Saw it again Sunday and noticed a lot more details. Ewan McGregor is the bomb; he's still one of my favorite actors. I loved Padme's outfit in the choking scene but her hair really bothered me this film (like when it was in big curls and down and looked like it was shoulder length from the front). Yoda having to teach Obi-Wan how to talk with Qui-Gonn was corny (this is one of the things that bothered me before but i forgot to mention)... who taught Luke? The Emperor is really disgusting in this film and his lies are really see through: i don't get all the angst on Anakin's part or why he was deceived so easily. I still hate when he explodes everything, breaks free, and screams "NO!!!" at the end (as Darth Vader): it would have been much more effective if he fell to his knees or something, overcome with grief and pain. But of course the Emperor wanted him to be angry (at whom though? himself?).
Star Wars was great when i was growing and still amuses me to a point but i'm beginning to get tired of some of the stuff others already hated. Ep. 3 left me feeling largely disastisfied: it was good, but not great. I still can't get over what GL did to Padme, either.
Showing posts with label star wars. Show all posts
Showing posts with label star wars. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Star Wars III - Revenge of the Sith
Contains Spoilers: you have been warned.
Yes, i went to a midnight viewing. I'm a night owl, and i had never done it for a Star Wars film before, so i felt that it was now or never. I wasn't overly excited to be getting in: in fact it was rather surreal that it's here already. What stunk was that i was in screen #3 and they made us wait like an hour to be seated after the first two screens because they were digital and we weren't. They were worried that screen three would try to sneak in, which was ludicrous because screens one and two were full and we liked the fact that we weren't and the sound stinks so much in every screen of this theater that it doesn't matter if you have digital or not. The manager is a jerk (i remember him from three years ago and he's still a jerk) who liked to yell that they were only taking tickets for screen 1 + 2 every ten minutes, then stand around looking cranky doing nothing. He could have been taking tickets at the doors instead and avoided the whole fiasco, because the people in the first two screens weren't about to stay seated in their auditorium: they freely went in and out even after they finally let us in. They should have been more worried that people would be sneaking into screen 3, it would have made more sense.
Back to the movie. Overall i thought it was good. Some of the voices were needlessly corny, notably one of the droids on Grievous' bridge who i felt should have had more authority in his voice. Palpatine eagerly watching Ani fight Dooku and then egging him into beheading him were overly obvious and corny: i mean, the fact that he orders Ani to leave Obi Wan is a big deal. The whole film you can tell that he doesn't care if he's discovered anymore and i don't understand why any of his overtures to Ani are accepted. Ironically enough, Padme didn't have any trouble in childbirth that warranted dark side intervention and Palpatine certainly didn't help her in the slightest.
Anakin seemed to be finally turning around and leaving behind the angry boy who was so full of himself. I guess what he really gave into was his fear of losing Padme, but then he went and nearly killed her. It didn't make any sense.
Yoda visiting Chewbacca (Chewbacca in particular) seemed needless to me. I really liked seeing the Wookies in battle, but felt like the Cloners were overly focused on in that battle. The battle could have happened anywhere: Chewbacca was hardly in it.
Yoda was awesome per usual. "Not if anything to say about it I have." I enjoyed some random guy's comment at one point during his duel with Sidious: "Yoda is a bad a$$." I'm not sure why Yoda retreated when he did, and it certainly didn't make any sense for him to turn on a homing beacon for two seconds, then jump into his escape speeder (ready and waiting) and forget to turn it off.
Obi-Wan was very agreeable to me. I've always loved Ewan's portrayal of him and he did especially well this time around. Less whining, more respect (towards Ani). His not wanting to believe that Ani would do something like that and not wanting to fight him was really nice to see after his attitude about Vader during conversations with Luke in the original trilogy.
My biggest beef with this movie if Padme. I feel that Lucas really did her and Natalie Portman a disservice. Padme was constantly whining and crying and often times there was no discernable reason why. Okay, i get that she wouldn't want to believe that Ani had turned, but after it happened... The Padme i know would never crumble and give up the will to live, especially when she's been "bless"ed with a pregnancy! Leia spoke of her memories of her mother in Return of the Jedi: she was "beautiful" and "very sad." So Leia has memories of her mother from moments after being born? All her mother said was "There's good in him, I know it" and gave up the ghost. That's not the Padme i know, who fights against unbeatable odds, who keeps fighting even when there is no hope and comes out the winner in the end. Yeah, i don't like what Lucas did to her.
