New Year's resolutions of a sort

i do not normally make New Year's resolutions: i figure that there is no point in putting off until the New Year to start improving upon something that needs fixing today. i've been fighting to fix things in my life for over a decade now, so this post is more of a State of the Lunacy speech. It's been an arduous journey, stumbling around in the dark trying to figure out the answers to questions that seem to have no answers, trying to figure out God's will when He has been so very silent. i'm sorry to say that i don't pursue God as keenly as i once did: i realized a long time ago that the harder i sought Him the more i fell apart when i didn't find Him. i used to blame Him for that, for my inability to find Him, because i was always taught that He would come running when i called. When that proved to not necessarily be the case, my whole life fell apart. Some people would call my opinions towards how God works to be sacrilegious, but i think that very often we take God's Word out of context. We're all stumbling around in the dark whether we realize it or not, and there's no way that any one person has all the answers while they're here on earth, otherwise what would be the point in continuing to live? If you aren't striving and learning then you're wasting precious life.

There were many things that i had to come to terms with in order to reach this point. My quarter life crisis hit me hard, and in many ways is still hitting me. i have no career. i have no relationship prospects. i had to get over Brad and then come to terms with the fact that i was willing to give him so very much that compromised parts of myself that i never wanted to compromise. Because i have no experience in dating or love i didn't realize what i was doing, i was completely blind. It didn't help matters that the man that i fell in love with turned out to be nothing like i thought he was and that i had been ignoring the small warning signs. i'm glad that i didn't end up with Brad now, but it took me a long time to reach this point, i still cannot say that i am entirely over him. It would be very hard for me to articulate just how very much i long to be in a marriage relationship, to not be alone, and where i have slid to as a result without losing all integrity. Yes, i am still a virgin, but i still feel sullied because of how much i gave emotionally and how much lust that i'm trying to deal with right now. i have no idea how to come to grips with my sexuality when i am single and trying to live a pure life, the entire "just ignore it" thing that the church has going on isn't helping me. i've also come to realize that i have some rather unrealistic expectations when it comes to marriage, that i've bought into the chick flick mentality a bit too much.

So my first two resolutions for this year are to more actively seek God again and surrender my lustful urges to Him in an attempt to confine them to His will and guidelines.

One of the most obvious external indicators of the changes that have happened in my life over the past year and a half is my body. It has taken me a very, very long time to come to grips with my weight. The truth is that i thought i was fat since i was about eight or nine, largely because that's what my peers told me and it seemed as if my mother thought she was fat. When i was Katie's age and size i hid my body and lived in humiliation because i did not understand what i had done to become fat or why i couldn't lose the weight. What i did not understand at the time was that i wasn't fat, my body just looked different than the ones i saw around me because i was athletic and big boned and more padded than the stick straight anorexic look that most people seem to go for these days. i would love to have my body from high school back again, but the little known truth is that our body's shape and size is not what determines our happiness. Our weight only has as much power as we give it, we don't have to be obsessed with losing those 10-15 pounds that we don't need to lose no matter how much society is screaming at us to do so. Is it more important to look like a model or be healthy?

i feel vastly healthier than i did after Brad and i broke up, which was at a point in my life where i was depressed and didn't care about taking care of my body. The ironic thing is that, my first big jump in weight gain, i was depressed but trying very hard to take care of my body, i just wasn't going about it in the right way. i have fought very hard not to gain more weight than i have. The things that i blame the most on my weight gain are depression and insomnia, even more than eating junk food or anything else, because i have almost always been active. i used to think that there was something wrong with my body because i didn't lose weight when i dieted and worked out. More sacrilege? Still, it's the truth. i'm starting to wonder if it's all the unnecessary chemicals and growth hormones that are in all the food at the local grocery store that have caused my body to not maintain a healthy weight.

