what i'm watching ~ Larry-Boy and the Fib from Outer Space
We arrived in Savannah in the wee hours of Sunday morning. Megan slept a few hours, then went to church with Joshua, while Alice and i had a lie in. The last hour of driving Megan was at the wheel and though i was trying to stay awake to talk to her so she could stay awake it was proving impossible. i kept falling asleep mid sentence. After church we went grocery shopping at Wal-Mart (as the fridge was empty) and vegged out for the rest of the day. i went online to see if any of the local tv stations were hiring for a position i could fill, but none in Savannah were.
On Monday Alice had a doctor's appointment and had to wait an extra hour for her shots. It felt like we were there for over four hours, but it was probably closer to three. Next we went to the fabric/craft stores: JoAnn's is hiring seasonal help, but i also picked up aps at Hancock Fabrics and Michaels. We stopped at the mall and i found out which stores are hiring via customer service. By this time we were hungry and tired, so we went home and i spent an hour filling out my applications. i saw that Macaroni Grill was hiring on the list, that they wanted applicants to come in on Wednesday from 2-5, so we decided that we would go job hunting again that day.
On Tuesday Megan went to work and all went well until the final half hour when Joshua got very fussy and i ran out of breast milk. Most of the time he is happy playing or swinging. Alice cries for Megan at first but otherwise is pretty happy as long as i feed her on time and she gets her nap. She likes to watch PBS and VeggieTales and isn't happy when i turn off the tv.
On Wednesday we got a late start, not leaving the house until around noon. Megan picked up her perscription sunglasses and then we headed off to Hancock Fabrics. i talked to the manager for a couple of minutes and it sounds like she would like to hire me in a couple of weeks (she's training someone else at the moment but knows she needs to hire another). At Michaels and JoAnn's it was basically a drop off: i wanted to talk to the manager at JoAnn's but she was too busy. At the Macaroni Grill the hostess told me they were hurting for hosts so if i put that on my ap then i would probably be hired for sure. The only downside i can see to a job at the Macaroni Grill is that employees are supposed to stand 100% of the time they're at work, and that can be exhausting if you don't have the right shoes. We then ventured into the mall, Megan doing some shopping and i picking up applications. i filled out an app at Gymboree and picked up about five or six more, one for a great little place called Torrid (i believe) where there's only plus sizes and its got great clothes (the sizes are 1, 2, etc. for 1X, 2X). i miss working at a mall, i had a blast working at Wherehouse, and didn't get depressed at all, even when Megan said that she doesn't want to go to Charleston this weekend for American Idol auditions. A bummer i guess, but i was never going to hold my breath about it, and what am i going to do without a car or gas money? i need a job, quick!
Today Megan's at work again, and she will be again on Saturday most likely. Joshua was sitting up yesterday (i got pics, but they're not uploaded yet) and today had some rice cereal but is currently fighting zzzzs. He doesn't want the swing at the moment so we're laying on Mommy's/Megan's bed.
Savannah has been so hot (the upper 90's) and very humid so we've only ventured out in it one night, and it was still horrid. i fell off my longboard skateboard for the first time and have been a little sore but no bruises or abrasions. Give me September so the mosquitoes will die, cool weather will ease in, and i'll have cash again.
Showing posts with label american idol. Show all posts
Showing posts with label american idol. Show all posts
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Friday, July 06, 2007
American Idol auditions
Well some prelimenary info is finally up for the newest round of American Idol auditions, and they'll be in Atlanta on August 14 and in Charleston August 18. So i have two chances to go this year, as i'll almost definitely be in Savannah in August.
American Idol auditions are a tricky thing for me. There was one year i thought about going and then decided not to try out, two years where i wanted to go quite badly and couldn't make it, and last year i didn't even pay attention to it. i've been told several times from different sources over the past five years that i should audition on the show. i've been singing in choirs for a long time, and don't know if that is what i want to spend the rest of my life singing professionally, but it could be a great opportunity for me as a career platform. Somehow i've always felt / known in the back of my mind that season seven would be the year for me, and here it is, season seven. When i was applying at Full Sail i knew that it would mean missing American Idol auditions, or at least conflict with being on the show were i to be accepted, so in the back of my mind i have felt pretty certain that if Full Sail fell through that American Idol auditions would be my next goal.
