New Year's resolutions of a sort

i do not normally make New Year's resolutions: i figure that there is no point in putting off until the New Year to start improving upon something that needs fixing today. i've been fighting to fix things in my life for over a decade now, so this post is more of a State of the Lunacy speech. It's been an arduous journey, stumbling around in the dark trying to figure out the answers to questions that seem to have no answers, trying to figure out God's will when He has been so very silent. i'm sorry to say that i don't pursue God as keenly as i once did: i realized a long time ago that the harder i sought Him the more i fell apart when i didn't find Him. i used to blame Him for that, for my inability to find Him, because i was always taught that He would come running when i called. When that proved to not necessarily be the case, my whole life fell apart. Some people would call my opinions towards how God works to be sacrilegious, but i think that very often we take God's Word out of context. We're all stumbling around in the dark whether we realize it or not, and there's no way that any one person has all the answers while they're here on earth, otherwise what would be the point in continuing to live? If you aren't striving and learning then you're wasting precious life.

There were many things that i had to come to terms with in order to reach this point. My quarter life crisis hit me hard, and in many ways is still hitting me. i have no career. i have no relationship prospects. i had to get over Brad and then come to terms with the fact that i was willing to give him so very much that compromised parts of myself that i never wanted to compromise. Because i have no experience in dating or love i didn't realize what i was doing, i was completely blind. It didn't help matters that the man that i fell in love with turned out to be nothing like i thought he was and that i had been ignoring the small warning signs. i'm glad that i didn't end up with Brad now, but it took me a long time to reach this point, i still cannot say that i am entirely over him. It would be very hard for me to articulate just how very much i long to be in a marriage relationship, to not be alone, and where i have slid to as a result without losing all integrity. Yes, i am still a virgin, but i still feel sullied because of how much i gave emotionally and how much lust that i'm trying to deal with right now. i have no idea how to come to grips with my sexuality when i am single and trying to live a pure life, the entire "just ignore it" thing that the church has going on isn't helping me. i've also come to realize that i have some rather unrealistic expectations when it comes to marriage, that i've bought into the chick flick mentality a bit too much.

So my first two resolutions for this year are to more actively seek God again and surrender my lustful urges to Him in an attempt to confine them to His will and guidelines.

One of the most obvious external indicators of the changes that have happened in my life over the past year and a half is my body. It has taken me a very, very long time to come to grips with my weight. The truth is that i thought i was fat since i was about eight or nine, largely because that's what my peers told me and it seemed as if my mother thought she was fat. When i was Katie's age and size i hid my body and lived in humiliation because i did not understand what i had done to become fat or why i couldn't lose the weight. What i did not understand at the time was that i wasn't fat, my body just looked different than the ones i saw around me because i was athletic and big boned and more padded than the stick straight anorexic look that most people seem to go for these days. i would love to have my body from high school back again, but the little known truth is that our body's shape and size is not what determines our happiness. Our weight only has as much power as we give it, we don't have to be obsessed with losing those 10-15 pounds that we don't need to lose no matter how much society is screaming at us to do so. Is it more important to look like a model or be healthy?

i feel vastly healthier than i did after Brad and i broke up, which was at a point in my life where i was depressed and didn't care about taking care of my body. The ironic thing is that, my first big jump in weight gain, i was depressed but trying very hard to take care of my body, i just wasn't going about it in the right way. i have fought very hard not to gain more weight than i have. The things that i blame the most on my weight gain are depression and insomnia, even more than eating junk food or anything else, because i have almost always been active. i used to think that there was something wrong with my body because i didn't lose weight when i dieted and worked out. More sacrilege? Still, it's the truth. i'm starting to wonder if it's all the unnecessary chemicals and growth hormones that are in all the food at the local grocery store that have caused my body to not maintain a healthy weight.

So my next two resolutions are to reapply myself to eating less high fructose corn syrup, unnecessary chemicals--and instead buy natural and organic foods as much as possible--and to reapply myself to my training. i think i've finally come to a place where i am truly happy with my body but know that i have to keep fighting to lose more weight. i will never be the same size as Megan, and i'll probably never be the same size as Katie again, but maybe i can get below 200 pounds and get back into size 14 or 16 and just be healthy and happy. To that end i believe that i'll start training for Olympic length triathlons but only compete in Sprint length ones until i can improve my performance... say at least come in the top 75%! lol

My last three resolutions are to expand my social circle, write more, and balance my selfless and self-protective natures.

i have always felt a bit socially awkward, and to be honest playing WoW has exacerbated that. Throwing myself into the game, i thought i had a lot of friends, when in reality they were just nicer to me than most people are. There was no real connection or hold between us. Everything there has fallen apart time and again, and there's always two or three jerks that have to bring out the worst in me. One of the reasons that i didn't make a very good actress is because i was afraid to look bad: Emma Thompson and David Tennant have proven to me that the ugly parts of a person can make them all the more beautiful. i need to stop caring so much about what people say about me because very often they do it just to get a rise out of me and it makes me uglier than if i would have let it slide off my back.

So i'm quitting WoW, probably for good, and that was part of the deal i made with God when i decided to apply for the job at WoW.com: i have been considering leaving the game for a long time, and i promised Him that if i didn't get the job that i would finally quit the game. i want to try to make more friends my own age, or maybe just within my own interests. Let's face it, i am and have been and will always be a geek. Gaming will just become a smaller part of my life, just as it always was before i took up WoW. Now i will seek relationships based on shared faith, or interest in reading/writing, or in knitting, or in triathlons. Of course i also have two more semesters of school to get through, and a lot of what i can accomplish will depend on what my school-load is like.

i have been so grateful with my friendship with Katie these past few months. i also hate being sick, and cannot wait for this stupid cold to go away and the semester to start so i can start training again. i have several knitting projects that i'm looking forward to working on soon. i'm trying to make healthy choices and continue to grow as we enter a new decade... even though that decade technically doesn't begin until a year from now. (;

down for the count

The past month has been so hard. A month ago, i was in the middle of Brad's visit. It was wonderful, to finally be kissing, hugging, touching, in a relationship. But i was scared. i knew it couldn't last and i knew it would be horrible when the visit ended. A week later, i was happy because i had forgotten my fear and everything seemed to be going so well. Brad seemed inclined to stay longer. A couple of days later, his mother insisted that he come home, at the end of two weeks (as had been the original estimated time), and i was crushed. He didn't want to go, i knew, but he felt obligated to. It felt like he was choosing his mother before me, that he didn't love me enough.

His departure was too abrupt. One day, he was going to be staying, the next he was already gone, and we hadn't had a chance to talk, to discuss what this meant. To make matters worse he had forgotten his cellphone, so i didn't get to talk to him for days (we had been talking almost every night before his visit). So i fell into depression for the first time since before Christmas. At night, i couldn't sleep, i would be paralyzed with the loneliness and sorrow and hopelessness. One night, i was even allowing myself to have suicidal thoughts, something i have not done since junior high. In those moments it is not that i want to die, it is that i am overwhelmed with the intense emotional and physical pain, pain that is unrelenting, controlling my every thought.

The pain has dulled, some, but every day is still a battle. The moment i feel that i might be doing okay is when all the bad luck (to put it nicely) is unleashed upon me again. Talking to Brad used to make me feel better, but now the few times that we have gotten to since he left have really only made me feel worse. He's depressed, too, and we're both not dealing with it well at all. We're getting on each other's nerves, getting irritated at faults that didn't matter before, are too quick to get angry. i know i'm being clingy and he doesn't like that. He's not willing to contemplate visiting or continuing the relationship for six months, and he is unhappy with my weight, so i'm not happy about that. I've already lost forty-five pounds, i know i don't want to stay at this weight, but the way he says it... like he'll only be with me if i'm thin. All of my ideas for solutions are taken as nagging, all the conversations are initiated by me, i'm tired of pursuing him... it's just like every other relationship i've ever had. i do all the pursuing and ultimately the other person doesn't want to have anything to do with me and will probably willfully hurt me in an attempt to push me away. Brad wants to take a break, but i don't know if i can wait, want to wait, but what does that say about my love? It must not be strong enough then.

