Blume and other events

Well i spent a week in Kansas City with mixed happenings but good results. i mainly attended the Blume conference (July 9-13) because my sister, Katie, was excited about it and wanted to go, but i needed the vacation after working overtime for three months. Its been a week since i started writing this post, so i know that i left some details out, but i need to capture some of this for posterity.

On Sunday night we went to Transformers, which was stupid, because i didn't fall asleep until two in the morning. After the movie i was still awake and ended up reading Chamber of Secrets for a while, which i really wanted to finish, but i knew i needed to sleep, so i finally fell asleep and it was time to wake up way too soon. i turned off my alarm at six and fell back asleep, and about an hour later my sister woke up and we were on our way.

On Monday we intended to drive to Denver and go to the Museum of Nature and Science, where there is a special exhibit on the Titanic as well as an exhibit on Egypt and the mummies. But on the way from GJ to the Front Range there were three big construction zones that required us to go down to one lane of traffic, slowing down significantly. We were also in the Geo Tracker, which does not handle hills well, let alone mountains, and we kept getting stuck behind people going even slower than we were. We finally arrived in Denver two hours before we needed to be at the airport but too late to visit the museum. We stopped at a nearby mall and browsed at a bookstore for over an hour. i finished reading CoS, and then went to the airport early, but we still turned out to be the last teens/collegiates in our group to arrive.

i didn't know anyone. Some of the girls seemed familiar but i don't know that i'd met them before, i just sometimes feel as if i've met certain Christians before when we're introduced. So i settled down to read Prisoner of Azkaban while most of the girls played "Would you rather -- or --?" There were questions like "Would you rather meet Amy Grant or the President?" and "Would you rather have a unibrow or webbed toes?" and "Would you rather give or receive?" etc. This was rather loud, as everyone inevitably shouted out their answers and caused a ruckus. i took part a little but mostly read my book.

Before going through security we played a game to introduce ourselves, naming an animal (the name of which starting with the same letter as one's name), and combining it with a movement. i said Kristi Kangaroo and hopped. Katie was beside me and upset that i took her animal, so she had to think up another one (not really, but you understand), but someone else had already used cat two or three players before, so i couldn't use kitten or think of anything else quickly. i think someone else suggested the other marsupial, the Koala, which she used. Then we met our roommate (who was the last to arrive) and went through security and made our way to the proper concourse. The flight was delayed an hour by weather in Tennessee, but other than that the flight was uneventful. We were all so tired by the time we got to the hotel, which was around 11:30 local time. i didn't sleep well (still too used to being up all night, i guess) but whatever.

On Tuesday we ate breakfast at the hotel (sold in the lobby and priced reasonably) then went to the Hallmark museum, which i had been to before but enjoyed. i'm not sure they would have found it without me as they were all walking the wrong way. We were walking through the mall, i checked the map as we were getting off the escalator, and announced that we needed to veer right. The only trouble with the excursion was that i was still tired, and my body was constantly in pain of one sort or another, so while the rest of the girls went shopping the four collegiates (two leaders and one freshman, and me) went back to the hotel. S. is going to go to ASU in the fall and we seemed to find quite a lot to talk about while floating in the pool. Then it started to get crowded, so we got out and got ready for dinner. Dinner was at the hotel's Bistro (restaurant) and was exorbitantly priced for our purposes and service took forever. My food came to me lukewarm, tasteless, and made me feel ill.

That night we went to the opening ceremonies at the conference center's arena where the music was way too loud. i couldn't hear myself singing and went hoarse overcompensating. i kept scooting over (across four seats) to make more room for the adult who was sitting next to me, but she kept following me farther and father and bumping into me and stepping on my feet. Most of the speaking i could not understand at all, as it was like shouted mumbling, but what i did understand i wasn't sure i agreed with because there was a lot of talk about learning to love yourself and very few verses quoted that don't say that at all.

That night L. (our adult roommate) turned out the lights by eleven and though she was disturbed several times by text messages from her husband (all before midnight) did not emerge the next morning until i was leaving at nine. This upset me as she knew that Katie was getting up at six and had to leave before we did, and neither of us had money for breakfast (i had two dollars and Katie was broke from the night before, where she shared food and the cost with others). So i went down to the lobby, where i expected to find everyone but instead found no one, and L. appeared and accused me of doing nothing but complaining the entire trip, which i found entirely unfair. She said that i had claimed there were no verses about loving yourself in the Bible but that there were verses about complaining.

