New Year's resolutions of a sort

i do not normally make New Year's resolutions: i figure that there is no point in putting off until the New Year to start improving upon something that needs fixing today. i've been fighting to fix things in my life for over a decade now, so this post is more of a State of the Lunacy speech. It's been an arduous journey, stumbling around in the dark trying to figure out the answers to questions that seem to have no answers, trying to figure out God's will when He has been so very silent. i'm sorry to say that i don't pursue God as keenly as i once did: i realized a long time ago that the harder i sought Him the more i fell apart when i didn't find Him. i used to blame Him for that, for my inability to find Him, because i was always taught that He would come running when i called. When that proved to not necessarily be the case, my whole life fell apart. Some people would call my opinions towards how God works to be sacrilegious, but i think that very often we take God's Word out of context. We're all stumbling around in the dark whether we realize it or not, and there's no way that any one person has all the answers while they're here on earth, otherwise what would be the point in continuing to live? If you aren't striving and learning then you're wasting precious life.

There were many things that i had to come to terms with in order to reach this point. My quarter life crisis hit me hard, and in many ways is still hitting me. i have no career. i have no relationship prospects. i had to get over Brad and then come to terms with the fact that i was willing to give him so very much that compromised parts of myself that i never wanted to compromise. Because i have no experience in dating or love i didn't realize what i was doing, i was completely blind. It didn't help matters that the man that i fell in love with turned out to be nothing like i thought he was and that i had been ignoring the small warning signs. i'm glad that i didn't end up with Brad now, but it took me a long time to reach this point, i still cannot say that i am entirely over him. It would be very hard for me to articulate just how very much i long to be in a marriage relationship, to not be alone, and where i have slid to as a result without losing all integrity. Yes, i am still a virgin, but i still feel sullied because of how much i gave emotionally and how much lust that i'm trying to deal with right now. i have no idea how to come to grips with my sexuality when i am single and trying to live a pure life, the entire "just ignore it" thing that the church has going on isn't helping me. i've also come to realize that i have some rather unrealistic expectations when it comes to marriage, that i've bought into the chick flick mentality a bit too much.

So my first two resolutions for this year are to more actively seek God again and surrender my lustful urges to Him in an attempt to confine them to His will and guidelines.

One of the most obvious external indicators of the changes that have happened in my life over the past year and a half is my body. It has taken me a very, very long time to come to grips with my weight. The truth is that i thought i was fat since i was about eight or nine, largely because that's what my peers told me and it seemed as if my mother thought she was fat. When i was Katie's age and size i hid my body and lived in humiliation because i did not understand what i had done to become fat or why i couldn't lose the weight. What i did not understand at the time was that i wasn't fat, my body just looked different than the ones i saw around me because i was athletic and big boned and more padded than the stick straight anorexic look that most people seem to go for these days. i would love to have my body from high school back again, but the little known truth is that our body's shape and size is not what determines our happiness. Our weight only has as much power as we give it, we don't have to be obsessed with losing those 10-15 pounds that we don't need to lose no matter how much society is screaming at us to do so. Is it more important to look like a model or be healthy?

i feel vastly healthier than i did after Brad and i broke up, which was at a point in my life where i was depressed and didn't care about taking care of my body. The ironic thing is that, my first big jump in weight gain, i was depressed but trying very hard to take care of my body, i just wasn't going about it in the right way. i have fought very hard not to gain more weight than i have. The things that i blame the most on my weight gain are depression and insomnia, even more than eating junk food or anything else, because i have almost always been active. i used to think that there was something wrong with my body because i didn't lose weight when i dieted and worked out. More sacrilege? Still, it's the truth. i'm starting to wonder if it's all the unnecessary chemicals and growth hormones that are in all the food at the local grocery store that have caused my body to not maintain a healthy weight.

So my next two resolutions are to reapply myself to eating less high fructose corn syrup, unnecessary chemicals--and instead buy natural and organic foods as much as possible--and to reapply myself to my training. i think i've finally come to a place where i am truly happy with my body but know that i have to keep fighting to lose more weight. i will never be the same size as Megan, and i'll probably never be the same size as Katie again, but maybe i can get below 200 pounds and get back into size 14 or 16 and just be healthy and happy. To that end i believe that i'll start training for Olympic length triathlons but only compete in Sprint length ones until i can improve my performance... say at least come in the top 75%! lol

My last three resolutions are to expand my social circle, write more, and balance my selfless and self-protective natures.

i have always felt a bit socially awkward, and to be honest playing WoW has exacerbated that. Throwing myself into the game, i thought i had a lot of friends, when in reality they were just nicer to me than most people are. There was no real connection or hold between us. Everything there has fallen apart time and again, and there's always two or three jerks that have to bring out the worst in me. One of the reasons that i didn't make a very good actress is because i was afraid to look bad: Emma Thompson and David Tennant have proven to me that the ugly parts of a person can make them all the more beautiful. i need to stop caring so much about what people say about me because very often they do it just to get a rise out of me and it makes me uglier than if i would have let it slide off my back.

So i'm quitting WoW, probably for good, and that was part of the deal i made with God when i decided to apply for the job at WoW.com: i have been considering leaving the game for a long time, and i promised Him that if i didn't get the job that i would finally quit the game. i want to try to make more friends my own age, or maybe just within my own interests. Let's face it, i am and have been and will always be a geek. Gaming will just become a smaller part of my life, just as it always was before i took up WoW. Now i will seek relationships based on shared faith, or interest in reading/writing, or in knitting, or in triathlons. Of course i also have two more semesters of school to get through, and a lot of what i can accomplish will depend on what my school-load is like.

i have been so grateful with my friendship with Katie these past few months. i also hate being sick, and cannot wait for this stupid cold to go away and the semester to start so i can start training again. i have several knitting projects that i'm looking forward to working on soon. i'm trying to make healthy choices and continue to grow as we enter a new decade... even though that decade technically doesn't begin until a year from now. (;

ugh

i picked up He's Just Not that Into You at the grocery store the other day for a moment, and perused the table of contents:

You Are All Dating the Same Guy
1 He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Asking You Out
2 He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Calling You
3 He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Dating You
4 He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Having Sex with You
5 He's Just Not That Into You If He's Having Sex with Someone Else
6 He's Just Not That Into You If He Only Wants to See You When He's Drunk
7 He's Just Not That Into You If He Doesn't Want to Marry You
8 He's Just Not That Into You If He's Breaking Up with You
9 He's Just Not That Into You If He's Disappeared on You
10 He's Just Not That Into You If He's Married (and Other Insane Variations of Being Unavailable)
11 He's Just Not That Into You If He's a Selfish Jerk, a Bully, or a Really Big Freak

This was the source of one of the sinking feelings that i've had over the course of the past week. We can discard #4 (i'm not sure it's apt, seeing how i wouldn't let that happen), but i with Brad i was always a victim of #s 1, 3, 7. Then came #s 9, 2, 8, 11, 6, and 5. That's a lot of numbers! It's hard for me not to wonder if he ever really loved me, or was just using me. i don't want to think that way about him, i want to hang on to hope, to dream about the possibility of getting back together, which is just really, really stupid.

