More kudos for Senator Lieberman

more on lupus and why Nikki's condition doesn't endorse reform

2009-11-09T10:21:00.000-07:00

Quality of life and life expectancy for lupus patients varies greatly, based on the severity of the illness and how long the disease is present before diagnosis and treatment begins. The extent to which the disease has progressed at the onset of treatment greatly impacts the life expectancy for lupus patients. When caught early, lupus can be treated and brought largely into remission before the occurrence of serious organ damage. However, left untreated over a period of time, lupus can lead to serious problems with vital internal organs, including the brain, heart, lungs, and kidneys. Such damage can severely compromise the life expectancy for lupus patients.
~ from Lupus4You.com

The Lupus4You webpage makes it sound as if Nikki was receiving the proper medical attention when she was diagnosed at the age of 21 then she should have never had to leave her job in the first place and never gotten sick. Lupus sounds like it's easy to live with, very manageable, like one of those "extinct" diseases. The drug that is commonly used to treat the disease, Prednisone, appears to be easy to obtain online for as little as $40 for 180 pills of a "standard dose" ($177 at the Canadian website i saw).

There must be a missing piece of the puzzle in this story. Was Nikki allergic to the drugs? Undiagnosed (if so, why would healthcare companies refuse to cover her)? In fact, why would they refuse to cover her at all when this preexisting condition seems to be very easy and cheap to treat??? It sounds like Nikki ignored a condition that she knew she had and killed herself. Of course that is sad, but it is not the government's job to protect us from ourselves, and the healthcare industry cannot force us to follow the best course of treatment, and the medical industry cannot guarantee that such a course of treatment is the best for every individual.

Sure, it's easy to just demonize healthcare industry, but blaming the party that didn't cause the problem and isn't the problem isn't a solution. The problem is the government. We do not need healthcare reform, we need the laws making it so easy to sue doctors for emotional trauma when they did everything they could but couldn't help to stop. Did Nikki's parents sue the doctors? i bet they did, when she waited so long to get help that there was nothing they could do for her, all the surgeries were to fix damage that her own body did to itself and that could have been prevented. That's not the doctor's fault. It's not the Healthcare industry's fault that she refused to seek care. It's painful, but then the truth often is. Let blame lie where it belongs, not on the big bad wolf.

sometimes nothing is better than anything

2009-11-09T01:15:00.003-07:00

Back in September, one of my friends on Facebook linked to an article in the New York Times on her wall. The title of the Op Ed is "The Body Count at Home" and talks about a young woman who died from lupus. When i read it, i of course felt it was sad, but was offended by the fact that the article claims that certain members of Congress want us to do "nothing" for people like her (quote: "About as many people who were killed on 9/11 die every two months because of our failure to provide universal insurance and yet many members of Congress want us to do nothing?"). i wanted to say something to this friend, to everyone, but was worried about offending people, despite the fact that i had been offended. Since reading the article and not responding i have had writers block. i think of that article often and wish that i would have written something in response, and then it felt like i had waited too long. Well, the healthcare debate reared it's nasty head in Congress again this weekend, and i'm tired of having writer's block, i think that it's finally time for me to get this off my chest. Please keep in mind that i'm not writing this trying to offend anyone, rather to set some inconsistencies straight and point out some facts. As Rush likes to point out, a lot of people feel better about themselves because they feel sorry when something bad happens to someone, but their solution often only makes things worse for everyone, let alone that one individual.

To start off, this claim that about 1366 people in the U.S. are dying without healthcare every other month seems a bit steep. Where did that number come from? Did Mr. Kristof discover a source for that bit of info or did someone ad it onto the headline to catch interest and inflame people's sensibilities?

To sum up about Nikki (the 21 year old that the piece is about), she's a college grad with lupus that worked in healthcare that gradually got too sick to work so she lost her own healthcare. Kristof then brings up the author of a book who took up Nikki's plight (of course he's not trying to advertise said book, is he?), who says that Nikki couldn't find any new coverage because of her pre-existing condition. "She spent months painfully writing letters to anyone she thought might be able to help. She fought tenaciously for her life."

This flowery language draws sympathy but is weak in the facts department. One would think that because Nikki worked in the industry she would know a few things about keeping her coverage: the article makes it sound like she had the money to pay for it, after all. My question is, why didn't she use Cobra? That's how i paid for my wisdom teeth surgery after i quit working at KJCT. I find it hard to believe that she couldn't find one company to insure her or anyone else to help. There are other sources to consider such as research funds for those with Lupus, free hospitals/clinics, paying for her care out of pocket, and if she was truly disabled then drawing on disability from the government. Of course the next logical place to look for help would be the community: she could have tried raising the funds, asking for donations, seeking help at church, etc. A woman that goes to my church helped a friend raise money when that friend's daughter had cancer, and i am talking about extreme amounts of money, they were able to raise all the money. And, if all else fails, there is the emergency room, which is used every day by people that don't have an emergency but cannot afford medical insurance, often with no cost to the patient, just to the taxpayers.

Unfortunately, it seems as if Nikki liked writing letters until she was in pain more than the idea of actually getting care, because it wasn't until she "collapsed at her home" that she was "rushed to a hospital emergency room, which was then required to treat her without payment until her condition stabilized". By that point, her condition was apparently so bad that surgery wasn't enough... and died at the age of 32. Did you catch that? She lived 11 years after losing her job in the health care industry. She apparently had her own home. The medical workers were wonderful, but she "fell through the cracks."

Please don't misunderstand me, it's sad that she died at the age of 32... but the language that Mr. Kristof uses makes it sound like all of this happened overnight. She had ten years of her own choices that influnced what happened to her life. Mr. Kristof advises that it would have been better of her to rob a bank so she could get free healthcare (because it's so horrible the way we make sure our criminals stay healthy in the U.S.), i'm rather surprised he doesn't just advise her to move to Canada or the UK where they have this perfect healthcare system, where care is free for everyone, etc. My sympathies go out to her parents, but really... could this article be more overdramatic?

The saddest thing about this article is that the parents and author and columnist expect the government to fix the healthcare system. I am fully aware that such is the opinion of what must be done on one side of the issue. On the other side of the issue, we are looking at what the government has done with Social Security, the Stimulus package, etc., and are loudly saying keep your hands off. On this side, we are looking at countries such as Canada, where it takes weeks just to get to see a doctor, and the UK, where women are going to the hospital to have their babies only to be turned away, and giving birth in stairwells and bathrooms instead, and wondering what's so great about that system. Canadians, and British, and people from around the world come to the U.S. to get better medical care, not the other way around. I wonder about why people like Michael J. Fox want the socialization of healthcare when it means that all the funding for research is going to get cut in order to cut down on costs.

Would socialized healthcare have saved Nikki? Possibly, though i have seen no proof that there was any medical care to help her. All of the surgeries she received were reportedly ineffectual. What i do know is that Nikki's surgeries got paid for by our tax dollars even without the reforms that my friend is supporting, and that if those reforms go through then all the coverage for my grandparents will immediately be cut and rationed. My grandparents have paid taxes their entire lives, who is my friend or the government to tell them that they are no longer worthy of full coverage just because they have grown old? Grandad doesn't deserve any healthcare because he's got dementia? If the government can take away coverage because of that, what is to stop them from taking coverage away from Nikki? For that matter, what is to stop them from forcing coverage on me when i do not want it and then jailing or fining me because i want to have my children at home, not circumcise them, not get them vaccinated, and not tie my tubes? What's to stop them from anything when they control our health, our very lives? What indeed.

state of training

2009-09-26T11:18:00.000-06:00

Over the past six weeks i have been doing yoga two times a week and mountain biking 2-3 times a week (usually just two, but sometimes with another day thrown in). i still haven't figured out how to record my workouts online, but i have been working my butt off. But of course the mod is quickly coming to an end (i think there are two weeks left in it) so my thoughts are turning to what i'm going to do afterwards. i do not want to lose my newly acquired mountain biking skills, and would like to continue to improve, so i think i'm going to aim for doing that at least once a week. But my main goals, i think, should return to running. i've only been doing a bit of jogging here and there, not even getting out of breath, just putting on bursts of speed while crossing the street or parking lot, etc. Truth be told, i cannot believe how light on my feet i feel when i do so, possibly because i am now used to (well, forcing myself to) pedal up steep inclines with a backpack on or walking around campus with a backpack on. i think that i will do the Couch to 5k program again, this time focusing on speed more than endurance, at least in the first 5-6 weeks or so. i am still worried about the possibility of me having E.I.A. but i don't know when or if i'll be able to see a doctor about it anytime soon. i could go to the Marrilac clinic possibly, but i'm not sure when i'll find the time... maybe after the mod ends. Anyways, after the cruise my thoughts will probably turn to training for my next triathlon, but in the meantime i will continue to build from where i am and challenge myself.

re: my recent weight gain

2009-09-24T16:30:00.001-06:00

i have gained 3 pounds. One might think that this has made me upset, but it hasn't. You see, those 3 pounds are pure muscle. i haven't lost any inches around my waist according to the tape measure, but i have gained muscle there (i can open and close my belly button with my muscles now, it's really weird). For the first time since i started losing weight (a little over a year ago), my clothing is truly starting to get loose and fall off me. i have bought several pairs of size 16 pants, and the size 18's i bought right before school started are already getting looser.

Since i started this semester, i have decided that i do not want to be thin. i would like to be thinner, of course, but i do not wish to be a stick or a twig. All the Venuses that i have seen so far in my current art history class are HUGE; they used to be the ideal. Things have changed so very much! So many celebrities and models are too thin and it disgusts me. i will never be curvy, but i am curvier, as strange as that may sound (less flab, more feminine shape). i hope to never stop being an athlete, and i hope to never be so thin that you can see my ribs or washboard abs. Women are meant to be round: i embrace this. At the moment, i think i might be revising my goal to just get under 200, and then see where i go from there. i'm not sure that 165 is as feasible for me as it once was.

exhausted

2009-09-24T16:16:00.000-06:00

i used a gel at the beginning of mountain biking class today, and probably should have used one part of the way through as well. i forgot my ponytail holder, and was soooo hot, but i made it through the class, doing the same thing as the rest of the group the entire way. We had to walk our bikes part of the way (and some of us pushed them farther than others) because today we took a more difficult trail. i am vastly improved compared to where i started, but i still lack confidence when going downhill sometimes. What i am doing is rather unbelievable to me, and i'm actually reaching a point where i can tell myself: "Yes, you're scared, but you know how to do this. Don't tense up, just go with it." i have the tendency to lock up on the brakes, hold onto the handlebars for dear life when my hands should be relaxed (fingers extended and resting on the brakes), and mess up in places where i feel like i should be able to go, but i am improving. i am even able to go uphill more easily now, though i still have to push my bike a lot (the climbs in this area are brutal), i'm getting the technique down (i've discovered that i need to move forward in the seat but stay seated). Mom would be freaked out if she saw where i rode today, and i was at first, too, until i told myself to just ignore the drop off because to focus on it would guarantee that i would fall off the side of the hill. Right now, even though i'm improving, i'm concerned that i may have EIA (Exercise Induced Asthma), because sometimes after workouts i'm wheezy for several hours and have a bit of a cough (the day of the Highline Hustle and this past Tuesday come to mind). Anyway, i need to do some homework now and study for my first Art test tomorrow, but i thought i would check in.

On another note... i've been really wanting to write more on healthcare (besides the snippets on Facebook that are totally being taken out of context), but haven't found the time. Now it's been so long that it's sort of starting to feel like "What's the point?" But the fight is far from over. i've been wanting to start a podcast ever since the Fourth of July, too. The 5th of November is on the brain lately, as well.

tickets...

2009-09-15T16:08:00.000-06:00

Today, we bought the (plane) tickets for our cruise of the Mediterranean (it's only two months away, now). i am so excited! i wanted to buy them Sunday night, but we actually saved money by buying them today, about $150 per ticket. i have a heinous headache, but the weather outside is cool and rainy, so i am ecstatic. i am so ready for fall.

Man, i really have a lot of schoolwork to get finished before the trip.

i almost forgot!

2009-09-08T21:47:00.003-06:00

Did i mention the girl in my class who i thought was going to be slower than me? She's not. Today, after she got her bike out of the back of the truck she carpools in, she rode up to me full tilt, skidded to a halt, and said loudly:

"I meant to tell you, I think you're a real inspiration!!!"

i was incredibly flattered and actually felt like i deserved the compliment, which is really unusual. It occurred to me today, when i was at the back of the pack again, my chain had slipped off, and i felt like i was about to hurl... i'm not used to riding with others, or running, or swimming. i have been training completely alone for almost a year now. i would like to be able to keep up with everyone, or even stay at the front of the pack. But my goal is always the same...

i'm not competing against anyone except my former self.

Maybe that will change in a year or two, but for now, it's working, so i'm sticking to it.

state of the education

2009-09-08T21:21:00.002-06:00

Today Kristi learned that asking questions is answering questions! At least when a teacher does it!!! This is the complete opposite of what the same teacher taught her in her glorified grammar class, but there you go!

Today Kristi enjoyed yoga, but still finds it jarring when the class is trying to reach a meditative state and the instructor emphasizes "IN HALE" quite like a drill instructor!

Today Kristi got an A on her Photojournalism assignment!

Today Kristi didn't get injured in Mountain Biking! She was told to not take the extended loop with Throw-Up-Boy and Lose-Chain-Boy, and felt as if she could have ridden farther!

Today Kristi took her first test in World Geography and had a fascinating lecture on why communist countries have horrible pollution! She couldn't believe that the teacher sounded so conservative!

wow, i'm speechless

2009-09-06T00:16:00.001-06:00

i just heard about this video this week, but apparently it came out inauguration week. The video is, quite frankly, awe inspiringly scary. i do not quite know how to respond. Yes, i have a pledge, but it is quite, quite different from theirs.

i have been incredibly busy with school, barely getting assignments done, working more than i should, spending more than i should, and wondering what in the world i have gotten myself into. This was supposed to be the easy semester, i have largely been trying to ignore politics because i just do not have the time to properly inform myself and mount a defense, but... wow. How am i supposed to remain silent to what is happening? i am quite literally terrified for my family, friends, and self... no, for everyone. i wonder if these people still believe that Obama is as saint-like as they make him out to be in this video. i wonder if it is too late to stop what is happening, to get the truth out.

How is a young woman supposed to fight the darkness, support herself, finish college, and take a cruise? i've been doing a lot of inner inspection on these issues. Who am i, how can i change things? On the other hand, how can i remain silent, how could i not be going to these townhall meetings and taking a stand? i am, quite honestly, utterly clueless about what i should do. Right now i'm trying to wade through 1984, i hardly have the time. How am i supposed to take on more?

black and blue

2009-09-01T21:36:00.002-06:00

Mountain bike class is proving to be frustrating. i am the slowest person in class. i was doing pretty good at the beginning (despite getting stuck in a rut and skinning my left knee at the beginning of the ride), but everyone but one guy took off. i held back so he wouldn't be alone... and then he just pushed past and left me in the dust! Later on when i finally caught up he said he felt sick, and i couldn't help but feel the slightest bit smug. It was hot (though cooler than last time), and about 2/3 of the way through i lost steam, was so hot, and then my body started freaking out and getting cold. i wasn't sure that i was going to make it, and once again it was just me and the teacher to the finish (well, he rode ahead and paused periodically, which is rude and not safe, but there you go). Then i accidentally locked my back break on the last big hill and my back tire skidded out, so i fell and scraped my right outer calf pretty bad. i was so frustrated, both by being left behind and not being able to keep up as well as the fact that everyone was too big of a jerk to wait for me. And of course at the end of the ride the teacher told me that i need to be riding more on the days that there is no class, but where am i supposed to find the time and how am i supposed to do that when i have NO ONE to go with me and you're always supposed to ride in a group of three.

