avoidance

Okay, the subject i've been avoiding... Katrina. Well i knew from a penpal who lives near New Orleans that if a hurricane came they'd be in a bad way. But for some reason i can't muster up much emotion about it. I don't know why, i don't know what's wrong for me. My Mom points out that i was passionate enough about Schiavo. I'm glad people are trying to do so much to help but i'm upset by how skewed the media's coverage seems to be. There's nothing i can do about the situation and so i've avoided thinking, talking, or writing about it.

I still haven't decided whether to spend next weekend in Denver for American Idol or here auditioning for Dracula. I haven't been able to confirm that the show is coming here.

Since talking about my EW dream and having a long and exhausting weekend i've gotten a bit down about the whole lack of friends/boyfriend thing. There are several classmates that i enjoy conversing with (BP in particular, if you're reading!) but no prospective husbands as far as i can tell. Maybe i should just suck it up and try to go to Biola next year: surely i could find someone there? But right now i'm trying not to spiral into whining mode. I only want to audition for American Idol if God wants me to, i only want to date if God wants me to, i only want to attend the elusive Church 4.0 at MSC if He wants me to, and if He doesn't want me to do those things right now then i should just accept it.

I'm sick of just sucking things up and taking it, though: i want to be free to be who (i feel) God wants me to be and if someone doesn't approve it's their problem! I don't want to offend people but i'm sick of being limited by worrying about what others think. I only want to worry about what God thinks. Is there something wrong about that? I know that we're supposed to be conscientous about how we appear to those who are new Christians or who are being witnessed to but what kind of a witness is it to cave into anyone when it comes to serving God? I'm sick of getting in situations where i'm miserable because i defer to the judgement of others. They don't have to live with the decisions i make, why do i have to let them make the decisions that i want to be making for myself?

It's hard living with your family after you've become an adult because they just don't get it. I've paid my aunt back but she begrudges the fact that i'm not paying rent to my parents even though i'm living in my grandparents' trailer and they refuse to charge me rent! My Mom is mad because i read/watch Harry Potter and am "corrupting" her children. It's horrible to have this stuff hanging over me all the time. My conscience is clear, i've made an informed decision that's different than hers, why can't she just get over it? I still don't understand why she will only take the word of strangers who are lying over mine. It hurts.

I'm just wading through a lot of stuff right now. I'm too wrapped up in my own problems to worry about anyone else. I know that's bad, but i'm alone and broken, so what can i do? I'm a fool, but i'm trying to do the right thing. Hopefully my next post will make more sense.

spam comments

Oh, great, i'm now getting spam comments. I've changed my settings so people have to put in the letters to comment, but i've still got it set on "anyone" because i think that anyone should be able to comment. I think this "Anonymous" person is annoying, so hopefully that fixes the problem.

fall is almost here

The past few days as i've been walking from my car (i say it's my car, it's really my parents') to classes i've been noticing the trees. Their seeds/pods have fallen onto the ground and now the leaves are just starting to change. You can see the slightest tinge of yellow, or gold, or orange here or there. Before too much longer it will be turning cool and leaves will be falling, and then snow, which, now that it's coming, i'm surprised to find that i'm going to regret in a way. I'm always hot, have been dying to hit the slopes on a new snowboard since i was forced off of them, but now i'm clinging to the last days of summer... probably because i've just finished my second week back at school.

School has been a roller coaster. Lots of stressful stuff happens to me, but by the end of the day i usually feel pretty good. I'm actually getting tan from filming football practices, which is nice because i've been too pale the past couple of years from being inside all the time. Health and Physics are still boring, Acting is all right i guess, Choir is fun and challenging, Spanish is really fun and--oddly enough--quickly becoming my favorite class. So the day starts off stressful but ends on a high note. I usually feel like i have no idea how i'm going to get through the day as i'm walking to my first class but i can't believe it's over as i leave my last. The day happens really quickly and i end up feeling better than i expected.