Which brings me back to the first source of that sinking feeling. In Brit Lit this week we read "Impercipient" by Thomas Hardy, which is kind of a made up word, and the teacher asked the class to define it. One guy said: "It's the chick that still thinks that she and her boyfriend are going to get back together months after he broke up with her." Yeah, i've been feeling stupid lately, what with my dreaming of Brad, getting in arguments with my "friend" Laz (he certainly hasn't been acting like a friend), and trying to reconnect with old online friends that have lied to me (see, this rogue Curse has always claimed to be a girl. A long time ago we were in UBRS and BWL and (s)he wouldn't get on Vent so we were saying... you must be a guy. Megan always thought Curse was a guy, i was sure she was a she. It turns out... Curse is a guy. i don't understand why he couldn't say that up front, now it feels like a betrayal). How is one supposed to trust people that aren't honest???

running realization

i have been a bad girl, i haven't run since last Thursday. Standing on my feet for nine hours straight on Saturday really took it out of me... my lower back and hips have been bothering me for the first time in months.

On a similar but related note, i just figured out for the first time why it is that i enjoy running to techno / electronica / house / trance so much, why it gets my heart pumping and makes me feel like kickboxing: because that's the kind of music they had on Alias.

hmmm

There's no use in focusing on what you can't do, just think about all the stuff you can do.
~ PastaQueen

Hmm... What can i do? Put in for another fifty jobs and hope that i get an interview; or i could try to get a job doing work study. i could keep working on my classwork or i could just stop going to class (lol, rest assured i'm leaning towards the former). i can get my butt ready to run Cto5k W1D5 or just lay here wishing the stupid WoW Test Server Downloader doesn't take so long to download patches. i could work on Beth Moore or do homework. i could watch more Inu-Yasha, or Heroes, or try to determine if Fringe and NCIS are on their respective websites yet. i could go eat a bunch of food (really would rather not and possibly reach my weight loss goal for the week). According to Mom i could go to the Vineyard tonight and try to meet guys, or let her friends try to hook me up with a nice Christian boy. i could try to pop this zit or i could leave it alone... hmm....

musings on love, depression, and 9/11

i had a weird dream this morning. i was parachuting/hanggliding/hotairballooning (it was some weird sport that combined the three) and landed in a city and it was a record, the first woman to do it long distance, plus it suddenly became a big deal because of my weight. Some hispanic female anchor said "look at all her jigglies!" and there was an animation of my supposed body fat and shape, and she went on to say how amazing it was that i could even get off the ground. Then we went to another reporter, who had fallen asleep in his seat, and was given animated eyeballs to cover it up, it was hilarious.

i was happy because i was going to see some friends that i hadn't seen in a long time (which aren't real friends, except in this dream, and turned out to be animals). There was a raccoon, snake, some kind of bird, and a brown bear, it was a kind of Kung Fu Panda thing going on, i was supposed to spar with them. Oh, and i also was finally about to go into space. But as i walked up, with all my friends standing around, Bear said something in a huff, turned around, picked up a HUGE toaster oven, and threw it into a bathtub that was full of water and an anonymous bather (only he hadn't let go of the toaster). Everyone gasped, was frozen, unsure how to save him, to stop him, the world was in slow motion... and i woke up.

The dream was so vivid, such a cacophony of subconscious musings that have been rattling throughout my head. i was so happy in the dream. i was upset by the news report, but brushed it off because i was finally going to get to see my friends again! My friends, it turned out, were rather despondent, but things happened so quickly that i couldn't focus on it and react. i had heard earlier in the dream that Bear was mad, but not depressed. Bear's depression had obviously made everyone else depressed and they no longer had any idea how to deal with him. It was as if Bear was waiting for me to get there so he could commit suicide in front of me.



i talked to Brad last night, not about anything important, but about simple things, like how school is going, like how i need to go to the gym, and how crazy it is to live with eight other people. About how he's going to enlist within the next couple of days (as soon as the military gets it's act together and schedules his appointment with the civilian eye doctor) and has a new job. He sounded happier than he has been in a long time, he's working for a friend now in construction, and he enjoys it and is learning new things. i had been worried that he might be suicidal, and was out of contact with him, but he seems to be much improved, though he still enjoys spouting racial slurs. ): i am so torn inside because i love him, but i do not love the way he's acting, and every time he stops acting like an idiot i want to forgive him for all the times that he was. But he hasn't changed enough, i can't deal with his depression and anger, and i don't know that he ever will grow out of that, i don't know if he'll ever realize what he did. Cause and effect, my love....

i know that i did things, too. All he gave me to go on was "critical" and "unreasonable" and my criticisms were reasonable (so it seemed), a reaction to what he was doing. But i got depressed, and i would react to what other people said too, would want to fight against the entire universe because it hurt so much that i couldn't handle it. The way i would get angry, and self-righteous, and critical of everything, it makes me think of how my father acts when he throws a tantrum, he abandons all logic and is consumed by anger. Is that how i was? i didn't throw anything but words, but that can be enough. i want to forget my foolish pride and self preservation and instead love and be selfless... but i don't know how to do that. How do you keep your heart open when even God has hurt you?

i'm not trying to dwell on that anymore, not any of it. No more getting offended because Brad lies to me, because of his hateful comments, because he treats me like crap (that's the plan anyway). No more thinking that God is never going to rescue me, that He will never bring me through this. i don't want this life, going to college, living at home, unemployed, but it is where God put me again. So i try to make the best of it, try to be joyful, try to have hope. Only two more semesters. i enjoy my classes! i keep wondering if i should take one of the student loans that was offered because wouldn't have to work for a while and could pay off some debts and maybe even thrive a little. Of course that would be deferring more debt for later, but it's good debt on my credit report, right?

Finally, on the eve of the anniversary of 9/11, i feel completely safe, yet still wonder if the terrorists are planning something for tomorrow. There is now WTC to down this time, i'm sure their attack would escalate to nuclear weapons, and that is terrifying. i was thinking such a thing would guarantee McCain's victory, that everyone would be patriotic and turn to God again, but not everyone agrees with me. Glenn Beck was reading about some Freedom from Religion group yesterday, pointing out that it was religion that caused the attacks (thus in their mind all religion is bad). Some biased reporter in Hong Kong feels that the Republicans caused 9/11 (how Bush accomplished this after nine months in office while the terrorists had been in the country for years is beyond me).

The truth is that the attack is everyone's fault. It's Abraham's fault for sleeping with that concubine. It's Britain's fault for those dang Crusades. It's America's fault for treating the Native Americans and slaves like garbage, using and abusing them for decades. It's the missionaries' fault for not converting the Muslims... if not for causing more harm all together (i have read about some really hateful and stupid missionaries). It's Clinton's fault for not reacting for nearly a decade. And it's Bush's administration's fault for ignoring the warning signs that had already been ignored for a decade (which also is on Clinton).

Should we close the borders of the Land of Opportunity? Wouldn't America then cease to be anything but an echo of it's former glory? In the same way, how do i close my heart to others, repelling the things that cause pain, without also losing the blessings and love that would also come in?

