New Year's resolutions of a sort

i do not normally make New Year's resolutions: i figure that there is no point in putting off until the New Year to start improving upon something that needs fixing today. i've been fighting to fix things in my life for over a decade now, so this post is more of a State of the Lunacy speech. It's been an arduous journey, stumbling around in the dark trying to figure out the answers to questions that seem to have no answers, trying to figure out God's will when He has been so very silent. i'm sorry to say that i don't pursue God as keenly as i once did: i realized a long time ago that the harder i sought Him the more i fell apart when i didn't find Him. i used to blame Him for that, for my inability to find Him, because i was always taught that He would come running when i called. When that proved to not necessarily be the case, my whole life fell apart. Some people would call my opinions towards how God works to be sacrilegious, but i think that very often we take God's Word out of context. We're all stumbling around in the dark whether we realize it or not, and there's no way that any one person has all the answers while they're here on earth, otherwise what would be the point in continuing to live? If you aren't striving and learning then you're wasting precious life.

There were many things that i had to come to terms with in order to reach this point. My quarter life crisis hit me hard, and in many ways is still hitting me. i have no career. i have no relationship prospects. i had to get over Brad and then come to terms with the fact that i was willing to give him so very much that compromised parts of myself that i never wanted to compromise. Because i have no experience in dating or love i didn't realize what i was doing, i was completely blind. It didn't help matters that the man that i fell in love with turned out to be nothing like i thought he was and that i had been ignoring the small warning signs. i'm glad that i didn't end up with Brad now, but it took me a long time to reach this point, i still cannot say that i am entirely over him. It would be very hard for me to articulate just how very much i long to be in a marriage relationship, to not be alone, and where i have slid to as a result without losing all integrity. Yes, i am still a virgin, but i still feel sullied because of how much i gave emotionally and how much lust that i'm trying to deal with right now. i have no idea how to come to grips with my sexuality when i am single and trying to live a pure life, the entire "just ignore it" thing that the church has going on isn't helping me. i've also come to realize that i have some rather unrealistic expectations when it comes to marriage, that i've bought into the chick flick mentality a bit too much.

So my first two resolutions for this year are to more actively seek God again and surrender my lustful urges to Him in an attempt to confine them to His will and guidelines.

One of the most obvious external indicators of the changes that have happened in my life over the past year and a half is my body. It has taken me a very, very long time to come to grips with my weight. The truth is that i thought i was fat since i was about eight or nine, largely because that's what my peers told me and it seemed as if my mother thought she was fat. When i was Katie's age and size i hid my body and lived in humiliation because i did not understand what i had done to become fat or why i couldn't lose the weight. What i did not understand at the time was that i wasn't fat, my body just looked different than the ones i saw around me because i was athletic and big boned and more padded than the stick straight anorexic look that most people seem to go for these days. i would love to have my body from high school back again, but the little known truth is that our body's shape and size is not what determines our happiness. Our weight only has as much power as we give it, we don't have to be obsessed with losing those 10-15 pounds that we don't need to lose no matter how much society is screaming at us to do so. Is it more important to look like a model or be healthy?

i feel vastly healthier than i did after Brad and i broke up, which was at a point in my life where i was depressed and didn't care about taking care of my body. The ironic thing is that, my first big jump in weight gain, i was depressed but trying very hard to take care of my body, i just wasn't going about it in the right way. i have fought very hard not to gain more weight than i have. The things that i blame the most on my weight gain are depression and insomnia, even more than eating junk food or anything else, because i have almost always been active. i used to think that there was something wrong with my body because i didn't lose weight when i dieted and worked out. More sacrilege? Still, it's the truth. i'm starting to wonder if it's all the unnecessary chemicals and growth hormones that are in all the food at the local grocery store that have caused my body to not maintain a healthy weight.

