New Year's resolutions of a sort

i do not normally make New Year's resolutions: i figure that there is no point in putting off until the New Year to start improving upon something that needs fixing today. i've been fighting to fix things in my life for over a decade now, so this post is more of a State of the Lunacy speech. It's been an arduous journey, stumbling around in the dark trying to figure out the answers to questions that seem to have no answers, trying to figure out God's will when He has been so very silent. i'm sorry to say that i don't pursue God as keenly as i once did: i realized a long time ago that the harder i sought Him the more i fell apart when i didn't find Him. i used to blame Him for that, for my inability to find Him, because i was always taught that He would come running when i called. When that proved to not necessarily be the case, my whole life fell apart. Some people would call my opinions towards how God works to be sacrilegious, but i think that very often we take God's Word out of context. We're all stumbling around in the dark whether we realize it or not, and there's no way that any one person has all the answers while they're here on earth, otherwise what would be the point in continuing to live? If you aren't striving and learning then you're wasting precious life.

There were many things that i had to come to terms with in order to reach this point. My quarter life crisis hit me hard, and in many ways is still hitting me. i have no career. i have no relationship prospects. i had to get over Brad and then come to terms with the fact that i was willing to give him so very much that compromised parts of myself that i never wanted to compromise. Because i have no experience in dating or love i didn't realize what i was doing, i was completely blind. It didn't help matters that the man that i fell in love with turned out to be nothing like i thought he was and that i had been ignoring the small warning signs. i'm glad that i didn't end up with Brad now, but it took me a long time to reach this point, i still cannot say that i am entirely over him. It would be very hard for me to articulate just how very much i long to be in a marriage relationship, to not be alone, and where i have slid to as a result without losing all integrity. Yes, i am still a virgin, but i still feel sullied because of how much i gave emotionally and how much lust that i'm trying to deal with right now. i have no idea how to come to grips with my sexuality when i am single and trying to live a pure life, the entire "just ignore it" thing that the church has going on isn't helping me. i've also come to realize that i have some rather unrealistic expectations when it comes to marriage, that i've bought into the chick flick mentality a bit too much.

So my first two resolutions for this year are to more actively seek God again and surrender my lustful urges to Him in an attempt to confine them to His will and guidelines.

One of the most obvious external indicators of the changes that have happened in my life over the past year and a half is my body. It has taken me a very, very long time to come to grips with my weight. The truth is that i thought i was fat since i was about eight or nine, largely because that's what my peers told me and it seemed as if my mother thought she was fat. When i was Katie's age and size i hid my body and lived in humiliation because i did not understand what i had done to become fat or why i couldn't lose the weight. What i did not understand at the time was that i wasn't fat, my body just looked different than the ones i saw around me because i was athletic and big boned and more padded than the stick straight anorexic look that most people seem to go for these days. i would love to have my body from high school back again, but the little known truth is that our body's shape and size is not what determines our happiness. Our weight only has as much power as we give it, we don't have to be obsessed with losing those 10-15 pounds that we don't need to lose no matter how much society is screaming at us to do so. Is it more important to look like a model or be healthy?

i feel vastly healthier than i did after Brad and i broke up, which was at a point in my life where i was depressed and didn't care about taking care of my body. The ironic thing is that, my first big jump in weight gain, i was depressed but trying very hard to take care of my body, i just wasn't going about it in the right way. i have fought very hard not to gain more weight than i have. The things that i blame the most on my weight gain are depression and insomnia, even more than eating junk food or anything else, because i have almost always been active. i used to think that there was something wrong with my body because i didn't lose weight when i dieted and worked out. More sacrilege? Still, it's the truth. i'm starting to wonder if it's all the unnecessary chemicals and growth hormones that are in all the food at the local grocery store that have caused my body to not maintain a healthy weight.

So my next two resolutions are to reapply myself to eating less high fructose corn syrup, unnecessary chemicals--and instead buy natural and organic foods as much as possible--and to reapply myself to my training. i think i've finally come to a place where i am truly happy with my body but know that i have to keep fighting to lose more weight. i will never be the same size as Megan, and i'll probably never be the same size as Katie again, but maybe i can get below 200 pounds and get back into size 14 or 16 and just be healthy and happy. To that end i believe that i'll start training for Olympic length triathlons but only compete in Sprint length ones until i can improve my performance... say at least come in the top 75%! lol

My last three resolutions are to expand my social circle, write more, and balance my selfless and self-protective natures.

i have always felt a bit socially awkward, and to be honest playing WoW has exacerbated that. Throwing myself into the game, i thought i had a lot of friends, when in reality they were just nicer to me than most people are. There was no real connection or hold between us. Everything there has fallen apart time and again, and there's always two or three jerks that have to bring out the worst in me. One of the reasons that i didn't make a very good actress is because i was afraid to look bad: Emma Thompson and David Tennant have proven to me that the ugly parts of a person can make them all the more beautiful. i need to stop caring so much about what people say about me because very often they do it just to get a rise out of me and it makes me uglier than if i would have let it slide off my back.

So i'm quitting WoW, probably for good, and that was part of the deal i made with God when i decided to apply for the job at WoW.com: i have been considering leaving the game for a long time, and i promised Him that if i didn't get the job that i would finally quit the game. i want to try to make more friends my own age, or maybe just within my own interests. Let's face it, i am and have been and will always be a geek. Gaming will just become a smaller part of my life, just as it always was before i took up WoW. Now i will seek relationships based on shared faith, or interest in reading/writing, or in knitting, or in triathlons. Of course i also have two more semesters of school to get through, and a lot of what i can accomplish will depend on what my school-load is like.

i have been so grateful with my friendship with Katie these past few months. i also hate being sick, and cannot wait for this stupid cold to go away and the semester to start so i can start training again. i have several knitting projects that i'm looking forward to working on soon. i'm trying to make healthy choices and continue to grow as we enter a new decade... even though that decade technically doesn't begin until a year from now. (;

wow, i'm speechless

i just heard about this video this week, but apparently it came out inauguration week. The video is, quite frankly, awe inspiringly scary. i do not quite know how to respond. Yes, i have a pledge, but it is quite, quite different from theirs.

i have been incredibly busy with school, barely getting assignments done, working more than i should, spending more than i should, and wondering what in the world i have gotten myself into. This was supposed to be the easy semester, i have largely been trying to ignore politics because i just do not have the time to properly inform myself and mount a defense, but... wow. How am i supposed to remain silent to what is happening? i am quite literally terrified for my family, friends, and self... no, for everyone. i wonder if these people still believe that Obama is as saint-like as they make him out to be in this video. i wonder if it is too late to stop what is happening, to get the truth out.

How is a young woman supposed to fight the darkness, support herself, finish college, and take a cruise? i've been doing a lot of inner inspection on these issues. Who am i, how can i change things? On the other hand, how can i remain silent, how could i not be going to these townhall meetings and taking a stand? i am, quite honestly, utterly clueless about what i should do. Right now i'm trying to wade through 1984, i hardly have the time. How am i supposed to take on more?

Tri Training W5D1

It was a short run today, twenty minutes all together, two five minute intervals, and i actually ran more than i was "supposed" to. i edited the Podrunner Interval W5D1 podcast last night to fit the workout and even though the rest period was only a minute long it felt like forever. i was sure that i must have accidentally edited out the chimes that told me to start running again, so i did starting running again, probably about 45s into the rest! It was a short run, i'm not sure how far i went (i stayed on the road again, and by the time i had gotten back home didn't remember where my turn around point had been), but i'm sure that it must have been less than two miles.

Fitness finally seems to be catching on with the adults in the house / on the property! This week Aunt Polly started the Cto5k program and Mom and Dad joined the gym. Katie will be running in the Girls on the Run 5k with me on Saturday (i don't know if we'll stay together, but we'll both be there). i've been kind of wishing for a training partner lately, but even training alone i feel like exercise has become addicting! i constantly want to exercise more and have to pace myself so i won't get injured. i actually have a bruise right now that i have no idea where i got it (unless it was from when one of the dogs jumped on me last week, and if so it sure took it's time showing up) and my left forearm is sore. i just read that you're more likely to bruise the less fat you have; who knew?

Anyways, looking forward to my swim tomorrow.

first paper back finally

This semester is a bit different in that i am only writing rough drafts thus far in Creative Writing and only got my first response paper back in US Lit today. i got an A-; i cannot post the paper right now because my only copy is saved on the my computer and it won't boot. i think i may have finally figured out a way to fix the problem, but until i can there's no way for me to boot my computer. i think it's time for me to start saving for a new computer but that is probably going to take me a while. i really need to be able to use my computer for school.

In other news, i'm really sore from my run yesterday. i'm not used to running on hilly pavement and gravel, the track at Stocker Stadium has definitely made me soft. i'm not running often enough, but i get so tired and feel so bleh so often. i've had a headache on and off for the past week, i think my allergies are acting up already, but i'm not sure what to take for them. i had really weird dreams last night, Brad was running half naked around a house that was a mix of Megan's and Bard House and i had just had a baby boy who was huge, already wearing glasses, and talking. Incidentally, had we actually had sex and i had gotten pregnant, i would probably be due very soon. i have no idea where the dream came from really, other than pain.

i can hardly wait until spring break (next week) when i'll finally be able to actually sleep as long as my body wants to. The house will be quiet, i have homework to catch up on, the bad thing is that Daylight Savings will be starting (stupid lying Congress, wasting energy by failing to repeal stupid laws).

i meant to say something else, but i can't remember what it was... hoping to finish Cto5k W7 tomorrow though.

feeling the burn

God has a wicked sense of humor. Dad is out of town today for a shooting match, so i was carpooling with my family to college / homeschool co-op, and of course we were running late. i was trying my hardest to stay calm, patient, but we still got there late, and i did snap at Mom because she kept pulling forward when i had told her to pull up to the curb. I have to walk all the way around the building (maybe it would have been better to tell her to keep pulling forward, where there's another side entrance that's usually unlocked), hurry up three flights of stairs (ouch my legs are sore), and speedwalk to my classroom... only to discover that the lights are off and the room is empty. Class is canceled for the day.

