my New Year's resolutions for 2009

i don't usually do New Year's resolutions. My general mentality is that if something in your life is worth changing, there's no point in holding off for the new year to come around. However, this year, i am ever increasingly mindful of the fact that i am still single and the big 30 is just around the corner. i know, i'm only 27, and i have three years left, but what if i'm never married? Am i always going to be waiting to try things after i'm married? Is everything important going to be forever delegated to the realm of "once i get my own place"? i don't know if i will ever be able to afford my own home, not when i have dead end jobs now and student loans to pay after i graduate (hopefully in May 2010). i can't keep waiting for my life to begin, yet that's all i have been doing for as long as i can remember. It's time for something to change, to get to my goal #15 at 43 Things - stop procrastinating and get organized!. So, in this vein, i actually have some New Year's resolutions to make.

1 - get rid of clutter and get organized

i know this will not be cheap, to get storage in the form of Rubbermaids or baskets, but it needs to be done. Cardboard boxes that are falling apart are cluttering up my walkways; they aren't pleasant to look at or trip over. i have too much stuff, i want to simplify, and working at a place like Hobby Lobby it has become painfully obvious to me how much money people spend on junk that they really don't need. Sure, sometimes the junk is pretty (sometimes it's soooo not), but it's still not necessary. i live in a really small space, i don't need to fill it with things that i don't need anymore, and i don't want my space to be a mess.

2 - live conscientiously

Okay, part of my problem with fulfilling resolution #1 is where am i going to find the time? In a couple of weeks i'll be going to school full time, and i may have a part time job at the same time. i'm not even sure i can handle that workload, let alone feel like i have a life or have time for relaxation. The trouble is that when i get home i am exhausted and want nothing more than to fall into bed and play WoW or watch a tv show/movie, etc. There's not necessarily anything wrong with those things, but it contributes to my mess when all i do is toss stuff down anywhere. When clothes come out of the dryer, i need to fold them and put them away immediately. When i drop something, i need to pick it up. Everything needs to have a place and i need to put it there so i can find it, not lose it or damage it. So no more letting things slide because i'm tired (/sigh).

But there's other aspects to this goal, as well. i'm going to be talking about them a lot in this blog. For one thing, i'm sick of just following everyone else and not thinking through my actions. Do i really need to be bringing home/using plastic bags? Should i be drinking water out of little plastic bottles? i want to start conserving and Re-Using, and there's no point in putting it off any longer.

3 - live healthy... and hopefully lose weight

i.e. ban high fructose corn syrup from my diet (this means Coca-Cola, among other things) and cut back my portions and intake of unhealthy foods (such as those that are fatty, fried, and meat, which i eat entirely too much of ). For the past couple of weeks i've been eating fast food nearly every time i go to work, gradually gaining back the ten pounds i lost when running three times a week this fall. i need to lose weight, perhaps not to get a perfect body, but to at least get below 200 pounds. But even if i don't see results--ever--i still need to keep running, keep moving, keep making smart choices for my body. It would be easy to just give up, keep drinking Coke every day of my life, but i'm not going to do that. Just because i feel like a failure when it comes to my body doesn't make i can give up.

4 - conquer my brown/black thumb and replace it with a green one

Growing my own food is something i've been wanting to try for a couple of years and would be healthier than always buying from the grocery store. i'm not sure i can compost here, because my dad feeds everything to the chickens and goats, but that is a goal that i have for the future.

i guess that's all i can think of right now, but this is all a work in progress. i'm sooo tired right now, i have many ideas floating around my head and even crammed in the back of my brain, but this is my beginning. Lets see where it goes from here....

finally

so i modified some of my goals because they were obtainable, that wasn’t the point: the point was to find 10 goals that i could accomplish. and i did. Will write more soon, but suffice it to say, i feel blessed.

See more progress on: make 10 reachable goals

finally did it!

i had been procrastinating (who knows why, i sure don’t) but i’ve finally got four paintings up and more on the way.

http://roguefireangel.deviantart.com/

See more progress on: Make my Deviantart portfolio

nearly completed!

i got my bond title in the mail today! Now all i have to do is go to the DMV and hand in all of the paperwork. Unfortunately i will probably have to wait until Friday when i get my financial aid check. Anyways, its almost finished with and out of the way… which is such a relief.