So my next two resolutions are to reapply myself to eating less high fructose corn syrup, unnecessary chemicals--and instead buy natural and organic foods as much as possible--and to reapply myself to my training. i think i've finally come to a place where i am truly happy with my body but know that i have to keep fighting to lose more weight. i will never be the same size as Megan, and i'll probably never be the same size as Katie again, but maybe i can get below 200 pounds and get back into size 14 or 16 and just be healthy and happy. To that end i believe that i'll start training for Olympic length triathlons but only compete in Sprint length ones until i can improve my performance... say at least come in the top 75%! lol

My last three resolutions are to expand my social circle, write more, and balance my selfless and self-protective natures.

i have always felt a bit socially awkward, and to be honest playing WoW has exacerbated that. Throwing myself into the game, i thought i had a lot of friends, when in reality they were just nicer to me than most people are. There was no real connection or hold between us. Everything there has fallen apart time and again, and there's always two or three jerks that have to bring out the worst in me. One of the reasons that i didn't make a very good actress is because i was afraid to look bad: Emma Thompson and David Tennant have proven to me that the ugly parts of a person can make them all the more beautiful. i need to stop caring so much about what people say about me because very often they do it just to get a rise out of me and it makes me uglier than if i would have let it slide off my back.

So i'm quitting WoW, probably for good, and that was part of the deal i made with God when i decided to apply for the job at WoW.com: i have been considering leaving the game for a long time, and i promised Him that if i didn't get the job that i would finally quit the game. i want to try to make more friends my own age, or maybe just within my own interests. Let's face it, i am and have been and will always be a geek. Gaming will just become a smaller part of my life, just as it always was before i took up WoW. Now i will seek relationships based on shared faith, or interest in reading/writing, or in knitting, or in triathlons. Of course i also have two more semesters of school to get through, and a lot of what i can accomplish will depend on what my school-load is like.

i have been so grateful with my friendship with Katie these past few months. i also hate being sick, and cannot wait for this stupid cold to go away and the semester to start so i can start training again. i have several knitting projects that i'm looking forward to working on soon. i'm trying to make healthy choices and continue to grow as we enter a new decade... even though that decade technically doesn't begin until a year from now. (;

so irritating

Was looking for a forum or blog about being a virgin... there is WAY too much out there that screams that there's something wrong with someone if they're a virgin at my age, that you must be ugly, stink, or brainwashed by a repressive religion. i am so tired of being single, but have no prospects, never have had any prospects except for the once (and we all know how that turned out). i am a virgin by choice, and it doesn't mean that i have no sex drive! i am very frustrated and really, really want to meet the right guy and get married already!!! But i am also committed to making sure that i find the man that God wants me to marry and remaining pure until we are married. I WANT A MALE VIRGIN THAT DOESN'T HAVE MORE BAGGAGE THAN I DO. i'm sick of the warped mindset that pervades our culture. Casual or premarital sex of any kind is not good, sex is sacred.

The more i think about Brad, the more i want him... Why? Because i am so desperate to not be alone and he is the ONLY guy who has EVER shown the slightest interest in me. Okay, there was one guy who was nice to me last semester, but as it turned out he has a baby with his girlfriend. The problem is that i'm sure that Brad isn't right for me but i still love him anyway and i am way too desperate, no matter how hard i try to be patient, it just doesn't work. So basically, i'm either feeling like there's no hope at all, why even bother looking, or feel hopeful but so impatient that i am borderline desperate. Is it too much to ask for to find a guy who loves God and me enough to wait?

searching for a husband

Looking for Love Like a Peasant

Subversive Virginity

For months i have been trying to figure out what i did wrong in my one and only dating relationship (HA! there was no dating involved). My ex was utterly uncommunicative on this point, he merely let me know that being interested in how he is doing is "nagging" and being honest about how i feel and expecting him to treat me with respect is "excuses." i keep seeing these ads for an e-book that will reveal how to catch and keep a man... i just get the nagging feeling that the man who wrote the book is saying that all failed relationships are the woman's fault. i don't want to pay to read that; i can't afford to.