My voice is not at its strongest right now: i haven't been in a choir for over a year now, i just haven't had the time. This week i've been trying to sing more, a little bit every day, building my voice back up. i need to start doing warmups again, like we did in Mrs. Niles' class, if i'm going to be serious about this. More than anything i need to leave this up to God and in His hands. But i have always known that i love to sing, that people enjoy my voice, and that if i'm doing it for God then He will use the gift He gave me to His own glory.
Something that really bothers me about the music industry today is how fake people are when they're singing on late night tv shows or on shows like Today and GMA. They're dressed in a certain way, groomed in a certain way, everything is choreographed, and everything rarely seems genuine. i don't want to be that as a performer. i know that God is going to use me to change the world, and it's not going to be of my own power, it's going to be using the methods He chooses. i can't change to world, i don't have the power, i don't have any idea what needs to be done, i have no right to assume that i have all the answers, but i've known for as long as i can remember that He would use me because i am open to Him.
Something that i have been struggling with a lot lately is surrendering everything to Him. i always feel like i have, i tell Him over and over that everything i have and am and ever will be is His, but then He points out an area where it isn't really true. i don't know how to give up on the dream of getting married and having children; i would give up everything for these two dreams to come true, everything and anything. Being an actress, writer, singer, director, those are not my biggest goals; wife and mother is my biggest heart's cry, but i don't know that it's in God's will anymore. There was a time when i was sure He would give those things to me, but now i don't know. So i'm trying to reconcile the possibility of always being alone (in a sense of being single), childless or barren, a virgin. Yes, i will not throw my virginity away, but that doesn't make it easy at all. It's hard to give up these dreams when they were wired into me before i have memory and are what i believe every woman is called to be.
Some other things that i don't know how to deal with is my anger, impatience, and helplessness. i don't know how to be stronger. i know that i can't do anything without God, but somehow i feel that He's expecting more of me, strength and faith that i cannot give because of my feelngs of betrayal and anger. Everything around me lies to me that He doesn't care, that nothing in my life will ever get better. It's been so long that i believe the lies more than i believe God, even though i know full well that they're lies.
Watching the newest Pirates of the Caribbean speaks to me with its concept of waiting ten years for one day together, and i believe in the sanctity and purity and strength of love, and as much as i love God i don't think that i can wait ten years for Him, especially if it's only for one day. The music from that movie, the track entitled One Day, speaks to my very soul, is part of my being, as if it was known before it was heard. i cling to the last hope that i will always be faithful to God, that i would wait ten years if that is what it would take, even while knowing that i have failed Him, that i cannot wait ten years and do not want to. This seventh year in the dark night of the soul has been one of shame for me because i have practically given up on seeking Him. His Word promises that if we take one step towards Him then He will run to us, but i do not know which direction to take that step in, i have wandered aimlessly, searching with all that is in me, and He does not answer in a way that i can hear, He does not run to me, He still stands apart, watching me from afar. This feels like a betrayal of the worst kind because i have striven to give up everything that He has asked of me. i cannot give up Him, but at the same time i already have, i cannot keep wandering, i have no strength left, so i wait, and i pray from time to time, but it hurts too much to give as much as i know i should and wish i could. Still i cling to the hope that my one day will come despite the fact that i hardly know how to hope anymore.
