i have not been writing because i've been simultaneously avoiding feeling and trying to figure some stuff out. My life feels very uneventful. Until about a week ago i was playing World of Warcraft at every available moment, lately not so much. i was trying to level my two characters with my sister's (and so, not supposed to play alone, not that it's enjoyable to play alone) that are at the same level, and now we have all four at the same level, but she is so involved with her guild that there isn't much time for me. i have a Blood Elf Hunter and Troll Shaman that are awesome. i don't care for my Undead Lock or Draenei Pally overly much. We're supposed to start playing a Tauren Druid (me) and Tauren Shaman (her) on a RP server but there just isn't enough time in the day and i've been spending time leveling my Shammy and missing my Hunter and now i just want to play the Shammy but still miss the Hunter (can i have a Shunter or a Hammy, please?). i'm conflicted and wish i was already to lvl 70 but don't like playing alone and am sick of stinking pugs with mush for brains, or people who ninja or don't care what they agro, or being blamed for stuff that is totally outside my control. i'm tired of healing with a shammy that i want to dps with and sick of trying to get my pet to do what i want without getting the nth degree.
Ah, i have no life. And in a way i don't care. WoW every day, day in and day out, what's bad about that? (;
In RL i am working at a Hancock Fabrics that is not in such a safe neighborhood. i like my job, but it's exhausting to be on your feet eight hours straight. My manager wanted me to work five days this week and how am i supposed to do that and enable Megan to work too? Impossible, which totally negates my entire reasons for coming here. Which i embrace and fight simultaneously...
On my last night in Whitewater i was flipping mad because i felt like i was being pulled in a million directions. i started writing a poem about it but haven't been able to finish it. i am not in quite the same zone anymore and can't quite put into words what i'm feeling and working through. It just seems to me that it never works to put God first, then others, then yourself, because myself never has anything left over and what if God's needs conflict with the others'? i still end up feeling guilty and p.o.'d no matter what i do or how hard i try and then guilty that i haven't tried harder and righteous cuz i worked as hard as i could but did i really?
Which just puts pain to a lot of things i've been working through. i feel like the church has totally misconstrued God's intentions in a lot of ways, and i don't exactly know if i'm being stupid and sinful, or if i'm on to something. Am i being nonconformist for a reason? Am i truly meant to be a prophet? Or am i just being a stubborn ass who won't move in the direction my master wants me to? Case in point, the word ass is in the Bible and Red Foreman uses it so eloquently. However if the word was actually directed at myself by my father or anyone else i doubt that i'd feel amused or uplifted. But i've grappled with the idea of cursing a lot lately; i learned to curse from other Christians, and what the Bible says is not to put others down, not to not use certain words. So is not cursing at all merely legalistic?
So here's my bone to pick: why has the church become so legalistic? i feel like we're Protestants are a bunch of Pharisees and Catholics are a bunch of Saducees or vice versa. And i see such hypocricy in the church that it just blows me away and scares me. Here are a few examples:
Nudity is bad. Sex is bad (except when married). Dancing is bad and only leads to sex, so don't do it. Even when married, do not discuss sex ... So, uh, Adam and Eve must have been sinning even before they ate the forbidden fruit. God was crazy when he designed our sexual organs and therefore, by default, sex. Married people with your marital problems due to lack of intimacy and communication: go somewhere else for help. Oh, and don't get me started about the Song of Solomon or David dancing in the streets of Jerusalem.
Drinking alcohol and doing drugs is incredibly horrible! Don't even think of doing it! ... Why did Jesus turn water into wine and then later command his followers to eat bread and drink wine EVERY SINGLE TIME believers meet together?!?!?!? Come to think of it, why did he create drugs of any sort, naturally in nature, or give men the brains to make fake ones??? And is caffeine a bad drug, too? Is it a sin to have a Coca-Cola or a Java Chip Frapp? Is water or oxygen a drug, too? Because i am totally and hopelessly addicted to both, and i've tried stopping, but my body pretty much rebelled.
Card playing is bad. Gambling is bad ... We all know what happened when Jonah was dumped overboard and been swallowed by that fish. And what an awful way to have fun with your family.
Movies are the Devil's work! ... This is the same sort of mentality churches had about novels in Austen's time. My question is, why did God give us an imagination if He didn't intend us to use it? How dare we even talk to each other, tell historical tales, learn how to write letters and words in order to communicate, then learn how to write fiction! Of course several of those steps were entirely necessary in order for God's Word to be recorded in the form of a book....