I don't know how many stars to give this film. As a fan of action movies with fight scenes i liked it. As a fan of epics with true love... it fell short. It's hard to say whether it was as good or better than any of the films. Less annoying Jar Jar and C-3PO (why did they give C-3PO a memory wipe, anyway? he didn't seem to understand what was happening to Ani in the first place), more annoying Grievous (though he did fight well). Maybe i'll feel better about it next time around.
Yes, i went to a midnight viewing. I'm a night owl, and i had never done it for a Star Wars film before, so i felt that it was now or never. I wasn't overly excited to be getting in: in fact it was rather surreal that it's here already. What stunk was that i was in screen #3 and they made us wait like an hour to be seated after the first two screens because they were digital and we weren't. They were worried that screen three would try to sneak in, which was ludicrous because screens one and two were full and we liked the fact that we weren't and the sound stinks so much in every screen of this theater that it doesn't matter if you have digital or not. The manager is a jerk (i remember him from three years ago and he's still a jerk) who liked to yell that they were only taking tickets for screen 1 + 2 every ten minutes, then stand around looking cranky doing nothing. He could have been taking tickets at the doors instead and avoided the whole fiasco, because the people in the first two screens weren't about to stay seated in their auditorium: they freely went in and out even after they finally let us in. They should have been more worried that people would be sneaking into screen 3, it would have made more sense.
Back to the movie. Overall i thought it was good. Some of the voices were needlessly corny, notably one of the droids on Grievous' bridge who i felt should have had more authority in his voice. Palpatine eagerly watching Ani fight Dooku and then egging him into beheading him were overly obvious and corny: i mean, the fact that he orders Ani to leave Obi Wan is a big deal. The whole film you can tell that he doesn't care if he's discovered anymore and i don't understand why any of his overtures to Ani are accepted. Ironically enough, Padme didn't have any trouble in childbirth that warranted dark side intervention and Palpatine certainly didn't help her in the slightest.
Anakin seemed to be finally turning around and leaving behind the angry boy who was so full of himself. I guess what he really gave into was his fear of losing Padme, but then he went and nearly killed her. It didn't make any sense.
Yoda visiting Chewbacca (Chewbacca in particular) seemed needless to me. I really liked seeing the Wookies in battle, but felt like the Cloners were overly focused on in that battle. The battle could have happened anywhere: Chewbacca was hardly in it.
Yoda was awesome per usual. "Not if anything to say about it I have." I enjoyed some random guy's comment at one point during his duel with Sidious: "Yoda is a bad a$$." I'm not sure why Yoda retreated when he did, and it certainly didn't make any sense for him to turn on a homing beacon for two seconds, then jump into his escape speeder (ready and waiting) and forget to turn it off.
Obi-Wan was very agreeable to me. I've always loved Ewan's portrayal of him and he did especially well this time around. Less whining, more respect (towards Ani). His not wanting to believe that Ani would do something like that and not wanting to fight him was really nice to see after his attitude about Vader during conversations with Luke in the original trilogy.
My biggest beef with this movie if Padme. I feel that Lucas really did her and Natalie Portman a disservice. Padme was constantly whining and crying and often times there was no discernable reason why. Okay, i get that she wouldn't want to believe that Ani had turned, but after it happened... The Padme i know would never crumble and give up the will to live, especially when she's been "bless"ed with a pregnancy! Leia spoke of her memories of her mother in Return of the Jedi: she was "beautiful" and "very sad." So Leia has memories of her mother from moments after being born? All her mother said was "There's good in him, I know it" and gave up the ghost. That's not the Padme i know, who fights against unbeatable odds, who keeps fighting even when there is no hope and comes out the winner in the end. Yeah, i don't like what Lucas did to her.
I don't know how many stars to give this film. As a fan of action movies with fight scenes i liked it. As a fan of epics with true love... it fell short. It's hard to say whether it was as good or better than any of the films. Less annoying Jar Jar and C-3PO (why did they give C-3PO a memory wipe, anyway? he didn't seem to understand what was happening to Ani in the first place), more annoying Grievous (though he did fight well). Maybe i'll feel better about it next time around.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
silence doesn't mean i don't care ~ NSU post #29
I wish i could write here more. I have been so busy with school and so overwhelmed that i feel like i'm being pulled apart at the seems. I'll try to give a little update:
My ex-teacher still won't talk to me; i now have a mentor who says that he should be the one to initiate anything but he doesn't. It's his fault and his problem. I've tried to let go of it but it's hard. My parents class (which i have been attending) has been growing and thriving. I've heard rumors that his class has been, too.