Hand in hand with these issues are my anger and impatience: i'm mad at God for His silence, because i'm single, because i'm still a virgin, because i'm not a mother, because my life stinks, because i am doing nothing to changing the world. i have tried telling myself that the world isn't ready, my future husband isn't ready, i cannot support a child, but over the months and days i have begun to wonder if it is me who isn't ready. i don't know what to do, i don't know who and what God wants me to be, but i do know that i don't want to have this anger and impatience in my life, i don't want to pass it down to my children as it was passed to me, and i feel helpless to change it. i don't feel the same way towards my father as i once did, i think i've finally forgiven him and seen some of the good qualities in him that i couldn't before, but i feel powerless when it comes to breaking the cycle. i get annoyed when playing video games and the controls don't respond as i feel they should, when driving behind or around slowpokes and crazy drivers, when the kids get too loud and i have a headache or am overtired. i don't want to embody the negative qualities of my parents. Glenn Beck was talking about this a few days ago, he said that we have to replace those behaviours / attitudes / actions with new ones or we'll simply do what we were brought up observing. So what do i replace the negative with? i need to figure this out before i start repeating the mistakes, not afterwards. i don't know how to do this.
i've become selfish, not entirely in a bad way, but in some ways definitely. i'm tired of letting people take advantage of me, but i'm not sure how God wants me to act, to stand against injustice or turn the other cheek. Jesus did both things within His lifetime, what is His will for each situation? Is it always the same? i see so many things wrong with the country, the church, the list goes on, but am i supposed to be the one to bring change or let it go? What is it that God wants me to do??? i would be happy being the wife of the man who brings change, the mother of the person who brings change (though i don't think there's enough time left for that), the production assistant of that person, the friend of them, who am i to assume that it will be me? But i think it is me, i keep wondering if i will be a prophet, if i have enough faith to perform miracles as the disciples did, what it is that God wants me to do. It's not about me, it's about my willingness to be sent, to do His will, to do something that others may not be willing to do. i am willing to die for Him, the question is if i have enough strength and faith to live for Him. But i don't know the answers, i am still a work in progress.
American Idol auditions are a tricky thing for me. There was one year i thought about going and then decided not to try out, two years where i wanted to go quite badly and couldn't make it, and last year i didn't even pay attention to it. i've been told several times from different sources over the past five years that i should audition on the show. i've been singing in choirs for a long time, and don't know if that is what i want to spend the rest of my life singing professionally, but it could be a great opportunity for me as a career platform. Somehow i've always felt / known in the back of my mind that season seven would be the year for me, and here it is, season seven. When i was applying at Full Sail i knew that it would mean missing American Idol auditions, or at least conflict with being on the show were i to be accepted, so in the back of my mind i have felt pretty certain that if Full Sail fell through that American Idol auditions would be my next goal.
My voice is not at its strongest right now: i haven't been in a choir for over a year now, i just haven't had the time. This week i've been trying to sing more, a little bit every day, building my voice back up. i need to start doing warmups again, like we did in Mrs. Niles' class, if i'm going to be serious about this. More than anything i need to leave this up to God and in His hands. But i have always known that i love to sing, that people enjoy my voice, and that if i'm doing it for God then He will use the gift He gave me to His own glory.
Something that really bothers me about the music industry today is how fake people are when they're singing on late night tv shows or on shows like Today and GMA. They're dressed in a certain way, groomed in a certain way, everything is choreographed, and everything rarely seems genuine. i don't want to be that as a performer. i know that God is going to use me to change the world, and it's not going to be of my own power, it's going to be using the methods He chooses. i can't change to world, i don't have the power, i don't have any idea what needs to be done, i have no right to assume that i have all the answers, but i've known for as long as i can remember that He would use me because i am open to Him.
Something that i have been struggling with a lot lately is surrendering everything to Him. i always feel like i have, i tell Him over and over that everything i have and am and ever will be is His, but then He points out an area where it isn't really true. i don't know how to give up on the dream of getting married and having children; i would give up everything for these two dreams to come true, everything and anything. Being an actress, writer, singer, director, those are not my biggest goals; wife and mother is my biggest heart's cry, but i don't know that it's in God's will anymore. There was a time when i was sure He would give those things to me, but now i don't know. So i'm trying to reconcile the possibility of always being alone (in a sense of being single), childless or barren, a virgin. Yes, i will not throw my virginity away, but that doesn't make it easy at all. It's hard to give up these dreams when they were wired into me before i have memory and are what i believe every woman is called to be.
