Well there was finally an e-mail today from the people who organized the 9 12 Project meetup, and they have been working on a website, so that is a relief. There is so much i wanted to write about yesterday afternoon while i was at work, so much that i heard on the radio that i wanted to respond to. i hardly recognize this country anymore.
Today i am exhausted, and don't remember or care to write about any of it. i'm so ready for the weekend, but of course even the weekend doesn't bring any rest. i've been praying, but then that doesn't bring any answers either.
Lately i have been thinking about Brad. For a while there was nothing i could think of to endear myself to him, there was nothing that i liked about him anymore. Now i don't know, i hardly remember what it was like to talk to him face to face. We had a lot of problems, there were a lot of things that i didn't like about our relationship that i couldn't change, and i don't want to be in a relationship where i want to change the man i'm with. But i would be lying if i said that i never loved him, that i do not still love him. i've been listening to a lot of music from while we were together, right after we separated, and i can still feel that. To be perfectly honest i don't know what to do about it. A part of me wants to reconnect with him, to try to patch things up, because i still love him, but i have a feeling that it would never work. i don't think that he loves me, he is closed off. The way he treated me is not the way a person treats someone that they love.
i have been abandoned quite literally, first by him, now by my sister and online "friends." i feel like i am getting nowhere in WoW, the leaders of the guild never schedule raids when i can be online, i'm now working an extra day a week, so instead of things getting easier they're getting even harder. i cannot keep doing this, i cannot sustain this. i don't know what to choose for my research paper for American Lit, i don't know how to do all my homework while i'm working, i can't find time to get on WoW, i don't get enough sleep, i don't have the time or energy to run, my life is a mess.
Brad used me; whenever he got drunk he would get depressed and come unload on Megan or me. i'm not saying that i don't care about what he's going through, but in the same token i have never been allowed to share what my needs are because he would just shut me down and ignore me. Every time i hear about how he's doing, he's still acting childish, he still seems to want to use me instead of share a life or even friendship. i can dream of what could have been, but rationally i have no reason to believe that such a future is even possible.
i keep thinking about Evanescence's Lithium: she sings about trying not to forget how she found herself when she was in the dark, how she doesn't want to let go of that as she gets "healthy." A perfect picture of my relationship with Brad is their song "Call Me When You're Sober." But when i listen to Ingrid Michaelson's "Die Alone," the lyrics say "don't be a fool girl ~ tell him you love him ~ don't be a fool girl ~ you're not above him," and i'm wondering if i'm just being a fool, if i'm too proud to forgive him for how he hurt me. i want to forgive him, even though he did the unthinkable. i don't know if that says more about me in terms of mercy or pure desperation.
Then there's the song i heard on K-Love earlier this week: "why are you looking for love ~ why are you still searching as if I'm not enough ~ to where will you go child ~ tell me where will you run ~ to where will you run." It's hard for me to listen to the mockery contained in a lyric like that; i fully believe it even while it's not apparent or "true" in my own life. i don't know how to look for / run to God anymore, i don't know how to pray to Him, because i never get any response. i have to be honest in my prayers, or i get a niggling of guilt, and i would rather "cover my hand with my mouth" than continue begging Him to respond.
In spiritual terms, i am not running anywhere, i cannot even get off the ground. i alternate between prostrating myself on the ground before Him and trying to crawl in the direction i think He must be. But what do i know? When it's pitch black because you're blind and utterly silent because you're deaf and you're in the midst of sensory deprivation then what do you have to go on? Spiritually that is where i am, for all i know i am caged, or falling through an abyss, because i might as well be when He does not respond or lead. He doesn't fulfill the promises He gave in the Bible, but maybe i shouldn't assume that those promises are meant for me, maybe they are only meant for the people He gave them to. i don't dwell on these things, because i don't want to be angry at God, i don't want to be blasphemous in my truth, i don't have the luxury of collapsing under the burden i carry, with no relief in sight, and i don't have the luxury of sitting back and waiting for Him to rescue me. A part of me wonders what the point of waiting is after a decade, whether He ever will come back to me (i always have felt in a sense like this is a sick, twisted version of the prodigal son)... but then i have to remember that i'm nothing without Him, that i can't do this on my own, and that's the entire reason my entire life has been so bad for the past decade, where all my tries have failed.
So what's the point of trying at all? Of course, what am i going to do, wander around in the desert like John the Baptist or run from coast to coast like Forest Gump? i don't ignore my life like that. We are meant to strive, we are meant to pursue, if i cease to do that then i cease to be. i don't know if i have already been destroyed in the fire, that's the way it feels, as if i have been melted away with the dross, but i have to have faith that God knows what He's doing in my life.
"Anything is better than to be alone"... she sings about forgiveness. i came to that a long time ago, i'm not mad anymore. Yet coming to what seems like it would be a life-shattering and -changing choice has changed nothing at all. i'm still in the same place. i never reach decisions or realizations that change everything. And i wonder if it's as simple as in the song Lithium, if i can just choose to let go of the darkness, of course she also singing about only knowing herself in the dark. And a part of me would rather have the dark, and a place where i can be honest with myself, than all the superficial things that i am striving for. i'd rather have spiritual and emotional truth than an empty life that is "successful." i like myself the way i am, angry about corrupt politicians, striving to make myself a better person, desperately wanting to fly in the face of authority but restraining myself as to not offend.
It's so funny, i'm always trying not to offend other people and no one gives a care about offending me... they do it all the time unapologetically. People treat me like something stuck on the bottom of their shoe, are rude, and it's construed as my fault, my problem. i keep remembering what my mother told me as a child, that it's rude to tell someone that they're being rude... Why is that? Wouldn't it be better to be honest, to call them out on their utter b.s., than to put up with it?
Succumbing to politics because the example fits: on Boortz this morning was a former adviser of Margaret Thatcher's, Christopher Monckton. He was talking about Global Warming, how Al Gore won't respond to his challenge to a debate, how the thermometers that are monitoring the huge "rise" in temperatures are purposefully positioned next to manmade machines and urban developments that will artificially raise the temperature, how the scientists have manipulated the figures from decades ago in order to make their findings appear legit. These scientists are perpetrating a gigantic hoax for fame and glory. He has found 35 errors in An Inconvenient Truth. So, are Boortz and Monckton wrong to call these people liars? That's what they are, and so many people believe them.
i think that one of the biggest problems with out country right now is that the people who know the truth are silenced. It isn't socially acceptable to be the voice of dissent, to not be politically correct, and as a result so many people are simply ignorant of the truth. Take that video i posted yesterday: with everything that Congress has done in this year alone, how are we not marching to DC right now? It's insanity. We're letting them get away with things that are illegal. What are we going to do about it? Anyway, that's what i'be been trying to figure out.
Showing posts with label music. Show all posts
Showing posts with label music. Show all posts
Friday, March 20, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
running realization
i have been a bad girl, i haven't run since last Thursday. Standing on my feet for nine hours straight on Saturday really took it out of me... my lower back and hips have been bothering me for the first time in months.
On a similar but related note, i just figured out for the first time why it is that i enjoy running to techno / electronica / house / trance so much, why it gets my heart pumping and makes me feel like kickboxing: because that's the kind of music they had on Alias.
On a similar but related note, i just figured out for the first time why it is that i enjoy running to techno / electronica / house / trance so much, why it gets my heart pumping and makes me feel like kickboxing: because that's the kind of music they had on Alias.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
No (500th post)
i started listening to Shakira about the time i started dating Brad. i always liked the way this song sounded but never looked up the english translation of the lyrics until recently when the song got stuck in my head. It turns out that this is what i've been going through over the past two months... i never knew that this little song would apply so much to my own life and experience.
