seriously?

Sometimes i feel as if people are trying too hard to sell me on something i want to believe in and as a result they end up turning me off rather than convincing me.  This was definitely the case while browsing the MadeToRun website/blog.

 On the other hand, i'm not sure humor is the way to go.  There were two videos that i saw today that amused me very much but didn't help answer questions, either.  For instance this Anti-Shoe Infomercial:

which makes fun of itself so much that it compromises the point that it's trying to make (if they are pro-barefoot) and The Barefoot Runner (warning: NSFW from :25-:30):

 in which very little running actually occurs.

I don't want to hear/read studies or common sense be referenced.  I want people to relate their personal experiences.  I want to know what others feel and have felt so i can guess what i would feel if i were in their shoes.  That is why Leah's KomodoSport review and Justin's ...Power of Bare Feet have sold me more than anything else i've read in the past few hours.  They are real, they ring true, they give voice to things i've known and felt (if only in my gut) but couldn't manage to put into words myself.


The rest...well i'm still hating the fact that i'm working somewhere that mostly carries merchandise made in China and remembering what someone said today in Sunday school.  Americans today feel entitled to things that they shouldn't, that have no worth when we don't have to struggle to obtain them.  I know that fits into my life somehow.

New Year's resolutions of a sort

i do not normally make New Year's resolutions: i figure that there is no point in putting off until the New Year to start improving upon something that needs fixing today. i've been fighting to fix things in my life for over a decade now, so this post is more of a State of the Lunacy speech. It's been an arduous journey, stumbling around in the dark trying to figure out the answers to questions that seem to have no answers, trying to figure out God's will when He has been so very silent. i'm sorry to say that i don't pursue God as keenly as i once did: i realized a long time ago that the harder i sought Him the more i fell apart when i didn't find Him. i used to blame Him for that, for my inability to find Him, because i was always taught that He would come running when i called. When that proved to not necessarily be the case, my whole life fell apart. Some people would call my opinions towards how God works to be sacrilegious, but i think that very often we take God's Word out of context. We're all stumbling around in the dark whether we realize it or not, and there's no way that any one person has all the answers while they're here on earth, otherwise what would be the point in continuing to live? If you aren't striving and learning then you're wasting precious life.

There were many things that i had to come to terms with in order to reach this point. My quarter life crisis hit me hard, and in many ways is still hitting me. i have no career. i have no relationship prospects. i had to get over Brad and then come to terms with the fact that i was willing to give him so very much that compromised parts of myself that i never wanted to compromise. Because i have no experience in dating or love i didn't realize what i was doing, i was completely blind. It didn't help matters that the man that i fell in love with turned out to be nothing like i thought he was and that i had been ignoring the small warning signs. i'm glad that i didn't end up with Brad now, but it took me a long time to reach this point, i still cannot say that i am entirely over him. It would be very hard for me to articulate just how very much i long to be in a marriage relationship, to not be alone, and where i have slid to as a result without losing all integrity. Yes, i am still a virgin, but i still feel sullied because of how much i gave emotionally and how much lust that i'm trying to deal with right now. i have no idea how to come to grips with my sexuality when i am single and trying to live a pure life, the entire "just ignore it" thing that the church has going on isn't helping me. i've also come to realize that i have some rather unrealistic expectations when it comes to marriage, that i've bought into the chick flick mentality a bit too much.

So my first two resolutions for this year are to more actively seek God again and surrender my lustful urges to Him in an attempt to confine them to His will and guidelines.

One of the most obvious external indicators of the changes that have happened in my life over the past year and a half is my body. It has taken me a very, very long time to come to grips with my weight. The truth is that i thought i was fat since i was about eight or nine, largely because that's what my peers told me and it seemed as if my mother thought she was fat. When i was Katie's age and size i hid my body and lived in humiliation because i did not understand what i had done to become fat or why i couldn't lose the weight. What i did not understand at the time was that i wasn't fat, my body just looked different than the ones i saw around me because i was athletic and big boned and more padded than the stick straight anorexic look that most people seem to go for these days. i would love to have my body from high school back again, but the little known truth is that our body's shape and size is not what determines our happiness. Our weight only has as much power as we give it, we don't have to be obsessed with losing those 10-15 pounds that we don't need to lose no matter how much society is screaming at us to do so. Is it more important to look like a model or be healthy?

i feel vastly healthier than i did after Brad and i broke up, which was at a point in my life where i was depressed and didn't care about taking care of my body. The ironic thing is that, my first big jump in weight gain, i was depressed but trying very hard to take care of my body, i just wasn't going about it in the right way. i have fought very hard not to gain more weight than i have. The things that i blame the most on my weight gain are depression and insomnia, even more than eating junk food or anything else, because i have almost always been active. i used to think that there was something wrong with my body because i didn't lose weight when i dieted and worked out. More sacrilege? Still, it's the truth. i'm starting to wonder if it's all the unnecessary chemicals and growth hormones that are in all the food at the local grocery store that have caused my body to not maintain a healthy weight.

So my next two resolutions are to reapply myself to eating less high fructose corn syrup, unnecessary chemicals--and instead buy natural and organic foods as much as possible--and to reapply myself to my training. i think i've finally come to a place where i am truly happy with my body but know that i have to keep fighting to lose more weight. i will never be the same size as Megan, and i'll probably never be the same size as Katie again, but maybe i can get below 200 pounds and get back into size 14 or 16 and just be healthy and happy. To that end i believe that i'll start training for Olympic length triathlons but only compete in Sprint length ones until i can improve my performance... say at least come in the top 75%! lol

My last three resolutions are to expand my social circle, write more, and balance my selfless and self-protective natures.

i have always felt a bit socially awkward, and to be honest playing WoW has exacerbated that. Throwing myself into the game, i thought i had a lot of friends, when in reality they were just nicer to me than most people are. There was no real connection or hold between us. Everything there has fallen apart time and again, and there's always two or three jerks that have to bring out the worst in me. One of the reasons that i didn't make a very good actress is because i was afraid to look bad: Emma Thompson and David Tennant have proven to me that the ugly parts of a person can make them all the more beautiful. i need to stop caring so much about what people say about me because very often they do it just to get a rise out of me and it makes me uglier than if i would have let it slide off my back.

So i'm quitting WoW, probably for good, and that was part of the deal i made with God when i decided to apply for the job at WoW.com: i have been considering leaving the game for a long time, and i promised Him that if i didn't get the job that i would finally quit the game. i want to try to make more friends my own age, or maybe just within my own interests. Let's face it, i am and have been and will always be a geek. Gaming will just become a smaller part of my life, just as it always was before i took up WoW. Now i will seek relationships based on shared faith, or interest in reading/writing, or in knitting, or in triathlons. Of course i also have two more semesters of school to get through, and a lot of what i can accomplish will depend on what my school-load is like.

i have been so grateful with my friendship with Katie these past few months. i also hate being sick, and cannot wait for this stupid cold to go away and the semester to start so i can start training again. i have several knitting projects that i'm looking forward to working on soon. i'm trying to make healthy choices and continue to grow as we enter a new decade... even though that decade technically doesn't begin until a year from now. (;

training and school

If you've been checking out my Facebook or MapMyTri, you know that i've been continuing to train. i'm not enjoying the gym at St. Mary's thus far, all of the elliptical trainers are causing me injury instead of preventing them. Next time i will have to use one of the treadmills, which isn't a great option because the really good ones have a twenty minute time limit and the they're all old. Running outside would be so much better but would require me to drive somewhere good to run. The ellipticals at Mesa's gym are so much better, but then, the pool is closed there. One thing that is driving me crazy is riding the bikes indoors, there's nothing wrong with them, but i get so hot indoors and would really love to feel a breeze.

Today in US Lit my group finally did our oral report. i only had five minutes, and i was so nervous that i wasn't as articulate as i would have liked. i didn't have enough time to say what i would have liked, but i haven't frozen so bad ever before, i don't think i could have done it without my notes. i'm much more comfortable speaking from my desk than from a podium.

Now that is out of the way, i have another reading response to write and a research paper to work on... and that's only for U.S. Lit. In British Romanticism i ahve an 8 page literary analysis to write on one of the poems or authors we've covered this semester (the bright spot in this is that i won't have any classes the week after next in that class, only conferences with the teacher to work on our final papers) and an open book test to study for. In Brit Lit we have a presentation next week (sounds easy enough, but he hasn't discussed it in class yet) and another paper Monday (that he also hasn't discussed yet). Creative Writing is my easy class, we write about a poem a week and i will have to revise about 5 of them for my final portfolio.

So, to sum up: 8 page paper, 5-6 page paper, 2-3 page paper, oral report, portfolio. My training is keeping me centered right now: i'm thinking of trying a new church but have been too exhausted to get out of bed far too many Sunday mornings (it's basically the only day i feel i can sleep in without getting fired or flunking). i'm most worried about my grade in Brit Lit, what papers he FINALLY handed back didn't look good. At this point, i'll be happy with a B in there, and i really wanted to make straight A's this semester. Yeah, don't think i'll be blogging much for the rest of the semester. i'd like to post my papers and poems though, we'll have to see if i can find the time.

patience

The ride to church this morning was highly aggravating. i didn't want to wake up, but did, and got dressed, and ate a quick breakfast, and came out to get into an overstuffed van. i was in a pleasant enough mood, just tired, as i haven't been getting enough sleep this week due to the return of insomnia. The three kids who were sitting behind me proceeded to whine and bicker the entire way into town. If i told them to be quiet, or nice, they would ignore me. My seatbelt kept locking up and choking me. Sammy asked me why i was in a bad mood, why i had been in a bad mood when i came down, which of course doesn't help my mood. And then everyone in the front seat started singing annoying kids' songs about having joy in your heart and all that jazz... because it's so nice to be in a sandwich of rudeness and judgment.

