vacation and musings

Last week was such a roller coaster for me. i don't know why, but for some reason it seemed very important to me to be able to go to Aunt Polly's wedding in California. i couldn't get time off work and i couldn't find a cheap flight that allowed for my scheduling needs, so i thought i wouldn't be able to go. i cried so hard. And then i went to work and at the last minute found a cheap flight online, for $260, as opposed to the $800-1200 flights i had found previously. i had to borrow my Grandma's credit card because they wouldn't take my debit card, and i had to drive to Denver, but i made it to the wedding.

The whole time in California i felt as if a weight had been lifted off me. i saw how far i was from where i want my life to be but i felt at peace. As soon as i got back to Grand Junction i felt the weight of the world again, but for one weekend it was bliss. i barely made it to work that night due to snow, and i still have to make up a test at college, but it was so worth it. Everything doesn't seem so impossible anymore.

i don't think i can stay in Grand Junction anymore. i don't feel like i truly belong at Mesa State or at KJ. It's not that i dislike my job, but school is boring me again, and i'm not really working towards the goals that i think God has for me. While waiting to board my flight home a woman in line struck up a conversation with me; when she heard i attended Mesa State she also turned out to be from Grand Junction, wanted to know my major and plans for life, and told me she has a daughter who went to an accelerated film school in Florida that i had heard of before. This entire trip reaffirmed for me how much i want to change my life before it's too late and so i don't end up being unhappy. And when i got back to class my professor who had flipped out about me missing that test wasn't upset anymore: he even told me in passing what i've always believed... all you need to do to learn how to become a good writer is read.

i have been casting about for my place in the world here, aimlessly searching for the place God has for me, and i don't feel at home here. i love my family so much, and i've even come to find beauty in the landscape that surrounds me, but i am not a Coloradan.

i think that the next couple of months will be a transition for me, i believe that God is going to lead me to where He wants me. Right now i am overwhelmed with my workload coupled with school. If i only had one or the other things would be fine, but i don't think that God wants me to be fine here. i think He wants to bless me beyond measure somewhere else. i hope He keeps showing me His will.