leap year day

Today i am procrastinating. i know i shouldn't be, but i can't stop myself. i woke up around eight, which is just about right, as i finally got my sleep schedule regulated after weeks of insomnia. It's the day after Chubuncle's birthday, and it made me think of Chubaunt, because she's due in a week and a half but Chubuncle and his father were both born on February 28 on a leap year and wouldn't it be crazy if his baby was too? So i read Chubaunt's blog, which always makes me laugh and feel happy, and then went on to read I Remember..., which i haven't enjoyed in a very long time. i've read posts dated a year ago and still haven't gotten back to what i had read. What she writes is so engrossing that i don't want to stop reading it, to have lived such a full life that was full of life, and to still be living it, it blows me away. (Both of these blogs are linked to on the right.)

Lately i have been feeling a very strong sense of me, of peace that i am where i am supposed to be, and the sensation that something important is about to happen. You see, today i should be finding a procter for my upcoming English midterm, and doing the homework for State Government and Technical Writing that is due today (that i should have already done, truth be told, and then would not be so hard pressed to do it now), but i don't feel like doing those things. i feel like reading, and writing, and listening to music, and dancing, and being. i feel like continuing to be myself, a self that is more in touch with herself and who she is than she has ever been before. And yet i lack direction, i feel like i'm standing on the edge of the cliff but i don't know which direction to dive, and i have many different directions to choose from.

i have turned my back on film school now... should i stay at Mesa State or go to another college? Should i finish college at all or find a way to support myself now? If i am going to finally start my career, how will i support myself? My thoughts turn to freelance writing, but while i am at school i do not have the time for it. Could i support myself with my writing? Would it be important for me to get my degree? i want to fly now, why do i always have to wait??? i am so sick of waiting, and sacrificing, and denying myself. Can't i serve others by being myself? Is there no way for me to be happy and whole while also being able to support myself and contributing to society?

Why am i always at a crossroads no matter what choices i make? i strive so hard, and yet i never get anywhere. All the choices before me are always forward, never back, but they never get me to where i am going. i don't feel depressed in this space, just dissatisfied with the options that are before me, which are so few. i feel as if there is something that i'm missing, that i should have seen already, but i don't see it. At church on Sunday (the second church we went to... which is a story in itself) was the first time that i heard a pastor confirm in a sermon that sometimes the hard places, the darkness, the lows, are exactly where God wants us to be, are His perfect will. He talked about what i have been dealing with for eight years, the fact that the plan God has for us isn't always easy.

Last night i watched Lost and it was a Desmond flashback to when he was at boot camp. His mind was flashing back and forth between the two times, and if he could not find anything to anchor himself to the future then he would die. He had to find Penny in the past to get her phone number so he could call her on Christmas Eve eight years later. It struck me that eight years is such a long time to be separated from the one that you love. It made me think about what anchors me to the future, i have no person that i can see face to face, that i can talk to on the phone, or hold their hand and kiss them on the face. i have God. He is so silent, and yet i hear Him. i cannot hear Him, but i feel so often that i just know what He wants and is thinking even though i can't hear it and it is so beyond my comprehension. i wish i could see it in a dream or vision, but it is not as easy as that, i have to just take it on faith. i struggle to put this in words, but i cannot, and it is time for me to go. i have so much to say and yet no words to say it with. So i stand here on the edge and wonder: which way do i leap?