...

/scream

i really, really wish there was some way they could have told me that before we had to get the kids out the door half an hour early. So now i have a free period to catch up on reading i should have done over the weekend (but didn't feel like doing) and of course write a blog about how i am not appreciating God's sense of humor right now...

Only i am. /rofl

patience

The ride to church this morning was highly aggravating. i didn't want to wake up, but did, and got dressed, and ate a quick breakfast, and came out to get into an overstuffed van. i was in a pleasant enough mood, just tired, as i haven't been getting enough sleep this week due to the return of insomnia. The three kids who were sitting behind me proceeded to whine and bicker the entire way into town. If i told them to be quiet, or nice, they would ignore me. My seatbelt kept locking up and choking me. Sammy asked me why i was in a bad mood, why i had been in a bad mood when i came down, which of course doesn't help my mood. And then everyone in the front seat started singing annoying kids' songs about having joy in your heart and all that jazz... because it's so nice to be in a sandwich of rudeness and judgment.

And i know that it's wrong of me to be annoyed, but i need quiet, i have only just gotten out of bed and i can't take the cacophony that i am surrounded by. i'm not a morning person, i need time to wake up so i can process things and not be overloaded. Peace and quiet not being forthcoming, i stuck my fingers in my ears and tried to imagine myself in my happy place, which varies from time to time. Today i was thinking of standing on the Monument embracing the wind a la Pride and Prejudice (the Knightley version). It helped me deal as the cacophony continued unabated.

i arrive in class first of course. No one comes in until 9:01, and the teacher doesn't arrive for several minutes after that. It gave me time to listen to some of the music on my phone, further bolstering my mood. The class was fine once it got started, i suppose, i'm still not sure where i should be. i feel at home in my parents' class, surrounded with acceptance and love. Waiting around for people to show up that i don't really know doesn't quite lend the same feeling. i know that no one means to make me feel excluded or hated, it just doesn't feel quite like home (to be more precise, i feel out of place). The old Sunday school class was what i missed the most about Colorado, they are who i wanted to invite to my wedding, the only friends i really have. i feel like i should be making an effort to form new friendships, etc., but i'm not sure i can handle it. Things are so uncertain for me right now, raw and damaged as i am.

A verse stuck out to me today, not one that the lesson or sermon was on, but one that was nearby, across the page, underlined in fact.

A life of moral excellence leads to knowing God better. Knowing God leads to self-control. Self-control leads to patient endurance, and patient endurance leads to godliness. Godliness leads to love for other Christians, and finally you will grow to have genuine love for everyone. The more you grow like this, the more you will become productive and useful in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. (2 Peter 1:5b-9)

Self-control... it's not exactly a trait that i have been displaying lately. Upon reading the passage, a part of me is confused. It's not that i'm trying to quibble about semantics, i'm not, i'm just very literal and sometimes things i read seem to contradict itself and leaves me wondering what in the world the author was trying to say.

How can someone have self-control without patience? i guess my perception is wrong, but it seems to me that if you're not patient then you're not going to control yourself. Even if you do control your speech, that doesn't guarantee that you're controlling your thoughts and attitude. i want to have more self-control, i want to be more meditative and contemplative and wait five minutes before i respond, but... i don't know how to. i can't chew my food twenty times before swallowing (every chew i swallow a bit more, i can't help it), if i wait to make a comment i might forget is and lose what i was trying to say (i'm turning into my mother and becoming forgetful), not to mention that when i wait i never get to speak because no one will give me the chance. i don't want to interrupt, or blurt out, but sometimes i just can't help it, it won't stay in, it has to come forth.

i've been trying to figure out how to develop my patience for a long time. It's a lot easier when you're only living with one person, or a couple (not that it's easy), but it's very difficult when your presence makes nine. How am i supposed to develop patience? It looks like i have to develop self-control first. How on earth am i supposed to develop self-control??? It goes back to the moral excellence and knowing God, i suppose. i've had moral excellence in my life, i was such a goodie-two-shoes growing up that the memory makes me sick. (lol people were "frightened by my excellence," just like Sue Ellen on Arthur).

But how am i supposed to know God? Nearly ten years of silence have done anything but develop my patience. i'm not as legalistic anymore, am i then not morally excellent? My conscience feels no twinges of guilt, in fact it feels nothing at all. Most of all, how am i supposed to know the One who will not directly communicate with me? i feel so lost. Many times i feel like i don't even know who He is anymore. i guess my only option is to read my Bible more, pray more, etc., as if that has gotten me very far in the past decade. i am so discouraged. i hate being single and i don't know what to do.

changes

i am now back in CO and have limited internet access. i have my first interview tomorrow, and have yet to hear back from KJCT (they said that there was possibly and upcoming opening and now nothing). On one hand it is very nice to be back and see my family, and i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but... i'm feeling cut off. The family modem apparently doesn't transmit wirelessly (even though there's a wireless light and antenna) and right now we can only have my computer or the family computer connected to the internet. i haven't gotten to speak to my friends, i haven't gotten to raid in over a week, and i really miss watching InuYasha every night. To top things off, Abby broke my mouse (by stepping on the usb transmitter, which is the same exact thing that happened at Christmas, only that time they were jumping on the bed). The next couple of days is supposed to be a family campout, and i'm staying behind to try to find a job, so hopefully i will be able to raid tomorrow and Wednesday at the very least. i feel like i'm letting the guild down when i can't get on.

Last Tuesday i flew from Atlanta to Phoenix to Denver. It was all very much a God-thing in that for both flights i barely got through security and boarded with only a couple of minutes to spare (not late enough to make me freak out, but definitely no wait around time). i didn't sleep for over 24 hours and barely had anything to eat at the airports. i did have Coca-Cola on the flights (yum), but no peanuts or pretzels! What's the world coming to? It also turns out that everyone is required to pay for the bags they check now. What a hassle.

On Wednesday Mom, Dad, and i went to the CO History Museum, Denver Art Museum, and Brown Palace. i was sooo tired from all the walking, both at the airports and downtown. Thursday i did dailies and watched Home Improvement reruns, then ate lunch at Subway and lugged my computer to a school park to wait for Dad's conference to end (Mom was also in attendance). It was a long week.

Thursday i was definitely starting to feel the loneliness. i actually sent Brad some text messages, which he has of course ignored. i found out during the drive to Atlanta that he is enlisting after all, he's just going to finish another year of college and go in a summer later than planned. i miss him a lot, and wish there was some way to patch up our friendship at the least, but he is apparently not interested. Everyone keeps telling me that i'm better off alone, but that's not how i feel. i know that there are some real jerks out there that i don't want to be with, but i hate being alone and am always alone and it's depressing. Colbie Caillat's song Battle just keeps running through my head ("why aren't you sorry, why aren't you sorry, why?")... i cannot make heads or tails of why he became so hostile towards me. He promised to never hurt me and definitely broke that promise. i just don't understand what was so horrible about people knowing about us (why should he be ashamed of me?) and why he thought it was okay to treat me that way.

On the way home from Denver it occurred to me, people treat me like junk (to put it nicely), and if i object that somehow makes me the bad guy. i have been struggling with this a lot lately, the overwhelming need i have to defend my reputation and deny people's accusations/statements (usually quite vehemently). Should i remain silent and deny myself instead? No one else ever defends me. The people i expect to be loyal aren't.

People here are so quick to anger and take offense. i am so tired of trying to worry about not offending anyone. i'm an adult and still can't do what i want to do, what makes me happiest (as happy as i can be when alone and God is still silent). This is why i didn't want to move here, because my feelings and beliefs are either irrelevant or considered deviant. Everyone expects me to apply here, go there to socialize, when i am tired, and don't want it to be dictated where i go. i don't feel like going out and acting like things are normal, i need to collect my thoughts and rebuild and move on. But of course there is no time for that, i must do what is expected of me. Go to bed early (take drugs that i can't afford since i can't sleep), get up at the crack of dawn, remain silent when others are rude, and do absolutely nothing to cause offense (even when i have no idea what it will be ahead of time).

If i allow myself to think i get so depressed. Sure, it's fun playing board games/cards, and throwing a ball around with Katie, and reading stories to Polly, but my body hurts and so does my heart, and it's only getting worse again being cut off from friends and things that i enjoy. i don't know what to do.

VOMIT to the Nth Degree

i hate my life. Most people, they just do whatever the hell they want, say what's on their mind, and move on. i don't get that luxury. i keep giving and giving, and wonder why i can't give more, any better. i keep my mouth shut, i just roll with the punches. And then eventually everything builds up. All the nasty things that i've been holding inside, the things people have done to hurt me, it becomes infected and just explodes, like a blister, or something infected, or vomit. i cannot deal with things in a healthy way. i keep letting people walk on me, and keep putting others first, and keep getting emotionally raped, and if i say anything at all, everyone tells me to shut up, so what do i do? i can't shut up. It explodes. It HAS to come out. So it does. And i know it's ugly, but i don't care anymore. i don't care in the slightest. Because my anger feels righteous, because it overwhelms me, because i am just so sick of the entire universe dissing me when i am trying so hard to be selfless and loving. And it's always the same cycle. Kristi puts on her happy face, acts like everything is okay, keeps giving even when she's going out of her mind with the pain and hurt, and then the explosion. But no one cares, no one EVER says they are sorry, or makes up for it, or (God forbid) helps. Kristi hides in a corner in the dark, covered in vomit, and cries her pain out. She wipes off her face and gets back up and the vicous cycle continues. Each and every time i do not know how to keep going, i desperately want to give up, but i don't know how to do that, either. My prayers go nowhere, what is the point in praying? My hopes are dashed, why did i let myself hope? No one answers my questions, no one tells me it's going to be all right, and even if they did i wouldn't believe them, because it's NOT all right. It never has been and i'm afraid it never will be. The dark owns me now. i am caged, i am on my face in the dirt, my hands are raw and blistered and bloody and beyond recognition from holding on.

