changes

i am now back in CO and have limited internet access. i have my first interview tomorrow, and have yet to hear back from KJCT (they said that there was possibly and upcoming opening and now nothing). On one hand it is very nice to be back and see my family, and i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but... i'm feeling cut off. The family modem apparently doesn't transmit wirelessly (even though there's a wireless light and antenna) and right now we can only have my computer or the family computer connected to the internet. i haven't gotten to speak to my friends, i haven't gotten to raid in over a week, and i really miss watching InuYasha every night. To top things off, Abby broke my mouse (by stepping on the usb transmitter, which is the same exact thing that happened at Christmas, only that time they were jumping on the bed). The next couple of days is supposed to be a family campout, and i'm staying behind to try to find a job, so hopefully i will be able to raid tomorrow and Wednesday at the very least. i feel like i'm letting the guild down when i can't get on.

Last Tuesday i flew from Atlanta to Phoenix to Denver. It was all very much a God-thing in that for both flights i barely got through security and boarded with only a couple of minutes to spare (not late enough to make me freak out, but definitely no wait around time). i didn't sleep for over 24 hours and barely had anything to eat at the airports. i did have Coca-Cola on the flights (yum), but no peanuts or pretzels! What's the world coming to? It also turns out that everyone is required to pay for the bags they check now. What a hassle.

On Wednesday Mom, Dad, and i went to the CO History Museum, Denver Art Museum, and Brown Palace. i was sooo tired from all the walking, both at the airports and downtown. Thursday i did dailies and watched Home Improvement reruns, then ate lunch at Subway and lugged my computer to a school park to wait for Dad's conference to end (Mom was also in attendance). It was a long week.

Thursday i was definitely starting to feel the loneliness. i actually sent Brad some text messages, which he has of course ignored. i found out during the drive to Atlanta that he is enlisting after all, he's just going to finish another year of college and go in a summer later than planned. i miss him a lot, and wish there was some way to patch up our friendship at the least, but he is apparently not interested. Everyone keeps telling me that i'm better off alone, but that's not how i feel. i know that there are some real jerks out there that i don't want to be with, but i hate being alone and am always alone and it's depressing. Colbie Caillat's song Battle just keeps running through my head ("why aren't you sorry, why aren't you sorry, why?")... i cannot make heads or tails of why he became so hostile towards me. He promised to never hurt me and definitely broke that promise. i just don't understand what was so horrible about people knowing about us (why should he be ashamed of me?) and why he thought it was okay to treat me that way.

On the way home from Denver it occurred to me, people treat me like junk (to put it nicely), and if i object that somehow makes me the bad guy. i have been struggling with this a lot lately, the overwhelming need i have to defend my reputation and deny people's accusations/statements (usually quite vehemently). Should i remain silent and deny myself instead? No one else ever defends me. The people i expect to be loyal aren't.

People here are so quick to anger and take offense. i am so tired of trying to worry about not offending anyone. i'm an adult and still can't do what i want to do, what makes me happiest (as happy as i can be when alone and God is still silent). This is why i didn't want to move here, because my feelings and beliefs are either irrelevant or considered deviant. Everyone expects me to apply here, go there to socialize, when i am tired, and don't want it to be dictated where i go. i don't feel like going out and acting like things are normal, i need to collect my thoughts and rebuild and move on. But of course there is no time for that, i must do what is expected of me. Go to bed early (take drugs that i can't afford since i can't sleep), get up at the crack of dawn, remain silent when others are rude, and do absolutely nothing to cause offense (even when i have no idea what it will be ahead of time).

If i allow myself to think i get so depressed. Sure, it's fun playing board games/cards, and throwing a ball around with Katie, and reading stories to Polly, but my body hurts and so does my heart, and it's only getting worse again being cut off from friends and things that i enjoy. i don't know what to do.