This smarted, as i have felt guilty about complaining so much on this blog as of late. At the same time i know that God understands when i need to express such sentiments to Him, and she has absolutely no idea what my life has been like, what i've been going through, etc. The only complaints i made were because she asked for my opinion. Her friend who lives in Kansas City ate dinner with us and they spent the entire time talking about boyfriends and ex-boyfriends and how dumb they had been and the stupid things that all of the involved parties had done. It made me wonder what i was even doing sitting at the same table with them. But when L. asked me how my meal was i answered honestly and said that it was cold. When we got back to our room that night and she asked me what i had thought of the events in the arena i said that it had been too loud for me to understand half the time and that i wish they would have quoted the Bible more often. And when she gets to the lobby in the morning, having been out of bed for ten minutes because i woke her up, and i jokingly say, "Nice of everyone to be on time," not even being serious, she jumps down my throat about complaining. What the heck is that? i didn't even say anything to her about being walked on during worship, ditched by the leader who said "follow me" and then walked off, how inorganized the trip to the Hallmark Center was, or her behavior at dinner. i had answered her questions and kept my bad experiences to myself because i was desperately trying not to have a bad week, rather to believe that i would be blessed at this conference.

So as Wednesday progressed... L. gave me my twenty dollars for meals. The first event for the collegiates was the coffee house, which was supposed to have some breakfast items to buy. Upon arriving it was discovered that a Starbucks booth had been set up, which didn't serve the kind of coffee i like, and the only food available was bear claws, which i have sworn off. i walked down the hall and found a Coca-Cola machine for a dollar, then joined my group again. S. step-aunt had some cheddar on cheddar crackers which she was nice enough to give to me, which was only slightly more appetizing than bear claws, but i was so hungry that they were delicious. L. started wondering aloud why i would dislike bear claws (which have absolutely no healthy ingredients) and i tried to explain that my parents keep goats for the milk, chickens for their eggs and meat, and eat healthy alternatives. While we were waiting we could decorate our name tags and bags with crayola markers and foam flowers, butterflies, etc. But then worship started, and i was soon invested in that. The collegiate band was led by Cindy Johnson playing guitar, her fiance on piano, a guy she used to babysit on drums, and the guy who had gotten her to sing her first solo on another guitar. The sound was still a little too loud for my liking, but the music was pretty good.

For Conference Time One i had chosen "Order My Steps: Making Time for God." The conference was pretty unusual and i don't remember it well. We read several stories that she had printed off the internet and took with us a dandelion that was basically a reminder to take time to enjoy the beauty of God's creation and/or remember that it takes time for seeds/bulbs to grow and that they won't unless you plant them. Its been too long now, i don't remember the gist of it, but it wasn't very inspirational to me. Next we went to lunch in the convention center's food court, which was full of teens. i had to wait a long time to get a hamburger, and ended up singing Relient K to myself (Which to Bury, Us or the Hatchet? and Let it All Out). By the time i got my food everyone else had eaten theirs (they bought the boxed lunches instead), so i bolted down my burger and fries in five minutes. Next we went to the Hands On Ministry Experience and made subtraction flash cards for Missionaries who are teaching in foreign countries.

After that was the Muslim Prayer area that i went to alone. A woman who's a missionary to muslim women talked about how muslim women love to socialize with other women by having tea and food. Everyone was given a sash to cover their heads with. Then we learned what the five prayer positions are that muslims use, and prayed in the positions, which was exhausting. The first position is standing with your hands cupped and held up at waist height. Next you cup you hands around your ears and remain standing. Then you bow at the waist and put your hands on your knees. Then you kneel with your head to the floor and put your hands on the floor by your head. Then you sit up, still kneeling, and hold your hands cupped again, like when you were standing. Praying for just a couple of minutes in each position was tiring, though i imagine doing it several times a day one would get used to it. After this we had some free time, and i walked around the downtown area taking blind photos and looking for the food court that i knew had to be nearby because it had been mentioned in the hotel info. Walking around outside was such a mood lifter i cannot even begin to tell you. It was slightly overcast, and the coolest it had been so far, and just lovely to be out and about in.