So my next two resolutions are to reapply myself to eating less high fructose corn syrup, unnecessary chemicals--and instead buy natural and organic foods as much as possible--and to reapply myself to my training. i think i've finally come to a place where i am truly happy with my body but know that i have to keep fighting to lose more weight. i will never be the same size as Megan, and i'll probably never be the same size as Katie again, but maybe i can get below 200 pounds and get back into size 14 or 16 and just be healthy and happy. To that end i believe that i'll start training for Olympic length triathlons but only compete in Sprint length ones until i can improve my performance... say at least come in the top 75%! lol

My last three resolutions are to expand my social circle, write more, and balance my selfless and self-protective natures.

i have always felt a bit socially awkward, and to be honest playing WoW has exacerbated that. Throwing myself into the game, i thought i had a lot of friends, when in reality they were just nicer to me than most people are. There was no real connection or hold between us. Everything there has fallen apart time and again, and there's always two or three jerks that have to bring out the worst in me. One of the reasons that i didn't make a very good actress is because i was afraid to look bad: Emma Thompson and David Tennant have proven to me that the ugly parts of a person can make them all the more beautiful. i need to stop caring so much about what people say about me because very often they do it just to get a rise out of me and it makes me uglier than if i would have let it slide off my back.

So i'm quitting WoW, probably for good, and that was part of the deal i made with God when i decided to apply for the job at WoW.com: i have been considering leaving the game for a long time, and i promised Him that if i didn't get the job that i would finally quit the game. i want to try to make more friends my own age, or maybe just within my own interests. Let's face it, i am and have been and will always be a geek. Gaming will just become a smaller part of my life, just as it always was before i took up WoW. Now i will seek relationships based on shared faith, or interest in reading/writing, or in knitting, or in triathlons. Of course i also have two more semesters of school to get through, and a lot of what i can accomplish will depend on what my school-load is like.

i have been so grateful with my friendship with Katie these past few months. i also hate being sick, and cannot wait for this stupid cold to go away and the semester to start so i can start training again. i have several knitting projects that i'm looking forward to working on soon. i'm trying to make healthy choices and continue to grow as we enter a new decade... even though that decade technically doesn't begin until a year from now. (;

sometimes nothing is better than anything

Back in September, one of my friends on Facebook linked to an article in the New York Times on her wall. The title of the Op Ed is "The Body Count at Home" and talks about a young woman who died from lupus. When i read it, i of course felt it was sad, but was offended by the fact that the article claims that certain members of Congress want us to do "nothing" for people like her (quote: "About as many people who were killed on 9/11 die every two months because of our failure to provide universal insurance and yet many members of Congress want us to do nothing?"). i wanted to say something to this friend, to everyone, but was worried about offending people, despite the fact that i had been offended. Since reading the article and not responding i have had writers block. i think of that article often and wish that i would have written something in response, and then it felt like i had waited too long. Well, the healthcare debate reared it's nasty head in Congress again this weekend, and i'm tired of having writer's block, i think that it's finally time for me to get this off my chest. Please keep in mind that i'm not writing this trying to offend anyone, rather to set some inconsistencies straight and point out some facts. As Rush likes to point out, a lot of people feel better about themselves because they feel sorry when something bad happens to someone, but their solution often only makes things worse for everyone, let alone that one individual.

To start off, this claim that about 1366 people in the U.S. are dying without healthcare every other month seems a bit steep. Where did that number come from? Did Mr. Kristof discover a source for that bit of info or did someone ad it onto the headline to catch interest and inflame people's sensibilities?

To sum up about Nikki (the 21 year old that the piece is about), she's a college grad with lupus that worked in healthcare that gradually got too sick to work so she lost her own healthcare. Kristof then brings up the author of a book who took up Nikki's plight (of course he's not trying to advertise said book, is he?), who says that Nikki couldn't find any new coverage because of her pre-existing condition. "She spent months painfully writing letters to anyone she thought might be able to help. She fought tenaciously for her life."

