hmm...

i was reading a book in my Mom's bathroom last night, it was about lies that Christian women tell themselves/fall for. One was "I can't take this anymore." i'm intimately familiar with this one, as i've been at a rock bottom that keeps falling out from under me to find new lows for nearly a decade. i just realized that while i had been thinking that i haven't felt the Spirit in eight and a half years, it's actually been nine and a half. i stopped keeping track somewhere along the way, but this Christmas it will be ten years.

i've been reading some of my old writing, from back when this had all started but i was still full of hope. i boldly declared things that the Lord was going to do for me, messages of prophecy that i was sure were from Him. Those things never came true, not in the way that i stated them, and i doubt they ever will. Did i hear the message wrong? Am i a false prophet? There are times when i hear someone say something, or a sermon in a Church, and i want to yell out, to tell everyone, That isn't true! Usually it's when i know what is being said is taken out of context, or misinterpreted, but sometimes i have nothing clear to point to except the sixth sense that i have for understand what is inerrant truth and what is just a bunch of hot air.

i never yell out loud. i rarely tell someone they're wrong. i don't want to be confrontational and i most certainly don't want to confront anyone based on my feelings. How am i supposed to really know that these feelings and opinions are of God if He doesn't reassure me that i am getting a message from Him? Sometimes i think i know that He's using something to talk to me, but i don't know, it's entirely subjective and i must rely on my own wisdom, which--let's face it--is fallible. i don't witness very much anymore, my writing is not what it used to be, and i am not at all certain that i will ever find a story to tell. i lack the confidence that i will get through this, and keep on focusing on the feeling that i can't. The book told me that was wrong, but i don't know.

Why would i want to depend on my own strength? That seems to go against everything the Bible says. The book said to depend on God's grace because it is sufficient (i don't remember the reference for the verse), but what do you rely on when you seem to be cut off from God's grace??? i never wanted everything in my life to be easy, as the book presupposes, i just want God to lead me through the valley of the shadow of death. Even the book and my parents' pastor say to look to God for strength... What do you do when you can't see, hear, feel, touch, God??? i am blind and deaf and experience sensory deprivation and all i can do is cry out for help.