See more progress on: bond and title my car

update

So sorry, i meant to write days ago. The day after my last post i discovered that what i needed to do was a title bond through an insurance company. No one in town would do it for me because i am not a client, so i called my auto insurance and am using the company they are associated with. The bond cost $100, a lot more than the lady at the DMV told me it would and twice as much as i was expecting to pay. It hasn’t cleared my account yet, but i they told me that it should arrive within 5-10 days. It’s my understanding that after that i can register my car and put plates on it. After a few more things to fix it up i should be able to start driving it every day for work! i’m really excited as i think my car will be better for my job (better gas mileage, etc.)... it will be nice to have my own car again after two years! i’ve grown tired of driving my parents’ Tracker even if i will miss driving shift.

See more progress on: bond and title my car

i just read an article

It was about playing video games to lose weight and was very motivational. This total computer geek lost weight doing Dance Dance Revolution, driving programs powered by a stationary bike, and other exercise games. It gave me a hankering to do DDR again, which i used to do at least an hour every day using my roommates Playstation. i found a website with free dance software and found out that you can get a dance pad for your pc so hopefully i will be able to do this soon. Anything to start moving again!

See more progress on: start exercising regularly again

slow progress

So yesterday i bought a new battery (the old one was dead, dead, dead). Wal-Mart only had one for my car that cost over $60! So i went to AutoZone and bought the second cheapest at $45 (the cheapest was out of stock at $30). The car started up right away as soon as i put the battery in and ran fine today.

Today i found out that i had to go to the sheriff dept. to pay for my VIN inspection but that it was only $10 (i had been told $20). So a deputy came out to the house at 3 p.m. and was like “you have to have a title” but he did the inspection and said that he did not think it would be a help but to go to the DMV for verification. Little does he know that the DMV was who told me this was what i needed.

Around 4 p.m. i arrived at the nearest car dealer looking for a Retail Appraisal but guess what… the Appraiser had just left for the day! So in a little while we will be leaving for Tucson for a stay with my uncle and hopefully i will be able to get the appraisal next Tuesday or Wednesday. After that all i need is a surety bond! Hopefully i will be able to drive my car right away as i start my new job the next day, but she (at the DMV) did not say how long it would be before i can register my car and get plates on it.

Still, it is progress!

See more progress on: bond and title my car

a little progress...

So, i’ve now purchased a small tent, a battery powered lantern (i would have liked to go with the rechargeable batteries but it was beyond my budget… so i went with the cheap $.97 for two. i don’t know if they’ll last as long, but until i get a higher cash flow, they’ll have to do), an air mattress, and a fishing pole. All of this stuff can be used for camping, but most of it is good emergency gear, too. i don’t need an air mattress, but i can no longer comfortably sleep on the ground. A fishing pole is important if you need to catch your supper, but right now will be for recreational purposes. i think that it’s important to be able to live off the land if you need to. i meant to go camping last week into this week, but things didn’t work out, so now i’m working on “bond and title my car” this week instead of “learn how to fish”. Next purchases: a camp stove (unless my father has one i can have, which he might) and a new sleeping bag (my old one is not big enough and is well used).

See more progress on: survive an end of the world disaster

i thought i had done this...

when i got a new job in April, but it turned out to the worst job i have ever had. i wanted to work part time, they scheduled me full time. i had to stay up all night to finish writing a paper. i don’t know what i was thinking ever marking this goal as done because i had an inkling that this job was going to be a bust when i took it. Maybe i should have followed my gut… then they wouldn’t have been able to rip me off. But at least i’ve had a job for the past three months, right? Anyways, i’m really hoping for one job in particular, but so far they haven’t called me for an interview. i already gave notice, so i really need this, but i’m just trusting God to get me through this because i can’t do this on my own.

See more progress on: Get a job that I enjoy and get paid what I am worth

yes!