No one can blame 9/11 on Bush, it is too much blame for one man, it is not wholly his fault, nor it it wholly Clinton's. Centuries of hatred caused this. America has blood on its hands, but we have not been waging war for as long as the Muslim nations have. i would still like to believe that the thing that makes America great is that we learn from our mistakes, we are not set in the bad ways, we change and become greater, rise above, overcome. The Muslim nations cannot say that because they have fallen from their former glory. There was a time where they stopped killing and had great capitals of learning and respect (if my Geography professor was to be believed). Now there are far too many of them who want to kill for their Allah, and whose hearts are full of hatred. Not all Muslims are like this... but then, not all Americans are hateful either. i do not endorse the slaughtering of the "Indians," or the slavery, or the Puritanism, but those are where we came from. Look at where we are now and judge for yourself, if you can, what we have become.

new blog name

i haven't changed it in a while, but it just came to me while i was driving around town today, shopping for a hub and 32 oz. Nalgene H2O bottle (one without an emergency poncho or first aid kit, please), and listening to talk radio. Yeah, i'm all interested in politics again, after a year long sabbatical. i even stopped by the Republican headquarters in hopes of snagging a few McCain Palin bumper stickers (they don't have any yet, but apparently they're being asked for A LOT). So they asked me if i wanted to volunteer, so i may get snagged into that. i mean, why not? i don't have a job and it could lead to something else, you never know. i keep thinking of Definitely, Maybe, though i don't anticipate selling expensive tickets for dinner with McCain, writing any speeches, or getting shocked when it comes out that my candidate has had an affair (rofl). In all actuality the only reason i really decided to vote for McCain was because of Palin, and though i am feeling better about him than i used to, i'm not all gung ho about it. If it was a campaign for Josh Penry or Condie Rice, now that would be another story....

Note: it turns out that there is another blog named FreeGeek but i can't even get it to load properly. i promise you that i thought it up in town, away from a computer, and am not trying to copy anything!

"This is no time to be feeling sorry for yourself! We've got to focus on <the task at hand>; anything is possible if you want it bad enough."
~ Inu-Yasha

paralyzed, part ii

In less than a week it will be eight years....

Eight years since what, you might say, but if you have been reading, watching, observing, known me for any length of time, you probably already know, even if you couldn't have marked the date on your own. i'm going to be 26, and i feel so old, entering my late-20's. i know i'm young to so many others, but to me, when i look back at where i was, what i've done, who i've become, i feel old.

It's been eight years and i'm still paralyzed. i thought that night was freeing me, it was full of so much hope and promise, but instead it was plunging me into darkness. i used to be an optimist. Megan laughs at me, says that i was always a pessimist, but if that were so then i would not have made it the past twelve, thirteen, fourteen years. i would have committed suicide if i were a pessimist, but i held on to hope, as slight as it was. Now i feel as if i have no hope but i've come too far to change my mind, to change back to who i was, to undo what has been for what might have been.

i don't believe in killing myself, not that i think that i would go to Hell for it, but i couldn't look God in the face: i would die all over again for the shame of it, letting Him down like that for my own selfish reasons. As much as i am angry at Him i still fear Him, respect Him, love Him. i don't know how to hold on, keep going, rise above, but if i were to give up in such a final, fallible way, then i would cease to be.

We small creatures are caught in a black hole of nowness, of the sensation that the world will end if our lives are sad, or hard, or even happy, and easy. We think that death is the end. It is only the beginning. It blows the mind when one realizes how infinite the universe is, how it never ends, and never begins. i sit back and wonder how it can exist at all. God created everything, infinitely large, with one word, out of nothing, out of void, and yet He was in the void and knew. It is one of many contradictions that define Him. At that moment time began, before that there was no reason to mark it, and now time will always be marked but will someday lose all meaning. We feel the clock ticking now, but one day the clock will mean nothing.

For death will not be the end.

We will live forever and ever, whether in Heaven or Hell.

The weight of that staggers me. My mind will never stop reasoning, feeling, learning, wondering. My body will die but my new one will never fail me, even after millenia of millenia. Will we get tired of always being, way up there? Will we forget our old, lost life, or be able to relive it over and over again? Now i wonder what it would be like to be thin, to be able to see perfectly, to be blind, to be deaf, to be able to fly, will that matter at all in Heaven?

i can't go to my happy place anymore. i know, it's stupid, so Happy Gilmore, but it's important to me. The thing of it is, i usually went to my happy place when i was in church, or at class, during a particularly boring sermon or lecture. i would stare out the window, or at the ceiling, or close my eyes, and imagine myself twirling on grass, singing, walking on a beach, enraptured. That is too far away now. Now when i try to go it is tainted with what ifs, and dreams that are beyond my reach. Everything is beyond my reach. So many dreams but no talent or time or strength to accomplish them. Trying to go to my happy place makes me feel even more lonely and unhappy than i already do.

i cannot imagine being in my happy place, being in Heaven. i can imagine myself bowing before God, laying my crowns at His feet, bathing Jesus' feet with my tears and wiping them dry with my hair, flying through air, swimming through water without running out of breath, flying through space.... But those things, however true they may be, are too far away for me now. How i am ever going to get from tonight to tomorrow to next week to next year is beyond me. And it is all i have been doing for the last eight years, for hope long ago failed me. i am still a fool, and i still hold on, but i do not yet know what will be.

i wrote twenty-one months ago:

The trick to not feeling absolutely crushed is focusing on God. It's difficult to do this when i cannot see, hear, or feel Him, but i remember Him, i know Him. He loves me; i have faith that He's allowing all of this to happen to me so i can become a better person, so He can be glorified in my life, so He can use me in the way He chooses. It doesn't matter what i want, it matters what He wants.

It's so hard to hold onto that, to make sure that i hold all of that hope in my mind. Having hope is a struggle to me now. It blows me away that He trusts me enough to leave me in this place for over seven years when i feel lik i don't even have the strength to get through each day.

I'm not perfect, i'm making a fool of myself. I try so hard, but i end up trying to ignore all my hopes, dreams, and spiritual pursuits just so i can get through a day with a positive attitude. I constantly feel paralyzed, like even if i try to lift myself up off the ground it's an exercise in futility. i don't like who i am becoming, i don't see how this is glorifying Him, and it makes me impatient and angry and selfish. All i want is to serve Him and that just gets stripped away.

It's hard for me to write about this: i don't want anyone to know about the mask i still end up wearing despite my best efforts, i don't want to hurt anyone, i don't want anyone to know how weak i am when i have fought so very hard.

i read more of the things i have written here, and realize, my words are my art, and they help me even now. i am so much farther into the darkness than i was even then. My sentiments are the same, only multiplied who know how many times.

Why am i stuck here? Why can't i move on? Why doesn't my life get better when i have strained, and sweat, and cried, and bled so much??? i am still a little girl, hiding in the dark. On Grey's Anatomy tonight they said that "Fear is good, it lets you know that you still have something to lose." Does that mean that not everything is lost yet? Because i am afraid that it is lost, that i will never recover from this, that i will always be the little girl huddled alone in the dark. i want to be J.K. Rowling, Katherine Heigl, David Beckham, and i know that sounds ridiculous, but please bear with me.

David saw Victoria/Posh on tv and says: "Who is that? I'm going to marry her." Katie says that everything in her life is happening so fast that it's overwhelming, that there's so much good that it's hard to take in. Jo went through a divorce, was on welfare, and wrote the book that wouldn't do well, that wouldn't sell, and is now one of the richest people on the planet. i don't want money, or fame, just to be rich and famous; i want to be overwhelmingly happy, to be giving away my money, to be telling the world what God wants me to say and have people actually listen to me--to Him--because i'm famous.

In real life everyone ignores me, and they don't even realize it. i'll be excited about something, sharing it, and no one listens, no one cares, it goes in one ear and out the other. i'll need help, advice, have help, advice, to give, but they don't pay attention, they don't help, they don't take my help and screw themselves over in the process. i'm a nice person, but i'm not going to force you to listen to me, take my help, stop looking like an idiot. People tell me i'm too loud, then why is that so much of the time i'm inwardly screaming at the top of my lungs and outworldy whispering "Why won't anyone listen??? Did i just stutter? Should i have yelled out loud instead of talking in a normal tone? Should i have sweared, or insulted, or pulled your hair, or punched you, would that have made a difference???"

i know that there are some people who read what i write, but i still feel like i'm in a vacuum, a void. i hope you, the reader, get something out of my words, because so often i feel as if they are fruitless...