Allergies have been bad for me this year. I sang in the Easter "Musical" at church (it was more like a contata with narration) and a concert with the Women's Chorus at school. WC has another concert in two weeks where we sing Stabat Mater and other music.
I had two midterms last week and a research paper that i didn't have enough time to do. Our teacher moved back the due date, which has put some pressure off, but our final paper is going to be killer trying to get out because of it. I don't know how i'm going to get everything done.
I haven't had time for a job so it's just as well that i haven't found one. Except for the fact that my father (who once said that if i went to college i wouldn't have to work) now is pressuring me to find a job. I do not have the time and i know i couldn't deal with the stress if it was a bad work environment like most of the jobs i've had.
I want to go to school in Hawai'i next year but it would cost a lot more. I don't know if i should stay here. I know i can't go to Biola this year and am worried about letters of recommendation when/if i finally apply there again.
I've been driving my parents car for months because i can't get the title for my car... not that i have the money to pay for that or plates or insurance.
I babysit for a family friend one-four times a month and only charge her $20 for an overnight stay. I know she thinks that's a lot but i know that in high school the going rate for someone my age to babysit was $16-24 an hour.
Snowboarding is over and my body has been bleah since but i don't know how to find the time to go to the gym.
I have been very overwhelmed. I alternate between being mad at God and putting my trust fully in Him. I don't know how to get through each day and am surprised at the end of each day. I'm not thriving, i'm barely getting by, and i don't know how to change that. Part of this is that i can't write here or work on my website.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince comes out July 16th and i'm getting excited. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire will be in theaters in November (it's my favorite book of the series so i'm apprehensive and wonder if they can do it justice with 2 1/2 hours).
Star Wars episode three comes out right after my sister's birthday. Her baby is due in July and her husband will be going to Korea for a year (alone). She's been pretty stressed lately herself.
I'm still here in the dark, waiting, trying to tell myself that just because God has been silent doesn't mean He doesn't care.
My ex-teacher still won't talk to me; i now have a mentor who says that he should be the one to initiate anything but he doesn't. It's his fault and his problem. I've tried to let go of it but it's hard. My parents class (which i have been attending) has been growing and thriving. I've heard rumors that his class has been, too.
Allergies have been bad for me this year. I sang in the Easter "Musical" at church (it was more like a contata with narration) and a concert with the Women's Chorus at school. WC has another concert in two weeks where we sing Stabat Mater and other music.
I had two midterms last week and a research paper that i didn't have enough time to do. Our teacher moved back the due date, which has put some pressure off, but our final paper is going to be killer trying to get out because of it. I don't know how i'm going to get everything done.
I haven't had time for a job so it's just as well that i haven't found one. Except for the fact that my father (who once said that if i went to college i wouldn't have to work) now is pressuring me to find a job. I do not have the time and i know i couldn't deal with the stress if it was a bad work environment like most of the jobs i've had.
I want to go to school in Hawai'i next year but it would cost a lot more. I don't know if i should stay here. I know i can't go to Biola this year and am worried about letters of recommendation when/if i finally apply there again.
I've been driving my parents car for months because i can't get the title for my car... not that i have the money to pay for that or plates or insurance.
I babysit for a family friend one-four times a month and only charge her $20 for an overnight stay. I know she thinks that's a lot but i know that in high school the going rate for someone my age to babysit was $16-24 an hour.
Snowboarding is over and my body has been bleah since but i don't know how to find the time to go to the gym.
I have been very overwhelmed. I alternate between being mad at God and putting my trust fully in Him. I don't know how to get through each day and am surprised at the end of each day. I'm not thriving, i'm barely getting by, and i don't know how to change that. Part of this is that i can't write here or work on my website.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince comes out July 16th and i'm getting excited. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire will be in theaters in November (it's my favorite book of the series so i'm apprehensive and wonder if they can do it justice with 2 1/2 hours).
Star Wars episode three comes out right after my sister's birthday. Her baby is due in July and her husband will be going to Korea for a year (alone). She's been pretty stressed lately herself.