Next we had worship again, with the opportunity for fifty collegiates to sign up to spend the night in a nearby homeless shelter. No one in our group went, we had pizza for dinner (it was supposed to be our state party, but all the teens had already eaten and were swimming), and then was Night in the Middle East. We did sand art, temporary tattoos that were henna colored and depicted a flowery cross or said Blume and had a bird, wrote our name in another language, and there was one booth for "beauty treatments" that i didn't go to. A can of soda cost $2 from the proferred vendor, so i walked a block and a half to buy a 20 oz. from the same machine that i had visited that morning, which was no longer taking dollar bills and gave us a free soda. Then we sat down on the lawn to watch A Night with the King (or whatever that new Esther movie is called). i kept saying "Gimli!" every time i heard Mr. Rhys-Davies voice and driving Katie bonkers. Most of our group left the movie early: i'd already seen most of it twice on TBN and my hoodie was soaked through because i'd been sitting on it and the grass was wet. So we went back to the hotel and i started watching I, Robot on my laptop, which i had been reminded of because they had said it was important to ask the right questions. I turned it off at ten past midnight, just short of the ending, and fell asleep.

On Thursday i bought a banana for breakfast and had another soda. i set off alone to find ME, and only found it because Katie had been to it the day before and asked me if i'd been to the basement of the arena yet. i made a scrapbook page for my Blume memories, wrote a letter to the troops, wrote a letter to a Chinese penpal, and got a free t-shirt. Activities that i didn't take part in were Karaoke, a petting zoo, blow up gladiator fighting, twister, and obstacle course, dancing the hula, and some quiz show type games. There were some tables set up talking about missions work in other countries and i was was struck by how little the people in France (who were stopped in the streets of Paris) know about Jesus and God.

i attended Understanding God's Will as my next Conference and it was excellent. i don't know if i completely agreed with everything that the leader said, and it was a lot to digest, but i was surrounded by young women who were also going through some hard times. Several girls were talking about being mad at God because they were following their calling but were now on detours. One is attending college and studying to be a pianist and has now broken her wrist. Other girls had stories that they shared. It was overwhelming, impossible to put into words or fully digest, but it felt so nice to know that i'm not alone in feeling abandoned or betrayed by God. One thing the leader did say was that God doesn't have it out for us, He genuinely wants us to be happy, and that's been hard for me to remember lately. i went to lunch alone, looking for the Pizza Hut Express i had seen the day before but instead finally stumbling upon the food court, which turned out to be one block over, one block down. i had ribs and fries; the serving turned out to be huge.

Next it was off to You Can Be a Missions leader, where S. and her step-aunt were as well. We talked in groups about how we are serving right now, how we hope to be serving in the future, what we can do in our own churches and communities. We had worship again, girls talked about the Poverty Experience (shelter), there was a video about a woman who was sold into prostitution by her family in a country that used to be a part of Russia. i was so overwhelmed by all that had happened on this day. Cindy talked about not being discouraged by detours, that God is still guiding us, which put into words what i had been trying to grasp during Understanding God's Will. You see, growing up i had always heard in church that if you aren't going forward then you are going backwards, and this is something that has not seemed to ring true in my life over the past seven years. i haven't moved away from God, i have merely been trying to follow Him, but i feel like i can't find Him, i feel lost. i wrote a prayer during the service, talking to God openly about how i felt, and it was right.

After dinner was "Fun Times" which turned out to be a panel for the band where we could ask them for advice on relationships. Cindy and Steven are engaged to be married in November. Cindy's friend tours with the group and is single. The drummer has been dating his girlfriend for six years. The guitar player had divorced his wife and has since remarried her: he says that playing with the band keeps him on track with God. The session was funny and informative and i was in tears by the end of it. Cindy was talking about finding the man you're meant to be with, that you need to keep serving God and when you meet the right guy it won't be hard, you won't have to struggle to be together, but your ministries will already coincide with one another and strengthen each other. Later she talked about when her grandmother made biscuits and would sift the flour and praying that God would sift out the parts of her life that He didn't want, that He would throw out what He didn't need. At this point i was balling my eyes out because this is exactly what i have been going through, struggling to give to God, the concept that i may have to stay single, that He might not want me to get married or have kids. But i still want Him to be able to use me, so i've had to pray that He will take those desires away from me if that's His will.