no ~ no intentes disculparte no juegues a insistir ~ las excusas ya existían antes de ti ~ no ~ no me mires como antes no hables en plural ~ la retórica es tu arma más letal
voy a pedirte que no vuelvas más ~ siento que me dueles todavía aquí ~ adentro ~ y que a tu edad sepas bien lo que es ~ romperle el corazón a alguien así
no se puede vivir con tanto veneno ~ la esperanza que me da tu amor no me la dió más nadie, te juro, no miento ~ no se puede vivir con tanto veneno ~ no se puede dedicar el alma a acumular intentos pesa más la rabia que el cemento
espero ~ que no esperes que te espere después de mis veintiseis ~ la paciencia se me ha ido hasta los pies ~ y voy ~ deshojando margaritas y mirando sin mirar ~ para ver si así te irritas y te vas
voy a pedirte que no vuelvas más ~ siento que me dueles todavía aquí ~ adentro ~ y que a tu edad sepas bien lo que es ~ romperle el corazón a alguien así
no se puede vivir con tanto veneno ~ la esperanza que me da tu amor no me la dió más nadie, te juro, no miento ~ no se puede vivir con tanto veneno ~ no se puede dedicar el alma a acumular intentos pesa más la rabia que el cemento
no se puede morir con tanto veneno ~ no se puede dedicar el alma ~ a acumular intentos ~ pesa más la rabia que el cemento
no se puede vivir con tanto veneno ~ no
(English translation)
no ~ don't try to apologize, don't play the game of persistence ~ excuses existed before you did ~ no ~ don't look at me like you did before, don't talk in plural ~ rhetoric is your most lethal weapon
i'm going to ask you not to come back ever again ~ i feel that you are still hurting me here inside ~ and that at your age you should know well ~ what it's like to break someone's heart like this
no, one can live with so much venom ~ the hope your love gives me no one else gave me i swear, i'm not lying ~ no, one can live with so much venom ~ one shouldn't devote the soul to collecting attempts, rage weighs more than cement
i hope ~ you don't expect me to wait for you ~ after turning twenty-six ~ patience has sunk all the way down to my feet ~ so here ~ i pluck daisy petals and i'm looking without seeing ~ to find out if you'll get irritated and leave
i'm going to ask you not to come back ever again ~ i feel that you are still hurting me here inside ~ and that at your age you should know well ~ what it's like to break someone's heart like this
no, one can live with so much venom ~ the hope your love gives me no one else gave me i swear, i'm not lying ~ no, one can live with so much venom ~ one shouldn't devote the soul to collecting attempts, rage weighs more than cement
no, one can't live with so much venom ~ no
no ~ no intentes disculparte no juegues a insistir ~ las excusas ya existían antes de ti ~ no ~ no me mires como antes no hables en plural ~ la retórica es tu arma más letal
voy a pedirte que no vuelvas más ~ siento que me dueles todavía aquí ~ adentro ~ y que a tu edad sepas bien lo que es ~ romperle el corazón a alguien así
no se puede vivir con tanto veneno ~ la esperanza que me da tu amor no me la dió más nadie, te juro, no miento ~ no se puede vivir con tanto veneno ~ no se puede dedicar el alma a acumular intentos pesa más la rabia que el cemento
espero ~ que no esperes que te espere después de mis veintiseis ~ la paciencia se me ha ido hasta los pies ~ y voy ~ deshojando margaritas y mirando sin mirar ~ para ver si así te irritas y te vas
voy a pedirte que no vuelvas más ~ siento que me dueles todavía aquí ~ adentro ~ y que a tu edad sepas bien lo que es ~ romperle el corazón a alguien así
no se puede vivir con tanto veneno ~ la esperanza que me da tu amor no me la dió más nadie, te juro, no miento ~ no se puede vivir con tanto veneno ~ no se puede dedicar el alma a acumular intentos pesa más la rabia que el cemento
no se puede morir con tanto veneno ~ no se puede dedicar el alma ~ a acumular intentos ~ pesa más la rabia que el cemento
no se puede vivir con tanto veneno ~ no
(English translation)
no ~ don't try to apologize, don't play the game of persistence ~ excuses existed before you did ~ no ~ don't look at me like you did before, don't talk in plural ~ rhetoric is your most lethal weapon
i'm going to ask you not to come back ever again ~ i feel that you are still hurting me here inside ~ and that at your age you should know well ~ what it's like to break someone's heart like this
no, one can live with so much venom ~ the hope your love gives me no one else gave me i swear, i'm not lying ~ no, one can live with so much venom ~ one shouldn't devote the soul to collecting attempts, rage weighs more than cement
i hope ~ you don't expect me to wait for you ~ after turning twenty-six ~ patience has sunk all the way down to my feet ~ so here ~ i pluck daisy petals and i'm looking without seeing ~ to find out if you'll get irritated and leave
i'm going to ask you not to come back ever again ~ i feel that you are still hurting me here inside ~ and that at your age you should know well ~ what it's like to break someone's heart like this
no, one can live with so much venom ~ the hope your love gives me no one else gave me i swear, i'm not lying ~ no, one can live with so much venom ~ one shouldn't devote the soul to collecting attempts, rage weighs more than cement
no, one can't live with so much venom ~ no
Monday, February 25, 2008
stuck in my head... re: on fire again
they tell you where you need to go ~ tell you when you need to leave ~ they tell you what you need to know ~ tell you who you need to be ~ but everything inside you knows there's more than what you’ve heard ~ there's so much more than empty conversations filled with empty words
and you’re on fire when He’s near you ~ you’re on fire when He speaks ~ you’re on fire burning at these mysteries
give me one more time around ~ give me one more chance to see ~ give me everything You are ~ give me one more chance to be near you ~ when everything inside me looks like everything i hate ~ You are the hope i have for change ~ You are the only chance i’ll take
i’m on fire when you’re near me ~ i’m on fire when you speak ~ and i’m on fire burning at these mysteries
i’m standing on the edge of me ~ i'm standing on the edge of everything i've never been before
~ On Fire by Switchfoot
and you’re on fire when He’s near you ~ you’re on fire when He speaks ~ you’re on fire burning at these mysteries
give me one more time around ~ give me one more chance to see ~ give me everything You are ~ give me one more chance to be near you ~ when everything inside me looks like everything i hate ~ You are the hope i have for change ~ You are the only chance i’ll take
i’m on fire when you’re near me ~ i’m on fire when you speak ~ and i’m on fire burning at these mysteries
i’m standing on the edge of me ~ i'm standing on the edge of everything i've never been before
~ On Fire by Switchfoot
Thursday, November 22, 2007
stuck in my head... and heart
the storm is coming but i don't mind ~ people are dying; i close my blinds ~ all that i know is i'm breathing now
i want to change the world instead i sleep ~ i want to believe in more than you and me
but all that i know is i'm breathing ~ all i can do is keep breathing ~ all we can do is keep breathing ~ now
~ Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson
there are no guarantees in life ~ not for the present nor for the future ~ all i know is that i'm here ~ don't know for how long ~ i love the way you live so intensely ~ enjoy every minute of life ~ with space to swing your arms around ~ laughing loudly
unlike me ~ unlike me ~ do you think i'm strange ~ unlike you ~ unlike you ~ i am not pretending ~ there is no time ~ there is no time ~ there is no time ~ time doesn't really exist
the past, the present, and the future ~ are all side by side, hand in hand ~ you move and change yet you go nowhere ~ everything stays the same (the same) ~ you stare at me and ask me questions ~ makes me nervous (mm) ~ this room it keeps a constant tone ~ while i'm on a roller coaster
unlike me ~ unlike me ~ do you think i'm strange ~ unlike you ~ unlike you ~ i am not pretending ~ there is no time ~ there is no time ~ there is no time ~ time doesn't really exist
i dream ~ more life ~ i dream ~ more ~ time
~ Unlike Me by Kate Havnevik
i climbed up a mountain and looked off the edge ~ at all of the lies that i never have led ~ is one where i stayed with you across the sea ~ i wonder do you still think of me ~ i carry your image always in my head ~ folded and yellowed and torn at the edge ~ and i've look upon it for so many years ~ slowly i am losing your face
oh the ocean rolls us away ~ away ~ away ~ the ocean rolls us away
sixes and sevens we live on jet planes ~ so many faces i don't know the names ~ so many friends now and none of them mine ~ forgotten as soon as we meet ~ all of these moments are lost in time ~ but you're caught on my head like a thorn on a vine ~ to forever don't mend me and i wonder why ~ do i wish that i'd never known you at all
oh the ocean rolls us away ~ away ~ away ~ the ocean rolls us away
the sun and the moon of an ocean of air ~ so many voices and nothing is there ~ but the ghost of you asking me why ~ why did i leave
oh the ocean rolls us away ~ away ~ away ~ the ocean rolls us away
and i lose your hand through the waves
~ The Ocean by the Bravery
take a look at my body ~ look at my hands ~ there's so much here that i don't understand ~ your face saving promises ~ whispered like prayers ~ i don't need them
cuz i've been treated so wrong ~ i've been treated so long ~ as if i'm becoming untouchable
well contempt loves the silence ~ it thrives in the dark ~ the fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart ~ they say that promises sweeten the blow ~ but i don't need them ~ no i don't need them
i've been treated so wrong ~ i've been treated so long ~ as if i'm becoming untouchable ~ i'm a slow dying flower ~ i'm the frost killing hour ~ sweet turning sour and untouchable
oh i need the darkness ~ the sweetness ~ the sadness ~ the weakness ~ oo i need this ~ i need a lullabye ~ a kiss goodnight ~ angel sweet love of my life ~ oh i need this
i'm a slow dying flower ~ frost killing hour ~ the sweet turning sour and untouchable
do you remember the way that you touched me before ~ all the trembling sweetness i loved and adored ~ your face saving promises whispered like prayers ~ i don't need them
i need the darkness ~ the sweetness ~ the sadness ~ the weakness ~ oo i need this ~ i need a lullaby ~ a kiss goodnight ~ angel sweet love of my life ~ oh i need this ~ well is it dark enough ~ can you see me ~ do you want me ~ can you reach me ~ or i'm leaving ~ you better shut your mouth ~ and hold your breath ~ you kiss me now ~ you catch your death ~ oh i mean this ~ oh i need this
~ My Skin by Natalie Merchant
we'll do it all ~ everything ~ on our own ~ we don't need ~ anything ~ or anyone
if i lay here ~ if i just lay here ~ would you lie with me and just forget the world
i don't quite know ~ how to say ~ how i feel ~ those three words ~ are said too much ~ they're not enough
if i lay here ~ if i just lay here ~ would you lie with me and just forget the world ~ forget what we're told ~ before we get too old ~ show me a garden that's bursting into life
let's waste time ~ chasing cars ~ around our heads ~ i need your grace ~ to remind me ~ to find my own
if i lay here ~ if i just lay here ~ would you lie with me and just forget the world ~ forget what we're told ~ before we get too old ~ show me a garden that's bursting into life
all that i am ~ all that i ever was ~ is here in your perfect eyes ~ they're all I can see ~ i don't know where ~confused about how as well ~ just know that these things will never change for us at all
if i lay here ~ if i just lay here ~ would you lie with me and just forget the world
~ Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
2 AM and she calls me cuz i'm still awake ~ "Can you help me unravel my latest mistake? ~ I don't love him ~ winter just wasn't my season" ~ yeah we walk through the doors so accusing their eyes ~ like they have any right at all to criticize ~ hypocrites you're all here for the very same reason
cuz you can't jump the track we're like cars on a cable ~ and life's like an hourglass glued to the table ~ no one can find the rewind button girl ~ so cradle your head in your hands
and breathe ~ just breathe ~ oh breathe ~ just breathe
May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss ~ just the day he sat down to the flask in his fist ~ ain't been sober since maybe October of last year ~ here in town you can tell he's been down for a while ~ but, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles ~ wanna hold him ~ maybe i'll just sing about it
cuz you can't jump the track we're like cars on a cable ~ and life's like an hourglass glued to the table ~ no one can find the rewind button boys ~ so cradle your head in your hands
and breathe ~ just breathe ~ oh breathe ~ just breathe
there's a light at each end of this tunnel ~ you shout cuz you're just as far in as you'll ever be out ~ and these mistakes you've made ~ you'll just make them again ~
if you only try turning around
2 AM and i'm still awake writing a song ~ if i get it all down on paper ~ it's no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to ~ and i feel like i'm naked in front of the crowd ~ cuz these words are my diary screaming out loud ~ and i know that you'll use them however you want to
but you can't jump the track ~ we're like cars on a cable ~ and life's like an hourglass glued to the table ~ no one can find the rewind button now ~ sing it if you understand
and breathe ~ just breathe ~ oh breathe ~ just breathe
~ Breathe (2 AM) by Anna Nalick
