yawn

i just left Juco to come to work. San Jac won (hurray!).

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix will now be premiering two days early, on July 11th. The Leaky Cauldron has news about how Rowling has translated the title for book six... very interesting. In the news today (and on TLC as well) a woman is mad because she can't get the Harry Potter books banned from the local school library. She seems to think that everyone's kids are becoming witches. These people really tick me off, for crying out loud, it's make believe, not real, and if it was real to ban these books would be an infringement upon freedom of religion. i don't believe than any books should be banned, no matter what their content is. But if you're gonna ban Harry Potter we might as well ban The Lord of the Rings, Eragon, The Chronicles of Narnia, all fairy tales, mythology, most Disney films, etc. and ad nauseum. For crying out loud, Rowling is a Christian.

On a totally different note, i found out this week that Orlando Bloom is a buddhist. ): He's so cute, and a great actor, and Will Turner is so noble, why's he have to go all weird on me like that? Apparently he's in a sect that some consider to be a cult. It's not like i had a chance with him anyway, but it sort of ruins the effect for me. Oh well.

where i stand (rather, grovel)

So i've been feeling lonely, which is actually somewhat unusual for me. When i'm around people i still feel alone anyway, rarely feel anything but misunderstood and an outcast. i have this crazy inability to feel like i'm actually part of a group or know how to act in one. Sometimes i try so hard to fit in, but it never works, particularly because i am a non-conformist to the depths of my marrow and it always feels forced. i've understood since preschool that it's better to be what God wants you to be than your peers. Even when i want to make people happy it so rarely coincides with what my conscience and intuition are telling me that i always have to ask myself who i should please... God, others, or myself. i don't want to hurt anyone, but how am i supposed to have it every way? i can't.

i don't expect what God is doing in my life to make sense to anyone when it doesn't really make sense to me. For several years now i have embraced the concept that most of the world is mundane, that is to say, they don't pay close attention to God and the spiritual warfare that we are surrounded by. Perhaps this is how God intends most people to be, to be blind to the darkness so they are not afraid. i am not so inclined and am grateful for what he has unlocked in me, even as i live in fear. Many people would probably label me as depressed, maybe even disturbed, but that is not how i think of myself. i am blessed and i am cursed at the same time, and i am happy for it, because i do not want to go back to the way things were... Which is fine, because i don't think i could even if i tried.

i have been called a Drama Queen. To me, this seems an unfair assertion, as i am very easy going, i often roll with the punches instead of making a fuss, and i am not the type to scream or faint while watching the hero grapple with the archenemy: i would instead join in the fight. i am not one to overreact because i am usually too accepting and complacent: i don't fight against what i should, i let people walk all over me rather than cause a fuss, i don't stand up for myself. But things in my life are not so physical as in Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, or Pirates of the Caribbean; what fight against is not understood by the world, and is rarely perceived by human eyes. i fight against the darkness, and i cannot take up a sword, or a wand, etc., i have only my beliefs, my feelings, ideas, and hope. i have only God's Word and God's truth.

It is true, i feel things (emotions) deeply. i am very empathetic: if someone is suffering, i feel their pain as if it is my own, i want to help them. Sorrow can be nearly paralyzing, but it is also empowering. i have long felt that one cannot truly know joy unless one knows despair, nor can one really have hope or faith unless it has been challenged. That is what i am going through, something which some would call a "Dark Night of the Soul," a time like Job went through in which Satan is allowed to do what he will and God is far away. i have no home or barn that could be razed, and i have no children, but it is as if i have the worst luck when it comes to jobs, supporting myself, and keeping a running car. i have no wife to torment me (ha, i would have a husband, but still) but to me it is worse that i have no husband at all. i have no friends to tell me how this is all my fault, but family and acquaintances have done just as bad from time to time. i do not fault anyone in this, it simply is. There was a time in which i didn't care what happened to me, that i was grateful that God thinks that i am strong enough to withstand this, but now i just wish it were over. The past seven and a half years have been extremely difficult, and i have begun to be afraid that i am not strong enough for the task, that i will fail.