Back to the sex issue: if you cut back, you'll have fewer kids, and for some reason that's what we all want. Children are a danged nuisance if you ask most people in the church and the world. Breast feeding is utterly offensive, don't do it. Babies and Toddlers only scream, send them to the nursery and pay people to care for them instead of coming to worship themselves. Children are loud and obnoxious, send them to public school so you can get them out of your hair. Don't teach them anything, don't trust them, don't raise them to be Christ-like, expect them to rebel and whine about it when the don't listen to you or get in trouble. Try to control their life throughout high school and college (when it's too late), tell them not to get married until they hit at least 25 (they're too young to know what they want out of life), then badger them until the age of 30 to get on the ball and give you grandkids, then chew them out at the age of 35 when they won't stop having them. Make sure that they know that the career is what's most important, that and perpetuating the cycle that was created before your own time ... DON'T HAVE BABIES AT HOME, DON'T TEACH KIDS AT HOME OR RAISE THEM IN gODLY LIVING, DON'T YOU DARE TELL THEM HOW TO LIVE OR TRY TO RAISE THEM ON YOUR OWN, YOU'RE TOO DUMB!!! ... Meanwhile abortion is bad, birth control WAS bad (but is now expected of you), children are the bane of existence (have i mentioned). How about we let the entire Human species die out or start figuring out how to clone people instead? Oops, but then people wouldn't have souls. WHAT IS GOING WRONG WITH YOUNG PEOPLE TODAY, THE LITTLE WHIPPERSNAPPERS HAVE NO RESPECT!
rofl... No wait... <the writer lets out a piercing scream of horror and fear>...
God made us to appreciate sex, enjoy sex, desire sex, have sex to procreate, have sex to bond with our spouse, and that's it (but i imagine it must be pretty great, all the same). CHILDBIRTH IS NOT A DISEASE, it was what the female body was designed to do, and if it doesn't it can get sick. God designed breasts for feeding babies and the formula makers are only formulating pale copies of the perfect real deal. Children are supposed to be raised by their parents, not figuratively blind teachers who are either underpaid and doing it cuz they love it or are one of those who could not find anything better to do with their lives. Children are a blessing from the Lord and it is up to Him how many children He gives or takes away. Anyone that has a heartbeat has a soul, so yes, abortion is murder. Respect must be given and earned to be received, how about you give love and start acting like an adult and we'll take it from there?
Sarcasm is the recourse of a weak mind ... Complaints against sarcasm are the recourse of those who can't come up with a good retort or face reality.
A couple of weeks ago i was watching an old Homicide:Life on the Street rerun and one of the characters said that you have to know your weakenesses/sins and love them because they're a part of you, too. He said that unless your vices rub against your virtues and are tested then they are worthless (paraphrased, of course). His words rang of truth; how can you know that you truly believe something if you've never questioned it? i am nowhere near as eloquent as him right now, but surely you get the gist: assuming makes an ass of u and me.
We are meant to read God's Word for ourselves and discern for ourselves in which way that God wants us to live. We are meant to live for God alone, and not ignore our own needs, or put others' needs before His, or be selfish and/or rebellious about giving our time and efforts. Where does Jesus tell us to start being legalistic, bind ourselves to new man-made holy "law"s, or ignore His example? i don't know if i could ever be the mouthpiece of God, but i am terrified by the trends that i see in today's church. The most important Law is "Love Your Neighbor as Yourself," but how can you love your neighbor if you hate yourself and how can you love yourself if you hate God's will and vision for your life?
In many ways i have hated the past seven years, nine months, plus, of my life. Others are always trying to sabotage my service of God, and yet i have been completely dependent on others for survival. i hate it when others judge where i am by with worldly yardsticks and yet i find myself doing the same thing. At every turn i question God, i try to understand, i beg Him to explain, i beg Him to deliver, i beg Him to answer me, i beg Him to take care of my needs instead of making me depend on others' grace. Two thought-provoking verses from last week's Bible study stand out in my mind in answer to these questions.