So this afternoon was very frustrating, but i have already improved so much, my form is there i just need more endurance and practice. i'm sticking with the yoga class motto, though, which is something like: "I am not competing against anyone except my former self." In a way i am very proud of myself because a year ago i weighed 265 and there is no way that i would have been able to take this class. Now, i may be the heaviest person in the class, and i may be a bit slow, but i am totally kicking that girl's butt.

undecided

2009-08-25T13:05:00.000-06:00

i had a sleepy start today, mostly because i joined a group last night (while playing WoW) around 9:30 and before i knew it, it was already 2am! We got 2-3 achievements in H Nexus and i finally cleared H Occulus (another 2 achievements)! Now i only need to down Malygos to become a Champion of the Frozen Wastes. So i woke up after it was too late to leave for yoga (idk how i slept through 3 alarms, but i did), felt horrible, decided to sleep an extra hour, and got to Photojournalism a little tardy. The professor can be frustratingly confusing, but i am learning a lot in that class. i keep meaning to get Grandpa Jocko's camera out of the attic and figure out which shots it will be better for, but i'm still trying to figure out my digital camera! Today we went over f-stops again and progressed to shutter speeds. A lot of the information seems backwards to me, i hope it makes more sense once i get out there and start taking photos. i did figure out how to adjust some stuff on my camera though.

i'm undecided about trying to get workstudy. i keep going back and forth. ): Last night took forever, i hate working nights and having to clean up after the slobs i work with, but i can work there during Christmas break and Summer vacation, so idk. i wish i could get a raise, we're coming up on a year now.

brag post

2009-08-18T13:03:00.001-06:00

You all already know about my bike (at least if you were paying attention, if not, scroll down), i paid off the last of it on Friday. That wasn't all that i got, though. i also bought a new step-down-from-"gaming" pc and digital slr camera. Not only that but i have my old room back, a couple of new bras and pairs of blue jeans and tank tops, and the money set aside for my plain ticket to Barcelona. i feel like all i have done all weekend is spend money, but it sure makes me feel good to spend it. Now to buckle down again and save for shore excursions on the cruise.

back in class

2009-08-18T12:57:00.000-06:00

As you have probably noticed, i've been pretty silent over the summer, mostly because i have been working and/or trying to figure out how to get the malware off my old laptop as opposed to listening to the radio as i go to class each day, training really hard for a triathlon, etc. i'm kind of out of the loop as far as politics right now, and most of my internet time has been devoted to playing WoW. But now school is back in session and things will probably be changing... including the leaves! It's hard to believe that the year 2009 is already over halfway over and it's almost FALL.

This semester i am going to try to have fun. As it turns out, i am retaking World Geography (i don't know that i'll ever retake Sociology, it was way too socialist for my taste), focusing on Photojournalism, and branching out with Yoga and Mountain Biking. i'm taking Art History (caveman days to Renaissance) for the minor i'll never finish and my sole English class is Language Systems and Linguistic Diversity. It's upper level and will be a nice elective to help out my upper level courses' gpa.

Thinking about a new blog name again... idk why i always feel the need to change it.

Oh, also, i have been biking all over campus, to Subway, and to the public library. It was nice and cool this morning but now i'm all tuckered out. The library is not cold today (like it was last spring! brrr), but it is quiet and cool.

kaching

2009-06-25T17:23:00.003-06:00

Well today was the fourth day of VBS and especially stressful: i'm starting to just disconnect from it all, there's so much overload that i am opting to not go to parent's night tonight (this is also partially because i promised to be at a raid tonight in my new guild before i realized how late the program is starting). After VBS i felt a little shopping therapy was in order. First i went to Tangle and bought the size 4 dpns that i've been putting off for two months. Then i went and browsed at Brown Cycles (they have two locations now, with new bikes at the original store and used bicycles sold on consignment at Dirty Brown Cycles around the corner), but i didn't really like what i saw (the bikes were super expensive and i didn't like the feel of the store to be perfectly honest).

Next i went to the downtown post office and filled out the paperwork for my passport. i had my picture taken and then wrote a check, which they stapled to my application and birth certificate. That is supposed to take a month to arrive. The whole thing was rather anti-climactic.

i went to REI next because i had seen a lot of neat bags that customers have carried from there. i found several that i liked, but i didn't care for their pricetag; i just do not have the budget for a $40-60 purse. The passport carriers (both waist and around the neck varieties that are meant to be worn under clothing) were both overpriced and bleh. They came in tan and black and ranged from $15-35, but all looked like they had shoddy construction (many of the belts were merely cheap elastic). i feel that i could sew something myself for much cheaper that would be prettier and more comfortable. i did kind of like the oversized hiking fanny packs, but they were overpriced as well, some were uncomfortable, and the small cheap ones were UGLY. So i ended up buying nothing whatsoever. i'm wondering if i cannot use a purse, if i must have a fanny pack or cash hidden under my clothing, as it seems a little extreme to be tying a cord around my neck that i can be choked with for my cash and will, in fact, be visible even if it is tucked under my clothing.

Lastly i went to the Bike Shop and spoke with yet another sales person. i think the girl that i spoke to originally no longer works there. After test riding the same bike as last time, one a size smaller, and two other brands' hardtails, i finally decided to put a bike on layaway. The small Diamondback Response Comp '08 is apparently a better quality bike for less than a Cannondale would be, though it is also a bit heavier. The size was perfect and i loved riding it around campus, though of course i did not get to test it on any hills, there was plenty of rough terrain in the temporary parking lots. It doesn't have the trigger shifter that i really liked, but one where you shift only with your thumbs, but of course that means that i never need to take my fingers off the brakes. i feel kind of reckless buying it so suddenly, but it's the only model they have, it fits me perfectly, it's a nicer model for cheaper than the comparable Cannondale, and it's an '08 (so once it's gone, it's gone). The bike even looks good dusty. i didn't expect to purchase a red bike, but it's kind of a rusty color that is okay.

In other news i'm starting to wonder if i should start biking to work and school, if it's even possible without me getting up at 5 a.m. Meh, moving forward, right? i'm not sure if i'll be in a race in July, but i'm planning to be in at least one more race this season and continue training this fall and winter.

Recovery

2009-06-16T12:20:00.001-06:00

All told, my recovery hasn't been bad. i'm curious about what my weight was before and directly after the race, but i have no way of knowing. On Sunday evening my knees were extremely tired. i went to City Market and got some hot chicken wings for a reward (and protein!). Then i went to a movie, had a medium popcorn (Carkmike popcorn is nasty stuff, as it turns out) to carbo reload, and fell asleep at 9 p.m. That is really unusual for me. Other than the knees my only real complaint was a slight cough and runny nose, probably from the swim in the lake (i almost swallowed a mouthful of water while trying to take a breath, remember?).

On Sunday there wasn't a trace of pain in my knees, which surprised me but enabled me to be up and down with the rest of the congregation, my only real pain was soreness in my right wrist. i'm guessing this is fatigue from the bike ride, but i've been knitting with the wrist, so it's kind of holding on. i kind of wish i knew where my needlework wrist brace is, but i think it's at Megan's, and it's really not that bad, just annoying. Breakfast was light fare for me, a big chunk of cheese and some bread that i gave half of away since the kids apparently hadn't had any breakfast. During church i finished the first sleeve of my Fair Ginny sweater; after church was a VBS meeting and then Mom and i had to wait for Dad to come pick us up to go to 4-H, where there was going to be a potluck. i was extremely hungry and starting to feel weak, and wasn't at all happy about not having anything to drink, at the least. i ate a lot of lunch, which was watermelon, pasta salad, fruit salad, bread, lemon cake, lemon meringue pie, coconut cream pie, and minute quantities of chocolate (goat) milk and ginger tea (which i had thought was lemonade and am not a fan of).

Sunday night i wasn't able to fall asleep until at least 2 a.m. Monday morning (and again last night/this morning... i'm not sure why i'm getting insomnia again), which isn't very good because i had to be at work at 10 a.m. Monday was my sorest day, kind of a general overall soreness that seemed to be exacerbated by standing all day and lots of squatting to retrieve paper (to wrap with), paper bags, and things like scissors and post its and exchange cards. One man got really mad at me, ranted and raved, and made me feel weird in the chest. He accused me of "just ignoring" his complaints, but would not even let me get a word in edgewise to respond. i hate it when customers are unreasonable. It's not my fault that Day'lah refuses to price products in the jewelry department and that the Lori from crafts was forced to do a pricecheck for me while running another register (the issue was that she said, "That costs $3.99... i think," which did turn out to be the correct price, but he was irate about being an uncertain).

i have the next two days off and would like to take a short bike ride perhaps, but i'm not sure my body is really ready for it. i'm petsitting for the next two days, which means internet and cable access, and i'm wary about returning to my training too soon and getting injured. My real consideration at the moment is, what do i train for next? i'd like to resume my training next week, which may be impossible with both work and VBS. There's an Olympic length triathlon at Highline Lake in 13 weeks, which would allow for 12 weeks of training, can i accomplish that? i went from 0-600m swims and 0-20 mi. rides in 10 weeks, can i go from 600-1500m swims, 20-30 mile rides, and 3-7 mile runs in 12 weeks? After reading Weakness Not Strengths i think i need to focus on biking the most, then running, then swimming, but i'm not sure how increasing my running will go, so i might have to focus on it more than i think. i'm also not sure if i really need to focus on biking a lot or just really need a new bike, it's hard to say how i would have done on a new one. My cadence seems to be strong, if i could keep it consistent and bring it up 5-10 rpms i would theoretically tear through the competition (but i'm not holding my breath on that, i cannot imagine being competitive on the bike, i simply have never done it competitively).

On Sunday the Sunday school class has been very supportive, and the teacher said maybe they could sponsor my race entries. i need to get a new bike, but first i need to get a passport for the cruise this fall. The hardest thing about doing triathlons is going to be paying for pool access/gym membership, entry fees, and hotel rooms for out of town races. i really don't think i want to compete in the Denver area right now, but i am considering races in Leadville July 19, Durango August 1, Glenwood Springs September 13, and of course the Western Colorado Triathlon September 19 (i obviously wouldn't be competing in both Glenwood Springs and at Highline again). These are all cheap races that sound small and are relatively nearby. Anyway, am going to ask for advice at the BeginnerTriathlete forums, but i'm not holding my breath on a reply, i don't seem to get good results there.

Tri Training Rundown (the final report)

2009-06-13T14:51:00.000-06:00

Farthest Distance in a Single Workout

Cumulative Distance
formula ~ April + May + June = total mileage
Swimming ~ 1.23 mi. + 1.99 mi. + 0.74 mi. = 3.96 miles
Biking ~ 49.32 mi. + 88.65 mi. + 37.9 mi. = 175.87 miles
Running/Walking ~ 21.72 mi. + 21.81 mi. + 2 mi. = 45.53 miles
Total Distance ~ 72.27 mi. + 112.45 mi. + 40.64 mi. = 225.36 miles

Race Results!

2009-06-13T14:02:00.002-06:00

Kristine Senko 200/203
Female 94/96
25-29 17/17
Swim 17:17 T1 1:54 Bike 1:23:39 T2 1:12 Run 47:54
Overall 2:31:55
Pace 15:27

This morning i woke up at the ungodly hour of 5 a.m. (; i left the house at 5:35 and reached Highline Lake at 6:28. i was in heat two (out of two), so we started swimming at 7:35. i didn't get nervous until about 7:31 (wading in after the first heat took off), at which point i breathed through it and said a little prayer. By the time i remembered my first gel (energy shot) i was already at the start and had no water with me, so i decided to have it after getting on my bike. The swim was utter chaos, i kept getting stuck behind people and not being able to go around them. As a result i did the breast stroke more than i intended to, but i got to draft off them. There was one mouthful of water that i spat out after a particularly large splash, and i didn't even freak about it, i just kept going. The distance from the water to transition was actually pretty far, i probably swam with an actual time of closer to sixteen minutes. i feel really good about how the swam went, i didn't panic, i kept my face in the water a lot (using a 2 stroke breathing technique), i felt strong. On the swim i was 153/203 (11/17), with a pace of 55:34, so i was passed by almost 50 people during the bike ride (i passed one guy on the bike, but then he passed me in the final stretch. i was quicker in T2, but he passed me again running).

Transition 1 was slower than i would have liked, and i'm not sure why other than the fact that i didn't run the entire way through the zone and the fact that the zone was so large. Actually, the bike computer fell out of one of my gloves as i was putting it on, i had forgotten to put it on the bike ahead of time, so that kind of slowed me down. However, taking only my transition time into account i was 58/203, so i feel pretty good about that! Even though the water was a warm 69 (it had to have been way colder than that last Sunday) i was one of the only people not wearing a wetsuit: i think a wetsuit would not have helped my swim enough to make it worth the extra time in transition, i would have been too hot and it would have taken me too long to take it off.

Let me just reiterate that i hate this bike route. There were three big hills, and i did alright on them, not great, but i got passed so much, but really do not think i could have pedaled faster. i kept telling myself that i wasn't racing against all of the thin people, i was racing against myself. About 2/3 through i started seeing spots and took my second gel about fifteen minutes early; that helped, but i still felt like i needed more energy for the run, and my left knee and hip were experiencing pain. i hopped off my bike jogging, ending dead last, with a pace of 05:13.

Transition 2 took me longer than it should have because i took the time to talk to my family while grabbing my stuff. They hadn't gotten to the park in time to see me get into or out of the water. As a matter of fact i passed Dad and Sammy on the road, and Mom, Aunt Polly, and Katie (i think... it's sort of a blur) were standing by the fence taking photos. i didn't remember to tell them that there weren't supposed to be any photos taken of people in transition until i was jogging off. My transition zone was 84/203 (12/17), i could have done better.

When i got to the sidewalk i started to walk. As i said, my knee was bothering me, and i needed to bring my heartrate down. When i got to dirt, i jogged, starting my interval timer, but walked across the asphalt. i did not get through my entire first 10 minute running. During my first one minute walk interval i had another gel and drank some water. i started running again after a minute but discovered that the rest wasn't quite long enough, so walked for about a minute and a half. so i ran about eight and a half minutes, walked through my second interval (plus 1 1/2 minutes), and ran for about six-seven minutes before reaching asphalt. i think this is right, i feel a little fuzzy on the details. Basically, i did poorly in mile one, better in mile two (which seemed to take forever), and was strong in mile three. There was a really big hill right after mile three (to get on top of the dam) that i walked up, then for about 20 more seconds, before running to the finish line, ignoring my last 1 minute walk. Abby, Polly, and Daniel ran with me part of the last .1 miles, and we passed Dad, then a cheering group of Mom, Aunt Polly, Katie, and Sammy, and i actually kind of sprinted up the final grassy hill through the chute. i was really out of breath when they took off my anklet, i kind of scared one woman by taking a couple of steps backwards, i think she thought i was going to pass out. i wasn't lightheaded, but i couldn't talk very well. My running pace was 15:26. As i noted earlier, i finished 200/203 and 17/17, which i'm not too happy about, but i am glad that i didn't finish last. i feel badly, however, because there was a woman that finished behind me because she had forgotten her inhaler and had to walk the entire run. She was behind me in line for the food and said that she felt like she had the energy, but she couldn't breathe.

i walked back into the transition zone, had my last gel, and some water, talked to my family, and we carried all my gear back to the car. The lunch was subpar in my opinion, an extremely bland sandwich, chips, cup of pasta salad, and a pickle. They didn't even provide water to drink! i had chicken salad, people were upset that there was no vegetarian option, and could have chosen a cup of fruit but i probably wouldn't have liked that better than the pasta. i left the park shortly after 11:30. i've peed a ton, taken some advil for the joint pain, have a slight headache, and think that i will go see Wolverine after a shower and changing. i must stink, but i can't smell it, just the bug repellent i put on after putting my bike in the car (i got bit by a mosquito setting up my transition, right on the buttock, but never had time to scratch).