Some other things that i don't know how to deal with is my anger, impatience, and helplessness. i don't know how to be stronger. i know that i can't do anything without God, but somehow i feel that He's expecting more of me, strength and faith that i cannot give because of my feelngs of betrayal and anger. Everything around me lies to me that He doesn't care, that nothing in my life will ever get better. It's been so long that i believe the lies more than i believe God, even though i know full well that they're lies.
Watching the newest Pirates of the Caribbean speaks to me with its concept of waiting ten years for one day together, and i believe in the sanctity and purity and strength of love, and as much as i love God i don't think that i can wait ten years for Him, especially if it's only for one day. The music from that movie, the track entitled One Day, speaks to my very soul, is part of my being, as if it was known before it was heard. i cling to the last hope that i will always be faithful to God, that i would wait ten years if that is what it would take, even while knowing that i have failed Him, that i cannot wait ten years and do not want to. This seventh year in the dark night of the soul has been one of shame for me because i have practically given up on seeking Him. His Word promises that if we take one step towards Him then He will run to us, but i do not know which direction to take that step in, i have wandered aimlessly, searching with all that is in me, and He does not answer in a way that i can hear, He does not run to me, He still stands apart, watching me from afar. This feels like a betrayal of the worst kind because i have striven to give up everything that He has asked of me. i cannot give up Him, but at the same time i already have, i cannot keep wandering, i have no strength left, so i wait, and i pray from time to time, but it hurts too much to give as much as i know i should and wish i could. Still i cling to the hope that my one day will come despite the fact that i hardly know how to hope anymore.
Hand in hand with these issues are my anger and impatience: i'm mad at God for His silence, because i'm single, because i'm still a virgin, because i'm not a mother, because my life stinks, because i am doing nothing to changing the world. i have tried telling myself that the world isn't ready, my future husband isn't ready, i cannot support a child, but over the months and days i have begun to wonder if it is me who isn't ready. i don't know what to do, i don't know who and what God wants me to be, but i do know that i don't want to have this anger and impatience in my life, i don't want to pass it down to my children as it was passed to me, and i feel helpless to change it. i don't feel the same way towards my father as i once did, i think i've finally forgiven him and seen some of the good qualities in him that i couldn't before, but i feel powerless when it comes to breaking the cycle. i get annoyed when playing video games and the controls don't respond as i feel they should, when driving behind or around slowpokes and crazy drivers, when the kids get too loud and i have a headache or am overtired. i don't want to embody the negative qualities of my parents. Glenn Beck was talking about this a few days ago, he said that we have to replace those behaviours / attitudes / actions with new ones or we'll simply do what we were brought up observing. So what do i replace the negative with? i need to figure this out before i start repeating the mistakes, not afterwards. i don't know how to do this.
i've become selfish, not entirely in a bad way, but in some ways definitely. i'm tired of letting people take advantage of me, but i'm not sure how God wants me to act, to stand against injustice or turn the other cheek. Jesus did both things within His lifetime, what is His will for each situation? Is it always the same? i see so many things wrong with the country, the church, the list goes on, but am i supposed to be the one to bring change or let it go? What is it that God wants me to do??? i would be happy being the wife of the man who brings change, the mother of the person who brings change (though i don't think there's enough time left for that), the production assistant of that person, the friend of them, who am i to assume that it will be me? But i think it is me, i keep wondering if i will be a prophet, if i have enough faith to perform miracles as the disciples did, what it is that God wants me to do. It's not about me, it's about my willingness to be sent, to do His will, to do something that others may not be willing to do. i am willing to die for Him, the question is if i have enough strength and faith to live for Him. But i don't know the answers, i am still a work in progress.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
this weekend
Well, no sooner do i decide to ditch Dracula auditions and go to Denver for the American Idol variety when i find out that i don't get paid for another week (i thought i was going to get paid this friday). So i'm stuck here without money for gas, food, etc. So i guess i am going to be auditioning for Dracula after all.
