Brad Dobbs is the biggest jerk in the universe and i am stupid enough to be hopelessly and unconditionally in love with him. The stupid idiot got drunk last night and spent the entire night whining to Megan and me about how i broke him, and his life is a dead end, and everything is my fault. (Allow me a second to frame my sentences in a somewhat clean manner....)
He just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand that leaving me, and then proceeding to be rude every day for two months, and shutting out my every attempt to reach him, is utterly his fault. He could have stayed, but he chose not to. He chose to leave. He chose a lousy job and to act like a child instead of being an adult and actually making good choices. It's all on him.
i don't know what i did wrong, but i'm still stupid enough to love him and want to be with him. He apparently doesn't care that he's still using me and still being a jerk. i would still give anything to be with him. i am stupid enough to regret retaining my virginity and wish that i was pregnant or living with him, anything but being alone like this. i have absolutely no reason to live if his love is lost. My relationship with him was the only thing that kept me going ever since the beginning of the year. i have absolutely no reason to live. i can't get good grades in school, i cannot find a job, i cannot support myself, i have no friends, i have no future.
i wasn't looking for a replacement for God, i was just looking for a friend and husband, someone to spend the rest of my life with. But the trouble with God is that he's just as much of a jerk. i have spent the past eight (edit: nine) and a half years in Hell, trying desperately to find Him, searching with all that i am, and He only mocks me. Every time i open my Bible: "do this," and "I have promised this to my faithful... except for you, you don't count." i GIVE UP!!!!
i have no reason to live w/o God. i have no reason to live w/o even one true friend that's my age or someone who will actually love and cherish me. When my relationship with Brad started, Mom told me to guard my heart, i can't do that. The moment i guard my heart is when i cease to trust God, cease to love selflessly, cease to be Christlike and turn into the person that no one wants to be around. No one wants to be around me, not really, because i'm fat and whiny and a failure and depressed. So i look for companionship (forget help, that never comes), and just get emotionally raped by everyone i have ever loved or trusted. And i have to let them do it or it makes things worse!!! i can't turn my back on God, or my parents, or my aunts and uncles, or my grandparents, or my siblings, or my friends, or the man i love. i'm just screwed and wishing that there was some way to end this unbearable pain, but there isnt'. Suicide wouldn't help, ignoring it doesn't help, trying to make it better doesn't help, no matter what i do i am FUCKED by everyone. i'm a burden and no one wants to be around me and every breath, every thought, hurts.
Why doesn't God love me? Why doesn't He answer when i call, or help me, or rescue me??? EIGHT AND A HALF YEARS of darkness that will never end. Broken promises, and apparently not a drop of love for me. How can He leave me here to languish like this? Why doesn't anyone care when all hope is lost? No one has any answers for me, i followed everyone's advice, it only makes matters worse! i did something selfless, i poured out my heart to him, and now he doesn't remember, he doesn't care.
Am i so worthless and despicable that even the God of the universe will not answer me as i cry out to Him??? i am so stupid, even now i believe in Him and him, i still love them with every heartbeat, with every fiber in my being, and they only keep on turning their back on me, or worse, spite my devotion and supplication. i have no reason to live. i have no reason to write. i have no reason to try. i wish i wouldn't have broken up with Brad, i'm such an idiot, anything is better than being alone and hated, but that was where i was before i broke it off, too. He left me, he didn't love me, he didn't want me. i want to scream at him, slap him senseless, pound on his chest, i want to do that to God, too....
i gave all that i had to offer, and they spit on me and scorn my gift. And i am stupid enough to want them back, to still believe, to still hope. What reason is there to live, or eat, or breathe, or feel, when i am not reaching the lost, or starting a family, or sharing my life with the ones i love, or doing anything productive??? i was stupid to believe that any man could ever love me, that God cares enough about me to do anything to help me, that i could ever be anything but caged in the dark.
Give me the drugs so i don't feel, so that i am not this ugly person anymore, the one that no one wants to be with. Let me die in my sleep so i will not have to dream about babies i will never have because their father hates me. Tear out my heart so i will no longer fill this pain or try to dream of a better life. i give up--there is no reason for me to breathe, or live, or love, or think, or plan, or try--i am already dead.
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