But i'm still worrying about things; the biggest issues for me are physics and acting. I've heard some really bad stuff about my physics teacher and it's already a subject that i'm anticipating having trouble in (i'm not the best at science or mechanics), so i'll be glad when the class is over. I'm also not into the whole theater thing so i'm regretting declaring my major because now i have to audition for every show. Yeah, i want to act, but i don't much care for the choices in shows, and what i really want is to work in film. I want to write, and produce, and direct someday. Right now i want to go to audition on American Idol (so i can hopefully break into acting mostly), but i also want to go to Biola next year so i can major in Film/TV/Radio. But there are things in the way: i have a mandatory audition for Dracula when AI is going to be in Denver, Biola will cost at least $15,000 a semester, and even if i get to go to Biola i'm not guarenteed to get into the F/T/R program.

I feel trapped. I don't like coming to school here. I want to learn, and if that's what God wants then okay, but so much of it seems like a waste of my time. I'd rather be somewhere else living my dreams, but that seems impossible right now. I don't know what to do. I keep on seeking God (in fact, i've redoubled my efforts of late) and He keeps on being silent.

I'm worried about myself emotionally right now, too. I don't feel anything anymore. For the past couple of years i've been dealing with stuff because it was coming out whether i liked it or not. Now i'm back to not feeling, not dealing, just holding it inside. I don't want to be closed up for the rest of my life, but i don't know what to do about it. I feel so scared, helpless, and out of control, but at the same time i don't really feel anything. I'm just dead. I guess that i've just been coping for so long, desperately trying to survive while being deluged with pain, that i got to a point where i cut myself off again. I don't want to feel paralyzed like this any more but what's the point in me feeling sad, either? I'm not depressed, but i'm not joyful either. I'm just here, existing from moment to moment, not really alive.

Last night i dreamt about Elijah Wood. It was the first time i had ever dreamt about him in my memory. You see, the things i want to dream about are never the things i do dream about. I have had this crush on Mr. Wood for longer than i can remember. I've found other actors attractive, but i usually outgrow them, only with him... it always comes back. I liked him in Radio Flyer and Forever Young when i was little, didn't hear much about him until Deep Impact, and then he dropped off the face of the planet again. Since i saw Fellowship of the Ring i've had it bad; i don't know how to let go of this stupid crush, this mad desire to marry him.

I shouldn't feel like this for him (he smokes, and drinks, and i don't know that he's a Christian) or anyone else, but for some reason my mind keeps going back to him. There's times when he's annoying and not the best looking, but i still find him attractive anyway. It's not like i'm lusting after him sexually, i just really, really want to get to know him and spend the rest of my life with him. It has no logic and i don't know how--or if i want--to stop feeling this way. It's stupid, i know. I think he's become the personification of my desire to be myself with just one man, to be taken care of for the rest of my life while simultaneously taking care of him.

The dream was weird. We didn't talk. When i first saw him i was embarassed because i didn't (and wouldn't in real life, either) know how to talk to him, but he sat next to me. We were watching something together, a speech or something, and i was taking notes, and it was all i could do not to just lose control and stare at him. And then he did the weirdest thing: he put his arm around me. And it wasn't gross like when some pervert is coming onto you, it felt right. After a while he took off my shoes and started rubbing my feet (which was really weird but felt really great) and i felt this is going too fast but then i realized that i didn't want him to stop. It felt right, it felt like something good was finally happening to me, like the answer to all my prayers and hopes and dreams.

We did stupid stuff together, like walking around aimlessly, going out to dinner, nothing important or monumental. He didn't say much of anything, but i still knew that he was interested in finding out about me, and we just understood each other even though we hardly spoke. It was really nice and i didn't want to wake up.

In real life i've only ever had three crushes who seemed just as interested in finding out about me as i was to find out about them but all of them were taken out of my life before anything could happen. I've never gotten beyond that first stage where you don't know a thing about them but you're desperate to change that, where you don't want to say anything dumb but somehow you know that you can say anything to them and they'll accept you just as you are. I know it takes time to build intimacy, to get to know someone well enough to really know if you have a reason to want to spend your entire life with them, but i feel like i'm not complete because i'm not even the slightest bit experienced in this area. I've never had the chance to have a relationship with a man and that kills me because more than not acting or singing or writing or snowboarding or knitting or design webpages because more than anything else (besides doing God's will) i want to get married, spend the rest of my life with one man, and make lots of babies with him. That's all i want, all i need. The rest would just be icing. But i don't even have a cake to ice.