I'm not that disappointed. I prayed and asked God to show me His will and if He doesn't want me to go He doesn't want me to go. I'm not going to get all angsty. I'm in a pretty good mood because i was listening to my discman at practice and then found out that i'm going to be paid more than i thought i was going to get. If i save i should be able to get a new computer before Christmas. That is definitely a plus.
I'm not that disappointed. I prayed and asked God to show me His will and if He doesn't want me to go He doesn't want me to go. I'm not going to get all angsty. I'm in a pretty good mood because i was listening to my discman at practice and then found out that i'm going to be paid more than i thought i was going to get. If i save i should be able to get a new computer before Christmas. That is definitely a plus.
Monday, September 05, 2005
avoidance
Okay, the subject i've been avoiding... Katrina. Well i knew from a penpal who lives near New Orleans that if a hurricane came they'd be in a bad way. But for some reason i can't muster up much emotion about it. I don't know why, i don't know what's wrong for me. My Mom points out that i was passionate enough about Schiavo. I'm glad people are trying to do so much to help but i'm upset by how skewed the media's coverage seems to be. There's nothing i can do about the situation and so i've avoided thinking, talking, or writing about it.
I still haven't decided whether to spend next weekend in Denver for American Idol or here auditioning for Dracula. I haven't been able to confirm that the show is coming here.
Since talking about my EW dream and having a long and exhausting weekend i've gotten a bit down about the whole lack of friends/boyfriend thing. There are several classmates that i enjoy conversing with (BP in particular, if you're reading!) but no prospective husbands as far as i can tell. Maybe i should just suck it up and try to go to Biola next year: surely i could find someone there? But right now i'm trying not to spiral into whining mode. I only want to audition for American Idol if God wants me to, i only want to date if God wants me to, i only want to attend the elusive Church 4.0 at MSC if He wants me to, and if He doesn't want me to do those things right now then i should just accept it.
I'm sick of just sucking things up and taking it, though: i want to be free to be who (i feel) God wants me to be and if someone doesn't approve it's their problem! I don't want to offend people but i'm sick of being limited by worrying about what others think. I only want to worry about what God thinks. Is there something wrong about that? I know that we're supposed to be conscientous about how we appear to those who are new Christians or who are being witnessed to but what kind of a witness is it to cave into anyone when it comes to serving God? I'm sick of getting in situations where i'm miserable because i defer to the judgement of others. They don't have to live with the decisions i make, why do i have to let them make the decisions that i want to be making for myself?
It's hard living with your family after you've become an adult because they just don't get it. I've paid my aunt back but she begrudges the fact that i'm not paying rent to my parents even though i'm living in my grandparents' trailer and they refuse to charge me rent! My Mom is mad because i read/watch Harry Potter and am "corrupting" her children. It's horrible to have this stuff hanging over me all the time. My conscience is clear, i've made an informed decision that's different than hers, why can't she just get over it? I still don't understand why she will only take the word of strangers who are lying over mine. It hurts.
I'm just wading through a lot of stuff right now. I'm too wrapped up in my own problems to worry about anyone else. I know that's bad, but i'm alone and broken, so what can i do? I'm a fool, but i'm trying to do the right thing. Hopefully my next post will make more sense.
I still haven't decided whether to spend next weekend in Denver for American Idol or here auditioning for Dracula. I haven't been able to confirm that the show is coming here.
Since talking about my EW dream and having a long and exhausting weekend i've gotten a bit down about the whole lack of friends/boyfriend thing. There are several classmates that i enjoy conversing with (BP in particular, if you're reading!) but no prospective husbands as far as i can tell. Maybe i should just suck it up and try to go to Biola next year: surely i could find someone there? But right now i'm trying not to spiral into whining mode. I only want to audition for American Idol if God wants me to, i only want to date if God wants me to, i only want to attend the elusive Church 4.0 at MSC if He wants me to, and if He doesn't want me to do those things right now then i should just accept it.