So the Christian sites say to be modest... check. Feminine... not my strong point, but i am trying. Though i have always wondered what the point is in wearing makeup, curling your hair, etc., when you're only hiding the real you and i happen to like the way the real me looks save for the fact that i wish i weighed a lot less. i cannot control this, i didn't do anything to gain the weight, and all my attempts to lose it have proven to be an utter failure, even now when i am working so very hard at it. i don't understand the dating game, i have no prospective men in my life, i have no idea what to do, only that i am still far to obsessed with my ex and am wondering why, if "giving up" is supposed to be the answer then i still haven't found anyone??? After all, i never pursued dating relationships in high school or beyond, i never was trying as it was, and i did give up for a long time, which completely broke my heart, so if i'm damned if i do and damned if i don't then what am i supposed to do???

How are you supposed to live your life for what it is today when you have... nothing? i am a peasant, what do i bring to a marriage? i can't find a job. My education will bring nothing to a marriage, i learned how to be a wife and mother from my mother and grandmother. How am i supposed to live the life a wife and homemaker when i have no husband or home? Such a supposition is utterly ridiculous!

One of the articles i read tonight said that you don't need to wait for God's timing to find a husband, that one isn't single because they aren't spiritually ready yet... then why am i still waiting? Why is it that only one eligible male has displayed interest in me throughout my entire adult life, and he obviously didn't really want me and for some inexplicable reason felt like destroying my already fragile self esteem? No, i do not count the attention of the one "Wiccan/Christian" guy that was recently introduced to me because he is in no way eligible.

i don't have a bunch of things that i have accomplished, things i can bring to a relationship, because the one relationship i had never really was one. He didn't reciprocate my feelings, emotionally abused me, never took me on a date or treated me as if i were special. i hate talking about him this way, i keep searching for some explanation (surely there is a reasonable one), but i can't find it. The truth is that he hid my existence from his family and friends, broke his promises, and used me. Sure, he made me laugh, he gave me hope, he came to meet me, but it wasn't enough. A lady needs to know that she is respected, cherished, protected, etc. i still haven't found that.

Where am i supposed to find a guy? Another article suggested going to sports bars, taking night classes, learning how to play poker, and other loads of tripe. i don't like football, i don't want a leering, half drunk male. College has gotten me nowhere with men. i don't gamble. While it is true that i would like to marry a man who is educated, why would i use college as a dating service? i'm there to learn (one can only hope).

i am so tired of waiting. i do not want to hear that it will happen for me eventually, i have already been waiting for over a decade. i do not want to reach the age of thirty only to discover that i am still single and childless. i am not accomplishing anything by being single, i am not able to travel the world, party all night, or anything else that is utterly unfulfilling. i hate being a virgin, i hate burning and trying not to burn and being so stupid as to think that random men and movie stars might one day swoop down and make my waiting worthwhile. If it hasn't happened in the past decade then why would it suddenly happen once i turn 27? It's all such utter b.s. It doesn't matter if i'm thin or fat, if my hair is long or short, if i wear feminine clothing or masculine, none of it has ever gotten me anywhere. i have never had a prospective mate and not for lack of trying (it is now clear that with my ex i was only fooling myself because he did nothing to imply that he actually wanted to marry me).

How is it good for anyone's self esteem to always be the one wanting and never the one wanted, or if i was ever wanted, why have i never ever been pursued? i am so tired of pursuing everyone and everything, God, a husband, a friend, a healthy body, happiness, a story to write, a job, a ministry, anything to make my life worthwhile. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" (Proverbs 13:12), and as a result i am very, very sick. Everything in my life is deferred, i am continually waiting because everything that i pursue, sweat, bleed, and cry for, never ever comes to fruition. i'm living in my parent's attic with thousands of dollars of debt trying to get an education and be selfless, serving the needs of others, how is it helping?

How can i have such horribly bad luck? But i don't believe in luck. "Delight yourself in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4)... only He doesn't. When have i ever gotten the desire of my heart? The last time i can think of was in preschool when i got to be the bunny rabbit in the stupid Christmas pageant, how does someone devote over twenty years of service to God and not get any of their heart's desires fulfilled?!? i feel like i've wasted my entire life, but what was i supposed to do? i love God, i adore Him, i will do anything for Him that He asks, and what have i gotten for it?

i don't want to be selfish: i just want to find a way to survive. i am tired of being depressed, of wondering if i'm going crazy when i feel so sane and normal. i am tired of being so alone when i'm trying so hard to make friends and fulfill others' expectations. i try so hard to fulfill God's expectations, even though i really have no idea what they are anymore. i am so lost. i am exhausted.