So, overall... yeah it's disappointing that i didn't do better, but at least i wasn't 603/606 (last year there was over 600). i was faster than one of the teams! Dad said my tires were low, i had aired them up beforehand but they seem to have a leak, so that didn't help. i think getting a new bike, one that's lighter and that i have smooth tires for, would help a lot. Mom's chain is kind of rusty and her gears aren't the best (though i like her bike a lot better than Dad's). The swim and run i feel good about, i think i will improve upon losing more weight and having more training. It's hard to believe that i did this after training for only 10 weeks. My run was probably stronger today than the fresh run at Girls on the Run was! i totally could not have finished this without the Clif Energy Shots, and maybe i would have done better if i had been fully rested (instead of standing on my feet for seven hours yesterday and getting less than five hours sleep), but i am so glad that i finished today, no matter what my place. i did better than J.D. on Scrubs, i finished on my own two legs! Yeah, i'm pretty happy about how i did, i'm sure that i can do better next year, right now i'm just wondering what race to do next, because i doubt that i can do an Olympic event in three months, but i would like to do another Sprint or two this year.

race packet today!

2009-06-11T19:45:00.001-06:00

So i went to Grand Junction Parks & Rec during lunch and picked up my race packet. i'm number 151 and am in heat 2, which pretty much guarantees that people will be passing me all day long. Inside my packet there was my t-shirt, swim cap, racing bib, a coupon for the Bike Shop and a Road ID, and an ad for an Olympic-length triathlon at Highline Lake in September. It is a .9 miles swim, 25 mile ride, and 6.2 mile run. Depending on how much it costs i may be interested in closing out my season with said race; my biggest challenge would most likely be the run.

After work i went to Adventure Sports and tried on a couple of wetsuits. i got one all the way on, but it was a men's suit and fit badly. i bought neoprene socks and gloves instead, since that's where i get coldest. If i race in September i will probably rent a suit, but hopefully by then i will have lost more weight. They did not have a shorty suit in my size (which is what i wanted), though that was one of the suits i tried on, i could not get it to zip up in back. i must say that wetsuits are really hard to get on, really hot, but are easy to take off. If i ever buy a suit i want it to be triathlon specific.

Next i went to the grocery store and bought Gatorade (it was on sale, so cheaper than Powerade) and water. i also bought some bread, lunch meat (Hormel's Deli Smoked Turkey with no preservatives), organic yogurt for Saturday breakfast (key lime with a kangaroo on front), Oroweat potato bread, Mission chips, Salsa Casera (Medium), natural sour cream, and two avocados. i want to eat healthy and fuel up for the race. i'm going to watch the video at BeginnerTriathletes.com about fueling for a race after starting a load of laundry.

As it turns out, the campground at Highline Lake is full. i'm not really surprised, but it is disappointing, because it means that i will have to get up at 5 a.m. to get there by the time / shortly after check in starts. i'm not really sure what to do to prepare for race day now except rest, eat a lot, and make sure i have everything packed and ready to go. Other purchases today were a small bag to put my gel shots in (i can velcro it to the handlebars), a white visor that i dyed turquoise with some fabric tie dye spray paint, and a silver paint marker to write my name on all of my gear.

i feel ready but wish i would have gotten more workouts in this week: of course, i'm working really long hours (an extra day this week, and two of my shifts were eight hours rather than 6-7). i'm really excited, but the nerves haven't hit yet. That was the worst thing about competing in swim team, i would basically stop breathing right before a race and have to force myself to breathe. i want to make sure i get to the lake early so i can set up my transitions and go to the bathroom and warm up and feel prepared. i sure hope this goes better than the Girls on the Run 5k did.

Race Week

2009-06-10T21:27:00.001-06:00

My knees have been kind of sore after Sunday's extreme workout and the past two days' headaches haven't helped my training schedule. Today i went to the Bike Shop for my energy shots (Espresso, Mocha, and Strawberry, the extra umph of caffeine helps), then walked all over Wal-Mart and the mall looking for a visor that i liked (the only one i could find that i liked was Under Armor and cost $22.99, so it was a wee bit outside my budget)... but not after test riding a couple of bikes! That's right, it's so weird for me, but i asked about which bike would be best for my purposes and discovered that i can buy a really good Cannondale mountain bike for about $450 (it's not great, or top of the line, but it's good enough). This bike is lighter than Mom's, has a cool shifting setup, and felt great to ride (at least around the parking lot). i assumed that i would have to buy someone's used bike to avoid paying around $2000 at the Bike Shop, but it turns out that such is not the case. So i should be able to easily save that much money by the beginning of the fall semester.

So, when i got home, i wasn't feeling at peak condition, but i really wanted to take a bike ride because the weather is so nice. i decided to test Mom and Dad's bikes against each other. i didn't use the computer, but the results are as follows:

Race Week - Dad's Bike
Start: 20:17:00
End: 20:35:00
Time Taken: 00:18:00
Total Distance: 3.20 mi.
Pace: 05:37 (avg)
Speed: 10.68 (mi/hr) (avg)

Mom's Bike
Start: 20:40:00
End: 20:57:00
Time Taken: 00:17:00
Total Distance: 3.20 mi.
Pace: 05:17 (avg)
Speed: 11.31 (mi/hr) (avg)

i would just like to add that the wind was blowing a bit harder on the second leg than the first, and that i'm definitely more comfortable on Mom's bike than Dad's. Of course, as the former Marshmallow would say, "It's not the bike, it's the engine."

what a weird day

2009-06-10T00:03:00.001-06:00

i didn't work out today. i wanted to, but i felt really horrible due to a horrific sinus headache that left me feeling nauseous and light / sound sensitive for most of the day. i went shopping with Mom instead for VBS decorations (the theme is Australia... got to say that like they do in the Outback commercials! Awww Strail Ee Uhh).

i finally broke down and started making a list of things i need to have ready on race day turning check in:

to wear
bra
top
shorts
sunscreen
watch set with 10/1 intervals (for the run leg)
goggles
swim cap (will be provided)
race chip (apparently an ankle strap?)

first transition
water to rinse feet / towel to stand on
socks
shoes
shades
helmet and gloves
energy shots
full camelbak
bike (duh)

second transition
race belt w/ number
water and powerade for run
hat or visor

i'm completely torn about whether i should try to rent a wetsuit. i really don't see when i would go shopping for one as i'm working a lot over the next couple of days: Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. In fact, i should be going to bed right now, but i think i'm going to take a shower first.

race day weather forecast

2009-06-09T23:47:00.002-06:00

Details for Loma, CO (from Weather.com)

Saturday, June 13
Partly Cloudy
High 83°F
Precip: 10%
Wind: S 13 mph
Max. Humidity: 25%
UV Index: 9 Very High
Sunrise: 5:49 AM MT
Avg. High: 87°F
Record High: 98°F (1956)

The best news, quite honestly, is that 13 mph wind. i don't think i could survive another headwind like on Sunday.

TriNewb W10D3... 500m swim!

2009-06-06T00:27:00.003-06:00

i swam 500m straight today! i forewent the bobs and dove right in (pun intended, i didn't literally dive in, though i could have, i would have gotten in trouble with the lifeguard because the water is "too shallow", even though i've dove into water that was shallower), with a 50m warmup (breast, of course), 500m workout (mostly freestyle, some breaststroke and 2 stroke breathing thrown in... i usually breathe every third stroke), and a 50m cd. i finished the 500m in 15 minutes and 4 seconds with a pace of 48:14. i didn't have any problems at all until i was pushing off the wall for the last time, halfway through my cooldown, when my back spasmed. i got out and plopped down in a chair for a minute... i was pretty well spent and needed to recover for a minute! So this proves that i can swim 500m in fifteen minutes: we'll have to see how i do on race day with no wall and a gel shot fueling the engines.

Lap times were as follows:
Lap 1: 1:19 = 1 min. 20s
Lap 2: 2:44 = 1 min. 25s
Lap 3: 4:18 = 1 min. 34s
Lap 4: 5:48 = 1 min. 30s
Lap 5: 7:24 = 1 min. 36s
Lap 6: 8:54 = 1 min. 29s
Lap 7: 10:31 = 1 min. 37s
Lap 8: 12:08 = 1 min. 37s
Lap 9: 13:36 = 1 min. 28s
Lap 10: 15:02 = 1 min. 26s

rearranging my schedule

2009-06-05T15:52:00.000-06:00

When i registered for the fall at the end of March, i was pushing forward, trying to graduate as soon as possible, and worried about how i'm ever going to be able to bring my gpa back up. i basically wasted an entire year, first when i was working at KJCT overtime and flunked out of all my classes (three of which i have retaken and passed), the second semester where everything was over the internet and i dropped the ball during my then-boyfriend's visit (i passed one class with a C, one with a D and flunked the rest, one because the teacher would not work with me and did not accept some of the work i turned in, the other because i gave up). Basically, it turns out that in order to graduate i will need to retake one of those internet courses (but it will not be offered again until next Spring), and i could retake some of the others to bring my gpa back up significantly (i have already brought it up some through a year of good grades). So my schedule was purely graduation driven for the most part, and i was scheduled to take:

ENGL 421 History of Literary Criticism
ENGL 492 Senior Seminar in Writing
ENGL 381 Creative Writing:Fiction
ENGL 296 Topics: Sci-Fi Fantasy
KINA 168 Hatha Yoga & Relaxation

The Sci Fi / Fantasy class i would really love to take but don't need, it's just another elective (and would be more helpful to me as a 300 course). The Yoga is for my back. The first three classes i will have to take sooner or later, they are all required for my major. i felt like i was in a nearly perfect position for graduating next spring.

And then... i discovered that my grandma, Frankie, is taking Katie and Sammy on a cruise, and i really yearned to go. So after much deliberation i have totally juggled my fall schedule to be far less intense (which, to be honest, the break will be very welcome, as last semester's pressure was very stressful) and be able to go on said cruise without totally wrecking my college career. Even if i had pressed ahead, i do not think that i could have graduated next spring because my upper level English courses have a gpa that is too low. i will have to retake the English class that i blew off for Brad in order to graduate, even though it makes no sense from a career point of view (it's not a fiction course, i never should have taken it in the first place), but that will be next spring. So it appears that i will most likely (hopefully) be graduating in Fall 2010. My Fall 2009 course load is now as follows:

On Campus
KINA 168 Hatha Yoga & Relaxation I (for my back)
KINA 141 Mountain Biking (for fun, and in hopes of increasing my cycling skill and opening up new racing opportunities)
MUSP 258 Women's Chorus (i've been missing Mrs. Niles)

Online
SOCO 144 Marriage and Families (retaking this Sociology course with the same professor, i hope i don't regret it)
ARTE 118 History of Art, Prehistory to Renaissance (required for the Art Minor i don't know that i'll ever finish)

Waitlisted
Online - ENGL 343 Language Systems and Linguistic Diversity (another attempt to pick up an upper level elective and bring up my gpa; it should look good on my transcript)
On Campus - MASS 320 Fundamentals of Photojournalism (a very popular course, i don't know if i'll be able to get in: i would not be able to miss any classes before the cruise)

So it looks and feels like i'm slacking in a way, but i think it will round out my transcript and education nicely. It really hinges on me getting into my waitlisted classes in a way, i need one more class (i haven't dropped the Creative Writing: Fiction class yet as a result). i thought about taking World Geography again (failed while working at KJCT), but it would be in Montrose, and i'm not sure they would like me missing 2-3 classes, and i wouldn't be able to take Chorus again. i might switch it back, but i really don't want to commute that again (i did so for my second semester of Spanish). i don't know which of the two waitlisted classes i would rather take (both have pros and cons), but this does mean that i will need internet access on the cruise. It also means that my work schedule will become utterly plausible, even easier than this past semester, but will require me to shift to working MWF instead of TR. Maybe i could get some Saturdays off? Of course, i would prefer just to film the football team again, but i don't know if that's going to happen.

Things i will most likely have to buy:
my own mountain bike or a hybrid bike (can't use Mom's forever)
a nice digital camera (or use the camera Grandpa Jocko gave me, which uses film, an added expense)

All in all, i'm excited.

TriNewb W10D1-2... final brick!

2009-06-03T20:24:00.002-06:00

It wasn't on the schedule, but i never got around to biking the last five miles after work yesterday because of the rain. i spent most of the night reading a blog i've been working my way through, From Marshmallow Man to Ironman, and felt guilty because he had an entire spiel about training in the rain because you never know what race conditions will be like.

So today i headed to the pool and swam 600m, trying to see how long it takes me to swim 50m freestyle vs. 50m breaststroke, and then trying to swim 100m straight by working in a little breaststroke when i start to get winded. i'm staying in a good zone cardio wise, but will need to pace myself a bit race day because there's no place to rest.

After i got home i rode to the highway and back, then out to the dirt road (just past the cattleguard). i ran half an hour, in pouring rain for ten of those minutes, then rode home. When i got back to my bike it had fallen over and there was mud all over one handlebar, my helmet, and a bit on my gloves. i opened the Camelbak up and rinsed off what i could on the handlebar, inside of the helmet, and gloves, before continuing (which added to my rest time). The entire trip took me an hour and eight minutes (those eight minutes largely being one pause for a breath halfway through the bike ride and transitions). i also practiced my swim to bike transition twice before starting out, once in flip flops and once barefoot (owie!), improving my time the second time. Worked on cadence and changing gears again, this time often settling into a 96 rpm stroke, which is really good but i think indicates that i need to shift up just one gear more and push myself a little harder. i'm not sure i'll really be able to improve my cycling much more before the race, but i'm starting to think about working on it more afterwards.

The run itself was a challenge because it was a brick, and uphill the first half, and in the rain with my hair matted to my face, and with a headwind on the way down, but i went farther than i was expecting to (since i felt so weak at the beginning), 2 miles, and i actually had an okay pace of 4 mph average. My runs are going okay, not great, and i didn't feel like i had the greatest day (considering how strong i felt on the way to the pool), but it does feel good to know that i just finished another mini-tri (albeit with a really extended swim). ETA: i did also notice at the beginning of the second interval of my run that i had recovered quite a bit and felt like i had more energy on the way back than out. i also noticed during Int. 2 that my thighs don't rub together as badly anymore: new measurements indicate that i have lost 3" on my thighs, down 1" from my pre-training measurement. i also noticed this on Monday when my favorite pair of jeans were uncomfortably loose, which is bittersweet to say the least.

A week and a half to race day!

TriNewb W10D2

2009-06-02T12:12:00.000-06:00

Can't get to the pool today before work, so i went biking instead. i didn't really have time for a full fifteen miles, so i'll try to fit in 5 more miles after work; it's not ideal, but it will have to do.

Focused on RPMs today, aiming for 90. i should have given myself a little bit more warmup. Started on the downhill side today, actually found 90 rpm to be very easy, sometimes tapering to 85ish on the small hills. At the turnaround point it became a new ballgame, as it's a 300 foot climb. The first half i was averaging 80-85 rpms, sometimes falling below that on steep hills, but never below 60 rmp (low end was usually 65-70 rpm). About 2/3 of my way up the hill i gave up on counting rpms and focused on breathing and form. i definitely wasn't keeping up the pace, and then i discovered that i was inexplicably in the highest gear up front, while i thought i had been in the middle. i spent a lot of time in the lowest gears for the rest of the time, upshifting for declines, and actually bouncing in my seat at one point (was a new experience for me). Tried leaning forward on my elbows a couple of times, bothers my knees less now and my arms more. Maybe i could get some clip on aero bars?

