i had a weird dream this morning. i was parachuting/hanggliding/hotairballooning (it was some weird sport that combined the three) and landed in a city and it was a record, the first woman to do it long distance, plus it suddenly became a big deal because of my weight. Some hispanic female anchor said "look at all her jigglies!" and there was an animation of my supposed body fat and shape, and she went on to say how amazing it was that i could even get off the ground. Then we went to another reporter, who had fallen asleep in his seat, and was given animated eyeballs to cover it up, it was hilarious.
i was happy because i was going to see some friends that i hadn't seen in a long time (which aren't real friends, except in this dream, and turned out to be animals). There was a raccoon, snake, some kind of bird, and a brown bear, it was a kind of Kung Fu Panda thing going on, i was supposed to spar with them. Oh, and i also was finally about to go into space. But as i walked up, with all my friends standing around, Bear said something in a huff, turned around, picked up a HUGE toaster oven, and threw it into a bathtub that was full of water and an anonymous bather (only he hadn't let go of the toaster). Everyone gasped, was frozen, unsure how to save him, to stop him, the world was in slow motion... and i woke up.
The dream was so vivid, such a cacophony of subconscious musings that have been rattling throughout my head. i was so happy in the dream. i was upset by the news report, but brushed it off because i was finally going to get to see my friends again! My friends, it turned out, were rather despondent, but things happened so quickly that i couldn't focus on it and react. i had heard earlier in the dream that Bear was mad, but not depressed. Bear's depression had obviously made everyone else depressed and they no longer had any idea how to deal with him. It was as if Bear was waiting for me to get there so he could commit suicide in front of me.
i talked to Brad last night, not about anything important, but about simple things, like how school is going, like how i need to go to the gym, and how crazy it is to live with eight other people. About how he's going to enlist within the next couple of days (as soon as the military gets it's act together and schedules his appointment with the civilian eye doctor) and has a new job. He sounded happier than he has been in a long time, he's working for a friend now in construction, and he enjoys it and is learning new things. i had been worried that he might be suicidal, and was out of contact with him, but he seems to be much improved, though he still enjoys spouting racial slurs. ): i am so torn inside because i love him, but i do not love the way he's acting, and every time he stops acting like an idiot i want to forgive him for all the times that he was. But he hasn't changed enough, i can't deal with his depression and anger, and i don't know that he ever will grow out of that, i don't know if he'll ever realize what he did. Cause and effect, my love....
i know that i did things, too. All he gave me to go on was "critical" and "unreasonable" and my criticisms were reasonable (so it seemed), a reaction to what he was doing. But i got depressed, and i would react to what other people said too, would want to fight against the entire universe because it hurt so much that i couldn't handle it. The way i would get angry, and self-righteous, and critical of everything, it makes me think of how my father acts when he throws a tantrum, he abandons all logic and is consumed by anger. Is that how i was? i didn't throw anything but words, but that can be enough. i want to forget my foolish pride and self preservation and instead love and be selfless... but i don't know how to do that. How do you keep your heart open when even God has hurt you?
i'm not trying to dwell on that anymore, not any of it. No more getting offended because Brad lies to me, because of his hateful comments, because he treats me like crap (that's the plan anyway). No more thinking that God is never going to rescue me, that He will never bring me through this. i don't want this life, going to college, living at home, unemployed, but it is where God put me again. So i try to make the best of it, try to be joyful, try to have hope. Only two more semesters. i enjoy my classes! i keep wondering if i should take one of the student loans that was offered because wouldn't have to work for a while and could pay off some debts and maybe even thrive a little. Of course that would be deferring more debt for later, but it's good debt on my credit report, right?
Finally, on the eve of the anniversary of 9/11, i feel completely safe, yet still wonder if the terrorists are planning something for tomorrow. There is now WTC to down this time, i'm sure their attack would escalate to nuclear weapons, and that is terrifying. i was thinking such a thing would guarantee McCain's victory, that everyone would be patriotic and turn to God again, but not everyone agrees with me. Glenn Beck was reading about some Freedom from Religion group yesterday, pointing out that it was religion that caused the attacks (thus in their mind all religion is bad). Some biased reporter in Hong Kong feels that the Republicans caused 9/11 (how Bush accomplished this after nine months in office while the terrorists had been in the country for years is beyond me).
The truth is that the attack is everyone's fault. It's Abraham's fault for sleeping with that concubine. It's Britain's fault for those dang Crusades. It's America's fault for treating the Native Americans and slaves like garbage, using and abusing them for decades. It's the missionaries' fault for not converting the Muslims... if not for causing more harm all together (i have read about some really hateful and stupid missionaries). It's Clinton's fault for not reacting for nearly a decade. And it's Bush's administration's fault for ignoring the warning signs that had already been ignored for a decade (which also is on Clinton).
Should we close the borders of the Land of Opportunity? Wouldn't America then cease to be anything but an echo of it's former glory? In the same way, how do i close my heart to others, repelling the things that cause pain, without also losing the blessings and love that would also come in?
No one can blame 9/11 on Bush, it is too much blame for one man, it is not wholly his fault, nor it it wholly Clinton's. Centuries of hatred caused this. America has blood on its hands, but we have not been waging war for as long as the Muslim nations have. i would still like to believe that the thing that makes America great is that we learn from our mistakes, we are not set in the bad ways, we change and become greater, rise above, overcome. The Muslim nations cannot say that because they have fallen from their former glory. There was a time where they stopped killing and had great capitals of learning and respect (if my Geography professor was to be believed). Now there are far too many of them who want to kill for their Allah, and whose hearts are full of hatred. Not all Muslims are like this... but then, not all Americans are hateful either. i do not endorse the slaughtering of the "Indians," or the slavery, or the Puritanism, but those are where we came from. Look at where we are now and judge for yourself, if you can, what we have become.
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