Both of my title search letters came back and it didn’t even take 6-8 weeks!!! so next i need the inspection and estimate of value, but alas i have no money until Friday because i had to pay my stinkin’ car insurance (“oh, you don’t need to make a payment this month, but did we mention IF YOU DON’T NEXT MONTH WE’LL CANCEL YOU!” and they raised my obligatory monthly payment… figures). So this time next week hopefully it will be bonded! hurray!

See more progress on: bond and title my car

don't be envious, but...

this has never been hard for me, even though i’m fat it’s a stretch i can always pull off. What i sometimes have to work towards a bit is feet together, hands flat on the floor. If i couldn’t touch my toes it would be really wierd.

See more progress on: be able to touch my toes

goal 9

Lose 30 pounds… completed! i can’t believe it, i don’t feel any different. i think i owe this to my new job because i stand for ten hours (well, i get to sit when there are no customers, but on a crate without a back). i’m taking out heavy garbage (which i just started to notice didn’t seem as heavy to me anymore), sweeping and mopping, and carrying buckets of windshield washer fluid mix. So i’ve finally got past the twenty-five pound hump, which is amazing to me! Praise God.

See more progress on: make 10 reachable goals

finally taking the plunge

i have been wanting to leave my parents’ church for a while now. i got forcibly removed from the college S.s. class because the teacher said that i was (and had always been) argumentative and was chasing people away. Over a year later the only new class members they have are kids who have moved up from youth and i the one person who did leave the class told my sister it was because the class was boring. During the whole fiasco my pastor didn’t help, he only called my mother and asked her if she knew that i am a “troubled youth.” i’m twenty-four years old for crying out loud!

The music has improved since i moved back and began attending again but i don’t feel comfortable getting involved in the program. Every time i’ve tried it doesn’t work out or i feel uncomfortable and stifled.

It also really bothers me how the AWANA program is not backed by the church body: we’re considered a nuisance and annoying, etc., and don’t receive support, only resistance.

The most important thing for me to look for is a place where the Word is being taught in Church and Sunday school. It really annoys me when a sermon is based on one verse and isn’t about what the Bible says so much as it’s about what the minister thinks about the subject. My pastor’s sermons are boring, difficult to follow, and devoid of God’s opinion. i want to find a place where i can really get into God’s Word and be encouraged by fellow believers.

See more progress on: find a new church

wow

i have been trying to work up the courage to do this for over a week now and finally just took the plunge. It was last night’s episode of Lost that did it for me: they said “if you want to change, just change” so i snuck the family clippers to my room, spread out a sheet, set it for 1/4”, and did it. My hair is so dark and thick! Hopefully i’ll be able to get some pics up soon. It feels weird and will definitely take a little getting used to! The funny thing is that i’ve been hot all week and last night it was raining so when i woke up it was cold, the coldest its been in a couple of weeks. Just my luck, right?

See more progress on: shave my head

worked on the scene today

In my acting class i’m doing a scene with two other young women. We asked our teacher to watch our scene outside of class and he sort of jumped all over me. In the scene i’m in an arguement with one girl and she is really quiet and i’m supposed to be telling her to shut up… which totally wasn’t working. Well i felt like i couldn’t let go and yell at her because i was totally overpowering her, but he said the burden is totally on me and basically that i need to stop messing around, making excuses, and go for it. My other scene partner (who has the least to do) said she’s been trying to tell me the same thing. Man, why can’t people just come out and say things without jumping all over me? I’m trying really hard and feel like i’m getting nowhere. I think i can act, but i don’t know if he was so hard on me because he believes that, too, or if i just stink at it. I hate the way it makes me feel to be yelled at like that, too, and i messed up some of my lines in front of him (that i have been trying soooo hard to nail), which he was mad about, too. I don’t know whether to love him or hate him sometimes.

See more progress on: be an actress

i don't even remember how i found 43 Things...

...but i’ve really enjoyed it. People encourage me in ways that i’ve needed a lot lately, and posting her has helped me focus on my goals and loving myself the way i am. I think i’m going to stick with it and (hopefully) watch my dreams unfold.