i'm on my knees ~ only memories ~ are left for me to hold ~ don't know how ~ but i'll get by ~ slowly pull myself together
(oh) i'll get through this (oh)
there's no escape ~ so keep me safe ~ this feels so unreal
nothing comes easily ~ fill this empty space ~ nothing is like it seems ~ turn my grief to grace
i feel the cold ~ loneliness unfold ~ like from another world ~ come what may ~ i won't fade away ~ but i know i might change
nothing comes easily ~ fill this empty space ~ nothing is like it seems ~ turn my grief to grace
nothing comes easily ~ where do i begin? ~ nothing can bring me peace ~ i've lost everything ~ i just want to feel your embrace
i love you
~ Grace by Kate Havnevik
i want to change the world instead i sleep ~ i want to believe in more than you and me
but all that i know is i'm breathing ~ all i can do is keep breathing ~ all we can do is keep breathing ~ now
~ Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson
there are no guarantees in life ~ not for the present nor for the future ~ all i know is that i'm here ~ don't know for how long ~ i love the way you live so intensely ~ enjoy every minute of life ~ with space to swing your arms around ~ laughing loudly
unlike me ~ unlike me ~ do you think i'm strange ~ unlike you ~ unlike you ~ i am not pretending ~ there is no time ~ there is no time ~ there is no time ~ time doesn't really exist
the past, the present, and the future ~ are all side by side, hand in hand ~ you move and change yet you go nowhere ~ everything stays the same (the same) ~ you stare at me and ask me questions ~ makes me nervous (mm) ~ this room it keeps a constant tone ~ while i'm on a roller coaster
unlike me ~ unlike me ~ do you think i'm strange ~ unlike you ~ unlike you ~ i am not pretending ~ there is no time ~ there is no time ~ there is no time ~ time doesn't really exist
i dream ~ more life ~ i dream ~ more ~ time
~ Unlike Me by Kate Havnevik
i climbed up a mountain and looked off the edge ~ at all of the lies that i never have led ~ is one where i stayed with you across the sea ~ i wonder do you still think of me ~ i carry your image always in my head ~ folded and yellowed and torn at the edge ~ and i've look upon it for so many years ~ slowly i am losing your face
oh the ocean rolls us away ~ away ~ away ~ the ocean rolls us away
sixes and sevens we live on jet planes ~ so many faces i don't know the names ~ so many friends now and none of them mine ~ forgotten as soon as we meet ~ all of these moments are lost in time ~ but you're caught on my head like a thorn on a vine ~ to forever don't mend me and i wonder why ~ do i wish that i'd never known you at all
oh the ocean rolls us away ~ away ~ away ~ the ocean rolls us away
the sun and the moon of an ocean of air ~ so many voices and nothing is there ~ but the ghost of you asking me why ~ why did i leave
oh the ocean rolls us away ~ away ~ away ~ the ocean rolls us away
and i lose your hand through the waves
~ The Ocean by the Bravery
take a look at my body ~ look at my hands ~ there's so much here that i don't understand ~ your face saving promises ~ whispered like prayers ~ i don't need them
cuz i've been treated so wrong ~ i've been treated so long ~ as if i'm becoming untouchable
well contempt loves the silence ~ it thrives in the dark ~ the fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart ~ they say that promises sweeten the blow ~ but i don't need them ~ no i don't need them
i've been treated so wrong ~ i've been treated so long ~ as if i'm becoming untouchable ~ i'm a slow dying flower ~ i'm the frost killing hour ~ sweet turning sour and untouchable
oh i need the darkness ~ the sweetness ~ the sadness ~ the weakness ~ oo i need this ~ i need a lullabye ~ a kiss goodnight ~ angel sweet love of my life ~ oh i need this
i'm a slow dying flower ~ frost killing hour ~ the sweet turning sour and untouchable
do you remember the way that you touched me before ~ all the trembling sweetness i loved and adored ~ your face saving promises whispered like prayers ~ i don't need them
i need the darkness ~ the sweetness ~ the sadness ~ the weakness ~ oo i need this ~ i need a lullaby ~ a kiss goodnight ~ angel sweet love of my life ~ oh i need this ~ well is it dark enough ~ can you see me ~ do you want me ~ can you reach me ~ or i'm leaving ~ you better shut your mouth ~ and hold your breath ~ you kiss me now ~ you catch your death ~ oh i mean this ~ oh i need this
~ My Skin by Natalie Merchant
we'll do it all ~ everything ~ on our own ~ we don't need ~ anything ~ or anyone
if i lay here ~ if i just lay here ~ would you lie with me and just forget the world
i don't quite know ~ how to say ~ how i feel ~ those three words ~ are said too much ~ they're not enough
if i lay here ~ if i just lay here ~ would you lie with me and just forget the world ~ forget what we're told ~ before we get too old ~ show me a garden that's bursting into life
let's waste time ~ chasing cars ~ around our heads ~ i need your grace ~ to remind me ~ to find my own
if i lay here ~ if i just lay here ~ would you lie with me and just forget the world ~ forget what we're told ~ before we get too old ~ show me a garden that's bursting into life
all that i am ~ all that i ever was ~ is here in your perfect eyes ~ they're all I can see ~ i don't know where ~confused about how as well ~ just know that these things will never change for us at all
if i lay here ~ if i just lay here ~ would you lie with me and just forget the world
~ Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
2 AM and she calls me cuz i'm still awake ~ "Can you help me unravel my latest mistake? ~ I don't love him ~ winter just wasn't my season" ~ yeah we walk through the doors so accusing their eyes ~ like they have any right at all to criticize ~ hypocrites you're all here for the very same reason
cuz you can't jump the track we're like cars on a cable ~ and life's like an hourglass glued to the table ~ no one can find the rewind button girl ~ so cradle your head in your hands
and breathe ~ just breathe ~ oh breathe ~ just breathe
May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss ~ just the day he sat down to the flask in his fist ~ ain't been sober since maybe October of last year ~ here in town you can tell he's been down for a while ~ but, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles ~ wanna hold him ~ maybe i'll just sing about it
cuz you can't jump the track we're like cars on a cable ~ and life's like an hourglass glued to the table ~ no one can find the rewind button boys ~ so cradle your head in your hands
and breathe ~ just breathe ~ oh breathe ~ just breathe
there's a light at each end of this tunnel ~ you shout cuz you're just as far in as you'll ever be out ~ and these mistakes you've made ~ you'll just make them again ~
if you only try turning around
2 AM and i'm still awake writing a song ~ if i get it all down on paper ~ it's no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to ~ and i feel like i'm naked in front of the crowd ~ cuz these words are my diary screaming out loud ~ and i know that you'll use them however you want to
but you can't jump the track ~ we're like cars on a cable ~ and life's like an hourglass glued to the table ~ no one can find the rewind button now ~ sing it if you understand
and breathe ~ just breathe ~ oh breathe ~ just breathe
~ Breathe (2 AM) by Anna Nalick
i'm on my knees ~ only memories ~ are left for me to hold ~ don't know how ~ but i'll get by ~ slowly pull myself together
(oh) i'll get through this (oh)
there's no escape ~ so keep me safe ~ this feels so unreal
nothing comes easily ~ fill this empty space ~ nothing is like it seems ~ turn my grief to grace
i feel the cold ~ loneliness unfold ~ like from another world ~ come what may ~ i won't fade away ~ but i know i might change
nothing comes easily ~ fill this empty space ~ nothing is like it seems ~ turn my grief to grace
nothing comes easily ~ where do i begin? ~ nothing can bring me peace ~ i've lost everything ~ i just want to feel your embrace
i love you
~ Grace by Kate Havnevik
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Friday, July 06, 2007
American Idol auditions
Well some prelimenary info is finally up for the newest round of American Idol auditions, and they'll be in Atlanta on August 14 and in Charleston August 18. So i have two chances to go this year, as i'll almost definitely be in Savannah in August.
American Idol auditions are a tricky thing for me. There was one year i thought about going and then decided not to try out, two years where i wanted to go quite badly and couldn't make it, and last year i didn't even pay attention to it. i've been told several times from different sources over the past five years that i should audition on the show. i've been singing in choirs for a long time, and don't know if that is what i want to spend the rest of my life singing professionally, but it could be a great opportunity for me as a career platform. Somehow i've always felt / known in the back of my mind that season seven would be the year for me, and here it is, season seven. When i was applying at Full Sail i knew that it would mean missing American Idol auditions, or at least conflict with being on the show were i to be accepted, so in the back of my mind i have felt pretty certain that if Full Sail fell through that American Idol auditions would be my next goal.
My voice is not at its strongest right now: i haven't been in a choir for over a year now, i just haven't had the time. This week i've been trying to sing more, a little bit every day, building my voice back up. i need to start doing warmups again, like we did in Mrs. Niles' class, if i'm going to be serious about this. More than anything i need to leave this up to God and in His hands. But i have always known that i love to sing, that people enjoy my voice, and that if i'm doing it for God then He will use the gift He gave me to His own glory.
Something that really bothers me about the music industry today is how fake people are when they're singing on late night tv shows or on shows like Today and GMA. They're dressed in a certain way, groomed in a certain way, everything is choreographed, and everything rarely seems genuine. i don't want to be that as a performer. i know that God is going to use me to change the world, and it's not going to be of my own power, it's going to be using the methods He chooses. i can't change to world, i don't have the power, i don't have any idea what needs to be done, i have no right to assume that i have all the answers, but i've known for as long as i can remember that He would use me because i am open to Him.
Something that i have been struggling with a lot lately is surrendering everything to Him. i always feel like i have, i tell Him over and over that everything i have and am and ever will be is His, but then He points out an area where it isn't really true. i don't know how to give up on the dream of getting married and having children; i would give up everything for these two dreams to come true, everything and anything. Being an actress, writer, singer, director, those are not my biggest goals; wife and mother is my biggest heart's cry, but i don't know that it's in God's will anymore. There was a time when i was sure He would give those things to me, but now i don't know. So i'm trying to reconcile the possibility of always being alone (in a sense of being single), childless or barren, a virgin. Yes, i will not throw my virginity away, but that doesn't make it easy at all. It's hard to give up these dreams when they were wired into me before i have memory and are what i believe every woman is called to be.
Some other things that i don't know how to deal with is my anger, impatience, and helplessness. i don't know how to be stronger. i know that i can't do anything without God, but somehow i feel that He's expecting more of me, strength and faith that i cannot give because of my feelngs of betrayal and anger. Everything around me lies to me that He doesn't care, that nothing in my life will ever get better. It's been so long that i believe the lies more than i believe God, even though i know full well that they're lies.
Watching the newest Pirates of the Caribbean speaks to me with its concept of waiting ten years for one day together, and i believe in the sanctity and purity and strength of love, and as much as i love God i don't think that i can wait ten years for Him, especially if it's only for one day. The music from that movie, the track entitled One Day, speaks to my very soul, is part of my being, as if it was known before it was heard. i cling to the last hope that i will always be faithful to God, that i would wait ten years if that is what it would take, even while knowing that i have failed Him, that i cannot wait ten years and do not want to. This seventh year in the dark night of the soul has been one of shame for me because i have practically given up on seeking Him. His Word promises that if we take one step towards Him then He will run to us, but i do not know which direction to take that step in, i have wandered aimlessly, searching with all that is in me, and He does not answer in a way that i can hear, He does not run to me, He still stands apart, watching me from afar. This feels like a betrayal of the worst kind because i have striven to give up everything that He has asked of me. i cannot give up Him, but at the same time i already have, i cannot keep wandering, i have no strength left, so i wait, and i pray from time to time, but it hurts too much to give as much as i know i should and wish i could. Still i cling to the hope that my one day will come despite the fact that i hardly know how to hope anymore.