This flowery language draws sympathy but is weak in the facts department. One would think that because Nikki worked in the industry she would know a few things about keeping her coverage: the article makes it sound like she had the money to pay for it, after all. My question is, why didn't she use Cobra? That's how i paid for my wisdom teeth surgery after i quit working at KJCT. I find it hard to believe that she couldn't find one company to insure her or anyone else to help. There are other sources to consider such as research funds for those with Lupus, free hospitals/clinics, paying for her care out of pocket, and if she was truly disabled then drawing on disability from the government. Of course the next logical place to look for help would be the community: she could have tried raising the funds, asking for donations, seeking help at church, etc. A woman that goes to my church helped a friend raise money when that friend's daughter had cancer, and i am talking about extreme amounts of money, they were able to raise all the money. And, if all else fails, there is the emergency room, which is used every day by people that don't have an emergency but cannot afford medical insurance, often with no cost to the patient, just to the taxpayers.

Unfortunately, it seems as if Nikki liked writing letters until she was in pain more than the idea of actually getting care, because it wasn't until she "collapsed at her home" that she was "rushed to a hospital emergency room, which was then required to treat her without payment until her condition stabilized". By that point, her condition was apparently so bad that surgery wasn't enough... and died at the age of 32. Did you catch that? She lived 11 years after losing her job in the health care industry. She apparently had her own home. The medical workers were wonderful, but she "fell through the cracks."

Please don't misunderstand me, it's sad that she died at the age of 32... but the language that Mr. Kristof uses makes it sound like all of this happened overnight. She had ten years of her own choices that influnced what happened to her life. Mr. Kristof advises that it would have been better of her to rob a bank so she could get free healthcare (because it's so horrible the way we make sure our criminals stay healthy in the U.S.), i'm rather surprised he doesn't just advise her to move to Canada or the UK where they have this perfect healthcare system, where care is free for everyone, etc. My sympathies go out to her parents, but really... could this article be more overdramatic?

The saddest thing about this article is that the parents and author and columnist expect the government to fix the healthcare system. I am fully aware that such is the opinion of what must be done on one side of the issue. On the other side of the issue, we are looking at what the government has done with Social Security, the Stimulus package, etc., and are loudly saying keep your hands off. On this side, we are looking at countries such as Canada, where it takes weeks just to get to see a doctor, and the UK, where women are going to the hospital to have their babies only to be turned away, and giving birth in stairwells and bathrooms instead, and wondering what's so great about that system. Canadians, and British, and people from around the world come to the U.S. to get better medical care, not the other way around. I wonder about why people like Michael J. Fox want the socialization of healthcare when it means that all the funding for research is going to get cut in order to cut down on costs.

Would socialized healthcare have saved Nikki? Possibly, though i have seen no proof that there was any medical care to help her. All of the surgeries she received were reportedly ineffectual. What i do know is that Nikki's surgeries got paid for by our tax dollars even without the reforms that my friend is supporting, and that if those reforms go through then all the coverage for my grandparents will immediately be cut and rationed. My grandparents have paid taxes their entire lives, who is my friend or the government to tell them that they are no longer worthy of full coverage just because they have grown old? Grandad doesn't deserve any healthcare because he's got dementia? If the government can take away coverage because of that, what is to stop them from taking coverage away from Nikki? For that matter, what is to stop them from forcing coverage on me when i do not want it and then jailing or fining me because i want to have my children at home, not circumcise them, not get them vaccinated, and not tie my tubes? What's to stop them from anything when they control our health, our very lives? What indeed.

re: my recent weight gain

i have gained 3 pounds. One might think that this has made me upset, but it hasn't. You see, those 3 pounds are pure muscle. i haven't lost any inches around my waist according to the tape measure, but i have gained muscle there (i can open and close my belly button with my muscles now, it's really weird). For the first time since i started losing weight (a little over a year ago), my clothing is truly starting to get loose and fall off me. i have bought several pairs of size 16 pants, and the size 18's i bought right before school started are already getting looser.

