So i still don't have any money. No one has called me back for an interview, my background check still hasn't gone through, and being told every day to "come back tomorrow" for my dispersement check (the money left over from my grants, i don't know why they call it that) has made me want to cry. i was having a good day until i had to change after unhitching the trailer (i got grease and rotting plant parts all over myself). i was patient during the drive into town despite the fact that i kept getting stuck behind people who insist on driving 10-15 miles under the speed limit (which is a ticketable offense, btw, it's called impeding the flow of traffic). Then i get here and find out that i still have to wait for my check.
Rush Limbaugh just told off a guy who said he was a hypocrite for being okay with the pregnancy of Sarah Palin's daughter. He responded that we (conservatives) love people even when they make mistakes repeatedly. Teenage pregnancy is more in line with Repbulican ideals than Democratic ones, really, since we don't believe in birth control (other than abstinence) or abortion. i wish the media would stop calling the seventeen-year-old young woman a kid, she's obviously taking responsibility for her actions if she's keeping the child and getting married to the father of her baby. i'm sooo sick of hearing about this story, especially the "her daughter is the real parent of the baby with Downs Syndrome" angle.
The latest news that i heard from Brad is that... i'm critical. Because it's so out of character to criticize someone who treats you badly and breaks all their promises. :rolleyes: The truth is that he takes everything that i say out of context and takes offense when i'm joking around in guild chat and not even talking to or about him. In fact, i've been trying not to offend him, never initiate conversations with him (he usually tells me to not talk to him), and have been trying my hardest not to love him or care what he's doing. But he always ends up hurting my feelings and setting me off on depressing rants. Which of course he never sees because he ignores me or logs off. So i try to take the high road and he pushes me into the mud and i wallow in it for a while.
i hate being depressed. And i'm mostly depressed because i'm thinking about him. i'm trying not to want to be with him anymore, i'm trying to tell myself that the relationship is over for good. i can't wait around for him to grow up and get a clue. i'm not supposed to want the man (pfft, boy) i love to change. i'm supposed to love him for who he is. Unfortunately at this point i am broken and desperate for anyone's affection, i am trying really hard not to wish that i was pregnant. i mean, that would be a mess, i can't even take care of myself, but in my twisted mind at least i would have something to show for the relationship... besides heartbreak.
In Sunday school this last week we ended up talking about me the entire time... not something that i planned or wanted, but whatever. There was only the teacher's wife and another female MSC student visiting, so at least i didn't fall apart in front of everyone. The teacher's wife, she suggested keeping a journal of ways that God has taken care of me/blessed me. That's hard: every positive has a negative attached to it that seems bigger. For instance, i finally get my check tomorrow (hah, i've heard that before, we'll see if it's even true)... i should have had it weeks ago, and i have a shopping list that's going to take it all, and then i'm broke. i can't find a job!
All things considered, i'm surprised that school isn't depressing me. There's so much mind numbing reading to do, that i can't absorb, that takes hours of each day, that isn't fun. i like my teachers and classmates, i don't feel berated and despised for my beliefs anymore, and that is definitely a plus. But even with school only two days a week... can i have a job and get my homework done? i have my doubts, except for the FedEx job, which doesn't appear to be happening. i just saw that Papa John's is hiring delivery drivers and paying $14-17 an hour! Which is a far cry (read: 3x as much) from what i was making the first time i worked there. i wonder if they would even hire me back? Gas costs so much, would it be worth it?
Argh, i hate getting all worked up like this. A diatribe that took me half an hour to write... and i still need to go back home and do my reading.
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