ugh

Yesterday was horrible. Today i have cramps. i don't want to get out of bed but i'm getting very hungry.

i don't know why, but i have gradually started agonizing about Brad again. i'm not depressed, just regretful as ever. i don't understand why, he has treated me horribly and when he left stopped making me happy. But i still miss him, still care about how he is doing, and no matter how hard i try cannot get over him. There are so many logical reasons for me to be relieved that we didn't work out, little ways that we did not mesh well, problems that i was willing to overlook. i have come to the conclusion that i loved him more for what he could become than what he was, though i was certainly blind to some of what he is. He apparently couldn't accept my body for what it is and considers himself to be completely blameless in the matter, will listen to no criticism whatsoever. i am the one who is a crazy b#&%$, unreasonable, critical, etc. i never thought that it was unreasonable to be critical about being treated like crap. Still, i feel like i am missing something, as if something must be my fault, but i can not discern it at all.

It almost feels like a betrayal on my part not to be emotionally bereft anymore. How can i say that i truly loved him when i broke up with him, am trying to ignore all the hurtful things he still says to me, am desperately searching for a way to move on??? But i do love him, even as i hate what he did, and i did in response, and yet i feel utterly justified and glad that i did it. It's all mixed up, i can't articulate it, i can't even understand it in my own head. It's time to get up now, maybe i'll try again when i feel better.