And i know that it's wrong of me to be annoyed, but i need quiet, i have only just gotten out of bed and i can't take the cacophony that i am surrounded by. i'm not a morning person, i need time to wake up so i can process things and not be overloaded. Peace and quiet not being forthcoming, i stuck my fingers in my ears and tried to imagine myself in my happy place, which varies from time to time. Today i was thinking of standing on the Monument embracing the wind a la Pride and Prejudice (the Knightley version). It helped me deal as the cacophony continued unabated.

i arrive in class first of course. No one comes in until 9:01, and the teacher doesn't arrive for several minutes after that. It gave me time to listen to some of the music on my phone, further bolstering my mood. The class was fine once it got started, i suppose, i'm still not sure where i should be. i feel at home in my parents' class, surrounded with acceptance and love. Waiting around for people to show up that i don't really know doesn't quite lend the same feeling. i know that no one means to make me feel excluded or hated, it just doesn't feel quite like home (to be more precise, i feel out of place). The old Sunday school class was what i missed the most about Colorado, they are who i wanted to invite to my wedding, the only friends i really have. i feel like i should be making an effort to form new friendships, etc., but i'm not sure i can handle it. Things are so uncertain for me right now, raw and damaged as i am.

A verse stuck out to me today, not one that the lesson or sermon was on, but one that was nearby, across the page, underlined in fact.

A life of moral excellence leads to knowing God better. Knowing God leads to self-control. Self-control leads to patient endurance, and patient endurance leads to godliness. Godliness leads to love for other Christians, and finally you will grow to have genuine love for everyone. The more you grow like this, the more you will become productive and useful in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. (2 Peter 1:5b-9)

Self-control... it's not exactly a trait that i have been displaying lately. Upon reading the passage, a part of me is confused. It's not that i'm trying to quibble about semantics, i'm not, i'm just very literal and sometimes things i read seem to contradict itself and leaves me wondering what in the world the author was trying to say.

How can someone have self-control without patience? i guess my perception is wrong, but it seems to me that if you're not patient then you're not going to control yourself. Even if you do control your speech, that doesn't guarantee that you're controlling your thoughts and attitude. i want to have more self-control, i want to be more meditative and contemplative and wait five minutes before i respond, but... i don't know how to. i can't chew my food twenty times before swallowing (every chew i swallow a bit more, i can't help it), if i wait to make a comment i might forget is and lose what i was trying to say (i'm turning into my mother and becoming forgetful), not to mention that when i wait i never get to speak because no one will give me the chance. i don't want to interrupt, or blurt out, but sometimes i just can't help it, it won't stay in, it has to come forth.

i've been trying to figure out how to develop my patience for a long time. It's a lot easier when you're only living with one person, or a couple (not that it's easy), but it's very difficult when your presence makes nine. How am i supposed to develop patience? It looks like i have to develop self-control first. How on earth am i supposed to develop self-control??? It goes back to the moral excellence and knowing God, i suppose. i've had moral excellence in my life, i was such a goodie-two-shoes growing up that the memory makes me sick. (lol people were "frightened by my excellence," just like Sue Ellen on Arthur).

But how am i supposed to know God? Nearly ten years of silence have done anything but develop my patience. i'm not as legalistic anymore, am i then not morally excellent? My conscience feels no twinges of guilt, in fact it feels nothing at all. Most of all, how am i supposed to know the One who will not directly communicate with me? i feel so lost. Many times i feel like i don't even know who He is anymore. i guess my only option is to read my Bible more, pray more, etc., as if that has gotten me very far in the past decade. i am so discouraged. i hate being single and i don't know what to do.

down for the count

The past month has been so hard. A month ago, i was in the middle of Brad's visit. It was wonderful, to finally be kissing, hugging, touching, in a relationship. But i was scared. i knew it couldn't last and i knew it would be horrible when the visit ended. A week later, i was happy because i had forgotten my fear and everything seemed to be going so well. Brad seemed inclined to stay longer. A couple of days later, his mother insisted that he come home, at the end of two weeks (as had been the original estimated time), and i was crushed. He didn't want to go, i knew, but he felt obligated to. It felt like he was choosing his mother before me, that he didn't love me enough.

His departure was too abrupt. One day, he was going to be staying, the next he was already gone, and we hadn't had a chance to talk, to discuss what this meant. To make matters worse he had forgotten his cellphone, so i didn't get to talk to him for days (we had been talking almost every night before his visit). So i fell into depression for the first time since before Christmas. At night, i couldn't sleep, i would be paralyzed with the loneliness and sorrow and hopelessness. One night, i was even allowing myself to have suicidal thoughts, something i have not done since junior high. In those moments it is not that i want to die, it is that i am overwhelmed with the intense emotional and physical pain, pain that is unrelenting, controlling my every thought.

The pain has dulled, some, but every day is still a battle. The moment i feel that i might be doing okay is when all the bad luck (to put it nicely) is unleashed upon me again. Talking to Brad used to make me feel better, but now the few times that we have gotten to since he left have really only made me feel worse. He's depressed, too, and we're both not dealing with it well at all. We're getting on each other's nerves, getting irritated at faults that didn't matter before, are too quick to get angry. i know i'm being clingy and he doesn't like that. He's not willing to contemplate visiting or continuing the relationship for six months, and he is unhappy with my weight, so i'm not happy about that. I've already lost forty-five pounds, i know i don't want to stay at this weight, but the way he says it... like he'll only be with me if i'm thin. All of my ideas for solutions are taken as nagging, all the conversations are initiated by me, i'm tired of pursuing him... it's just like every other relationship i've ever had. i do all the pursuing and ultimately the other person doesn't want to have anything to do with me and will probably willfully hurt me in an attempt to push me away. Brad wants to take a break, but i don't know if i can wait, want to wait, but what does that say about my love? It must not be strong enough then.

When he first left, it felt like it was already over. i have doubts now where i didn't before, doubts about his anger, his lack of communication, his level of maturity, the way he closes down and chooses to ignore something he doesn't want to discuss or believe. i still don't know if this relationship is ultimately going to work out or not, all i know is that i don't want it to end. i don't want to be alone anymore. i know that getting married to the wrong person can be even worse than staying single, that being alone and at odds with the person who was supposed to be the solution is horrible, but i just can't stand being alone. i used to want Brad because of who he is, now i'm not sure if i love him enough or if i'm just settling, and i don't want to do that to either of us. Before Christmas i was finally trying/starting to get used to the idea of never getting married or having kids, and then this relationship started, and now i cannot go back to living in misery like that. So the relationship is on hold, and i am waiting and living in misery anyway, and i can't let go. i thought that he would be enlisting this summer and was silly enough to believe that we would be getting married by this fall at the latest. Now i know that he is not going to go into the military, that he's unable to find a job, and that i won't get to see him until Christmas at the earliest. He says that he'll be free then, but that's so far away, i don't know if our relationship can handle this. It's not supposed to be hard like this, but then, that's how everything in my life is... hard. Nothing in my life is ever easy or fair.

i can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Sure, six months isn't that far away, but it's actually six months added to years of waiting. Everyone's advice is read your Bible, pray, go to church, have faith, believe in yourself, find friends, find someone to confide in, put God first... i don't know how to do those things anymore. Those things are exactly what i've been doing for eight and a half years (for my entire life, really), and my life has only gotten worse because of it. i read my Bible, i become more depressed because what it says is the exact opposite of what God is doing in my life... so which God do i believe in? The one i read about in the Bible or the one that's absent from my life? i have always believed in the one that's in the Bible, but now even that faith falling apart. i try to pray, but my prayers are still not being answered.

i go to church every week, and i finally have found a good one where the pastor actually delves into God's Word, but i don't know which small group i would fit into. Should i go to the young adult group where everyone is five years younger than me and probably not seriously contemplating marriage? Or the women's group where everyone is probably married and it would be awkward because i'm single? And can i even go at the designated times, or would that interfere with the job i might be starting in a week and spending time with the only friends and ministry that i do have (i mean the ones i play WoW with online). Everyone i have tried to confide in can provide no solutions other than the ones that i have already been trying to adhere to, but that have yet to provide any solution either!