I'm still here in the dark, waiting, trying to tell myself that just because God has been silent doesn't mean He doesn't care.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
life... such as it is ~ NSU post #27
I know i've been silent of late and it pains me. I have been so insanely busy with school, church, and family obligations that i feel overwhelmed. There is little time for me to get online and when i do i usually don't have time to write here (i need to be doing an assignment, etc.).
Life is still hard. I keep thinking that it's going to get better, and in some ways it has, but then it just gets bad again. In Sunday School my teacher has constantly been on my back. Ever since i moved back it's seemed like he was more intent on judging me than teaching me. I would come each week, expecting to be blessed, and come away disappointed. He was my S.S. teacher for a while in high school, i know that he's got the gift if he'll only use it, but for some reason the teacher that he was--the man who was so passionate about Jesus and so knowledgable about the Word (despite the short length of his walk with God) that it blew me away--is gone.
About a month ago we had a big argument in front of my sister and a guy who had been coming to the class less than a month. It turns out that he blames me for the fact that the class is small (i've been chasing everyone away apparently despite the fact that there has been about five people besides me in that class since i've moved back and they all had obvious reasons for not continuing to come), he's apparently been holding a grudge against me since high school (centered on the fact that i "can only feel God on the deck of a Star Wars ship"... a total twisting of my words), and he basically said in no uncertain terms that i'm not wanted in his class and what i'm doing to witness is not enough (my blogs are worthless... even though i don't think he's ever read a word of my writing).
I started going to my Mom's S.S. class. It's since tripled in size. My sis won't be going back to his class. The new guy kept coming for two weeks but i don't think he was there last week.
The thing that bothers me the most is that i've rooted for him in the past when others were attacking him. He's been doing little things that have bothered me ever since i've moved back and i've simply forgiven and forgotten (they all came rushing back over the next twenty-four hours). But he apparently thinks that because he's really into evangelism then i have to be, too. He expects me to use time i don't have, resources i've never heard of, and a gift that God didn't give me, to bring people to the Lord. I am not into handing out tracts; i have to take the time to build a relationship with people to witness to them one on one. Cramming God's Word down complete strangers' throats just doesn't work for me. Believe me, i'm up front about my faith, everyone knows i'm a Christian, that doesn't mean that i need to offend people by trying to force them to see things my way (Jesus is already offensive enough as it is).
Another thing that he's all over me about is cursing. See, i mistakenly admitted to him (on a week where i thought we were actually having a good dialogue and it was just the two of us) that i have been indecisive about what to think about swearing in the past. So now he assumes that i cuss all the time and is holding it over my head (he's also accusing me of "changing stories" in the middle of said class). The truth is that i learned how to curse from Christians, i don't approve of Christians cursing (or anyone for that matter), and i try not to do it myself but i'm only human and sometimes i just don't have any other words for how much my life stinks. I don't swear in public and i'm trying to stop entirely but yes, i curse from time to time in private. But what business is that of his? He is not an accountability partner; he's supposed to be teaching me what God's Word says, not judging me on whether or not i'm following the Bible to the letter.
If he wanted to confront me about something that i've done to offend him then he should have done it in private per Matthew 18:15-17. I wouldn't have minded if he wanted his wife to be there when it happened, but he shouldn't have attacked me in front of two other people and then totally ignored what they thought when i tried to ask them their opinion. He just totally changed the subject and charged ahead on whatever phantom sins that i have made.
He tried to quote a verse about hating "people" being as good as murder and when we looked it up it's about hating other Christians (1 John 4:20)! He's trying to show me the error of my ways or something and in the process totally takes a verse out of context. He then switches tactics and accuses me of loving Harry Potter more than the Bible when i mention how some Christians are judging Rowling because that's how i know that verse. But to say that i don't love my Bible is a false assumption. I'm an AWANA leader (and AWANA is all about memorizing verses) and the Bible is my sword: why would i not love and rely on the Bible? But i suppose that AWANA is just another ministry that doesn't count because he was upset about my explaining what AWANA stands for before a class started over six months ago (it comes from 2 Timothy 2:15).
The thing is, i've been all about 1 Timothy 4:12 and not letting anyone look down on / judge / lie about me for a long time. I've gotten attacked a lot over the past few years, so right now i'm overdefensive: it didn't help when he attacked me in front of a stranger and lied about me to my face then to the pastor the next day. In class i made a fool of myself because no matter what i said only made it worse. He didn't want to hear the truth. He could only see the lies.