It seems to me that people don't really understand this, and as such label it as depression, or something trite. To me, this hurts, but as i have said, i probably take offense too easily. People try to make light of what i'm going through, and i guess i'm like Mary Jane and assert that no one knows what i'm feeling. It's probably true to an extent, i doubt that many have been through this, though prophets and heroes in the Bible are obviously some who have. Others in history that i think this apply to are Joan of Arc and the Lady Jane Grey, but these are rare names that stand out in history. How many people have lived and died by their faith in today's world? Most people live their lives as if God is impersonal and far away; to me He is as necessary as oxygen or water and though He may not be physically tangible i see Him in everything around me, nature, books, movies, casual conversations, music, the news, the list goes on. To me, God has always been evident throughout each day, so to see Him at work around me while simultaneously feeling cut off from Him and caged is torture. i feel like i can't serve Him and am angry with Him even as i long to feel His touch again. Worst of all is trying to talk to Him when it seems like i'm being ignored and that prayer is hopeless.

i know Satan is lying to me. It looks like he is winning in this country, in the world, and i want to fight back, but it's not in my power. This isn't about what i want, it's about what God wants, and what He wants is not something i really understand. Why should i have to wait when i am ready to do whatever it takes? Even Jane ruled for nine days and Joan won many battles before they were imprisoned. i have never had the chance to pursue my dreams, i have yet to begin to fight, which is what makes this so hard. i don't want to watch a hero fighting for me, i want to help him, but i am not even allowed to fight. i have to withstand the taunts and insults that are hurled at me.

i struggle with this on many levels. i don't want to give the darkness power over me. The mundane do not understand what i'm going through, probably think i'm making it up or being overdramatic. How can i witness at all when i am full of so much despair and anger towards God, that i'm having to go through this and am feeling so misunderstood, when i'm supposed to always be ready to give a reason for my hope? It's hard for me to read the Bible right now, to see all of God's promises and then see how devoid my life is from that hope. i still believe every word, i know my Redeemer is faithful and true. How do i reconcile this? Because i recognize Satan, how he loves to twist truth into lies, and i know that my faith is being tested. If they aren't true in my life right now are they never true? No, they are always true, but sometimes we have to wait. And as much as i hate it, i still lack patience.

i feel like a fool to hope, but still i do it. The entire world tells me that i am stupid, but i know it's not true. Things are hard, but God will bring me through it because that is what He has promised, to never leave me or forsake me. i am tired, body and soul, and i cannot explain it, but it is true. It has always been true and always will be.

i wish i could write more, but i'm too tired to make sense right now.

"It is but a shadow and a thought that you love. I cannot give you what you seek."
~ Aragorn

Soul Surfer

I used to be an optimist. I don't feel like i've really been one now for a couple of years. I bring this up because one of the books i read on the campout was Bethany Hamilton's Soul Surfer. I remember hearing about her arm getting bit off the summer of the shark attacks. Later i heard she was a Christian. I suggested Mom buy her book for Katie as a Christmas present. And now i've finally read it.

I really enjoyed reading this book. I've dreamt of going to Hawaii and learning how to surf for longer than i can remember. And it was cool to read about a young Christian who's passionately on fire for God despite difficult circumstances that are in her life. She thinks that it's important to remain upbeat and optimistic no matter what life throws you. And i feel guilty because i whine so much and focus on the waves instead of Jesus.

I know that i have few physical impediments to overcome, but i know that God gave me this test because it would be the hard one. If he would have given me cancer i don't think i would have minded half so much. The real test for me is waiting. I don't want to wait. I want to be in the arena, the ring, the battle, right now! And to me it's as if God is saying "No, not yet, wait," and that's the last thing i want to do. It's not logical to me.