And i think that's all i feel anymore, the loneliness and the inability to trust others with who i am because i know they don't want to know the real me and i'd only be making a fool of myself. I know God loves me, and it's probably what keeps me going, but i'm isolated from it, i don't really feel it. Today, driving to school, i had a deja vu while pulling out from a certain light and being in a certain lane and being behind a certain blue truck and feeling as if i'd seen it all happen to me before. And it suddenly occured to me: what if these deja vus (that i always have at the weirdest times) are just God's way of telling me that i'm right where He wants me? I don't like where i am, but that doesn't matter as much as the fact that i desperately need to know that i'm in God's will.

And that's when "The One Thing" came on the radio and seemed to be talking about me. I've questioned everything in my life except God: He's the one constant in my life. Even as i change, grow, fall apart, i know that He'll always be the thing in my life, inside me, that will never be lost or go away. It seems stupid from a worldly perspective, but i know that it's right for me to trust Him no matter what. Even though i'm scared that i don't have enough faith, that i won't be able to get through this in one piece or do what He wants me to, no matter how much i'm hurt by what He's caused/allowed to happen in my life, i know that i will never stop loving Him, never turn my back on Him, never be able to tell Him that i don't want Him anymore, because He's all that i want. No matter what happens to me in life, how crazy i become, how bad i mess up, i know that i'm going to be spending eternity with Him. My life seems overwhelming now, but it's only vapor on the wind, it will be gone after a few heartbeats, and that's when what's real and true will really begin, after i've lost everything to which i'm clinging to right now. That's why i know that i could never give Him enough and--no matter what He asks--i'm going to do everything i can to do whatever He wants me to.

It sounds easy, but it's not. I'm still attached to earth, will have to be for many years to come. I'm meant to feel this "reality" more strongly than the end result right now. I still need to work on not being so engrossed in worldly things, but i have to live life and die (or be raptured) before i can live eternity. So if any guy were to come up to me and really and truly want to get to know me, i'd be ecstatic, and i think i'm supposed to be (i do not have the gift of singleness). If Elijah Wood were to somehow be thrown into my life i'd be glad to get to know him. But right now all i can do is dream about it until God sends the right one into my life. It's up to Him, not me. And even though it kills me to say it, i'll still serve Him even if He never sends a potential husband my way. Somehow i've got to come with better grips with that. I know i'm so messed up that most guys probably wouldn't want to touch me with a ten foot pole (;, but it's out of my control, right along with everything else in my life: in God's hands.

stuck in my head

here i am ~ in a river of questions ~ can i pour my heart out to a listening ear? ~ i see this life ~ its valleys and mountains ~ and i think of all the roads that brought me here ~ oh that brought me here

i've questioned my reasons ~ the life i'm living ~ i've questioned my ability ~ to judge wrong from right ~ i've questioned all the things ~ that i've ever called certain ~ my race, my religion ~ my country, my mind

but the one thing i don't question is You ~ You really love me like You say you do ~ yeah the one thing I don't question is You ~ You really love me like you say You do ~ hold me ~ hold me ~ so hold me

well i've questioned my significance ~ meaning and relevance ~ does the work i'm doing really matter at all? ~ well i've questioned my friendships ~ alliance, dependence ~ who will still be here when I fall?

but the one thing i don't question is You ~ You really love me like You say you do ~ yeah the one thing I don't question is You ~ You really love me like you say You do ~ hold me ~ hold me ~ so hold me

only One thing doesn't change ~ only One thing stays the same ~ all i know at the end of the day ~ is your love remains

Paul Colman ~ The One Thing

back to school rundown

Well, Friday the 19th i got what was left of my scholarship money and felt rich... for a few hours. My books cost $400 this semester (the past two they've only cost $300-350) and i owed people money and needed to buy some other supplies so it was gone by noon. I'm really happy with the shoes i got: genuine leather Sneaux skater sneaks on sale for $40 ($55-65 normally). Sneaux is pronounced "snow" and they look sweet; light grey with an orange logo on the side and two sets of laces (one pair grey, one pair orange, which i'm using right now). They're comfie except for working out, in which case they're not uncomfortable, they just feel weird.