Oh no! The dreaded 666th post!

2009-05-30T21:58:00.001-06:00

Yesterday Katie and i headed to Highline Lake for a training session. She floated in the swimming area while i swam in open water for the first time, about 576m in all, following the buoys and fighting the boat wakes. i breast stroked a lot more than usual, and rested more, partially because one length was about 72m long (i'm still not really used to swimming 50m straight). So the swim took longer than usual, but i felt really strong during the breaststroke, it kind of helped with the wakes because i could stroke when the water was high and breathe when it was low without too much effort.

Next, Katie and i ran and walked the Highline Lake Trail, partially on the East Bluff Loop, running about 15 minutes (not continuously!) and walking the rest. It was really hot at first and had really rough terrain (steep hills and very narrow path). The Highline Lake Trail proper was easier but by that time we were worn out and i had a blister. It got cool about 2/3 of the way through, there were great views, but i couldn't help but think it would have been more enjoyable (yet nerve racking) on a bike. It was my first time out with my tri shorts, which felt a little weird to run in at first. Using the online mapper at mapmytri.com was difficult, it came up with 3.45 miles, but i think it was farther than that. I had a Razz Clif Gel between my swim and run as well.

Tonight, after work, i ran around 5k / 3.1 mi. i had a Strawberry Clif Gel, and my run went a lot better. My blister finally stopped hurting about 2/5 of my way through (it bothered me all day at work), in the middle of my second interval (i ran 30 minutes in all, 3 ten minute intervals). My walking intervals were pretty long, next time i'll run more and walk less, maybe get even farther.

i didn't feel good about my performance at Highline Lake, but feel really good about how i did tonight. i figure that the portion of the Highline Lake Trail that we skipped was way easier than what we were doing (it sure looked that way from across the little valley). i'm probably challenging myself more than i should be, which is discouraging in a way because i'm not making my mark, but encouraging because i am getting farther than i would have ever dreamed a year ago. i was starting to think that there was no way i would be able to finish this thing with any semblance of time, but the water should be less choppy on race day (no wakes to fight against), the climate will be much cooler (early morning instead of mid-afternoon), and i will have another week and a half of training under my belt. It's getting to the line here.

Incidentally, i got my tri shorts at about 2/3 of list price because the lady at the Bike Shop felt so bad about my delays in getting them. They fit great, a little looser than i expected actually. i adjusted my shoes tonight, too, because they were laced up one hole too high, which i think was the cause of my problems. Tomorrow i need to do laundry and will ride 20 miles on Mom's bike if it kills me... but i won't be riding up any big hills. i think i might go out the dirt road and see what it's like out that way because i've never been that far out it.

weird

2009-05-27T00:40:00.001-06:00

i have no idea how much weight i've lost over the past month. i'm not going to the gym at Mesa State regularly anymore, with their super accurate super scale to pet my ego. Today i noticed that my kelly green fitted t-shirt--the one i got on March 15th for like $5 at Wal-Mart because i had absolutely nothing green to wear on the 17th--has somehow gotten looser since the last time i wore it (about 2-3 weeks ago). Either it got stretched out in the wash... or my arms and stomach have gotten thinner. It's just really weird to have my clothing fitting differently while the tape measure is fluctuating in the 44-46" range for my true waistline and holding steady. i mean, it's great that i'm losing the paunch, but is it too much to ask for my measurements to change? i have some goal clothes that i would really like to be able to fit into. But of course we only measure ourselves at the pre-ordained locations that make absolutely no sense for me. My waist and hips are always exactly the same as each other while my breasts, while not proportionately larger than my waist, are huge compared to anyone's definition of normal.

Shopping for a swimsuit has been murder for me because some retards seemed to have gotten together and assumed that the standard for swimsuits should be that if you are large on top you must have an even huger bum. Case in point, at Target i tried on numerous sizes, the results were that i fit in a 24W on top and 16W on bottom. The lunacy continues in the running clothes department, where my sizes range from 1X (as with my singlette) to needing an unavailable 2X (in the fitted tanks), while as far as bottoms 1X is too large while Large is still a little snug and all of the shorts were too short. If i try on a one piece swimsuit, the top is usually too tight while the bottom is way too big and the length is always too short or too long. My dimensions do not make any kind of sense when it comes to manufactured clothing.

Anyway, i was trying to fall to sleep, but my brain wouldn't shut up: sorry if this post was any kind of redundant.

Tri Training W9D2

2009-05-26T13:11:00.005-06:00

In some ways, this workout was better than Sunday's; in some ways it was worse. i got to my usual turnaround point, and my heart started pounding in my chest. i think i might have been hyperventilating, which is a new experience for me. i had to sit down for a couple of minutes and thought that i was going to hurl. Once again, i only rode half as far as the workout called for, partially because of time constraints, partially because i didn't have the energy.

Right now i don't have as much energy as i'd like: i think my diet is the culprit. Unfortunately my training has kind of fallen by the wayside since finals, and i really need to focus over the next two weeks. i may get some Clif Bars or Gels to have right before a workout, because this is ridiculous, i really feel that i should be doing better than this at this point in my training, seeing how it wasn't really a problem in the weeks leading up to finals.

My hands' propensity to fall asleep is also worrisome, i think i'm just going to have to break down and buy some gloves.

State of the Triathlon Training - Week 8

2009-05-24T00:32:00.005-06:00

This week i was constantly exhausted and i have no idea why. i tried to get up early to train several times, but was totally unmotivated, and always slept through my alarms. At this point i feel like my entire life is work, and i've only picked up one day so far. i don't think i can handle working any more, i don't know if i can handle working next semester, but i also can't afford to quit.

On Wednesday Katie and i went tubing on the Gunnison River. i didn't realize how high and fast it would be, found out after we got home that Aunt Polly had heard that it wasn't safe to swim in yet because they were letting more water out of a reservoir upstream. We hiked up the tracks about 2 miles, drifted in freezing cold currents about 3 miles, and then hiked back up the track 1 mile to our car. Finding a place to put in required a little hiking, and getting out required quite a bit of exertion, mostly because the mud under the gravel we were standing on kept sliding down the little embankment. It didn't help that we had both broken our flipflops (i could only find one of my generic Teva sandals ): ). In the end i could not find a foothold and had to pull myself up with my arms by holding onto a root. You wouldn't think it to look at me, but i am strong and flexible and despite my klutzy tendencies have pretty good balance. i did end up getting some tiny scrapes on my legs though, the largest one being on my ankle, but none of them serious. It was a miracle that i didn't step on any thorns or splinters though. After we got back to the canoe take out we soaked our legs for a while and rinsed off and joked around and talked about the Lost finale.

On Thursday i didn't have enough time for a full brick and a shower by the time i got outside: i rode 10 minutes (up a hill), ran 10 minutes, and biked back home in 6 minutes (down said hill). i really felt like i was running very slowly, but when i got home and added it to my training log i discovered that i was probably running about 4.5 mph, which is pretty fast for me. i guess my excruciating speed drills have paid off a little.

Today i actually rode up this huge hill that's up the road from our house (i'm not sure if it's called Whitewater Mesa or something else). i meant to ride 20 miles today, up that hill, and around behind it, coming back on Kannah Creek Rd and the highway. Unfortunately there was a headwind the entire way up, and it's really steep hill (steeper than i had realized), enough so that i could barely push my bike up the steepest .3 miles at 2.5 mph (i usually walk at 3.5 mph). Frankly just the thought of riding down that hill is a little bit scary.

i rode farther uphill than i ever have before and it quite wore me out, so once i got a ways on top i decided to turn around and come back home, hoping for a 15 mile round trip, but it turned out to be closer to 10 miles. i coasted most of the way home, breaking through all the steepest portions and not letting myself coast until i reached my usual turn around point. The gears were problematic today it seemed like, but maybe it was just because i spent so much of my time riding uphill. ETA: One thing i have learned since starting to train for this triathlon is that cyclists depend on their arms a lot more than one might expect. My arms have gotten a lot stronger, but i still can't imagine riding with those weird curved handlebars.

So my training schedule this week was eclectic. i didn't follow it exactly, partially because i couldn't really afford to go to the pool (i have enough money to go one more time before i get paid). Last weekend i ordered my shorts (the Bike Shop was out of stock so i ordered it through them and put half down) and found a swimsuit top on sale online. i might just end up returning the swimsuit top, i think i'll be fine swimming in my new running bra and Champion top that i bought last spring, way before i even decided to train for a triathlon. Hmm, i guess images are in order:

my new Moving Comfort Fiona bra <3
i swear, i have never wanted to show off a bra so much! i hardly bounce at all in this beauty, and it's super comfortable. i want to get it in "Ocean/Sky" but am a size too large: only white or black for me, apparently.

horrible cell camera pic of me before the Girls on the Run 5k in said turquoise singlette: it's from the C9 line at Target and, as it turns out, one of my cheapest training purchases (i guess my laces were cheaper).

speaking of which... my lock laces

The only other gear i'm considering is some bike gloves, but the ones at the Bike Shop (while really nice) cost upwards of $30. Man this is way so expensive. i don't know if i should just tough out my hands going to sleep and cramping or not. Eek i need to get myself over to JUCO.

TriNewb W7D6

2009-05-17T20:47:00.000-06:00

i guess today was a 2/3 tri, i swam the full 500m and rode 2/3 of my race distance. i've improved my pace again this week, too. i mean to turn around early, but i made it to the original turn around point not quite as winded (though it's still quite a climb, it doesn't look quite so high anymore! By race day, i may not even think it's a significant hill, who knows). ETA: It's been another week, it's still a significant hill. ):

TriNewb W7D5

2009-05-16T20:45:00.003-06:00

i got off work late, didn't want to run at the track (Mesa State was having a baseball game or something), partially because i felt really unenergetic after standing on my feet for 9 hours. i had a Clif Gel (Mocha), grabbed my cellphone, and realized that i didn't have a suitable podcast on it. i programmed 3 alarms during my workout and new ones as the old ones went off. i had a 5 min. warmup, 10 min. run, 3 min. walk, 5 min. run, 2 min. walk, 10 min. run, 7 min. cd (the schedule called for a 45 min. run., this was only 41 mins., but i was tired, and did really well for all my energy being on the gel shot). Those little things taste kinda funny but they really work.

eek!

2009-05-15T18:16:00.000-06:00

So first off, a big wow, but i have swam, rode, and ran 48.13 miles so far this month. In other news, the Highline Hustle Sprint Triathlon is in just over four weeks, and my training kind of fell by the wayside during the pressure of finals, but school is over for the semester! i haven't gotten to relax like i did today in a good six months it seems like.

TriNewb W7D3

2009-05-15T17:33:00.001-06:00

My first brick outside the gym: Katie and i took a leisurely ride, then ran a bit. Ran two five minute intervals, walked the rest. Katie runs a little bit faster than me, i ride quite a bit faster than her (partially because she doesn't have as good of a bike).

ETA: According to my training plan, a Brick equals a 30 min. ride, 10 min. run, and 20 minute walk.

so irritating

2009-05-11T18:16:00.000-06:00

Was looking for a forum or blog about being a virgin... there is WAY too much out there that screams that there's something wrong with someone if they're a virgin at my age, that you must be ugly, stink, or brainwashed by a repressive religion. i am so tired of being single, but have no prospects, never have had any prospects except for the once (and we all know how that turned out). i am a virgin by choice, and it doesn't mean that i have no sex drive! i am very frustrated and really, really want to meet the right guy and get married already!!! But i am also committed to making sure that i find the man that God wants me to marry and remaining pure until we are married. I WANT A MALE VIRGIN THAT DOESN'T HAVE MORE BAGGAGE THAN I DO. i'm sick of the warped mindset that pervades our culture. Casual or premarital sex of any kind is not good, sex is sacred.

The more i think about Brad, the more i want him... Why? Because i am so desperate to not be alone and he is the ONLY guy who has EVER shown the slightest interest in me. Okay, there was one guy who was nice to me last semester, but as it turned out he has a baby with his girlfriend. The problem is that i'm sure that Brad isn't right for me but i still love him anyway and i am way too desperate, no matter how hard i try to be patient, it just doesn't work. So basically, i'm either feeling like there's no hope at all, why even bother looking, or feel hopeful but so impatient that i am borderline desperate. Is it too much to ask for to find a guy who loves God and me enough to wait?

i survived the last week of classes!!!

2009-05-08T23:40:00.002-06:00

/gasp It's so shocking, i never thought i'd get here, i even turned in my U.S. Lit paper on time (albeit barely six pages instead of a full six pages long). It was funny, i had just gotten to my desk in Brit Lit this morning when a wave of nostalgia ran over me: i'm going to miss the girl's corner we had going on and Brian, who sometimes kind of reminded me of Brad. i will not miss Brit Romanticism (though i enjoyed some of the girls in there, too), and actually came to like Hancock (despite the Obama groupieness). And of course i will miss Professor Christ (pronounced krihsst, not how you would think) even if Creative Writing was very easy, she's so funny and nice. Now i have to finish writing a 7-8 page paper and rewrite the 8 page Monk fiasco before finals on Wednesday and also have one final on Thursday.

Oh, i am also halfway through my triathlon training now! i totally ditched yesterday, i think i was overtired cuz of the race and speed drills, plus i didn't have time to work, finish papers, and exercise, so i had to make a sacrifice and had a half triathlon today. If i maintain the speed i did today, theoretically i can finish the full sprint triathlon in under three hours, however i am hoping to improve my time. It breaks down as follows:
8 min 250m swim (~16 min 500m swim, i hope to bring this down to 12min)
30 min 4 mi. ride (~2 hour 16 mi ride, i hope to bring this down a lot! the stationary bike was wonky, based on my ride last Sunday i should be able to ride 16 mi. in 1 hr. 49 mins. at my current speed, i don't know how much i'll be able to chisel that down over the next few weeks)
10 min .8 mi. run (~40 min. 3.2 mi. run, i'd like to get this down to half an hour)

i have my work cut out for me!

TriNewb W6D1 + 2

2009-05-06T15:59:00.001-06:00

Yesterday i ran speed drills for 20 mins. with 5 mins. of warm up and cool down (for a total of 30 mins.). i really feel as if my training is causing my running to suffer. i am not saying that my running was ever easy, but it seems harder than ever. My bicycle riding is progressing nicely, and my swimming is going very well. Today i swam 64m sets, and another person complimented me on my form (she asked if i've always been able to swim "like that" and said she wished that she could swim like me). i had a little trouble with my breathing (i wasn't getting out of breath, but about halfway through my workout i stopped breathing out underwater), but overall the workout went well. The water tasted nasty today and i got a bit overheated so i didn't get in the hot tub after my workout.

In other news, my elastic shoelaces got here the day before my bra did. Part of the trouble with my run on Tuesday was that my laces were too tight and i was still worn out from my ride on Sunday. i wore my new bra today, haven't ran in it yet, but i can honestly say it's the best sports bra i have ever had. It's very comfortable and supportive.

School has been going as well as can be hoped: i have 3 poems to workshop for one class, a 2 page paper to write, and a 6 page paper to finish for Friday. For tomorrow all i need to do is read some of the 9/11 poems to discuss in class tomorrow. i have a feeling that it's going to be another long night.

Girls on the Run 5k and TriNewb W5D5+6

2009-05-03T14:52:00.000-06:00

So yesterday Katie and i ran the Girls on the Run 5k and it wasn't the most pleasant experience. The weather was overcast, pleasantly cool, a little breezy (i was comfortable, Katie was cold until about 1/3 of the way through the run when she took off her hoodie. i made the mistake of leaving my cellphone with Mom, so i didn't have any concept of time or real concept of distance throughout the run. i haven't walked so much in a long time. My second wind didn't kick in until the last half mile of the run at the earliest. We ran most of the way, but the concrete and asphalt really bothered her arches, the hills really bothered my lungs. (: Both of us hadn't gotten enough rest the day before.