It's a constant tug of war for me. With one eye i have given everything to God and am fully trusting Him; with the other i am looking around me, terrified, because i am totally out of control. Overall i'm pretty blind. I can see that God's working around me, i just can't feel Him, and progress seems excruciatingly slow to me. So one part of me thinks "finally, some progress!" while the other whines "what's taking so long?!?" My family thinks that i'm "spinning wheels" and going nowhere. It seems that no one understands just what it is that i'm going through... It's like i'm begging God "Here am i, send me!" and He keeps saying "no" so i am bereft. I have no delusions of gradeur, i want to do whatever God wants me to do, i just don't understand why He would promise me something and then close all the doors... unless He's testing me.

But i feel like i'm in a cage. I feel like i'm shouting in here and no one hears me. I know He hears me, but it's like He's ignoring me, and it's gotten to the point that i'm so tired of repeating myself that i'm tired of saying anything. I know He hears me anyway, but i don't know how to ask anymore. I've asked so many times for so long and to no avail. When will the answer ever be yes?

This month marks (approximately) my eighteenth birthday as a daughter of the King. I know that i am nothing without Him, that without Jesus my life would be meaningless and overwhelmed by the follies of a sinful lifestyle. I'm so grateful that He chose me, that He has dreams that are so much bigger than the ones i can even imagine.

I'm just afraid that i'm missing something, that i'm not saying the right words or that i'm not asking forgiveness for the right sins. I can't find anything in my life that's blocking Him. I know that i'm a sinner, but so much of what i am is what this period of my life has shaped me into. I know that might sound like a cop out but it's true. How can i know who to be if He does not clearly show me? I can only guess and hope. It's been six and a half years of darkness, and He's been so silent that i've become afraid that when i can feel Him again i will be overwhelmed with the light. I'm afraid that i'm praying the wrong things. I'm afraid that i'm making the wrong choices. I'm afraid that i've already messed up too much and it's too late for any of my dreams to come true; not that God has let me down... but that i've let Him down.

Satan and his minions laugh at me. I'm more scared of him than i should be. He's obviously scared of me, he's given me such a hard time. I know that i can do anything when Christ is giving me the strength. But at the same time i can't do anything if He doesn't give me the strength, and i don't feel like i have much strength anymore. I keep trusting that somehow He's going to make it okay, but i can't help but wonder if i've already let him down or if i will because i don't have the strength to hold on anymore. Does 1 Corinthians 10:13 apply in situations like this? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I feel dead. I don't know how to lift up my cross and follow Him. I don't know how to get up off the ground. I don't know how to reflect God's love to others. I don't know how He could use someone like me. I just pray that He will use me (because i know He can; He can do anything). I just try to pray that He'll give me the strength to get through this.

I don't know how to be positive. I don't know how to be optimistic. God will get me through this, i believe that: but i'm going through hell to get there. Earth is the closest that Christians get to Hell: lately it's been way too close for my liking. And try as i might, i can't think up any words to make things better.

I don't want to be Frodo. I don't want to give in to the dark once i've finally reached my destination. I don't want to give up on life and happiness and succumb to grief once the dark is past. I want to shine. I want to burn with an overwhelming passion for Jesus. I want to love with God's love. I know a lot of Christians probably think i'm off the deep end, that no one should worry about what God thinks and wants so much... I'm not sure what to say to them. All i know is what i feel God has taught me in the past. I think He wants me to take up my cross daily and follow Him. I think He wants me to dedicate even the small stuff to Him. I don't think He wants me to sweat it; i think He wants me to trust Him in all things.

I know i'm not very articulate. I just want God to use me. I love Him so much it hurts. I don't know how to deal with the pain. I hope you can sort of understand that and why i act the way i do, why i write what i write. I'm just trying to please Him. I really wish i knew how. And i know i should read my Bible more but i'm scared that He won't speak to me that way, either (it seems like usually even when i do read, He still doesn't show me what to do). I just miss Him and don't know what else to do. I'm trying so hard. I know it's not enough.