Since i started this semester, i have decided that i do not want to be thin. i would like to be thinner, of course, but i do not wish to be a stick or a twig. All the Venuses that i have seen so far in my current art history class are HUGE; they used to be the ideal. Things have changed so very much! So many celebrities and models are too thin and it disgusts me. i will never be curvy, but i am curvier, as strange as that may sound (less flab, more feminine shape). i hope to never stop being an athlete, and i hope to never be so thin that you can see my ribs or washboard abs. Women are meant to be round: i embrace this. At the moment, i think i might be revising my goal to just get under 200, and then see where i go from there. i'm not sure that 165 is as feasible for me as it once was.

exhausted

i used a gel at the beginning of mountain biking class today, and probably should have used one part of the way through as well. i forgot my ponytail holder, and was soooo hot, but i made it through the class, doing the same thing as the rest of the group the entire way. We had to walk our bikes part of the way (and some of us pushed them farther than others) because today we took a more difficult trail. i am vastly improved compared to where i started, but i still lack confidence when going downhill sometimes. What i am doing is rather unbelievable to me, and i'm actually reaching a point where i can tell myself: "Yes, you're scared, but you know how to do this. Don't tense up, just go with it." i have the tendency to lock up on the brakes, hold onto the handlebars for dear life when my hands should be relaxed (fingers extended and resting on the brakes), and mess up in places where i feel like i should be able to go, but i am improving. i am even able to go uphill more easily now, though i still have to push my bike a lot (the climbs in this area are brutal), i'm getting the technique down (i've discovered that i need to move forward in the seat but stay seated). Mom would be freaked out if she saw where i rode today, and i was at first, too, until i told myself to just ignore the drop off because to focus on it would guarantee that i would fall off the side of the hill. Right now, even though i'm improving, i'm concerned that i may have EIA (Exercise Induced Asthma), because sometimes after workouts i'm wheezy for several hours and have a bit of a cough (the day of the Highline Hustle and this past Tuesday come to mind). Anyway, i need to do some homework now and study for my first Art test tomorrow, but i thought i would check in.

On another note... i've been really wanting to write more on healthcare (besides the snippets on Facebook that are totally being taken out of context), but haven't found the time. Now it's been so long that it's sort of starting to feel like "What's the point?" But the fight is far from over. i've been wanting to start a podcast ever since the Fourth of July, too. The 5th of November is on the brain lately, as well.

Tri Training W5D1

It was a short run today, twenty minutes all together, two five minute intervals, and i actually ran more than i was "supposed" to. i edited the Podrunner Interval W5D1 podcast last night to fit the workout and even though the rest period was only a minute long it felt like forever. i was sure that i must have accidentally edited out the chimes that told me to start running again, so i did starting running again, probably about 45s into the rest! It was a short run, i'm not sure how far i went (i stayed on the road again, and by the time i had gotten back home didn't remember where my turn around point had been), but i'm sure that it must have been less than two miles.

Fitness finally seems to be catching on with the adults in the house / on the property! This week Aunt Polly started the Cto5k program and Mom and Dad joined the gym. Katie will be running in the Girls on the Run 5k with me on Saturday (i don't know if we'll stay together, but we'll both be there). i've been kind of wishing for a training partner lately, but even training alone i feel like exercise has become addicting! i constantly want to exercise more and have to pace myself so i won't get injured. i actually have a bruise right now that i have no idea where i got it (unless it was from when one of the dogs jumped on me last week, and if so it sure took it's time showing up) and my left forearm is sore. i just read that you're more likely to bruise the less fat you have; who knew?

Anyways, looking forward to my swim tomorrow.

TriNewb W4D5

Was a bit breezy today, and i felt a run would be ill advised, so i skipped day 4 of week 4 (will probably run it tomorrow). i jumped on Mom's bike and rode 9.898 miles instead, with the wind blowing against me most of the way (it kept changing directions, and never in my favor). Around mile 7 my left hand cramped for a while: my arms are so short that to hold the grips in my palms i have to lean forward and bear my weight. It gets painful after a while, i try to sit up as much as possible and not grip the handlebars tightly. Shifting went better today, though it's a pain to get it to go into third (on the left hand shifter). i climbed about 300 feet today, it was a really big workout, but i'm looking forward to shaving time off of the ride in the future (it took me nearly 50 minutes). My slowest speed was 6.6 mph at the steepest, my fastest 23.3 mph on my way back down. Oh, and i used the bike computer for the first time today (obviously), Dad had it lying around: i installed it last night. i might end up using his camelback instead of bottles in cages, i need to check to see if the bike even has the capability of mounting cages.