I'm sick of just sucking things up and taking it, though: i want to be free to be who (i feel) God wants me to be and if someone doesn't approve it's their problem! I don't want to offend people but i'm sick of being limited by worrying about what others think. I only want to worry about what God thinks. Is there something wrong about that? I know that we're supposed to be conscientous about how we appear to those who are new Christians or who are being witnessed to but what kind of a witness is it to cave into anyone when it comes to serving God? I'm sick of getting in situations where i'm miserable because i defer to the judgement of others. They don't have to live with the decisions i make, why do i have to let them make the decisions that i want to be making for myself?
It's hard living with your family after you've become an adult because they just don't get it. I've paid my aunt back but she begrudges the fact that i'm not paying rent to my parents even though i'm living in my grandparents' trailer and they refuse to charge me rent! My Mom is mad because i read/watch Harry Potter and am "corrupting" her children. It's horrible to have this stuff hanging over me all the time. My conscience is clear, i've made an informed decision that's different than hers, why can't she just get over it? I still don't understand why she will only take the word of strangers who are lying over mine. It hurts.
I'm just wading through a lot of stuff right now. I'm too wrapped up in my own problems to worry about anyone else. I know that's bad, but i'm alone and broken, so what can i do? I'm a fool, but i'm trying to do the right thing. Hopefully my next post will make more sense.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
back to school rundown
Well, Friday the 19th i got what was left of my scholarship money and felt rich... for a few hours. My books cost $400 this semester (the past two they've only cost $300-350) and i owed people money and needed to buy some other supplies so it was gone by noon. I'm really happy with the shoes i got: genuine leather Sneaux skater sneaks on sale for $40 ($55-65 normally). Sneaux is pronounced "snow" and they look sweet; light grey with an orange logo on the side and two sets of laces (one pair grey, one pair orange, which i'm using right now). They're comfie except for working out, in which case they're not uncomfortable, they just feel weird.
Megan and i spent the weekend of the 20th and 21st in Denver at the Women of Faith conference. The room we got was pretty good and a great price. The traffic was terrible. The conference was okay but not the same or as good as the ones i've been to in the past. Sheila Walsh spoke to me the most strongly. Patsy Clairmont is still hilarious. I didn't enjoy Marilyn Meberg or Luci Swindoll as much as usual. It was very strange for me to listen to Avalon because Michael Passons isn't in the group anymore (i met him at Glorieta two summers and sang in choirs that he led).
My first week back at school was very stressful. I had hoped to work in the costume shop but there were no work study opportunities for the theater department listed on the website. I tried to get a job videotaping the football team at practices and was successful. I originally thought i'd be working six days a week but it turns out i'm only working two to three. My classes are Health/Wellness (boring, mandatory, but only half semester), Physics (boring because of bad teacher), Acting I (good teacher), Women's Chorus (oddly enough we're really small this semester and i'm singing second soprano again; we're going to be singing in French, German, Hebrew, and Spanish), and Spanish I (which is going pretty well).
It's not bad but it is four days a week. I'm enjoying it mostly except for the weight of my backpack and the fact that i had two auditions last week (mandatory for my major) that went bad and okay respectively. I have to drop a class because if i am cast in anything rehearsals will be during that time. They expect us to drop everything and be at their beck and call Sun-Mon evenings (so the fact that i work in AWANA is held against me). The worst of it is that i hoped to make it to American Idol auditions in Denver and i have another mandatory audition that weekend and if i skip it my chances of being cast in West Side Story are probably zilch.
I've been looking for a beanie visor knitting pattern because i saw this cool hat at the PacSun outlet that is beyond my budget. I can't find a pattern for a beanie visor per say so i'm going to have to add the visor to a beanie pattern. I'm starting to get really excited about snowboard season and knitting some stuff to match my board. More on that to come!
Megan and i spent the weekend of the 20th and 21st in Denver at the Women of Faith conference. The room we got was pretty good and a great price. The traffic was terrible. The conference was okay but not the same or as good as the ones i've been to in the past. Sheila Walsh spoke to me the most strongly. Patsy Clairmont is still hilarious. I didn't enjoy Marilyn Meberg or Luci Swindoll as much as usual. It was very strange for me to listen to Avalon because Michael Passons isn't in the group anymore (i met him at Glorieta two summers and sang in choirs that he led).