Hand in hand with these issues are my anger and impatience: i'm mad at God for His silence, because i'm single, because i'm still a virgin, because i'm not a mother, because my life stinks, because i am doing nothing to changing the world. i have tried telling myself that the world isn't ready, my future husband isn't ready, i cannot support a child, but over the months and days i have begun to wonder if it is me who isn't ready. i don't know what to do, i don't know who and what God wants me to be, but i do know that i don't want to have this anger and impatience in my life, i don't want to pass it down to my children as it was passed to me, and i feel helpless to change it. i don't feel the same way towards my father as i once did, i think i've finally forgiven him and seen some of the good qualities in him that i couldn't before, but i feel powerless when it comes to breaking the cycle. i get annoyed when playing video games and the controls don't respond as i feel they should, when driving behind or around slowpokes and crazy drivers, when the kids get too loud and i have a headache or am overtired. i don't want to embody the negative qualities of my parents. Glenn Beck was talking about this a few days ago, he said that we have to replace those behaviours / attitudes / actions with new ones or we'll simply do what we were brought up observing. So what do i replace the negative with? i need to figure this out before i start repeating the mistakes, not afterwards. i don't know how to do this.
i've become selfish, not entirely in a bad way, but in some ways definitely. i'm tired of letting people take advantage of me, but i'm not sure how God wants me to act, to stand against injustice or turn the other cheek. Jesus did both things within His lifetime, what is His will for each situation? Is it always the same? i see so many things wrong with the country, the church, the list goes on, but am i supposed to be the one to bring change or let it go? What is it that God wants me to do??? i would be happy being the wife of the man who brings change, the mother of the person who brings change (though i don't think there's enough time left for that), the production assistant of that person, the friend of them, who am i to assume that it will be me? But i think it is me, i keep wondering if i will be a prophet, if i have enough faith to perform miracles as the disciples did, what it is that God wants me to do. It's not about me, it's about my willingness to be sent, to do His will, to do something that others may not be willing to do. i am willing to die for Him, the question is if i have enough strength and faith to live for Him. But i don't know the answers, i am still a work in progress.
American Idol auditions are a tricky thing for me. There was one year i thought about going and then decided not to try out, two years where i wanted to go quite badly and couldn't make it, and last year i didn't even pay attention to it. i've been told several times from different sources over the past five years that i should audition on the show. i've been singing in choirs for a long time, and don't know if that is what i want to spend the rest of my life singing professionally, but it could be a great opportunity for me as a career platform. Somehow i've always felt / known in the back of my mind that season seven would be the year for me, and here it is, season seven. When i was applying at Full Sail i knew that it would mean missing American Idol auditions, or at least conflict with being on the show were i to be accepted, so in the back of my mind i have felt pretty certain that if Full Sail fell through that American Idol auditions would be my next goal.
My voice is not at its strongest right now: i haven't been in a choir for over a year now, i just haven't had the time. This week i've been trying to sing more, a little bit every day, building my voice back up. i need to start doing warmups again, like we did in Mrs. Niles' class, if i'm going to be serious about this. More than anything i need to leave this up to God and in His hands. But i have always known that i love to sing, that people enjoy my voice, and that if i'm doing it for God then He will use the gift He gave me to His own glory.
Something that really bothers me about the music industry today is how fake people are when they're singing on late night tv shows or on shows like Today and GMA. They're dressed in a certain way, groomed in a certain way, everything is choreographed, and everything rarely seems genuine. i don't want to be that as a performer. i know that God is going to use me to change the world, and it's not going to be of my own power, it's going to be using the methods He chooses. i can't change to world, i don't have the power, i don't have any idea what needs to be done, i have no right to assume that i have all the answers, but i've known for as long as i can remember that He would use me because i am open to Him.
Something that i have been struggling with a lot lately is surrendering everything to Him. i always feel like i have, i tell Him over and over that everything i have and am and ever will be is His, but then He points out an area where it isn't really true. i don't know how to give up on the dream of getting married and having children; i would give up everything for these two dreams to come true, everything and anything. Being an actress, writer, singer, director, those are not my biggest goals; wife and mother is my biggest heart's cry, but i don't know that it's in God's will anymore. There was a time when i was sure He would give those things to me, but now i don't know. So i'm trying to reconcile the possibility of always being alone (in a sense of being single), childless or barren, a virgin. Yes, i will not throw my virginity away, but that doesn't make it easy at all. It's hard to give up these dreams when they were wired into me before i have memory and are what i believe every woman is called to be.
Some other things that i don't know how to deal with is my anger, impatience, and helplessness. i don't know how to be stronger. i know that i can't do anything without God, but somehow i feel that He's expecting more of me, strength and faith that i cannot give because of my feelngs of betrayal and anger. Everything around me lies to me that He doesn't care, that nothing in my life will ever get better. It's been so long that i believe the lies more than i believe God, even though i know full well that they're lies.
Watching the newest Pirates of the Caribbean speaks to me with its concept of waiting ten years for one day together, and i believe in the sanctity and purity and strength of love, and as much as i love God i don't think that i can wait ten years for Him, especially if it's only for one day. The music from that movie, the track entitled One Day, speaks to my very soul, is part of my being, as if it was known before it was heard. i cling to the last hope that i will always be faithful to God, that i would wait ten years if that is what it would take, even while knowing that i have failed Him, that i cannot wait ten years and do not want to. This seventh year in the dark night of the soul has been one of shame for me because i have practically given up on seeking Him. His Word promises that if we take one step towards Him then He will run to us, but i do not know which direction to take that step in, i have wandered aimlessly, searching with all that is in me, and He does not answer in a way that i can hear, He does not run to me, He still stands apart, watching me from afar. This feels like a betrayal of the worst kind because i have striven to give up everything that He has asked of me. i cannot give up Him, but at the same time i already have, i cannot keep wandering, i have no strength left, so i wait, and i pray from time to time, but it hurts too much to give as much as i know i should and wish i could. Still i cling to the hope that my one day will come despite the fact that i hardly know how to hope anymore.
Hand in hand with these issues are my anger and impatience: i'm mad at God for His silence, because i'm single, because i'm still a virgin, because i'm not a mother, because my life stinks, because i am doing nothing to changing the world. i have tried telling myself that the world isn't ready, my future husband isn't ready, i cannot support a child, but over the months and days i have begun to wonder if it is me who isn't ready. i don't know what to do, i don't know who and what God wants me to be, but i do know that i don't want to have this anger and impatience in my life, i don't want to pass it down to my children as it was passed to me, and i feel helpless to change it. i don't feel the same way towards my father as i once did, i think i've finally forgiven him and seen some of the good qualities in him that i couldn't before, but i feel powerless when it comes to breaking the cycle. i get annoyed when playing video games and the controls don't respond as i feel they should, when driving behind or around slowpokes and crazy drivers, when the kids get too loud and i have a headache or am overtired. i don't want to embody the negative qualities of my parents. Glenn Beck was talking about this a few days ago, he said that we have to replace those behaviours / attitudes / actions with new ones or we'll simply do what we were brought up observing. So what do i replace the negative with? i need to figure this out before i start repeating the mistakes, not afterwards. i don't know how to do this.
i've become selfish, not entirely in a bad way, but in some ways definitely. i'm tired of letting people take advantage of me, but i'm not sure how God wants me to act, to stand against injustice or turn the other cheek. Jesus did both things within His lifetime, what is His will for each situation? Is it always the same? i see so many things wrong with the country, the church, the list goes on, but am i supposed to be the one to bring change or let it go? What is it that God wants me to do??? i would be happy being the wife of the man who brings change, the mother of the person who brings change (though i don't think there's enough time left for that), the production assistant of that person, the friend of them, who am i to assume that it will be me? But i think it is me, i keep wondering if i will be a prophet, if i have enough faith to perform miracles as the disciples did, what it is that God wants me to do. It's not about me, it's about my willingness to be sent, to do His will, to do something that others may not be willing to do. i am willing to die for Him, the question is if i have enough strength and faith to live for Him. But i don't know the answers, i am still a work in progress.
Friday, June 22, 2007
interesting song
Linkin Park was on Jimmy Kimmel again tonight (rerun) and i remember noticing this song the first time (i've probably heard it other times, too). i like their lyrics and wonder if i should check out more of their songs.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
stuck in my head
no one told me the right way to go about this ~ so i'll figure it out for myself ~ cuze how much is too much to give you ~ well i may never know so i'll just give until there's nothing else
yeah i'll give give give ~ until there's nothing else ~ give my all ~ until it all runs out ~ give give ~ and i'll have no regrets ~ i'll give until there's nothing left ~ i'll give
no one told me how bad i need you ~ but i somehow arrived at that conclusion all by myself ~ and i want all you have to offer ~ so i'll offer myself and i'll just give until there's nothing else
and i'll give give give ~ until there's nothing else ~ give my all ~ until it all runs out ~ give give ~ and i'll have no regrets ~ i'll give until there's nothing left ~ i'll give
sometimes it seems like all i ever do ~ is ask for things until i ask too much of you ~ but that is not the way that i want to live ~ i need to change ~ yeah something's gotta give
yeah something's got to give give give ~ until there's nothing else ~ give my all ~ until it all runs out ~ give give ~ and i'll have no regrets ~ i'll give until there's nothing left ~ i'll give
~ Give by Relient K from Five Score and Seven Years Ago
yeah i'll give give give ~ until there's nothing else ~ give my all ~ until it all runs out ~ give give ~ and i'll have no regrets ~ i'll give until there's nothing left ~ i'll give
no one told me how bad i need you ~ but i somehow arrived at that conclusion all by myself ~ and i want all you have to offer ~ so i'll offer myself and i'll just give until there's nothing else
and i'll give give give ~ until there's nothing else ~ give my all ~ until it all runs out ~ give give ~ and i'll have no regrets ~ i'll give until there's nothing left ~ i'll give
sometimes it seems like all i ever do ~ is ask for things until i ask too much of you ~ but that is not the way that i want to live ~ i need to change ~ yeah something's gotta give
yeah something's got to give give give ~ until there's nothing else ~ give my all ~ until it all runs out ~ give give ~ and i'll have no regrets ~ i'll give until there's nothing left ~ i'll give
~ Give by Relient K from Five Score and Seven Years Ago
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
just cuz i feel like it
what i'm knitting ~ an addition to Katie's Christmas present (she's gonna make out like a bandit this year)
what i'm listening to ~ Five Score and Seven Years Ago by Relient K, Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End and Moulin Rouge
what i'm reading ~ For Us, the Living by Heinlein (possibly his first book, published posthumously, more boring than his usual fair because it's too much info/theorizing, not enough story)
i'm not writing or creating any art right now. ):
what i'm listening to ~ Five Score and Seven Years Ago by Relient K, Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End and Moulin Rouge
what i'm reading ~ For Us, the Living by Heinlein (possibly his first book, published posthumously, more boring than his usual fair because it's too much info/theorizing, not enough story)
i'm not writing or creating any art right now. ):
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
where i stand (rather, grovel)
So i've been feeling lonely, which is actually somewhat unusual for me. When i'm around people i still feel alone anyway, rarely feel anything but misunderstood and an outcast. i have this crazy inability to feel like i'm actually part of a group or know how to act in one. Sometimes i try so hard to fit in, but it never works, particularly because i am a non-conformist to the depths of my marrow and it always feels forced. i've understood since preschool that it's better to be what God wants you to be than your peers. Even when i want to make people happy it so rarely coincides with what my conscience and intuition are telling me that i always have to ask myself who i should please... God, others, or myself. i don't want to hurt anyone, but how am i supposed to have it every way? i can't.
