American Idol auditions

Well some prelimenary info is finally up for the newest round of American Idol auditions, and they'll be in Atlanta on August 14 and in Charleston August 18. So i have two chances to go this year, as i'll almost definitely be in Savannah in August.

American Idol auditions are a tricky thing for me. There was one year i thought about going and then decided not to try out, two years where i wanted to go quite badly and couldn't make it, and last year i didn't even pay attention to it. i've been told several times from different sources over the past five years that i should audition on the show. i've been singing in choirs for a long time, and don't know if that is what i want to spend the rest of my life singing professionally, but it could be a great opportunity for me as a career platform. Somehow i've always felt / known in the back of my mind that season seven would be the year for me, and here it is, season seven. When i was applying at Full Sail i knew that it would mean missing American Idol auditions, or at least conflict with being on the show were i to be accepted, so in the back of my mind i have felt pretty certain that if Full Sail fell through that American Idol auditions would be my next goal.

My voice is not at its strongest right now: i haven't been in a choir for over a year now, i just haven't had the time. This week i've been trying to sing more, a little bit every day, building my voice back up. i need to start doing warmups again, like we did in Mrs. Niles' class, if i'm going to be serious about this. More than anything i need to leave this up to God and in His hands. But i have always known that i love to sing, that people enjoy my voice, and that if i'm doing it for God then He will use the gift He gave me to His own glory.

Something that really bothers me about the music industry today is how fake people are when they're singing on late night tv shows or on shows like Today and GMA. They're dressed in a certain way, groomed in a certain way, everything is choreographed, and everything rarely seems genuine. i don't want to be that as a performer. i know that God is going to use me to change the world, and it's not going to be of my own power, it's going to be using the methods He chooses. i can't change to world, i don't have the power, i don't have any idea what needs to be done, i have no right to assume that i have all the answers, but i've known for as long as i can remember that He would use me because i am open to Him.

Something that i have been struggling with a lot lately is surrendering everything to Him. i always feel like i have, i tell Him over and over that everything i have and am and ever will be is His, but then He points out an area where it isn't really true. i don't know how to give up on the dream of getting married and having children; i would give up everything for these two dreams to come true, everything and anything. Being an actress, writer, singer, director, those are not my biggest goals; wife and mother is my biggest heart's cry, but i don't know that it's in God's will anymore. There was a time when i was sure He would give those things to me, but now i don't know. So i'm trying to reconcile the possibility of always being alone (in a sense of being single), childless or barren, a virgin. Yes, i will not throw my virginity away, but that doesn't make it easy at all. It's hard to give up these dreams when they were wired into me before i have memory and are what i believe every woman is called to be.

Some other things that i don't know how to deal with is my anger, impatience, and helplessness. i don't know how to be stronger. i know that i can't do anything without God, but somehow i feel that He's expecting more of me, strength and faith that i cannot give because of my feelngs of betrayal and anger. Everything around me lies to me that He doesn't care, that nothing in my life will ever get better. It's been so long that i believe the lies more than i believe God, even though i know full well that they're lies.

Watching the newest Pirates of the Caribbean speaks to me with its concept of waiting ten years for one day together, and i believe in the sanctity and purity and strength of love, and as much as i love God i don't think that i can wait ten years for Him, especially if it's only for one day. The music from that movie, the track entitled One Day, speaks to my very soul, is part of my being, as if it was known before it was heard. i cling to the last hope that i will always be faithful to God, that i would wait ten years if that is what it would take, even while knowing that i have failed Him, that i cannot wait ten years and do not want to. This seventh year in the dark night of the soul has been one of shame for me because i have practically given up on seeking Him. His Word promises that if we take one step towards Him then He will run to us, but i do not know which direction to take that step in, i have wandered aimlessly, searching with all that is in me, and He does not answer in a way that i can hear, He does not run to me, He still stands apart, watching me from afar. This feels like a betrayal of the worst kind because i have striven to give up everything that He has asked of me. i cannot give up Him, but at the same time i already have, i cannot keep wandering, i have no strength left, so i wait, and i pray from time to time, but it hurts too much to give as much as i know i should and wish i could. Still i cling to the hope that my one day will come despite the fact that i hardly know how to hope anymore.

Hand in hand with these issues are my anger and impatience: i'm mad at God for His silence, because i'm single, because i'm still a virgin, because i'm not a mother, because my life stinks, because i am doing nothing to changing the world. i have tried telling myself that the world isn't ready, my future husband isn't ready, i cannot support a child, but over the months and days i have begun to wonder if it is me who isn't ready. i don't know what to do, i don't know who and what God wants me to be, but i do know that i don't want to have this anger and impatience in my life, i don't want to pass it down to my children as it was passed to me, and i feel helpless to change it. i don't feel the same way towards my father as i once did, i think i've finally forgiven him and seen some of the good qualities in him that i couldn't before, but i feel powerless when it comes to breaking the cycle. i get annoyed when playing video games and the controls don't respond as i feel they should, when driving behind or around slowpokes and crazy drivers, when the kids get too loud and i have a headache or am overtired. i don't want to embody the negative qualities of my parents. Glenn Beck was talking about this a few days ago, he said that we have to replace those behaviours / attitudes / actions with new ones or we'll simply do what we were brought up observing. So what do i replace the negative with? i need to figure this out before i start repeating the mistakes, not afterwards. i don't know how to do this.

i've become selfish, not entirely in a bad way, but in some ways definitely. i'm tired of letting people take advantage of me, but i'm not sure how God wants me to act, to stand against injustice or turn the other cheek. Jesus did both things within His lifetime, what is His will for each situation? Is it always the same? i see so many things wrong with the country, the church, the list goes on, but am i supposed to be the one to bring change or let it go? What is it that God wants me to do??? i would be happy being the wife of the man who brings change, the mother of the person who brings change (though i don't think there's enough time left for that), the production assistant of that person, the friend of them, who am i to assume that it will be me? But i think it is me, i keep wondering if i will be a prophet, if i have enough faith to perform miracles as the disciples did, what it is that God wants me to do. It's not about me, it's about my willingness to be sent, to do His will, to do something that others may not be willing to do. i am willing to die for Him, the question is if i have enough strength and faith to live for Him. But i don't know the answers, i am still a work in progress.