It doesn't matter. No one notices. Tomorrow it will be the same as every other day in my life, slightly worse than the day before. i'm so sick of acting like everything is okay, of actually hoping that things will be better tomorrow, when they never have been, so why should they ever be?

i have lost nearly all my faith now. i do not have a mustard seed. There is now way to bear it. What does it matter if i get a job or even could have gotten the guy? He apparently doesn't want me any more than God does. i don't want any more promises whispered like prayers, they are all broken, just like my heart. So i will continue to lie in the dirt. i don't know if i can get up tomorrow, try anymore, but i have said that before. Even if i do get up, what is the point? All i do apparently is let people down while allowing them to screw me over, i have done nothing worthy of praise or appreciation, so why keep trying at all? It would only be the beginning of the next vicious cycle.

from Sociology Chapter 9 - Children and Parents

Q: What do Wilcox and Bartkowski mean when they say that there is a “conservative family paradox?” Be clear about how the realities of family life differ from the rhetoric about family life.

Wilcox and Bartkowski submit that Christians claim to support a conservative family (where the husband is the one in authority) when in all actuality both spouses are equal and interact like other “normal” American couples. They act like this is a huge revelation, that Christians are progressive while claiming not to be, but I think that it is all a case of mislabeling. Paul wrote in the Bible that men and women are equal, and Jesus had male and female disciples (there just weren’t any females among the top “twelve” who led the rest of the disciples). The way men and women interact didn’t stay this way, but to say that conservative Christian values are backward or abusive is just wrong, because one of the main leaders in the Christian movement when it was starting supported equality nearly two thousand years ago. It would be more accurate to say that Americans are following traditional Christian values today (which were very much against the societal norm when the New Testament was being written!) than to say they aren’t being conservative now. From a Christian viewpoint, the man does have the final say, but the woman’s opinion matters to him, and (like in our book) their authority is reciprocal and reinforcing each others’, while both individuals’ opinions and decisions are meant to be in submission to the authority of Jesus. To say that headship can be in existence without servant-leadership is ludicrous, because it was Jesus who is the head, He is God, He is King of all, but he submitted Himself to become a man and allowed Himself to be led to His death. To be a good leader one must sacrifice of himself (or herself), there is no more beautiful expression of love than that.

re: Sociology

i'm doing my homework. It's a lot of reading that isn't very in depth. It's easy to read, just not extremely informative. Last week i didn't have a book and managed to get 12 out of 20 questions right (i did read from the first chapter of an old edition and one of the articles as it had been printed in a book twenty years ago). Two things about this chapter have stuck out at me so far:

1) The book claims that hunter-gatherers was what families were until 10,000 years ago, when families suddenly started settling down and planting crops. This is the usual caveman bunk that has no verifiable basis in written history. So, the Bible claims that Adam and Eve settled down and started planting crops around 10,000 years ago. This was written about later, by Moses, but it's a story that was passed down by the family. However, this oral history that was later written down somehow holds less credence to the "experts" than their own unverifiable theories about pre-ancient history. Why is that? Why are they so quick to deny historical documents? Do they think Moses had this great idea, "Hey, I'll lie to everyone and see how many people believe me!"

2) According to the book a form of common law marriage was the norm from the early colonial days to the mid-1800s... That is to say, people said they were married (they didn't go to a church or courthouse, they just moved in together) and everyone accepted that they were married. If the man wanted to go west and was tired of his family he could leave her, find a new woman out west, and start a new family. The author compares this to present day cohabitation. This is vastly different from any concept of family that i have been taught in the past. People just decided they were married so everyone said they were? I'm not sure whether to be legalistic about it (how dare they not be married in a church!) or say good for them.... i mean, think about it, who performed the ceremony for Adam and Eve? Does a marriage have to be a ceremony or wedding, does it have to be witnessed? Don't let the million dollar wedding industry hear, or the u.s. government, but i've always felt that marriage was between a man, a woman, and God, period. But the church and the government always have to try to stick their fingers into our lives, don't they?

Yesterday i read a new term online--churchianity--which i believe begs some looking into. More on that later, back to the books for me.

paralyzed, part ii

In less than a week it will be eight years....

Eight years since what, you might say, but if you have been reading, watching, observing, known me for any length of time, you probably already know, even if you couldn't have marked the date on your own. i'm going to be 26, and i feel so old, entering my late-20's. i know i'm young to so many others, but to me, when i look back at where i was, what i've done, who i've become, i feel old.

It's been eight years and i'm still paralyzed. i thought that night was freeing me, it was full of so much hope and promise, but instead it was plunging me into darkness. i used to be an optimist. Megan laughs at me, says that i was always a pessimist, but if that were so then i would not have made it the past twelve, thirteen, fourteen years. i would have committed suicide if i were a pessimist, but i held on to hope, as slight as it was. Now i feel as if i have no hope but i've come too far to change my mind, to change back to who i was, to undo what has been for what might have been.

i don't believe in killing myself, not that i think that i would go to Hell for it, but i couldn't look God in the face: i would die all over again for the shame of it, letting Him down like that for my own selfish reasons. As much as i am angry at Him i still fear Him, respect Him, love Him. i don't know how to hold on, keep going, rise above, but if i were to give up in such a final, fallible way, then i would cease to be.

We small creatures are caught in a black hole of nowness, of the sensation that the world will end if our lives are sad, or hard, or even happy, and easy. We think that death is the end. It is only the beginning. It blows the mind when one realizes how infinite the universe is, how it never ends, and never begins. i sit back and wonder how it can exist at all. God created everything, infinitely large, with one word, out of nothing, out of void, and yet He was in the void and knew. It is one of many contradictions that define Him. At that moment time began, before that there was no reason to mark it, and now time will always be marked but will someday lose all meaning. We feel the clock ticking now, but one day the clock will mean nothing.

For death will not be the end.

We will live forever and ever, whether in Heaven or Hell.

The weight of that staggers me. My mind will never stop reasoning, feeling, learning, wondering. My body will die but my new one will never fail me, even after millenia of millenia. Will we get tired of always being, way up there? Will we forget our old, lost life, or be able to relive it over and over again? Now i wonder what it would be like to be thin, to be able to see perfectly, to be blind, to be deaf, to be able to fly, will that matter at all in Heaven?

i can't go to my happy place anymore. i know, it's stupid, so Happy Gilmore, but it's important to me. The thing of it is, i usually went to my happy place when i was in church, or at class, during a particularly boring sermon or lecture. i would stare out the window, or at the ceiling, or close my eyes, and imagine myself twirling on grass, singing, walking on a beach, enraptured. That is too far away now. Now when i try to go it is tainted with what ifs, and dreams that are beyond my reach. Everything is beyond my reach. So many dreams but no talent or time or strength to accomplish them. Trying to go to my happy place makes me feel even more lonely and unhappy than i already do.

i cannot imagine being in my happy place, being in Heaven. i can imagine myself bowing before God, laying my crowns at His feet, bathing Jesus' feet with my tears and wiping them dry with my hair, flying through air, swimming through water without running out of breath, flying through space.... But those things, however true they may be, are too far away for me now. How i am ever going to get from tonight to tomorrow to next week to next year is beyond me. And it is all i have been doing for the last eight years, for hope long ago failed me. i am still a fool, and i still hold on, but i do not yet know what will be.

i wrote twenty-one months ago:

The trick to not feeling absolutely crushed is focusing on God. It's difficult to do this when i cannot see, hear, or feel Him, but i remember Him, i know Him. He loves me; i have faith that He's allowing all of this to happen to me so i can become a better person, so He can be glorified in my life, so He can use me in the way He chooses. It doesn't matter what i want, it matters what He wants.

It's so hard to hold onto that, to make sure that i hold all of that hope in my mind. Having hope is a struggle to me now. It blows me away that He trusts me enough to leave me in this place for over seven years when i feel lik i don't even have the strength to get through each day.

I'm not perfect, i'm making a fool of myself. I try so hard, but i end up trying to ignore all my hopes, dreams, and spiritual pursuits just so i can get through a day with a positive attitude. I constantly feel paralyzed, like even if i try to lift myself up off the ground it's an exercise in futility. i don't like who i am becoming, i don't see how this is glorifying Him, and it makes me impatient and angry and selfish. All i want is to serve Him and that just gets stripped away.

It's hard for me to write about this: i don't want anyone to know about the mask i still end up wearing despite my best efforts, i don't want to hurt anyone, i don't want anyone to know how weak i am when i have fought so very hard.

i read more of the things i have written here, and realize, my words are my art, and they help me even now. i am so much farther into the darkness than i was even then. My sentiments are the same, only multiplied who know how many times.

Why am i stuck here? Why can't i move on? Why doesn't my life get better when i have strained, and sweat, and cried, and bled so much??? i am still a little girl, hiding in the dark. On Grey's Anatomy tonight they said that "Fear is good, it lets you know that you still have something to lose." Does that mean that not everything is lost yet? Because i am afraid that it is lost, that i will never recover from this, that i will always be the little girl huddled alone in the dark. i want to be J.K. Rowling, Katherine Heigl, David Beckham, and i know that sounds ridiculous, but please bear with me.

David saw Victoria/Posh on tv and says: "Who is that? I'm going to marry her." Katie says that everything in her life is happening so fast that it's overwhelming, that there's so much good that it's hard to take in. Jo went through a divorce, was on welfare, and wrote the book that wouldn't do well, that wouldn't sell, and is now one of the richest people on the planet. i don't want money, or fame, just to be rich and famous; i want to be overwhelmingly happy, to be giving away my money, to be telling the world what God wants me to say and have people actually listen to me--to Him--because i'm famous.