i don't expect what God is doing in my life to make sense to anyone when it doesn't really make sense to me. For several years now i have embraced the concept that most of the world is mundane, that is to say, they don't pay close attention to God and the spiritual warfare that we are surrounded by. Perhaps this is how God intends most people to be, to be blind to the darkness so they are not afraid. i am not so inclined and am grateful for what he has unlocked in me, even as i live in fear. Many people would probably label me as depressed, maybe even disturbed, but that is not how i think of myself. i am blessed and i am cursed at the same time, and i am happy for it, because i do not want to go back to the way things were... Which is fine, because i don't think i could even if i tried.
i have been called a Drama Queen. To me, this seems an unfair assertion, as i am very easy going, i often roll with the punches instead of making a fuss, and i am not the type to scream or faint while watching the hero grapple with the archenemy: i would instead join in the fight. i am not one to overreact because i am usually too accepting and complacent: i don't fight against what i should, i let people walk all over me rather than cause a fuss, i don't stand up for myself. But things in my life are not so physical as in Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, or Pirates of the Caribbean; what fight against is not understood by the world, and is rarely perceived by human eyes. i fight against the darkness, and i cannot take up a sword, or a wand, etc., i have only my beliefs, my feelings, ideas, and hope. i have only God's Word and God's truth.
It is true, i feel things (emotions) deeply. i am very empathetic: if someone is suffering, i feel their pain as if it is my own, i want to help them. Sorrow can be nearly paralyzing, but it is also empowering. i have long felt that one cannot truly know joy unless one knows despair, nor can one really have hope or faith unless it has been challenged. That is what i am going through, something which some would call a "Dark Night of the Soul," a time like Job went through in which Satan is allowed to do what he will and God is far away. i have no home or barn that could be razed, and i have no children, but it is as if i have the worst luck when it comes to jobs, supporting myself, and keeping a running car. i have no wife to torment me (ha, i would have a husband, but still) but to me it is worse that i have no husband at all. i have no friends to tell me how this is all my fault, but family and acquaintances have done just as bad from time to time. i do not fault anyone in this, it simply is. There was a time in which i didn't care what happened to me, that i was grateful that God thinks that i am strong enough to withstand this, but now i just wish it were over. The past seven and a half years have been extremely difficult, and i have begun to be afraid that i am not strong enough for the task, that i will fail.
It seems to me that people don't really understand this, and as such label it as depression, or something trite. To me, this hurts, but as i have said, i probably take offense too easily. People try to make light of what i'm going through, and i guess i'm like Mary Jane and assert that no one knows what i'm feeling. It's probably true to an extent, i doubt that many have been through this, though prophets and heroes in the Bible are obviously some who have. Others in history that i think this apply to are Joan of Arc and the Lady Jane Grey, but these are rare names that stand out in history. How many people have lived and died by their faith in today's world? Most people live their lives as if God is impersonal and far away; to me He is as necessary as oxygen or water and though He may not be physically tangible i see Him in everything around me, nature, books, movies, casual conversations, music, the news, the list goes on. To me, God has always been evident throughout each day, so to see Him at work around me while simultaneously feeling cut off from Him and caged is torture. i feel like i can't serve Him and am angry with Him even as i long to feel His touch again. Worst of all is trying to talk to Him when it seems like i'm being ignored and that prayer is hopeless.
i know Satan is lying to me. It looks like he is winning in this country, in the world, and i want to fight back, but it's not in my power. This isn't about what i want, it's about what God wants, and what He wants is not something i really understand. Why should i have to wait when i am ready to do whatever it takes? Even Jane ruled for nine days and Joan won many battles before they were imprisoned. i have never had the chance to pursue my dreams, i have yet to begin to fight, which is what makes this so hard. i don't want to watch a hero fighting for me, i want to help him, but i am not even allowed to fight. i have to withstand the taunts and insults that are hurled at me.
i struggle with this on many levels. i don't want to give the darkness power over me. The mundane do not understand what i'm going through, probably think i'm making it up or being overdramatic. How can i witness at all when i am full of so much despair and anger towards God, that i'm having to go through this and am feeling so misunderstood, when i'm supposed to always be ready to give a reason for my hope? It's hard for me to read the Bible right now, to see all of God's promises and then see how devoid my life is from that hope. i still believe every word, i know my Redeemer is faithful and true. How do i reconcile this? Because i recognize Satan, how he loves to twist truth into lies, and i know that my faith is being tested. If they aren't true in my life right now are they never true? No, they are always true, but sometimes we have to wait. And as much as i hate it, i still lack patience.
i feel like a fool to hope, but still i do it. The entire world tells me that i am stupid, but i know it's not true. Things are hard, but God will bring me through it because that is what He has promised, to never leave me or forsake me. i am tired, body and soul, and i cannot explain it, but it is true. It has always been true and always will be.
i wish i could write more, but i'm too tired to make sense right now.
i don't expect what God is doing in my life to make sense to anyone when it doesn't really make sense to me. For several years now i have embraced the concept that most of the world is mundane, that is to say, they don't pay close attention to God and the spiritual warfare that we are surrounded by. Perhaps this is how God intends most people to be, to be blind to the darkness so they are not afraid. i am not so inclined and am grateful for what he has unlocked in me, even as i live in fear. Many people would probably label me as depressed, maybe even disturbed, but that is not how i think of myself. i am blessed and i am cursed at the same time, and i am happy for it, because i do not want to go back to the way things were... Which is fine, because i don't think i could even if i tried.
i have been called a Drama Queen. To me, this seems an unfair assertion, as i am very easy going, i often roll with the punches instead of making a fuss, and i am not the type to scream or faint while watching the hero grapple with the archenemy: i would instead join in the fight. i am not one to overreact because i am usually too accepting and complacent: i don't fight against what i should, i let people walk all over me rather than cause a fuss, i don't stand up for myself. But things in my life are not so physical as in Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, or Pirates of the Caribbean; what fight against is not understood by the world, and is rarely perceived by human eyes. i fight against the darkness, and i cannot take up a sword, or a wand, etc., i have only my beliefs, my feelings, ideas, and hope. i have only God's Word and God's truth.
It is true, i feel things (emotions) deeply. i am very empathetic: if someone is suffering, i feel their pain as if it is my own, i want to help them. Sorrow can be nearly paralyzing, but it is also empowering. i have long felt that one cannot truly know joy unless one knows despair, nor can one really have hope or faith unless it has been challenged. That is what i am going through, something which some would call a "Dark Night of the Soul," a time like Job went through in which Satan is allowed to do what he will and God is far away. i have no home or barn that could be razed, and i have no children, but it is as if i have the worst luck when it comes to jobs, supporting myself, and keeping a running car. i have no wife to torment me (ha, i would have a husband, but still) but to me it is worse that i have no husband at all. i have no friends to tell me how this is all my fault, but family and acquaintances have done just as bad from time to time. i do not fault anyone in this, it simply is. There was a time in which i didn't care what happened to me, that i was grateful that God thinks that i am strong enough to withstand this, but now i just wish it were over. The past seven and a half years have been extremely difficult, and i have begun to be afraid that i am not strong enough for the task, that i will fail.
It seems to me that people don't really understand this, and as such label it as depression, or something trite. To me, this hurts, but as i have said, i probably take offense too easily. People try to make light of what i'm going through, and i guess i'm like Mary Jane and assert that no one knows what i'm feeling. It's probably true to an extent, i doubt that many have been through this, though prophets and heroes in the Bible are obviously some who have. Others in history that i think this apply to are Joan of Arc and the Lady Jane Grey, but these are rare names that stand out in history. How many people have lived and died by their faith in today's world? Most people live their lives as if God is impersonal and far away; to me He is as necessary as oxygen or water and though He may not be physically tangible i see Him in everything around me, nature, books, movies, casual conversations, music, the news, the list goes on. To me, God has always been evident throughout each day, so to see Him at work around me while simultaneously feeling cut off from Him and caged is torture. i feel like i can't serve Him and am angry with Him even as i long to feel His touch again. Worst of all is trying to talk to Him when it seems like i'm being ignored and that prayer is hopeless.
i know Satan is lying to me. It looks like he is winning in this country, in the world, and i want to fight back, but it's not in my power. This isn't about what i want, it's about what God wants, and what He wants is not something i really understand. Why should i have to wait when i am ready to do whatever it takes? Even Jane ruled for nine days and Joan won many battles before they were imprisoned. i have never had the chance to pursue my dreams, i have yet to begin to fight, which is what makes this so hard. i don't want to watch a hero fighting for me, i want to help him, but i am not even allowed to fight. i have to withstand the taunts and insults that are hurled at me.
i struggle with this on many levels. i don't want to give the darkness power over me. The mundane do not understand what i'm going through, probably think i'm making it up or being overdramatic. How can i witness at all when i am full of so much despair and anger towards God, that i'm having to go through this and am feeling so misunderstood, when i'm supposed to always be ready to give a reason for my hope? It's hard for me to read the Bible right now, to see all of God's promises and then see how devoid my life is from that hope. i still believe every word, i know my Redeemer is faithful and true. How do i reconcile this? Because i recognize Satan, how he loves to twist truth into lies, and i know that my faith is being tested. If they aren't true in my life right now are they never true? No, they are always true, but sometimes we have to wait. And as much as i hate it, i still lack patience.
