observations on going back to church

i should be working on homework, but i really, really don't feel like it.

i went to church last week for probably the first time since i started working full time. i chose to go to Canyon View again because i don't know where else to go, what time services start at other churches, etc. The first two songs i did not know but was appalled by how no one seemed to be singing them while i was trying to sing along. The music was not as good as usual: i don't like how there doesn't seem to be a predominant melody on stage, everyone is singing harmony or a descant. But it actually felt good to be back in church, and i think i know why.

i have been extremely let down by my recent church-going experiences. Music is definitely an important part of the experience, but more importantly to me i have expected to be fed by a message from the Word. Though the pastor at my parents' church harps on and on about the Word of God being infallible, all-important, he does not practice what he preaches. He takes his sermons from other ministers, not even taking the time to verify that what they teach is even Scripturally sound. There was one week where he said that Jesus' feet being annointed was the same time as his head being annointed (in events leading up to the crucifixion) when upon five minutes of searching it is clear that in one gospel that one happens directly before Palm Sunday, the other event just after Palm Sunday. Even further, i was finding it exceedingly depressing to go to church or read my Bible when nearly everything that i was hearing screamed out to me within: "Yes, i've done this, i know this, i've always persevered to follow this, so why is my life so horrible instead of the way He promises?"

And this week i realized... i've been looking for a church where i can get the most out of the experience. My entire life i've been part of the 10% that does 90% of the work, since before anyone (save maybe my parents) thought i was old enough to give at all, and i'm tired. i never really understood why it bothered me so much, but i've seen this same attitude for years in the lives of senior citizens and always felt betrayed by their presumption that they should not have to do any work any more, and how they always complained about it. And then i see this same pattern in me, i've burned out after only twenty-some years, how long did they serve? i feel ashamed. And i realized that usually i am refilled by serving at AWANA because i go expecting to give, not receive.

So on Sunday i did not go expecting to receive, but to give. To give what? All that i feel i can give right now, worship, and faith, and hope, and devotion. Those are all very hard for me now, are all sacrifices. i guess they always were, but they always felt easy before, and now i have this nagging voice screaming at me: "God always takes away your dreams, the things that bring you joy, and He always will..." That's what i'm so afraid of. None of my dreams have ever come to fruition, they're always torn apart, corrupted, taken away unfulfilled. i'm so scared that i'll never fall in love, get married, have children, write anything publishable, work in the film industry, do anything to justify my existence and the pain on the path i embraced. How do i keep trusting God with this overwhelming fear? i gave Him everything, only to have my heart broken, how do i continue to give Him everything? How do i continue to trust Him with abandon? i have for so long, and i'm still waiting, i'm still wondering how i got through the past seven+ years and still have not learned patience. i need patience. But i'm still too impatient to develop it.

i want to be delivered now, that's what i've always wanted. i never thought it would hurt too much for the end to justify what i've been through to get there, but now i'm not so sure. And the question i have to ask myself is can i forgive God, love God, serve God, even if He doesn't fulfill His promises? i don't know how to live apart from Him, let alone turn my back on Him, but how am i supposed to say "yes, Lord, yes, Lord, yes yes, Lord, amen," when it hurts so much?

People act like i am depressed, that i should cheer up, but that's not how i feel. i have embraced the chaos, accepted that i must go through to go forward and get out, that God has a plan, even in this overwhelming pressing darkness, and i know that i am only being realistic. How can one survive without God? When His face and voice and touch and love are hidden? How does one push past the overwhelming fear and continue to reach out to Him when all hope is lost? i cannot reach Him, He must reach me, how do i keep reaching? i cannot find my way out when i did not come here myself, i was dropped here, blindfolded, and all is alien. There is no door, there is no window, i am caged.

And then sometimes i realize that i must be held in the palm of His hand like in Isaiah, held so tightly that an imprint is left. But i do not feel Him, i am not always so optimistic. What must He be shielding me from?...