How am i supposed to believe in myself? i do find it sweet and heart warming when people actually say nice things about me (thank you so very much!) but i have a hard time believing that these words are true. It's not that i do not trust their judgement! It is only that, for as long as i can remember, my peers have treated me as i was worthless, someone that should be at best ignored and at worst abused and used. This is putting it in harsh terms, of course, but no one would play with me in preschool through elementary school, friends that i pursued broke my heart, my classmates in high school merely used me for my brains, my volleyball coaches and some teachers were intent on tearing me down, i now have had bosses that have done the same, etc. I guess lots of people have said good things about me to my face, but it's always easier to remember the bad things that i have heard voiced and seen displayed every other day in remembrance. People started telling me i was fat a decade before i actually was... why wasn't there ONE person who would tell me that i wasn't and that i was beautiful the way i was? In other words, losing weight will not solve these issues of being unpopular and socially awkward, because i wasn't popular when i was thin.

i want to be loved for me. i have always said that i am nothing without God, and have fully believed it. i do not sing because i think my voice is beautiful (in fact, i hate my speaking voice), i sing to glorify God. i know that God loves me, that He sent His Son to save me, etc... and yet He won't even look at me, acknowledge me, answer a decade's worth of prayers. Two decades worth of other people telling me i was worthless (with me all the while constantly fighting against believing the same thing as them)... and now God seems to be saying the same thing. Which i know is a stupid thing to believe, in all reality He had absolutely no reason to look on me as a sinner, it is by His grace i am saved. But i've spent over twenty years serving Him, putting His will first, trying to be like Him, giving up on dreams and embracing the new ones He gave me, and now... i don't know how to put my heart back together again and He isn't interested in doing it, either. i don't know how to shut out the naysayers and believe that i am anything but worthless.

Brad has said that he doesn't want to break the relationship off because i have invested so much, that he cares about me, and doesn't want to hurt me. It still hurts to be apart. Nothing is certain. i don't want him to feel obligated towards me, i want him to love me and never leave me. And that's how i feel towards God, too. i have invested my entire life, and what am i left with? i can't support myself, i'm in debt, i am as good as single (i've still never even been on a date) with my options forcibly left open, i am depressed, have tons of emotional baggage that no one can figure out how to deal with and God seems to be uninterested in taking on...

Everything in my life is about trying to please God. It irritates and offends me when anyone says something that even remotely insinuates anything less. Every step, ever inch i have crawled, have been in an effort to glorify and obey Him. i have believed in the impossible and the naysayers have always been proved right. i know that my words are harsh, that i'm not pretty, i don't have the strength to pretend. i don't have any patience anymore, i don't know how to forgive people's thoughtless cruelty anymore... i have decades of that stuff that i always ignored, forgave, and yet still cannot forget. It weighs on me, i don't know how to get rid of it, i've tried throwing it away. i am fallible, i will say that before anyone else, i say that i'm sorry daily. And i know that i am weak, but i don't know how to try anymore, to go on. i don't have a Samwise to carry me up Mount Doom and i don't have a Gollum to bite my finger off, i'm just an epic fail.

All i have ever really wanted was to get married and have children. Acting, writing, singing, school, working, that is all something that i wanted to or had to do in the meantime. i can give up on those dreams, but married and children is engraved on my heart, was a dream that i had before i have memories or had the brain development that's necessary to willfully make such decisions. This is the way we are wired, "be fruitful and multiply," and my biological clock has been ringing since before i can remember. i always knew i would have to wait, so i did willingly fill my life with these things in the meantime, this "busy work," if you will (which is just a stupid figure of speech for doing something because there is nothing to do). But i'm not over my quarter life crisis anymore, i've slid backwards. i don't know where the light is, i have lost all sense of direction. i don't know what God's will is, He hasn't enlightened me in a very long time. And i feel entirely too weak to get up or try anymore. i still need God and don't know how i can ever feel whole without Him, whether Brad is in my life or not.

i don't know if writing about it helps. i try to read the book i got for Christmas, i try to read my Bible, i try to pray, but it all seems hopeless. i keep trying even though i don't really believe that my problems will be solved anymore. i know God can do anything, i do not believe that He will at all. If He was going to, why didn't He after 1, 3, 5, or 7 years of prayer? Seek Him and He will come running, easy for them to say, they should try living in a reality where it isn't true. But how can it not be true, i keep think of Dogma, where the universe will be destroyed if what God said is proven to be untrue. i don't know, i can't understand, so i stopped trying a long time ago (Proverbs 3:5-6 and all), but my paths have only been straight into more despair.

How do i forget years of pain and baggage? How do i ignore what my eyes are telling me and believe in myself and Him? The three words i hate more than anything... i don't know.

church

i've now provided a link to the church that Megan and i are attending. There are mp3s of the sermons there, in case anyone is interested. The sermons are very good, one of the main draws of the church. It's the Community Bible Church of Savannah.

re: Sociology

i'm doing my homework. It's a lot of reading that isn't very in depth. It's easy to read, just not extremely informative. Last week i didn't have a book and managed to get 12 out of 20 questions right (i did read from the first chapter of an old edition and one of the articles as it had been printed in a book twenty years ago). Two things about this chapter have stuck out at me so far:

1) The book claims that hunter-gatherers was what families were until 10,000 years ago, when families suddenly started settling down and planting crops. This is the usual caveman bunk that has no verifiable basis in written history. So, the Bible claims that Adam and Eve settled down and started planting crops around 10,000 years ago. This was written about later, by Moses, but it's a story that was passed down by the family. However, this oral history that was later written down somehow holds less credence to the "experts" than their own unverifiable theories about pre-ancient history. Why is that? Why are they so quick to deny historical documents? Do they think Moses had this great idea, "Hey, I'll lie to everyone and see how many people believe me!"

2) According to the book a form of common law marriage was the norm from the early colonial days to the mid-1800s... That is to say, people said they were married (they didn't go to a church or courthouse, they just moved in together) and everyone accepted that they were married. If the man wanted to go west and was tired of his family he could leave her, find a new woman out west, and start a new family. The author compares this to present day cohabitation. This is vastly different from any concept of family that i have been taught in the past. People just decided they were married so everyone said they were? I'm not sure whether to be legalistic about it (how dare they not be married in a church!) or say good for them.... i mean, think about it, who performed the ceremony for Adam and Eve? Does a marriage have to be a ceremony or wedding, does it have to be witnessed? Don't let the million dollar wedding industry hear, or the u.s. government, but i've always felt that marriage was between a man, a woman, and God, period. But the church and the government always have to try to stick their fingers into our lives, don't they?

Yesterday i read a new term online--churchianity--which i believe begs some looking into. More on that later, back to the books for me.

paralyzed, part ii

In less than a week it will be eight years....

Eight years since what, you might say, but if you have been reading, watching, observing, known me for any length of time, you probably already know, even if you couldn't have marked the date on your own. i'm going to be 26, and i feel so old, entering my late-20's. i know i'm young to so many others, but to me, when i look back at where i was, what i've done, who i've become, i feel old.

It's been eight years and i'm still paralyzed. i thought that night was freeing me, it was full of so much hope and promise, but instead it was plunging me into darkness. i used to be an optimist. Megan laughs at me, says that i was always a pessimist, but if that were so then i would not have made it the past twelve, thirteen, fourteen years. i would have committed suicide if i were a pessimist, but i held on to hope, as slight as it was. Now i feel as if i have no hope but i've come too far to change my mind, to change back to who i was, to undo what has been for what might have been.

i don't believe in killing myself, not that i think that i would go to Hell for it, but i couldn't look God in the face: i would die all over again for the shame of it, letting Him down like that for my own selfish reasons. As much as i am angry at Him i still fear Him, respect Him, love Him. i don't know how to hold on, keep going, rise above, but if i were to give up in such a final, fallible way, then i would cease to be.

We small creatures are caught in a black hole of nowness, of the sensation that the world will end if our lives are sad, or hard, or even happy, and easy. We think that death is the end. It is only the beginning. It blows the mind when one realizes how infinite the universe is, how it never ends, and never begins. i sit back and wonder how it can exist at all. God created everything, infinitely large, with one word, out of nothing, out of void, and yet He was in the void and knew. It is one of many contradictions that define Him. At that moment time began, before that there was no reason to mark it, and now time will always be marked but will someday lose all meaning. We feel the clock ticking now, but one day the clock will mean nothing.

For death will not be the end.

We will live forever and ever, whether in Heaven or Hell.

The weight of that staggers me. My mind will never stop reasoning, feeling, learning, wondering. My body will die but my new one will never fail me, even after millenia of millenia. Will we get tired of always being, way up there? Will we forget our old, lost life, or be able to relive it over and over again? Now i wonder what it would be like to be thin, to be able to see perfectly, to be blind, to be deaf, to be able to fly, will that matter at all in Heaven?

i can't go to my happy place anymore. i know, it's stupid, so Happy Gilmore, but it's important to me. The thing of it is, i usually went to my happy place when i was in church, or at class, during a particularly boring sermon or lecture. i would stare out the window, or at the ceiling, or close my eyes, and imagine myself twirling on grass, singing, walking on a beach, enraptured. That is too far away now. Now when i try to go it is tainted with what ifs, and dreams that are beyond my reach. Everything is beyond my reach. So many dreams but no talent or time or strength to accomplish them. Trying to go to my happy place makes me feel even more lonely and unhappy than i already do.

i cannot imagine being in my happy place, being in Heaven. i can imagine myself bowing before God, laying my crowns at His feet, bathing Jesus' feet with my tears and wiping them dry with my hair, flying through air, swimming through water without running out of breath, flying through space.... But those things, however true they may be, are too far away for me now. How i am ever going to get from tonight to tomorrow to next week to next year is beyond me. And it is all i have been doing for the last eight years, for hope long ago failed me. i am still a fool, and i still hold on, but i do not yet know what will be.

i wrote twenty-one months ago:

The trick to not feeling absolutely crushed is focusing on God. It's difficult to do this when i cannot see, hear, or feel Him, but i remember Him, i know Him. He loves me; i have faith that He's allowing all of this to happen to me so i can become a better person, so He can be glorified in my life, so He can use me in the way He chooses. It doesn't matter what i want, it matters what He wants.