Incidentally... my weight and waist have gone up, but my thighs and calves have definitely gotten more muscular. And, disgusting as it might be (is), my waistline is not the thickest part of my waist. My upper roll has finally shrunk to the same size as my lower roll, so i'm psyched. Now if i could only get both those rolls to the same size as my waistline, and even smaller.

Tri Training W3D2

i went to the gym after work and rode 6 miles, then lifted weights for my arms and shoulders. i'm trying to take it easy with the weights, but i know my arms are being neglected. i've gained 2 pounds, which is discouraging, but i'm sure it's muscle because my legs are definitely getting stronger. Give me a couple more weeks and my thighs and calves will be huge! As it is my waist and thighs have stayed the same, but i've gained like an 1 1/2" on my thighs. i expected a weight gain this week, i'm so hungry all the time, and am really working hard on this, but i was stupid this afternoon and got on the old scale... which told me that i had lost 5 pounds. i should have known better than to trust it. Overall, feeling good, looking forward to my swim and walk tomorrow, and hoping i can run 5k on Friday.

last night... SDP W1D2 / TriTraining W1D2

This day had been sooo weird. My first two classes of the day were canceled. i'm petsitting for a friend of my mother's again (for free, but hey, she has satellite and the house is quiet). i'm so ready for my third day of triathlon training.

So yes, i am taking the plunge and starting to train for my first triathlon, the Highline Hustle Sprint Triathlon at Highline Lake June 13. The distances are swim 500m, bike 16 mi., and run 3 mi., in that order; there are new exercise tickers at the bottom of my blog to reflect my new goals. The good news: my running is already where it needs to be on race day, and i don't think i'll have that much trouble coming up to speed on my biking and swimming. The bad news: i thought i had eleven weeks to train, but i only have ten because the race has been moved up a week compared to last year to (i had thought the race was June 20th). i'm using TriNewbies 10 Week Sprint Distance Program - Beginner (which is actually ten weeks of training and then an easy eleventh week before the race) for my training, and will just have to combine week 1 and 2, but as i said, i'm already there physically and the running in their program is a big step back for me. So as far as my running i'm going to finish out week 9 of Cto5k and then start doing some shorter intervals (probably 5-10 minutes in length) and possibly some speed drills. So i have a lot of work ahead of me, workouts five days a week, serious bike riding for the first time ever, and serious swimming for the first time in about ten years (wow, it's hard to believe it's been that long). i plan to swim 200 yards this afternoon and bike 8 miles Sat. or Sun. (at the moment i'm on Thur. even though it's only Wed... it will probably be better for me to work out on Sundays once AWANA ends for the year, but right now that's a better day off for me than Mondays).

Bad thing about petsitting... the case of Coca-Cola in the fridge and abundance of junk food in the house. Good thing about petsitting... built in work out partners.

so frustrating

i only ran one day last week, and it was on the elliptical. i have been so stressed out lately, so short on time, that i don't feel i can even make the time to workout, and it's both disheartening and beyond my full capacity to care about. i gained another pound last week. i'm working so hard and i gained a pound. Sure, it would be great to workout 3, 4, or 5 days a week, and i really am glad that i seem to be losing fat on my stomach, but is it too much to ask to drop in weight a bit?

So, as a result of being disheartened, i ate fast food a couple of times last week, which of course only contributes to the problem. i am so sick of fat and wish that i could just get under 200.

i have a couple of bones to pick

So first off... if you're paying less than $3 a loaf for bread, chances are high that you're eating high fructose corn syrup. Even if the bread is trying to pass itself off as wheat and healthy, it's really not: it's going to have bleached flower and HFCS. One must pay at least $4 a loaf to get bread that has honey or sugar in it instead of HFCS. My biggest concern is that i don't want to pay $4 a loaf and discover that the wheat or 7-grain that i just purchased tastes like cardboard and makes me want to spit it out and let the whole loaf mold so i can feel all right about throwing it out. This is a waste of my precious time and money.