Is it too much to ask for a little reward for my hard work?

empty

It has been very difficult for me not to feel worthless and/or unappreciated lately. Megan has been really oversensitive and accusing, my boss has been demanding and for the most part ignores my efforts at work. i have had insomnia for weeks, am still exhausted at the end of every work day, and i have at moments resented others' lack of understanding or caring that i am giving so much and getting so little in return.A few days ago i was sobbing over the dishwater, abhorring the fact that i was acting like my Grandma and feeling the part of the martyr while simultaneously wondering why my life is always like this and why it's been so long since i've cried.

i'm going through several incoherent things all at once. i wish that i could do more, that i was more helpful and stronger. At the same time i feel put upon. i've given up on my dreams again to be here. i know that to the outside world that i always look like i'm just living off my relatives, but what no one ever seems to realize is that i receive little benefit from such arrangements, that i participate in them because i'm trying to have a servant's heart or because i have no other choice. No one looks out for me. My wants and needs fall to the wayside, are ignored because there is little if anything i can do to pursue them, and even trying to is depressing in itself and much more trouble than it's worth. i am not in control of my life, i gave it up a long time ago: it's been about eight years since i gave God full rein to do what He would and said i would trust Him to guide me, provide for me, use me. It is still hard to trust Him, to have faith, but i cannot take control back when i never really had it in the first place.

Throughout all of this i am trying to tell myself that i am really useful, gifted, needed, wanted, when deep down inside i never feel that those things are true. i recently read that if someone gives you a complement that you should never disagree with the person because to do so is to say that you don't trust his/her judgement and is therefore insulting. i always disagree with compliments because i never think that anyone can or should think anything good of me. i'm not a good singer. My writing is nowhere near as good as i'd like it to be and all my stories come from God or something i'm working through in my life. i'm fat. i'm alone.

i'm always alone. Satan always tells me that i'm worthless, and i always believe Him. i tell myself that i'm humbling myself before God. i tell myself that my father has never approved of anything i've ever done in an attempt to find his approval. The only men that say good things about me, encouraging things, are already married and so very unavailable. Not one single man has ever shown the slightest bit of interest in dating me, loving me, marrying me. i am so alone, living out one of my worst fears. Even if i lose weight, started dressing more sexy, wore makeup every day, did my hair every morning, would it matter? What good is it to change who you are in order to attract a man when all you want is to be loved unconditionally for who you are?

So i lie alone in the dark every night unable to sleep, sexually and emotionally frustrated, spiritually bereft. i try to write poems, stories, draw, nothing changes the dark truth or makes it easier to bear. Why would any man want to be with a needy, desperate, depressed girl like me? Oh what i would give to be a stay-at-home wife and mother, to never have to worry ever again about a career, paying bills, supporting myself, and being unhappy for the rest of my life.

i ignore all of this most of the time. i live with it because i must, because it is who i am and i don't know how to change, despite my best efforts. i say that i am not depressed but i don't really know that. i can live for months while ignoring how i truly feel deep inside. i have tried living without a mask but i know this only scares people away. i see little reason to be happy, when i can't support myself, where all of the things i hoped to achieve in my life have never been within my grasp, even attempted. Did i make the wrong choice when i didn't expect my parents to support my dreams when i was fourteen, so i never even brought it up? When i never stepped out in faith and moved to LA no matter what the cost? i've felt like an adult for so long, but even as an adult i am forced to play the part of a child so very often.