When he first left, it felt like it was already over. i have doubts now where i didn't before, doubts about his anger, his lack of communication, his level of maturity, the way he closes down and chooses to ignore something he doesn't want to discuss or believe. i still don't know if this relationship is ultimately going to work out or not, all i know is that i don't want it to end. i don't want to be alone anymore. i know that getting married to the wrong person can be even worse than staying single, that being alone and at odds with the person who was supposed to be the solution is horrible, but i just can't stand being alone. i used to want Brad because of who he is, now i'm not sure if i love him enough or if i'm just settling, and i don't want to do that to either of us. Before Christmas i was finally trying/starting to get used to the idea of never getting married or having kids, and then this relationship started, and now i cannot go back to living in misery like that. So the relationship is on hold, and i am waiting and living in misery anyway, and i can't let go. i thought that he would be enlisting this summer and was silly enough to believe that we would be getting married by this fall at the latest. Now i know that he is not going to go into the military, that he's unable to find a job, and that i won't get to see him until Christmas at the earliest. He says that he'll be free then, but that's so far away, i don't know if our relationship can handle this. It's not supposed to be hard like this, but then, that's how everything in my life is... hard. Nothing in my life is ever easy or fair.

i can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Sure, six months isn't that far away, but it's actually six months added to years of waiting. Everyone's advice is read your Bible, pray, go to church, have faith, believe in yourself, find friends, find someone to confide in, put God first... i don't know how to do those things anymore. Those things are exactly what i've been doing for eight and a half years (for my entire life, really), and my life has only gotten worse because of it. i read my Bible, i become more depressed because what it says is the exact opposite of what God is doing in my life... so which God do i believe in? The one i read about in the Bible or the one that's absent from my life? i have always believed in the one that's in the Bible, but now even that faith falling apart. i try to pray, but my prayers are still not being answered.

i go to church every week, and i finally have found a good one where the pastor actually delves into God's Word, but i don't know which small group i would fit into. Should i go to the young adult group where everyone is five years younger than me and probably not seriously contemplating marriage? Or the women's group where everyone is probably married and it would be awkward because i'm single? And can i even go at the designated times, or would that interfere with the job i might be starting in a week and spending time with the only friends and ministry that i do have (i mean the ones i play WoW with online). Everyone i have tried to confide in can provide no solutions other than the ones that i have already been trying to adhere to, but that have yet to provide any solution either!

How am i supposed to believe in myself? i do find it sweet and heart warming when people actually say nice things about me (thank you so very much!) but i have a hard time believing that these words are true. It's not that i do not trust their judgement! It is only that, for as long as i can remember, my peers have treated me as i was worthless, someone that should be at best ignored and at worst abused and used. This is putting it in harsh terms, of course, but no one would play with me in preschool through elementary school, friends that i pursued broke my heart, my classmates in high school merely used me for my brains, my volleyball coaches and some teachers were intent on tearing me down, i now have had bosses that have done the same, etc. I guess lots of people have said good things about me to my face, but it's always easier to remember the bad things that i have heard voiced and seen displayed every other day in remembrance. People started telling me i was fat a decade before i actually was... why wasn't there ONE person who would tell me that i wasn't and that i was beautiful the way i was? In other words, losing weight will not solve these issues of being unpopular and socially awkward, because i wasn't popular when i was thin.

i want to be loved for me. i have always said that i am nothing without God, and have fully believed it. i do not sing because i think my voice is beautiful (in fact, i hate my speaking voice), i sing to glorify God. i know that God loves me, that He sent His Son to save me, etc... and yet He won't even look at me, acknowledge me, answer a decade's worth of prayers. Two decades worth of other people telling me i was worthless (with me all the while constantly fighting against believing the same thing as them)... and now God seems to be saying the same thing. Which i know is a stupid thing to believe, in all reality He had absolutely no reason to look on me as a sinner, it is by His grace i am saved. But i've spent over twenty years serving Him, putting His will first, trying to be like Him, giving up on dreams and embracing the new ones He gave me, and now... i don't know how to put my heart back together again and He isn't interested in doing it, either. i don't know how to shut out the naysayers and believe that i am anything but worthless.

Brad has said that he doesn't want to break the relationship off because i have invested so much, that he cares about me, and doesn't want to hurt me. It still hurts to be apart. Nothing is certain. i don't want him to feel obligated towards me, i want him to love me and never leave me. And that's how i feel towards God, too. i have invested my entire life, and what am i left with? i can't support myself, i'm in debt, i am as good as single (i've still never even been on a date) with my options forcibly left open, i am depressed, have tons of emotional baggage that no one can figure out how to deal with and God seems to be uninterested in taking on...

Everything in my life is about trying to please God. It irritates and offends me when anyone says something that even remotely insinuates anything less. Every step, ever inch i have crawled, have been in an effort to glorify and obey Him. i have believed in the impossible and the naysayers have always been proved right. i know that my words are harsh, that i'm not pretty, i don't have the strength to pretend. i don't have any patience anymore, i don't know how to forgive people's thoughtless cruelty anymore... i have decades of that stuff that i always ignored, forgave, and yet still cannot forget. It weighs on me, i don't know how to get rid of it, i've tried throwing it away. i am fallible, i will say that before anyone else, i say that i'm sorry daily. And i know that i am weak, but i don't know how to try anymore, to go on. i don't have a Samwise to carry me up Mount Doom and i don't have a Gollum to bite my finger off, i'm just an epic fail.

All i have ever really wanted was to get married and have children. Acting, writing, singing, school, working, that is all something that i wanted to or had to do in the meantime. i can give up on those dreams, but married and children is engraved on my heart, was a dream that i had before i have memories or had the brain development that's necessary to willfully make such decisions. This is the way we are wired, "be fruitful and multiply," and my biological clock has been ringing since before i can remember. i always knew i would have to wait, so i did willingly fill my life with these things in the meantime, this "busy work," if you will (which is just a stupid figure of speech for doing something because there is nothing to do). But i'm not over my quarter life crisis anymore, i've slid backwards. i don't know where the light is, i have lost all sense of direction. i don't know what God's will is, He hasn't enlightened me in a very long time. And i feel entirely too weak to get up or try anymore. i still need God and don't know how i can ever feel whole without Him, whether Brad is in my life or not.

i don't know if writing about it helps. i try to read the book i got for Christmas, i try to read my Bible, i try to pray, but it all seems hopeless. i keep trying even though i don't really believe that my problems will be solved anymore. i know God can do anything, i do not believe that He will at all. If He was going to, why didn't He after 1, 3, 5, or 7 years of prayer? Seek Him and He will come running, easy for them to say, they should try living in a reality where it isn't true. But how can it not be true, i keep think of Dogma, where the universe will be destroyed if what God said is proven to be untrue. i don't know, i can't understand, so i stopped trying a long time ago (Proverbs 3:5-6 and all), but my paths have only been straight into more despair.

How do i forget years of pain and baggage? How do i ignore what my eyes are telling me and believe in myself and Him? The three words i hate more than anything... i don't know.

paralyzed, part ii

In less than a week it will be eight years....

Eight years since what, you might say, but if you have been reading, watching, observing, known me for any length of time, you probably already know, even if you couldn't have marked the date on your own. i'm going to be 26, and i feel so old, entering my late-20's. i know i'm young to so many others, but to me, when i look back at where i was, what i've done, who i've become, i feel old.

It's been eight years and i'm still paralyzed. i thought that night was freeing me, it was full of so much hope and promise, but instead it was plunging me into darkness. i used to be an optimist. Megan laughs at me, says that i was always a pessimist, but if that were so then i would not have made it the past twelve, thirteen, fourteen years. i would have committed suicide if i were a pessimist, but i held on to hope, as slight as it was. Now i feel as if i have no hope but i've come too far to change my mind, to change back to who i was, to undo what has been for what might have been.

i don't believe in killing myself, not that i think that i would go to Hell for it, but i couldn't look God in the face: i would die all over again for the shame of it, letting Him down like that for my own selfish reasons. As much as i am angry at Him i still fear Him, respect Him, love Him. i don't know how to hold on, keep going, rise above, but if i were to give up in such a final, fallible way, then i would cease to be.

We small creatures are caught in a black hole of nowness, of the sensation that the world will end if our lives are sad, or hard, or even happy, and easy. We think that death is the end. It is only the beginning. It blows the mind when one realizes how infinite the universe is, how it never ends, and never begins. i sit back and wonder how it can exist at all. God created everything, infinitely large, with one word, out of nothing, out of void, and yet He was in the void and knew. It is one of many contradictions that define Him. At that moment time began, before that there was no reason to mark it, and now time will always be marked but will someday lose all meaning. We feel the clock ticking now, but one day the clock will mean nothing.

For death will not be the end.

We will live forever and ever, whether in Heaven or Hell.