Secondly, i came home, and saw the end of Ironman, and it was meh. i plan to watch it but right now i'm just too mad because i got on WoW and was invited to Naxx where we merely wiped repeatedly on the same boss for an hour. And a friend promised to tank some heroics for me but he wouldn't stop complaining about his new slutty gf. So i'm trying to tell him to stop asking out slutty girls and he won't listen to me. He decides instead to get off WoW, after leaving me hanging for half an hour, and continue to try to call his gf, who is talking on her phone to another guy.

Anyway, it occurs to me while i'm watching Ironman that Stan Lee totally ripped off Robert Heinlein. i mention in guild chat that i didn't like the movie Starship Troopers because of the gratuitous boob shots and the fact that the grunts were all supposed to be wearing outfits just like in Ironman. No one says "good point" or "that would have been awesome... an entire army of Ironmen fighting bugs." No, the new guildees that suddenly appeared while i was taking time off because i was tired of being the only person that was on (save one or two others that don't even talk to me), says "What's wrong with T&A?" And the friend who's complaining about his slutty gf says it's okay for girls to be sluts if they want to. Then he complains about how hard it is to be a virgin because all of his friends aren't and tease him about it. What an idiot.

i am so tired of trying to have fun and just getting mad and depressed.

Cto5k W5D2 redux

i used an older elliptical trainer today, one with the moving arms and the heartrate monitor in the center. i didn't like it as well (the monitor was unrealiable for one thing). i'll use my old machine next time, even if it does require me staring at the magazine rack, i like its settings better and the resistance isn't all wonky. i had to keep turning the resistance up during the easier stretches and then back down during the hard ones. i didn't mind how the intervals changed (in fact i like the concept), it's just that the variance between them is too wide. i don't ever need the resistance below 2 or above 11 (even 11 is pushing it for me). My heartrate wasn't as controlled today, i had to be careful not to push myself too hard. It was a good workout i guess, i don't know if i'm ready to hit the track again, though my shoes are gradually breaking in.

Afterwards i stopped by REI to return the TapGuard and buy a SplashGuard. i got one half off, in a yellow orange color with a black jack o'lantern face on it (it's their Halloween equivalent to the Smiley). i would have preferred Alien Gray, Clean Air, Snowflake, or Aqua Camo, but they didn't have those color choices available, only Tahoe Blue, Smiley Face, and a red yellow and green one that is similar to the camo ones. Hey, it was half price, no one is going to see that wicked smile but me. (:

Now that i know that the filter idea was a bust, i need to turn my thoughts back to my original idea. i want to buy a glass water cooler jug (probably 3 gallons because i cannot imagine carrying a 5 gallon jug when it's full) and fill my water bottle from it as needed. i'm not going to be saving $500 apparently, but at least i'll be able to stand the taste of the water and be creating less waste.

H2O

i don't think i like this filter thing. When the water bottle is full i still spill water on myself. When it's emptier, it's really hard to suck the water through. i can't chug my water. And the water still doesn't taste good. They said i could bring it back, i'll probably return it.

wha???

Rice Crispies and Special K have High Fructose Corn Syrup in them. /confused

i dyed my hair last night, trying to go back to my natural color as close as possible. i'm going to try not dying it any more (i don't even want to know how many toxic chemicals are in those dyes); let's see how long that lasts. lol

i'm also thinking about cutting my hair again... idk if i'm going to bob it or try to keep the length.

School tomorrow (along with the inauguration ): ), LOST WEDNESDAY!

more Lean Cuisine... and time to hit the books again

i don't know how a part time job can keep a person so busy, but it does. All my free time has been filled with trying to get my room cleaned up, lvling skinning and mining on my DK Blanche, and trying to get Lui geared in heroics (those last two completely involve playing World of Warcraft: i haven't been so immersed in the game since i first hit 70, but we're making a mad push to start raiding again, and it has been anything but easy going).

