empty

It has been very difficult for me not to feel worthless and/or unappreciated lately. Megan has been really oversensitive and accusing, my boss has been demanding and for the most part ignores my efforts at work. i have had insomnia for weeks, am still exhausted at the end of every work day, and i have at moments resented others' lack of understanding or caring that i am giving so much and getting so little in return.A few days ago i was sobbing over the dishwater, abhorring the fact that i was acting like my Grandma and feeling the part of the martyr while simultaneously wondering why my life is always like this and why it's been so long since i've cried.

i'm going through several incoherent things all at once. i wish that i could do more, that i was more helpful and stronger. At the same time i feel put upon. i've given up on my dreams again to be here. i know that to the outside world that i always look like i'm just living off my relatives, but what no one ever seems to realize is that i receive little benefit from such arrangements, that i participate in them because i'm trying to have a servant's heart or because i have no other choice. No one looks out for me. My wants and needs fall to the wayside, are ignored because there is little if anything i can do to pursue them, and even trying to is depressing in itself and much more trouble than it's worth. i am not in control of my life, i gave it up a long time ago: it's been about eight years since i gave God full rein to do what He would and said i would trust Him to guide me, provide for me, use me. It is still hard to trust Him, to have faith, but i cannot take control back when i never really had it in the first place.

Throughout all of this i am trying to tell myself that i am really useful, gifted, needed, wanted, when deep down inside i never feel that those things are true. i recently read that if someone gives you a complement that you should never disagree with the person because to do so is to say that you don't trust his/her judgement and is therefore insulting. i always disagree with compliments because i never think that anyone can or should think anything good of me. i'm not a good singer. My writing is nowhere near as good as i'd like it to be and all my stories come from God or something i'm working through in my life. i'm fat. i'm alone.

i'm always alone. Satan always tells me that i'm worthless, and i always believe Him. i tell myself that i'm humbling myself before God. i tell myself that my father has never approved of anything i've ever done in an attempt to find his approval. The only men that say good things about me, encouraging things, are already married and so very unavailable. Not one single man has ever shown the slightest bit of interest in dating me, loving me, marrying me. i am so alone, living out one of my worst fears. Even if i lose weight, started dressing more sexy, wore makeup every day, did my hair every morning, would it matter? What good is it to change who you are in order to attract a man when all you want is to be loved unconditionally for who you are?

So i lie alone in the dark every night unable to sleep, sexually and emotionally frustrated, spiritually bereft. i try to write poems, stories, draw, nothing changes the dark truth or makes it easier to bear. Why would any man want to be with a needy, desperate, depressed girl like me? Oh what i would give to be a stay-at-home wife and mother, to never have to worry ever again about a career, paying bills, supporting myself, and being unhappy for the rest of my life.

i ignore all of this most of the time. i live with it because i must, because it is who i am and i don't know how to change, despite my best efforts. i say that i am not depressed but i don't really know that. i can live for months while ignoring how i truly feel deep inside. i have tried living without a mask but i know this only scares people away. i see little reason to be happy, when i can't support myself, where all of the things i hoped to achieve in my life have never been within my grasp, even attempted. Did i make the wrong choice when i didn't expect my parents to support my dreams when i was fourteen, so i never even brought it up? When i never stepped out in faith and moved to LA no matter what the cost? i've felt like an adult for so long, but even as an adult i am forced to play the part of a child so very often.

God has been silent for nearly eight years. i am nearly twenty-six and i can't believe it. i'm burning, burning, not for any one man, just so empty and unfulfilled inside. i know i should look to God for fulfillment but a husband is meant to represent His love for the Church, or is that backwards? All that i know is that i am in danger of falling into despair and hopelessness that is too deep for rescue. i don't want to give up, i don't want to fail God, but i truly do not know how to go on, how to keep serving Him, how to not give up on all His promises forever. i don't know how to wait for Him, for a husband that may not exist, to be at peace with where my life is. i don't know how to be alone and yet that's all i've ever been. i cannot see Him, hear Him, feel Him, touch Him, taste Him, what good is my faith? It isn't enough, i will surely fail him, and i do not have a Gollum to save me.

i have no friends. i have no social life. i don't know how to let people in, they always hurt me when i try. i want to write about love, life, hope, and i have no business doing so. i have no experience, i have no knowledge, all i have is theories that for all i know are completely wrong and off base. What am i doing???

i don't know how to go on, but i am way beyond such labels. i have felt this way before, not knowing how to get out of bed in the morning and face the world, go to class, go to work, be half of a human being and seem normal. It does not matter what i can or cannot do, for i ran out of tries, of ability, of strength, long ago. What does it matter if i try or give up? i am worthless, remember? It is all out of my hands. i trust God like a fool and huddle in the dark. My spiritual life is so much more real than my physical one, but Satan cannot truly touch me, only mock me with half-truths that betray his fear. Still, i am afraid. i don't know how to do what God is asking of me. i don't know how to get through the night, let alone the next day, week, month, year. i always marvel at the passing of time because i don't know how i have withstood its darkness or retained even a sliver of faith. But just when i think i'm done i decide to keep trying anyway. Like i said, i'm such a fool. Oh well.