lost in the dark

At night, when it becomes dark, and everyone has gone to bed, and the efforts of the day are once again proven to be in vain, i succumb to the dark. No one wants to listen to my rants, i do not want to give voice to them, but there are times in which they cannot be contained. All i see is darkness, none of my efforts will ever bring me any success. i curl into a ball, or stretch myself out face down on my bed, and as my body is racked with sobs i call out to God. Even more maddening is when i try to watch a tv show, or movie, and it is talking about exactly what i am going through, but there are no answers in it for me, or maybe it does give me hope, but what good does that do me? i am still alone and God is still silent and seems far away.

In the morning i feel better. The night's terrors do not grip me as strongly. There are moments when i remember, i long for something more, i regret, but i am not consumed by it, i do not cry. The morning brings me enough strength to get up, keep eating, keep breathing, but when darkness comes i may be lost to it again. During the day, all the hard things that happen to me, i try to laugh at them instead of cry, but when i try to seek help, or confess what i am feeling, people only tell me to stop qqing (whining/crying).

Maybe i should be on medication. Maybe i should just give up on God, since eight and a half years of seeking has not done anything but push me farther away from Him. His promises have not been fulfilled. It seems like it would be easier to die than to live through this, but suicide would not end it either. Then i would have to see God face to face and what could i say??? i would fall on my face and be silent and still be paralyzed with grief. i cannot live like this, cut off from Him, unable to succeed at anything that i have sweat and bled and cried for. The truth is, that in the morning my despair sleeps, but i can still feel it eating away at me, and i know that no matter how hard i try, without God i am still doomed to fail.