On the Lean Cuisine front i have now sampled Chicken Enchilada Suiza with Mexican-Style Rice (i actually had this one at home, and had to add salsa to the rice, but it was probably the best of the bunch, probably cuz i cooked it in the oven), Cheddar Potatoes with Broccoli (the potatoes started to burn at the end, but tasted fine, though there was too much chesse... it was kind of like having nacho cheese all over my steamed broccoli and fries, and that's not really my thing), and Three Cheese Stuffed Rigatoni (which was okay, but just tasted a bit off somehow. i cooked it a little extra and the squash and zucchini were a bit rubbery, not quite hot enough, and i don't think i like them with the marinara, though the rigatoni was excellent). Overall, these meals seem to be light, yet filling enough to satisfy most days. One day i ate it when i didn't feel really hungry yet, and an hour later i was starving, which really stunk. But usually it's enough.

There was one day where i forgot to grab the meal, so i headed across the parking lot to Good Times and bought a Guacamole Bacon Burger (you gotta remember that guacamole is high in good fats, btw) and was "good" and got a Strawberry Lemonade to drink (which seemed less healthy than Sonic's Strawberry Fruit Slush to me, less fresh strawberries and more syrup that probably contains that nasty HFCS). i definitely prefer my homemade guac though. i did have one day where i was feeling down so i went to BigLots and bought a 20oz Coke: other than that i haven't been having any. On Saturday i will be trying Chicken Mediterranean.

Today i need to go to town and buy my schoolbooks before work. Class starts on Tuesday (we have Martin Luther King Jr. Day off for a change), and i have Intro to Creative Writing, US Lit 2, Brit Lit 2, and British Romanticism (which i really hope i don't regret, but i know that i like the professor). i'm looking forward to running again, which i plan to do at the gym for now, perhaps starting out on the elliptical trainers as i build my endurance back up (i've been sick twice since i was running three times a week). i'm not sure what i'm going to do for easy meals at college, but i need to do something. Oh, and i'm also going to try continuing to work at Hobby Lobby.

i guess that's about it. i should be blogging more again as of next week.

Trying to Avoid HFCS and MSG

i admit it, i have had about six cans of Coca-Cola and one 20oz bottle of Dr. Pepper since the New Year. Mom bought more, i had some, and yesterday i had a huge headache and really wanted caffeine, let's just leave it at that. i've been wondering where else i could get caffeine, cuz sometimes it helps my headaches... do i even want to look up the ingredients that are in a Starbucks Java Chip Frapp?

So last week i went out and bought some Lean Cuisine frozen meals to zap in the microwave at work (instead of eating junk / fast food during my lunch). i'm not a fan of frozen dinners, let alone "diet" ones, but i like Stouffers so i thought i'd give them a try. So on Monday i ate Lean Cuisine BBQ Chicken Pizza for the first time... and i wasn't impressed. The crust and chicken were overdone and tough while the onion were still cold even though they were cut uber small. The sauce tasted completely wrong, too, it was way too sweet. i had better luck Tuesday with the Teriyaki Steak bowl. The sauce was a bit off, but not as disturbing as the bbq: other than that it was pretty good. The pro to these meals is they're super easy (grab a box out of the freezer and head out), have healthier ingredients as far as i can tell, and fill me up while coming it at fewer than 400 calories.

This morning i enjoyed eating the cereal that my mom had bought (i didn't even have to look at the label to know it fulfilled my NYR requirements!). i mixed an organic off-brand cheerio with Peanut Butter Bumpers (something which i usually don't eat, i'm not really into peanut butter that much and it's too strong of a taste alone, but it goes well with the cheerios as it turns out). Their primary sweeteners? "Evaporated Cane Sugar" and "Desulphurated Molasses" respectively (whatever that means!). Anyways, it sounds healthier than High Fructose Mutated Corn (and let's be honest, who really wants sulfur in their cereal to begin with?)!