The weight of that staggers me. My mind will never stop reasoning, feeling, learning, wondering. My body will die but my new one will never fail me, even after millenia of millenia. Will we get tired of always being, way up there? Will we forget our old, lost life, or be able to relive it over and over again? Now i wonder what it would be like to be thin, to be able to see perfectly, to be blind, to be deaf, to be able to fly, will that matter at all in Heaven?

i can't go to my happy place anymore. i know, it's stupid, so Happy Gilmore, but it's important to me. The thing of it is, i usually went to my happy place when i was in church, or at class, during a particularly boring sermon or lecture. i would stare out the window, or at the ceiling, or close my eyes, and imagine myself twirling on grass, singing, walking on a beach, enraptured. That is too far away now. Now when i try to go it is tainted with what ifs, and dreams that are beyond my reach. Everything is beyond my reach. So many dreams but no talent or time or strength to accomplish them. Trying to go to my happy place makes me feel even more lonely and unhappy than i already do.

i cannot imagine being in my happy place, being in Heaven. i can imagine myself bowing before God, laying my crowns at His feet, bathing Jesus' feet with my tears and wiping them dry with my hair, flying through air, swimming through water without running out of breath, flying through space.... But those things, however true they may be, are too far away for me now. How i am ever going to get from tonight to tomorrow to next week to next year is beyond me. And it is all i have been doing for the last eight years, for hope long ago failed me. i am still a fool, and i still hold on, but i do not yet know what will be.

i wrote twenty-one months ago:

The trick to not feeling absolutely crushed is focusing on God. It's difficult to do this when i cannot see, hear, or feel Him, but i remember Him, i know Him. He loves me; i have faith that He's allowing all of this to happen to me so i can become a better person, so He can be glorified in my life, so He can use me in the way He chooses. It doesn't matter what i want, it matters what He wants.

It's so hard to hold onto that, to make sure that i hold all of that hope in my mind. Having hope is a struggle to me now. It blows me away that He trusts me enough to leave me in this place for over seven years when i feel lik i don't even have the strength to get through each day.

I'm not perfect, i'm making a fool of myself. I try so hard, but i end up trying to ignore all my hopes, dreams, and spiritual pursuits just so i can get through a day with a positive attitude. I constantly feel paralyzed, like even if i try to lift myself up off the ground it's an exercise in futility. i don't like who i am becoming, i don't see how this is glorifying Him, and it makes me impatient and angry and selfish. All i want is to serve Him and that just gets stripped away.

It's hard for me to write about this: i don't want anyone to know about the mask i still end up wearing despite my best efforts, i don't want to hurt anyone, i don't want anyone to know how weak i am when i have fought so very hard.

i read more of the things i have written here, and realize, my words are my art, and they help me even now. i am so much farther into the darkness than i was even then. My sentiments are the same, only multiplied who know how many times.

Why am i stuck here? Why can't i move on? Why doesn't my life get better when i have strained, and sweat, and cried, and bled so much??? i am still a little girl, hiding in the dark. On Grey's Anatomy tonight they said that "Fear is good, it lets you know that you still have something to lose." Does that mean that not everything is lost yet? Because i am afraid that it is lost, that i will never recover from this, that i will always be the little girl huddled alone in the dark. i want to be J.K. Rowling, Katherine Heigl, David Beckham, and i know that sounds ridiculous, but please bear with me.

David saw Victoria/Posh on tv and says: "Who is that? I'm going to marry her." Katie says that everything in her life is happening so fast that it's overwhelming, that there's so much good that it's hard to take in. Jo went through a divorce, was on welfare, and wrote the book that wouldn't do well, that wouldn't sell, and is now one of the richest people on the planet. i don't want money, or fame, just to be rich and famous; i want to be overwhelmingly happy, to be giving away my money, to be telling the world what God wants me to say and have people actually listen to me--to Him--because i'm famous.

In real life everyone ignores me, and they don't even realize it. i'll be excited about something, sharing it, and no one listens, no one cares, it goes in one ear and out the other. i'll need help, advice, have help, advice, to give, but they don't pay attention, they don't help, they don't take my help and screw themselves over in the process. i'm a nice person, but i'm not going to force you to listen to me, take my help, stop looking like an idiot. People tell me i'm too loud, then why is that so much of the time i'm inwardly screaming at the top of my lungs and outworldy whispering "Why won't anyone listen??? Did i just stutter? Should i have yelled out loud instead of talking in a normal tone? Should i have sweared, or insulted, or pulled your hair, or punched you, would that have made a difference???"

i know that there are some people who read what i write, but i still feel like i'm in a vacuum, a void. i hope you, the reader, get something out of my words, because so often i feel as if they are fruitless...

...but i have to write them.

i feel compelled to write.

i have to write.

But what do i have to say?

i've already said it.



Will i always be here, huddled in the dark? Will i ever truly fall in love? Will anyone ever fall in love with me? i have looked at men, said to myself, "He's the one," and he never was. How can a person move on when they are caged in the dark? How can they be loved when they are so ugly inside? On the outside? No matter how beautiful i am, will i always be the "fat girl"? Will i always be the girl with the lisp? Will i always be the socially backwards outsider that doesn't know how to connect with other human beings and feels miserable and hates herself for it?

i hate being sick and tired and alone and worthless. i want to be healthy, and alive, and beautiful, and loved, and a really useful woman (lol with tears streaming down my face). i'm afraid that i'll always be alone, that i'll never have children, and i know i'm not ready. i don't want my imzadi to see me like this. My hope is in God, not in a man, or a child, anyone but the Christ-child, the Messiah, the Redeemer, the Lover of my soul.

My wound is laid bare again. That is the way it should be. It hurts to breathe not because of my congestion or sore throat, but because of my need for Him. i will always need Him, i cannot stop needing Him, and that is why i wait, not because i have the strength, or wisdom, or faith, but because i have the weakness, the doubt, and the fear. i will always be His little girl.

It is four days until my anniversary. i cannot go on, i do not know His will anymore, if i was ever right, or if i have always been wrong, but i will still wait for Him, even if it takes another eight years. Do not be proud of me for that, i have done nothing at all... but give up.

empty

It has been very difficult for me not to feel worthless and/or unappreciated lately. Megan has been really oversensitive and accusing, my boss has been demanding and for the most part ignores my efforts at work. i have had insomnia for weeks, am still exhausted at the end of every work day, and i have at moments resented others' lack of understanding or caring that i am giving so much and getting so little in return.A few days ago i was sobbing over the dishwater, abhorring the fact that i was acting like my Grandma and feeling the part of the martyr while simultaneously wondering why my life is always like this and why it's been so long since i've cried.

i'm going through several incoherent things all at once. i wish that i could do more, that i was more helpful and stronger. At the same time i feel put upon. i've given up on my dreams again to be here. i know that to the outside world that i always look like i'm just living off my relatives, but what no one ever seems to realize is that i receive little benefit from such arrangements, that i participate in them because i'm trying to have a servant's heart or because i have no other choice. No one looks out for me. My wants and needs fall to the wayside, are ignored because there is little if anything i can do to pursue them, and even trying to is depressing in itself and much more trouble than it's worth. i am not in control of my life, i gave it up a long time ago: it's been about eight years since i gave God full rein to do what He would and said i would trust Him to guide me, provide for me, use me. It is still hard to trust Him, to have faith, but i cannot take control back when i never really had it in the first place.

Throughout all of this i am trying to tell myself that i am really useful, gifted, needed, wanted, when deep down inside i never feel that those things are true. i recently read that if someone gives you a complement that you should never disagree with the person because to do so is to say that you don't trust his/her judgement and is therefore insulting. i always disagree with compliments because i never think that anyone can or should think anything good of me. i'm not a good singer. My writing is nowhere near as good as i'd like it to be and all my stories come from God or something i'm working through in my life. i'm fat. i'm alone.

i'm always alone. Satan always tells me that i'm worthless, and i always believe Him. i tell myself that i'm humbling myself before God. i tell myself that my father has never approved of anything i've ever done in an attempt to find his approval. The only men that say good things about me, encouraging things, are already married and so very unavailable. Not one single man has ever shown the slightest bit of interest in dating me, loving me, marrying me. i am so alone, living out one of my worst fears. Even if i lose weight, started dressing more sexy, wore makeup every day, did my hair every morning, would it matter? What good is it to change who you are in order to attract a man when all you want is to be loved unconditionally for who you are?

So i lie alone in the dark every night unable to sleep, sexually and emotionally frustrated, spiritually bereft. i try to write poems, stories, draw, nothing changes the dark truth or makes it easier to bear. Why would any man want to be with a needy, desperate, depressed girl like me? Oh what i would give to be a stay-at-home wife and mother, to never have to worry ever again about a career, paying bills, supporting myself, and being unhappy for the rest of my life.

i ignore all of this most of the time. i live with it because i must, because it is who i am and i don't know how to change, despite my best efforts. i say that i am not depressed but i don't really know that. i can live for months while ignoring how i truly feel deep inside. i have tried living without a mask but i know this only scares people away. i see little reason to be happy, when i can't support myself, where all of the things i hoped to achieve in my life have never been within my grasp, even attempted. Did i make the wrong choice when i didn't expect my parents to support my dreams when i was fourteen, so i never even brought it up? When i never stepped out in faith and moved to LA no matter what the cost? i've felt like an adult for so long, but even as an adult i am forced to play the part of a child so very often.