In real life everyone ignores me, and they don't even realize it. i'll be excited about something, sharing it, and no one listens, no one cares, it goes in one ear and out the other. i'll need help, advice, have help, advice, to give, but they don't pay attention, they don't help, they don't take my help and screw themselves over in the process. i'm a nice person, but i'm not going to force you to listen to me, take my help, stop looking like an idiot. People tell me i'm too loud, then why is that so much of the time i'm inwardly screaming at the top of my lungs and outworldy whispering "Why won't anyone listen??? Did i just stutter? Should i have yelled out loud instead of talking in a normal tone? Should i have sweared, or insulted, or pulled your hair, or punched you, would that have made a difference???"

i know that there are some people who read what i write, but i still feel like i'm in a vacuum, a void. i hope you, the reader, get something out of my words, because so often i feel as if they are fruitless...

...but i have to write them.

i feel compelled to write.

i have to write.

But what do i have to say?

i've already said it.



Will i always be here, huddled in the dark? Will i ever truly fall in love? Will anyone ever fall in love with me? i have looked at men, said to myself, "He's the one," and he never was. How can a person move on when they are caged in the dark? How can they be loved when they are so ugly inside? On the outside? No matter how beautiful i am, will i always be the "fat girl"? Will i always be the girl with the lisp? Will i always be the socially backwards outsider that doesn't know how to connect with other human beings and feels miserable and hates herself for it?

i hate being sick and tired and alone and worthless. i want to be healthy, and alive, and beautiful, and loved, and a really useful woman (lol with tears streaming down my face). i'm afraid that i'll always be alone, that i'll never have children, and i know i'm not ready. i don't want my imzadi to see me like this. My hope is in God, not in a man, or a child, anyone but the Christ-child, the Messiah, the Redeemer, the Lover of my soul.

My wound is laid bare again. That is the way it should be. It hurts to breathe not because of my congestion or sore throat, but because of my need for Him. i will always need Him, i cannot stop needing Him, and that is why i wait, not because i have the strength, or wisdom, or faith, but because i have the weakness, the doubt, and the fear. i will always be His little girl.

It is four days until my anniversary. i cannot go on, i do not know His will anymore, if i was ever right, or if i have always been wrong, but i will still wait for Him, even if it takes another eight years. Do not be proud of me for that, i have done nothing at all... but give up.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Yesterday i missed the bus and walked six miles to work. i wouldn't want to have to do it again, i got a blister, and it wasn't really that bad, but i was so tired at the end of the day. Not really sore, just exhausted, kind of like the feeling you have when you get out of the pool after swimming laps, like your body is just too heavy all of a sudden and it takes a bit just to get used to walking. Coming back down to earth after being in zero-g must be something like that, only a hundred or million times worse. i actually fell asleep at a somewhat reasonable hour, at 12:30 am, and slept for eleven hours straight. i was that tired.

Today i weighed myself and i'm the same, holding steady at 30 pounds lost. Which isn't a bad thing, i would rather stay here than gain some, but i know that it's because i've been drinking more soda again and not been as careful about what i'm eating. i've had chips for the second time since i've moved here, and we're being less careful about what we buy when grocery shopping. Right now i'm trying to drink more water, that will be the next step, and hopefully i'll be losing more weight soon.

Today i'm applying for a job working for a TV Guide channel reality show. You can see the ad on Craigslist. i don't know what the schedule is like but i don't see how i can turn it down. If i get the job and it conflicts with Megan's work i'll help pay for the babysitting or something, but i think it would be a great opportunity for me. Interviews are next week, and the correspondence i have so far has been promising.

Megan's acting like we can't go to CO for Christmas now, maybe if i get this job we'll be able to make it, i really want to go. It would help if she worked more often, but that's difficult with the way i'm scheduled at Hancock Fabrics. Not to mention that this job is driving me into the ground. i really don't know how i get through each day, though the music on my iPod helps.

empty

It has been very difficult for me not to feel worthless and/or unappreciated lately. Megan has been really oversensitive and accusing, my boss has been demanding and for the most part ignores my efforts at work. i have had insomnia for weeks, am still exhausted at the end of every work day, and i have at moments resented others' lack of understanding or caring that i am giving so much and getting so little in return.A few days ago i was sobbing over the dishwater, abhorring the fact that i was acting like my Grandma and feeling the part of the martyr while simultaneously wondering why my life is always like this and why it's been so long since i've cried.

i'm going through several incoherent things all at once. i wish that i could do more, that i was more helpful and stronger. At the same time i feel put upon. i've given up on my dreams again to be here. i know that to the outside world that i always look like i'm just living off my relatives, but what no one ever seems to realize is that i receive little benefit from such arrangements, that i participate in them because i'm trying to have a servant's heart or because i have no other choice. No one looks out for me. My wants and needs fall to the wayside, are ignored because there is little if anything i can do to pursue them, and even trying to is depressing in itself and much more trouble than it's worth. i am not in control of my life, i gave it up a long time ago: it's been about eight years since i gave God full rein to do what He would and said i would trust Him to guide me, provide for me, use me. It is still hard to trust Him, to have faith, but i cannot take control back when i never really had it in the first place.

Throughout all of this i am trying to tell myself that i am really useful, gifted, needed, wanted, when deep down inside i never feel that those things are true. i recently read that if someone gives you a complement that you should never disagree with the person because to do so is to say that you don't trust his/her judgement and is therefore insulting. i always disagree with compliments because i never think that anyone can or should think anything good of me. i'm not a good singer. My writing is nowhere near as good as i'd like it to be and all my stories come from God or something i'm working through in my life. i'm fat. i'm alone.

i'm always alone. Satan always tells me that i'm worthless, and i always believe Him. i tell myself that i'm humbling myself before God. i tell myself that my father has never approved of anything i've ever done in an attempt to find his approval. The only men that say good things about me, encouraging things, are already married and so very unavailable. Not one single man has ever shown the slightest bit of interest in dating me, loving me, marrying me. i am so alone, living out one of my worst fears. Even if i lose weight, started dressing more sexy, wore makeup every day, did my hair every morning, would it matter? What good is it to change who you are in order to attract a man when all you want is to be loved unconditionally for who you are?

So i lie alone in the dark every night unable to sleep, sexually and emotionally frustrated, spiritually bereft. i try to write poems, stories, draw, nothing changes the dark truth or makes it easier to bear. Why would any man want to be with a needy, desperate, depressed girl like me? Oh what i would give to be a stay-at-home wife and mother, to never have to worry ever again about a career, paying bills, supporting myself, and being unhappy for the rest of my life.

i ignore all of this most of the time. i live with it because i must, because it is who i am and i don't know how to change, despite my best efforts. i say that i am not depressed but i don't really know that. i can live for months while ignoring how i truly feel deep inside. i have tried living without a mask but i know this only scares people away. i see little reason to be happy, when i can't support myself, where all of the things i hoped to achieve in my life have never been within my grasp, even attempted. Did i make the wrong choice when i didn't expect my parents to support my dreams when i was fourteen, so i never even brought it up? When i never stepped out in faith and moved to LA no matter what the cost? i've felt like an adult for so long, but even as an adult i am forced to play the part of a child so very often.

God has been silent for nearly eight years. i am nearly twenty-six and i can't believe it. i'm burning, burning, not for any one man, just so empty and unfulfilled inside. i know i should look to God for fulfillment but a husband is meant to represent His love for the Church, or is that backwards? All that i know is that i am in danger of falling into despair and hopelessness that is too deep for rescue. i don't want to give up, i don't want to fail God, but i truly do not know how to go on, how to keep serving Him, how to not give up on all His promises forever. i don't know how to wait for Him, for a husband that may not exist, to be at peace with where my life is. i don't know how to be alone and yet that's all i've ever been. i cannot see Him, hear Him, feel Him, touch Him, taste Him, what good is my faith? It isn't enough, i will surely fail him, and i do not have a Gollum to save me.

i have no friends. i have no social life. i don't know how to let people in, they always hurt me when i try. i want to write about love, life, hope, and i have no business doing so. i have no experience, i have no knowledge, all i have is theories that for all i know are completely wrong and off base. What am i doing???

i don't know how to go on, but i am way beyond such labels. i have felt this way before, not knowing how to get out of bed in the morning and face the world, go to class, go to work, be half of a human being and seem normal. It does not matter what i can or cannot do, for i ran out of tries, of ability, of strength, long ago. What does it matter if i try or give up? i am worthless, remember? It is all out of my hands. i trust God like a fool and huddle in the dark. My spiritual life is so much more real than my physical one, but Satan cannot truly touch me, only mock me with half-truths that betray his fear. Still, i am afraid. i don't know how to do what God is asking of me. i don't know how to get through the night, let alone the next day, week, month, year. i always marvel at the passing of time because i don't know how i have withstood its darkness or retained even a sliver of faith. But just when i think i'm done i decide to keep trying anyway. Like i said, i'm such a fool. Oh well.

shiver me timbers, i have a bone to pick

i have not been writing because i've been simultaneously avoiding feeling and trying to figure some stuff out. My life feels very uneventful. Until about a week ago i was playing World of Warcraft at every available moment, lately not so much. i was trying to level my two characters with my sister's (and so, not supposed to play alone, not that it's enjoyable to play alone) that are at the same level, and now we have all four at the same level, but she is so involved with her guild that there isn't much time for me. i have a Blood Elf Hunter and Troll Shaman that are awesome. i don't care for my Undead Lock or Draenei Pally overly much. We're supposed to start playing a Tauren Druid (me) and Tauren Shaman (her) on a RP server but there just isn't enough time in the day and i've been spending time leveling my Shammy and missing my Hunter and now i just want to play the Shammy but still miss the Hunter (can i have a Shunter or a Hammy, please?). i'm conflicted and wish i was already to lvl 70 but don't like playing alone and am sick of stinking pugs with mush for brains, or people who ninja or don't care what they agro, or being blamed for stuff that is totally outside my control. i'm tired of healing with a shammy that i want to dps with and sick of trying to get my pet to do what i want without getting the nth degree.