After work, i had some books to drop off at the library, and got a hankering for Chinese food (the dollar scoop place is on the way). Three scoops for $4.05, always a deal. i've been sooo hungry lately, it must be in reaction to the few days that i was sick in which i didn't feel like eating most of the time. i feel like a Coke, but i didn't give in! i can't remember if the dollar scoop place is MSG free or not, i know the one at the mall is (but they cost a lot more than a buck twenty-five!). idk, too tired to think any more about a post that it took me several days to compile. i meant to write more, take photos in a very Jorge Garcia fashion, but what can i say??? Opening a box of Lean Cuisine while surrounded by three other employees who are also eating their lunches doesn't make me feel like whipping out my cell phone and taking a shot. Really, it doesn't.

my New Year's resolutions for 2009

i don't usually do New Year's resolutions. My general mentality is that if something in your life is worth changing, there's no point in holding off for the new year to come around. However, this year, i am ever increasingly mindful of the fact that i am still single and the big 30 is just around the corner. i know, i'm only 27, and i have three years left, but what if i'm never married? Am i always going to be waiting to try things after i'm married? Is everything important going to be forever delegated to the realm of "once i get my own place"? i don't know if i will ever be able to afford my own home, not when i have dead end jobs now and student loans to pay after i graduate (hopefully in May 2010). i can't keep waiting for my life to begin, yet that's all i have been doing for as long as i can remember. It's time for something to change, to get to my goal #15 at 43 Things - stop procrastinating and get organized!. So, in this vein, i actually have some New Year's resolutions to make.

1 - get rid of clutter and get organized

i know this will not be cheap, to get storage in the form of Rubbermaids or baskets, but it needs to be done. Cardboard boxes that are falling apart are cluttering up my walkways; they aren't pleasant to look at or trip over. i have too much stuff, i want to simplify, and working at a place like Hobby Lobby it has become painfully obvious to me how much money people spend on junk that they really don't need. Sure, sometimes the junk is pretty (sometimes it's soooo not), but it's still not necessary. i live in a really small space, i don't need to fill it with things that i don't need anymore, and i don't want my space to be a mess.

2 - live conscientiously

Okay, part of my problem with fulfilling resolution #1 is where am i going to find the time? In a couple of weeks i'll be going to school full time, and i may have a part time job at the same time. i'm not even sure i can handle that workload, let alone feel like i have a life or have time for relaxation. The trouble is that when i get home i am exhausted and want nothing more than to fall into bed and play WoW or watch a tv show/movie, etc. There's not necessarily anything wrong with those things, but it contributes to my mess when all i do is toss stuff down anywhere. When clothes come out of the dryer, i need to fold them and put them away immediately. When i drop something, i need to pick it up. Everything needs to have a place and i need to put it there so i can find it, not lose it or damage it. So no more letting things slide because i'm tired (/sigh).

But there's other aspects to this goal, as well. i'm going to be talking about them a lot in this blog. For one thing, i'm sick of just following everyone else and not thinking through my actions. Do i really need to be bringing home/using plastic bags? Should i be drinking water out of little plastic bottles? i want to start conserving and Re-Using, and there's no point in putting it off any longer.

3 - live healthy... and hopefully lose weight

i.e. ban high fructose corn syrup from my diet (this means Coca-Cola, among other things) and cut back my portions and intake of unhealthy foods (such as those that are fatty, fried, and meat, which i eat entirely too much of ). For the past couple of weeks i've been eating fast food nearly every time i go to work, gradually gaining back the ten pounds i lost when running three times a week this fall. i need to lose weight, perhaps not to get a perfect body, but to at least get below 200 pounds. But even if i don't see results--ever--i still need to keep running, keep moving, keep making smart choices for my body. It would be easy to just give up, keep drinking Coke every day of my life, but i'm not going to do that. Just because i feel like a failure when it comes to my body doesn't make i can give up.

4 - conquer my brown/black thumb and replace it with a green one

Growing my own food is something i've been wanting to try for a couple of years and would be healthier than always buying from the grocery store. i'm not sure i can compost here, because my dad feeds everything to the chickens and goats, but that is a goal that i have for the future.

i guess that's all i can think of right now, but this is all a work in progress. i'm sooo tired right now, i have many ideas floating around my head and even crammed in the back of my brain, but this is my beginning. Lets see where it goes from here....