God has been silent for nearly eight years. i am nearly twenty-six and i can't believe it. i'm burning, burning, not for any one man, just so empty and unfulfilled inside. i know i should look to God for fulfillment but a husband is meant to represent His love for the Church, or is that backwards? All that i know is that i am in danger of falling into despair and hopelessness that is too deep for rescue. i don't want to give up, i don't want to fail God, but i truly do not know how to go on, how to keep serving Him, how to not give up on all His promises forever. i don't know how to wait for Him, for a husband that may not exist, to be at peace with where my life is. i don't know how to be alone and yet that's all i've ever been. i cannot see Him, hear Him, feel Him, touch Him, taste Him, what good is my faith? It isn't enough, i will surely fail him, and i do not have a Gollum to save me.

i have no friends. i have no social life. i don't know how to let people in, they always hurt me when i try. i want to write about love, life, hope, and i have no business doing so. i have no experience, i have no knowledge, all i have is theories that for all i know are completely wrong and off base. What am i doing???

i don't know how to go on, but i am way beyond such labels. i have felt this way before, not knowing how to get out of bed in the morning and face the world, go to class, go to work, be half of a human being and seem normal. It does not matter what i can or cannot do, for i ran out of tries, of ability, of strength, long ago. What does it matter if i try or give up? i am worthless, remember? It is all out of my hands. i trust God like a fool and huddle in the dark. My spiritual life is so much more real than my physical one, but Satan cannot truly touch me, only mock me with half-truths that betray his fear. Still, i am afraid. i don't know how to do what God is asking of me. i don't know how to get through the night, let alone the next day, week, month, year. i always marvel at the passing of time because i don't know how i have withstood its darkness or retained even a sliver of faith. But just when i think i'm done i decide to keep trying anyway. Like i said, i'm such a fool. Oh well.

full sail ahead

Well i finally got the word from Full Sail in the form of an enrollment package. i've signed all the paperwork, will mail it today or tomorrow, and will be giving my notice at work soon. i'm still looking for a roommate and need to figure out my financial aid, but it looks like come August i will be in Florida. All of my admissions paperwork is in now except for this last document. Hopefully i'll be able to get my student loans squared away soon. The financial aid and housing is the most daunting thing to me: it's very intimidating to think of myself so far away from home. i've finally found a way of actively pursuing some of my dreams, but i'm going to be going deeper into debt to do it. i'm trying not to be negative, to think of what it would be like to fail. i know that i'll do well at this, i know that it will come naturally to me but also require hard work, but i'm scared of failure. i've spent so much time wishing that i was doing something like this instead that now that it's actually happening... it doesn't seem real. In eight weeks i'll be starting my new education and will finally be on my own for real. i know that Megan will only be a four hour drive away, but i'm still going to miss my family, and it's still going to be completely new and different. In two years i'll have a degree and maybe a job. That's still a long way off, but at least i'll be working towards the future instead of wondering what the heck i'm doing.

Anyhow, i'll keep you all updated as i learn more. Also, i am moving to the afternoon shift this week at work finally! Probably on Tuesday, as soon as i finish training my replacement. i don't know how they're going to replace me, i've been working overtime for over two months now, and i wish i would have saved more money. A move is just ahead!

i am a virgin, part 4

i have been avoiding writing. What is there to say that hasn't been said before? This is why i don't journal anymore, why i don't go to church, because i am tired of pursuing God without reciprocation. i'm tired of doubting God, of being mad at Him for not keeping His promises, for feeling guilty because i'm mad at Him, because i am weak, because i am not doing enough to serve Him. i am exhausted.

i also think that i no longer believe in corporate worship as it largely exists in the U.S. today. In Acts and Roman it seems to me that the Spirit moves most powerfully in homes, not in a church building. Why should we spend so much on a building, on having a fake garden on stage, on the church workers, when we could meet in homes, at parks, and send all of that money to people who desperately need it for food, housing, clothing, health care? It feels like a vicious cycle when so few serve and are forced to do all the work. But i don't know how to find people who want to worship in the same way i do, who feel called to serve, to change the looming fate of a nation. Maybe it's too late, maybe Jesus' return is right around the corner, but i still struggle to be the optimist and fight against the pessimism that i am flooded with when i attend a worship service where so few sing and the sermon is about jokes instead of God's truth.

Quitting college has been such a relief for me. i never wanted to attend Mesa State, i never felt like i fit in there, that it was the right place, but i haven't known what else to do, where else to go. It kills me that i cannot support myself and that my life seems to be going nowhere. But as much as i appreciate my new freedom my loneliness has only become more pronounced. At school i had a few classmates that i connected with, and i would talk to them, see them three times a week. Right after i quit classes i started talking to RobG more, as i relieve him as MCO, but he complains a lot, and we have little in common. My granparents have finally been moved into assisted living (praise God) and i have an empty house with a cat that only barely tolerates me. So i am not paying my own way, i'm in so much debt from going to a school that was a waste of time, i have no friends, and now i'm thinking about moving cross country and going deeper into debt?

It's scary, to feel like God wants me to go to Florida on a whim, on faith, when at the same time i feel like he hasn't been providing for me. i've been forced to live off the charity of others, which is very humbling and annoying. All i've wanted to do is work towards and fight for my future, but the way is shut. i feel like i'm caged. But now there's the possibility of me moving towards something, and i have no doubt that i would excel at it, but is that what God wants for me? It's intimidating. And right now i would give up all my dreams in pursuit of the one that i have wanted longest of all.

My biological clock has been ticking. That sounds so stupid, but i knew when i was three that i wanted to be a mother and throughout my entire childhood all of my play was geared towards marriage and starting a family, whether i was playing with Barbies, Legos, Star Trek figurines, or Hot Wheels. i thought that my life would be set once i turned eighteen, that i would meet the boy of my dreams and we would get married and life would be perfect. Yes, eighteen was the magic number to me, the magic age, but here i am, twenty-five, and i've never even been on a date, or been kissed, had a chance to fall in love. i've always felt somehow guilty for it, to want this--love, marriage, pregnancy, children--so very much, to read the pregnancy books that were sprinkled throughout the house, to want every movie/show to have a romance with a happy ending. i have tried to hide it, tried to ignore it, but i feel it with all that i am. Even more than i want to make films, write books, change the world, i want this.

i know it stems from the fact that i have always felt that i could never do anything to make my father proud of me, because what i want to achieve he doesn't understand, and also because i am not good enough at the things he cares about. i know that it is because my Mom spent ten years praying for another baby, because she homeschooled me and brought me up in the Word. i know that i am rebeling against the feminists in the family, to not want to become a matriarch, to want nothing more than a good man who will take care of me, to submit to. And i also know that letting most guys know that you want to get married and start a family right away scares them away immediately, but i've never even had the chance to do that. The guys i have expressed interest in either ignored me, pushed me away, or were unavailable. No one has ever asked me on a date, and i don't believe in changing myself to make myself more appealing, flirting or dressing provacatively. But i wonder why i am always alone, rejected by peers, and outsider. Like Meredith on Thanksgiving on Grey's Anatomy, i feel as if my presence at a party is a downer, is not welcome exactly not welcome necessarily, but as if things are better without me and my baggage.

When i was eighteen i felt that having a family right away was necessarily something that had to happen for me immediately, that i would enjoy living as a married couple for a while, working towards a career for a little while maybe, and seeing the world with my husband. But it has been seven years now, and i still haven't found a book or screenplay to write, i still can't support myself (let alone a child), i still haven't met my husband, and for all my efforts i feel farther away from God than ever. i do not mind so much about not dating, because i have always known that i am not the shopping around type; i want to meet my imzadi and i want to spend the rest of my life with him, with that one man. And right now (in particular) i am glad that i'm not dating because i think i would find it very hard to remain sexually pure. It's like Elizabeth says in Dead Man's Chest: "I'm so ready to be married."