It's so hard to hold onto that, to make sure that i hold all of that hope in my mind. Having hope is a struggle to me now. It blows me away that He trusts me enough to leave me in this place for over seven years when i feel lik i don't even have the strength to get through each day.

I'm not perfect, i'm making a fool of myself. I try so hard, but i end up trying to ignore all my hopes, dreams, and spiritual pursuits just so i can get through a day with a positive attitude. I constantly feel paralyzed, like even if i try to lift myself up off the ground it's an exercise in futility. i don't like who i am becoming, i don't see how this is glorifying Him, and it makes me impatient and angry and selfish. All i want is to serve Him and that just gets stripped away.

It's hard for me to write about this: i don't want anyone to know about the mask i still end up wearing despite my best efforts, i don't want to hurt anyone, i don't want anyone to know how weak i am when i have fought so very hard.

i read more of the things i have written here, and realize, my words are my art, and they help me even now. i am so much farther into the darkness than i was even then. My sentiments are the same, only multiplied who know how many times.

Why am i stuck here? Why can't i move on? Why doesn't my life get better when i have strained, and sweat, and cried, and bled so much??? i am still a little girl, hiding in the dark. On Grey's Anatomy tonight they said that "Fear is good, it lets you know that you still have something to lose." Does that mean that not everything is lost yet? Because i am afraid that it is lost, that i will never recover from this, that i will always be the little girl huddled alone in the dark. i want to be J.K. Rowling, Katherine Heigl, David Beckham, and i know that sounds ridiculous, but please bear with me.

David saw Victoria/Posh on tv and says: "Who is that? I'm going to marry her." Katie says that everything in her life is happening so fast that it's overwhelming, that there's so much good that it's hard to take in. Jo went through a divorce, was on welfare, and wrote the book that wouldn't do well, that wouldn't sell, and is now one of the richest people on the planet. i don't want money, or fame, just to be rich and famous; i want to be overwhelmingly happy, to be giving away my money, to be telling the world what God wants me to say and have people actually listen to me--to Him--because i'm famous.

In real life everyone ignores me, and they don't even realize it. i'll be excited about something, sharing it, and no one listens, no one cares, it goes in one ear and out the other. i'll need help, advice, have help, advice, to give, but they don't pay attention, they don't help, they don't take my help and screw themselves over in the process. i'm a nice person, but i'm not going to force you to listen to me, take my help, stop looking like an idiot. People tell me i'm too loud, then why is that so much of the time i'm inwardly screaming at the top of my lungs and outworldy whispering "Why won't anyone listen??? Did i just stutter? Should i have yelled out loud instead of talking in a normal tone? Should i have sweared, or insulted, or pulled your hair, or punched you, would that have made a difference???"

i know that there are some people who read what i write, but i still feel like i'm in a vacuum, a void. i hope you, the reader, get something out of my words, because so often i feel as if they are fruitless...

...but i have to write them.

i feel compelled to write.

i have to write.

But what do i have to say?

i've already said it.



Will i always be here, huddled in the dark? Will i ever truly fall in love? Will anyone ever fall in love with me? i have looked at men, said to myself, "He's the one," and he never was. How can a person move on when they are caged in the dark? How can they be loved when they are so ugly inside? On the outside? No matter how beautiful i am, will i always be the "fat girl"? Will i always be the girl with the lisp? Will i always be the socially backwards outsider that doesn't know how to connect with other human beings and feels miserable and hates herself for it?

i hate being sick and tired and alone and worthless. i want to be healthy, and alive, and beautiful, and loved, and a really useful woman (lol with tears streaming down my face). i'm afraid that i'll always be alone, that i'll never have children, and i know i'm not ready. i don't want my imzadi to see me like this. My hope is in God, not in a man, or a child, anyone but the Christ-child, the Messiah, the Redeemer, the Lover of my soul.

My wound is laid bare again. That is the way it should be. It hurts to breathe not because of my congestion or sore throat, but because of my need for Him. i will always need Him, i cannot stop needing Him, and that is why i wait, not because i have the strength, or wisdom, or faith, but because i have the weakness, the doubt, and the fear. i will always be His little girl.

It is four days until my anniversary. i cannot go on, i do not know His will anymore, if i was ever right, or if i have always been wrong, but i will still wait for Him, even if it takes another eight years. Do not be proud of me for that, i have done nothing at all... but give up.

which is not to say...

...that there is any reason to praise me. i often feel when i am talking about how God seems to have exalted me that i have then exalted myself too much. i have trouble accepting compliments, and i think that it's for two reasons, firstly because i rarely feel as if my father approves of me and secondly because i feel as if my life should only glorify God and if anything good comes from my actions it is merely because He has used me, not by any power of my own.

Furthermore, i do not mean to put others down who are in a different stage of their relationship with Him than i am, merely encourage them to pursue God's will and guidance in their own lives. i am fully aware that many are comfortable as they are, and while that bothers me it is also not for me to judge. i am simply not content to accept the status quo, never have been, and i am no longer a mundane. Some people see the world as they perceive it to be, others see the world as God perceives it to be, and i am tired of ignorance and cruelty and hatred being perpetuated in His name.

The modern too church judges too often and restricts the Spirit's freedom to move too often. When every minute of a service is planned out, is unable to be changed at need, is restricted to what the ministers have planned out to the letter, there is not room for God to move as He would wish it. When we limit our interaction with Him He reciprocates in kind. If we do not expect Him to move in a great way, then He won't, if we do, then He will, but also He does not respond to our every bidding. We must surrender and allow Him to move when He wants to.

i want to beg forgiveness for what i am saying, but i can't. i actually feel that God wants me to write these things. i will not accept that God cannot be as present today as He was when Jesus walked the earth and as the church grew. i will not accept a lifestyle and system of beliefs because any man tells me to believe it, i must test it against God's Word and the Spirit's council. i will not allow myself to fall prey to the legalistic who perpetuate and ideology that God did not intend to be implemented. If i must stand alone then i will. i don't expect people to understand what i am communicating, or accept it, but i will rejoice if they do. i don't expect my family to appreciate my ministry, but i will rejoice if they do.

Being a Christian does not equal an easy life where everything you want to have is given to you by God. God's love is not dependent upon or indicated by how many earthly belongings you obtain, which is to say that if you are poor or struggling then that does not mean God doesn't love you. Far from it! But blaming Him for the hard things and saying that He is not being true to His promises is incorrect, misleading, childish. A lie that the church seems to have perpetuated is that if you are a Christian then you will always be happy and "blessed" with ease of life, good health, etc. This is foolish, for we see throughout the Bible that God's people have forgotten His blessings during times of peace and turned to worshiping other gods or themselves. Going through hard times tests our faith and makes it grow and strengthen. Science has proved that a tree that is not tested by the wind will never send its roots down deep enough to anchor its adult form, instead it will eventually become top heavy and fall over.

Being sad is okay. Growing often hurts, but that does not mean we are abandoned. Having joy does not mean smiling all the time, acting like you are happy when you aren't and putting on a mask: it means that you have hope. The world does not have hope, when it sees our fake smiles it is not won over. They know that life is hard, they're realistic and usually don't accept the supposition that becoming a Christian will make life easy. It won't, so stop believing that lie. That's one that Satan uses us to discourage God's children and make them turn away from Him when things are hard. But with God, all thing are possible, which isn't to say that they will happen, but they could happen. The question is always "What is God's will?"

God doesn't want us to be sad or poor or sick, He wants to bless us! If there is something hard you are going through, there is a reason for it, maybe not one that you understand, or are supposed to, or can, but He has a reason for it. Do not forget that God is omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent, and loves you. Love is the key, this is what the world does not understand, nor many Christians. They mistake lust, a fleeting series of hormonal surges that they want to act upon recklessly, for that which is only obtained and given by sweat, tears, and true passion. Which is not to say that infatuation does not have its place in a Christians' life: God made our bodies to be this way, but He also gave us minds to temper our actions. But true love grows from more, from the point where you choose to keep giving of yourself, even when infatuation has worn off, even when lust is gone, even when it is so hard that you feel as if you will perish or be scarred beyond beauty or redemption forever.