Ah, i have no life. And in a way i don't care. WoW every day, day in and day out, what's bad about that? (;

In RL i am working at a Hancock Fabrics that is not in such a safe neighborhood. i like my job, but it's exhausting to be on your feet eight hours straight. My manager wanted me to work five days this week and how am i supposed to do that and enable Megan to work too? Impossible, which totally negates my entire reasons for coming here. Which i embrace and fight simultaneously...

On my last night in Whitewater i was flipping mad because i felt like i was being pulled in a million directions. i started writing a poem about it but haven't been able to finish it. i am not in quite the same zone anymore and can't quite put into words what i'm feeling and working through. It just seems to me that it never works to put God first, then others, then yourself, because myself never has anything left over and what if God's needs conflict with the others'? i still end up feeling guilty and p.o.'d no matter what i do or how hard i try and then guilty that i haven't tried harder and righteous cuz i worked as hard as i could but did i really?

Which just puts pain to a lot of things i've been working through. i feel like the church has totally misconstrued God's intentions in a lot of ways, and i don't exactly know if i'm being stupid and sinful, or if i'm on to something. Am i being nonconformist for a reason? Am i truly meant to be a prophet? Or am i just being a stubborn ass who won't move in the direction my master wants me to? Case in point, the word ass is in the Bible and Red Foreman uses it so eloquently. However if the word was actually directed at myself by my father or anyone else i doubt that i'd feel amused or uplifted. But i've grappled with the idea of cursing a lot lately; i learned to curse from other Christians, and what the Bible says is not to put others down, not to not use certain words. So is not cursing at all merely legalistic?

So here's my bone to pick: why has the church become so legalistic? i feel like we're Protestants are a bunch of Pharisees and Catholics are a bunch of Saducees or vice versa. And i see such hypocricy in the church that it just blows me away and scares me. Here are a few examples:

Nudity is bad. Sex is bad (except when married). Dancing is bad and only leads to sex, so don't do it. Even when married, do not discuss sex ... So, uh, Adam and Eve must have been sinning even before they ate the forbidden fruit. God was crazy when he designed our sexual organs and therefore, by default, sex. Married people with your marital problems due to lack of intimacy and communication: go somewhere else for help. Oh, and don't get me started about the Song of Solomon or David dancing in the streets of Jerusalem.

Drinking alcohol and doing drugs is incredibly horrible! Don't even think of doing it! ... Why did Jesus turn water into wine and then later command his followers to eat bread and drink wine EVERY SINGLE TIME believers meet together?!?!?!? Come to think of it, why did he create drugs of any sort, naturally in nature, or give men the brains to make fake ones??? And is caffeine a bad drug, too? Is it a sin to have a Coca-Cola or a Java Chip Frapp? Is water or oxygen a drug, too? Because i am totally and hopelessly addicted to both, and i've tried stopping, but my body pretty much rebelled.

Card playing is bad. Gambling is bad ... We all know what happened when Jonah was dumped overboard and been swallowed by that fish. And what an awful way to have fun with your family.

Movies are the Devil's work! ... This is the same sort of mentality churches had about novels in Austen's time. My question is, why did God give us an imagination if He didn't intend us to use it? How dare we even talk to each other, tell historical tales, learn how to write letters and words in order to communicate, then learn how to write fiction! Of course several of those steps were entirely necessary in order for God's Word to be recorded in the form of a book....

Back to the sex issue: if you cut back, you'll have fewer kids, and for some reason that's what we all want. Children are a danged nuisance if you ask most people in the church and the world. Breast feeding is utterly offensive, don't do it. Babies and Toddlers only scream, send them to the nursery and pay people to care for them instead of coming to worship themselves. Children are loud and obnoxious, send them to public school so you can get them out of your hair. Don't teach them anything, don't trust them, don't raise them to be Christ-like, expect them to rebel and whine about it when the don't listen to you or get in trouble. Try to control their life throughout high school and college (when it's too late), tell them not to get married until they hit at least 25 (they're too young to know what they want out of life), then badger them until the age of 30 to get on the ball and give you grandkids, then chew them out at the age of 35 when they won't stop having them. Make sure that they know that the career is what's most important, that and perpetuating the cycle that was created before your own time ... DON'T HAVE BABIES AT HOME, DON'T TEACH KIDS AT HOME OR RAISE THEM IN gODLY LIVING, DON'T YOU DARE TELL THEM HOW TO LIVE OR TRY TO RAISE THEM ON YOUR OWN, YOU'RE TOO DUMB!!! ... Meanwhile abortion is bad, birth control WAS bad (but is now expected of you), children are the bane of existence (have i mentioned). How about we let the entire Human species die out or start figuring out how to clone people instead? Oops, but then people wouldn't have souls. WHAT IS GOING WRONG WITH YOUNG PEOPLE TODAY, THE LITTLE WHIPPERSNAPPERS HAVE NO RESPECT!

rofl... No wait... <the writer lets out a piercing scream of horror and fear>...

God made us to appreciate sex, enjoy sex, desire sex, have sex to procreate, have sex to bond with our spouse, and that's it (but i imagine it must be pretty great, all the same). CHILDBIRTH IS NOT A DISEASE, it was what the female body was designed to do, and if it doesn't it can get sick. God designed breasts for feeding babies and the formula makers are only formulating pale copies of the perfect real deal. Children are supposed to be raised by their parents, not figuratively blind teachers who are either underpaid and doing it cuz they love it or are one of those who could not find anything better to do with their lives. Children are a blessing from the Lord and it is up to Him how many children He gives or takes away. Anyone that has a heartbeat has a soul, so yes, abortion is murder. Respect must be given and earned to be received, how about you give love and start acting like an adult and we'll take it from there?

Sarcasm is the recourse of a weak mind ... Complaints against sarcasm are the recourse of those who can't come up with a good retort or face reality.

A couple of weeks ago i was watching an old Homicide:Life on the Street rerun and one of the characters said that you have to know your weakenesses/sins and love them because they're a part of you, too. He said that unless your vices rub against your virtues and are tested then they are worthless (paraphrased, of course). His words rang of truth; how can you know that you truly believe something if you've never questioned it? i am nowhere near as eloquent as him right now, but surely you get the gist: assuming makes an ass of u and me.

We are meant to read God's Word for ourselves and discern for ourselves in which way that God wants us to live. We are meant to live for God alone, and not ignore our own needs, or put others' needs before His, or be selfish and/or rebellious about giving our time and efforts. Where does Jesus tell us to start being legalistic, bind ourselves to new man-made holy "law"s, or ignore His example? i don't know if i could ever be the mouthpiece of God, but i am terrified by the trends that i see in today's church. The most important Law is "Love Your Neighbor as Yourself," but how can you love your neighbor if you hate yourself and how can you love yourself if you hate God's will and vision for your life?

In many ways i have hated the past seven years, nine months, plus, of my life. Others are always trying to sabotage my service of God, and yet i have been completely dependent on others for survival. i hate it when others judge where i am by with worldly yardsticks and yet i find myself doing the same thing. At every turn i question God, i try to understand, i beg Him to explain, i beg Him to deliver, i beg Him to answer me, i beg Him to take care of my needs instead of making me depend on others' grace. Two thought-provoking verses from last week's Bible study stand out in my mind in answer to these questions.

The first is John 1:5: "The light shines in the darkness,
and the darkness can never extinguish it," or, "...and the darkness has not understood it." This suddenly made perfect sense to me in many ways. In my minds eye, the past seven plus years have been spent in a cage, one of God's making. i lament my inability to see Him, feel Him, escape (ironic, when all i want is to be with Him, isn't it?), and have struggled to comprehend the events of my life. i can see myself naked, curled up in the dark, my eyes blinded, my body broken. But at the same time there are times when it is as if i can feel my skin on fire, on fire in a good way, a tickling, itching, new skin growing way. i can feel the star on my forehead, reflecting God's light, picture in my mind's eye the barcode on my neck that has been marked Paid in Full / It is Finished by Jesus, savor the sting of the trinity circles that are also tattooed into my wrists and soul, and feel the itch of the flaming wing that lie nestled in my shoulder blades, longing to burst into life. i sound like a fool, but i know that these marks are a part of me, whether they have been marked on my earthly skin and can be seen on earth or not, i believe that when i stand before Jesus that everyone will be able to see them as i can feel them, etched into my very being. i am wearing a tiara, just like an elf in LotR, and one day i will lay it at His feet, but the burns, reflections, light, will still remain.

So if all of these marks remain with me, and i can still not hear, touch, see, feel Christ, God, the Spirit, what then is the explanation? But as i read John 1:5 i knew, deep within, it is because my body is not capable. God is with me in the cage, but He is the bars that keep out the dark and keep me safe. The Spirit is with me in the cage, He is the air i breathe. Jesus is with me in the cage, knows that i long to anoint his feet with my hair, even if my hair is/was gone and i cannot touch him, He is the light i cannot see, a black light that i will never be able to physically perceive but can feel etched into soul and spirit and mind and flesh. If anyone looks at me with God-given spiritual eyes they will see me as i am, wrists marking that i belong to Christ, a neck marking my freedom, wings waiting to fly, and a crown that will be given to God someday. My body is a cage, but one day i will be freed of my residual self image and see myself as i really am, that is to say, how God sees me, his mental projection of my spiritual self.