Twenty-five years of virginity is no easy thing, especially when you feel like you're the only one in the universe who's saving yourself, who's waiting for marriage, and certain coworkers think such a thing is unnatural, is freakish. i don't know how to not believe what i do, but it's not easy being alone, especially when i feel like i'm only half a person, incomplete. To me, it seems the most important thing in life (after serving God) is marriage, to fill the earth and subdue it, but what is left to subdue on this planet? And no matter how advanced our science has become we can only fill the earth when a man's dna interacts with a woman's.

i hate sounding like a depressed whiner drama queen. But how could i honestly wish to stop feeling things so deeply, when they are the very propensities that make me me? My empathy is what i hope to save, my anger and despair to destroy. But i don't know how to live my life alone, to live my life at all. i have always known that a am nothing without God, that i will certainly fail if i try to do anything in my own power. i cannot be an astronaut, or a pirate, or a rebel fighter, but those are the things that inspire me, to explore, to fight for what is right against all odds, to die for what you believe in if need be. i am so much smaller as an individual in comparison to the hope and promise that God has given me. It's hard to reconcile the dark and hope that i am overwhelmed with at the same time, but they are as surely as I Am.

i don't feel worthy of God's love, the faith that He has displayed in me. Sometimes i wish i could turn my back on Him, the pain, on my life. But if like is devoid of hope, devoid of Him, then how much worse would death be, an eternity without Him? i cannot fathom the boundless nature of the universe, how God always was and is and will be, how my soul is just as deathless. i do not fear death, neither do i want it, it does not hold sway over me. But the dark... i don't know how to get free of it. i don't know if i'm supposed to. i don't think i can. i feel helpless, and my hope is in God. He seems to believe that i can get through this, i'm not so sure.

i don't know how to be normal, or act like the world is fine. Nothing is fine. The world is sinful, war feels safer than peace, because peace would mean the end to so many freedoms. Nothing makes sense. i don't know how to tell anyone about God when i don't understand what He's doing myself and when it is deemed offensive by the media that i am surrounded with. Christianity, the denial of self, purity, are foreign concepts to the world. i try to stand apart, but it's unbelievably hard and painful. More than anything, i cannot fake normalcy anymore, i cannot play that game, but i don't know how to be true to God anymore, either. i feel as if i am at the end of a battle where all hope is lost and i cannot surrender but i cannot find the strength to fight, either.

It's hard for me to express this without sounding depressed or holier than thou. i'm not perfect, i'm sinful, and i fight against my sin nature while simultaneously wanting to give in to it. More than anything, i want to always follow God's perfect will, but i don't know if i'm strong enough... No, i know i'm not strong enough. i pray for strength, i pray for deliverance, but i don't know what will happen. Sometimes i wonder if i've got a chemical imbalance in my head, but i know that the spiritual forces i sometimes sense are really there, fighting over this nation's future, the world. i don't care if i don't play a big part in it so much as i care about doing God's will. If he would let me then i think i would be content to be a nameless individual with a husband and family, but somehow i've always known that it wasn't to be. i wish i were wrong, i hope that i can still have those things, but it's up to Him. And that makes me sad and hopeful at the same time.

Truth, Integrity, Love, Hope, Life

Today (or, rather, yesterday now) Glenn Beck was talking about honesty and integrity, which according to a new poll is the first thing voters look for in a candidate. He talked about when he came to a point in his life (during his mid-30's, i believe he said) in which he began to ask himself what contribution he had made to society. Then he points out Paris Hilton and Nicholle Richie and asked what contribution they have made... which in his opinion (and mine) is none at all.

i'd never been able to put my finger on this before, the way he said it. His arguement is that honesty and integrity are no longer held in high regard and it's true: this has plagued me my entire adult life. People are no longer rewarded for honesty, they're rewarded for taking credit for other's work. People no longer have integrity, they delight in living for the weekend, the party, the sex, the booze, the drugs. i am such a weirdo because i am honest, i do have integrity, and it constantly gets me into trouble. It gets President W into trouble, makes him hated by the world, but it's why i voted for him twice. This is why i love the movie V for Vendetta but could never explain it: some part of it elluded me. It wasn't only about freedom, it was about honesty and integrity, just as Val said, but i never could put it into words like Beck did... Beck the Mormon. Val the lesbian. V the terrorist. Evi the coward.

i'm so unhappy with my life. This week is spring break, and it almost feels normal, bearable. Trying to work all night, go to school the next day, and find time to sleep--let alone do my homework--it's not working. i'm overwhelmed, i'm so guilty because my schoolwork is suffering, but i don't know how to find the strength to do this. My schoolwork is boring, except for one class. i've already missed class so much this semester that i must attend ever single class in order to get an A in them (assuming that i get A's on all of my work). American Lit is totally uninspiring, the teacher in Geography puts me to sleep, Grammar is boring, and British Lit, the last class of the day, the one i have the least strength left over for, is my favorite. i always feel trapped like this by the time finals come around, but the entire semester? That's a new low, even for me.

i wish i wasn't in a dead end job. i wish i could follow my heart and pursue my dreams. Right now i really want to move to Orlando to attend Full Sail, but what if i get there and can't pay for it or can't keep up with the workload. i wouldn't be able to work, how could i get the money? Should i be going to school anymore at all, working towards a career? But what if i'm single for the rest of my life, would i be happy where i am now? No, i know the answer is no. How do i wait for a future that may never happen, hasn't happened in the past seven years, without feeling like i'm letting God down, sinning? Shouldn't i at least attempt to become a screenwriter, producer, director? i've gotten my liberal arts education here, now all i need is a major to specialize in, would it be a waste of money for me to change schools now? But i wouldn't have heard of Full Sail if it weren't for me being in the Art building every day last semester and i wouldn't actually be thinking about going if i hadn't had to take that flight in order to go to APFD's wedding.

Moving to Florida would take a leap of faith. i don't have the money if financial aid doesn't cover it, i'd have to find an apartment because they don't have dorms, i probably wouldn't be able to have a job because of their unusual class schedules... But i would be able to earn a Bacherlor of Science in two years time, would be learning at a pace that sounds perfect for me, would be working in the field that all my career dreams are hung on. i don't know how to talk about this with my parents, have no friends to ask, have family obligations that i'm not free from... And there's always a question of when i would go. May, July, August? Probably be better to work over the summer and go later, but i want to go as soon as possible.

i'm ready now, have been ready for what feels like so long, but if i'm to do this i have to get through the semester, and right now i don't know how to do that. How do i hold on? That's always the question for me, how to hold on. My hands are bloody and sting from wiping away my salty tears, but still i put on a smile and keep on trying. And now i sound depressed and self damaging or something, but i'm not, i'm just overwhelmed and still afraid of the dark. But i'm becoming numb to it all, which may be scariest of all... for the dark to become normal, the light no longer yearned for, believed in. i believe in God but i don't expect Him to rescue me. And then He sends me a song from my friend Amber, and still i don't believe it. Why would he leave the 99 for me when He hasn't already, after all this time?

i was talking to Him earlier tonight, singing the Kry's Take My Hand, asking Him for the hundredth time how i'm supposed to take a step towards Him when i can't see Him, how i'm supposed to take His hand when i never let go and can't find it in the dark. Is Full Sail what He wants for me or what i hope He wants for me? i don't know anymore. i was reading Dagger last night, updating it for the first time in three years, and the words still felt true, still felt powerful, and i don't have the faith to believe like that anymore. i've fallen so far, into this abyss, in this cage.

i still don't know what to do. If i can, i think i'll move to Orlando and go to school. If i can't, i might as well drop out and try to figure out what story i should be writing to get out of this job, to support myself. i have no stories anymore, why can't i write anymore? i think it's because i don't believe Him anymore, but then, i don't hear His voice. i miss the whisper so badly. Somehow, i must find the strength to get through this, but i still contend that i'm not strong enough on my own.

Friday night i started singing Nichole Nordeman's Oh Great God, it just popped into my head out of the blue, and i got mad at Him for a second. She won a contest to make her first CD and her lyrics don't reveal that she has understanding of the truth that i have known for over a decade... She sings, "There have been moments where I could not face Goliath on my own," when the reality is that we can never face Goliaths on our own. In To Know You she sings, "It might be easier to dream ~ but dreaming's not for me," how dare she! It's not easy to dream, it's never been easy to dream, and yet He asks us to. How do i continue to dream after all i have been through, how do i continue to take His hand and walk? i don't know if i really can anymore, and i'm so mad at myself for letting Him down like that, for giving up on Him. How dare i??? How dare i give up on my faith? But i don't know how to believe anymore, after all i've seen. i have walked my faith and talked my faith and been a fool for my faith and all for nothing. Do i take Him at His word again, believe that He will provide for me in Florida, the state i have never wanted to live in? It was one of my "Never"s, perhaps this truly is His will.

i'm trying to read my Bible again, i finally got through Numbers, it was so hard and i was beginning to think i never would. i made a stupid deal with Him that if i finished reading my Bible then He would have to make me an actress. i still haven't finished my Bible; i have about twelve books left. Maybe i should put my nose back to the stone. At least it's not depressing anymore.

i love snow! except for the part about icy sidewalks...

Today i speed shuffled from Weightlifting (at which i can still only lift on my left side when it comes to legs) to Announcing because today was the day i was to read a story in front of a camera. i was wearing too-much-but-still-tastefully-done makeup (does that make any sense?), a blouse and sportcoat, and am really bodily tired because i didn't eat a proper breakfast and the cold has really been taking it out on me with my current injury. i get to the elevator, out of breath, and come face to face with two classmates getting off who inform me that class is canceled for the day. Grr....