i feel like a fool to hope, but still i do it. The entire world tells me that i am stupid, but i know it's not true. Things are hard, but God will bring me through it because that is what He has promised, to never leave me or forsake me. i am tired, body and soul, and i cannot explain it, but it is true. It has always been true and always will be.
i wish i could write more, but i'm too tired to make sense right now.
stuck in my head all weekend long
the King and his men stole the queen from her bed ~ and bound her in her bones ~ the seas be ours and fight the powers ~ where we will we'll roam
yo ho ~ all together ~ hoist the colours high ~ heave ho ~ thieves and beggars ~ never shall we die
~ Hoist the Colours, from Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End
yo ho ~ all together ~ hoist the colours high ~ heave ho ~ thieves and beggars ~ never shall we die
~ Hoist the Colours, from Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End
Saturday, May 26, 2007
stuck in my head
maybe i've been the problem ~ maybe i'm the one to blame ~ but even when i turn it off and blame myself ~ the outcome feels the same ~ i've been thinking maybe i've been partly cloudy ~ maybe i'm the chance of rain ~ and maybe i'm overcast and maybe all my luck's washed down the drain
i've been thinking 'bout everyone ~ everyone, you look so lonely ~ but when i look at the stars ~ when i look at the stars ~ when i look at the stars i see someone else ~ when i look at the stars ~ the stars ~ i feel like myself
stars looking at a planet watching entropy and pain ~ and maybe start to wonder how the chaos in our lives could pass as sane ~ i've been thinking of the meaning of resistance ~ of a world beyond my own ~ and suddenly the infinite and penitent ~ began to look like home
i've been thinking 'bout everyone ~ everyone, you look so empty ~ but when i look at the stars ~ when i look at the stars ~ when i look at the stars i see someone else ~ when i look at the stars ~ the stars ~ i feel like myself
~ 12 Stones' "Stars" from Nothing is Sound
i've been thinking 'bout everyone ~ everyone, you look so lonely ~ but when i look at the stars ~ when i look at the stars ~ when i look at the stars i see someone else ~ when i look at the stars ~ the stars ~ i feel like myself
stars looking at a planet watching entropy and pain ~ and maybe start to wonder how the chaos in our lives could pass as sane ~ i've been thinking of the meaning of resistance ~ of a world beyond my own ~ and suddenly the infinite and penitent ~ began to look like home
i've been thinking 'bout everyone ~ everyone, you look so empty ~ but when i look at the stars ~ when i look at the stars ~ when i look at the stars i see someone else ~ when i look at the stars ~ the stars ~ i feel like myself
~ 12 Stones' "Stars" from Nothing is Sound
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
un
i don't know what to call this blog anymore. i've thought about going back to on fire, or dark fire, or refering to Enya's song Pilgrim, but i don't know what to call it anymore. A lot of thoughts and emotions have been rattling around in my head and heart over the past couple of weeks. For a while i was eager to hear news that my nephew had safely arrived. Then i was debating whether or not to keep attending Mesa State or apply at Full Sail. i've been working six days a week. i keep getting headaches from my allergies. Imus was fired. The shooting at Virginia Tech happened. Everything is unbelievable, i am undone, i am unashamed to say that i am afraid and worried and yet unconcerned and wanting to ignore it all. What am i supposed to say about so much evil and silliness and stress?
i have nothing to say. i have everything to say.
i was supposed to be writing a paper, but i couldn't, so instead i wrote a huge diatribe against high school and higher education in general. i don't know if i should publish it here or not, but it seemed clear to me at the time that i had no business going back to school. i couldn't write a stupid paper, i was exhuasted and sleep deprived and sick, so i stayed home for about a week, sleeping as if i were dead every morning. i worked so hard and felt so much that i couldn't even think of trying to go to school. And by the time that was all over it was really too late to return, i was guaranteed a C at best in all my classes, most of which i was already barely scraping a C, and i just couldn't decide whether or not i should go back to my teachers on my hands or knees or not.
Actually, that isn't quite true. i had decided with my diatribe, but i was miserable, fighting an inward battle, against what i wanted to do and what i should do. i figured out what my gpa would fall to if i got one c and three f's, two c's and two f's, three c's and one f's, so on and on, beyond hope of actual achievement, and realized that i would rather flunk all of my classes than continue the next five unbearable weeks only to achieve c's anyways in subjects that i knew were a waste of my time. i am not at school to get good grades, all though an A is something i always strive to attain, but my purpose in continuing my education is learning, and i have learned more at work and in real life over the past few semesters than i have in class.
Amid all of this i watched the Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions (the latter for only the second or third time ever) and identified strongly with Neo, who kept seeing Trinity falling. The Oracle told him: "We can't see past the choices we don't understand." Then on another tv show (i can't remember which one, which is so odd) one of the older characters said to one of the younger characters that choices are only painful when we've already made up our mind but haven't come to grips with the choice yet. So i finally decided that i should just follow my heart and not go back, was immediately filled with relief, and actually read a book instead of stressing about life. i won't default on my loans or be put on probation. i have next semester to bring my grades back up if that's what i choose. But it was stupid for me to work full time and do school full time at the same time, and i knew it, but i did it anyway. A man cannot serve two masters...
So life has been halfway normal, as normal as it can be when i work graveyards. The news has been ridiculous. Anna Nicole Smith's baby has a father finally. Imus get's fired for exercising his free speech, and he didn't even use any swear words (i'm not saying that he should have said what he did, but he's been saying inflammatory stuff on the air since before i was born). i can see that freedom of speech is going the way of the dinosaur. The shooting at Virginia Tech happens, and i can see that the right to bear arms is going to be next. That's why i'm so scared. i listen to Glenn Beck every morning as i leave work and totally agree with him, so what can i say here that he hasn't said already? This country is a ticking time bomb, and i can't figure out if it's terrorist who have their finger on the trigger, the media, or the politicians.
Does it matter? The world as we know it is still going to end. i can taste it in the water. i can smell it in the air. i can feel it on my skin. And it terrifies me. Is this why i'm single, why i'm not making babies? Woe to the women with child and breastfeeding... But i still want to get married and make lots of babies anyway. It's better to get married than to burn... And i know that i'm not being overdramatic. i know it's going to come because Jesus said it would in Matthew 24. And i don't care if i have to die for my beliefs, even though i've always believed that i will be raptured, it doesn't matter to me if the Tribulation starts tomorrow, or a hundred, or a thousand years from now. All i want to do is serve God in whatever way He wants me to.
And as if all the things in the news weren't enough to freak me out, last week when i was driving to work the moon was gold and then slowly went behind a cloud and it looked really freaky. And then when i got to work i saw a ufo. I'm not saying it was aliens or anything, it may have been ball lightning for all i know, but it was something unidentifiable. There was a blue ball of light that silently flew over my head and into the clouds, and the clouds flashed as if with unseen lightning, and it was gone. It all happened in just a couple of seconds, if i wouldn't have looked up when i did, i would have missed it. The ball moved so fast that i have no idea how big it was, i just know that it couldn't have been a plane or helicopter or satellite or anything i'd ever seen up close before.
So, now that everyone probably thinks that i'm certificable, that's what's going on with me. i've applied at Full Sail, i'm trying to save money, pay bills, live life. i don't know if i'll be moving to Florida come fall, but if i do i'll be closer to Megan (it's about a 4 1/2 hour drive according to Google). i'll miss my family of course. i'll be doing what i've dreamed about for so long. But it's up to God. All of it is.
i have nothing to say. i have everything to say.
i was supposed to be writing a paper, but i couldn't, so instead i wrote a huge diatribe against high school and higher education in general. i don't know if i should publish it here or not, but it seemed clear to me at the time that i had no business going back to school. i couldn't write a stupid paper, i was exhuasted and sleep deprived and sick, so i stayed home for about a week, sleeping as if i were dead every morning. i worked so hard and felt so much that i couldn't even think of trying to go to school. And by the time that was all over it was really too late to return, i was guaranteed a C at best in all my classes, most of which i was already barely scraping a C, and i just couldn't decide whether or not i should go back to my teachers on my hands or knees or not.
Actually, that isn't quite true. i had decided with my diatribe, but i was miserable, fighting an inward battle, against what i wanted to do and what i should do. i figured out what my gpa would fall to if i got one c and three f's, two c's and two f's, three c's and one f's, so on and on, beyond hope of actual achievement, and realized that i would rather flunk all of my classes than continue the next five unbearable weeks only to achieve c's anyways in subjects that i knew were a waste of my time. i am not at school to get good grades, all though an A is something i always strive to attain, but my purpose in continuing my education is learning, and i have learned more at work and in real life over the past few semesters than i have in class.
Amid all of this i watched the Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions (the latter for only the second or third time ever) and identified strongly with Neo, who kept seeing Trinity falling. The Oracle told him: "We can't see past the choices we don't understand." Then on another tv show (i can't remember which one, which is so odd) one of the older characters said to one of the younger characters that choices are only painful when we've already made up our mind but haven't come to grips with the choice yet. So i finally decided that i should just follow my heart and not go back, was immediately filled with relief, and actually read a book instead of stressing about life. i won't default on my loans or be put on probation. i have next semester to bring my grades back up if that's what i choose. But it was stupid for me to work full time and do school full time at the same time, and i knew it, but i did it anyway. A man cannot serve two masters...
So life has been halfway normal, as normal as it can be when i work graveyards. The news has been ridiculous. Anna Nicole Smith's baby has a father finally. Imus get's fired for exercising his free speech, and he didn't even use any swear words (i'm not saying that he should have said what he did, but he's been saying inflammatory stuff on the air since before i was born). i can see that freedom of speech is going the way of the dinosaur. The shooting at Virginia Tech happens, and i can see that the right to bear arms is going to be next. That's why i'm so scared. i listen to Glenn Beck every morning as i leave work and totally agree with him, so what can i say here that he hasn't said already? This country is a ticking time bomb, and i can't figure out if it's terrorist who have their finger on the trigger, the media, or the politicians.
Does it matter? The world as we know it is still going to end. i can taste it in the water. i can smell it in the air. i can feel it on my skin. And it terrifies me. Is this why i'm single, why i'm not making babies? Woe to the women with child and breastfeeding... But i still want to get married and make lots of babies anyway. It's better to get married than to burn... And i know that i'm not being overdramatic. i know it's going to come because Jesus said it would in Matthew 24. And i don't care if i have to die for my beliefs, even though i've always believed that i will be raptured, it doesn't matter to me if the Tribulation starts tomorrow, or a hundred, or a thousand years from now. All i want to do is serve God in whatever way He wants me to.