...but i have to write them.

i feel compelled to write.

i have to write.

But what do i have to say?

i've already said it.



Will i always be here, huddled in the dark? Will i ever truly fall in love? Will anyone ever fall in love with me? i have looked at men, said to myself, "He's the one," and he never was. How can a person move on when they are caged in the dark? How can they be loved when they are so ugly inside? On the outside? No matter how beautiful i am, will i always be the "fat girl"? Will i always be the girl with the lisp? Will i always be the socially backwards outsider that doesn't know how to connect with other human beings and feels miserable and hates herself for it?

i hate being sick and tired and alone and worthless. i want to be healthy, and alive, and beautiful, and loved, and a really useful woman (lol with tears streaming down my face). i'm afraid that i'll always be alone, that i'll never have children, and i know i'm not ready. i don't want my imzadi to see me like this. My hope is in God, not in a man, or a child, anyone but the Christ-child, the Messiah, the Redeemer, the Lover of my soul.

My wound is laid bare again. That is the way it should be. It hurts to breathe not because of my congestion or sore throat, but because of my need for Him. i will always need Him, i cannot stop needing Him, and that is why i wait, not because i have the strength, or wisdom, or faith, but because i have the weakness, the doubt, and the fear. i will always be His little girl.

It is four days until my anniversary. i cannot go on, i do not know His will anymore, if i was ever right, or if i have always been wrong, but i will still wait for Him, even if it takes another eight years. Do not be proud of me for that, i have done nothing at all... but give up.

shiver me timbers, i have a bone to pick

i have not been writing because i've been simultaneously avoiding feeling and trying to figure some stuff out. My life feels very uneventful. Until about a week ago i was playing World of Warcraft at every available moment, lately not so much. i was trying to level my two characters with my sister's (and so, not supposed to play alone, not that it's enjoyable to play alone) that are at the same level, and now we have all four at the same level, but she is so involved with her guild that there isn't much time for me. i have a Blood Elf Hunter and Troll Shaman that are awesome. i don't care for my Undead Lock or Draenei Pally overly much. We're supposed to start playing a Tauren Druid (me) and Tauren Shaman (her) on a RP server but there just isn't enough time in the day and i've been spending time leveling my Shammy and missing my Hunter and now i just want to play the Shammy but still miss the Hunter (can i have a Shunter or a Hammy, please?). i'm conflicted and wish i was already to lvl 70 but don't like playing alone and am sick of stinking pugs with mush for brains, or people who ninja or don't care what they agro, or being blamed for stuff that is totally outside my control. i'm tired of healing with a shammy that i want to dps with and sick of trying to get my pet to do what i want without getting the nth degree.

Ah, i have no life. And in a way i don't care. WoW every day, day in and day out, what's bad about that? (;

In RL i am working at a Hancock Fabrics that is not in such a safe neighborhood. i like my job, but it's exhausting to be on your feet eight hours straight. My manager wanted me to work five days this week and how am i supposed to do that and enable Megan to work too? Impossible, which totally negates my entire reasons for coming here. Which i embrace and fight simultaneously...

On my last night in Whitewater i was flipping mad because i felt like i was being pulled in a million directions. i started writing a poem about it but haven't been able to finish it. i am not in quite the same zone anymore and can't quite put into words what i'm feeling and working through. It just seems to me that it never works to put God first, then others, then yourself, because myself never has anything left over and what if God's needs conflict with the others'? i still end up feeling guilty and p.o.'d no matter what i do or how hard i try and then guilty that i haven't tried harder and righteous cuz i worked as hard as i could but did i really?

Which just puts pain to a lot of things i've been working through. i feel like the church has totally misconstrued God's intentions in a lot of ways, and i don't exactly know if i'm being stupid and sinful, or if i'm on to something. Am i being nonconformist for a reason? Am i truly meant to be a prophet? Or am i just being a stubborn ass who won't move in the direction my master wants me to? Case in point, the word ass is in the Bible and Red Foreman uses it so eloquently. However if the word was actually directed at myself by my father or anyone else i doubt that i'd feel amused or uplifted. But i've grappled with the idea of cursing a lot lately; i learned to curse from other Christians, and what the Bible says is not to put others down, not to not use certain words. So is not cursing at all merely legalistic?

So here's my bone to pick: why has the church become so legalistic? i feel like we're Protestants are a bunch of Pharisees and Catholics are a bunch of Saducees or vice versa. And i see such hypocricy in the church that it just blows me away and scares me. Here are a few examples:

Nudity is bad. Sex is bad (except when married). Dancing is bad and only leads to sex, so don't do it. Even when married, do not discuss sex ... So, uh, Adam and Eve must have been sinning even before they ate the forbidden fruit. God was crazy when he designed our sexual organs and therefore, by default, sex. Married people with your marital problems due to lack of intimacy and communication: go somewhere else for help. Oh, and don't get me started about the Song of Solomon or David dancing in the streets of Jerusalem.

Drinking alcohol and doing drugs is incredibly horrible! Don't even think of doing it! ... Why did Jesus turn water into wine and then later command his followers to eat bread and drink wine EVERY SINGLE TIME believers meet together?!?!?!? Come to think of it, why did he create drugs of any sort, naturally in nature, or give men the brains to make fake ones??? And is caffeine a bad drug, too? Is it a sin to have a Coca-Cola or a Java Chip Frapp? Is water or oxygen a drug, too? Because i am totally and hopelessly addicted to both, and i've tried stopping, but my body pretty much rebelled.

Card playing is bad. Gambling is bad ... We all know what happened when Jonah was dumped overboard and been swallowed by that fish. And what an awful way to have fun with your family.

Movies are the Devil's work! ... This is the same sort of mentality churches had about novels in Austen's time. My question is, why did God give us an imagination if He didn't intend us to use it? How dare we even talk to each other, tell historical tales, learn how to write letters and words in order to communicate, then learn how to write fiction! Of course several of those steps were entirely necessary in order for God's Word to be recorded in the form of a book....

Back to the sex issue: if you cut back, you'll have fewer kids, and for some reason that's what we all want. Children are a danged nuisance if you ask most people in the church and the world. Breast feeding is utterly offensive, don't do it. Babies and Toddlers only scream, send them to the nursery and pay people to care for them instead of coming to worship themselves. Children are loud and obnoxious, send them to public school so you can get them out of your hair. Don't teach them anything, don't trust them, don't raise them to be Christ-like, expect them to rebel and whine about it when the don't listen to you or get in trouble. Try to control their life throughout high school and college (when it's too late), tell them not to get married until they hit at least 25 (they're too young to know what they want out of life), then badger them until the age of 30 to get on the ball and give you grandkids, then chew them out at the age of 35 when they won't stop having them. Make sure that they know that the career is what's most important, that and perpetuating the cycle that was created before your own time ... DON'T HAVE BABIES AT HOME, DON'T TEACH KIDS AT HOME OR RAISE THEM IN gODLY LIVING, DON'T YOU DARE TELL THEM HOW TO LIVE OR TRY TO RAISE THEM ON YOUR OWN, YOU'RE TOO DUMB!!! ... Meanwhile abortion is bad, birth control WAS bad (but is now expected of you), children are the bane of existence (have i mentioned). How about we let the entire Human species die out or start figuring out how to clone people instead? Oops, but then people wouldn't have souls. WHAT IS GOING WRONG WITH YOUNG PEOPLE TODAY, THE LITTLE WHIPPERSNAPPERS HAVE NO RESPECT!

rofl... No wait... <the writer lets out a piercing scream of horror and fear>...