Megan and i spent the weekend of the 20th and 21st in Denver at the Women of Faith conference. The room we got was pretty good and a great price. The traffic was terrible. The conference was okay but not the same or as good as the ones i've been to in the past. Sheila Walsh spoke to me the most strongly. Patsy Clairmont is still hilarious. I didn't enjoy Marilyn Meberg or Luci Swindoll as much as usual. It was very strange for me to listen to Avalon because Michael Passons isn't in the group anymore (i met him at Glorieta two summers and sang in choirs that he led).

My first week back at school was very stressful. I had hoped to work in the costume shop but there were no work study opportunities for the theater department listed on the website. I tried to get a job videotaping the football team at practices and was successful. I originally thought i'd be working six days a week but it turns out i'm only working two to three. My classes are Health/Wellness (boring, mandatory, but only half semester), Physics (boring because of bad teacher), Acting I (good teacher), Women's Chorus (oddly enough we're really small this semester and i'm singing second soprano again; we're going to be singing in French, German, Hebrew, and Spanish), and Spanish I (which is going pretty well).

It's not bad but it is four days a week. I'm enjoying it mostly except for the weight of my backpack and the fact that i had two auditions last week (mandatory for my major) that went bad and okay respectively. I have to drop a class because if i am cast in anything rehearsals will be during that time. They expect us to drop everything and be at their beck and call Sun-Mon evenings (so the fact that i work in AWANA is held against me). The worst of it is that i hoped to make it to American Idol auditions in Denver and i have another mandatory audition that weekend and if i skip it my chances of being cast in West Side Story are probably zilch.

I've been looking for a beanie visor knitting pattern because i saw this cool hat at the PacSun outlet that is beyond my budget. I can't find a pattern for a beanie visor per say so i'm going to have to add the visor to a beanie pattern. I'm starting to get really excited about snowboard season and knitting some stuff to match my board. More on that to come!

Island vs. the Matrix

This really bugs me: i've read and heard two seperate individuals say that the Island is like the Matrix. All i have to say is... Hello! Are you even watching the same movie i am?!?

The Matrix is set inside a computer program. The Island isn't.

In The Matrix computers control all of humanity's existance. In The Island humans control clones.

In The Matrix humans are used for batteries. In The Island clones are used for spare body parts.

Granted, the humans in the matrix don't know they're in the matrix, and the clones don't know the island is fake, but how are these two movies alike?

Oh, there's a highway chase scene in The Matrix Reloaded and The Island. Well in The Matrix heroine protects keymaker, mentor fights baddies, heroine escapes, mentor and keymaker are saved by hero. There are cadillacs, motorcycles and colliding semis involved. In The Island hero and heroine jump onto semi to escape and don't do any hand to hand combat. They drop train wheels on the people who are chasing them. They steal a jet-propelled air-motorcycle. There's no mentor or keymaker involved and the sequence is totally different.

The Matrix is about humanity as a whole surviving against an enemy it can't see. The Island is about two people saving a bunch of clones that humanity doesn't know about. But for some reason people don't seem to care as much about clones as "real people" in today's PC society; they'd rather endorse stem cell research that kills babies and a woman's right to choose than watch a movie about clones body parts being harvested. Go figure.

computer

Well, my computer has just about had it. It suddenly won't display right (the screen is in a huge hour-glass shape) and will shut down at odd times. I've gotten all my files off of it and am planning to invest in a jump drive and start saving for a new one. I've had this one for over five years (closer to six i think). It will be nice to get a new one, but it probably won't be for a while. And just when i was starting to be able to write some fanfic, too. I still can a bit, just have to save lots and have the window a funky shape. (:

summer films (my reviews)

The Island
This movie is excellent, probably my favorite of the summer. I didn't find out who the director is until after i saw it (which is good, because i might not have bothered: i liked the Rock but hated Pearl Harbor and Armageddon) and have read bad reviews but this movie is really really really good. Excellent acting all around. You really care about what happens to the clones. Funny and heart wrenching. There are some cheesy lines but the action never stops.