So i've been thinking about it, and i think most of my problems were psychological. Trying to run while surrounded by people is not at all conducive to being able to relax and focus on breathing. It was a challenge to run with people because they might cut me off, might be running too slowly in front of me, i was wondering if i was running too fast when i was passing them, etc. Plus i'm not used to running with a partner, and i felt like i was holding Katie back, but at the same time i didn't feel as if i could run any faster. i think a big part of my problem was that most Saturdays i stand on my feet all day and don't exercise at all, i wasn't familiar with the course and couldn't really let myself know where the halfway point was, and it was probably largely psychological. Somehow my body knows that when my mind says halfway done that it can let go of some more energy and the adrenaline kicks in. So it was a pretty miserable run, but i'm hoping that i'll feel as good (hopefully even better) during the Triathlon (which means after swimming and biking).

The beginning of the race consisted in standing in the middle of a crowd, chatting with a friend of my mother's, and then trying not to run over others or be run over after the race started. We walked a lot at the beginning waiting for the ranks to thin out so we could actually run. The last few hundred feet of the "race" consisted in standing in line so they could record what order we passed the finish line in and our "time" (which is going to be at least five minutes after when we stopped running because we had to just stand there so long). Then it took us another ten-fifteen minutes to find our parents, aunt, and sisters. So i think we finished the run in about 35 minutes, which isn't bad, but it certainly felt like forever, and it felt like it was all uphill. As i said, conditions alternated between asphalt parking lot/street and sidewalks with uneven grass or dirt on the shoulder. i tried to stay off the concrete as much as possible, but for the last half mile or so i didn't want to risk turning an ankle in the grass. i hate running on concrete, but at least it's even, and it was a lot less taxing than last time i had tried it (i don't know that i've lost weight, but i know that i've lost fat and gained muscle).

Today i rode my bike about 12 miles. The odd thing is that my biking has improved a lot but i think it's still my weakest event. i'm starting to get used to shifting but still look to make sure i turned it the right way. My arms didn't get tired today, even though i leaned on them more, but my hands did halfway through (luckily no cramps this time though). The reason i'm wondering about how psychological my second wind is: exactly halfway through my bike ride i got my second wind.

i'm almost halfway through my triathlon training now, and have come so far, but i can see that i still have a long way to go if yesterday was any indicator. Last year, there were less than 600 girls at the Girls on the Run 5k; this year, they said 1200 registered. All i can say is, wow.

Tri Training W5D4

2009-05-01T22:57:00.000-06:00

So today i watched Katie's relay team win both of their heats! One was an all girl relay (she ran third, catching up with the other runners, while the first and second girls had been in last) and won first place overall, the other had two boys and two girls and won second place overall. It was exciting, and my face got a bit sunburned.

Today my swim was increased to 400m; i expected it to take me half an hour but it only took me about twenty minutes. My heartrate got a little bit higher, spiking at 150 bpm two or three times, but still spent most of its time in the 132 bpm range. i bought a swim towel which is weird: it doesn't feel like a normal towel, but it's supposed to absorb a lot of water quickly.

On Thursday i got some Clif bars on sale at City Market and tried them. No adverse digestion affects that i could tell! i actually enjoyed them despite the soy. i wanted to get ready for race day tomorrow and also make sure that they didn't make me sick so come Triathlon day if i eat them i'm not puking off the side of my (Mom's) bike / the trail.

Today i also bought the supplies for a race belt: total cost came in under $4. The only one i could find in town was something like $12 while most online are $10-15. i realized once i got to Hi Fashion Fabric that i could have (should have?) made my own elastic laces and worn them tomorrow, but they're already paid for (and finally on their way) so not much point now. So much for two day shipping, however, seeing how the bra is scheduled to arrive on the 5th and the laces the 6th-11th. To be perfectly honest, the laces weren't two day shipping, but i don't understand why it took the bra over twenty-four hours to leave the warehouse (it shipped about an hour ago). i ordered it on Thursday morning for crying out loud, it should be getting here tomorrow!

Lastly, i went shopping for shorts (mine are old and a little loose and worn out) and discovered that the current trend for athletic shorts leaves them... way too short. i don't want to buy shorts that are shorter than my fingertips when my arms are at my side. i don't want to buy shorts that are so baggy that i feel like my bum is hanging out. And i don't want to buy shorts that are so see through that my pantyline is blatantly obvious. Those shorts made me feel half naked. It also seems that my size is somewhere between a L and XL at Target and a perfect XL at JCPenney. The shorts were on sale, but i decided that i don't want any shorts that are in my current size, tyvm, i want shorts in size L. It's going to be soooo weird not having to hunt for XLs as much (though to be perfectly honest i'll probably always be looking for XL or XXL tops because of my bust size).

Anyway, training is coming along well, i'm looking forward to the race in the morning, and then i have a paper to write.

argh

2009-04-30T23:41:00.002-06:00

Went to Gene Taylor's today, tried on a swim cap, decided not to get it, but bought a swim towel. They still do not have any swimsuits in my size. From what i can tell, i need a 22 or 24 top (and if i needed them 18 or 16 bottoms)... they only have one pieces and string bikinis, so of course none or their suits will work for me. Apparently they've had to cut back on inventory. How am i supposed to buy anything if they don't carry my size??? i don't know what to do for a tri top, i could stuff myself into an XL (if i can even find one!) and be uncomfortable, when what i really need is a XXL or XXXL. i have no hips, but i have a huge bust!

GotR 5k

2009-04-27T23:39:00.000-06:00

Last year 559 women ran in the Girls on the Run 5k. Wow, i wasn't expecting so many! Only the top 119 did it in half an hour or less. That's my goal (only the first 100 get t-shirts).

Tri Training W5D1

2009-04-27T23:24:00.000-06:00

It was a short run today, twenty minutes all together, two five minute intervals, and i actually ran more than i was "supposed" to. i edited the Podrunner Interval W5D1 podcast last night to fit the workout and even though the rest period was only a minute long it felt like forever. i was sure that i must have accidentally edited out the chimes that told me to start running again, so i did starting running again, probably about 45s into the rest! It was a short run, i'm not sure how far i went (i stayed on the road again, and by the time i had gotten back home didn't remember where my turn around point had been), but i'm sure that it must have been less than two miles.

Fitness finally seems to be catching on with the adults in the house / on the property! This week Aunt Polly started the Cto5k program and Mom and Dad joined the gym. Katie will be running in the Girls on the Run 5k with me on Saturday (i don't know if we'll stay together, but we'll both be there). i've been kind of wishing for a training partner lately, but even training alone i feel like exercise has become addicting! i constantly want to exercise more and have to pace myself so i won't get injured. i actually have a bruise right now that i have no idea where i got it (unless it was from when one of the dogs jumped on me last week, and if so it sure took it's time showing up) and my left forearm is sore. i just read that you're more likely to bruise the less fat you have; who knew?

Anyways, looking forward to my swim tomorrow.

TriNewb W4D4 / Cto5k W9D3... COMPLETE!

2009-04-26T16:33:00.001-06:00

Wow, i've done 17 workouts this month already, a far cry from the 3 i did last month! The last time i did anywhere near that much exercise was in October with 13 workouts. i was faithfully running 3 days a week in September and October, but from November to March... not so much. i didn't work out once in December, and it was only 3-4 times a month the rest of the time. i kept wondering why i wasn't losing weight: i felt as if was doing my part, but my workout log (and how long it's taken me to finish the Couch to 5k program) tells the truth... i wasn't making the time to work out.

Of course, now that i have made changes, i've only gained weight, but i am healthier for it none the less. i'm sure that my body is going to start slimming down in the coming weeks.

i'm excited to announce that i have next Saturday off work and will be running in the Girls on the Run 5k at Long's Park. The largest t-shirt size i could order online was a Large... ): i don't even know if i'd ever be able to wear it (maybe i could turn it into a bag or something, stow my triathlon gear in it). On their mail-in registration form it says that they have Youth S-L and Adult S-XL, so i e-mailed them to see if i can get an XL instead.

Regarding my triathlon gear, it turns out that there isn't any mounts for cages on my mom's bike, so i'm going to be wearing my dad's Camelbak instead. i looked at them online a couple of days ago, they're expensive, and the ones that hold enough water are hard to find at closeout prices and never in the colors that i like. i know, i'm superficial, but if i'm going to spend $50+ on any piece of equipment, i better like the color and not be embarrassed to wear it! Also, the gear should fit me and not be see through. i meant to mention this about a week ago: i tried on Under Armor compression tops at Sports Authority (as they were recommended over Tritops at the TriNewb forums) and most were see-through and all were too long. i don't want people staring at my rolls while i'm exercising or competing or ever.

Now that Couch to 5k is complete i'll be running intervals and trying to increase my speed. This week i start bricks, which is when one rides her bike, then runs immediately afterwards, to adjust to the change in motion and in preparation for doing so in a triathlon. i'm enjoying triathlon training even more than i enjoyed running, and am already starting to wonder if there will be another Sprint Triathlon this summer that i might be able to compete in. i am going to make sure i complete my first before i think too seriously on that probably though. (:

"Slow and steady wins the race..."

2009-04-26T14:44:00.002-06:00

or How to do the Couch to 5k running plan by luinel

It took me: 32 weeks

It made me: Feel Strong

How I did it: i started out slow, not able to run the entire intervals in week 1, so i repeated week 1. The first five weeks of the program i ran faithfully, and improved a lot, then repeated part of week 5 because i had trouble running that long. In week 6 i bought new shoes, and they gave me blisters, then i got sick, and had finals, so the program fell by the wayside. For 10 weeks i had winter break, worked full time, and got sick again.

When the spring semester started again, i repeated week 5, but it actually took me two weeks to get in all 3 runs. In February it took me two weeks to run week 6, and i started week 7 at the end of the month. At this point, i was feeling discouraged because i had school and work and was stressed. i didn't feel like i had the time to relax, let alone work out. i finished week 7 in the first week of March, but didn't even start week 8 until March 24.

At the beginning of April i decided it was time to stop procrastinating and focus on taking care of myself. i finished week 8, then started training to compete in a triathlon in June. Over the past 3 weeks i have worked out 4-5 times a week, running on the days my new training program called for it, but following week 9 of the Couch to 5k program, except for one day when i was too exhausted to run that far, and ran short intervals instead. At the same time i am going to school full time, working part time, and getting ready for finals. Has it been challenging? Yes, but right now i feel like i can face anything.

Lessons & tips: i'm not focusing on my running anymore, i'm focusing on becoming a
triathlete and taking care of my body. i could not have become a runner without this program, but i have always listened to my body. There were times where i would get a cramp in the middle of my run, or a stitch in my side; i would walk it out, or sometimes press on, but i discovered that my body is capable of doing more than i realized. Every time that i felt like i couldn't make it, i did.

Today i ran and walked 2.9 miles. The day before yesterday i biked 10 miles, and the day before that i swam over 300m without getting tired out. Next Saturday i hope to run my first 5k at a local Girls on the Run event.

Resources:
DJ Beatsmith's Podrunner Intervals podcasts
lots of water
a healthy diet with few processed foods
giving up Coca-Cola and high fructose corn syrup (for the most part)
prayer

TriNewb W4D5

2009-04-24T18:55:00.002-06:00

Was a bit breezy today, and i felt a run would be ill advised, so i skipped day 4 of week 4 (will probably run it tomorrow). i jumped on Mom's bike and rode 9.898 miles instead, with the wind blowing against me most of the way (it kept changing directions, and never in my favor). Around mile 7 my left hand cramped for a while: my arms are so short that to hold the grips in my palms i have to lean forward and bear my weight. It gets painful after a while, i try to sit up as much as possible and not grip the handlebars tightly. Shifting went better today, though it's a pain to get it to go into third (on the left hand shifter). i climbed about 300 feet today, it was a really big workout, but i'm looking forward to shaving time off of the ride in the future (it took me nearly 50 minutes). My slowest speed was 6.6 mph at the steepest, my fastest 23.3 mph on my way back down. Oh, and i used the bike computer for the first time today (obviously), Dad had it lying around: i installed it last night. i might end up using his camelback instead of bottles in cages, i need to check to see if the bike even has the capability of mounting cages.

Incidentally... my weight and waist have gone up, but my thighs and calves have definitely gotten more muscular. And, disgusting as it might be (is), my waistline is not the thickest part of my waist. My upper roll has finally shrunk to the same size as my lower roll, so i'm psyched. Now if i could only get both those rolls to the same size as my waistline, and even smaller.

training and school

2009-04-21T11:45:00.001-06:00

If you've been checking out my Facebook or MapMyTri, you know that i've been continuing to train. i'm not enjoying the gym at St. Mary's thus far, all of the elliptical trainers are causing me injury instead of preventing them. Next time i will have to use one of the treadmills, which isn't a great option because the really good ones have a twenty minute time limit and the they're all old. Running outside would be so much better but would require me to drive somewhere good to run. The ellipticals at Mesa's gym are so much better, but then, the pool is closed there. One thing that is driving me crazy is riding the bikes indoors, there's nothing wrong with them, but i get so hot indoors and would really love to feel a breeze.

Today in US Lit my group finally did our oral report. i only had five minutes, and i was so nervous that i wasn't as articulate as i would have liked. i didn't have enough time to say what i would have liked, but i haven't frozen so bad ever before, i don't think i could have done it without my notes. i'm much more comfortable speaking from my desk than from a podium.

Now that is out of the way, i have another reading response to write and a research paper to work on... and that's only for U.S. Lit. In British Romanticism i ahve an 8 page literary analysis to write on one of the poems or authors we've covered this semester (the bright spot in this is that i won't have any classes the week after next in that class, only conferences with the teacher to work on our final papers) and an open book test to study for. In Brit Lit we have a presentation next week (sounds easy enough, but he hasn't discussed it in class yet) and another paper Monday (that he also hasn't discussed yet). Creative Writing is my easy class, we write about a poem a week and i will have to revise about 5 of them for my final portfolio.

So, to sum up: 8 page paper, 5-6 page paper, 2-3 page paper, oral report, portfolio. My training is keeping me centered right now: i'm thinking of trying a new church but have been too exhausted to get out of bed far too many Sunday mornings (it's basically the only day i feel i can sleep in without getting fired or flunking). i'm most worried about my grade in Brit Lit, what papers he FINALLY handed back didn't look good. At this point, i'll be happy with a B in there, and i really wanted to make straight A's this semester. Yeah, don't think i'll be blogging much for the rest of the semester. i'd like to post my papers and poems though, we'll have to see if i can find the time.

Tri Training W3D4 / Cto5k W9D2

2009-04-17T17:02:00.003-06:00

St. Mary's Life Center has lousy Elliptical Trainers!!! They still have the old Reebok ones from about 9 years ago, and after 20 minutes on one the backs of my ankles and my arches were killing me. i tried to finish my workout on the CardioFit machine, but it wasn't much better: if my feet were forward it would dump me all the way forward in my shoes, hurting my toes, and the machine creates way too much bounce, which was awkward. It was extremely hard to find a comfortable pace and i couldn't go backward on either machine. i had intended to lift weights (for arms, shoulders, and chest), but after a horrible 40 min. cardio workout i'd had enough. The stupid scale said that i've gained weight, too, but it's so old and has been moved so many times that i don't trust it. i hope my experience on the bikes will be better, because did not have a good time today.