I'm tired of fighting Christians about actions that i've taken that were in line with what Scripture teaches. I could fight from here to eternity because you know what? I was a goodie-two-shoes. No one could find dirt on me, i had all my bases covered, i was the "perfect" Christian. But do you know what i discovered? I wasn't being genuine. For the first time in my life i'm being real and letting myself be human and fallible and they start accusing me, the one with the spotless record.
I try so hard to serve God in every area of my life, with every breath, but i've also decided to stop relying on myself and trust God instead. So what happens when people start attacking me? I try to defend myself because i'm perfect, remember? Their accusations are baseless and lies. But i make a fool of myself when i stand up for myself. I get angry and tell the truth but i hurt people when i do it. I'm brutally honest because that's all i know how to be. The truth hurts and i know it.
But at the same time i'm trying to tell people that i'm innocent when i know i'm not... It's not that i'm guilty of what they're accusing me of, but i'm far from sinless. I listened to what other people told me to do for far too long and i'm still reaping the consequences. I still have no idea what God wants me to do with my life in the here and now: i'm stumbling in the dark, crying out to Him, and it's clear even in the dark that i'm far from perfect. I try to be like Him but i'm not. I know that i'm "better" than a lot of people but i also know that i'm nothing without Him. i know that the reason i'm not a junkie unwed mother or something worse is because God made sure that i knew Him from the beginning or my life. All that i am is who He made me. And i know i've let Him down so many times but every single day i get up and try to do whatever it is that He wants me to do whatever that is.
So i take offense when someone accuses me of not following God because that's all i'm about. Every day is a sacrifice of worship and love and blood and tears. He gave everything for me so i have to give Him everything back and i know it still won't be enough. "But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair" (Reliant K, Be My Escape).
One of the things my teacher was so upset about was that the week before he had said that Mormons own Coke and i said "no, Pepsi" and he says that we fought for over five minutes when in reality it was like half a minute. I don't know who owns Pepsi and i don't really care. I've believed since junior high that it was Pepsi and i love Coke but as he says "it doesn't matter" (which makes me wonder why he made such a big deal about it). It just got me thinking... If someone said that Jesus turned the water to beer (instead of wine) at that wedding would he say "it doesn't matter?" I'm a firm believer that Christians shouldn't be lying no matter how inconsequential they think the subject is. Now i know that my family is majorly overconcerned with being 100% right 100% of the time, and i admitted to that to him, and i am trying to not be that way, but if it is Pepsi and not Coke... Sure, it's not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but does that make it okay for him or me or anyone to lie about it?
I don't know which way it was but he lied about me to my face and insulted not only my sister but the newest member of the class. He didn't care about resolving the situation or discussing any problems that he had with me, he wanted to put me in my place as it were and it had to be his place. And i'm not into that. I believe what my Bible says and nothing else. I will do what God tells me to do and no one else.
I reached out to him months ago and he ignored me and now he spits in my face so i guess my question is what do i do? I really want to know. I tried to write a letter but i couldn't send it because it was too ugly. He was so wrong in what he did that i can't write a letter in love without it being just as awful as what he did to me. I don't want to face him ever again because he hurt me. I had to sing in the service that Sunday and when i got up to leave he accused me of running away when i had just spent half an hour trying to reason with him. He didn't want to hear the truth. My life doesn't revolve around him.
It was hard for me to focus on God for a couple of days after this happened, all i could see was the dark. I performed beautifully i've been told, but all i could think of was all the ugly things he said and i replied with in like. My life is still a struggle each day. I need a job but can't find one. I am overwhelmed with schoolwork and church and the myriad of obstacles that i have to face each day. Despite it all i know that i still believe God. It was amazing when i was recently updated my How to become a Christian page how much i still know that every word that i wrote on that page is absolutely true. After all i've been through i'm still enough of a fool to have faith in everything God's told me.
About the "Star Wars deck" comment... I trusted this teacher completely. In H.S. i confessed to him that i believe that God has promised me that i'll be on Star Trek someday and at the time i wondered if i wouldn't be able to feel the Holy Spirit again until that promise has been fulfilled. It astounds me how much he took that simple statement of faith out of context. He heard "I'll never feel him unless he does things my way;" i said "i still believe that God will keep His promise and someday soon i'll be able to feel/hear Him again." Even in my darkest years (yes, it's been six years now) and when i am doubting Him i cannot help but have faith in the deepest part of me. Sometimes i hate it, but it's still true.
