i am a virgin

Yes, you read correctly, i am a twenty-five year old virgin, and i don't think there's anything wrong with it. i'm proud of it. And yet i wish that i weren't anymore: it's not that i want to have lost it in some one-night-stand, or had a dating relationship or crush that i would have realistically dreamed of letting get that far, i just assumed that i'd be married and be having kids by now. Never in my wildest dreams would i have suspected that i would a virgin at the age of twenty-five.

On Nightline a few nights ago was a story Teen Girls 'Date' Dad, Pledge Purity. i didn't watch it, but a coworker said that it was sick (as in unhealthy for people to save themselves, i think). The girls at the ball... most of them looked to be about twelve to fourteen years old to me. Upon reading the article it seems that experts are complaining because these girls aren't being educated about safe sex. They think that 88% of the teens will break their promises.

Upon looking up the word virgin at Yahoo Groups i did not find a single support group for virgins in the top 100 search results: most of the groups were for catholics or witches. So i looked up "virgin message board" and "virgin support group" on Google and once again found nothing: the top search results are always for Virgin Media in one form or another.

There was one message board thread where a twenty-five year old man said that he's a virgin and can't get women to pay attention to him. Most women said that was okay, most men said derogatory things and "hire a hooker," but one twenty-year-old guy said he was a virgin and had turned down women in the past and his girlfriends always respected him for that.

Virginity at Wikipedia linked to the Virgin Files, a fairly new blog written by a twenty-eight-year-old virgin, which is heavily populated with sex terminology and themes. Even though she is purportedly a virgin her mindset doesn't seem to be that she's trying to stay pure... i learned things there that i never wanted to know. She has quite a few comments considering how new her blog is.

It recently occurred to me (sometime within the past month) that i cannot be considered a prude imvho because no one has ever asked me out, dated me, kissed me, made a move, propositioned me, etc. i am not overly modest... i don't like showing my cleavage off but if i weighed about eight-five pounds less i do not think i'd have any inhibitions about showing a little tummy or wearing a bikini. i am simply not a flirt; i've tried letting guys know that i'm interested but without fail they are unavailable or uninterested. In an ideal situation i want the guy to be the initiator (which has been expounded upon to the point of boredom in this blog, i am sure). There was one guy who asked for my number one time (who was very fat) but upon calling me (once) he wanted to consider us to be going steady without even asking me on a date (once).

As to the question of sex drive... yes, i definitely have one. Looking at cute guys has turned me on from time to time, and in every case they were fully clothed, showing their chest at the most, or perhaps wearing a bathing suit. Lately i've found myself getting worked up over practically nothing, and i have no outlet for my passion. i have committed myself to not having any form of penetration (other than a tampon) until i'm married, so i don't get much satisfaction in bed. i don't look at photos of nude guys, or porn, and i try not to imagine being in bed with any real guy at all... which i must admit sometimes is very hard as my mind can have the tendency to run away on me.

But i have never wanted to be with a man outside the confines of a marriage relationship. After i get married i imagine that i'll be more adventurous in bed than some but not as adventerous as others. i happen to think that my sex drive is healthy and high, which can be very frustrating. i've never been kissed, held hands, let alone had an orgasm. The guy who's gotten farthest with me is my father (who for some reason doesn't know what the appropriate level of fatherly affection is). What upsets me the most is that i'm alone. i'm glad that i'm a virgin, there's no one in my past that i would have wanted to lose it to anyway, but i'm unhappy being single. i don't think i'm ugly, or unpleasant to be around, or clingy. i know i have my issues, but i'd like to think that i'm very low maintenance. It takes a lot to wound me to the point where i won't forgive you: all i ask for is a simple "i'm sorry."

i know i have my issues, i know i'm not perfect, but why am i alone when so many people out there aren't? Is it too much to ask for just one guy to spend the rest of my life with? i don't have to have kids right away, i just want a man to share the journey with, to be a helpmeet to. My mom always despairs that her daughters want to have a career but the truth is that i don't really want one, but if i never get married i have to support myself somehow and i certainly do not want to spend the rest of my life as a sub wrapper, or pizza deliverer, or MCO. My dream is to make an impact in the world, certainly, but i would be happy to simply be the mother or wife of the next Abraham Lincoln, or Martin Luther King Jr., or Billy Graham. i don't have to have a career, but i have a feeling that i will always be unhappy if i never fall in love, get married, and make kids.