God has been silent for nearly eight years. i am nearly twenty-six and i can't believe it. i'm burning, burning, not for any one man, just so empty and unfulfilled inside. i know i should look to God for fulfillment but a husband is meant to represent His love for the Church, or is that backwards? All that i know is that i am in danger of falling into despair and hopelessness that is too deep for rescue. i don't want to give up, i don't want to fail God, but i truly do not know how to go on, how to keep serving Him, how to not give up on all His promises forever. i don't know how to wait for Him, for a husband that may not exist, to be at peace with where my life is. i don't know how to be alone and yet that's all i've ever been. i cannot see Him, hear Him, feel Him, touch Him, taste Him, what good is my faith? It isn't enough, i will surely fail him, and i do not have a Gollum to save me.

i have no friends. i have no social life. i don't know how to let people in, they always hurt me when i try. i want to write about love, life, hope, and i have no business doing so. i have no experience, i have no knowledge, all i have is theories that for all i know are completely wrong and off base. What am i doing???

i don't know how to go on, but i am way beyond such labels. i have felt this way before, not knowing how to get out of bed in the morning and face the world, go to class, go to work, be half of a human being and seem normal. It does not matter what i can or cannot do, for i ran out of tries, of ability, of strength, long ago. What does it matter if i try or give up? i am worthless, remember? It is all out of my hands. i trust God like a fool and huddle in the dark. My spiritual life is so much more real than my physical one, but Satan cannot truly touch me, only mock me with half-truths that betray his fear. Still, i am afraid. i don't know how to do what God is asking of me. i don't know how to get through the night, let alone the next day, week, month, year. i always marvel at the passing of time because i don't know how i have withstood its darkness or retained even a sliver of faith. But just when i think i'm done i decide to keep trying anyway. Like i said, i'm such a fool. Oh well.

i am a virgin, part 4

i have been avoiding writing. What is there to say that hasn't been said before? This is why i don't journal anymore, why i don't go to church, because i am tired of pursuing God without reciprocation. i'm tired of doubting God, of being mad at Him for not keeping His promises, for feeling guilty because i'm mad at Him, because i am weak, because i am not doing enough to serve Him. i am exhausted.

i also think that i no longer believe in corporate worship as it largely exists in the U.S. today. In Acts and Roman it seems to me that the Spirit moves most powerfully in homes, not in a church building. Why should we spend so much on a building, on having a fake garden on stage, on the church workers, when we could meet in homes, at parks, and send all of that money to people who desperately need it for food, housing, clothing, health care? It feels like a vicious cycle when so few serve and are forced to do all the work. But i don't know how to find people who want to worship in the same way i do, who feel called to serve, to change the looming fate of a nation. Maybe it's too late, maybe Jesus' return is right around the corner, but i still struggle to be the optimist and fight against the pessimism that i am flooded with when i attend a worship service where so few sing and the sermon is about jokes instead of God's truth.

Quitting college has been such a relief for me. i never wanted to attend Mesa State, i never felt like i fit in there, that it was the right place, but i haven't known what else to do, where else to go. It kills me that i cannot support myself and that my life seems to be going nowhere. But as much as i appreciate my new freedom my loneliness has only become more pronounced. At school i had a few classmates that i connected with, and i would talk to them, see them three times a week. Right after i quit classes i started talking to RobG more, as i relieve him as MCO, but he complains a lot, and we have little in common. My granparents have finally been moved into assisted living (praise God) and i have an empty house with a cat that only barely tolerates me. So i am not paying my own way, i'm in so much debt from going to a school that was a waste of time, i have no friends, and now i'm thinking about moving cross country and going deeper into debt?

It's scary, to feel like God wants me to go to Florida on a whim, on faith, when at the same time i feel like he hasn't been providing for me. i've been forced to live off the charity of others, which is very humbling and annoying. All i've wanted to do is work towards and fight for my future, but the way is shut. i feel like i'm caged. But now there's the possibility of me moving towards something, and i have no doubt that i would excel at it, but is that what God wants for me? It's intimidating. And right now i would give up all my dreams in pursuit of the one that i have wanted longest of all.