The first is John 1:5: "The light shines in the darkness,
and the darkness can never extinguish it," or, "...and the darkness has not understood it." This suddenly made perfect sense to me in many ways. In my minds eye, the past seven plus years have been spent in a cage, one of God's making. i lament my inability to see Him, feel Him, escape (ironic, when all i want is to be with Him, isn't it?), and have struggled to comprehend the events of my life. i can see myself naked, curled up in the dark, my eyes blinded, my body broken. But at the same time there are times when it is as if i can feel my skin on fire, on fire in a good way, a tickling, itching, new skin growing way. i can feel the star on my forehead, reflecting God's light, picture in my mind's eye the barcode on my neck that has been marked Paid in Full / It is Finished by Jesus, savor the sting of the trinity circles that are also tattooed into my wrists and soul, and feel the itch of the flaming wing that lie nestled in my shoulder blades, longing to burst into life. i sound like a fool, but i know that these marks are a part of me, whether they have been marked on my earthly skin and can be seen on earth or not, i believe that when i stand before Jesus that everyone will be able to see them as i can feel them, etched into my very being. i am wearing a tiara, just like an elf in LotR, and one day i will lay it at His feet, but the burns, reflections, light, will still remain.
So if all of these marks remain with me, and i can still not hear, touch, see, feel Christ, God, the Spirit, what then is the explanation? But as i read John 1:5 i knew, deep within, it is because my body is not capable. God is with me in the cage, but He is the bars that keep out the dark and keep me safe. The Spirit is with me in the cage, He is the air i breathe. Jesus is with me in the cage, knows that i long to anoint his feet with my hair, even if my hair is/was gone and i cannot touch him, He is the light i cannot see, a black light that i will never be able to physically perceive but can feel etched into soul and spirit and mind and flesh. If anyone looks at me with God-given spiritual eyes they will see me as i am, wrists marking that i belong to Christ, a neck marking my freedom, wings waiting to fly, and a crown that will be given to God someday. My body is a cage, but one day i will be freed of my residual self image and see myself as i really am, that is to say, how God sees me, his mental projection of my spiritual self.
The other verse that struck me was not part of my Bible study, it was quite by accident. Ever since i got a cover for my Bible i have kept its bookmark ribbon squarely on the same verse: Proverbs 3:5-6. When i close my Bible i usually pull the ribbon down (towards the bottom of the pages) so that the Bible will close smoothly. Last Tuesday i actually turned to that page, which isn't unusual, but i actually read the verses. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will direct your paths."
The world's, and church's, and my epidemic is thus: we do not trust God, we try to depend on our own understanding. Most of us, i believe, must not really want to see God as He truly is, rather as we want to see Him. People have a small view of God and don't want the ceiling of their cathedral to be broken open, for cathedral ceilings are majestic enough as it is. But what of me? i asked God to show me Himself as He really is, not as i want Him to be, and yet even i am still clinging to my old version of Him. i see the sky, and sometimes the stars, but He wants me to look past the stars. Now i cannot possibly comprehend what is past the stars, but sometimes i try to, sometimes i am quiet and still and for a few thundering heartbeats i see God as He really is and cannot comprehend it, and then He closes my mind off again before it explodes. But even with my mind closed i struggle to see past the boxy cathedral and reach for those stars, knowing that they represent God in a tangible way, for He not only created them in the instant of one breath, He is the stars and lives between them and lives beyond them forever and to the nth dimension.
God put me in this cage as surely as He has caged my mind. People tell me that my husband is not ready for me yet, that is why i have not met him yet, and i know they are wrong. i am not ready for Him, i feel as if i am, but God tells me that i am not, so i know that it is true. He has caged me because the world is not ready to hear what i have to say, rather, what words He will say through me if i ever prove to be worthy enough to whisper them. i am caged because i am not ready to fly, and if i leave the nest i will die. i am caged because of the beast that prowls outside as a lion, seeking to devour me (1 Peter 5:8).
Oh, that God would put a coal to my mouth and cleanse my lips! i would take it in my mouth like Harry's snitch to cleanse my tongue, throat, lungs, if i could. i am forever crying out, "Here am i, send me!" but God is still too far away for me to comprehend. And now i see, plain as day in front of my face, that i'm not supposed to be trying to comprehend, i'm supposed to just believe and seek His will. Who can really seek His will by taking the Bible out of context, create new Laws, twist His teachings, and shield their heart against the starlight? How can i seek Him unless i let go of my understanding and do His bidding no matter what the cost. Meanwhile, i'm still a WIP.
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