God made us to appreciate sex, enjoy sex, desire sex, have sex to procreate, have sex to bond with our spouse, and that's it (but i imagine it must be pretty great, all the same). CHILDBIRTH IS NOT A DISEASE, it was what the female body was designed to do, and if it doesn't it can get sick. God designed breasts for feeding babies and the formula makers are only formulating pale copies of the perfect real deal. Children are supposed to be raised by their parents, not figuratively blind teachers who are either underpaid and doing it cuz they love it or are one of those who could not find anything better to do with their lives. Children are a blessing from the Lord and it is up to Him how many children He gives or takes away. Anyone that has a heartbeat has a soul, so yes, abortion is murder. Respect must be given and earned to be received, how about you give love and start acting like an adult and we'll take it from there?

Sarcasm is the recourse of a weak mind ... Complaints against sarcasm are the recourse of those who can't come up with a good retort or face reality.

A couple of weeks ago i was watching an old Homicide:Life on the Street rerun and one of the characters said that you have to know your weakenesses/sins and love them because they're a part of you, too. He said that unless your vices rub against your virtues and are tested then they are worthless (paraphrased, of course). His words rang of truth; how can you know that you truly believe something if you've never questioned it? i am nowhere near as eloquent as him right now, but surely you get the gist: assuming makes an ass of u and me.

We are meant to read God's Word for ourselves and discern for ourselves in which way that God wants us to live. We are meant to live for God alone, and not ignore our own needs, or put others' needs before His, or be selfish and/or rebellious about giving our time and efforts. Where does Jesus tell us to start being legalistic, bind ourselves to new man-made holy "law"s, or ignore His example? i don't know if i could ever be the mouthpiece of God, but i am terrified by the trends that i see in today's church. The most important Law is "Love Your Neighbor as Yourself," but how can you love your neighbor if you hate yourself and how can you love yourself if you hate God's will and vision for your life?

In many ways i have hated the past seven years, nine months, plus, of my life. Others are always trying to sabotage my service of God, and yet i have been completely dependent on others for survival. i hate it when others judge where i am by with worldly yardsticks and yet i find myself doing the same thing. At every turn i question God, i try to understand, i beg Him to explain, i beg Him to deliver, i beg Him to answer me, i beg Him to take care of my needs instead of making me depend on others' grace. Two thought-provoking verses from last week's Bible study stand out in my mind in answer to these questions.

The first is John 1:5: "The light shines in the darkness,
and the darkness can never extinguish it," or, "...and the darkness has not understood it." This suddenly made perfect sense to me in many ways. In my minds eye, the past seven plus years have been spent in a cage, one of God's making. i lament my inability to see Him, feel Him, escape (ironic, when all i want is to be with Him, isn't it?), and have struggled to comprehend the events of my life. i can see myself naked, curled up in the dark, my eyes blinded, my body broken. But at the same time there are times when it is as if i can feel my skin on fire, on fire in a good way, a tickling, itching, new skin growing way. i can feel the star on my forehead, reflecting God's light, picture in my mind's eye the barcode on my neck that has been marked Paid in Full / It is Finished by Jesus, savor the sting of the trinity circles that are also tattooed into my wrists and soul, and feel the itch of the flaming wing that lie nestled in my shoulder blades, longing to burst into life. i sound like a fool, but i know that these marks are a part of me, whether they have been marked on my earthly skin and can be seen on earth or not, i believe that when i stand before Jesus that everyone will be able to see them as i can feel them, etched into my very being. i am wearing a tiara, just like an elf in LotR, and one day i will lay it at His feet, but the burns, reflections, light, will still remain.

So if all of these marks remain with me, and i can still not hear, touch, see, feel Christ, God, the Spirit, what then is the explanation? But as i read John 1:5 i knew, deep within, it is because my body is not capable. God is with me in the cage, but He is the bars that keep out the dark and keep me safe. The Spirit is with me in the cage, He is the air i breathe. Jesus is with me in the cage, knows that i long to anoint his feet with my hair, even if my hair is/was gone and i cannot touch him, He is the light i cannot see, a black light that i will never be able to physically perceive but can feel etched into soul and spirit and mind and flesh. If anyone looks at me with God-given spiritual eyes they will see me as i am, wrists marking that i belong to Christ, a neck marking my freedom, wings waiting to fly, and a crown that will be given to God someday. My body is a cage, but one day i will be freed of my residual self image and see myself as i really am, that is to say, how God sees me, his mental projection of my spiritual self.

The other verse that struck me was not part of my Bible study, it was quite by accident. Ever since i got a cover for my Bible i have kept its bookmark ribbon squarely on the same verse: Proverbs 3:5-6. When i close my Bible i usually pull the ribbon down (towards the bottom of the pages) so that the Bible will close smoothly. Last Tuesday i actually turned to that page, which isn't unusual, but i actually read the verses. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will direct your paths."

The world's, and church's, and my epidemic is thus: we do not trust God, we try to depend on our own understanding. Most of us, i believe, must not really want to see God as He truly is, rather as we want to see Him. People have a small view of God and don't want the ceiling of their cathedral to be broken open, for cathedral ceilings are majestic enough as it is. But what of me? i asked God to show me Himself as He really is, not as i want Him to be, and yet even i am still clinging to my old version of Him. i see the sky, and sometimes the stars, but He wants me to look past the stars. Now i cannot possibly comprehend what is past the stars, but sometimes i try to, sometimes i am quiet and still and for a few thundering heartbeats i see God as He really is and cannot comprehend it, and then He closes my mind off again before it explodes. But even with my mind closed i struggle to see past the boxy cathedral and reach for those stars, knowing that they represent God in a tangible way, for He not only created them in the instant of one breath, He is the stars and lives between them and lives beyond them forever and to the nth dimension.

God put me in this cage as surely as He has caged my mind. People tell me that my husband is not ready for me yet, that is why i have not met him yet, and i know they are wrong. i am not ready for Him, i feel as if i am, but God tells me that i am not, so i know that it is true. He has caged me because the world is not ready to hear what i have to say, rather, what words He will say through me if i ever prove to be worthy enough to whisper them. i am caged because i am not ready to fly, and if i leave the nest i will die. i am caged because of the beast that prowls outside as a lion, seeking to devour me (1 Peter 5:8).

Oh, that God would put a coal to my mouth and cleanse my lips! i would take it in my mouth like Harry's snitch to cleanse my tongue, throat, lungs, if i could. i am forever crying out, "Here am i, send me!" but God is still too far away for me to comprehend. And now i see, plain as day in front of my face, that i'm not supposed to be trying to comprehend, i'm supposed to just believe and seek His will. Who can really seek His will by taking the Bible out of context, create new Laws, twist His teachings, and shield their heart against the starlight? How can i seek Him unless i let go of my understanding and do His bidding no matter what the cost. Meanwhile, i'm still a WIP.

wow

27 days until Deathly Hallows and 17 until Order of the Phoenix!!! i can't believe it, it seemed like it would never come, and now it feels like it's coming really fast. i can't wait to read the book, and i wonder if the movie will do the book any justice.

interesting song

Linkin Park was on Jimmy Kimmel again tonight (rerun) and i remember noticing this song the first time (i've probably heard it other times, too). i like their lyrics and wonder if i should check out more of their songs.