My first week back at school was very stressful. I had hoped to work in the costume shop but there were no work study opportunities for the theater department listed on the website. I tried to get a job videotaping the football team at practices and was successful. I originally thought i'd be working six days a week but it turns out i'm only working two to three. My classes are Health/Wellness (boring, mandatory, but only half semester), Physics (boring because of bad teacher), Acting I (good teacher), Women's Chorus (oddly enough we're really small this semester and i'm singing second soprano again; we're going to be singing in French, German, Hebrew, and Spanish), and Spanish I (which is going pretty well).
It's not bad but it is four days a week. I'm enjoying it mostly except for the weight of my backpack and the fact that i had two auditions last week (mandatory for my major) that went bad and okay respectively. I have to drop a class because if i am cast in anything rehearsals will be during that time. They expect us to drop everything and be at their beck and call Sun-Mon evenings (so the fact that i work in AWANA is held against me). The worst of it is that i hoped to make it to American Idol auditions in Denver and i have another mandatory audition that weekend and if i skip it my chances of being cast in West Side Story are probably zilch.
I've been looking for a beanie visor knitting pattern because i saw this cool hat at the PacSun outlet that is beyond my budget. I can't find a pattern for a beanie visor per say so i'm going to have to add the visor to a beanie pattern. I'm starting to get really excited about snowboard season and knitting some stuff to match my board. More on that to come!
Friday, October 08, 2004
Things have changed a bit for me in the past twenty-four hours. I have been overwhelmed lately, not only with schoolwork but with the status of my spiritual life. I was mad at God: i knew i shouldn't be, but i was hurt because He hadn't let me go to American Idol auditions in Las Vegas. I didn't want to pray to God because i "knew" that no matter what i asked for He would only say "no" or "wait." My quiet time had fallen by the wayside because every time i read my Bible i felt only more depressed. I feel like Satan has been mocking me, telling me that God's promises don't come true, that my dreams are futile; he's been trying to convince me of this for a long time, and i was starting to believe him.
Last night i poured my heart out before God for the first time in a while. I admitted to Him that i needed forgiveness, that i have been stubborn. The reason i renamed this blog ember was because i felt my flame was almost gone. I feel so much love for God that it overwhelms me; trusting Him seems to me to be the biggest chance i can ever take. Yet i know that it's not a chance at all, that He's all i need. The trouble is that i feel unplugged from Him: i know that i'm not, but that's the way it seems. He's standing beside me but He's standing apart; He's right here, but i can't touch Him.
Today i rename this blog flicker. I read my Bible this morning and am going to start having a daily quiet time. I am so close to reading my Bible all the way through: my goal is to finish before the New Year. And yes, my sixth anniversary looms ahead, but i am trusting God to get me through this dark night of the soul, to put my heart back together again. I don't want to let Satan take control of my life, i'm going to start fighting back again. I appreciate everyone's prayers of support and ask that you please be patient with me: God's not through with me.
Last night i poured my heart out before God for the first time in a while. I admitted to Him that i needed forgiveness, that i have been stubborn. The reason i renamed this blog ember was because i felt my flame was almost gone. I feel so much love for God that it overwhelms me; trusting Him seems to me to be the biggest chance i can ever take. Yet i know that it's not a chance at all, that He's all i need. The trouble is that i feel unplugged from Him: i know that i'm not, but that's the way it seems. He's standing beside me but He's standing apart; He's right here, but i can't touch Him.
Today i rename this blog flicker. I read my Bible this morning and am going to start having a daily quiet time. I am so close to reading my Bible all the way through: my goal is to finish before the New Year. And yes, my sixth anniversary looms ahead, but i am trusting God to get me through this dark night of the soul, to put my heart back together again. I don't want to let Satan take control of my life, i'm going to start fighting back again. I appreciate everyone's prayers of support and ask that you please be patient with me: God's not through with me.
