i am a virgin, part 3

So maybe i am not so correct as i assume. Maybe it isn't Dad who doesn't know how to show affection properly. Maybe it is me who doesn't. i find myself acting like my father more often than i would like to, and sometimes it's not in a bad way. i do the same things to the kids that he used to with me, roughhousing, tickling, hanging them upside down. They seem to like it. i think that i just didn't always trust him to be showing me that sort of camaraderie.

i have been shut down emotionally. i grew up scared of Dad, for good reason, but i didn't trust him like a little girl is meant to trust her father, i took things harder than anyone else. He told me not to cry, so i wouldn't. i've since relearned how to cry; i cry a lot. i cry watching sappy commercials, heartwrenching movies, and during difficult family conversations about Grandma and Grandad. i cry about things that make me so happy that i don't know how to breathe for the hope and promise of it. i cry about things i have lost or am losing. i cry because i am lonely and overwrought. i cry too much for some people, just like my mother and my Grandma. This is how i was made to be, it is my genetics and soul and life intermingled.

But i still don't know how to show affection towards other adults in a healthy way. i am a virgin, i've never dated, i don't have any friends, i lost all my coworkers when i was promoted, classmates are rarely seen after one semester, and my world is always in chaos. How is a person supposed to work full time and school full time and finish their homework and have healthy relationships and get any sleep? i don't think it's possible.

A couple of weeks ago on Grey's Anatomy Cristina was having an engagement crisis and spent the night with "her person," Meredith. Not only did they spend the night in the same bed (as nonsexual friends) but they spooned... which i don't even do with my sister or my mother, the only two people i would consider to be "my person." They're both married and have obligations elsewhere, but they're probably the two people on this planet that i show the most physical affection to that are adults. But i don't feel comfortable kissing my sister, or holding her hand, or even hugging her sometimes. i don't know why that is, we just aren't physical at all, and i hate it. Sometimes i lay my head on my mom's shoulder or hug her because i miss being able to crawl into her lap or hold her hand. The funny thing is that when i was a kid i couldn't become old enough to stop holding her hand fast enough in my opinion of the time. Oh how things change.

Drat, i have to go to class. i've been wanting to write this all weekend.