God has a weird sense of humor. He does. It's so funky i'd almost call Him morbid.

I've just been thinking a lot lately about where i am in life. I'm so sad and overwhelmed and p.o.'d but i still trust Him. My life is seriously messed up but i keep on loving Him and keep on trying to serve Him and no one understands what i'm going through except the One i'm the most angry with: Him. Oh, people will sometimes try to understand (unless they're closed and think i'm not really going through anything at all) but no one really understands. They can't.

Who could understand how i feel honored and chastised by Him at the same time? How i'm perfectly content yet overwhelmingly sad all at once? I feel deeply: that's what i asked Him to give me. I asked Him not to give me patience and that's what He decided to teach me, too. And people tell me to "hang in there" and "it will be all right" and it isn't. I'm the persistant one, i'm the one who's been willingly and not-so-willingly waiting for five and a half years. No matter how hard things get i still turn to Him, but i've discovered that no matter how much i've already been through things can still get worse. And i know He's allowing these things to happen to me, but i also know that He is my only hope. So i wait.

Right now i have only a few cents to my name. I'm sitting in the library media center typing this out, listening to Avril Lavigne or whoever else pops up next on Launch, am wearing one of my three Quizno's shirts, my only pair of cargos, and my beat up sneakers. I probably reek of subs but i can't smell it anymore. I'm exhausted in so many different ways. Around my neck is a silver chain with two rings hanging from it. One is my "Lord of the Rings ring" and the other: my True Love Waits ring.

For a couple of weeks now i've been wearing my TLW ring around my neck and playing with it, kissing it, holding it. And here is how God has been so ironic: you see my TLW ring looks kinda like the One Ring. Every time i've attended a LotR event in costume i've worn it like this and people have always assumed that it was a replica of the One Ring. The ring originally stood for my virginity, my saving myself for my Imzadi (my future husband), but it's become so much more. Everything this ring stands for is part of me now and has become a burden, one that i willingly bear. It's come through every day with me, either on my left ring finger or around my neck, and it doesn't stand for merely my chastity anymore: it stands for my relationship with God.

I'm waiting for Him because i love Him. Most people don't understand that, they tell me "God helps those who helps themselves" and other well-meant fallacies and they totally miss what God's whispering to me right now, what i've been trying to share with everyone. Even though i can't see Him, He's still here. Even though i can't feel His hand in mine, He's still leading me. Even though i can't hear Him, He's still teaching me. And even though the one thing i want more than anything is to go (Here am i Lord, send me!) He's asking me to wait.

I know that i could never have loved Him if He hadn't loved me first, but i love him ever so desperately. I am furious with Him and hate Him and He's hurt me more than words can say but i still love Him so much that i just cannot help but keep coming back for more. Whatever He wants i'll do it. I'm so weak that i may not be able to, but i'll try my hardest and He'll do the rest. And though i am utterly perplexed and my heart is in a million pieces and i hardly recognize myself or my life anymore i know that He is in control.

People don't want to hear the truth. The truth hurts. But truth is my only freedom right now. Everything around me weighs me down but i'm free anyway, trying ever so hard to run, to fly. I am so annoyed by my life and the people who refuse to accept me as i am but somehow i cannot hate them anyway. I hate what they do to me, how they make me feel, the lies they tell me, the way they push me back down in the mud, but i'm trying to love them anyway. Sometimes it's too much and i lash out at them: it's so hard when all day every day people are trying to push me down. But i don't want to be down anymore. I want to be who God wants me to be and that's all that matters.

I didn't know God would bring me here. Somehow i knew deep down that i wasn't really happy but i didn't know how to get free. I kinda know now but He's still teaching me, still molding me. I hate some of the things i've been through, but i'd rather live this life than the lie i had. It's such a relief to be myself, to know exactly what i want, to be able to take comfort in the things that God has given me. He's shown me so much. There are so many things that He will use in our lives if only we will let Him. Most people try to fit Him in a box and control our own life by telling Him what we think we should have when in reality He is so much more awesome if we will let Him show us the storm.