Charlie and the Charlie Factory
I've never been a fan of Burton but this movie is great. Depp does look kind of creepy but plays the part wonderfully. The Bucket family is excellently portrayed. Really funny. After seeing this and the Island i now want to go out and get Big Fish and finally see it.

War of the Worlds
Really good but not my favorite for Spielberg or Cruise. I still love their work. Would go to the theater to see again if i had the money.

Fantastic Four
I'm very fond of the work of Alba, Gruffud, and McMahon but was disappointed with this film. None of them got to really stretch their acting chops. I'm hoping they do a sequel because i think it would be better than all the intro stuff. Evans stole the show so i went out to get Cellular (which i'd been wanting to see for a long time) and i really enjoy what i've seen of him so far.

Batman Begins
The best of the Batman films imho. Gary Oldman really delivers: i never thought i'd say this (because i've been following Oldman's films for a while) but i'm never going to be able to see him in a movie without thinking of Sirius ever again. Bale was just as good as in Equilibrium but they didn't give him much to do; just found out he was the kid in Empire of the Sun and want to look into his work more. Murphy as the Scaregrow great, Freeman and Neeson excellent as usual, Caine good (but still an odd choice for the part imo), Wilkinson really good in a surprisingly different roll than Eternal Sunshine. This may have been my first film for Holmes.

Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy
I was surprised, but i liked it a lot more than the miniseries (which is realllly weird) and mostly because of the casting choices i think. There were lots of good tributes to the first film spread throughout. Alan Rickman is so the bomb. Only thing i liked better the old way was the old Ford Prefect. This movie was actually more like a remake of the old movie than of the books i think.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Good, but not great. Funny and full of action. Too many dodged bullets. I knew they's end up staying together. Vaughn was funny but his part was really unnecessary.

The Longest Yard
Typical Sandler fare, good (but not his best), funny (but sometimes crude). I don't know why, but i usually can't help but like his movies (the obvious exceptions being Big Daddy which i didn't care for and the cartoon and Nicky one which i could tell weren't my idea of funny).

Herbie: Fully Loaded
I grew up on Herbie. I'm not the biggest fan of Lohan. Okay, not terrible, but not good. Definitely for the kids.

The Wedding Crashers
DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME Rachel McAdams and Christopher Walken were good in it. Not Owen Wilson at his best. Vince Vaughn and Will Ferrel repulse me, along with the young gay guy. Too much crude humor that just wasn't funny. I never thought that i could hate Bradley Cooper

looking forward to seeing because of previews:
the Chronicles of Narnia the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe (get chills every time i see the preview)
Elizabethtown (Bloom and Dunst)
the Transporter 2 (Statham rocked in the first)
Walk the Line (Phoenix)
Just Like Heaven (Witherspoon and Ruffalo)
Sky High (looks funny)
Red Eye (McAdams and Murphy)
Must Love Dogs (like Cusack, Lane is okay)

wish there was a preview for:
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (of course)

That's all i can remember at the moment. I've seen a ton of stuff this summer. We'll have to see if i remember anything else that i missed.

life verse

My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever.
~ Psalm 73:26 (NLT)

Re: what i'm saying is...

I'm sorry that it's taken so long for me to get back to the computer. I feel that it's important that i reply to some of your comments. Firstly, thank you for your encouragement, Yadah. Secondly, i wish to respond to Apostle John.

I go to church to both bless and be blessed. As i've said, i'm currently having trouble with the giving part because i've been so badly hurt by my brethren in the Lord as well as God. I try to have the same mentality as St. Francis of Assisi (Lord, grant that i may seek to comfort rather than be comforted) but as i feel that i am being constantly attacked from every side that's very difficult right now. For a while it was hard for me to even talk to God about it because i've prayed so very hard in the past and His answer is still wait. I don't know if i have the strength to wait anymore.