All i was is His, all i am is His, all i ever will be is His, no matter where He takes me. I'm tired of repeating myself but i can't shut up about it: i can't.
Life is still hard. I keep thinking that it's going to get better, and in some ways it has, but then it just gets bad again. In Sunday School my teacher has constantly been on my back. Ever since i moved back it's seemed like he was more intent on judging me than teaching me. I would come each week, expecting to be blessed, and come away disappointed. He was my S.S. teacher for a while in high school, i know that he's got the gift if he'll only use it, but for some reason the teacher that he was--the man who was so passionate about Jesus and so knowledgable about the Word (despite the short length of his walk with God) that it blew me away--is gone.
About a month ago we had a big argument in front of my sister and a guy who had been coming to the class less than a month. It turns out that he blames me for the fact that the class is small (i've been chasing everyone away apparently despite the fact that there has been about five people besides me in that class since i've moved back and they all had obvious reasons for not continuing to come), he's apparently been holding a grudge against me since high school (centered on the fact that i "can only feel God on the deck of a Star Wars ship"... a total twisting of my words), and he basically said in no uncertain terms that i'm not wanted in his class and what i'm doing to witness is not enough (my blogs are worthless... even though i don't think he's ever read a word of my writing).
I started going to my Mom's S.S. class. It's since tripled in size. My sis won't be going back to his class. The new guy kept coming for two weeks but i don't think he was there last week.
The thing that bothers me the most is that i've rooted for him in the past when others were attacking him. He's been doing little things that have bothered me ever since i've moved back and i've simply forgiven and forgotten (they all came rushing back over the next twenty-four hours). But he apparently thinks that because he's really into evangelism then i have to be, too. He expects me to use time i don't have, resources i've never heard of, and a gift that God didn't give me, to bring people to the Lord. I am not into handing out tracts; i have to take the time to build a relationship with people to witness to them one on one. Cramming God's Word down complete strangers' throats just doesn't work for me. Believe me, i'm up front about my faith, everyone knows i'm a Christian, that doesn't mean that i need to offend people by trying to force them to see things my way (Jesus is already offensive enough as it is).
Another thing that he's all over me about is cursing. See, i mistakenly admitted to him (on a week where i thought we were actually having a good dialogue and it was just the two of us) that i have been indecisive about what to think about swearing in the past. So now he assumes that i cuss all the time and is holding it over my head (he's also accusing me of "changing stories" in the middle of said class). The truth is that i learned how to curse from Christians, i don't approve of Christians cursing (or anyone for that matter), and i try not to do it myself but i'm only human and sometimes i just don't have any other words for how much my life stinks. I don't swear in public and i'm trying to stop entirely but yes, i curse from time to time in private. But what business is that of his? He is not an accountability partner; he's supposed to be teaching me what God's Word says, not judging me on whether or not i'm following the Bible to the letter.
If he wanted to confront me about something that i've done to offend him then he should have done it in private per Matthew 18:15-17. I wouldn't have minded if he wanted his wife to be there when it happened, but he shouldn't have attacked me in front of two other people and then totally ignored what they thought when i tried to ask them their opinion. He just totally changed the subject and charged ahead on whatever phantom sins that i have made.
He tried to quote a verse about hating "people" being as good as murder and when we looked it up it's about hating other Christians (1 John 4:20)! He's trying to show me the error of my ways or something and in the process totally takes a verse out of context. He then switches tactics and accuses me of loving Harry Potter more than the Bible when i mention how some Christians are judging Rowling because that's how i know that verse. But to say that i don't love my Bible is a false assumption. I'm an AWANA leader (and AWANA is all about memorizing verses) and the Bible is my sword: why would i not love and rely on the Bible? But i suppose that AWANA is just another ministry that doesn't count because he was upset about my explaining what AWANA stands for before a class started over six months ago (it comes from 2 Timothy 2:15).
The thing is, i've been all about 1 Timothy 4:12 and not letting anyone look down on / judge / lie about me for a long time. I've gotten attacked a lot over the past few years, so right now i'm overdefensive: it didn't help when he attacked me in front of a stranger and lied about me to my face then to the pastor the next day. In class i made a fool of myself because no matter what i said only made it worse. He didn't want to hear the truth. He could only see the lies.