Linkin Park What I've Done Lyrics

Night of the Lepus - reviewed at All Consuming

i’d been wanting to see this movie for a long time, but it’s hard to find, and i finally rented it from Netflix. When i saw the Matrix with my brother-in-law he pointed out that it’s playing on the tv when Neo is talking to “there is no spoon” boy in the Oracle’s living room. He told me that it was filmed in Ajo, Arizona… which is kind of true.

i grew up in Ajo and only recognized that they were actually in Ajo during one scene, when all the cops were driving through the town’s one light next to the Plaza. The characters would talk about the “university” in Ajo and then show UofA, which is in Tucson and is upwards of a three hour drive away. i did recognize that the desert is typical of southern Arizona (in one scene A Mountain appeared to be in the far background). In one scene it looked like the “highway” that a character was turning into was actually Ten Mile Wash (a huge wash that crosses the highway ten miles outside of Ajo city limits). i don’t know of any gold mines in the area, though there are some near Yuma the mine in Ajo is copper. The drive in movie may have actually been Ajo’s, but that was torn down before we moved there. On the wall at the sheriff’s station is a map that does appear to be of Ajo, but it only shows some of the streets and doesn’t even depict the huge open pit mine, Rasmussen, or the five acres area. The airport may have been Ajo’s and i think i recognize the location where the picnicing family was mauled as being a picnic area near the shooting range. But not much of this movie was filmed in Ajo at all, though they mention the town a lot. A lot of the scenes were filmed at the junctions of highways 82 and 83, which is actually southeast of Tucson between Nogales and Sierra Vista near a town called Sonoita.

Of the movie itself: they actually do a good job of making the rabbits look huge (considering when this was filmed): they aren’t particularly scary though, and of course we have to have the obligatory “huge” footprint in the dirt for the 150 pound bunny (all the people i know who weigh 150 don’t leave tracks like that!). The dialogue and plot is predictable and campy (as i would also expect of the period). Worth a look see i guess, especially if you come from Arizona.

The funny thing about rabbits in conjunction with Ajo is that if you drive from Gila Bend to Ajo at night during the summer you are quite likely to see upwards of one hundred rabbits commit suicide in a forty mile stretch. The stupid buggers run for the headlights and are of course ran over and there is nothing you can do to avoid them. So perhaps a better way to deal with a desert overrun with rabbits is not to poison them or give them hormones: it’s to go cruising late at night with your friends. (;

yawn

i just left Juco to come to work. San Jac won (hurray!).

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix will now be premiering two days early, on July 11th. The Leaky Cauldron has news about how Rowling has translated the title for book six... very interesting. In the news today (and on TLC as well) a woman is mad because she can't get the Harry Potter books banned from the local school library. She seems to think that everyone's kids are becoming witches. These people really tick me off, for crying out loud, it's make believe, not real, and if it was real to ban these books would be an infringement upon freedom of religion. i don't believe than any books should be banned, no matter what their content is. But if you're gonna ban Harry Potter we might as well ban The Lord of the Rings, Eragon, The Chronicles of Narnia, all fairy tales, mythology, most Disney films, etc. and ad nauseum. For crying out loud, Rowling is a Christian.

On a totally different note, i found out this week that Orlando Bloom is a buddhist. ): He's so cute, and a great actor, and Will Turner is so noble, why's he have to go all weird on me like that? Apparently he's in a sect that some consider to be a cult. It's not like i had a chance with him anyway, but it sort of ruins the effect for me. Oh well.

where i stand (rather, grovel)

So i've been feeling lonely, which is actually somewhat unusual for me. When i'm around people i still feel alone anyway, rarely feel anything but misunderstood and an outcast. i have this crazy inability to feel like i'm actually part of a group or know how to act in one. Sometimes i try so hard to fit in, but it never works, particularly because i am a non-conformist to the depths of my marrow and it always feels forced. i've understood since preschool that it's better to be what God wants you to be than your peers. Even when i want to make people happy it so rarely coincides with what my conscience and intuition are telling me that i always have to ask myself who i should please... God, others, or myself. i don't want to hurt anyone, but how am i supposed to have it every way? i can't.

i don't expect what God is doing in my life to make sense to anyone when it doesn't really make sense to me. For several years now i have embraced the concept that most of the world is mundane, that is to say, they don't pay close attention to God and the spiritual warfare that we are surrounded by. Perhaps this is how God intends most people to be, to be blind to the darkness so they are not afraid. i am not so inclined and am grateful for what he has unlocked in me, even as i live in fear. Many people would probably label me as depressed, maybe even disturbed, but that is not how i think of myself. i am blessed and i am cursed at the same time, and i am happy for it, because i do not want to go back to the way things were... Which is fine, because i don't think i could even if i tried.

i have been called a Drama Queen. To me, this seems an unfair assertion, as i am very easy going, i often roll with the punches instead of making a fuss, and i am not the type to scream or faint while watching the hero grapple with the archenemy: i would instead join in the fight. i am not one to overreact because i am usually too accepting and complacent: i don't fight against what i should, i let people walk all over me rather than cause a fuss, i don't stand up for myself. But things in my life are not so physical as in Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, or Pirates of the Caribbean; what fight against is not understood by the world, and is rarely perceived by human eyes. i fight against the darkness, and i cannot take up a sword, or a wand, etc., i have only my beliefs, my feelings, ideas, and hope. i have only God's Word and God's truth.

It is true, i feel things (emotions) deeply. i am very empathetic: if someone is suffering, i feel their pain as if it is my own, i want to help them. Sorrow can be nearly paralyzing, but it is also empowering. i have long felt that one cannot truly know joy unless one knows despair, nor can one really have hope or faith unless it has been challenged. That is what i am going through, something which some would call a "Dark Night of the Soul," a time like Job went through in which Satan is allowed to do what he will and God is far away. i have no home or barn that could be razed, and i have no children, but it is as if i have the worst luck when it comes to jobs, supporting myself, and keeping a running car. i have no wife to torment me (ha, i would have a husband, but still) but to me it is worse that i have no husband at all. i have no friends to tell me how this is all my fault, but family and acquaintances have done just as bad from time to time. i do not fault anyone in this, it simply is. There was a time in which i didn't care what happened to me, that i was grateful that God thinks that i am strong enough to withstand this, but now i just wish it were over. The past seven and a half years have been extremely difficult, and i have begun to be afraid that i am not strong enough for the task, that i will fail.

It seems to me that people don't really understand this, and as such label it as depression, or something trite. To me, this hurts, but as i have said, i probably take offense too easily. People try to make light of what i'm going through, and i guess i'm like Mary Jane and assert that no one knows what i'm feeling. It's probably true to an extent, i doubt that many have been through this, though prophets and heroes in the Bible are obviously some who have. Others in history that i think this apply to are Joan of Arc and the Lady Jane Grey, but these are rare names that stand out in history. How many people have lived and died by their faith in today's world? Most people live their lives as if God is impersonal and far away; to me He is as necessary as oxygen or water and though He may not be physically tangible i see Him in everything around me, nature, books, movies, casual conversations, music, the news, the list goes on. To me, God has always been evident throughout each day, so to see Him at work around me while simultaneously feeling cut off from Him and caged is torture. i feel like i can't serve Him and am angry with Him even as i long to feel His touch again. Worst of all is trying to talk to Him when it seems like i'm being ignored and that prayer is hopeless.

i know Satan is lying to me. It looks like he is winning in this country, in the world, and i want to fight back, but it's not in my power. This isn't about what i want, it's about what God wants, and what He wants is not something i really understand. Why should i have to wait when i am ready to do whatever it takes? Even Jane ruled for nine days and Joan won many battles before they were imprisoned. i have never had the chance to pursue my dreams, i have yet to begin to fight, which is what makes this so hard. i don't want to watch a hero fighting for me, i want to help him, but i am not even allowed to fight. i have to withstand the taunts and insults that are hurled at me.