And as if all the things in the news weren't enough to freak me out, last week when i was driving to work the moon was gold and then slowly went behind a cloud and it looked really freaky. And then when i got to work i saw a ufo. I'm not saying it was aliens or anything, it may have been ball lightning for all i know, but it was something unidentifiable. There was a blue ball of light that silently flew over my head and into the clouds, and the clouds flashed as if with unseen lightning, and it was gone. It all happened in just a couple of seconds, if i wouldn't have looked up when i did, i would have missed it. The ball moved so fast that i have no idea how big it was, i just know that it couldn't have been a plane or helicopter or satellite or anything i'd ever seen up close before.
So, now that everyone probably thinks that i'm certificable, that's what's going on with me. i've applied at Full Sail, i'm trying to save money, pay bills, live life. i don't know if i'll be moving to Florida come fall, but if i do i'll be closer to Megan (it's about a 4 1/2 hour drive according to Google). i'll miss my family of course. i'll be doing what i've dreamed about for so long. But it's up to God. All of it is.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
stuck in my head
Lord, grant that i may seek
rather to comfort than to be comforted
it is forgiving that one is forgiven
Lord, guide us
rather to love than to be loved
and it is by dying one awakens to eternal life
if you give love you will receive love
and it is by dying one awakens to eternal life
Lord, guide us
~ from Peacemaker as sung by Maire Brennan
This was originally written by St. Francis of Assisi as a prayer in French and is translated as:
Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.
rather to comfort than to be comforted
it is forgiving that one is forgiven
Lord, guide us
rather to love than to be loved
and it is by dying one awakens to eternal life
if you give love you will receive love
and it is by dying one awakens to eternal life
Lord, guide us
~ from Peacemaker as sung by Maire Brennan
This was originally written by St. Francis of Assisi as a prayer in French and is translated as:
Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Truth, Integrity, Love, Hope, Life
Today (or, rather, yesterday now) Glenn Beck was talking about honesty and integrity, which according to a new poll is the first thing voters look for in a candidate. He talked about when he came to a point in his life (during his mid-30's, i believe he said) in which he began to ask himself what contribution he had made to society. Then he points out Paris Hilton and Nicholle Richie and asked what contribution they have made... which in his opinion (and mine) is none at all.
i'd never been able to put my finger on this before, the way he said it. His arguement is that honesty and integrity are no longer held in high regard and it's true: this has plagued me my entire adult life. People are no longer rewarded for honesty, they're rewarded for taking credit for other's work. People no longer have integrity, they delight in living for the weekend, the party, the sex, the booze, the drugs. i am such a weirdo because i am honest, i do have integrity, and it constantly gets me into trouble. It gets President W into trouble, makes him hated by the world, but it's why i voted for him twice. This is why i love the movie V for Vendetta but could never explain it: some part of it elluded me. It wasn't only about freedom, it was about honesty and integrity, just as Val said, but i never could put it into words like Beck did... Beck the Mormon. Val the lesbian. V the terrorist. Evi the coward.
i'm so unhappy with my life. This week is spring break, and it almost feels normal, bearable. Trying to work all night, go to school the next day, and find time to sleep--let alone do my homework--it's not working. i'm overwhelmed, i'm so guilty because my schoolwork is suffering, but i don't know how to find the strength to do this. My schoolwork is boring, except for one class. i've already missed class so much this semester that i must attend ever single class in order to get an A in them (assuming that i get A's on all of my work). American Lit is totally uninspiring, the teacher in Geography puts me to sleep, Grammar is boring, and British Lit, the last class of the day, the one i have the least strength left over for, is my favorite. i always feel trapped like this by the time finals come around, but the entire semester? That's a new low, even for me.
i wish i wasn't in a dead end job. i wish i could follow my heart and pursue my dreams. Right now i really want to move to Orlando to attend Full Sail, but what if i get there and can't pay for it or can't keep up with the workload. i wouldn't be able to work, how could i get the money? Should i be going to school anymore at all, working towards a career? But what if i'm single for the rest of my life, would i be happy where i am now? No, i know the answer is no. How do i wait for a future that may never happen, hasn't happened in the past seven years, without feeling like i'm letting God down, sinning? Shouldn't i at least attempt to become a screenwriter, producer, director? i've gotten my liberal arts education here, now all i need is a major to specialize in, would it be a waste of money for me to change schools now? But i wouldn't have heard of Full Sail if it weren't for me being in the Art building every day last semester and i wouldn't actually be thinking about going if i hadn't had to take that flight in order to go to APFD's wedding.
Moving to Florida would take a leap of faith. i don't have the money if financial aid doesn't cover it, i'd have to find an apartment because they don't have dorms, i probably wouldn't be able to have a job because of their unusual class schedules... But i would be able to earn a Bacherlor of Science in two years time, would be learning at a pace that sounds perfect for me, would be working in the field that all my career dreams are hung on. i don't know how to talk about this with my parents, have no friends to ask, have family obligations that i'm not free from... And there's always a question of when i would go. May, July, August? Probably be better to work over the summer and go later, but i want to go as soon as possible.
i'm ready now, have been ready for what feels like so long, but if i'm to do this i have to get through the semester, and right now i don't know how to do that. How do i hold on? That's always the question for me, how to hold on. My hands are bloody and sting from wiping away my salty tears, but still i put on a smile and keep on trying. And now i sound depressed and self damaging or something, but i'm not, i'm just overwhelmed and still afraid of the dark. But i'm becoming numb to it all, which may be scariest of all... for the dark to become normal, the light no longer yearned for, believed in. i believe in God but i don't expect Him to rescue me. And then He sends me a song from my friend Amber, and still i don't believe it. Why would he leave the 99 for me when He hasn't already, after all this time?
i was talking to Him earlier tonight, singing the Kry's Take My Hand, asking Him for the hundredth time how i'm supposed to take a step towards Him when i can't see Him, how i'm supposed to take His hand when i never let go and can't find it in the dark. Is Full Sail what He wants for me or what i hope He wants for me? i don't know anymore. i was reading Dagger last night, updating it for the first time in three years, and the words still felt true, still felt powerful, and i don't have the faith to believe like that anymore. i've fallen so far, into this abyss, in this cage.
i still don't know what to do. If i can, i think i'll move to Orlando and go to school. If i can't, i might as well drop out and try to figure out what story i should be writing to get out of this job, to support myself. i have no stories anymore, why can't i write anymore? i think it's because i don't believe Him anymore, but then, i don't hear His voice. i miss the whisper so badly. Somehow, i must find the strength to get through this, but i still contend that i'm not strong enough on my own.
Friday night i started singing Nichole Nordeman's Oh Great God, it just popped into my head out of the blue, and i got mad at Him for a second. She won a contest to make her first CD and her lyrics don't reveal that she has understanding of the truth that i have known for over a decade... She sings, "There have been moments where I could not face Goliath on my own," when the reality is that we can never face Goliaths on our own. In To Know You she sings, "It might be easier to dream ~ but dreaming's not for me," how dare she! It's not easy to dream, it's never been easy to dream, and yet He asks us to. How do i continue to dream after all i have been through, how do i continue to take His hand and walk? i don't know if i really can anymore, and i'm so mad at myself for letting Him down like that, for giving up on Him. How dare i??? How dare i give up on my faith? But i don't know how to believe anymore, after all i've seen. i have walked my faith and talked my faith and been a fool for my faith and all for nothing. Do i take Him at His word again, believe that He will provide for me in Florida, the state i have never wanted to live in? It was one of my "Never"s, perhaps this truly is His will.
i'm trying to read my Bible again, i finally got through Numbers, it was so hard and i was beginning to think i never would. i made a stupid deal with Him that if i finished reading my Bible then He would have to make me an actress. i still haven't finished my Bible; i have about twelve books left. Maybe i should put my nose back to the stone. At least it's not depressing anymore.
i'd never been able to put my finger on this before, the way he said it. His arguement is that honesty and integrity are no longer held in high regard and it's true: this has plagued me my entire adult life. People are no longer rewarded for honesty, they're rewarded for taking credit for other's work. People no longer have integrity, they delight in living for the weekend, the party, the sex, the booze, the drugs. i am such a weirdo because i am honest, i do have integrity, and it constantly gets me into trouble. It gets President W into trouble, makes him hated by the world, but it's why i voted for him twice. This is why i love the movie V for Vendetta but could never explain it: some part of it elluded me. It wasn't only about freedom, it was about honesty and integrity, just as Val said, but i never could put it into words like Beck did... Beck the Mormon. Val the lesbian. V the terrorist. Evi the coward.
i'm so unhappy with my life. This week is spring break, and it almost feels normal, bearable. Trying to work all night, go to school the next day, and find time to sleep--let alone do my homework--it's not working. i'm overwhelmed, i'm so guilty because my schoolwork is suffering, but i don't know how to find the strength to do this. My schoolwork is boring, except for one class. i've already missed class so much this semester that i must attend ever single class in order to get an A in them (assuming that i get A's on all of my work). American Lit is totally uninspiring, the teacher in Geography puts me to sleep, Grammar is boring, and British Lit, the last class of the day, the one i have the least strength left over for, is my favorite. i always feel trapped like this by the time finals come around, but the entire semester? That's a new low, even for me.
i wish i wasn't in a dead end job. i wish i could follow my heart and pursue my dreams. Right now i really want to move to Orlando to attend Full Sail, but what if i get there and can't pay for it or can't keep up with the workload. i wouldn't be able to work, how could i get the money? Should i be going to school anymore at all, working towards a career? But what if i'm single for the rest of my life, would i be happy where i am now? No, i know the answer is no. How do i wait for a future that may never happen, hasn't happened in the past seven years, without feeling like i'm letting God down, sinning? Shouldn't i at least attempt to become a screenwriter, producer, director? i've gotten my liberal arts education here, now all i need is a major to specialize in, would it be a waste of money for me to change schools now? But i wouldn't have heard of Full Sail if it weren't for me being in the Art building every day last semester and i wouldn't actually be thinking about going if i hadn't had to take that flight in order to go to APFD's wedding.