I'm tired of fighting Christians about actions that i've taken that were in line with what Scripture teaches. I could fight from here to eternity because you know what? I was a goodie-two-shoes. No one could find dirt on me, i had all my bases covered, i was the "perfect" Christian. But do you know what i discovered? I wasn't being genuine. For the first time in my life i'm being real and letting myself be human and fallible and they start accusing me, the one with the spotless record.
I try so hard to serve God in every area of my life, with every breath, but i've also decided to stop relying on myself and trust God instead. So what happens when people start attacking me? I try to defend myself because i'm perfect, remember? Their accusations are baseless and lies. But i make a fool of myself when i stand up for myself. I get angry and tell the truth but i hurt people when i do it. I'm brutally honest because that's all i know how to be. The truth hurts and i know it.
But at the same time i'm trying to tell people that i'm innocent when i know i'm not... It's not that i'm guilty of what they're accusing me of, but i'm far from sinless. I listened to what other people told me to do for far too long and i'm still reaping the consequences. I still have no idea what God wants me to do with my life in the here and now: i'm stumbling in the dark, crying out to Him, and it's clear even in the dark that i'm far from perfect. I try to be like Him but i'm not. I know that i'm "better" than a lot of people but i also know that i'm nothing without Him. i know that the reason i'm not a junkie unwed mother or something worse is because God made sure that i knew Him from the beginning or my life. All that i am is who He made me. And i know i've let Him down so many times but every single day i get up and try to do whatever it is that He wants me to do whatever that is.
So i take offense when someone accuses me of not following God because that's all i'm about. Every day is a sacrifice of worship and love and blood and tears. He gave everything for me so i have to give Him everything back and i know it still won't be enough. "But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair" (Reliant K, Be My Escape).
One of the things my teacher was so upset about was that the week before he had said that Mormons own Coke and i said "no, Pepsi" and he says that we fought for over five minutes when in reality it was like half a minute. I don't know who owns Pepsi and i don't really care. I've believed since junior high that it was Pepsi and i love Coke but as he says "it doesn't matter" (which makes me wonder why he made such a big deal about it). It just got me thinking... If someone said that Jesus turned the water to beer (instead of wine) at that wedding would he say "it doesn't matter?" I'm a firm believer that Christians shouldn't be lying no matter how inconsequential they think the subject is. Now i know that my family is majorly overconcerned with being 100% right 100% of the time, and i admitted to that to him, and i am trying to not be that way, but if it is Pepsi and not Coke... Sure, it's not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but does that make it okay for him or me or anyone to lie about it?
I don't know which way it was but he lied about me to my face and insulted not only my sister but the newest member of the class. He didn't care about resolving the situation or discussing any problems that he had with me, he wanted to put me in my place as it were and it had to be his place. And i'm not into that. I believe what my Bible says and nothing else. I will do what God tells me to do and no one else.
I reached out to him months ago and he ignored me and now he spits in my face so i guess my question is what do i do? I really want to know. I tried to write a letter but i couldn't send it because it was too ugly. He was so wrong in what he did that i can't write a letter in love without it being just as awful as what he did to me. I don't want to face him ever again because he hurt me. I had to sing in the service that Sunday and when i got up to leave he accused me of running away when i had just spent half an hour trying to reason with him. He didn't want to hear the truth. My life doesn't revolve around him.
It was hard for me to focus on God for a couple of days after this happened, all i could see was the dark. I performed beautifully i've been told, but all i could think of was all the ugly things he said and i replied with in like. My life is still a struggle each day. I need a job but can't find one. I am overwhelmed with schoolwork and church and the myriad of obstacles that i have to face each day. Despite it all i know that i still believe God. It was amazing when i was recently updated my How to become a Christian page how much i still know that every word that i wrote on that page is absolutely true. After all i've been through i'm still enough of a fool to have faith in everything God's told me.
About the "Star Wars deck" comment... I trusted this teacher completely. In H.S. i confessed to him that i believe that God has promised me that i'll be on Star Trek someday and at the time i wondered if i wouldn't be able to feel the Holy Spirit again until that promise has been fulfilled. It astounds me how much he took that simple statement of faith out of context. He heard "I'll never feel him unless he does things my way;" i said "i still believe that God will keep His promise and someday soon i'll be able to feel/hear Him again." Even in my darkest years (yes, it's been six years now) and when i am doubting Him i cannot help but have faith in the deepest part of me. Sometimes i hate it, but it's still true.
All i was is His, all i am is His, all i ever will be is His, no matter where He takes me. I'm tired of repeating myself but i can't shut up about it: i can't.
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