The other verse that struck me was not part of my Bible study, it was quite by accident. Ever since i got a cover for my Bible i have kept its bookmark ribbon squarely on the same verse: Proverbs 3:5-6. When i close my Bible i usually pull the ribbon down (towards the bottom of the pages) so that the Bible will close smoothly. Last Tuesday i actually turned to that page, which isn't unusual, but i actually read the verses. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will direct your paths."

The world's, and church's, and my epidemic is thus: we do not trust God, we try to depend on our own understanding. Most of us, i believe, must not really want to see God as He truly is, rather as we want to see Him. People have a small view of God and don't want the ceiling of their cathedral to be broken open, for cathedral ceilings are majestic enough as it is. But what of me? i asked God to show me Himself as He really is, not as i want Him to be, and yet even i am still clinging to my old version of Him. i see the sky, and sometimes the stars, but He wants me to look past the stars. Now i cannot possibly comprehend what is past the stars, but sometimes i try to, sometimes i am quiet and still and for a few thundering heartbeats i see God as He really is and cannot comprehend it, and then He closes my mind off again before it explodes. But even with my mind closed i struggle to see past the boxy cathedral and reach for those stars, knowing that they represent God in a tangible way, for He not only created them in the instant of one breath, He is the stars and lives between them and lives beyond them forever and to the nth dimension.

God put me in this cage as surely as He has caged my mind. People tell me that my husband is not ready for me yet, that is why i have not met him yet, and i know they are wrong. i am not ready for Him, i feel as if i am, but God tells me that i am not, so i know that it is true. He has caged me because the world is not ready to hear what i have to say, rather, what words He will say through me if i ever prove to be worthy enough to whisper them. i am caged because i am not ready to fly, and if i leave the nest i will die. i am caged because of the beast that prowls outside as a lion, seeking to devour me (1 Peter 5:8).

Oh, that God would put a coal to my mouth and cleanse my lips! i would take it in my mouth like Harry's snitch to cleanse my tongue, throat, lungs, if i could. i am forever crying out, "Here am i, send me!" but God is still too far away for me to comprehend. And now i see, plain as day in front of my face, that i'm not supposed to be trying to comprehend, i'm supposed to just believe and seek His will. Who can really seek His will by taking the Bible out of context, create new Laws, twist His teachings, and shield their heart against the starlight? How can i seek Him unless i let go of my understanding and do His bidding no matter what the cost. Meanwhile, i'm still a WIP.

babysitting today

what i'm watching ~ Larry-Boy and the Fib from Outer Space

We arrived in Savannah in the wee hours of Sunday morning. Megan slept a few hours, then went to church with Joshua, while Alice and i had a lie in. The last hour of driving Megan was at the wheel and though i was trying to stay awake to talk to her so she could stay awake it was proving impossible. i kept falling asleep mid sentence. After church we went grocery shopping at Wal-Mart (as the fridge was empty) and vegged out for the rest of the day. i went online to see if any of the local tv stations were hiring for a position i could fill, but none in Savannah were.

On Monday Alice had a doctor's appointment and had to wait an extra hour for her shots. It felt like we were there for over four hours, but it was probably closer to three. Next we went to the fabric/craft stores: JoAnn's is hiring seasonal help, but i also picked up aps at Hancock Fabrics and Michaels. We stopped at the mall and i found out which stores are hiring via customer service. By this time we were hungry and tired, so we went home and i spent an hour filling out my applications. i saw that Macaroni Grill was hiring on the list, that they wanted applicants to come in on Wednesday from 2-5, so we decided that we would go job hunting again that day.

On Tuesday Megan went to work and all went well until the final half hour when Joshua got very fussy and i ran out of breast milk. Most of the time he is happy playing or swinging. Alice cries for Megan at first but otherwise is pretty happy as long as i feed her on time and she gets her nap. She likes to watch PBS and VeggieTales and isn't happy when i turn off the tv.

On Wednesday we got a late start, not leaving the house until around noon. Megan picked up her perscription sunglasses and then we headed off to Hancock Fabrics. i talked to the manager for a couple of minutes and it sounds like she would like to hire me in a couple of weeks (she's training someone else at the moment but knows she needs to hire another). At Michaels and JoAnn's it was basically a drop off: i wanted to talk to the manager at JoAnn's but she was too busy. At the Macaroni Grill the hostess told me they were hurting for hosts so if i put that on my ap then i would probably be hired for sure. The only downside i can see to a job at the Macaroni Grill is that employees are supposed to stand 100% of the time they're at work, and that can be exhausting if you don't have the right shoes. We then ventured into the mall, Megan doing some shopping and i picking up applications. i filled out an app at Gymboree and picked up about five or six more, one for a great little place called Torrid (i believe) where there's only plus sizes and its got great clothes (the sizes are 1, 2, etc. for 1X, 2X). i miss working at a mall, i had a blast working at Wherehouse, and didn't get depressed at all, even when Megan said that she doesn't want to go to Charleston this weekend for American Idol auditions. A bummer i guess, but i was never going to hold my breath about it, and what am i going to do without a car or gas money? i need a job, quick!

Today Megan's at work again, and she will be again on Saturday most likely. Joshua was sitting up yesterday (i got pics, but they're not uploaded yet) and today had some rice cereal but is currently fighting zzzzs. He doesn't want the swing at the moment so we're laying on Mommy's/Megan's bed.

Savannah has been so hot (the upper 90's) and very humid so we've only ventured out in it one night, and it was still horrid. i fell off my longboard skateboard for the first time and have been a little sore but no bruises or abrasions. Give me September so the mosquitoes will die, cool weather will ease in, and i'll have cash again.

the budding entrepreneur

Well i've certainly had a weird week, between continuing to clean out Hanover House (my grandparents' place), kicking back, and expanding my activities on the internet to business. For the first time ever i've listed items on eBay. At DeviantArt i opened a shop to sell prints and other objects. What i couldn't create at DeviantArt i'm slowly creating at CafePress, where i hope to eventually branch out into t-shirts, bumper stickers, and greeting cards. Oh, and i uploaded some photos to Facebook, but that has nothing to do with money.

Tomorrow morning we should be leaving to return to Savannah, but now i've got to get ready to do so. Oh, but please feel free to visit my shops and purchase some merchandise. (:

prints at DeviantArt
Art Attack at CafePress

Blume and other events

Well i spent a week in Kansas City with mixed happenings but good results. i mainly attended the Blume conference (July 9-13) because my sister, Katie, was excited about it and wanted to go, but i needed the vacation after working overtime for three months. Its been a week since i started writing this post, so i know that i left some details out, but i need to capture some of this for posterity.

On Sunday night we went to Transformers, which was stupid, because i didn't fall asleep until two in the morning. After the movie i was still awake and ended up reading Chamber of Secrets for a while, which i really wanted to finish, but i knew i needed to sleep, so i finally fell asleep and it was time to wake up way too soon. i turned off my alarm at six and fell back asleep, and about an hour later my sister woke up and we were on our way.

On Monday we intended to drive to Denver and go to the Museum of Nature and Science, where there is a special exhibit on the Titanic as well as an exhibit on Egypt and the mummies. But on the way from GJ to the Front Range there were three big construction zones that required us to go down to one lane of traffic, slowing down significantly. We were also in the Geo Tracker, which does not handle hills well, let alone mountains, and we kept getting stuck behind people going even slower than we were. We finally arrived in Denver two hours before we needed to be at the airport but too late to visit the museum. We stopped at a nearby mall and browsed at a bookstore for over an hour. i finished reading CoS, and then went to the airport early, but we still turned out to be the last teens/collegiates in our group to arrive.

i didn't know anyone. Some of the girls seemed familiar but i don't know that i'd met them before, i just sometimes feel as if i've met certain Christians before when we're introduced. So i settled down to read Prisoner of Azkaban while most of the girls played "Would you rather -- or --?" There were questions like "Would you rather meet Amy Grant or the President?" and "Would you rather have a unibrow or webbed toes?" and "Would you rather give or receive?" etc. This was rather loud, as everyone inevitably shouted out their answers and caused a ruckus. i took part a little but mostly read my book.

Before going through security we played a game to introduce ourselves, naming an animal (the name of which starting with the same letter as one's name), and combining it with a movement. i said Kristi Kangaroo and hopped. Katie was beside me and upset that i took her animal, so she had to think up another one (not really, but you understand), but someone else had already used cat two or three players before, so i couldn't use kitten or think of anything else quickly. i think someone else suggested the other marsupial, the Koala, which she used. Then we met our roommate (who was the last to arrive) and went through security and made our way to the proper concourse. The flight was delayed an hour by weather in Tennessee, but other than that the flight was uneventful. We were all so tired by the time we got to the hotel, which was around 11:30 local time. i didn't sleep well (still too used to being up all night, i guess) but whatever.

On Tuesday we ate breakfast at the hotel (sold in the lobby and priced reasonably) then went to the Hallmark museum, which i had been to before but enjoyed. i'm not sure they would have found it without me as they were all walking the wrong way. We were walking through the mall, i checked the map as we were getting off the escalator, and announced that we needed to veer right. The only trouble with the excursion was that i was still tired, and my body was constantly in pain of one sort or another, so while the rest of the girls went shopping the four collegiates (two leaders and one freshman, and me) went back to the hotel. S. is going to go to ASU in the fall and we seemed to find quite a lot to talk about while floating in the pool. Then it started to get crowded, so we got out and got ready for dinner. Dinner was at the hotel's Bistro (restaurant) and was exorbitantly priced for our purposes and service took forever. My food came to me lukewarm, tasteless, and made me feel ill.

That night we went to the opening ceremonies at the conference center's arena where the music was way too loud. i couldn't hear myself singing and went hoarse overcompensating. i kept scooting over (across four seats) to make more room for the adult who was sitting next to me, but she kept following me farther and father and bumping into me and stepping on my feet. Most of the speaking i could not understand at all, as it was like shouted mumbling, but what i did understand i wasn't sure i agreed with because there was a lot of talk about learning to love yourself and very few verses quoted that don't say that at all.