My biological clock has been ticking. That sounds so stupid, but i knew when i was three that i wanted to be a mother and throughout my entire childhood all of my play was geared towards marriage and starting a family, whether i was playing with Barbies, Legos, Star Trek figurines, or Hot Wheels. i thought that my life would be set once i turned eighteen, that i would meet the boy of my dreams and we would get married and life would be perfect. Yes, eighteen was the magic number to me, the magic age, but here i am, twenty-five, and i've never even been on a date, or been kissed, had a chance to fall in love. i've always felt somehow guilty for it, to want this--love, marriage, pregnancy, children--so very much, to read the pregnancy books that were sprinkled throughout the house, to want every movie/show to have a romance with a happy ending. i have tried to hide it, tried to ignore it, but i feel it with all that i am. Even more than i want to make films, write books, change the world, i want this.

i know it stems from the fact that i have always felt that i could never do anything to make my father proud of me, because what i want to achieve he doesn't understand, and also because i am not good enough at the things he cares about. i know that it is because my Mom spent ten years praying for another baby, because she homeschooled me and brought me up in the Word. i know that i am rebeling against the feminists in the family, to not want to become a matriarch, to want nothing more than a good man who will take care of me, to submit to. And i also know that letting most guys know that you want to get married and start a family right away scares them away immediately, but i've never even had the chance to do that. The guys i have expressed interest in either ignored me, pushed me away, or were unavailable. No one has ever asked me on a date, and i don't believe in changing myself to make myself more appealing, flirting or dressing provacatively. But i wonder why i am always alone, rejected by peers, and outsider. Like Meredith on Thanksgiving on Grey's Anatomy, i feel as if my presence at a party is a downer, is not welcome exactly not welcome necessarily, but as if things are better without me and my baggage.

When i was eighteen i felt that having a family right away was necessarily something that had to happen for me immediately, that i would enjoy living as a married couple for a while, working towards a career for a little while maybe, and seeing the world with my husband. But it has been seven years now, and i still haven't found a book or screenplay to write, i still can't support myself (let alone a child), i still haven't met my husband, and for all my efforts i feel farther away from God than ever. i do not mind so much about not dating, because i have always known that i am not the shopping around type; i want to meet my imzadi and i want to spend the rest of my life with him, with that one man. And right now (in particular) i am glad that i'm not dating because i think i would find it very hard to remain sexually pure. It's like Elizabeth says in Dead Man's Chest: "I'm so ready to be married."

Twenty-five years of virginity is no easy thing, especially when you feel like you're the only one in the universe who's saving yourself, who's waiting for marriage, and certain coworkers think such a thing is unnatural, is freakish. i don't know how to not believe what i do, but it's not easy being alone, especially when i feel like i'm only half a person, incomplete. To me, it seems the most important thing in life (after serving God) is marriage, to fill the earth and subdue it, but what is left to subdue on this planet? And no matter how advanced our science has become we can only fill the earth when a man's dna interacts with a woman's.

i hate sounding like a depressed whiner drama queen. But how could i honestly wish to stop feeling things so deeply, when they are the very propensities that make me me? My empathy is what i hope to save, my anger and despair to destroy. But i don't know how to live my life alone, to live my life at all. i have always known that a am nothing without God, that i will certainly fail if i try to do anything in my own power. i cannot be an astronaut, or a pirate, or a rebel fighter, but those are the things that inspire me, to explore, to fight for what is right against all odds, to die for what you believe in if need be. i am so much smaller as an individual in comparison to the hope and promise that God has given me. It's hard to reconcile the dark and hope that i am overwhelmed with at the same time, but they are as surely as I Am.

i don't feel worthy of God's love, the faith that He has displayed in me. Sometimes i wish i could turn my back on Him, the pain, on my life. But if like is devoid of hope, devoid of Him, then how much worse would death be, an eternity without Him? i cannot fathom the boundless nature of the universe, how God always was and is and will be, how my soul is just as deathless. i do not fear death, neither do i want it, it does not hold sway over me. But the dark... i don't know how to get free of it. i don't know if i'm supposed to. i don't think i can. i feel helpless, and my hope is in God. He seems to believe that i can get through this, i'm not so sure.

i don't know how to be normal, or act like the world is fine. Nothing is fine. The world is sinful, war feels safer than peace, because peace would mean the end to so many freedoms. Nothing makes sense. i don't know how to tell anyone about God when i don't understand what He's doing myself and when it is deemed offensive by the media that i am surrounded with. Christianity, the denial of self, purity, are foreign concepts to the world. i try to stand apart, but it's unbelievably hard and painful. More than anything, i cannot fake normalcy anymore, i cannot play that game, but i don't know how to be true to God anymore, either. i feel as if i am at the end of a battle where all hope is lost and i cannot surrender but i cannot find the strength to fight, either.