You seemed to insinuate that i go to church only to feel good: let me just assure you such is not the case. I am always part of the 2% that does 98% of the work in the church, to quote a common phrase. But in reading God's Word it is clear to me that i must seek God to find Him and He promises that when i seek i will find (Luke 11:10). As i have been seeking Him very hard and not finding very much but silence i am understandably upset. I still believe everything that He promises, which is saying a lot considering some of the anger towards Him that i was holding inside not so long ago. But i've 'fessed up with Him, humbled myself yet again, and started reading my Bible more regularly. I don't know that this will change or help anything imediately, but i am endeavoring to do His will.

The trouble is that it's very hard for me to plan for and work towards a future when i'm not even certain that i'm crawling in the right direction. I hope that makes sense.

now announcing

Alice Claire Samson was born at 12:45 a.m. on July 12th, 2005. She weighed in at 7 pounds, 11 ounces; mother and daughter are doing wonderful.

sorry

I haven't been able to get online much lately. I'm still working on my webpage but i might not be able to update for a little while. Wish i could write more, but what can i say? I'm thinking about what i want to do with this blog and my webpage. Hopefully some of it will come about soon.

what i'm saying is...

what i'm listening to ~ Thousand Foot Krutch
what i'm reading ~ Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austin (just finished Acorna the Unicorn Girl and the Beginning Place)

Yesterday was a very strange Sunday. I went to church in the morning and didn't get blessed, my load only got heavier. I don't know why i expect to experience Him anymore, but i have to hold onto hope. I guess that i should explain that i go to church because it says in His Word that i shouldn't stop attending church (Hebrews 10:25). I go to this church because it's the one my family attends. But because of several things that have happened this past year i'm thinking about attending another church. But i don't know if that will be any different. I want to be where God wants me to be, i'm just not sure where that is.

About my last post: let me just say that i know that i will be able to spend eternity with God, i'm confident that i'm forgiven / saved / a Christian, the trouble is that i'm so overwhelmed with the here and now. I give things to God but my burden doesn't get any lighter, only heavier. I'm sure that it's only the cross that He's chosen for me to bear, but it's a heavy one. I'm so perplexed right now, and desperately trying not to be so selfish but feel that i must be just to survive. It's hard. What i was relating in my last post is that i've gotten to the point where i wonder if i'll ever feel / hear Him here on earth ever again. And i don't know how i feel about the possibility of that being a no.

It's really been getting to me lately how my family still expects me to do exactly what they expect. They just don't get it. And they'll lie about me to my face and laugh it off and say that i just can't take a joke. It's not funny and lying certainly isn't a joke. Am i overly defensive? I feel like i'm constantly under attack. If i am doing what i'm supposed to be doing (God's will) then i will be constantly under attack.

I think what i've been feeling so acutely is "God's curse" as outlined in Romans 8:18-25. I know i need to pray more. It's hard for me because i don't sense the Spirit's groanings for me (verse 26). I pray that He will groan for me, but i don't have the words or the one on one with God that i used to know. Last night we had a prayer walk at our church and i felt guilty that i pray for myself so much and not enough for others. I think that happens to a lot of people. We get so wrapped up in our own problems. My Mom says we could have it so much worse, but i think that it would be easier for me if my problems were something tangible like cancer or homelessness or starvation. What i have is an overwhelming desire to serve God, and overwhelming heartache for the world in its sinful state, and i don't have the slightest idea how to help / serve / act. So many people are ignoring the problems that are staring them in the face. I don't have that luxury.