Tri Training W3D3

2009-04-15T21:53:00.000-06:00

Today i went to class instead of the Tea Party: i regretted it the entire time.

This afternoon the weather was windy and alternated between overcast and sunny. i took the dogs for a walk (they were pulling me practically the entire way): 1.8 miles in a little over 30 minutes. i joined St. Mary's and swam laps. The pool is only 16m long, so it's going to be harder for me to count how far i've swam, i'll try to figure it out before my swim from now on. i swam 9.5 laps (19 lengths) for 304m.

i also bought some gear today in the form of a new helmet, goggles, and some swim boy shorts. The helmet was on sale (sorry Bike Shop, i would have bought it from you, but i have to go where the deals are), but i didn't go for a cheapo this time: i'm going to be spending too many hours in one for me to buy a heavy, uncomfortable, ill fitting helmet (as it is, this one is barely large enough). For now i'll wear the boy shorts with the tankini i bought last spring (a year ago). In fact, it is soooo much easier to swim laps now that i'm not wearing the guys trunks that i was swimming in (they are knee length and baggy and heavy when wet). i've figured out which tri shorts i'm going to buy, but they can't be used in chlorinated water, and i figure that i don't have to buy them immediately. i'll gradually buy gear in the weeks working up to the race. i'm also going to register for the Girls on the Run 5k this paycheck.

Here's my gear thus far:

Giro helmet

Speedo Aqua Racer goggles

Pearl Izumi shorts that i want to get

Tri Training W3D2

2009-04-14T21:51:00.000-06:00

i went to the gym after work and rode 6 miles, then lifted weights for my arms and shoulders. i'm trying to take it easy with the weights, but i know my arms are being neglected. i've gained 2 pounds, which is discouraging, but i'm sure it's muscle because my legs are definitely getting stronger. Give me a couple more weeks and my thighs and calves will be huge! As it is my waist and thighs have stayed the same, but i've gained like an 1 1/2" on my thighs. i expected a weight gain this week, i'm so hungry all the time, and am really working hard on this, but i was stupid this afternoon and got on the old scale... which told me that i had lost 5 pounds. i should have known better than to trust it. Overall, feeling good, looking forward to my swim and walk tomorrow, and hoping i can run 5k on Friday.

Tri Training W3D1

2009-04-13T22:21:00.000-06:00

So today i swam 200m (100 free, 100 breast) and made good time doing it: it took me about 12 mins. Next i headed to Stoker Stadium to use the track. i warmed up on lap one, ran lap two, and then ran intervals the next two laps (mostly running the straightaways and walking the curves), and walked the final lap to cool down for a final distance of about 1.375 mi. After yesterday's bike ride i'm pretty tired and do have some sore bones in my butt... or pelvis or whatever, they're sore from being sat on a certain way, not from friction or anything. Anyway, i didn't feel strong today, was starving after my workout, and tried to eat more protein today.

i looked into joining St. Mary's Life Center but am really disgusted with the fact that you have to have a $50 initial session with a trainer unless you get the two-week pass first. It would be slightly more expensive for me to join the life center than continue paying cash to go to the Orchard Mesa Pool, but of course that's only if i don't use the gym as well (i would probably be using it some, but would like to predominately train outside). The pass is cheapest per swim, but will only cover eleven of my swims before Memorial Day (at which point it can't be used until Labor Day); after that i will still have six more swims. The plus side of the pool pass is that i can share it with family members, i can't do that with the gym membership, and i will be able to use the pass again next fall. Unfortunately it's buying in bulk and thus expensive. i could just continue to pay the individual fee each time i go in... which comes to about the same amount as the gym membership. Argh, i'm talking in circles.

...

Upon further contemplation, the two-week pass and one month of membership sound like the best bet, because that will only be four swim sessions left without a membership, which comes to about $.14 cheaper per swim than paying cash every time i go to the Orchard Mesa Pool. At that point i can go to any pool (Lincoln Park's pool will be open) or Highline Lake itself to practice swimming in open water. A day long park pass is $6, camping overnight is $14, which would be good for swimming one afternoon and biking the course the next day or vice versa. Hmm, maybe i should do a brick then. i sure am feeling ambitious considering how tired i am right now, i hope this gets better. Can i run a full 30 mins. again on Friday? i didn't feel like i could today.

i really, really need to do some research for next week's presentation for U.S. Lit. and i am totally unmotivated.

i know, i'm obsessed...

2009-04-13T00:25:00.001-06:00

The crazy thing about Scrubs is... they're still going through the same exact situations on the show even though it's been years and they've changed networks.

Tri Training W2D5

2009-04-12T23:30:00.001-06:00

This afternoon's bike ride yielded a new route. Sammy and Daniel came along, so i had to stop and wait for them A LOT: my detour down Martin Ct was so they could catch up, but enabled me to make this ride come to just over 8 mi. Daniel's chain kept falling off and his pants kept getting caught in the chain, too. My heartrate was higher than i would have liked, so the stopping and waiting helped keep me stay in a good range. If i do this route again i hope to make better time. i'm still learning the gears, it was my first time on my Mom's bike, which i must say is the best bike i've ever ridden.

It was nice weather, cool but not cold, and breezy. On the way back it started to sprinkle, and for the last mile the wind was blowing in my face and it was raining. i'm tired. It's worth noting that my knees never hurt me (like they used to in high school while riding a bike), which is really nice to know. Now if i could just figure out when to change gears....

ugh

2009-04-11T00:31:00.000-06:00

i picked up He's Just Not that Into You at the grocery store the other day for a moment, and perused the table of contents:

You Are All Dating the Same Guy
1 He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Asking You Out
2 He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Calling You
3 He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Dating You
4 He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Having Sex with You
5 He's Just Not That Into You If He's Having Sex with Someone Else
6 He's Just Not That Into You If He Only Wants to See You When He's Drunk
7 He's Just Not That Into You If He Doesn't Want to Marry You
8 He's Just Not That Into You If He's Breaking Up with You
9 He's Just Not That Into You If He's Disappeared on You
10 He's Just Not That Into You If He's Married (and Other Insane Variations of Being Unavailable)
11 He's Just Not That Into You If He's a Selfish Jerk, a Bully, or a Really Big Freak

This was the source of one of the sinking feelings that i've had over the course of the past week. We can discard #4 (i'm not sure it's apt, seeing how i wouldn't let that happen), but i with Brad i was always a victim of #s 1, 3, 7. Then came #s 9, 2, 8, 11, 6, and 5. That's a lot of numbers! It's hard for me not to wonder if he ever really loved me, or was just using me. i don't want to think that way about him, i want to hang on to hope, to dream about the possibility of getting back together, which is just really, really stupid.

Which brings me back to the first source of that sinking feeling. In Brit Lit this week we read "Impercipient" by Thomas Hardy, which is kind of a made up word, and the teacher asked the class to define it. One guy said: "It's the chick that still thinks that she and her boyfriend are going to get back together months after he broke up with her." Yeah, i've been feeling stupid lately, what with my dreaming of Brad, getting in arguments with my "friend" Laz (he certainly hasn't been acting like a friend), and trying to reconnect with old online friends that have lied to me (see, this rogue Curse has always claimed to be a girl. A long time ago we were in UBRS and BWL and (s)he wouldn't get on Vent so we were saying... you must be a guy. Megan always thought Curse was a guy, i was sure she was a she. It turns out... Curse is a guy. i don't understand why he couldn't say that up front, now it feels like a betrayal). How is one supposed to trust people that aren't honest???

shopping for sports bras online

2009-04-10T21:47:00.001-06:00

i just measured myself, and apparently i am a 46B. i kid you not. i don't think they even make bras in that size.

ETA: i tried on a 44B at Wal-Mart, and as i expected the band was way too big and the cup was way too small. i think i'll stick with my 42DD tyvm.

Tri Training ... just let me swim

2009-04-10T21:03:00.003-06:00

The ironic thing is that last night when i left work i was raring to go: my arms were killing me, but i was dying for a bike ride. i decided that i needed the rest day. This morning i woke up feeling bleh. i kept meaning to go running but finishing an assignment took me longer than i thought it would and i really just did not feel up to it, even after having salmon and stir fry for lunch. So i went swimming but pushed myself to 300m even though it was only meant to be a 200m week. i took my time, breast stroked the first 25m, did 30 bobs, crawled 175m, breast strokes 25m, crawled 50, and cooled down the last 25 with the breast stroke. i talked to the girl that i shared the lane with last time today, she was nice. She is sooo fast, but her form could really use some work (she splashes too much an her flip turn is really far from the wall). Then right when i was ready to leave a older gentlemen got in and it turns out that he's training for the Highline Hustle, too, so i'll probably be seeing both of them from time to time. The good thing about my workout today is that i kept my heartrate under control and paced myself. i should have stayed in the water for a while longer to cooldown, but i was in a hurry to get back to the house: i have no idea why as i had nothing special planned.

i did stop by the Bike Shop and REI this afternoon. i didn't see anything at the Bike Shop that jumped out at me other than training computers. i don't know if i need one, but they're more expensive at REI. At REI i tried on a lot of stuff, the two tri tops, two tri bottoms, two pairs of bicycle shorts that are composed of two layers, a couple of bras, and a pair of running capris. i should say that some of the stuff i tried to try on but was too small, the bras being chief in my mind. The Danskin Tri items were way too tight and uncomfortable, which surprised me because i like to buy their stuff at Wal-Mart to work out in. The Zoot shorts were a tad uncomfortable, but the top was great except for the awkward piping that should be under my breasts but was in the middle of them instead. i hate being busty. The typical cycling shorts are not my thing at all, my butt may feel great but it looks horrible in spandex, not to mention that some of the items were semi-see-through. What i really liked was the casual shorts and bicycle shorts in one, you can have the padding without giving people a reason to stare at you. So i'll probably get a Tri top (not sure about 1X or 2X: the 1X was a little tight, but not overly so) and wear some bikini bottoms or boy shorts to swim in, then pull on the bike shorts. i still do not want to get a wetsuit but i have a feeling that i should talk to the people who have swam the Hustle in the past to be sure.

So there's the rundown, my first week of training nearly complete (i'll bike 8 mi. tomorrow or the next day), and another week of school survived. As for the running: as i said, i'm not as worried about it at this point, i still haven't pushed the 3 mi. mark, but i'm confident that i will soon. i need to focus on my swimming and biking for a bit.

alternatives to the wet suit

2009-04-09T13:20:00.001-06:00

i really, really do not want to buy a wet suit. For one thing, they're expensive. For another, the user must be careful not to tear them, as they are delicate, which isn't exactly conducive to quickly removing one during a transition. For another thing, they have the tendency to chafe (ouch). For another thing, i know i'm not the most streamlined creature, but i do not feel that i have a need for extra buoyancy: i have some built in. And lastly, if i only am in one triathlon ever, or am in this one and continue to lose weight, what am i going to do with a wetsuit that i don't need / doesn't fit?

i'm on a budget and i need to be practical. i'm probably going to be borrowing a bike from one of my parents, running in the same outfit and shoes that i cycle in, etc. Wouldn't it be great if i could swim in the same thing? Well apparently you can if you get a Tri Suit (or Tri Top and Shorts). The nicest ones are about the same price as the cheapest wet suits, and the cheapest ones are half as much. To buy one of these sets would cost me a lot: $50-200 depending on the brand, quality, etc., but if i buy a wet suit then i still have to figure out what i'll be biking and running in (and what swimsuit i'll be training in), which costs even more money. i think that i'll go this route instead, the real question is what i'll be doing for a bra, as the one sports bra i own does not provide enough support to run in and i kind of doubt any built in bra will do the job.

So yes, this option is expensive, but it seems to be the best that i can come up with. Who knew that training for a triathlon would be so expensive? i'm almost afraid to tell everyone what i'm investing in this. Another question is whether i should buy these items as soon as possible or wait until i'm certain that i'll be able to participate... and haven't lost weight changing my size. If i am working out five days a week and don't lose weight i am going to be super mad.

Tri Training W1/2D3

2009-04-09T00:05:00.002-06:00

Well yesterday i swam 3 laps, and thinking myself all accomplished got out of the pool because the lane was getting crowded and i wanted to find a better place to do bobs. i was a bit wobbily, and then realized that i should have warmed up and that my heartrate was at the top of my zone. i need to be more careful about that, i was working myself too hard even though i was the slowest person in the lap lanes.

Luckily i asked a lifeguard how far across the pool was: turns out it's 25m across and i had only done 150m (i had thought it was 50m across). After doing some bobs and working on my form against the wall, i did three more lengths in the lap lane, bringing my total of the day up to 225m. So i did better than the last time i did laps last August, but overall: i have my work cut out for me in the water. Today is an off day, and i'm so sore in the arms. My form was sloppy yesterday, probably mostly because my arms were tired and breathing in the pool is so different than breathing while running. Swimming is definitely going to be my biggest challenge in training.

i read an article at Tri-Newbies.com about how most swimmers train by swimming all out, at a speed where their heart rate is at the maximum level. As a triathlete that's bad because if one works too hard at the beginning of the race they will be worn out before they even get to transition, and the fatigue and elevated heartrate snowballs from there. In a triathlon the competitors never get a chance to rest, so if one's heartrate is too high at the beginning, it will never come down enough to make up for that. i'm already a slow swimmer, always have been, my hope is that i can get my breathing to a level where i can swim comfortably without getting my heartrate too high.

i think that i'll go swimming and running tomorrow both, because that's the workout for W2D1 (in fact i think all the swims are followed by a run or walk from W3 on) and if i go after 5:30 it will cost less than $3. i'm thinking about getting the punch card, which will only be good until Memorial Day (and again after Labor Day), but i can share it with Mom or my aunt. Each swim costs less than $3 if i go that route, and if i can go halvsies or thirdsies on it, so much more the better. After that i'll probably get a gym membership, at least until race day, but right now i'm going to the gym at the college, where the pool is currently closed for construction.

Now to figure out whether or not i need a wet suit, helmet, and heart rate monitor (which is probably maybe, yes, and yes). i almost definitely need to get a swim cap, goggles, and new suit.

last night... SDP W1D2 / TriTraining W1D2

2009-04-08T12:30:00.001-06:00

This day had been sooo weird. My first two classes of the day were canceled. i'm petsitting for a friend of my mother's again (for free, but hey, she has satellite and the house is quiet). i'm so ready for my third day of triathlon training.

So yes, i am taking the plunge and starting to train for my first triathlon, the Highline Hustle Sprint Triathlon at Highline Lake June 13. The distances are swim 500m, bike 16 mi., and run 3 mi., in that order; there are new exercise tickers at the bottom of my blog to reflect my new goals. The good news: my running is already where it needs to be on race day, and i don't think i'll have that much trouble coming up to speed on my biking and swimming. The bad news: i thought i had eleven weeks to train, but i only have ten because the race has been moved up a week compared to last year to (i had thought the race was June 20th). i'm using TriNewbies 10 Week Sprint Distance Program - Beginner (which is actually ten weeks of training and then an easy eleventh week before the race) for my training, and will just have to combine week 1 and 2, but as i said, i'm already there physically and the running in their program is a big step back for me. So as far as my running i'm going to finish out week 9 of Cto5k and then start doing some shorter intervals (probably 5-10 minutes in length) and possibly some speed drills. So i have a lot of work ahead of me, workouts five days a week, serious bike riding for the first time ever, and serious swimming for the first time in about ten years (wow, it's hard to believe it's been that long). i plan to swim 200 yards this afternoon and bike 8 miles Sat. or Sun. (at the moment i'm on Thur. even though it's only Wed... it will probably be better for me to work out on Sundays once AWANA ends for the year, but right now that's a better day off for me than Mondays).

