searching for a husband

Looking for Love Like a Peasant

Subversive Virginity

For months i have been trying to figure out what i did wrong in my one and only dating relationship (HA! there was no dating involved). My ex was utterly uncommunicative on this point, he merely let me know that being interested in how he is doing is "nagging" and being honest about how i feel and expecting him to treat me with respect is "excuses." i keep seeing these ads for an e-book that will reveal how to catch and keep a man... i just get the nagging feeling that the man who wrote the book is saying that all failed relationships are the woman's fault. i don't want to pay to read that; i can't afford to.

So the Christian sites say to be modest... check. Feminine... not my strong point, but i am trying. Though i have always wondered what the point is in wearing makeup, curling your hair, etc., when you're only hiding the real you and i happen to like the way the real me looks save for the fact that i wish i weighed a lot less. i cannot control this, i didn't do anything to gain the weight, and all my attempts to lose it have proven to be an utter failure, even now when i am working so very hard at it. i don't understand the dating game, i have no prospective men in my life, i have no idea what to do, only that i am still far to obsessed with my ex and am wondering why, if "giving up" is supposed to be the answer then i still haven't found anyone??? After all, i never pursued dating relationships in high school or beyond, i never was trying as it was, and i did give up for a long time, which completely broke my heart, so if i'm damned if i do and damned if i don't then what am i supposed to do???

How are you supposed to live your life for what it is today when you have... nothing? i am a peasant, what do i bring to a marriage? i can't find a job. My education will bring nothing to a marriage, i learned how to be a wife and mother from my mother and grandmother. How am i supposed to live the life a wife and homemaker when i have no husband or home? Such a supposition is utterly ridiculous!

One of the articles i read tonight said that you don't need to wait for God's timing to find a husband, that one isn't single because they aren't spiritually ready yet... then why am i still waiting? Why is it that only one eligible male has displayed interest in me throughout my entire adult life, and he obviously didn't really want me and for some inexplicable reason felt like destroying my already fragile self esteem? No, i do not count the attention of the one "Wiccan/Christian" guy that was recently introduced to me because he is in no way eligible.

i don't have a bunch of things that i have accomplished, things i can bring to a relationship, because the one relationship i had never really was one. He didn't reciprocate my feelings, emotionally abused me, never took me on a date or treated me as if i were special. i hate talking about him this way, i keep searching for some explanation (surely there is a reasonable one), but i can't find it. The truth is that he hid my existence from his family and friends, broke his promises, and used me. Sure, he made me laugh, he gave me hope, he came to meet me, but it wasn't enough. A lady needs to know that she is respected, cherished, protected, etc. i still haven't found that.

Where am i supposed to find a guy? Another article suggested going to sports bars, taking night classes, learning how to play poker, and other loads of tripe. i don't like football, i don't want a leering, half drunk male. College has gotten me nowhere with men. i don't gamble. While it is true that i would like to marry a man who is educated, why would i use college as a dating service? i'm there to learn (one can only hope).

i am so tired of waiting. i do not want to hear that it will happen for me eventually, i have already been waiting for over a decade. i do not want to reach the age of thirty only to discover that i am still single and childless. i am not accomplishing anything by being single, i am not able to travel the world, party all night, or anything else that is utterly unfulfilling. i hate being a virgin, i hate burning and trying not to burn and being so stupid as to think that random men and movie stars might one day swoop down and make my waiting worthwhile. If it hasn't happened in the past decade then why would it suddenly happen once i turn 27? It's all such utter b.s. It doesn't matter if i'm thin or fat, if my hair is long or short, if i wear feminine clothing or masculine, none of it has ever gotten me anywhere. i have never had a prospective mate and not for lack of trying (it is now clear that with my ex i was only fooling myself because he did nothing to imply that he actually wanted to marry me).

How is it good for anyone's self esteem to always be the one wanting and never the one wanted, or if i was ever wanted, why have i never ever been pursued? i am so tired of pursuing everyone and everything, God, a husband, a friend, a healthy body, happiness, a story to write, a job, a ministry, anything to make my life worthwhile. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" (Proverbs 13:12), and as a result i am very, very sick. Everything in my life is deferred, i am continually waiting because everything that i pursue, sweat, bleed, and cry for, never ever comes to fruition. i'm living in my parent's attic with thousands of dollars of debt trying to get an education and be selfless, serving the needs of others, how is it helping?

How can i have such horribly bad luck? But i don't believe in luck. "Delight yourself in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4)... only He doesn't. When have i ever gotten the desire of my heart? The last time i can think of was in preschool when i got to be the bunny rabbit in the stupid Christmas pageant, how does someone devote over twenty years of service to God and not get any of their heart's desires fulfilled?!? i feel like i've wasted my entire life, but what was i supposed to do? i love God, i adore Him, i will do anything for Him that He asks, and what have i gotten for it?

i don't want to be selfish: i just want to find a way to survive. i am tired of being depressed, of wondering if i'm going crazy when i feel so sane and normal. i am tired of being so alone when i'm trying so hard to make friends and fulfill others' expectations. i try so hard to fulfill God's expectations, even though i really have no idea what they are anymore. i am so lost. i am exhausted.

Is it too much to ask for a little reward for my hard work?