Serving God isn't easy, don't ever let anyone tell you it is. But it is beautiful, filled with pain mingled with hope, tears mingled with laughter. If God's Son suffered, so will you, but so will you be glorified in the end.

i am a virgin, part 4

i have been avoiding writing. What is there to say that hasn't been said before? This is why i don't journal anymore, why i don't go to church, because i am tired of pursuing God without reciprocation. i'm tired of doubting God, of being mad at Him for not keeping His promises, for feeling guilty because i'm mad at Him, because i am weak, because i am not doing enough to serve Him. i am exhausted.

i also think that i no longer believe in corporate worship as it largely exists in the U.S. today. In Acts and Roman it seems to me that the Spirit moves most powerfully in homes, not in a church building. Why should we spend so much on a building, on having a fake garden on stage, on the church workers, when we could meet in homes, at parks, and send all of that money to people who desperately need it for food, housing, clothing, health care? It feels like a vicious cycle when so few serve and are forced to do all the work. But i don't know how to find people who want to worship in the same way i do, who feel called to serve, to change the looming fate of a nation. Maybe it's too late, maybe Jesus' return is right around the corner, but i still struggle to be the optimist and fight against the pessimism that i am flooded with when i attend a worship service where so few sing and the sermon is about jokes instead of God's truth.

Quitting college has been such a relief for me. i never wanted to attend Mesa State, i never felt like i fit in there, that it was the right place, but i haven't known what else to do, where else to go. It kills me that i cannot support myself and that my life seems to be going nowhere. But as much as i appreciate my new freedom my loneliness has only become more pronounced. At school i had a few classmates that i connected with, and i would talk to them, see them three times a week. Right after i quit classes i started talking to RobG more, as i relieve him as MCO, but he complains a lot, and we have little in common. My granparents have finally been moved into assisted living (praise God) and i have an empty house with a cat that only barely tolerates me. So i am not paying my own way, i'm in so much debt from going to a school that was a waste of time, i have no friends, and now i'm thinking about moving cross country and going deeper into debt?

It's scary, to feel like God wants me to go to Florida on a whim, on faith, when at the same time i feel like he hasn't been providing for me. i've been forced to live off the charity of others, which is very humbling and annoying. All i've wanted to do is work towards and fight for my future, but the way is shut. i feel like i'm caged. But now there's the possibility of me moving towards something, and i have no doubt that i would excel at it, but is that what God wants for me? It's intimidating. And right now i would give up all my dreams in pursuit of the one that i have wanted longest of all.

My biological clock has been ticking. That sounds so stupid, but i knew when i was three that i wanted to be a mother and throughout my entire childhood all of my play was geared towards marriage and starting a family, whether i was playing with Barbies, Legos, Star Trek figurines, or Hot Wheels. i thought that my life would be set once i turned eighteen, that i would meet the boy of my dreams and we would get married and life would be perfect. Yes, eighteen was the magic number to me, the magic age, but here i am, twenty-five, and i've never even been on a date, or been kissed, had a chance to fall in love. i've always felt somehow guilty for it, to want this--love, marriage, pregnancy, children--so very much, to read the pregnancy books that were sprinkled throughout the house, to want every movie/show to have a romance with a happy ending. i have tried to hide it, tried to ignore it, but i feel it with all that i am. Even more than i want to make films, write books, change the world, i want this.

i know it stems from the fact that i have always felt that i could never do anything to make my father proud of me, because what i want to achieve he doesn't understand, and also because i am not good enough at the things he cares about. i know that it is because my Mom spent ten years praying for another baby, because she homeschooled me and brought me up in the Word. i know that i am rebeling against the feminists in the family, to not want to become a matriarch, to want nothing more than a good man who will take care of me, to submit to. And i also know that letting most guys know that you want to get married and start a family right away scares them away immediately, but i've never even had the chance to do that. The guys i have expressed interest in either ignored me, pushed me away, or were unavailable. No one has ever asked me on a date, and i don't believe in changing myself to make myself more appealing, flirting or dressing provacatively. But i wonder why i am always alone, rejected by peers, and outsider. Like Meredith on Thanksgiving on Grey's Anatomy, i feel as if my presence at a party is a downer, is not welcome exactly not welcome necessarily, but as if things are better without me and my baggage.

When i was eighteen i felt that having a family right away was necessarily something that had to happen for me immediately, that i would enjoy living as a married couple for a while, working towards a career for a little while maybe, and seeing the world with my husband. But it has been seven years now, and i still haven't found a book or screenplay to write, i still can't support myself (let alone a child), i still haven't met my husband, and for all my efforts i feel farther away from God than ever. i do not mind so much about not dating, because i have always known that i am not the shopping around type; i want to meet my imzadi and i want to spend the rest of my life with him, with that one man. And right now (in particular) i am glad that i'm not dating because i think i would find it very hard to remain sexually pure. It's like Elizabeth says in Dead Man's Chest: "I'm so ready to be married."

Twenty-five years of virginity is no easy thing, especially when you feel like you're the only one in the universe who's saving yourself, who's waiting for marriage, and certain coworkers think such a thing is unnatural, is freakish. i don't know how to not believe what i do, but it's not easy being alone, especially when i feel like i'm only half a person, incomplete. To me, it seems the most important thing in life (after serving God) is marriage, to fill the earth and subdue it, but what is left to subdue on this planet? And no matter how advanced our science has become we can only fill the earth when a man's dna interacts with a woman's.

i hate sounding like a depressed whiner drama queen. But how could i honestly wish to stop feeling things so deeply, when they are the very propensities that make me me? My empathy is what i hope to save, my anger and despair to destroy. But i don't know how to live my life alone, to live my life at all. i have always known that a am nothing without God, that i will certainly fail if i try to do anything in my own power. i cannot be an astronaut, or a pirate, or a rebel fighter, but those are the things that inspire me, to explore, to fight for what is right against all odds, to die for what you believe in if need be. i am so much smaller as an individual in comparison to the hope and promise that God has given me. It's hard to reconcile the dark and hope that i am overwhelmed with at the same time, but they are as surely as I Am.

i don't feel worthy of God's love, the faith that He has displayed in me. Sometimes i wish i could turn my back on Him, the pain, on my life. But if like is devoid of hope, devoid of Him, then how much worse would death be, an eternity without Him? i cannot fathom the boundless nature of the universe, how God always was and is and will be, how my soul is just as deathless. i do not fear death, neither do i want it, it does not hold sway over me. But the dark... i don't know how to get free of it. i don't know if i'm supposed to. i don't think i can. i feel helpless, and my hope is in God. He seems to believe that i can get through this, i'm not so sure.

i don't know how to be normal, or act like the world is fine. Nothing is fine. The world is sinful, war feels safer than peace, because peace would mean the end to so many freedoms. Nothing makes sense. i don't know how to tell anyone about God when i don't understand what He's doing myself and when it is deemed offensive by the media that i am surrounded with. Christianity, the denial of self, purity, are foreign concepts to the world. i try to stand apart, but it's unbelievably hard and painful. More than anything, i cannot fake normalcy anymore, i cannot play that game, but i don't know how to be true to God anymore, either. i feel as if i am at the end of a battle where all hope is lost and i cannot surrender but i cannot find the strength to fight, either.

It's hard for me to express this without sounding depressed or holier than thou. i'm not perfect, i'm sinful, and i fight against my sin nature while simultaneously wanting to give in to it. More than anything, i want to always follow God's perfect will, but i don't know if i'm strong enough... No, i know i'm not strong enough. i pray for strength, i pray for deliverance, but i don't know what will happen. Sometimes i wonder if i've got a chemical imbalance in my head, but i know that the spiritual forces i sometimes sense are really there, fighting over this nation's future, the world. i don't care if i don't play a big part in it so much as i care about doing God's will. If he would let me then i think i would be content to be a nameless individual with a husband and family, but somehow i've always known that it wasn't to be. i wish i were wrong, i hope that i can still have those things, but it's up to Him. And that makes me sad and hopeful at the same time.

observations on going back to church

i should be working on homework, but i really, really don't feel like it.

i went to church last week for probably the first time since i started working full time. i chose to go to Canyon View again because i don't know where else to go, what time services start at other churches, etc. The first two songs i did not know but was appalled by how no one seemed to be singing them while i was trying to sing along. The music was not as good as usual: i don't like how there doesn't seem to be a predominant melody on stage, everyone is singing harmony or a descant. But it actually felt good to be back in church, and i think i know why.

i have been extremely let down by my recent church-going experiences. Music is definitely an important part of the experience, but more importantly to me i have expected to be fed by a message from the Word. Though the pastor at my parents' church harps on and on about the Word of God being infallible, all-important, he does not practice what he preaches. He takes his sermons from other ministers, not even taking the time to verify that what they teach is even Scripturally sound. There was one week where he said that Jesus' feet being annointed was the same time as his head being annointed (in events leading up to the crucifixion) when upon five minutes of searching it is clear that in one gospel that one happens directly before Palm Sunday, the other event just after Palm Sunday. Even further, i was finding it exceedingly depressing to go to church or read my Bible when nearly everything that i was hearing screamed out to me within: "Yes, i've done this, i know this, i've always persevered to follow this, so why is my life so horrible instead of the way He promises?"

And this week i realized... i've been looking for a church where i can get the most out of the experience. My entire life i've been part of the 10% that does 90% of the work, since before anyone (save maybe my parents) thought i was old enough to give at all, and i'm tired. i never really understood why it bothered me so much, but i've seen this same attitude for years in the lives of senior citizens and always felt betrayed by their presumption that they should not have to do any work any more, and how they always complained about it. And then i see this same pattern in me, i've burned out after only twenty-some years, how long did they serve? i feel ashamed. And i realized that usually i am refilled by serving at AWANA because i go expecting to give, not receive.