Bad thing about petsitting... the case of Coca-Cola in the fridge and abundance of junk food in the house. Good thing about petsitting... built in work out partners.

Cto5k W9D1

2009-04-06T15:55:00.002-06:00

So last night i couldn't sleep, and was up late trying to work on a paper for school. i mean i was up really late, like until 4am. i eventually decided to sleep in and forget school for the day, i've been in a weird head zone over the past week. Anyway, i slept until around 11am, had yogurt and frozen fruit and grilled cheese for lunch, and ran about 2.8 miles. On the way out i felt great, pushed myself all the way up that hill for the first time, and then promptly grew bored on the way back down said hill. i paused in the usual places (i.e. the catttleguards), and paused at the top of that hill, too. i think i didn't have enough energy to really focus on my form for the last half of the run, i didn't feel tired or anything, just unmotivated. The second time at the cattleguard i was the slightest bit dizzy, and i had to force myself to finish the end of the run, again not because i felt too tired, but because i had to concentrate just to keep moving. i should have eaten more this morning.

Anyways, i'm considering running in a 5k in May and starting to work towards a triathlon in June... which means i need to start training this week. i should be fine as far as the running, it's the swimming and bicycling that i need to focus on mostly. So tomorrow i might just be going for a bike ride... i'm not sure yet. Unfortunately, my left ear bud went out today; i've been considering buying an mp3 player designed for running with (and maybe even swimming with).

Right now i think i'll eat again and then maybe do some yoga.

2009-04-03T16:40:00.000-06:00

i don't have a single friend in the world anymore, just my twisted perceptions that feel so right and yet so wrong all at the same time.

Cto5k W8 Complete!

2009-04-03T16:15:00.001-06:00

Ugh, i don't feel good today, though oddly i was overeager to run. My first two laps i ran too fast, and my muscles didn't like it. i didn't get any cramps, but my legs were tight, so i had to pause and stretch once, and paused to drink more than usual (which added to the length of my workout time, because i would pause the music and drink water walking back and forth, then resume my run). Not my strongest finish, but i'm excited to run 30 minutes straight come Monday. i'm sooo glad that it's the weekend, but am not looking forward to work tomorrow. Incidentally, i used the track in the indoor gym for the first time (because i wanted to run, not use the elliptical, but it's too wet outside), and as predicted i didn't like it. 13.7 laps = 1 mi., so i had trouble keeping track of my laps, and i'm not sure that i counted them right.

The good news that i have to report... i lost 3 pounds! /woot

Cto5k W8D1 + 2

2009-04-01T18:00:00.001-06:00

i actually started week 8 Tuesday a week ago, and never got around to updating MapMyRun until today. The weather was nasty so i stuck to the gym and didn't push myself on the elliptical trainer. Then i discovered that i've gained a pound. ):

Today i hit the road despite cool temperatures and light snow. It was the best run i've ever had; i pushed it today and ran .4 miles farther than i had ever gone on this road before... right up a hill. i need to be running more often, but it's so frustrating to not see any results at all after six month on the scale: i've only lost 5 pounds, and am still wearing the same clothing. i don't know how to find time to run more, it's really frustrating.

what a weird night

2009-03-30T10:40:00.002-06:00

i couldn't sleep last night (until almost four), and i didn't remember until this morning that i could register for classes (seniors today, juniors tomorrow, etc.). Luckily none of my classes were full (like they'd fill up that fast), but it took me a little time to figure out which ones i needed to register (i had done that a month ago but apparently never saved the info to my flash drive, which is confusing, because i thought i had done it in the computer lab at school). So my class rundown for the upcoming fall is as follows:

ENGL 492 Seminar in Writing (work on my portfolio and focus on my specialty = fiction)
ENGL 421 Introduction to Literary Theory and Criticism
ENGL 381 Creative Writing: Fiction
(as i'm sure i've written in the past, i need two of these focused writing classes, but only one is being offered next semester; i hope to take Character & Narrative or Poetry next spring. i could take Expository and Persuasive Writing next semester instead, but that is geared towards writing non-fiction)
ENGL 296 Topics:Sci-Fi Fantasy (pretty self explanatory, as this is the genre i plan to write novels in)
KINA 168 Hatha Yoga & Relaxation I (because i'm stressed, and it schedules in gym time for me for the first half of the semester, and i'm curious)

On Friday i heard James Van Pelt and Jonathan Safran Foer speak at the Mesa State Writers Conference. It's really for high schoolers that may be applying at MSC next fall, but i found Van Pelt to be particularly inspiring (i was there to hear Foer). He's a sci fi writer that teaches English at Fruita High. The short story (or exerpt) he read was interesting and spoke volumes about him being a public school teacher. But what impacted me the most is the fact that he said if one writes 200 words a day then one can write a normal length novel in about a year and a half. Two hundred words a day is nothing, it's like half a page. i need to set aside time to write every day.

Unfortunately i will be in class five days a week again next semester and i doubt that my job at Hobby Lobby will be conducive with that.

so frustrating

2009-03-30T00:56:00.000-06:00

i only ran one day last week, and it was on the elliptical. i have been so stressed out lately, so short on time, that i don't feel i can even make the time to workout, and it's both disheartening and beyond my full capacity to care about. i gained another pound last week. i'm working so hard and i gained a pound. Sure, it would be great to workout 3, 4, or 5 days a week, and i really am glad that i seem to be losing fat on my stomach, but is it too much to ask to drop in weight a bit?

So, as a result of being disheartened, i ate fast food a couple of times last week, which of course only contributes to the problem. i am so sick of fat and wish that i could just get under 200.

by and by spare a sigh

2009-03-26T00:27:00.005-06:00

i... edited this for Creative Writing. Everyone brought three poems to class, cut them up into lines, mixed them up, and made poems. i really like how mine turned out for the most part. The poems that i brought were now does our world descend and when faces called flowers float out of the ground... by e.e. cummings and Parkour by Tenshinoshin on DeviantArt. It was hard to pick only three poems. This version includes links to all the original poems (it took me about an hour to google all of them).

by & by, nor spare a sigh

now does our world descend
for all debts public and private,
intact despite agitation;
Ever unreeling them--ever tirelessly speeding them.
who rushed like lions to the roaring slaughter
turned upon themselves
And flaming brains are the white heart of all.

It is the blight man was born for,
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
stands on the grave of dreams
and die into the dirt.
Now shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
when in eternal lines to time thou grow'st.

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
the band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light.
for the caged bird sings of Freedom,
Claspa rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels named.
thy sons acclaim your glorious name
and you've heard
Over your obstacles, your rules
(now the mountains are dancing, the mountains)
Stay! though the woods are quiet.

Startled at the stillness
and, gleaming in the maelstrom,
And be one traveler, long I stood
once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
I set the controls, I pioneer
as a woman takes up her needles
and her yarn. Let evening come.

i cannot believe that i used lines from the Raven three times (after rejecting three times as many Raven lines, actually) and the Road Not Taken only once. The last poem seems pretty apt to me on several levels: i just read A Tale of Two Cities in Brit Lit a few weeks ago, i'm a knitter, and personally trying to believe:

Let it come, as it will, and don't
be afraid. God does not leave us
comfortless, so let evening come.

never save anything for the swim back (Vincent, in Gattaca)

2009-03-23T10:28:00.001-06:00

Should be studying for my Brit Lit midterm but i can't really bring myself to care. i wrote Brad a couple of days ago, again last night, and feel torn about re-opening channels with him. i feel like i'm being dumb, but it's what a small piece of me has always wanted... to get a happy ending with him. The irony is that i am actually seeing the possibility of some life choices that probably would not be compatible with being with him (perhaps anyone). Even talking about this is stupid, i don't even know that he's interested or worth pursuing. i'm just remembering what it was like to start getting to know him, when i realized that i could be happy with a simple life on a farm, with giving up my dreams of being an actress. i have no overwhelming desire for fame for its own sake, or riches to squander; i just feel the overwhelming need to write, and any excess that i find myself blessed with would go to those less fortunate than myself.

i'm so tired, i guess i probably always just saw Brad as an out, a rescue, a knight in shining armor if ever i had such delusions, but then... he never seemed to want to fit that bill.

i've been thinking

2009-03-20T18:18:00.002-06:00

It's not really fair of me to try to label Brad's feelings when he isn't capable of or chooses not to express them to me. Unfortunately, he is the only boyfriend i've ever had, and our relationship was not exactly a conventional one. i lack the experience to handle the complexities of our interactions in a wise manner. It really puts me at a disadvantage when someone who is five years younger than me has more relationship experience than i have yet still chooses to act like a child. Still, it is not as if i am completely innocent in the matter, seeing how i threw myself at him when he was sending exponential signals that he wasn't even really interested.

This is why all i have ever wanted is to have a relationship with one man that is the right man for me, marry him, and not have to waste my time on the dating game. i don't believe in the war of the sexes and will never be able to do well at it had i wanted to participate in the first place.

drained... and stuck in my head

2009-03-20T11:51:00.002-06:00

Well there was finally an e-mail today from the people who organized the 9 12 Project meetup, and they have been working on a website, so that is a relief. There is so much i wanted to write about yesterday afternoon while i was at work, so much that i heard on the radio that i wanted to respond to. i hardly recognize this country anymore.

Today i am exhausted, and don't remember or care to write about any of it. i'm so ready for the weekend, but of course even the weekend doesn't bring any rest. i've been praying, but then that doesn't bring any answers either.

Lately i have been thinking about Brad. For a while there was nothing i could think of to endear myself to him, there was nothing that i liked about him anymore. Now i don't know, i hardly remember what it was like to talk to him face to face. We had a lot of problems, there were a lot of things that i didn't like about our relationship that i couldn't change, and i don't want to be in a relationship where i want to change the man i'm with. But i would be lying if i said that i never loved him, that i do not still love him. i've been listening to a lot of music from while we were together, right after we separated, and i can still feel that. To be perfectly honest i don't know what to do about it. A part of me wants to reconnect with him, to try to patch things up, because i still love him, but i have a feeling that it would never work. i don't think that he loves me, he is closed off. The way he treated me is not the way a person treats someone that they love.

i have been abandoned quite literally, first by him, now by my sister and online "friends." i feel like i am getting nowhere in WoW, the leaders of the guild never schedule raids when i can be online, i'm now working an extra day a week, so instead of things getting easier they're getting even harder. i cannot keep doing this, i cannot sustain this. i don't know what to choose for my research paper for American Lit, i don't know how to do all my homework while i'm working, i can't find time to get on WoW, i don't get enough sleep, i don't have the time or energy to run, my life is a mess.

Brad used me; whenever he got drunk he would get depressed and come unload on Megan or me. i'm not saying that i don't care about what he's going through, but in the same token i have never been allowed to share what my needs are because he would just shut me down and ignore me. Every time i hear about how he's doing, he's still acting childish, he still seems to want to use me instead of share a life or even friendship. i can dream of what could have been, but rationally i have no reason to believe that such a future is even possible.

i keep thinking about Evanescence's Lithium: she sings about trying not to forget how she found herself when she was in the dark, how she doesn't want to let go of that as she gets "healthy." A perfect picture of my relationship with Brad is their song "Call Me When You're Sober." But when i listen to Ingrid Michaelson's "Die Alone," the lyrics say "don't be a fool girl ~ tell him you love him ~ don't be a fool girl ~ you're not above him," and i'm wondering if i'm just being a fool, if i'm too proud to forgive him for how he hurt me. i want to forgive him, even though he did the unthinkable. i don't know if that says more about me in terms of mercy or pure desperation.

Then there's the song i heard on K-Love earlier this week: "why are you looking for love ~ why are you still searching as if I'm not enough ~ to where will you go child ~ tell me where will you run ~ to where will you run." It's hard for me to listen to the mockery contained in a lyric like that; i fully believe it even while it's not apparent or "true" in my own life. i don't know how to look for / run to God anymore, i don't know how to pray to Him, because i never get any response. i have to be honest in my prayers, or i get a niggling of guilt, and i would rather "cover my hand with my mouth" than continue begging Him to respond.

In spiritual terms, i am not running anywhere, i cannot even get off the ground. i alternate between prostrating myself on the ground before Him and trying to crawl in the direction i think He must be. But what do i know? When it's pitch black because you're blind and utterly silent because you're deaf and you're in the midst of sensory deprivation then what do you have to go on? Spiritually that is where i am, for all i know i am caged, or falling through an abyss, because i might as well be when He does not respond or lead. He doesn't fulfill the promises He gave in the Bible, but maybe i shouldn't assume that those promises are meant for me, maybe they are only meant for the people He gave them to. i don't dwell on these things, because i don't want to be angry at God, i don't want to be blasphemous in my truth, i don't have the luxury of collapsing under the burden i carry, with no relief in sight, and i don't have the luxury of sitting back and waiting for Him to rescue me. A part of me wonders what the point of waiting is after a decade, whether He ever will come back to me (i always have felt in a sense like this is a sick, twisted version of the prodigal son)... but then i have to remember that i'm nothing without Him, that i can't do this on my own, and that's the entire reason my entire life has been so bad for the past decade, where all my tries have failed.

So what's the point of trying at all? Of course, what am i going to do, wander around in the desert like John the Baptist or run from coast to coast like Forest Gump? i don't ignore my life like that. We are meant to strive, we are meant to pursue, if i cease to do that then i cease to be. i don't know if i have already been destroyed in the fire, that's the way it feels, as if i have been melted away with the dross, but i have to have faith that God knows what He's doing in my life.

"Anything is better than to be alone"... she sings about forgiveness. i came to that a long time ago, i'm not mad anymore. Yet coming to what seems like it would be a life-shattering and -changing choice has changed nothing at all. i'm still in the same place. i never reach decisions or realizations that change everything. And i wonder if it's as simple as in the song Lithium, if i can just choose to let go of the darkness, of course she also singing about only knowing herself in the dark. And a part of me would rather have the dark, and a place where i can be honest with myself, than all the superficial things that i am striving for. i'd rather have spiritual and emotional truth than an empty life that is "successful." i like myself the way i am, angry about corrupt politicians, striving to make myself a better person, desperately wanting to fly in the face of authority but restraining myself as to not offend.

It's so funny, i'm always trying not to offend other people and no one gives a care about offending me... they do it all the time unapologetically. People treat me like something stuck on the bottom of their shoe, are rude, and it's construed as my fault, my problem. i keep remembering what my mother told me as a child, that it's rude to tell someone that they're being rude... Why is that? Wouldn't it be better to be honest, to call them out on their utter b.s., than to put up with it?

Succumbing to politics because the example fits: on Boortz this morning was a former adviser of Margaret Thatcher's, Christopher Monckton. He was talking about Global Warming, how Al Gore won't respond to his challenge to a debate, how the thermometers that are monitoring the huge "rise" in temperatures are purposefully positioned next to manmade machines and urban developments that will artificially raise the temperature, how the scientists have manipulated the figures from decades ago in order to make their findings appear legit. These scientists are perpetrating a gigantic hoax for fame and glory. He has found 35 errors in An Inconvenient Truth. So, are Boortz and Monckton wrong to call these people liars? That's what they are, and so many people believe them.

i think that one of the biggest problems with out country right now is that the people who know the truth are silenced. It isn't socially acceptable to be the voice of dissent, to not be politically correct, and as a result so many people are simply ignorant of the truth. Take that video i posted yesterday: with everything that Congress has done in this year alone, how are we not marching to DC right now? It's insanity. We're letting them get away with things that are illegal. What are we going to do about it? Anyway, that's what i'be been trying to figure out.

What would Thomas Paine say?

2009-03-19T11:11:00.000-06:00

judge rules against homeschooling mother in NC

2009-03-19T11:00:00.001-06:00

Heard about this the day before yesterday on the Glenn Beck program as i recall. Immediately felt sick, about on the same level of nausea that i experienced while my professor was covering a Modest Proposal last semester.