It's hard for me to express this without sounding depressed or holier than thou. i'm not perfect, i'm sinful, and i fight against my sin nature while simultaneously wanting to give in to it. More than anything, i want to always follow God's perfect will, but i don't know if i'm strong enough... No, i know i'm not strong enough. i pray for strength, i pray for deliverance, but i don't know what will happen. Sometimes i wonder if i've got a chemical imbalance in my head, but i know that the spiritual forces i sometimes sense are really there, fighting over this nation's future, the world. i don't care if i don't play a big part in it so much as i care about doing God's will. If he would let me then i think i would be content to be a nameless individual with a husband and family, but somehow i've always known that it wasn't to be. i wish i were wrong, i hope that i can still have those things, but it's up to Him. And that makes me sad and hopeful at the same time.

un

i don't know what to call this blog anymore. i've thought about going back to on fire, or dark fire, or refering to Enya's song Pilgrim, but i don't know what to call it anymore. A lot of thoughts and emotions have been rattling around in my head and heart over the past couple of weeks. For a while i was eager to hear news that my nephew had safely arrived. Then i was debating whether or not to keep attending Mesa State or apply at Full Sail. i've been working six days a week. i keep getting headaches from my allergies. Imus was fired. The shooting at Virginia Tech happened. Everything is unbelievable, i am undone, i am unashamed to say that i am afraid and worried and yet unconcerned and wanting to ignore it all. What am i supposed to say about so much evil and silliness and stress?

i have nothing to say. i have everything to say.

i was supposed to be writing a paper, but i couldn't, so instead i wrote a huge diatribe against high school and higher education in general. i don't know if i should publish it here or not, but it seemed clear to me at the time that i had no business going back to school. i couldn't write a stupid paper, i was exhuasted and sleep deprived and sick, so i stayed home for about a week, sleeping as if i were dead every morning. i worked so hard and felt so much that i couldn't even think of trying to go to school. And by the time that was all over it was really too late to return, i was guaranteed a C at best in all my classes, most of which i was already barely scraping a C, and i just couldn't decide whether or not i should go back to my teachers on my hands or knees or not.

Actually, that isn't quite true. i had decided with my diatribe, but i was miserable, fighting an inward battle, against what i wanted to do and what i should do. i figured out what my gpa would fall to if i got one c and three f's, two c's and two f's, three c's and one f's, so on and on, beyond hope of actual achievement, and realized that i would rather flunk all of my classes than continue the next five unbearable weeks only to achieve c's anyways in subjects that i knew were a waste of my time. i am not at school to get good grades, all though an A is something i always strive to attain, but my purpose in continuing my education is learning, and i have learned more at work and in real life over the past few semesters than i have in class.

Amid all of this i watched the Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions (the latter for only the second or third time ever) and identified strongly with Neo, who kept seeing Trinity falling. The Oracle told him: "We can't see past the choices we don't understand." Then on another tv show (i can't remember which one, which is so odd) one of the older characters said to one of the younger characters that choices are only painful when we've already made up our mind but haven't come to grips with the choice yet. So i finally decided that i should just follow my heart and not go back, was immediately filled with relief, and actually read a book instead of stressing about life. i won't default on my loans or be put on probation. i have next semester to bring my grades back up if that's what i choose. But it was stupid for me to work full time and do school full time at the same time, and i knew it, but i did it anyway. A man cannot serve two masters...

So life has been halfway normal, as normal as it can be when i work graveyards. The news has been ridiculous. Anna Nicole Smith's baby has a father finally. Imus get's fired for exercising his free speech, and he didn't even use any swear words (i'm not saying that he should have said what he did, but he's been saying inflammatory stuff on the air since before i was born). i can see that freedom of speech is going the way of the dinosaur. The shooting at Virginia Tech happens, and i can see that the right to bear arms is going to be next. That's why i'm so scared. i listen to Glenn Beck every morning as i leave work and totally agree with him, so what can i say here that he hasn't said already? This country is a ticking time bomb, and i can't figure out if it's terrorist who have their finger on the trigger, the media, or the politicians.