i struggle with this on many levels. i don't want to give the darkness power over me. The mundane do not understand what i'm going through, probably think i'm making it up or being overdramatic. How can i witness at all when i am full of so much despair and anger towards God, that i'm having to go through this and am feeling so misunderstood, when i'm supposed to always be ready to give a reason for my hope? It's hard for me to read the Bible right now, to see all of God's promises and then see how devoid my life is from that hope. i still believe every word, i know my Redeemer is faithful and true. How do i reconcile this? Because i recognize Satan, how he loves to twist truth into lies, and i know that my faith is being tested. If they aren't true in my life right now are they never true? No, they are always true, but sometimes we have to wait. And as much as i hate it, i still lack patience.

i feel like a fool to hope, but still i do it. The entire world tells me that i am stupid, but i know it's not true. Things are hard, but God will bring me through it because that is what He has promised, to never leave me or forsake me. i am tired, body and soul, and i cannot explain it, but it is true. It has always been true and always will be.

i wish i could write more, but i'm too tired to make sense right now.

stuck in my head all weekend long

the King and his men stole the queen from her bed ~ and bound her in her bones ~ the seas be ours and fight the powers ~ where we will we'll roam

yo ho ~ all together ~ hoist the colours high ~ heave ho ~ thieves and beggars ~ never shall we die
~ Hoist the Colours, from Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End

i saw Pirates of the Caribbean at World's End!

The last time around i was more than a little surprised and at first i wasn’t sure if i liked or disliked the movie. i was so mad when Elizabeth kissed Jack, absolutely irate, not because of what happened to Jack, but because of what it did to Will. It gave Jack a chance to show his bold side, even if he hadn’t chosen that course of action. But Dead Man’s Chest gradually grew on me, for all it’s silliness and over the top humor, i couldn’t help but appreciate it the more i saw it.

This film has a surprise ending but without the negative shock value of the last, even though it is sad. i don’t think that i would have chosen this ending, and i’m actually surprised that i didn’t figure out the twist sooner, but i am still content with the film, even with how the Will/Elizabeth relationship is concluded. With more Jack than i was expecting i would have thought that the movie would seem more ridiculous, but somehow it worked for me. Norrington and Governor Swan come to satisfying conclusions for me as well, though also sad.

There is a lot more piracy going on in this film, even Will and Elizabeth start taking part in the back stabbing. The battles and locations are awe inspiring on a new scale, and even the lunacy seems to make sense. But not everything is fun and games this time around, everyone seems more serious. i feel so badly for Davy Jones in the end! For a while i wasn’t sure who i should root for, who i wanted to win, how i wanted things to end up, because the only noble ending was sad for so many beloved characters. Who would have ever thought i would be rooting for pirates anyway? i, for one, do not lack a moral center, but here the edges are blurred, the plotlines intertwined, i am going to need another viewing or two to take it all in and figure it out. But i’ve discovered that seeing any ship be blown apart really takes it out of me, no matter which side is being defeated. The film provides and interesting twist on pirate history and brings it around for a good conclusion while leaving the possibilities open for more sequels…

p.s. When you see it don’t forget to stay around for the “ten years later” at the end of the credits.

un

i don't know what to call this blog anymore. i've thought about going back to on fire, or dark fire, or refering to Enya's song Pilgrim, but i don't know what to call it anymore. A lot of thoughts and emotions have been rattling around in my head and heart over the past couple of weeks. For a while i was eager to hear news that my nephew had safely arrived. Then i was debating whether or not to keep attending Mesa State or apply at Full Sail. i've been working six days a week. i keep getting headaches from my allergies. Imus was fired. The shooting at Virginia Tech happened. Everything is unbelievable, i am undone, i am unashamed to say that i am afraid and worried and yet unconcerned and wanting to ignore it all. What am i supposed to say about so much evil and silliness and stress?

i have nothing to say. i have everything to say.

i was supposed to be writing a paper, but i couldn't, so instead i wrote a huge diatribe against high school and higher education in general. i don't know if i should publish it here or not, but it seemed clear to me at the time that i had no business going back to school. i couldn't write a stupid paper, i was exhuasted and sleep deprived and sick, so i stayed home for about a week, sleeping as if i were dead every morning. i worked so hard and felt so much that i couldn't even think of trying to go to school. And by the time that was all over it was really too late to return, i was guaranteed a C at best in all my classes, most of which i was already barely scraping a C, and i just couldn't decide whether or not i should go back to my teachers on my hands or knees or not.

Actually, that isn't quite true. i had decided with my diatribe, but i was miserable, fighting an inward battle, against what i wanted to do and what i should do. i figured out what my gpa would fall to if i got one c and three f's, two c's and two f's, three c's and one f's, so on and on, beyond hope of actual achievement, and realized that i would rather flunk all of my classes than continue the next five unbearable weeks only to achieve c's anyways in subjects that i knew were a waste of my time. i am not at school to get good grades, all though an A is something i always strive to attain, but my purpose in continuing my education is learning, and i have learned more at work and in real life over the past few semesters than i have in class.

Amid all of this i watched the Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions (the latter for only the second or third time ever) and identified strongly with Neo, who kept seeing Trinity falling. The Oracle told him: "We can't see past the choices we don't understand." Then on another tv show (i can't remember which one, which is so odd) one of the older characters said to one of the younger characters that choices are only painful when we've already made up our mind but haven't come to grips with the choice yet. So i finally decided that i should just follow my heart and not go back, was immediately filled with relief, and actually read a book instead of stressing about life. i won't default on my loans or be put on probation. i have next semester to bring my grades back up if that's what i choose. But it was stupid for me to work full time and do school full time at the same time, and i knew it, but i did it anyway. A man cannot serve two masters...

So life has been halfway normal, as normal as it can be when i work graveyards. The news has been ridiculous. Anna Nicole Smith's baby has a father finally. Imus get's fired for exercising his free speech, and he didn't even use any swear words (i'm not saying that he should have said what he did, but he's been saying inflammatory stuff on the air since before i was born). i can see that freedom of speech is going the way of the dinosaur. The shooting at Virginia Tech happens, and i can see that the right to bear arms is going to be next. That's why i'm so scared. i listen to Glenn Beck every morning as i leave work and totally agree with him, so what can i say here that he hasn't said already? This country is a ticking time bomb, and i can't figure out if it's terrorist who have their finger on the trigger, the media, or the politicians.

Does it matter? The world as we know it is still going to end. i can taste it in the water. i can smell it in the air. i can feel it on my skin. And it terrifies me. Is this why i'm single, why i'm not making babies? Woe to the women with child and breastfeeding... But i still want to get married and make lots of babies anyway. It's better to get married than to burn... And i know that i'm not being overdramatic. i know it's going to come because Jesus said it would in Matthew 24. And i don't care if i have to die for my beliefs, even though i've always believed that i will be raptured, it doesn't matter to me if the Tribulation starts tomorrow, or a hundred, or a thousand years from now. All i want to do is serve God in whatever way He wants me to.

And as if all the things in the news weren't enough to freak me out, last week when i was driving to work the moon was gold and then slowly went behind a cloud and it looked really freaky. And then when i got to work i saw a ufo. I'm not saying it was aliens or anything, it may have been ball lightning for all i know, but it was something unidentifiable. There was a blue ball of light that silently flew over my head and into the clouds, and the clouds flashed as if with unseen lightning, and it was gone. It all happened in just a couple of seconds, if i wouldn't have looked up when i did, i would have missed it. The ball moved so fast that i have no idea how big it was, i just know that it couldn't have been a plane or helicopter or satellite or anything i'd ever seen up close before.