Thursday, October 07, 2004
Well i guess an update is in order. I have been very busy with school and have enjoyed my classes for the most part though i didn't get in all the ones i wanted to. Astronomy and Math have been disappointingly easy. English Composition has been boring and draining (it's an accelerated night class: i'm so glad i only have one more week). Mass Media and Women's Chorus have been surprisingly interesting. U.S. History is boring but informative. Guitar is a challenge.
I didn't get to attend American Idol auditions as i had hoped. I was able to get a student loan but haven't been able to find a job yet. I'm hoping to find a night job now that my night class is ending. I was sleeping better until i caught a cold that has taken me a while to shake. Spiritually i've felt drained, unplugged, and distressingly emotionless. I'm overwhelmed by the election and worried about the future. It's been hard to keep hoping but i'm endeavoring to continue to trust God. But Satan has been attacking me and i'm afraid that i'm not strong enough to stand up to him anymore. Still i'm trusting God no matter how foolish that makes me. I hope my life continues to look up as the year progresses.
I didn't get to attend American Idol auditions as i had hoped. I was able to get a student loan but haven't been able to find a job yet. I'm hoping to find a night job now that my night class is ending. I was sleeping better until i caught a cold that has taken me a while to shake. Spiritually i've felt drained, unplugged, and distressingly emotionless. I'm overwhelmed by the election and worried about the future. It's been hard to keep hoping but i'm endeavoring to continue to trust God. But Satan has been attacking me and i'm afraid that i'm not strong enough to stand up to him anymore. Still i'm trusting God no matter how foolish that makes me. I hope my life continues to look up as the year progresses.
Friday, March 12, 2004
I am SO upset that George Huff and Leah LaBelle made it to the final twelve over Suzy Vulaca on American Idol. She is the only one that i really really wanted to win. Why did i even let myself get involved in this show? It's just another burn from Fox!
As it is, i'm not really rooting for any of the final twelve, but i am glad that Jon Peter Lewis got to go on.
Suzy Vulaca Fan Web Site
As it is, i'm not really rooting for any of the final twelve, but i am glad that Jon Peter Lewis got to go on.
Suzy Vulaca Fan Web Site
Thursday, March 06, 2003
Okay, so i'm working today and for some reason the music that we're playing doesn't agree with me. I've heard the album before and liked it, but today i'm just not in the mood. I want to put on Meredith Brooks, but someone has bought the used copy, so i get out Britney Spears instead. A little while later i'm singing "Overprotected" while i work and this guy says "Wow, we've found the next American Idol." Then my coworker said that he liked my voice better than Sheryl Crow's when i was singing "Soak Up the Sun."
I considered trying out for American Idol before the first one was on (this was way back when Dark Angel was still on the air). There was no way for me to feasibly get to an audition location so i didn't do it, nor did i really think about it again (it just wasn't meant to be). When i saw the show i hated it and i haven't watched it since (which makes sense considering the fact that i'm boycotting Fox right now). I wouldn't mind being a professional singer, but i really don't take Kelly Clarkson seriously: why would i want to get my start like that?
The point is, even though i'll probably never sing professionally, compliments like that don't come that often (at least, not ones that seem genuine... little old deaf ladies at church never really counted to me). It made me feel good to hear someone say something so nice. I had a good day.
I considered trying out for American Idol before the first one was on (this was way back when Dark Angel was still on the air). There was no way for me to feasibly get to an audition location so i didn't do it, nor did i really think about it again (it just wasn't meant to be). When i saw the show i hated it and i haven't watched it since (which makes sense considering the fact that i'm boycotting Fox right now). I wouldn't mind being a professional singer, but i really don't take Kelly Clarkson seriously: why would i want to get my start like that?
The point is, even though i'll probably never sing professionally, compliments like that don't come that often (at least, not ones that seem genuine... little old deaf ladies at church never really counted to me). It made me feel good to hear someone say something so nice. I had a good day.
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