That night L. (our adult roommate) turned out the lights by eleven and though she was disturbed several times by text messages from her husband (all before midnight) did not emerge the next morning until i was leaving at nine. This upset me as she knew that Katie was getting up at six and had to leave before we did, and neither of us had money for breakfast (i had two dollars and Katie was broke from the night before, where she shared food and the cost with others). So i went down to the lobby, where i expected to find everyone but instead found no one, and L. appeared and accused me of doing nothing but complaining the entire trip, which i found entirely unfair. She said that i had claimed there were no verses about loving yourself in the Bible but that there were verses about complaining.

This smarted, as i have felt guilty about complaining so much on this blog as of late. At the same time i know that God understands when i need to express such sentiments to Him, and she has absolutely no idea what my life has been like, what i've been going through, etc. The only complaints i made were because she asked for my opinion. Her friend who lives in Kansas City ate dinner with us and they spent the entire time talking about boyfriends and ex-boyfriends and how dumb they had been and the stupid things that all of the involved parties had done. It made me wonder what i was even doing sitting at the same table with them. But when L. asked me how my meal was i answered honestly and said that it was cold. When we got back to our room that night and she asked me what i had thought of the events in the arena i said that it had been too loud for me to understand half the time and that i wish they would have quoted the Bible more often. And when she gets to the lobby in the morning, having been out of bed for ten minutes because i woke her up, and i jokingly say, "Nice of everyone to be on time," not even being serious, she jumps down my throat about complaining. What the heck is that? i didn't even say anything to her about being walked on during worship, ditched by the leader who said "follow me" and then walked off, how inorganized the trip to the Hallmark Center was, or her behavior at dinner. i had answered her questions and kept my bad experiences to myself because i was desperately trying not to have a bad week, rather to believe that i would be blessed at this conference.

So as Wednesday progressed... L. gave me my twenty dollars for meals. The first event for the collegiates was the coffee house, which was supposed to have some breakfast items to buy. Upon arriving it was discovered that a Starbucks booth had been set up, which didn't serve the kind of coffee i like, and the only food available was bear claws, which i have sworn off. i walked down the hall and found a Coca-Cola machine for a dollar, then joined my group again. S. step-aunt had some cheddar on cheddar crackers which she was nice enough to give to me, which was only slightly more appetizing than bear claws, but i was so hungry that they were delicious. L. started wondering aloud why i would dislike bear claws (which have absolutely no healthy ingredients) and i tried to explain that my parents keep goats for the milk, chickens for their eggs and meat, and eat healthy alternatives. While we were waiting we could decorate our name tags and bags with crayola markers and foam flowers, butterflies, etc. But then worship started, and i was soon invested in that. The collegiate band was led by Cindy Johnson playing guitar, her fiance on piano, a guy she used to babysit on drums, and the guy who had gotten her to sing her first solo on another guitar. The sound was still a little too loud for my liking, but the music was pretty good.

For Conference Time One i had chosen "Order My Steps: Making Time for God." The conference was pretty unusual and i don't remember it well. We read several stories that she had printed off the internet and took with us a dandelion that was basically a reminder to take time to enjoy the beauty of God's creation and/or remember that it takes time for seeds/bulbs to grow and that they won't unless you plant them. Its been too long now, i don't remember the gist of it, but it wasn't very inspirational to me. Next we went to lunch in the convention center's food court, which was full of teens. i had to wait a long time to get a hamburger, and ended up singing Relient K to myself (Which to Bury, Us or the Hatchet? and Let it All Out). By the time i got my food everyone else had eaten theirs (they bought the boxed lunches instead), so i bolted down my burger and fries in five minutes. Next we went to the Hands On Ministry Experience and made subtraction flash cards for Missionaries who are teaching in foreign countries.

After that was the Muslim Prayer area that i went to alone. A woman who's a missionary to muslim women talked about how muslim women love to socialize with other women by having tea and food. Everyone was given a sash to cover their heads with. Then we learned what the five prayer positions are that muslims use, and prayed in the positions, which was exhausting. The first position is standing with your hands cupped and held up at waist height. Next you cup you hands around your ears and remain standing. Then you bow at the waist and put your hands on your knees. Then you kneel with your head to the floor and put your hands on the floor by your head. Then you sit up, still kneeling, and hold your hands cupped again, like when you were standing. Praying for just a couple of minutes in each position was tiring, though i imagine doing it several times a day one would get used to it. After this we had some free time, and i walked around the downtown area taking blind photos and looking for the food court that i knew had to be nearby because it had been mentioned in the hotel info. Walking around outside was such a mood lifter i cannot even begin to tell you. It was slightly overcast, and the coolest it had been so far, and just lovely to be out and about in.

Next we had worship again, with the opportunity for fifty collegiates to sign up to spend the night in a nearby homeless shelter. No one in our group went, we had pizza for dinner (it was supposed to be our state party, but all the teens had already eaten and were swimming), and then was Night in the Middle East. We did sand art, temporary tattoos that were henna colored and depicted a flowery cross or said Blume and had a bird, wrote our name in another language, and there was one booth for "beauty treatments" that i didn't go to. A can of soda cost $2 from the proferred vendor, so i walked a block and a half to buy a 20 oz. from the same machine that i had visited that morning, which was no longer taking dollar bills and gave us a free soda. Then we sat down on the lawn to watch A Night with the King (or whatever that new Esther movie is called). i kept saying "Gimli!" every time i heard Mr. Rhys-Davies voice and driving Katie bonkers. Most of our group left the movie early: i'd already seen most of it twice on TBN and my hoodie was soaked through because i'd been sitting on it and the grass was wet. So we went back to the hotel and i started watching I, Robot on my laptop, which i had been reminded of because they had said it was important to ask the right questions. I turned it off at ten past midnight, just short of the ending, and fell asleep.

On Thursday i bought a banana for breakfast and had another soda. i set off alone to find ME, and only found it because Katie had been to it the day before and asked me if i'd been to the basement of the arena yet. i made a scrapbook page for my Blume memories, wrote a letter to the troops, wrote a letter to a Chinese penpal, and got a free t-shirt. Activities that i didn't take part in were Karaoke, a petting zoo, blow up gladiator fighting, twister, and obstacle course, dancing the hula, and some quiz show type games. There were some tables set up talking about missions work in other countries and i was was struck by how little the people in France (who were stopped in the streets of Paris) know about Jesus and God.

i attended Understanding God's Will as my next Conference and it was excellent. i don't know if i completely agreed with everything that the leader said, and it was a lot to digest, but i was surrounded by young women who were also going through some hard times. Several girls were talking about being mad at God because they were following their calling but were now on detours. One is attending college and studying to be a pianist and has now broken her wrist. Other girls had stories that they shared. It was overwhelming, impossible to put into words or fully digest, but it felt so nice to know that i'm not alone in feeling abandoned or betrayed by God. One thing the leader did say was that God doesn't have it out for us, He genuinely wants us to be happy, and that's been hard for me to remember lately. i went to lunch alone, looking for the Pizza Hut Express i had seen the day before but instead finally stumbling upon the food court, which turned out to be one block over, one block down. i had ribs and fries; the serving turned out to be huge.

Next it was off to You Can Be a Missions leader, where S. and her step-aunt were as well. We talked in groups about how we are serving right now, how we hope to be serving in the future, what we can do in our own churches and communities. We had worship again, girls talked about the Poverty Experience (shelter), there was a video about a woman who was sold into prostitution by her family in a country that used to be a part of Russia. i was so overwhelmed by all that had happened on this day. Cindy talked about not being discouraged by detours, that God is still guiding us, which put into words what i had been trying to grasp during Understanding God's Will. You see, growing up i had always heard in church that if you aren't going forward then you are going backwards, and this is something that has not seemed to ring true in my life over the past seven years. i haven't moved away from God, i have merely been trying to follow Him, but i feel like i can't find Him, i feel lost. i wrote a prayer during the service, talking to God openly about how i felt, and it was right.

After dinner was "Fun Times" which turned out to be a panel for the band where we could ask them for advice on relationships. Cindy and Steven are engaged to be married in November. Cindy's friend tours with the group and is single. The drummer has been dating his girlfriend for six years. The guitar player had divorced his wife and has since remarried her: he says that playing with the band keeps him on track with God. The session was funny and informative and i was in tears by the end of it. Cindy was talking about finding the man you're meant to be with, that you need to keep serving God and when you meet the right guy it won't be hard, you won't have to struggle to be together, but your ministries will already coincide with one another and strengthen each other. Later she talked about when her grandmother made biscuits and would sift the flour and praying that God would sift out the parts of her life that He didn't want, that He would throw out what He didn't need. At this point i was balling my eyes out because this is exactly what i have been going through, struggling to give to God, the concept that i may have to stay single, that He might not want me to get married or have kids. But i still want Him to be able to use me, so i've had to pray that He will take those desires away from me if that's His will.

The last conference i went to was I Just Do What the Voices Tell Me to Do and was led by another friend of L.'s, in fact this was the only conference i had seen her attend and she had gone to visit this friend several times over the course of the week. Her first friend also attended this conference, at which she admitted that she had been married before. But this session was about peer pressure and what it really means to be a moral person. i saw some quotes and magazine ads that really disturbed me. The leader said she was 31 and still single and sifting was still fresh in my mind. i went back to my room, mentally and physically exhausted from the day. i had twisted my ankle that morning, and both my legs were cramping, and i didn't want to go to the concert for a singer i'd never heard of. i watched the end of I, Robot and then watched Minority Report, which i hadn't seen in a long time. i also talked with two sisters who were returning my cell phone charger (they had forgotten theirs) about some of the features to look at when buying a computer to use at college and the pros and cons of a flash memory drive.