So on Sunday i did not go expecting to receive, but to give. To give what? All that i feel i can give right now, worship, and faith, and hope, and devotion. Those are all very hard for me now, are all sacrifices. i guess they always were, but they always felt easy before, and now i have this nagging voice screaming at me: "God always takes away your dreams, the things that bring you joy, and He always will..." That's what i'm so afraid of. None of my dreams have ever come to fruition, they're always torn apart, corrupted, taken away unfulfilled. i'm so scared that i'll never fall in love, get married, have children, write anything publishable, work in the film industry, do anything to justify my existence and the pain on the path i embraced. How do i keep trusting God with this overwhelming fear? i gave Him everything, only to have my heart broken, how do i continue to give Him everything? How do i continue to trust Him with abandon? i have for so long, and i'm still waiting, i'm still wondering how i got through the past seven+ years and still have not learned patience. i need patience. But i'm still too impatient to develop it.

i want to be delivered now, that's what i've always wanted. i never thought it would hurt too much for the end to justify what i've been through to get there, but now i'm not so sure. And the question i have to ask myself is can i forgive God, love God, serve God, even if He doesn't fulfill His promises? i don't know how to live apart from Him, let alone turn my back on Him, but how am i supposed to say "yes, Lord, yes, Lord, yes yes, Lord, amen," when it hurts so much?

People act like i am depressed, that i should cheer up, but that's not how i feel. i have embraced the chaos, accepted that i must go through to go forward and get out, that God has a plan, even in this overwhelming pressing darkness, and i know that i am only being realistic. How can one survive without God? When His face and voice and touch and love are hidden? How does one push past the overwhelming fear and continue to reach out to Him when all hope is lost? i cannot reach Him, He must reach me, how do i keep reaching? i cannot find my way out when i did not come here myself, i was dropped here, blindfolded, and all is alien. There is no door, there is no window, i am caged.

And then sometimes i realize that i must be held in the palm of His hand like in Isaiah, held so tightly that an imprint is left. But i do not feel Him, i am not always so optimistic. What must He be shielding me from?...

Re: what i'm saying is...

I'm sorry that it's taken so long for me to get back to the computer. I feel that it's important that i reply to some of your comments. Firstly, thank you for your encouragement, Yadah. Secondly, i wish to respond to Apostle John.

I go to church to both bless and be blessed. As i've said, i'm currently having trouble with the giving part because i've been so badly hurt by my brethren in the Lord as well as God. I try to have the same mentality as St. Francis of Assisi (Lord, grant that i may seek to comfort rather than be comforted) but as i feel that i am being constantly attacked from every side that's very difficult right now. For a while it was hard for me to even talk to God about it because i've prayed so very hard in the past and His answer is still wait. I don't know if i have the strength to wait anymore.

You seemed to insinuate that i go to church only to feel good: let me just assure you such is not the case. I am always part of the 2% that does 98% of the work in the church, to quote a common phrase. But in reading God's Word it is clear to me that i must seek God to find Him and He promises that when i seek i will find (Luke 11:10). As i have been seeking Him very hard and not finding very much but silence i am understandably upset. I still believe everything that He promises, which is saying a lot considering some of the anger towards Him that i was holding inside not so long ago. But i've 'fessed up with Him, humbled myself yet again, and started reading my Bible more regularly. I don't know that this will change or help anything imediately, but i am endeavoring to do His will.

The trouble is that it's very hard for me to plan for and work towards a future when i'm not even certain that i'm crawling in the right direction. I hope that makes sense.

what i'm saying is...

what i'm listening to ~ Thousand Foot Krutch
what i'm reading ~ Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austin (just finished Acorna the Unicorn Girl and the Beginning Place)

Yesterday was a very strange Sunday. I went to church in the morning and didn't get blessed, my load only got heavier. I don't know why i expect to experience Him anymore, but i have to hold onto hope. I guess that i should explain that i go to church because it says in His Word that i shouldn't stop attending church (Hebrews 10:25). I go to this church because it's the one my family attends. But because of several things that have happened this past year i'm thinking about attending another church. But i don't know if that will be any different. I want to be where God wants me to be, i'm just not sure where that is.

About my last post: let me just say that i know that i will be able to spend eternity with God, i'm confident that i'm forgiven / saved / a Christian, the trouble is that i'm so overwhelmed with the here and now. I give things to God but my burden doesn't get any lighter, only heavier. I'm sure that it's only the cross that He's chosen for me to bear, but it's a heavy one. I'm so perplexed right now, and desperately trying not to be so selfish but feel that i must be just to survive. It's hard. What i was relating in my last post is that i've gotten to the point where i wonder if i'll ever feel / hear Him here on earth ever again. And i don't know how i feel about the possibility of that being a no.

It's really been getting to me lately how my family still expects me to do exactly what they expect. They just don't get it. And they'll lie about me to my face and laugh it off and say that i just can't take a joke. It's not funny and lying certainly isn't a joke. Am i overly defensive? I feel like i'm constantly under attack. If i am doing what i'm supposed to be doing (God's will) then i will be constantly under attack.

I think what i've been feeling so acutely is "God's curse" as outlined in Romans 8:18-25. I know i need to pray more. It's hard for me because i don't sense the Spirit's groanings for me (verse 26). I pray that He will groan for me, but i don't have the words or the one on one with God that i used to know. Last night we had a prayer walk at our church and i felt guilty that i pray for myself so much and not enough for others. I think that happens to a lot of people. We get so wrapped up in our own problems. My Mom says we could have it so much worse, but i think that it would be easier for me if my problems were something tangible like cancer or homelessness or starvation. What i have is an overwhelming desire to serve God, and overwhelming heartache for the world in its sinful state, and i don't have the slightest idea how to help / serve / act. So many people are ignoring the problems that are staring them in the face. I don't have that luxury.

At the end of the summer i plan to go to school full time, audition for fall productions, and snowboard as soon as snow allows. I don't know if i will audition for American Idol. I don't know if i will have workstudy in the costume shop. I don't know if i'm doing God's will. I don't know anything. I want to go to Biola next year but maybe i should have aimed for this year. It's so much money and seems impossible. Everything seems impossible. I know that nothing is impossible with God but i'm still waiting and wondering how He's going to get me through this. I don't know how to act, to do. I'm just trying to get through this. I know i'm not doing it with very much grace, but i just want to be like Him. I hope that makes sense.

It's funny how God brings many things together to bring one thing into focus. Like how much i love my sisters and brother and how i should act towards them. I've always known instinctively (my conscience guided me when i was growing up) but now it's different. I remember a time when i agreed with Cain: "am I my brother's keeper?" And then i saw SpyKids and Machete says "Look how <Cain and Abel> turned out." And Carmen points out (rightly so) that family is supposed to take care of each other. Only its clear the entire movie that she hasn't been taking care of Juni at all even though she claims she is.

I've been thinking about this because of something i said to my mother today and some of the stuff i read cleaning out my old e-mail drafts. Mom's been stressed a lot lately. This weekend i said something to her that, while it was true, was needlessly harsh and disrespectful. I'm sorry i said it. On the flip side of the coin two of those drafts were letters to my sister Megan during a time when she had hurt me very much and i was trying to patch things up. I don't think about what happened back then any more. I forgot it. I don't know if i forgave her as much as i let it go. Megan and i are getting along great now, in fact every time there's a birthday or Christmas we buy each other too much.

I'm falling apart. I've felt that way for a long time, but now i don't feel it anymore, i just see it. I don't know how to fight anymore, to feel the pain. Everywhere i look i see... the sky is falling (for lack of a better term). The Church isn't doing what needs to be done, America as i know it is falling apart, and i feel helpless to change anything. I've always known that: i know that i'm nothing, that God is everything. I wish i could relate that, i cannot say it strongly enough. And my view of the world now: i don't know if it's true or if Satan and/or his minions are lying to me. I know there's a battle going on around me, but how bad is it? Am i starting to see it again? I know that God is the ultimate victor, but will he be the victor here in the U.S., in my lifetime?

I'm starting to lose hope of that. It's such a pipe dream that America will ever return to God. Last time i listened to Sean Hannity--it was weeks ago--he was talking about this chip that they've changed the name of so people won't realize it's the same offensive thing with upgrades. This chip can be planted in your skin. It has a GPS tracker in it so if your kid is kidnapped you can track your kid. I'm sure it's probably the same chip that can be used in place of credit cards and can carry your medical history. They're currently trying to find a way to make the chip permanent so no one can remove it. Sean was really upset about this (understandably so): so am i. He said to one caller (a mother who was ready to sign up): so they put this chip in your kid and your kidnapped... now these kidnappers are going to be cutting something out of your kid. I know this is the mark of the beast: it's not alarmist, it fits the description. Parents will put it in their kids foreheads so their hands won't get chopped off. Designers will make the chip impossible to be removed so kidnappers won't mutilate the faces of children. Lots of people will get one. Perfectly reasonable.