Does it matter? The world as we know it is still going to end. i can taste it in the water. i can smell it in the air. i can feel it on my skin. And it terrifies me. Is this why i'm single, why i'm not making babies? Woe to the women with child and breastfeeding... But i still want to get married and make lots of babies anyway. It's better to get married than to burn... And i know that i'm not being overdramatic. i know it's going to come because Jesus said it would in Matthew 24. And i don't care if i have to die for my beliefs, even though i've always believed that i will be raptured, it doesn't matter to me if the Tribulation starts tomorrow, or a hundred, or a thousand years from now. All i want to do is serve God in whatever way He wants me to.

And as if all the things in the news weren't enough to freak me out, last week when i was driving to work the moon was gold and then slowly went behind a cloud and it looked really freaky. And then when i got to work i saw a ufo. I'm not saying it was aliens or anything, it may have been ball lightning for all i know, but it was something unidentifiable. There was a blue ball of light that silently flew over my head and into the clouds, and the clouds flashed as if with unseen lightning, and it was gone. It all happened in just a couple of seconds, if i wouldn't have looked up when i did, i would have missed it. The ball moved so fast that i have no idea how big it was, i just know that it couldn't have been a plane or helicopter or satellite or anything i'd ever seen up close before.

So, now that everyone probably thinks that i'm certificable, that's what's going on with me. i've applied at Full Sail, i'm trying to save money, pay bills, live life. i don't know if i'll be moving to Florida come fall, but if i do i'll be closer to Megan (it's about a 4 1/2 hour drive according to Google). i'll miss my family of course. i'll be doing what i've dreamed about for so long. But it's up to God. All of it is.

i am a virgin, part 3

So maybe i am not so correct as i assume. Maybe it isn't Dad who doesn't know how to show affection properly. Maybe it is me who doesn't. i find myself acting like my father more often than i would like to, and sometimes it's not in a bad way. i do the same things to the kids that he used to with me, roughhousing, tickling, hanging them upside down. They seem to like it. i think that i just didn't always trust him to be showing me that sort of camaraderie.

i have been shut down emotionally. i grew up scared of Dad, for good reason, but i didn't trust him like a little girl is meant to trust her father, i took things harder than anyone else. He told me not to cry, so i wouldn't. i've since relearned how to cry; i cry a lot. i cry watching sappy commercials, heartwrenching movies, and during difficult family conversations about Grandma and Grandad. i cry about things that make me so happy that i don't know how to breathe for the hope and promise of it. i cry about things i have lost or am losing. i cry because i am lonely and overwrought. i cry too much for some people, just like my mother and my Grandma. This is how i was made to be, it is my genetics and soul and life intermingled.

But i still don't know how to show affection towards other adults in a healthy way. i am a virgin, i've never dated, i don't have any friends, i lost all my coworkers when i was promoted, classmates are rarely seen after one semester, and my world is always in chaos. How is a person supposed to work full time and school full time and finish their homework and have healthy relationships and get any sleep? i don't think it's possible.

A couple of weeks ago on Grey's Anatomy Cristina was having an engagement crisis and spent the night with "her person," Meredith. Not only did they spend the night in the same bed (as nonsexual friends) but they spooned... which i don't even do with my sister or my mother, the only two people i would consider to be "my person." They're both married and have obligations elsewhere, but they're probably the two people on this planet that i show the most physical affection to that are adults. But i don't feel comfortable kissing my sister, or holding her hand, or even hugging her sometimes. i don't know why that is, we just aren't physical at all, and i hate it. Sometimes i lay my head on my mom's shoulder or hug her because i miss being able to crawl into her lap or hold her hand. The funny thing is that when i was a kid i couldn't become old enough to stop holding her hand fast enough in my opinion of the time. Oh how things change.

Drat, i have to go to class. i've been wanting to write this all weekend.