musings

i never thought i would be the one to leave him. i have always secretly feared that my own emotional baggage might be the reason i would end up alone... It doesn't exactly make me an attractive find. But the fact that i was the one who finally said it was over, instead of him saying to my face that i am "nagging and unreasonable and fat so it's over" is a small kindness. Yes, he has said all those words to me. He was always honest in saying that he was uncomfortable with my weight, but also said he thought i am beautiful. But the nagging and unreasonable-ness... that came later.

It certainly wasn't kind of me, i suppose, the way that i broke up with him: i know that, but i was trying to recover my dignity, not from a sense of pride but in a sense of "i'm through with putting your needs first because you haven't reciprocated." i still love him and want him to be happy, part of me still wants to be with him. i never thought it would his depression that would be the side that separated us, but he is the one who left me and shut me out entirely (except as an outlet for his unhappiness).

i still am left with questions, wishing that he would have cut it out (the bad behavior) and been honest again. But that is the complete opposite of what he was doing, everything was deflected and twisted so that in his view i was the bad guy. Which wasn't what it was about at all, but he kept treating me like i was the enemy. Amidst this i'm still trying to understand why i still have never been on a date. What was so reprehensible about being seen in public with me? It's not like i forced him to come see me, he was the one who promised to take me on a date, he is the one who wanted to come meet me (both were certainly out of my means), and then... nothing happened. Everywhere we went, Megan and the kids were with us. The most one on one time we had in public was when i went to pick him up at the Greyhound Station and later when i took him to the produce section at the grocery store to see if they had a pomegranate (he doesn't know what they look like). That latter event is also the only time we ever held hands, and it felt extremely awkward. He told me before we met in person that he isn't into PDA, and though our hands meshed together perfectly it just didn't feel right.

Maybe i am the only one to whom it seems odd. See, Brad is far more of a social person than i am. He goes to college to be with his friends. He goes to a bar once a week to see his friends. And he goes to parties to see his friends. None of those propensities describe me. i like going to a get together w/friends from church, most certainly, most usually when i go to a party i feel shut out, as if i am there and yet being ignored, and not entirely welcome or in the right place. There have been exceptions to this, but it seems like i usually end up in corner alone, instead of feeling included and wanted. People my age just do not seem to have the same interests as me, at least not the ones i know in RL instead of on the internet, so i am usually more comfortable w/people who are my parent's age instead of my own, yet this creates its own barrier because i am not actually their peer.

Since switching guilds i have been more happy in many ways. i am shut off from some of my friends, but still talk to them a bit. There is one that i meet about once a week in a certain place, not by design, but because we are both there at the same time so fall in together. As a pvper he has many enemies from Alliance guilds and so can always use someone to watch his back (lol). There is one young man who i have been spending a lot of time with, which is nice because i don't feel so alone, but sometimes he just rubs me the wrong way. Yesterday i was trying to tell him about the research i have been doing, into what gear is best for me to acquire before WotLK, and it felt like all he could do was reject what i was saying out of hand. It was an off day for both of us, but it made me (continue to) think...

If the guild masters of Predestined asked me to come back, what would i say? On the one hand i am very excited to be seeing the new content, and getting into harder fights, because i had long been one of the best geared people in Pred and felt as if i was being held back. On the other, i miss the camaraderie of the old guild, the feeling that we were going there to have fun (as opposed to kill stuff, lol). This may sound ludicrous to an outsider. In Predestined the core raiders used gag, playing music and dancing in between pulls, kneeling as one when flame wreath was cast, and generally using vent to joke more often than talk about what was going on in the current boss fight. This is also partially because we'd already been in Kara a couple of months and knew it backwards and forwards and the exact strategy that our guild has perfected. In the new content of Gruul's Lair things weren't quite so irreverent, people knew how to be serious in these moments, and Brad lost all sense of having fun anymore. The best attempt we had on Gruul was when everyone let loose and stopped being serious and actually joked again... and for some reason the that really pissed him off.

i'm still the new kid in Kids Next Door, with only a few acquaintances really. i'm still learning names and struggling to master content that is old hat to them, that i have never seen. I have to concentrate more now, because i am barely well geared enough to be in this content, and yet none of the drops have been upgrades for me. Worse still, they skip fights, not even attempting them, something that drives me batty, because of course that is where my upgrades are. When you go into an instance the first few bosses are going to drop the gear for the tanks and healers, and as you progress they start to drop more for the dpsers, and then at the end are the really nice drops for everyone. This makes complete sense, because if your tank and healer can't even stay alive then there's not much point in being there. My dps is low for a hunter, because i am sorely in need of a new bow, but i'm still around midrange, it's not like i'm the worst dpser that came. Anyway, it's nice to see new content, but i want to see all of it, especially from the standpoint of lore, which is really appealing to me right now, understanding the history and how the bosses stories intertwine.

i am excited about raiding again. i am excited about playing WoW in general, in fact i greatly hope that i can get a job/shift that allows me to continue to raid. Mostly i am excited because all of the new information that we are getting about Wrath of the Lich King coming out. i'm actually considering changing to Survival spec, of all things, which is actually where i started at before i knew the game. People keep telling me that hunters aren't supposed to melee, but i've read about a Surv Hunter that has been OT in BT and Hyjal! i'm tired of everyone telling me that BM is best and what i can't do. But MM will have to be what i am for now, because i don't think i'm ever going back to BM, and i don't have enough agility to rock Surv yet... that's why i'm still looking for upgrades, and yes, i can find good ones for dual wielding, if only they would drop and i would be allowed to have preference in the roll for them (y should rogues and Arms warriors get preference when they have stats on them that are good for me and i will be respecing to up their dps?!?).

Anyways, lunch and more packing and more WoW.

p.s. Oh, and btw, some of the guys are actually starting to treat me like they would treat... a hot chick. /gag i like being one of the guys, the "guild Grandma", and not having to deal with sexual harassment. Ugh, lol.