See more progress on: Try out 43 Things

burnt out

I've gotten to one of those places where i'm so tired that i don't want to try anymore. I'm not depressed, i'm just fed up and discouraged. And yet i don't really feel anything anymore. I've been trying really hard to make things work since school started; i don't know how i'm holding on, but i am. College is stressful because most teachers act like their class is the only one you're taking. The professors in the acting department have unreasonable demands; their excuse? "That's the way it is in real life," and in the real industry. So perpetuating a cycle that you didn't start is a valid excuse now?

I know that i'm being negative and i don't want to be. I don't want to curse anymore, either. Every day i'm surrounded by it, so i've gotten used to it, but i don't want to compromise anymore. I want to be pure, and have more faith, and love. I want to change the industry and i can't do that if i compromise. I don't know how to be anybody else though. I don't know how to be the woman God wants me to be or who God wants me to be.

At church this week the pastor said if you take one step to God He'll meet you but i don't know how to take a step towards God anymore. Where's God? I can't find Him. I know that i don't have enough faith, i don't know how this could be true and there can still be a God, but when i talk to God i don't hear Him answer, when i cry out for help i don't feel Him comforting me. I know that my life could be a lot worse from a physical standpoint but to me there can be nothing worse because i don't have Him anymore. I know He's here with me, i know Satan is lying to me, but at the same time... Why doesn't He show me His will? Why doesn't He show me how to be more like Him? It feels like He's trying to push me away, that He doesn't care, but i know that isn't true... and yet it is.

I didn't let go of God, but i can't find Him either. I can't run towards Him because i don't know where He is. I can't take a step because it's like i'm in a cage that i can't escape. I know God can save me, i know He can unlock the bars, i know He can be the wind beneath my wings, so why won't He do those things? What have i done wrong? I didn't do some heinous sin, i've always tried to live my life for Him and do everything He wants. So what am i doing wrong?

I hate going in circles like this. I'm trying to be strong, hang in there, all the same stuff, but i've been doing this a long time: six years, nine months, twenty-three days. How long do i have to wait? I don't feel like i'm growing patience, i feel like i'm dying. I want to be like God, i want to display the fruit of the Spirit, and instead i'm failing.

On 43 Things someone commented today that i shouldn't be in a hurry to marry and have kids. She said i'm in the best days of my life, that i should be making money and advancing a career, that she envies me. She says i should also take two years to get to know a man before i marry him (great, just what i need, more wait). But all those things she says i could do (backpacking, going out for drinks on a whim, etc.) i can't do because i'm poor. I don't want a career; i want to get married and have kids and raise them in the Lord. Forget doing the career thing, that's not what i want (i want to have it all but it seems impossible, so i'd rather just have the family). The only reason i want to act is because God told me that it's what He wants me to do.

Still, i know i'm looking for a guy for the wrong reasons right now, i'm looking for comfort and security and passion that i'm not finding in God anymore. So that's why i'm not in a relationship. A man can't solve my problems. That's also the reason i'm not sure i should go into the military. I love my country, would die for it if need be, but the real reason i would be doing it is financial security and that is not relying on God.

The simple truth is that there's nothing i can do on my own. I'm helpless. I've tried everything. Trying to do more will be a waste of time if God still wants me where i am, down and dependent on Him while He's doing whatever He's doing (i'm obviously not in on it). And i hate this. I want to be happy, i want to be full of life, i want to be content with where God has put me, but how can i be when He's absent?

Depression is a waste of time. I don't know how to pray any harder or any more. I can't fully describe what i'm going through without using foul language so i'll sign off.

goals and prayer requests

i joined 43 things today (well, yesterday now). i'm not sure that i like it very well. i'm thinking about starting a new blog with prayer requests and goals; i haven't decided yet.

Praise: i've got an awesome snowboard (even if there is a hang up with the bindings).
Request: i would love to be able to buy the Suzuki V-Strom DL-650 in blue. It reportedly gets 50 mpg. Plus it's a pretty motorcycle that i think i could handle (unlike the DL-1000, which i've been pining after for a couple of years now).