The last conference i went to was I Just Do What the Voices Tell Me to Do and was led by another friend of L.'s, in fact this was the only conference i had seen her attend and she had gone to visit this friend several times over the course of the week. Her first friend also attended this conference, at which she admitted that she had been married before. But this session was about peer pressure and what it really means to be a moral person. i saw some quotes and magazine ads that really disturbed me. The leader said she was 31 and still single and sifting was still fresh in my mind. i went back to my room, mentally and physically exhausted from the day. i had twisted my ankle that morning, and both my legs were cramping, and i didn't want to go to the concert for a singer i'd never heard of. i watched the end of I, Robot and then watched Minority Report, which i hadn't seen in a long time. i also talked with two sisters who were returning my cell phone charger (they had forgotten theirs) about some of the features to look at when buying a computer to use at college and the pros and cons of a flash memory drive.

Friday morning, our last day, Katie and i packed everything up and got ready for the day. We had one more joined worship session that both bands played at. The main speaker, who i had not really enjoyed up to this point (in fact, i found it impossible not to fall asleep during her message on Wednesday night) talked about meeting the woman she was named after for the first time. i'm named after Christ, so this was an interesting concept for me, i know i will meet Him someday. i wanted to write something about what she said, but i knew i wouldn't remember it even as she said it, and now it's been an entire week. But she said to bloom where God plants you, i remember that.

After the conference we went back to our rooms to make sure we had packed everything, checked our luggage in the lobby, and rode the bus to another area of town. There was some shopping, and a museum, but i mostly sat in the food court and talked to the other girls. One of the things that had been said in You Can Be a Mission Leader is that teen girls feel more comfortable talking about their problems with collegiate women because they just went through high school and some of the same problems. i hadn't gotten to see that much of the teens over the week, most of our activities were the same but entirely separate. i spoke with S. and several other girls about things they were going through. One girl told me about her friend who is anorexic and cutting and she doesn't know what to do about it; she's afraid everyone will hate her if she gets help for her friend and the principal doesn't seem to care. i talked with her for quite a while, wishing i could help her more, because even though i'd had two friends with the same problems (one who cut, one who was anorexic and bullemic) i didn't really know what to do about it still. i've prayed for her, and encouraged her, but ultimately it is always in God's hands.

After lunch we went back to the hotel, got our bags, and rode to the airport. It turned out that Katie had left her bag at the hotel in the lobby (with a t-shirt in it, among other things) and she was upset about it. Our bag was now five pounds overweight, but we were sharing a bag, and the lady didn't charge us. i got online to check my e-mail, listen to some music (i forgot my iPod in the car at the airport parking lot), and kill some time. Jeremy Camp's "Carried Me" had been stuck in my head all day, and it was slowly becoming clear to me that though i felt lost that Christ must be carrying me, for i certainly haven't had the strength to follow Him on my own power as of late. On Tuesday or Wednesday i had started writing a letter to another friend with the same name as S. (but spelled differently) but still haven't gotten around to finishing it and sending it (sorry!). i showed S.'s step-aunt my work on Deviant Art, and it turns out that she likes to paint with oils and liked my drawings in particular. S. was off to Phoenix, but almost everyone else was flying back to Denver on the same flight, but not L. We sat in the back of the plane this time, me reading PoA between a teen and one of the leaders. We had to circle the airport once before landing, which freaked out the girl (she was by the window), but everything was uneventful. Katie and i took a bit of a scenic route from Denver to Idaho Springs, which was beautiful, and then played games that i had missed on Thursday night because i didn't go to the party where t-shirts were being given out that night. We were laughing so hard that at one point that i couldn't breathe. We got home at about 11:30, and i was so tired that i was singing to stay awake and drove straight to Grandma and Grandad's instead of dropping Katie off (she had fallen asleep sometime after Glenwood Springs, where she got tea, then spilled it on herself when we got back in the car).

Saturday was a block party for VBS so i helped Mom out a bit by taking Grandma and Grandad to the house for some sorting, then talked with Mom at the park. Afterwards i went to the theater and ended up seeing OotP with Sam, from work, and meeting her husband for the first time. They changed a lot in the movie (from the book), which didn't make me dislike it, but it was strange.

This week i have been packing, cleaning, and recuperating. On Wednesday morning i had my wisdom teeth removed and now i have chipmunk cheeks and am bruised. Tomorrow i'm flying to Atlanta to drive with Megan and her kids back to Colorado for the cleaning out of the grandparent's house and a yard sale. Tonight i'll be attending a dinner theater with Frankie, and later will buy Deathly Hallows at midnight and most likely stay up all night reading it, before taking the Greyhound to Denver at 5 a.m. so i can make my flight. Of course i just checked to make sure my last paycheck had been deposited to my account and it hadn't, so hopefully that just means that it's being held for me at work. i better head on over there.