So, the short version is that a mother is getting divorced because her husband committed adultery repeatedly and that she homeschools her three children. Her ex-husband doesn't like the fact that she uses the Bible and teaches creationism, and guess what, neither does the judge. Two of the children test at two grade levels above their current grade, the third is testing fine at his or her own grade level, the judge wants them to be socialized (even though they socialize with other homeschoolers) and for their spiritual beliefs to be challenged. And of course the judge was appointed by a Democrat and is pushing his own agenda even though it's illegal.

three news articles:
NC Judge Orders Mom to Send Homeschoolers to Public School for Exposure to "Real World"
Wake judge orders home schoolers into public classrooms
NC Judge Orders Homeschool Mother to Put Kids in Public School

a blog written by a friend of the mother:
Homeschool Injustice

overwhelmed...

2009-03-17T12:47:00.002-06:00

Spring break was heinous. One of the cashiers had a death in the family and i was expected to work full time... i had a ton of homework (most of it didn't get done) and the worst allergies that i've ever experienced in my entire life. On Friday i went to the local We Surround Them meetup, which i have mixed feelings about. i was not very inspired by the show, though it was nice to see other people that feel the same way i do about where this country is going (for the most part). However, i feel let down that nothing has happened yet. People talked about meeting once a month, starting small groups and growing, getting in touch electronically somehow... nothing has happened so far as i can tell. It's hard for me to reconcile that it's been less than a week after all i've been through the past few days and all the Obama administration is doing to destroy this country.

Last week, i started taking a new allergy medication, which made me hyper for two days, and then i eventually crashed, which made me a bit depressed. i'm doing a bit better now, but it has been a very foggy week. i am excited about several things that i'm considering pursuing, but realistically i am having a hard time getting up on time, getting to class, do the work, etc. i am soooo ready to quit work... and school really. It's just so hard. Once again, work seems more counterproductive than helpful, and school mostly seems that way, too. i feel like my entire life has been stalled by the expectation / necessity for me to work pointless jobs and get a degree. i'm not progressing at work, i'm not happy, i don't have time to pursue the things i love, the things that matter. It's the same thing in school, i mostly feel as if i am not learning anything worthwhile and that absolutely no one that is there would agree with my political beliefs. i want to connect with other students, i want to do something, but i have no idea how to do that. i am hard pressed to stay on task enough to get good grades, must confess that i am not wholeheartedly throwing myself into my work, am trying to just skate by, because--once again--what we're covering in class seems pointless. i am surrounded by opposing views constantly and not allowed to respond, everything i say in Brit Lit is "wrong" (this from the teacher who claims in his syllabus that there are no wrong answers), American Lit is liberal, Creative Writing (while i love the teacher) is below my level, busy work, simply a prerequisite, and Brit Rom feels very shallow and disjointed.

If i were to quit school i would be in debt, have to start paying within six months, and still have no prospects for a better job. i don't have the time to write or create anything valuable, anything marketable, anything worthwhile, and that seems like a cop out (i should be doing so much better), but it's so very true. i do not know how to cope, let alone thrive. i am so tired of trying so hard and getting nowhere. i don't know what to do, i am still stuck in the same place that i was in ten years ago, and i've fought really hard. What is the point in trying if you get nowhere? Not that i can give up, but it's very discouraging. Even in a level mood i sound so depressed lol.

i'm so sick of qqing / complaining but have no idea how to find solutions. Nothing is in my control, i am at the mercy of things around me that are out for my failure. i am a backwards capitalist, i don't care about making a lot of money or being rich, i just want to support myself (comfortably preferably, but getting by on my own two feet would be a welcome start), i have no means of doing so. i feel as if i am at a dead end before i have even started (still in the cage as it were). i should be doing homework, gah.

Lifeless Change (response 2 for US Lit 2)

2009-03-05T09:20:00.000-07:00

William Carlos Williams was a working doctor (Baym 832), which would leave one to believe that he thinks more analytically than many other artists, but of course that meshed well with the Modern period he was writing in, which sought: “order, sequence, and unity in works of art” (712). As a doctor, “the sickness and suffering he saw…entered into his poetry” (833); undoubtedly he would have seen a lot of death in his line of work and because average life expectancy was shorter at the beginning of his career than at the end of his life. However, he also saw a lot of life and new beginnings: as a pediatrician “he delivered more than two thousand babies” (832). Though his poems are not autobiographical (833), no one can write poetry without bringing something of their life to the work: some of Williams’ poems tend to be dark, while others look at the world with almost an innocent point of view.

“The Young Housewife” focuses on a young woman whose life has a dubious conclusion. The poem does not rhyme, is composed of twelve lines in three stanzas of varying lengths, and is incredibly short. More questions are asked than answered here. The poem contains elements of “the mixed belittlement-adoration accorded [women] by men” (832): the narrator seems to be in awe of her “shy, uncorseted, tucking in / stray ends of hair” (Williams 833) and simultaneously have a macabre view of her. The driver “compare[s] her to a fallen leaf” (833) and then runs over leaves. Upon my first reading I was left feeling slightly shocked: did he run over her? Was the bow of his head a sign of respect or was he feeling murderous as he “pass[ed] smiling” (834)? I read this poem to my mother and a sister and they had the same interpretation. There isn’t an answer to these questions within the poem itself: they are open ended. In one moment the narrator appears to be respectful, and in the next he is thoughtlessly running over the leaves (or her). Even if he isn’t committing vehicular manslaughter he has just compared her to something that he doesn’t hesitate to crush, perhaps Williams only meant this as a juxtaposition of his musings. It seems fairly clear, however, that any driver in 1916 most likely would have disapproved of a young woman running around in her nightgown to see men at the front door, especially at ten in the morning, but the line “then again she comes to the curb” (833) makes it seem that she does this often and that he likes to drive by for the show, which makes him sound even more menacing because he didn’t just thoughtlessly run over her, he’s been stalking her.

“Spring and All” runs like one long run on sentence and is the longest assigned poem of Williams’. Once again, there is no rhyme scheme, as seems to be common for this poet. The beginning starts off very dreary; it is obvious that winter is holding on, and everything has a whisper of death upon it, from the “contagious hospital” to the “small trees / with dead, brown leaves under them / leafless vines” (836). The transition comes in the middle of the poem, in lines 14-15 when “Lifeless in appearance, sluggish / dazed spring approaches” (836). Suddenly the dreariness and despair is broken with new hope. Lines 16-18 bring to mind the fact that he is a doctor that delivered babies when he wrote: “They enter the new world naked, / cold, uncertain of all / save that they enter” (836). Upon first reading this poem was confusing and seemed dark, owing to the bleakly descriptive words Williams used, but the stanzas break it up for the reader so as not to overwhelm, and the poem ends on a very positive note with terminology that reinforces the temporal nature of winter in the life cycle of a plant: “the profound change / has come upon them: rooted, they / grip down and begin to awaken” (836).

“The Red Wheelbarrow” is very short: only eight lines. It has no punctuation or capitalization, which immediately puts me in mind of e.e. cummings. The subject of this poem is very every day, not depressing at all, and could seem dull, but his word play holds the reader’s interest. Each stanza is composed of two lines, the first line being three words long, with a thought completed by the one word on the second line. The entire poem could be considered to be one sentence, short and simple, but the arrangement of the words causes the reader to pause and consider. “So much depends upon a red wheelbarrow” just does not read the same way, the line breaks are part of the poem’s meaning.

“This Is Just to Say” reads like a note that a husband would leave for his wife. I had to laugh, and read it to my mother: she said she would be annoyed with my father if he left her a note like that. Once again, Williams uses carefully placed line breaks, and no punctuation, though the first letter of stanzas one and three are capitalized because they begin the poem’s two apparent sentences. Interestingly, the narrator writes “forgive me” but does not seem to be very repentant (839); his concluding observation, “they were delicious / so sweet / and so cold,” rather seems to be rubbing in the fact that he enjoyed the fruit alone (839).

To Williams, “rhythm within the line, and linking one line to another, was the heart of the poetic craft” (Baym 833); that concept is clear in all four of these poems. One of these poems reflects on nature, but he did not use the same methods that the Naturalists did, he wrote with a different voice entirely that is thoughtful and sometimes confusing. He saw the world in a different way than his predecessors, and so he wrote about it in a different way as well. He was living in a time in which questions didn’t always have answers, and this comes through in his writing. It is my opinion that, whether he was writing about the simple or the abstract, he was very successful at finding the rhythm at the heart and linking it to the reader.

Cto5k W7D3... complete!

2009-03-04T16:24:00.002-07:00

So on Monday i ran in front of the house, and it really took it out of me. i forgot how hard it is to run on hills and gravel (no matter how small those hills are). i was so knocked out, i had to stop and walk for a minute at the halfway point, and barely finished the run. i felt really weak afterward, like i had just climbed out of a pool after swimming for hours. i'm not entirely sure how accurate the map is at MapMyRun.com is for this route: surely it's longer than the 1.5 miles it claims i ran yesterday. i need to drive it to double check the distance.

Tuesday i was so sore; i could feel it every time i tried to sit up straighter in my desk in class or had to kneel down to get a paper bag at work.

The high yesterday was 72, today it's 69 and the windiest conditions that i've run in for quite a while. i woke up with a sore throat and slight cough, almost overslept, and am still a little sore. i wanted to push to 9 laps today, for 2.7 miles, but i didn't make it. i ran 8 laps for 2.4 mi., pausing at the end of 3 and 6 for a couple of gulps of water. It was really hard today, partly because of the heat, partially because i was running directly against the wind half of the time. Even though i had the pauses Monday and today i plan to move on to week 8 and try to stick to the track. So on Friday i'll start week 8, on which the forecast calls for cooler weather.

i plan on buying allergy stuff on Friday. Over the past week i had a sinus headache on and off, not my worst by any means, but certainly over my longest stretch ever. Yesterday during my work lunch (around 4:40 p.m.) i bought a 20oz. Coca-Cola at BigLots and my headache immediately went away. i drank part then and part after work and my headache has no signs of returning. i've always suspected that drinking Coke made me feel better and has pain killing properties, but it's kind of crazy for it to be proved to be the case. i hadn't had a Coke in a loooooonnnnnnggggg time.

i have to write a paper for U.S. Lit. tonight, we're having a party for Polly, and of course there's Lost. i still haven't been able to fix my computer, but i'm still working on it... i'm not the most computer literate person in the world.

oh yeah

2009-03-03T11:37:00.001-07:00

Now i remember, the semester is almost half over. Hooray!

first paper back finally

2009-03-03T00:27:00.002-07:00

This semester is a bit different in that i am only writing rough drafts thus far in Creative Writing and only got my first response paper back in US Lit today. i got an A-; i cannot post the paper right now because my only copy is saved on the my computer and it won't boot. i think i may have finally figured out a way to fix the problem, but until i can there's no way for me to boot my computer. i think it's time for me to start saving for a new computer but that is probably going to take me a while. i really need to be able to use my computer for school.

In other news, i'm really sore from my run yesterday. i'm not used to running on hilly pavement and gravel, the track at Stocker Stadium has definitely made me soft. i'm not running often enough, but i get so tired and feel so bleh so often. i've had a headache on and off for the past week, i think my allergies are acting up already, but i'm not sure what to take for them. i had really weird dreams last night, Brad was running half naked around a house that was a mix of Megan's and Bard House and i had just had a baby boy who was huge, already wearing glasses, and talking. Incidentally, had we actually had sex and i had gotten pregnant, i would probably be due very soon. i have no idea where the dream came from really, other than pain.

i can hardly wait until spring break (next week) when i'll finally be able to actually sleep as long as my body wants to. The house will be quiet, i have homework to catch up on, the bad thing is that Daylight Savings will be starting (stupid lying Congress, wasting energy by failing to repeal stupid laws).

i meant to say something else, but i can't remember what it was... hoping to finish Cto5k W7 tomorrow though.

i have a couple of bones to pick

2009-02-21T23:07:00.001-07:00

So first off... if you're paying less than $3 a loaf for bread, chances are high that you're eating high fructose corn syrup. Even if the bread is trying to pass itself off as wheat and healthy, it's really not: it's going to have bleached flower and HFCS. One must pay at least $4 a loaf to get bread that has honey or sugar in it instead of HFCS. My biggest concern is that i don't want to pay $4 a loaf and discover that the wheat or 7-grain that i just purchased tastes like cardboard and makes me want to spit it out and let the whole loaf mold so i can feel all right about throwing it out. This is a waste of my precious time and money.

Secondly, i came home, and saw the end of Ironman, and it was meh. i plan to watch it but right now i'm just too mad because i got on WoW and was invited to Naxx where we merely wiped repeatedly on the same boss for an hour. And a friend promised to tank some heroics for me but he wouldn't stop complaining about his new slutty gf. So i'm trying to tell him to stop asking out slutty girls and he won't listen to me. He decides instead to get off WoW, after leaving me hanging for half an hour, and continue to try to call his gf, who is talking on her phone to another guy.

Anyway, it occurs to me while i'm watching Ironman that Stan Lee totally ripped off Robert Heinlein. i mention in guild chat that i didn't like the movie Starship Troopers because of the gratuitous boob shots and the fact that the grunts were all supposed to be wearing outfits just like in Ironman. No one says "good point" or "that would have been awesome... an entire army of Ironmen fighting bugs." No, the new guildees that suddenly appeared while i was taking time off because i was tired of being the only person that was on (save one or two others that don't even talk to me), says "What's wrong with T&A?" And the friend who's complaining about his slutty gf says it's okay for girls to be sluts if they want to. Then he complains about how hard it is to be a virgin because all of his friends aren't and tease him about it. What an idiot.

i am so tired of trying to have fun and just getting mad and depressed.

Cto5k W6D3 Complete!

2009-02-13T14:23:00.000-07:00

I'm sure there are those of you who are wondering what happened to my Tuesday workout. Well, to be perfectly honest, i wasn't feeling well, and it seemed more important to blog and then get to work on time. i wasn't exactly sure why i felt less than at my best: i mean, i still had energy, but i have had a runny nose and frog in my throat on and off for weeks (that i attribute to the cold weather and running in it). But at work i could tell that my back was more sensitive than usual and i just felt... meh.

On Thursday it was still cold, too cold for me to feel comfortable to running outside at least (i like it to be in the 40s at the lowest), so i headed to the gym again. The workout was twenty-five minutes straight (wow, i was thinking it was twenty!), and i felt like i was taking it easy for a change, but i kept my heartrate on target or a little below, and finished the workout feeling good. In fact, i ran 2.6 miles for the first time ever! i definitely feel like i'm making progress when it comes to how long i can run, and the distance is rising, but i still feel like i'm running at a snail's pace.

The discouraging thing is... i gained a pound. Now, per my Tuesday experience and the surprise that i got that night (early being the operative word here), i'm hoping that i am experiencing PQS (that is to say, Pasta Queen Syndrome, as archived here, here, and here, as well as in other entries, i'm sure) and will next week discover that i magically weigh 230, but i'm not going to hold my breath. The nice thing that i have discovered is that i'm getting my bubble butt back. No, i will never have a perfectly round toosh like Megan used to (pre-Alice and Joshua) and Katie does, but i am noticing a nice lift and rounding out due to the increased size and strength of my glutes, especially right after a run (before my muscles have started to relax again). To be perfectly honest, i had a hard time keeping my hands off after discovering this yesterday, it's really nice to discover, and it is progress... i haven't had a nice bum since i was doing Tae Bo six days a week.

So, um, better stamina, better fitting clothes, but still in the same clothes, and still no decrease on the scale numbers. ): Maybe next week?