I'd rather have this pain and be weird than be safe and ordinary. Sure, it's scary, but i know i'm perfectly safe in His arms. I'm not afraid of the dark anymore, or the swollen waves, or the pain: He's closer because of them. That's why i am who i am and do what i do, because i have abandoned all else for Him. He's all that matters.

Don't like what i have to say? Too bad. I never shut up.

Okay, apparently Aunt Polly feels that all i do here is whine. What's up with that? Why is it that everyone always seems to think that my feelings aren't valid?

Anyways, the past few weeks have been really hard for me. I haven't been able to find a job and am hating my current one more than ever. I seriously do not know how i got through last week. I was very upset with God because my praying seemed to be getting me nowhere. I am so tired of my life being hard.

And then yesterday i realized that i was whining to God (though not here). I know life isn't supposed to be easy but it sure would be nice if it were easier at least for a little while! The great thing is that God understands how i feel and actually enjoys talking with me (even when i'm screaming at Him (: ). He's blessed me with a reconnection with an old friend (Little One and i have been conversing every day! It's so nice having an honest conversation with someone who will actually encourage me and be understanding instead of critical) but my car has been unreliable as ever (though Mom and Dad say they'll pay for my car's repairs). I don't know if i'll get to go to the Rennaissance Faire in Raleigh this weekend with the NCFellowship as i want to ): but i am trying to buckle under (take it like a woman!!!) and work through things.

I have no idea how to keep going on like this but i also don't know what God wants me to do so i'm very uneasy about all of this. I just want to Run Away!!! but maybe He wants me to use the Holy Hand Grenade or something. Anyways, it's all very confusing cuz i've been trying to do the right stuff and nothin's workin'. Still, i've decided that i at least need to be trying to do His will even if i do feel like i'm way past the end of my rope!

Have to go, but i will keep you (is anyone there?) posted... Er, blogged.

Well, my sis (Megan), her husband (Andrew), and her dog (Moby) came to visit last night and we got to see the Two Towers Special Extended Edition! I was supposed to go to the NCFellowship moot to watch it this weekend but my ride had to cancel at the last minute, so i thought i wasn't going to get to see it until right before my first viewing of Return of the King on Trilogy Tuesday. (: I was praying that i'd get to see it this weekend, and lo and behold Megan suggests out of the blue that we go rent it! It was totally a God-thing. We split the cost and stayed up until 1:30 a.m. but it was definitely worth it. I like a lot of the stuff that got cut out (and is now back in) but am still digesting it: i'm not sure whether i prefer the theatrical version or the S.E.E. yet... Time will tell.

Well, that's about it: hope everyone has a great weekend (myself included)!

Thursday: one week until Thanksgiving, twenty-six days until i see Return of the King, and an hour or so away from seeing my sister (she can't come down for Thanskgiving because she's working so she's visiting today and tomorrow instead). I spilled garlic spread all over my pants today at work. But i was in a really good mood all day; so good of a mood that i was getting on my boss' nerves, not to mention little Juanita's (there are two Juanitas at work, big Juanita and little Juanita). Looking forward to eating some Pumpkin Pie tonight (but i have to wait for the turkey and stuffing).

Should the U.S. go to war against Iraq without the U.N.'s approval? I was watching MSNBC tonight where two Congressmen and two to three dozen Americans were debating that very question. All of them were extremely articulate individuals, and most of them argued/debated their position well, but as always it struck me how many people claimed that President Bush had not made his case against Hussein. I'm always amazed when people say this, particularly since i feel like Hussein has made the case against himself and that Bush has done a remarkably good job putting it into words for the rest of us who aren't convinced. And then i had a brainblast.