Moving to Florida would take a leap of faith. i don't have the money if financial aid doesn't cover it, i'd have to find an apartment because they don't have dorms, i probably wouldn't be able to have a job because of their unusual class schedules... But i would be able to earn a Bacherlor of Science in two years time, would be learning at a pace that sounds perfect for me, would be working in the field that all my career dreams are hung on. i don't know how to talk about this with my parents, have no friends to ask, have family obligations that i'm not free from... And there's always a question of when i would go. May, July, August? Probably be better to work over the summer and go later, but i want to go as soon as possible.
i'm ready now, have been ready for what feels like so long, but if i'm to do this i have to get through the semester, and right now i don't know how to do that. How do i hold on? That's always the question for me, how to hold on. My hands are bloody and sting from wiping away my salty tears, but still i put on a smile and keep on trying. And now i sound depressed and self damaging or something, but i'm not, i'm just overwhelmed and still afraid of the dark. But i'm becoming numb to it all, which may be scariest of all... for the dark to become normal, the light no longer yearned for, believed in. i believe in God but i don't expect Him to rescue me. And then He sends me a song from my friend Amber, and still i don't believe it. Why would he leave the 99 for me when He hasn't already, after all this time?
i was talking to Him earlier tonight, singing the Kry's Take My Hand, asking Him for the hundredth time how i'm supposed to take a step towards Him when i can't see Him, how i'm supposed to take His hand when i never let go and can't find it in the dark. Is Full Sail what He wants for me or what i hope He wants for me? i don't know anymore. i was reading Dagger last night, updating it for the first time in three years, and the words still felt true, still felt powerful, and i don't have the faith to believe like that anymore. i've fallen so far, into this abyss, in this cage.
i still don't know what to do. If i can, i think i'll move to Orlando and go to school. If i can't, i might as well drop out and try to figure out what story i should be writing to get out of this job, to support myself. i have no stories anymore, why can't i write anymore? i think it's because i don't believe Him anymore, but then, i don't hear His voice. i miss the whisper so badly. Somehow, i must find the strength to get through this, but i still contend that i'm not strong enough on my own.
Friday night i started singing Nichole Nordeman's Oh Great God, it just popped into my head out of the blue, and i got mad at Him for a second. She won a contest to make her first CD and her lyrics don't reveal that she has understanding of the truth that i have known for over a decade... She sings, "There have been moments where I could not face Goliath on my own," when the reality is that we can never face Goliaths on our own. In To Know You she sings, "It might be easier to dream ~ but dreaming's not for me," how dare she! It's not easy to dream, it's never been easy to dream, and yet He asks us to. How do i continue to dream after all i have been through, how do i continue to take His hand and walk? i don't know if i really can anymore, and i'm so mad at myself for letting Him down like that, for giving up on Him. How dare i??? How dare i give up on my faith? But i don't know how to believe anymore, after all i've seen. i have walked my faith and talked my faith and been a fool for my faith and all for nothing. Do i take Him at His word again, believe that He will provide for me in Florida, the state i have never wanted to live in? It was one of my "Never"s, perhaps this truly is His will.
i'm trying to read my Bible again, i finally got through Numbers, it was so hard and i was beginning to think i never would. i made a stupid deal with Him that if i finished reading my Bible then He would have to make me an actress. i still haven't finished my Bible; i have about twelve books left. Maybe i should put my nose back to the stone. At least it's not depressing anymore.
Friday, February 02, 2007
stuck in my head
i’ve tried, to hide ~ it but i can’t sleep at night ~ everything i think about makes ~ me feel like a version of myself ~ they tell their lies ~ and we all synchronize ~ look to the sky because it’s almost over
we want the truth ~ give us the Absolute ~ we need Your help ~ cuz we’ve got nothing!
we want, the truth ~ give us the Absolute ~ we need Your help ~ cuz we’ve got nothing left to lose ~ i know we’ve tried ~ this thing a million times ~ but put me out ~ cuz i’m on fire
don’t talk if you are gonna tell me the truth ~ don’t tell me you know ~ and you’ve got everything under control ~ we can’t have it all ~ but we can break the fall ~ this time i’m letting go ~ cuz i can’t take it anymore
we want the truth ~ give us the Absolute ~ we need Your help ~ cuz we’ve got nothing!
we want, the truth ~ give us the Absolute ~ we need Your help ~ cuz we’ve got nothing left to lose ~ i know we’ve tried ~ this thing a million times ~ but put me out ~ cuz i’m on fire
wait til the bottle breaks ~ see how it all shakes ~ who’s gonna be around? ~ who’s gonna hear the sound? ~ wait til the smoke clears ~ who’s gonna volunteer? ~ stand if you’re gonna stand ~ everybody’s here ~ take what you’re gonna take ~ make what you want to make ~ say what you’re gonna say ~ and break, if you’re gonna break
we want, the truth ~ give us the Absolute ~ we need Your help ~ cuz we’ve got nothing left to lose ~ i know we’ve tried ~ this thing a million times ~ but put me out ~ cuz i’m on fire
~ Absolute by Thousand Foot Krutch
i think there's a part about
"i'm not invisible like you ~ next time this gets a little messed up" but these are the official lyrics and don't say exactly what i expected them to.
we want the truth ~ give us the Absolute ~ we need Your help ~ cuz we’ve got nothing!
we want, the truth ~ give us the Absolute ~ we need Your help ~ cuz we’ve got nothing left to lose ~ i know we’ve tried ~ this thing a million times ~ but put me out ~ cuz i’m on fire
don’t talk if you are gonna tell me the truth ~ don’t tell me you know ~ and you’ve got everything under control ~ we can’t have it all ~ but we can break the fall ~ this time i’m letting go ~ cuz i can’t take it anymore
we want the truth ~ give us the Absolute ~ we need Your help ~ cuz we’ve got nothing!
we want, the truth ~ give us the Absolute ~ we need Your help ~ cuz we’ve got nothing left to lose ~ i know we’ve tried ~ this thing a million times ~ but put me out ~ cuz i’m on fire
wait til the bottle breaks ~ see how it all shakes ~ who’s gonna be around? ~ who’s gonna hear the sound? ~ wait til the smoke clears ~ who’s gonna volunteer? ~ stand if you’re gonna stand ~ everybody’s here ~ take what you’re gonna take ~ make what you want to make ~ say what you’re gonna say ~ and break, if you’re gonna break
we want, the truth ~ give us the Absolute ~ we need Your help ~ cuz we’ve got nothing left to lose ~ i know we’ve tried ~ this thing a million times ~ but put me out ~ cuz i’m on fire
~ Absolute by Thousand Foot Krutch
i think there's a part about
"i'm not invisible like you ~ next time this gets a little messed up" but these are the official lyrics and don't say exactly what i expected them to.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
stuck in my head
yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead ~ yesterday is a promise that you’ve broken ~ don’t close your eyes ~ don’t close your eyes ~ this is your life and today is all you’ve got now ~ and today is all you’ll ever have ~ don’t close your eyes ~ don’t close your eyes
this is your life are you who you want to be? ~ this is your life are you who you want to be? ~ this is your life is it everything you dreamed that it would be ~ when the world was younger and you had everything to lose
yesterday is a kid in the corner ~ yesterday is dead and over
this is your life are you who you want to be? ~ this is your life are you who you want to be? ~ this is your life is it everything you dreamed that it would be ~ when the world was younger and you had everything to lose?
~ This is Your Life by Switchfoot
this is your life are you who you want to be? ~ this is your life are you who you want to be? ~ this is your life is it everything you dreamed that it would be ~ when the world was younger and you had everything to lose
yesterday is a kid in the corner ~ yesterday is dead and over
this is your life are you who you want to be? ~ this is your life are you who you want to be? ~ this is your life is it everything you dreamed that it would be ~ when the world was younger and you had everything to lose?
~ This is Your Life by Switchfoot
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
i just read an article
It was about playing video games to lose weight and was very motivational. This total computer geek lost weight doing Dance Dance Revolution, driving programs powered by a stationary bike, and other exercise games. It gave me a hankering to do DDR again, which i used to do at least an hour every day using my roommates Playstation. i found a website with free dance software and found out that you can get a dance pad for your pc so hopefully i will be able to do this soon. Anything to start moving again!
See more progress on: start exercising regularly again
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
stuck in my head
which Jesus do you follow? ~ which Jesus do you serve? ~ if Ephesians says to imitate Christ ~ then why do you look so much like the world?
cause my Jesus bled and died ~ He spent His time with thieves and liars ~ He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant ~ so which one do you want to be?
blessed are the poor in spirit ~ or do we pray to be blessed with the wealth of this land ~ blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness ~ or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand
cause my Jesus bled and died for my sins ~ He spent His time with thieves and sluts and liars ~ He loved the poor and accosted the rich ~ so which one do you want to be?
who is this that you follow ~ this picture of the American dream ~ if Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side or fall down and worship at His holy feet
pretty blue eyes and curly brown hair and a clear complexion ~ is how you see Him as He dies for Your sins ~ but the Word says He was battered and scarred ~ or did you miss that part ~ sometimes i doubt we'd recognize Him
cuz my Jesus bled and died ~ He spent His time with thieves and the least of these ~ He loved the poor and accosted the comfortable ~ so which one do you want to be?
cuz my Jesus would never be accepted in my church ~ the blood and dirt on His feet would stain the carpet ~ but He reaches for the hurting and despised the proud ~ i think He'd prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowd ~ and i know that He can hear me if i cry out loud
i want to be like my Jesus! ~ i want to be like my Jesus!
not a posterchild for American prosperity, but like my Jesus ~ you see i'm tired of living for success and popularity ~ i want to be like my Jesus but i'm not sure what that means to be like You Jesus ~ cuz You said to live like You, love like You but then You died for me ~ can i be like You Jesus? ~ i want to be like my Jesus
~ Todd Agnew, My Jesus
cause my Jesus bled and died ~ He spent His time with thieves and liars ~ He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant ~ so which one do you want to be?
blessed are the poor in spirit ~ or do we pray to be blessed with the wealth of this land ~ blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness ~ or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand
cause my Jesus bled and died for my sins ~ He spent His time with thieves and sluts and liars ~ He loved the poor and accosted the rich ~ so which one do you want to be?
who is this that you follow ~ this picture of the American dream ~ if Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side or fall down and worship at His holy feet
pretty blue eyes and curly brown hair and a clear complexion ~ is how you see Him as He dies for Your sins ~ but the Word says He was battered and scarred ~ or did you miss that part ~ sometimes i doubt we'd recognize Him
cuz my Jesus bled and died ~ He spent His time with thieves and the least of these ~ He loved the poor and accosted the comfortable ~ so which one do you want to be?
cuz my Jesus would never be accepted in my church ~ the blood and dirt on His feet would stain the carpet ~ but He reaches for the hurting and despised the proud ~ i think He'd prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowd ~ and i know that He can hear me if i cry out loud
i want to be like my Jesus! ~ i want to be like my Jesus!
not a posterchild for American prosperity, but like my Jesus ~ you see i'm tired of living for success and popularity ~ i want to be like my Jesus but i'm not sure what that means to be like You Jesus ~ cuz You said to live like You, love like You but then You died for me ~ can i be like You Jesus? ~ i want to be like my Jesus
~ Todd Agnew, My Jesus
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