Friday morning, our last day, Katie and i packed everything up and got ready for the day. We had one more joined worship session that both bands played at. The main speaker, who i had not really enjoyed up to this point (in fact, i found it impossible not to fall asleep during her message on Wednesday night) talked about meeting the woman she was named after for the first time. i'm named after Christ, so this was an interesting concept for me, i know i will meet Him someday. i wanted to write something about what she said, but i knew i wouldn't remember it even as she said it, and now it's been an entire week. But she said to bloom where God plants you, i remember that.

After the conference we went back to our rooms to make sure we had packed everything, checked our luggage in the lobby, and rode the bus to another area of town. There was some shopping, and a museum, but i mostly sat in the food court and talked to the other girls. One of the things that had been said in You Can Be a Mission Leader is that teen girls feel more comfortable talking about their problems with collegiate women because they just went through high school and some of the same problems. i hadn't gotten to see that much of the teens over the week, most of our activities were the same but entirely separate. i spoke with S. and several other girls about things they were going through. One girl told me about her friend who is anorexic and cutting and she doesn't know what to do about it; she's afraid everyone will hate her if she gets help for her friend and the principal doesn't seem to care. i talked with her for quite a while, wishing i could help her more, because even though i'd had two friends with the same problems (one who cut, one who was anorexic and bullemic) i didn't really know what to do about it still. i've prayed for her, and encouraged her, but ultimately it is always in God's hands.

After lunch we went back to the hotel, got our bags, and rode to the airport. It turned out that Katie had left her bag at the hotel in the lobby (with a t-shirt in it, among other things) and she was upset about it. Our bag was now five pounds overweight, but we were sharing a bag, and the lady didn't charge us. i got online to check my e-mail, listen to some music (i forgot my iPod in the car at the airport parking lot), and kill some time. Jeremy Camp's "Carried Me" had been stuck in my head all day, and it was slowly becoming clear to me that though i felt lost that Christ must be carrying me, for i certainly haven't had the strength to follow Him on my own power as of late. On Tuesday or Wednesday i had started writing a letter to another friend with the same name as S. (but spelled differently) but still haven't gotten around to finishing it and sending it (sorry!). i showed S.'s step-aunt my work on Deviant Art, and it turns out that she likes to paint with oils and liked my drawings in particular. S. was off to Phoenix, but almost everyone else was flying back to Denver on the same flight, but not L. We sat in the back of the plane this time, me reading PoA between a teen and one of the leaders. We had to circle the airport once before landing, which freaked out the girl (she was by the window), but everything was uneventful. Katie and i took a bit of a scenic route from Denver to Idaho Springs, which was beautiful, and then played games that i had missed on Thursday night because i didn't go to the party where t-shirts were being given out that night. We were laughing so hard that at one point that i couldn't breathe. We got home at about 11:30, and i was so tired that i was singing to stay awake and drove straight to Grandma and Grandad's instead of dropping Katie off (she had fallen asleep sometime after Glenwood Springs, where she got tea, then spilled it on herself when we got back in the car).

Saturday was a block party for VBS so i helped Mom out a bit by taking Grandma and Grandad to the house for some sorting, then talked with Mom at the park. Afterwards i went to the theater and ended up seeing OotP with Sam, from work, and meeting her husband for the first time. They changed a lot in the movie (from the book), which didn't make me dislike it, but it was strange.

This week i have been packing, cleaning, and recuperating. On Wednesday morning i had my wisdom teeth removed and now i have chipmunk cheeks and am bruised. Tomorrow i'm flying to Atlanta to drive with Megan and her kids back to Colorado for the cleaning out of the grandparent's house and a yard sale. Tonight i'll be attending a dinner theater with Frankie, and later will buy Deathly Hallows at midnight and most likely stay up all night reading it, before taking the Greyhound to Denver at 5 a.m. so i can make my flight. Of course i just checked to make sure my last paycheck had been deposited to my account and it hadn't, so hopefully that just means that it's being held for me at work. i better head on over there.

feeling rich... for a couple of weeks yet

So i finally got my money back from Full Sail, the day after receiving an insulting financial aid offer (only a month or two late). This week i am working sixty hours and also putting on my timecard the six and a half extra hours of overtime that didn't make it on my timecard last week. i had my teeth cleaned yesterday, will go in again for something to be done to the root that never fell out all the way (that tooth was pulled nine years ago). i also made an appointment for my wisdom teeth removal; they require a third of the money up front (ouch), i may look into their competitor today. i just want this over with.

In other news, my hopes for a puppy were dashed as Andrew doesn't want an indoor dog, but i bought a longboard online for about half the price that it costs at Traz (the local skate/snowboard shop). i want to start running a bit, too, which may be a pipe dream, but i want to eventually take up Parkour.

what i'm knitting ~ done with another part of Katie's Christmas gift, now to make it a pair; next i'll work on the next part of Sammy's gift (i found a pattern)
what i'm listening to ~ my iPod
what i'm reading ~ just finished Sorcerer's Stone, Chamber of Secrets is up next
what i'm watching ~ the next disc for Quantum Leap Season Two and Grey's Anatomy Season Two should arrive in my mailbox later today, Wallace and Gromit were good to me the day before yesterday

tears and falling asleep

On Tuesday morning when i got home from work i found Oreo laying in the living room in an awkward and unusual position. As soon as he heard me he started meowing loudly and with distress. i could see that he was hurting and/or scared and called Mom to let her know that i thought that the cat needed to be put down. She called Grandma for me.

We had been expecting this for a while. Oreo was very old and ever since Christmas he went to being very fat to having skin hanging off him. His fur still looked healthy but for the past month i haven't been able to discern that he was eating at all. i put down bacon and salmon for him (once each, a week apart) and as far as i could tell he didn't eat any of either (the smell of the fish in particular usually brought him running into the room as soon as the can was open). On Sunday afternoon i let him visit me in my room, which was a rarity, it was only the second time he'd been on my bed. The first two times he tried to jump up he missed, he didn't make it up, which i thought was odd but didn't think about since he seemed perfectly normal. He was demanding attention for a while and then took a nap. On Monday he was hiding out per usual, mostly napping, but didn't even pay attention to me.

But on Tuesday morning i could tell that the time was upon him. His body was rigid, particularly his back legs, which he couldn't seem to move. His tail was limp. His front legs were weak, but he could push himself up with a lot of effort. His body seemed to be twisted and frozen in an uncomfortable position. i didn't know if i should pick him up or try to move him. He meowed a lot more if i left him alone or picked him up. His mouth was dry, his breath smelled awful, and he had a weird mucous on his lips. At one point i tried taking him to his water dish but he didn't seem interested in trying to drink and seemed more upset on the tile floor than on the carpet, so i took him back to the living room. i also noticed that his eyes were cloudy and dialated and was pretty sure that he had gone blind. All i could do was sit next to him and cradle his head and touch his front paws (he kneaded against me like a kitten), everything else seemed to distress him, even normal petting.

i was crying a lot. i couldn't stop thinking about watching him be born. i never really got over how much Oreo changed when he started living with Grandma and Grandad. i never hated him, but he was mean for a long time, he wouldn't let me love him. It's only been the past nine months that he's had anything to do with me. And he was in pain, and scared, and i couldn't do anything about it except take him to die.

Mom brought me a check for the vet and i drove him to the hospital. He was very upset during the car ride. i think he's always hated cars, but i also put him in his box and he wanted me to hold him and pet him and i had to drive. i walked in and there was no one else in the waiting room, there was two receptionists that i spoke to and helped me fill out paperwork. A cat jumped up on the counter and was curious about who was in the box. They asked me if i wanted to stay with him, and i said yes, because i did not feel right about just leaving him there when he obviously wanted me with him and had been waiting for me to come home for who knows how long. We talked about whether we wanted to bury him ourselves, or pay them to put him in a general grave, or they could cremate him and give us the ashes (which costs a wopping $75 and change). Having them bury him was the cheapest and easiest option.

i was ushered into an exam room and three people came in: the doctor, a nurse, and someone else who just watched. He (the doctor) talked to me about Oreo's symptoms and looked at him a little bit and explained that they would basically be giving him an overdose of a sedative. He said that as far as they knew it was painless and he would just fall asleep, then die. i said i understood, and i did, i had already known this. The nurse was there to held him down if he struggled, but he was too weak really, so she mostly pet him. The doctor had trouble finding a vein and kept switching legs, but he was already really bad and didn't have much circulation. The nurse said that normally he would be fighting and not like what was going on at all and that he probably would have died pretty soon had i not brought him in. The doctor asked if Oreo was a friendly cat and the nurse and i got a good chuckle out of that (the obvious answer being no). We then talked about Oreo's health declining and the doctor said his symptoms were indicative of diabetes, which was common for a cat his age, and i said that i thought that might have been the case. Somewhere in here i started crying again and we talked about how much of a grump he was.

They finally got a little in him and i could tell right away that he was more comfortable. He stopped fighting, and might have been asleep by then, but he never closed his eyes. The doctor said that he was feeling better but they would have to put it in his heart because his circulation was so bad. The man gave me a tissue and left, the nurse brought more of the drugs and left, and the doctor and me were with Oreo as he died. The doctor had to inject him in his heart twice, but he was alive for quite a while, just breathing peacefully. i kept petting him even though i knew he was probably unconscious and unaware. i could feel his breath on my hand because i was also cupping his face. And then he stopped breathing, and the doctor listened for a heartbeat, and said he was gone. He asked me if i needed time alone with him to say goodbye, and i said no, i had already talked to him before i brought him in. He wrapped him in the towel we had laid him on, and i pet him one last time, and then walked away.

Time had seemed to drag on, but the time from when i found him until when he died actually only took about an hour. i didn't cry for very long after he died, and was sad but relieved at the same time. It's still weird not having him around when i come home or am doing things around the house. It's weird, but i actually miss him.