For those of you who don't know, i hurt my right lower back and hip the Friday before Thanksgiving when i fell down bowling. For over a week it hurt like heck to stand up, sit down, kneel, pretty much everything except lie down, and then it would hurt to roll over. Fortunately this past Monday i woke up without pain and with the stiffness nearly gone, but since that same day my joints have been feeling the weather more than usual. i know i'm still not fully recovered: today i tried to touch my toes and didn't get all the way there, which was a shocker for me. i can usually put my hands flat on the floor with my feet together and legs straight, or if i'm sitting on the floor with my legs together reach past my toes. But even though i have gotten to the point where my back doesn't spasm every time to stand up and my legs aren't painfully twitchy from 2-4 in the afternoon (even if sometimes it still takes a second for my back to straighten and pelvis to tilt in the right position if i get up too fast) i have been getting intermittent cramps in at random times of the day (mostly in my right calf and butt). But this is all a lot better than the perpetual pain that was and i'm sure is mostly because i haven't been eating enough of the right things. i'm in a lot less pain now, believe me. i'm still hoping to be able to hit the slopes opening weekend at Powderhorn, but i'm not going to go if my body isn't ready. Better to be able to ride the entire season than blow my back out going down the mountain once.

Anyways, back to Announcing... i should have been glad because i wasn't really prepared, but instead i was irritated because on Monday he made such a big deal about me having to go today. i've known the snow was coming since Saturday when Sowder (later Radcliffe) started talking about it on the weather report, not to mention that my body has been telling me (screaming to me one night, to be perfectly honest, it's like my old weather sensors magnified exponentially). i got to school on time, why can't he??? i'm never taking a class from this guy again; i appreciate a day off now and then, but not on an average of once every other week.

And there's also something else i realized while trying not to slip and slide across campus: i wasn't nervous. All my nerves have worn off over the semester, more and more with each assignment, not that they were crushing to begin with. i'm around this every day, secretly harbor suspicions that i could read the news better than our current anchor (sorry Ryan), and i know i could write it better than the reporters (who all have atrocious grammer and little writing skill). i'm ashamed to admit these things. Those people have graduated college while i'm meanwhile bored and ticked off attending one class in the subject. i dropped my other class because i decided that i just don't want to be a journalist and am now strongly considering changing majors again. What's going on with me?

i could be good at this, i see that, but everyone in this business are so full of themselves that it's a total turn off. i love all of them to death because i've gotten to know them, but if i could chose these people as friends... i wouldn't have wanted to be friends with more than one or two because they're just annoyingly sure of themselves and have no sense of humbleness in their bodies. God threw me in with them, and i'm glad he did, but that's why He's God and i'm not.

And today i started to wonder why i have no nerves when it comes to reading a poorly written newspaper article as if it were a "Reader" in a Broadcast (it would have made a decent Package, but in this format it stinks) when every time i would do a monologue or scene during class or auditions at the MPAC across campus it would be all i could do not to fall apart. i don't want to do theater, but i think it's more than that. i think i'm developing a healthy confidence in myself without this ludicrous "i'm king of the world" rubbish.

But Broadcasting has turned out to be a subject that i could care less about and Theater... i don't want to be on Broadway, but it's frighteningly close to what my dream was all about, just the same. It's not that i don't want to act... it's that i hate what they wanted me to act out/about and i was so afraid that i would look bad doing it because i knew it was bad. Cowden and Ivanov will rant and rave about how Theater is better written, better acted, better performed, better art, and i just want to cringe. My passion is film, for all its pitfalls, and Theater...? Well, let's just say that it doesn't reach me. Give me a bad high school play with actors that i know over a expensive production of a "important" play any day.

So why did i get crushing nerves during monologues, etc. i would forget lines that i had labored to memorize, be stiff and my blocking would go out the window, i had one scene that just went "okay". i know i can do this (acting), it was my passion for so long, and now... i don't let myself think about it because it seems impossible. But here is the dream that i fought against and God chose to press into my heart anyway. i feel guilty that i've kind of given up on it now. Meanwhile, most of my readers are probably relieved. i just wish i knew what God wants me to do about it.

Jessica Alba has said that she doesn't do things halfway and "My theory is that if you look confident you can pull off anything - even if you have no clue what you're doing." i wish i could be like that, be confident enough that God can use me even when i don't have a clue what i'm doing. Maybe i can learn that next year, make it a resolution. Meanwhile, i now have to go to bowling.

everything is excellent

Everything Is Illuminated

by Liev Schreiber

This film was absolutely hilarious but also had lots of depth. It was riveting to see the countryside, how American everything was for the young people and how traditional it was at their destination. The question “is the war over?” was heartbreaking but at the same time you have to wonder why anyone would cut themself off from the world like that. But to live in fear for decades! “Alex” made the movie, and Elijah Wood was stunning. How can anyone be that blank? What it’s hard for someone who doesn’t act to realize is that everything the actor is thinking is picked up by the camera and to be so totally expressionless… it can only be accomplished by someone who has mastered the art of acting, actors struggle for years to master the skill. All in all this was a fun rigid search.

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well acted, well portrayed, still bad behavior

The Forsyte Saga - The Complete Series

by Christopher Menaul

The actors in this production were excellently cast, and the movie was extremely well made, but overall this story was rather depressing and full of immoral behavior. The members of the family who were following their hearts were also adulterous. The members of the family who were upstanding citizens were backstabbing gossipers. Not a pretty picture is portrayed here: darkness lurks beneath all the starched collars and jewels. Ioan Gruffudd blew me away as Phil, and Irene and Soames were especially riveting in their parts. i would guess that this series was fairly true to the books. This miniseries is a perfect example of the fact that just because something is well made doesn’t necessarily mean that it is enjoyable. Three stars because i didn’t “like” it but it’s still worth seeing i guess.

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Why I recommend "Nanny McPhee : Based on the Collected Tales of Nurse Matilda"

Nanny McPhee : Based on the Collected Tales of Nurse Matilda

by Christianna Brand

While this isn’t as good as usual for an Emma Thompson adaptation (let’s face it, these books aren’t exactly literary classics and she did take some liberties) this film is definitely worth a viewing, especially if there are some kids in the house. Colin Firth has somehow perfected the art of portraying a man who doesn’t have a backbone. Angela Lansbury was spot on. Kelly MacDonald and Thomas Sangster were excellent. One of the most interesting things about watching this movie is seeing Nanny McPhee’s transformation: by the end Emma Thompson shines with beauty and grace. This was a tad too Hollywood-dumbed-down for my taste, but if Cheaper By the Dozen or Yours, Mine, and Ours are favorites for you, you’ll love this film, too.

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Cyrano De Bergerac = Gérard Depardieu at his best!

i’ve always thought of this actor as being typecast as the bumbling idiot, but Cyrano truly does have panache. This movie is funny, the translations of the poetry rhyme, and the the viewer can’t help but love and empathize with the hero. i would definitely recommend this movie even with the sad ending. Wonderful locations and costumes make the film complete.

maybe it was worth it

SAHARA

by Clive Cussler

I have trouble finding time to read fiction right now (i’m a college student) so i’ve taken to listening to books on tape/cd while i’m trying to fall asleep. I’ve been meaning to read Sahara since i saw the movie at the drive-in and finally got the book on tape. First off, i hate it when they abridge books, and this book was abridged, which i had guessed because there were only two tapes but didn’t know for certain until the book was over (it wasn’t on the package, it wasn’t in the spiel at the beginning, only the one at the end). Secondly, the action is the book is fine (though typically unrealistic like most action movies today, i like this genre) but the dialog stinks. Cussler knows how to write a good adventure story i guess but the exposition is not handled well. Several things are just corny.

Overall, i like the movie a lot better. This is one time where i think that the changes from the book made sense and made the story better. Zahn is a better Giordino than the one in the book who just doesn’t have the same depth. Cruz’ character is not really that much like the female lead in the book (her name escapes me at the moment) but she made a good performance and, once again, i can understand the changes. I like the casting of Matthew McConaughey and William H. Macy but they also aren’t exactly like their characters. Anyways, it was an interesting contrast but i think i’ll stick to the dvd.

Incidentally, i found it odd that the Lincoln subplot was totally left out of the film.

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so hilarious

Apparently, even he has noticed the similarity in appearance.

what i'm knitting ~ a white undercap to accompany the hat i just crocheted (yes, crocheted!)
what i'm crocheting ~ a suede ivory newsboy cap from Knit1
what i'm listening to ~ just finished Eldest by Christopher Paolini (i knew that Murtagh is Eragon's brother and the twins were traitors... now if only Aria would get her act together and let herself be with Eragon)

Today i had my last two finals. I froze during my monologue. I got up there, started, and then my mind went blank. It took me a few seconds to remember what the next line was. For what seemed like an eternity i had no idea what to say next. And then it came to me and i plowed on. It was over so fast! But i know that the monologue was two minutes flat. I have it on good authority that i only paused for a few moments, but it felt like an eternity. I got a B. Cowden wrote that i am my own worst enemy and that i really connected with this character. So i'll get a B in the class i'm pretty sure.