I don't know if this blog will ever help make a difference against something as big as that. I know it can't on my own power. But God has been so still in my life that i wonder if i'm doing the right thing. I'm still impatient. I know he's working in my life: i can't feel him, but i can see the effects of it. But my grades in college aren't as high as i feel they should be (and i really tried hard last semester). Acting doesn't come easy to me like it used to. And writing: even when i want to write something i can't because i don't have the words or i don't have the time. Everything feels hopeless, and like i'm letting Him down, but i don't know how to fight harder or do more. I just don't. It's like i'm in quicksand: the more i struggle, the more stuck i become, and i need to relax and let someone pull me out.

But how long will i have to wait? I'm tired of waiting. I've been waiting for over six years! It feels like a waste. God's trying to teach me something, but what is it? What's so important that my ministries should be put on hold for six years? It feels like a waste and i'm ashamed that i feel that way. My old Sunday School teacher (who finally talked to me for the first time yesterday, acting as if nothing had ever happened) would have me believe that i'm not doing anything, that what i'm trying to do is worthless. I can't believe that. I will never believe that unless God tells me that. And so i still don't know what to do.

changes

I borrowed my Mom's Casting Crown's CD last week and was blown away by the lyrics. It was surprising to me that i already knew about half the album. I knew they toured with Steven Curtis Chapman, so i figured they'd be good, but they're really good. They've got awesome lyrics.

I went to the Democratic, Republican, and Libertarian websites last night and read the party platforms. At least, i tried to read them. The Dems and Reps platforms were both full of, er, trash, and didn't actually say much of anything. The language was impossible to read. The Libertarian site was much more informative and understandable. I was and wasn't surprised to find that i really agreed a lot with what the Libs platform and site said. I'm not saying that i'm ready to change parties or anything, but i'd say that i agreed with the content on the Libs site more than the Reps and found the Dems junk just as offensive as i imagined.

I don't hate Democrats. I just feel like the leadership is misguided and scared and their constituents are misguided and underinformed. Everyone else can believe whatever they want to believe... which is i guess the main reason that i seem to be a closet libertarian and i didn't even know it. Libertarians are more conservative and liberal than Republicans at the same time. They just sound a lot like me is all. Who i've become.

My idea of what an American is has been changing. I don't think that Congress or the courts or schools or even the president can solve all our problems. I'm starting to believe that the fact that they're trying so hard to is most of the problem. And the Church... well i'm pretty upset with it as a whole, too. I think that's a big reason for me reading and writing about Harry Potter. I just don't feel like we should be trying to force our beliefs on people. Such as homosexuality. I am 100% against homosexuality morally, but politically i don't think it's my place or anyone else's (least of all the government) to tell homosexuals to stop, that they can't get married, etc. To me, America is freedom: freedom from, freedom to. It's the Church's job to love homosexuals and witness to them. Not try to change them, because we can't: only God can. We're not doing enough of that.

I'm really worried about this country and the church.

life... such as it is ~ NSU post #27

I know i've been silent of late and it pains me. I have been so insanely busy with school, church, and family obligations that i feel overwhelmed. There is little time for me to get online and when i do i usually don't have time to write here (i need to be doing an assignment, etc.).

Life is still hard. I keep thinking that it's going to get better, and in some ways it has, but then it just gets bad again. In Sunday School my teacher has constantly been on my back. Ever since i moved back it's seemed like he was more intent on judging me than teaching me. I would come each week, expecting to be blessed, and come away disappointed. He was my S.S. teacher for a while in high school, i know that he's got the gift if he'll only use it, but for some reason the teacher that he was--the man who was so passionate about Jesus and so knowledgable about the Word (despite the short length of his walk with God) that it blew me away--is gone.

About a month ago we had a big argument in front of my sister and a guy who had been coming to the class less than a month. It turns out that he blames me for the fact that the class is small (i've been chasing everyone away apparently despite the fact that there has been about five people besides me in that class since i've moved back and they all had obvious reasons for not continuing to come), he's apparently been holding a grudge against me since high school (centered on the fact that i "can only feel God on the deck of a Star Wars ship"... a total twisting of my words), and he basically said in no uncertain terms that i'm not wanted in his class and what i'm doing to witness is not enough (my blogs are worthless... even though i don't think he's ever read a word of my writing).

I started going to my Mom's S.S. class. It's since tripled in size. My sis won't be going back to his class. The new guy kept coming for two weeks but i don't think he was there last week.

The thing that bothers me the most is that i've rooted for him in the past when others were attacking him. He's been doing little things that have bothered me ever since i've moved back and i've simply forgiven and forgotten (they all came rushing back over the next twenty-four hours). But he apparently thinks that because he's really into evangelism then i have to be, too. He expects me to use time i don't have, resources i've never heard of, and a gift that God didn't give me, to bring people to the Lord. I am not into handing out tracts; i have to take the time to build a relationship with people to witness to them one on one. Cramming God's Word down complete strangers' throats just doesn't work for me. Believe me, i'm up front about my faith, everyone knows i'm a Christian, that doesn't mean that i need to offend people by trying to force them to see things my way (Jesus is already offensive enough as it is).

Another thing that he's all over me about is cursing. See, i mistakenly admitted to him (on a week where i thought we were actually having a good dialogue and it was just the two of us) that i have been indecisive about what to think about swearing in the past. So now he assumes that i cuss all the time and is holding it over my head (he's also accusing me of "changing stories" in the middle of said class). The truth is that i learned how to curse from Christians, i don't approve of Christians cursing (or anyone for that matter), and i try not to do it myself but i'm only human and sometimes i just don't have any other words for how much my life stinks. I don't swear in public and i'm trying to stop entirely but yes, i curse from time to time in private. But what business is that of his? He is not an accountability partner; he's supposed to be teaching me what God's Word says, not judging me on whether or not i'm following the Bible to the letter.

If he wanted to confront me about something that i've done to offend him then he should have done it in private per Matthew 18:15-17. I wouldn't have minded if he wanted his wife to be there when it happened, but he shouldn't have attacked me in front of two other people and then totally ignored what they thought when i tried to ask them their opinion. He just totally changed the subject and charged ahead on whatever phantom sins that i have made.

He tried to quote a verse about hating "people" being as good as murder and when we looked it up it's about hating other Christians (1 John 4:20)! He's trying to show me the error of my ways or something and in the process totally takes a verse out of context. He then switches tactics and accuses me of loving Harry Potter more than the Bible when i mention how some Christians are judging Rowling because that's how i know that verse. But to say that i don't love my Bible is a false assumption. I'm an AWANA leader (and AWANA is all about memorizing verses) and the Bible is my sword: why would i not love and rely on the Bible? But i suppose that AWANA is just another ministry that doesn't count because he was upset about my explaining what AWANA stands for before a class started over six months ago (it comes from 2 Timothy 2:15).

The thing is, i've been all about 1 Timothy 4:12 and not letting anyone look down on / judge / lie about me for a long time. I've gotten attacked a lot over the past few years, so right now i'm overdefensive: it didn't help when he attacked me in front of a stranger and lied about me to my face then to the pastor the next day. In class i made a fool of myself because no matter what i said only made it worse. He didn't want to hear the truth. He could only see the lies.

I'm tired of fighting Christians about actions that i've taken that were in line with what Scripture teaches. I could fight from here to eternity because you know what? I was a goodie-two-shoes. No one could find dirt on me, i had all my bases covered, i was the "perfect" Christian. But do you know what i discovered? I wasn't being genuine. For the first time in my life i'm being real and letting myself be human and fallible and they start accusing me, the one with the spotless record.

I try so hard to serve God in every area of my life, with every breath, but i've also decided to stop relying on myself and trust God instead. So what happens when people start attacking me? I try to defend myself because i'm perfect, remember? Their accusations are baseless and lies. But i make a fool of myself when i stand up for myself. I get angry and tell the truth but i hurt people when i do it. I'm brutally honest because that's all i know how to be. The truth hurts and i know it.

But at the same time i'm trying to tell people that i'm innocent when i know i'm not... It's not that i'm guilty of what they're accusing me of, but i'm far from sinless. I listened to what other people told me to do for far too long and i'm still reaping the consequences. I still have no idea what God wants me to do with my life in the here and now: i'm stumbling in the dark, crying out to Him, and it's clear even in the dark that i'm far from perfect. I try to be like Him but i'm not. I know that i'm "better" than a lot of people but i also know that i'm nothing without Him. i know that the reason i'm not a junkie unwed mother or something worse is because God made sure that i knew Him from the beginning or my life. All that i am is who He made me. And i know i've let Him down so many times but every single day i get up and try to do whatever it is that He wants me to do whatever that is.

So i take offense when someone accuses me of not following God because that's all i'm about. Every day is a sacrifice of worship and love and blood and tears. He gave everything for me so i have to give Him everything back and i know it still won't be enough. "But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair" (Reliant K, Be My Escape).

One of the things my teacher was so upset about was that the week before he had said that Mormons own Coke and i said "no, Pepsi" and he says that we fought for over five minutes when in reality it was like half a minute. I don't know who owns Pepsi and i don't really care. I've believed since junior high that it was Pepsi and i love Coke but as he says "it doesn't matter" (which makes me wonder why he made such a big deal about it). It just got me thinking... If someone said that Jesus turned the water to beer (instead of wine) at that wedding would he say "it doesn't matter?" I'm a firm believer that Christians shouldn't be lying no matter how inconsequential they think the subject is. Now i know that my family is majorly overconcerned with being 100% right 100% of the time, and i admitted to that to him, and i am trying to not be that way, but if it is Pepsi and not Coke... Sure, it's not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but does that make it okay for him or me or anyone to lie about it?

