Yeah, i know i haven't been writing much again. I just get tired of having nothing to write about but complaints. I feel like such a whiner sometimes: i've said/written/prayed it all a million times (i'm aware of my hyperbole but it really feels that way). I don't think that there's anything wrong with feeling what i feel but i really need to stop being negative and start having hope again. The trouble is i don't know how to. So i stumble through prayers and remain silent here.

Am i really on fire anymore or even an ember? I just don't know. I've tried really hard, but even my sparks haven't caught on and so i'm just spent. I don't know what else to do. I've given up. I can't feel anymore, and that's really scary to me. I'm not even in the holiday spirit yet really and that's just unheard of for me because i love Christmas... It's my favorite holiday. I'm always begging for Christmas music way before Thanksgiving.

I was working really hard on Lumos Nox for a while, actually getting somewhere, and then i suddenly stopped and i don't really know why.

So often it feels as if the entire universe is against me. I don't like feeling this way. I don't like being a pessimist. I don't like being so busy and so emptied that i have no art left in me to give. Inspiration and idea smolders for lack of expression. My one solace has been a knitting project (someone's Christmas present): i've been trying to find a Harry Potter fanfic (one of the first i ever read) but despite my best efforts all i've found is junk. Christmas vacation and my six year anniversary looms before me but will i actually get anything done? I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to smolder. I want to be a dark fire. I don't know what to do.

my absence ~ NSU post #24

I didn't mean to take a break from blogging but i guess i ended up doing so. I've been really busy getting ready for finals. I guess i felt that the free time i had should be spent doing something besides ranting. (; Maybe during the Christmas break i'll have time to write more.

It is such a relief to me that Kerry didn't get elected as President of the United States of America. I think that the biggest reason i haven't mentioned the election results is because i got so burnt out on the political stuff. I got tired of the mud slinging and lies and really don't want to bequeath Kerry with much attention now that he lost. I'm recharging for my next campaign on this blog, too.

Below is one of the papers i wrote for my Mass Media class. We had to write a movie critique over Thanksgiving break. It was the first movie i had been to (in the theater) since the Village and Bourne Supremacy and i think it's about time for another review so "there you go" (to quote a spelling guru who was in a computer game my sis and i used to play). I have meant to review more films but as i said, i always feel pressed for time and as such forget it for more "important" things (that are very pressing in RL). Hopefully i'll do better next year.

Btw, Alias is returning with a two-hour event in January but will now be on Wednesdays. I am so relieved that Charlie (Dominic Monaghan) didn't die last night on Lost. I'm looking forward to the repeat of the pilot next Wednesday as i didn't see it due to VCR misprogramming (it was brand new and i hadn't read the manual! How was i to know that i had to push the T-Set button?).

Guess that's about it for now. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year (just in case i don't have a chance to say it later)!

Ugh. Turkey dinner at church last night (moved up to Tuesday from the usual Wednesday night service) was awful. We paid $4 for it and they didn't give us large enough servings. Only the kids got the mashed potatoes: i didn't particularly care for the sweet potato casserole (the adult alternative). The Pumpkin Pie was so nasty that i couldn't finish it (and i LOVE Pumpkin Pie!). It made me long for the free Thanksgiving Dinner at Bookcliff Baptist back home in Grand Junction, CO. Tomorrow's turkey dinner will be loads better and much more filling. (:

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Thursday: one week until Thanksgiving, twenty-six days until i see Return of the King, and an hour or so away from seeing my sister (she can't come down for Thanskgiving because she's working so she's visiting today and tomorrow instead). I spilled garlic spread all over my pants today at work. But i was in a really good mood all day; so good of a mood that i was getting on my boss' nerves, not to mention little Juanita's (there are two Juanitas at work, big Juanita and little Juanita). Looking forward to eating some Pumpkin Pie tonight (but i have to wait for the turkey and stuffing).