The Spanish final was very different than i expected. Our teacher wrote the test from scratch it seems and it required a lot more sentence writing than i anticipated. I thought we'd have to show more of what we've been learning lately but it blended the whole semester together rather nicely. I'm pretty sure i'll be getting an A in that class.

Tomorrow i start working full time. It's such a relief to not have school hanging over my head anymore. Tonight i made tamales for Christmas. I think i'm going to really enjoy my break. Now if i could only finalize my schedule for next semester...

long day

"If I must boast, I would rather boast about the things that show how weak I am." (2 Corinthians 11:30)

It's been a long day. Today Powderhorn opened for the first time this season. I swung chairs, ran the lift, and shoveled snow. I worked from 8 am until after 4 pm. Needless to say, i'm pretty tired, though not precisely exhausted, just stiff. I am enjoying my new job for the most part.

I've felt torn a lot lately. In some moments i feel more whole and resolved than ever. Other times i simply feel ugly. I don't want to whine or complain. I don't want to "accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad" (Job 2:10b). I don't want to give up but at the same time i don't know how to go on.

I have been trying so hard to find a monologue (from Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing or Chekov's the Sea Gull mainly) and nothing fits. Everything is about love or controling others or giving up because you've failed at all your roles in the past two years. I feel defeated and weak because i haven't even really tried acting. Every time i do try i get nowhere. I'm exhausted and don't know what to do. Should i stay here? Go to Biola (if i can get into the Film/TV/Radio program, and that's a big if)? Quit college entirely? I am poor and helpless: fighting to better my financial and spiritual and emotional and intellectual situation has not helped anything. Indeed i often feel as if i am only making things worse.

I am so humbled. I am fully aware of my incapability of doing anything on my own, of being a huge failure without God to hold my hand and guide me every tiptoe of the way. I don't know what He's doing. I don't know who He is anymore. I don't know how to serve Him. I fight against my self defense nature: should i be selfish or selfless? If no one will defend me, then why should i defend myself? I really am a wretched creature, maybe i should start acting like it.

But of course i'm speaking nonsense. Of course i should be selfless and stop thinking of myself so much and be a servant to all. But i am incredibly afraid, more afraid than i have ever been before, and my greatest fear is that this fear with remain until i die... a thorn that will not be removed. I long far too much to be given gifts from God that are good for boasting about. It's not that i want to boast about them, i just want to feel supremely blessed, to be considered better because i have suffered so much, and thus validated. As i have said many times: i am a fool. I feel a kinship with Paul: i have spent so much of my life trying to serve God by the Book letter for letter than i could boast about it. But i found such service and pride to be meaningless... because i had the wrong motives.

"I have plenty to boast about and would be no fool in doing it, because I would be telling the truth. But I won't do it. I don't want anyone to think more highly of me than what they can actually see in my life and my message, even though I have received wonderful revelations from God. But to keep me from getting puffed up, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from getting proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, "My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me. Since I know it is all for Christ's good, I am quite content with my weaknesses and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:6-10)

The hardest part for me is that last verse: it is my heart's cry but i don't know how to live it. I don't feel so pure anymore. I've been working so hard at being real and genuine that my sinful nature has gotten too strong (mind you, i could still boast about my holiness, but i have still fallen from where i was, and what would it gain me or anyone else to do so?). And i don't feel so strong anymore. I'm afraid to be weak, my weakness overwhelms me and i don't feel that it has brought me much strength. And of course i'm not so glad to be experiencing the insults, etc., at the moment.

I've said before that i almost wish i could sin on purpose just to give God a reason to be mad at me. I'd never do it purposefully, but maybe i've done it inadvertantly. I don't know anymore. I'm so confused. Where is all that He promised me? But more importantly, who have i become? When i look in the mirror i don't usually like what i see, and i'm not talking about things merely at face value. My life has been torn apart, my heart broken, and a way-too-large part of me doesn't know how to trust God anymore. More than that, the faith of a mustard seed hasn't been anywhere near enough for the past seven years.

And that's what it comes down to for me: it will be seven years tomorrow. My life doesn't show any hints of improving drastically, which mean life might as well continue as it has been, at a snail's pace clawing my way up a precipice. I speak with such dramatic and extreme language, but that is how it feels to me. I am not joking when i sing songs that say things such as this:

"i couldn't face my life tomorrow ~ without Your hope in my heart i know ~ i can't live a day without You ~ Lord, there's no night and there's no morning without Your loving arms to hold me ~ You're the heartbeat of all i do ~ i can't live a day without You" (Avalon's Can't Live a Day)

and

"i don't want to go somewhere if i know that You're not there ~ cuz i know that me without You is a lie ~ and i don't want to walk that road ~ be a million miles from home ~ cuz my heart needs to be where You are ~ so i don't want to go ~ without Your touch ~ without Your love ~ filling me like an ocean ~ cuz Your grace is enough ~ enough for me ~ to never want to go somewhere if i know that You're not there" (Avalon's I Don't Want to Go)

That's why i've said that i feel like i'm dead. If He's not filling me up then what is there to live for? If i am not serving Him then what am i living for that's worthwhile? I have failed Him. But He has failed me, too. He promised. I've said "Lord, here am i, send me" (Isaiah 6:8) and He has said no (or perhaps wait would be more accurate) over and over and over again. Is it my fault? Am i doing enough where i am? I try so hard, but the answer is always a resounding no. A no for seven years.

I am crazy, an absolute fool. How can anyone believe such unbelievable promises after seven years of no?!? I must have misheard, i must have gotten the wrong message, He didn't mean that. But He did. I know He did. I cannot let go of it. It is slowly destroying me, eating away at me. Taking the knife out of my side has not healed me. I am destroyed if i let go and destroyed if i hold on so i am simply destroyed.

I hate that He's made me love Him so much. But is it enough love? I have a large cross, do i have the strength to bear it? I still can't answer that question. I do not expect this to be the last night of my hell, there have been too many hopeless anniversaries for that. I do not even know what i'm supposed to be doing here. Should i have hope or despair, faith or doubt, action or wait??? What am i supposed to get out of this? Anything??? I sometimes wonder if i have not met my Imzadi because he is not ready for me yet but can that apply to this, too? Is the world not ready for me? It never will be!

I am nearly twenty-four. For the majority of the population that may seem like nothing, but to me it seems like a lot. I used to count the days as a sort of backwards countdown to hope, but now they are merely a specter looming over me. I have let God slip away from me. I do not know if i have made the right choices in life. I have tried so hard without avail. I have been far too selfish.

What else can i say? I am too tired to try to apologize enough, explain enough, analyze enough. Digestion will not bring me any closer to an answer, only God can give me the answers and hope that i seek. I am afraid that once He does talk to me, all i will be able to say is, "I am nothing--how could I ever find the answers? I will put my hand over my mouth in silence. I have said too much already. I have nothing more to say" (Job 40:4-5). Of course, maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing. I just don't know.

~2326

GoF review

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Imho, Goblet of Fire is the best Harry Potter movie that has been made to date. It's very enjoyable and a lot funnier than the past three, but it still has its failings. The first half of the film felt like it was in fast forward. Key details were modified, some for no apparent reason.

Gambon still did not deliver as Dumbledore (i know he can do better than this). And what on earth happened to his spectacles?

The scene in the graveyard was not as scary as i imagined. At first there was a lot of dead time in which key dialogue was omitted. Then the Priori Incantatum was fast forwarded again, the part which is the most important of the film!

Alan Rickman delivers but is used mostly for comic relief. There is only a slight passing reference to his Death Eater status, and Voldemort does not announce that he is going to kill him.

Lucious Malfoy is way too proud and presumptive in the presence of Lord Voldemort.

The makeup for Voldemort is incredible: all they forgot to include was the red eyes. However, Ralph Fiennes portrayal fell a bit short. He was far more menacing in Schindler's List.

The twins and Ginny were used more often to good effect. Percy and Mrs. Weasley are completely left out... which did give Hermione a very funny job (she acts very much in a Mrs. W manner when trying to wake Ron). Charlie is mentioned but not portrayed. I won't even go into Flitwick (i don't really like the changes to him that they've made in the past two films), but i will say that the development of Neville was better than in the past. Dennis Creevey was a welcome addition. Nagini thankfully looked more menacing than the basilisk. Fawkes makes a small appearance. Moaning Myrtle was a bit too much, but overall the humor flowed a lot better. Several scenes were a joy to see because i care for these characters so much. Dame Maggie Smith, for instance, had a small but meaningful part.

