i am a virgin, part 2

Since someone or someones who are reading are so curious, Dad has never abused me sexually, he simply does not understand what the proper way to show affection is. When i was twelve or thirteen he wanted to wrestle me on the front lawn after church (while i'm in a dress). Whenever he washes his hands he wants to wipe them on one of us instead of using a towel. While driving with me riding shotgun he wants to put his hand on my leg or thigh, which sounds wrong, and feels uncomfortable to me, but i know that he is only showing fatherly affection in the only way he knows how, and believe me, it is better than the alternative: when i was a kid he would show me his buggers and threaten to wipe them on me just to get reaction. He's a big kid in so many ways. He still wants to tickle me, still wants to kiss me on the lips in his slobbery way, and will not change no matter how many times i express my discomfort or annoyance. So i try to just let him do it because i know he's just trying to make me feel loved.

My real issues with Dad are his anger. i spent my entire childhood in fear because i never knew when or why he would get mad. i would try so hard to please him, to follow his rules, to be who he wanted me to be, and it was never enough. His anger paralyzes me. He would tell me not to cry or he would give me something to cry about. And then he would forget his anger and never think of it again. i do not think he knows how much he has hurt me in the past because he does not remember what he does when he's angry. And everything in my life has been affected by my relationship with him.

i am so grateful that God impressed upon me the need to save myself for marriage. Sometimes i get mad at Him because He has never let me get close to anyone, to any guy, and so i've never even had a chance to go too far. Being a virgin is easy when there is no one to be tempted to have sex with. And i am mad at God because i am still alone and yet i am still so grateful to Him because i know that if i weren't a Christian than i would have wasted my virginity trying to fill the hole left in my soul because my father has anger issues and i spent my childhood in fear and he still doesn't know how to express his love in a healthy way. i am so glad that i never made that mistake.

But at the same time i am emotionally stinted. i've had to relearn how to cry. i've had to struggle to allow/empower myself to free myself from other's flawed expectations of me and still struggle to siphon the good expectations from the harmful ones. None of this is clear cut. People, loved ones, family, hurt me all the time. How do i remain open without getting hurt or angry? How do i tell them to stuff it when they're unwittingly trying to destroy my life and who i am? How do i tell myself to stuff it when i know i am only being selfish and in some instances i should deny myself and serve instead?

This past week has been very hard for me. i've fluctuated between hope and despair. Yesterday i did something for Mom, Grandma, and Grandad, and as a result only got three or four hours of sleep. After i got off of work i wanted to do something for me, but also to please Dad, but i couldn't, i couldn't stretch that far, so i went home and slept all day instead. i am only one person, and i want to help others, but i feel like sometimes i suffer as a result. i don't want to be selfish or angry about helping others, but it's hard when i'm sleep deprived and in physical pain and feel like no one is looking out for me except for me.

People hurt me all the time and they don't even realize it, mean it, care that they've done it. It's so hard to forgive them over and over again when they never say "i'm sorry" or "good job" or "i love you," and the rare times that they do i feel as if they aren't being genuine because those words are so foreign to me that they can't possibly be real. i feel like i'm constantly screaming for attention and help but no one pays any attention and i don't know how anyone could help me. i feel like i'm drowning and can't swim any farther. i feel like i've been hanging onto a rope and can't let go but can't hold on any longer because i'm so tired and my hands are torn apart. i feel like i'm continually falling through an abyss. i feel like i am locked in a cage in the dark, cut off from the rest of the world and insulated from all light, all hope, except the few beams of light that sometimes break through. But i cannot hold onto light.

i don't feel like i am depressed, simply overwhelmed and alone. My life is flashing before my eyes as i'm living it, everything is going way too fast, and i feel frozen in time, helpless to change anything. i've never thought that i controled my own fate, i don't believe in fate, i believe in destiny and the God who created that destiny and will guide me to it if i let Him. i want to get married and have children so very much but i don't know if i'm ready. If my life feels so out of control now, how much more will it feel like that when i'm the one responsible for caring for my children? And what must it be like to share that responsibility with someone else that i haven't even met, who i do not know? It blows my mind. A couple hundred years ago i'd be an old maid with over half her life spent. In this century i am an emotionally unstable girl who hasn't finished growing up because of her childhood and because she's never been in love and cannot really interact with the world or form healthy friendships.

There is so much that i want to say, to tell the world, but it feels like no one ever listens to me. It feels like no one ever reads what i have written. It feels like no one wants to hear the truth and i will hurt others if i say it. It's ironic that i struggle between not wanting to hurt people who hurt me all the time and not caring one whit because i simply want to tell the truth because i'm sick of it being stuck inside, screaming to get out. i'm tired of being angry about people's lack of consideration and blatant stupidity and self-destruction. i want to encourage and help people when i can't even help myself and any encouragement i recieve is few and far between.

i'm struggling to digest so many things that i don't think that the average person is aware of. And i don't know if anyone can even understand what i'm going through, i've been trying to find someone, anyone, and i've never been successful. Something in me, that i can't even identify, sets me apart, even from other Christians, from family. i feel things deeply, see things that are hidden, struggle against forces that the rest of the world ignores. People try to get me to shut up but writing frees me from the darkness, from the Legion that wants my destiny to never be fulfilled. i cannot back down or turn away, i must keep on fighting, keep holding on, stand on the edge of failing forever. i cannot let that happen. i must still believe God, no matter what it costs me.

Does anyone out there understand? It's hard for me to put into words. It's hard for me to believe that anyone cares. It's hard for me to understand, let alone share. i am still struggling to serve God, no matter what He asks me to give up or become or rethink or forgive.