Throughout the entire discussion MSNBC was scrolling poll results and pertaining news at the bottom of the screen. The opinions of people as to whether or not we should go to war are remarkedly split down the middle. Most poll results were 47% (yes) to 43% (no) with similar numbers in the U.S. as well as in other countries (the international polls being seperate but have nearly identical results). I haven't been following the news much since i moved here (it's a passion of mine and i think that those around me get irritated if i state my opinions too much so i've been trying not to get worked up about it) but people are still saying the same things now that they were six months ago even though the "war effort" (for lack of a better term) has gradually progressed (excrusiatingly slowly) in that time to what it now is (at a feverish pitch that is nearly impossible to ignore).

So that's when i had my brainblast and realized: nothing anyone says is going to change these people's opinions. I mean, if what happened on September 11th won't convince you, and the President's articulate presentation of the U.S.'s case repeatedly over the past few months won't do it then what will? And then i had another brainblast. You see, my sister Megan (read about her at her blogspot) was reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, the fourth book in the Harry Potter series (and my favorite) next to me. I've just finished reading it for the third time and it got me thinking about how these books speak about what's happening in today's world just as the Lord of the Rings and other great books have (and do repeatedly over the years). Here's what i was thinking of specifically (for those of you who don't read the books or just need a reminder)...

Voldemort (the bad guy) has come back to power. He "beamed" Harry to a cemetery using a portkey and basically came back to life/got his powers back right before Harry's eyes. The experience is tramatic for our boy wizard (and understandably so), but when Harry gets back to safety he vocally relives the horrific experience for his mentor Dumbledore with such detail and information (that would otherwise have been hidden from him) that Dumbledore can not doubt the verasity of Harry's words. Unfortunately, Fudge does doubt them.

Fudge is the Minister of Magic (it's the equivalent of Prime Minister or President for the wizarding world's government in Britain). He isn't a very able wizard for the job, but Dumbledore couldn't take the position so he did (and has asked for Dumbledore's advice often). But when Fudge is presented with the evidence that Voldemort has come back to power he won't believe it. He thinks that just because Voldemort lost his powers some thirteen years earlier that he can't possible become powerful again and as such chooses to ignore the facts (even hide them from his constituants) because of his fear. Dumbledore then activates a choice group of individuals (the Order of the Phoenix?) who have been watchfully waiting for such a horrific event and are ready to jump into action and fight evil when need be (which is now).

That's where we are as a country today (as Americans). We've been threatened, we've been at war with this madman before, he's been busy since then, and still some of us choose to ignore the threat because they don't believe the evidence that is before their eyes. I was just at a Christian Tolkien Fans chat about two weeks ago and someone had invited a friend to join us who (upon the mention of a possible war with Iraq) immedietely began slandering our President! He/she apologized for it later (because they were entirely out of line) but it just appalled me how some people can think that President Bush is incompetent and a madman when in fact he is only trying to exercise his God-given duty to protect the citizens of this country and the rest of the world.

I cannot say anything to convince any of you that we should go to war (at least, i don't think i can... (: ); i don't think i'll try. I'm not promising that i'll never have a rant about it, but that's not what the point of this blog is right now. You see, despite some people's claims that this war is just an example of religious extremism and a pro-economic excuse for a smoke screen (funny: the some people who believe that one think Bush isn't worried about the econonmy... oh! back to my point...) i think that one thing that this country (indeed, the world) should agree upon is that we need to pray. We need to pray a lot.

Praying is hard for me right now. I feel abandoned and betrayed by God. But still: i know that when things get tough there is but one recourse, there is but one thing for me to do... I get on my knees. "See I don't know how but there's power when I'm on my knees" (Jaci Velasquez). I hope that you get on your knees, too, because that's one power we do have right now: the power of prayer. I can't change the world, or this country and the millions of people who live here, but God can: i only hope that He'll use me in the process.

"...If my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and heal their land."
2 Chronicles 7:14