Several cast changes were disturbing. Angelina Johnson for instance: what happened to Danielle Taylor/Tabor? Why did they make both the Patil twins Gryffindors? One is supposed to be a Ravenclaw! Why did they have to make Fleur look so incapable (she is a Champion, after all, she should know how to defend herself)? Why did they have to leave out Snuffles, Pig, Dobby, Winky, the Sphinx, and Rita Skeeter's end? Four out of six of those characters are very important to the plots of future books.

Lastly, why cut out the gift of the galleons to the twins? I think that with every film so far it has been the very ending that has failed the most to deliver. Overall, GoF is better but it still has room for improvement. TPTB were able to fit a lot into 2 1/2 hours, but they still just couldn't do the book justice... But as that's almost absolutely impossible i wasn't expecting them too, anyway.

Would i recommend? Yes. Will i go see it in the theater again? If i can. Will i buy the DVD? I can hardly wait for the deleted scenes! I look forward to dissecting the film in greater detail. All in all, it was a cold and sometimes stressful wait for tickets but a worthy way to spend the night of year six, month eleven, day seven, of my own little journey.

getting up

On Friday in Physics we had a quiz on the chapter that we have barely started (in other words, we were being tested on stuff we hadn't even covered yet). Then, in Acting I, we did an exercise called "Getting Up" in which we lay down on the floor and were supposed to take five minutes to get up (in slow mo basically). We weren't supposed to have any movement that wasn't related to getting up and we weren't supposed to stop moving.

Upon beginning i tried to sit up as slowly as possible (my first step): it took me sixty seconds. My teacher (Cowden) says: "Too fast, Kristine, start over." I lay back down and thought for a little while, my mind racing: "How am i supposed to sit up any slower? My abs can't take it. We're supposed to get up the same way we always get up, only slower, there's no way to do this. It's ludicrous." I sat up again. No one else had moved it seemed. I lay back down.

In preface to this activity Cowden emphatically stated: "If you don't want to fully participate then there's the door." I don't want the door. But this activity is impossible. There is no way for me to sit up so slowly that it takes three minutes. At the three minute mark i'm back sitting up and people are finally starting to move a little. I slowly move my hands to the floor beside me, palms down, and start to push myself (from my side now) up onto my knees. Things are finally going a bit better, but here it becomes obvious that this cannot be like the way i really get up because normally i just give a push and am up. But here, i'm going to have to walk my hands towards my knees so i can hold myself upright as i stand from a kneeling position. Four minutes.

I start to slowly lengthen my legs, getting a nice stretch (i can easily place my hands flat on the floor with my feet together and knees straight, so this is nice, but it's not an activity that's sole purpose is to get up). I slowly roll my shoulders up, am done about fifteen seconds short. We get back in a circle and talk about what happened. People say a lot of nonsense about having to concentrate a lot, etc., blah blah blah. Cowden mentions me being in fast forward or something. I say something about my abs not being strong enough to sit up that slowly and he just glares at me. I've seen this look before; it means, "I do not want to hear your excuses." I am this >< close to being thrown out.

We proceed to games where we make a machine out of ourselves, next time an instrument, then we do an exercise where we're split into groups and are given a bit to sing over and over and he changes little bits and we're all different "instruments". This was fun but he kept wanting us to get louder so i got rather hoarse.

Now. I do not want to complain needlessly. I'm not trying to have a bad attitude. I know i need to come out my shell and act crazy in public more often, particularly because i enjoy doing so and it's good development for my chosen profession. But being singled out as being too fast when i actually attempted the exercise as instructed while everyone else just lay there for three minutes is ludicrous.

I then feel like a fool because a friend shows me the call board which i couldn't find because Ivanov gave everyone bad directions. He said "Go down the hall past Cowden's office. It will probably be posted near his office, but it might be farther down towards the Dracula call board. So i go up and down that hall looking for the cast lists for three days and finally on the third day i find out that they were posted on Tuesday as promised and it's not past Cowden's office, it's beside his office in a little hall that only has an emergency exit, and every time i have gone down the main hall the light in this small hall off the main hall has been off and i couldn't even see said call board, let alone read it.

As you can imagine, i had a really lousy Friday.

I'm considering dropping Playwriting now because i don't know that i want to take another semester of Cowden. He's really funny, and inspirational, and then he can be a total jerk. He doesn't care to get to know me, or explain why i irritate him, or what i'm doing wrong, he just wants me to shut up and do something more, something that i have no idea how to discern what it is.

Why do i have to be so literal? Why can no one take ten minutes to explain what i'm doing wrong? Why is it like there was some big meeting that i missed where everything was spelled out for everyone to see but me? I hate it!

I didn't get cast in any of the ten one acts. What am i even doing in this department if i'm not going to get to act? To learn? To work? I am so upset and down about it all. It's the same every day. I hate it.

whew

It's been a long weekend. On Saturday morning i went to school at nine. We went over our scene that we present on Monday. There were lots of silly mistakes, but we know our lines (if we could simply spit them out!). I think we can do fine tomorrow; i hope we do fine.

At ten auditions began. I did ten cold readings in the space of four hours. At first it was fun, a bit akward because i was in the same room (and thus the same readings as) Chris Coon, who is a great actor but absolute stranger, but after a while it got exhausting. It was difficult to remain interested in the content. By the end i just wanted to eat and relax. I didn't get called back, which was actually sort of a relief because callbacks were right then. Cast list should go up Tuesday afternoon.

In Sunday school we're now in Job, a subject very close to my heart and that raises a lot of questions for me understandably. (:

Today was church per usual. I took my new hoody planning to basically just wear it outside and ended up wearing it 80% of the time. It wasn't even that cold outside, but it was chilly inside! The message was given by Bobby Vaughn, the Associate Pastor of Missions, and was about men being the spiritual leader in the home and women being submissive. It was pretty good. It was hard for me because (as you all know) i hate being single. He said his grandfather was married to the same woman for 70-some years and died at 102. He got married at my age or a little older, almost certainly had met her at my age. I haven't even met my Imzadi yet (as far as i know). It's just disheartening.

This afternoon my mom and i learned how to play Backgammon together. Not that hard, though i daresay there are probably rules and nuances that weren't covered in our copy of the rules.

At Wal-mat my sister got sick in the middle of an aisle and i got hair dye. See, i've decided to dye my hair dark brown for West Side Story auditions after all. Then, when it starts to fade a bit, i'll use the red-orange color from last time to highlight or cover accordingly. I don't expect the dark brown to stay dark brown for long. So my hair will not be Ginny-ish for GoF, more Harry-ish. I know it's not practical, i know it will be obvious that i did it just for the audition, but i just can't imagine myself auditioning with blazing orange hair.

AWANA went super fast. We only had six in T&T. Went well enough i guess. I thought one clubber was getting close to accepting the Lord, but i'm not sure. She might already be saved, but i just felt she was leaning that way. We were talking about Romans 3:23.

So i just finished my homework. I'm going to go downstairs and dye and shave my legs. Then i'll go to bed. Fun, fun, fun. Pray for us tomorrow, cuz we need it.

payday finally!

It's amazing how much spending a little money will make me feel better. Unfortunately i usually end up feeling guilty about buy so much for myself, but that hasn't kicked in yet. I made a one-time pledge to K-Love for tithe (it just felt right at the time), payed off my car insurance (until February if i'm not mistaken), and started my Christmas shopping. I finally got my snowboard back fully equipped, as well as a stomp pad (stars that go just right) and gloves that match it and my new jacket. I found a Fox hoody at Ross for $20 (all the hoodies in my Fox wishlist are about $50). And i bought dinner, some hygiene products (read: shampoo and conditioner and deoderant, all necessary), and some hair dye.

The dye i mulled over for a while: i wanted to dye my hair this cool red-orange again about a week ago. I didn't have the money. Then today a fellow acting major said she was going brunette for West Side Story auditions... so i wondered if i should, too. But i want to be a red head for the GoF premiere in particular, and WSS auditions are the Monday after: it's not very good for my hair or cost effective to dye twice so close. I finally just got the red stuff. If i get cast i'll dye my hair dark brown the week of the show, otherwise it will fade into a color that's too light.

One act auditions (sprung on us when they posted it Wednesday) are tomorrow.

I feel blessed but at the same time want to spend even more on myself but know i need to save since Work Study is over and i don't know that i'll be hired at Powderhorn or when my first paycheck would be. And i still have to do more Christmas shopping, i've only got presents for six out of thirteen people, and that doesn't include stocking stuffers or a gift for the "friend" my uncle is bringing along. And what if i have to buy presents for more family members than that? I like to give, but i always feel like my money is gone before i have it.