I don't know which way it was but he lied about me to my face and insulted not only my sister but the newest member of the class. He didn't care about resolving the situation or discussing any problems that he had with me, he wanted to put me in my place as it were and it had to be his place. And i'm not into that. I believe what my Bible says and nothing else. I will do what God tells me to do and no one else.

I reached out to him months ago and he ignored me and now he spits in my face so i guess my question is what do i do? I really want to know. I tried to write a letter but i couldn't send it because it was too ugly. He was so wrong in what he did that i can't write a letter in love without it being just as awful as what he did to me. I don't want to face him ever again because he hurt me. I had to sing in the service that Sunday and when i got up to leave he accused me of running away when i had just spent half an hour trying to reason with him. He didn't want to hear the truth. My life doesn't revolve around him.

It was hard for me to focus on God for a couple of days after this happened, all i could see was the dark. I performed beautifully i've been told, but all i could think of was all the ugly things he said and i replied with in like. My life is still a struggle each day. I need a job but can't find one. I am overwhelmed with schoolwork and church and the myriad of obstacles that i have to face each day. Despite it all i know that i still believe God. It was amazing when i was recently updated my How to become a Christian page how much i still know that every word that i wrote on that page is absolutely true. After all i've been through i'm still enough of a fool to have faith in everything God's told me.

About the "Star Wars deck" comment... I trusted this teacher completely. In H.S. i confessed to him that i believe that God has promised me that i'll be on Star Trek someday and at the time i wondered if i wouldn't be able to feel the Holy Spirit again until that promise has been fulfilled. It astounds me how much he took that simple statement of faith out of context. He heard "I'll never feel him unless he does things my way;" i said "i still believe that God will keep His promise and someday soon i'll be able to feel/hear Him again." Even in my darkest years (yes, it's been six years now) and when i am doubting Him i cannot help but have faith in the deepest part of me. Sometimes i hate it, but it's still true.

All i was is His, all i am is His, all i ever will be is His, no matter where He takes me. I'm tired of repeating myself but i can't shut up about it: i can't.

Symptoms # 3, 4, 5 ~ NSU post #14

I have been working on this post for over a month now. I've delayed writing about symptom #3 in particular because a) i've been incredibly busy with college and b) i am of two minds on this subject. This is the first time i've found it difficult to reconcile my faith and my patriotism because the symptom that i am about to write about first has become prevalent in this country (particularly in my lifetime) and while it goes against my faith i'm not entirely sure it goes against my politics. Strangely enough this issue is being largely ignored in the current election (probably because it is so controversial). I cannot fully communicate how very strongly i feel that if all of the issues that i am writing about here; if they are not dealt with very soon then this could well be the death of this country if not its inhabitants.

Symptom #3 = Homosexuality

There is no question in my mind that homosexuality is wrong: this is evident in the Bible in such verses as Romans 1:26-27, 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, and Leviticus 18:22. Not only is homosexuality morally wrong but it is also psychologically damaging (i have read of studies and accounts of former homosexuals that confirm this). Over the past year i have had to ask myself: am i for the Federal Marriage Amendment? At first i said yes, then no, and now i don't really know what to say.

This country is based on freedom, and though that freedom was designed and meant to be for the Christian faith it was also freedom to have any faith (whether one be buddhist, jew, muslim, new age, pagan, wiccan, atheist, or agnostic, just to name a few). We all know how Prohibition went; it failed miserably (telling any American they can't do something is like sounding the starting gun). As much as i'd love for America to truly become a Christian nation i am against any persecution of religious, political, or scientific beliefs as well as any moderation or censorship of free speech. If someone else's freedoms have been taken away then mine can be taken away just as easily.

What then shall we do? Sure, i would like gay marriage to be made illegal, but i knew that with the current state of our legistlative and judicial system that it would not happen. Even if Congress had passed the Federal Marriage Amendment, judges would probably not have upheld their legislative decision. At the current moment our judicial system is bankrupt morally but it cannot be changed for the better because the Democrats in Congress will not allow any of President Bush's nominees to fill the empty positions that are currently a void in the fabric of our government.

And again, should such a law be passed? Though the FMA is morally right i believe that it may be unconstitutional and that it would surely alienate more of this nations inhabitants than Christians already have and do. Homosexuality would go the way of prohibition and become yet more prevalent, not the other way around.

Which leaves us with a dangerous choice... What can we do that will not destroy our nation? For even if this issue does not tear We the People apart i know that if our inhabitants continue to live in this sin we will surely be destroyed (as Sodom and Gomorrah were in Genesis 18:16-19:29). The time of Christ's return draws near, i can feel this in my very being. I have known for as long as i can remember that He will return within my lifetime (i have no fear of death) and that time is running out. Biblical prophecy tells me that the United States will be destroyed in a (Super)natural disaster and its inhabitants will either perish or there will be another Great Awakening thus allowing the majority of Americans to be saved/born again and rise to meet Him in the air (Revelation 8:6-13 and 1 Thessalonians 4:17). And so i have come to the conclusion that like with so many other issues the government cannot regulate this epidemic by political means: only the Truth, the Way, and the Life can save them and thus change their thinking and hearts.

Who then will go and tell them? And if/when one goes will their hearts not be hardened? (Isaiah 6) I cry out "Here am i, Lord, send me!" but who will listen to me? How then will i go and to where? I feel as if i am in a cage with my hands tied. Does even one read what i am reading here and care? Does anything i say or do make a difference?

Symptom #4 = the Children (Education and their Future)

Several weekends ago i attended an AWANA Leadership Training Conference. Most of the day was spent detailing that which i already know: that today's children do not know the Truth and that the Church as a whole is ignoring a great need. A child's moral foundation is set by the time they are thirteen; if they do not become Christians before that time they are unlikely to ever be saved (though it is not impossible). Sadly many children do not know that the Bible is true, nor do they know its content (even if they have attended Sunday School, the Bible stories are often watered down or changed to be less offensive or "more understandable"). A few years ago one of the youth leaders in my church got in trouble for teaching a lesson against homosexuality... Why is this?

At my church the Christian school is more important than AWANA, Sunday school is more important than AWANA, the youth group is more important than AWANA, the adult bible studies are more important than AWANA. The church as a whole is deemed more important than the children, yet the children our are future and AWANA may be the one thing that equips these children to live their lives for God in a sinful world because it doesn't water down the message: it makes sure they understand it. The first verses a clubber memorizes present the plan of salvation and a child usually hears the same message outlined in Council Time by the time they've attended the club twice (if not the first time).

Since our club started up again for the year it has been attacked on every side from within the church itself. Satan knows that the church is greatly set behind if the Way, the Truth, and the Life is kept from the ears and hearts of this nation's children, of any nation's children. For instance in Cuba missionaries are allowed to come into the country for a short time to bring in relief and medicines, etc., even witness, but they are not allowed to bring in any children's Bible study material because TPTB know that it is the children who are the most likely to be converted.

Satan is attacking our children before our very eyes...

Today's education system is in shambles. There are multiple studies that prove that homeschooling is the most effective form of educating a child (followed by charter schools and Christian schools). I know firsthand how ineffective the public school system is and the problems are only getting worse. There are second graders who still don't know how to read (i've met some) and i've heard of high schoolers graduating illiterate. Classes are too large and are geared towards the slow students. The system tries to dump information into a child's head just long enough for them to pass their tests instead of actually teaching anything that's important.

I know there are good teachers out there who care about their students (i've had a few) but the simple truth is that the system does not work. It cannot be fixed. The only reason it worked so well for so long was because God was in it and as we all know that prayer and the Bible were taken out of schools over forty years ago. More than this, children's shows, cartoons, and games, are now filled with violent imagery. Not all of them know that the things they do in play are not acceptable in real life because, again, no one is teaching them the truth. Just like with the issue of homosexuality i do not believe this symptom can be treated by legisltaion: we must reach the hearts of the children or things will only get worse.

Symptom #5 = Hardened Hearts, Itching Ears

There is no doubt in my mind that so many Americans today have Hardened Hearts and Itching Ears. Most Christians sporadically attend churches where the Pastor teaches them what they want to hear. Sadly there aren't enough ministers who are actually preaching anything of spiritual importance. They seem content to forcefeed us milk instead of challenging us with meat. I grow weary in my church and wonder if perhaps the problem lies in me as much as it lies with them. I do not know what to do but pray.

I know that i am probably watching and reading things that i shouldn't be. I can see God in them, He can use them in my life, but i don't think He wants me dwelling on them. I have seen God work in the most incredible ways. I want him to be free to use anything in my life to change me, i want my heart to be pliable for him. But i know that Satan is constantly whispering lies into my ears. He is attacking all of us. Will we listen to him, give in, or will we listen to God and allow Him to use us in the growing dark?

There are no easy answers. I "know" that i can't make a difference on my own, but i know that God can use me to make a difference. I pray 2 Chronicles 7:14: "Then if My people who are called by My name will humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and heal their land." I cannot fully relate the gravity of this situation, the need, only God can speak through me.

Does anyone hear?