So, now that everyone probably thinks that i'm certificable, that's what's going on with me. i've applied at Full Sail, i'm trying to save money, pay bills, live life. i don't know if i'll be moving to Florida come fall, but if i do i'll be closer to Megan (it's about a 4 1/2 hour drive according to Google). i'll miss my family of course. i'll be doing what i've dreamed about for so long. But it's up to God. All of it is.

Truth, Integrity, Love, Hope, Life

Today (or, rather, yesterday now) Glenn Beck was talking about honesty and integrity, which according to a new poll is the first thing voters look for in a candidate. He talked about when he came to a point in his life (during his mid-30's, i believe he said) in which he began to ask himself what contribution he had made to society. Then he points out Paris Hilton and Nicholle Richie and asked what contribution they have made... which in his opinion (and mine) is none at all.

i'd never been able to put my finger on this before, the way he said it. His arguement is that honesty and integrity are no longer held in high regard and it's true: this has plagued me my entire adult life. People are no longer rewarded for honesty, they're rewarded for taking credit for other's work. People no longer have integrity, they delight in living for the weekend, the party, the sex, the booze, the drugs. i am such a weirdo because i am honest, i do have integrity, and it constantly gets me into trouble. It gets President W into trouble, makes him hated by the world, but it's why i voted for him twice. This is why i love the movie V for Vendetta but could never explain it: some part of it elluded me. It wasn't only about freedom, it was about honesty and integrity, just as Val said, but i never could put it into words like Beck did... Beck the Mormon. Val the lesbian. V the terrorist. Evi the coward.

i'm so unhappy with my life. This week is spring break, and it almost feels normal, bearable. Trying to work all night, go to school the next day, and find time to sleep--let alone do my homework--it's not working. i'm overwhelmed, i'm so guilty because my schoolwork is suffering, but i don't know how to find the strength to do this. My schoolwork is boring, except for one class. i've already missed class so much this semester that i must attend ever single class in order to get an A in them (assuming that i get A's on all of my work). American Lit is totally uninspiring, the teacher in Geography puts me to sleep, Grammar is boring, and British Lit, the last class of the day, the one i have the least strength left over for, is my favorite. i always feel trapped like this by the time finals come around, but the entire semester? That's a new low, even for me.

i wish i wasn't in a dead end job. i wish i could follow my heart and pursue my dreams. Right now i really want to move to Orlando to attend Full Sail, but what if i get there and can't pay for it or can't keep up with the workload. i wouldn't be able to work, how could i get the money? Should i be going to school anymore at all, working towards a career? But what if i'm single for the rest of my life, would i be happy where i am now? No, i know the answer is no. How do i wait for a future that may never happen, hasn't happened in the past seven years, without feeling like i'm letting God down, sinning? Shouldn't i at least attempt to become a screenwriter, producer, director? i've gotten my liberal arts education here, now all i need is a major to specialize in, would it be a waste of money for me to change schools now? But i wouldn't have heard of Full Sail if it weren't for me being in the Art building every day last semester and i wouldn't actually be thinking about going if i hadn't had to take that flight in order to go to APFD's wedding.

Moving to Florida would take a leap of faith. i don't have the money if financial aid doesn't cover it, i'd have to find an apartment because they don't have dorms, i probably wouldn't be able to have a job because of their unusual class schedules... But i would be able to earn a Bacherlor of Science in two years time, would be learning at a pace that sounds perfect for me, would be working in the field that all my career dreams are hung on. i don't know how to talk about this with my parents, have no friends to ask, have family obligations that i'm not free from... And there's always a question of when i would go. May, July, August? Probably be better to work over the summer and go later, but i want to go as soon as possible.

i'm ready now, have been ready for what feels like so long, but if i'm to do this i have to get through the semester, and right now i don't know how to do that. How do i hold on? That's always the question for me, how to hold on. My hands are bloody and sting from wiping away my salty tears, but still i put on a smile and keep on trying. And now i sound depressed and self damaging or something, but i'm not, i'm just overwhelmed and still afraid of the dark. But i'm becoming numb to it all, which may be scariest of all... for the dark to become normal, the light no longer yearned for, believed in. i believe in God but i don't expect Him to rescue me. And then He sends me a song from my friend Amber, and still i don't believe it. Why would he leave the 99 for me when He hasn't already, after all this time?

i was talking to Him earlier tonight, singing the Kry's Take My Hand, asking Him for the hundredth time how i'm supposed to take a step towards Him when i can't see Him, how i'm supposed to take His hand when i never let go and can't find it in the dark. Is Full Sail what He wants for me or what i hope He wants for me? i don't know anymore. i was reading Dagger last night, updating it for the first time in three years, and the words still felt true, still felt powerful, and i don't have the faith to believe like that anymore. i've fallen so far, into this abyss, in this cage.

i still don't know what to do. If i can, i think i'll move to Orlando and go to school. If i can't, i might as well drop out and try to figure out what story i should be writing to get out of this job, to support myself. i have no stories anymore, why can't i write anymore? i think it's because i don't believe Him anymore, but then, i don't hear His voice. i miss the whisper so badly. Somehow, i must find the strength to get through this, but i still contend that i'm not strong enough on my own.

Friday night i started singing Nichole Nordeman's Oh Great God, it just popped into my head out of the blue, and i got mad at Him for a second. She won a contest to make her first CD and her lyrics don't reveal that she has understanding of the truth that i have known for over a decade... She sings, "There have been moments where I could not face Goliath on my own," when the reality is that we can never face Goliaths on our own. In To Know You she sings, "It might be easier to dream ~ but dreaming's not for me," how dare she! It's not easy to dream, it's never been easy to dream, and yet He asks us to. How do i continue to dream after all i have been through, how do i continue to take His hand and walk? i don't know if i really can anymore, and i'm so mad at myself for letting Him down like that, for giving up on Him. How dare i??? How dare i give up on my faith? But i don't know how to believe anymore, after all i've seen. i have walked my faith and talked my faith and been a fool for my faith and all for nothing. Do i take Him at His word again, believe that He will provide for me in Florida, the state i have never wanted to live in? It was one of my "Never"s, perhaps this truly is His will.

i'm trying to read my Bible again, i finally got through Numbers, it was so hard and i was beginning to think i never would. i made a stupid deal with Him that if i finished reading my Bible then He would have to make me an actress. i still haven't finished my Bible; i have about twelve books left. Maybe i should put my nose back to the stone. At least it's not depressing anymore.

Lady in the Water

i love Signs, i love the Village, and i thought this movie would not be nearly as good but i was wrong. This movie is incredible. i loved the humor, loved the story, felt for Hess, and was trying to guess what was going to happen next the entire the time. Shyamalan still has the ability to keep me guessing and amaze me with how touching and thought provoking and lovely his films are. i cannot wait for his next project.

Prison Break, Season 1

i finally got to see the escape! i was actually very surprised by how many episodes that i saw when this show originally aired. i think i only missed five episodes tops. This show is really good, though at times a tad unbelievable. i am now seriously crushing on Wentworth Miller and watching the special features was really interesting, the different techniques certain actors used to develop their characters especially. Now i can’t wait for season two to come out on dvd because i know that i missed most of the first half: i think i saw it twice. i’m really excited about it coming back January 22… which just so happens to be my first day back at school too.