At the end of the summer i plan to go to school full time, audition for fall productions, and snowboard as soon as snow allows. I don't know if i will audition for American Idol. I don't know if i will have workstudy in the costume shop. I don't know if i'm doing God's will. I don't know anything. I want to go to Biola next year but maybe i should have aimed for this year. It's so much money and seems impossible. Everything seems impossible. I know that nothing is impossible with God but i'm still waiting and wondering how He's going to get me through this. I don't know how to act, to do. I'm just trying to get through this. I know i'm not doing it with very much grace, but i just want to be like Him. I hope that makes sense.

weirded out

what i'm knitting ~ PoA scarf
purple square wave armwarmers
what i'm reading ~ The Beginning Place by Ursula K. LeGuin
what i'm writing ~ Ginny Weasley and the Dark Diary (a first-year fic)

The past few days have been really weird for me. I've been working really hard on my webpage and new blog, i'm getting excited about reading the new Harry Potter, and Megan's baby should be coming any day now. Everything seems surreal. I'm not sure i like the direction my life is going in. I'm out of school right now but in another two months it will be back to the grindstone and i won't be able to write anymore. I'll still have my old computer that doesn't work right, i'll still owe people money, i'll have workstudy, i probably won't have enough money (though more than now). I should be working right now but i haven't been able to find a job. No one wants to hire me just for the summer of course, but i can't handle a full load and work study AND a job. I don't even know if i can handle a full load and work study. I really want to be able to snowboard this winter, to get a season pass, but will i have the time? Can i handle the homework load? I don't know what to do.

I like being able to sleep whenever i want. I like being able to work on the things i'm passionate about and feel that God wants me to do. And to be perfectly honest i don't like the school i'm going to, which is why i wanted to transfer to Hawaii. I had a bad experience last semester and am not at all sure that acting is what i want to do anymore. Every time i go to a movie i'm sure that it is, but every time i go to school--and when i was working on As You Like It--i'm not so sure.  I'm starting to dream of becoming a director someday, but i also want to write and raise a family. Where i am i feel like i'm not learning much, that i'm still stuck and spinning my wheels. I don't know how to get unstuck, i don't know what God wants me to do.

It's been six and a half years and i'm tired of complaining. I can't shine and complain. I just want to be where God wants me to be, who God wants me to be. All of this waiting is inconsequential in the grand scheme of things (what's seven years to seven googol googol googol?) but right now it's a lot. I've grown tired of watching others surrender things to Satan that ought not to be his and wonder if i do the same. I don't want to. I want to only do God's will. That's hard for me right now because i'm not always certain what it is and if i do feel certain it's disapproved of by everyone else.

The truth is, i chose this road. I could have graduated from UofA a year ago and had a job now, doing what i don't even know. I'm such a different person than i was back then. I remember knowing that i was being fake and that i was tired of doing what everyone expected of me (everyone but God). And i begged Him to show me the high road, the hard path, the way that is His will and no one else's... i just never expected it to be without a flashlight or His hand. I know He's here, i know He's taking care of me, but i don't see it, i don't feel it, i don't know that i'm going the right way. It's so incredible and hard to believe but i started to pray about becoming an actress nine years ago. I only ever wanted to do His will. I want to be everything He's dreamed up for me and seen that i can accomplish if only i will trust in Him.

How do i get from there to there: from hiding in my bedroom and praying about whether or not acting is God's will to actually doing it? I know He promised me that i'll act on Star Trek, i know He did, but what if it's not in this decade, what if it's forty years from now? What if i never get married? What if i never have kids? What if i never sell a book or screenplay? What if i'm always fat? These questions break my heart, but not as much as wondering if i will ever hear God's voice again. Not that i could ever hear a voice out of the sky, but i used to always know what He was telling me if i listened. Is Satan or one of his minions only lying to me? Probably. I don't know why. I keep on telling God that no matter what i'm not going to turn my back on Him. He already knows that, i already know that, what am i supposed to be learning? It doesn't make any sense. If God wants me to wait, i will wait, i have waited, but i just want to know that one day the waiting will be over. It doesn't even have to be explained or make sense, all i want is Him and His will.

How do i get through this, out of the dark? How do i shine, love, create? How do i change myself and be a catalyst for change in others (without choosing or controlling that change, but allowing God to do the changing)? I can see the dark spreading, feel it closing in, not just on me but the U.S. and the world. I keep praying, i try to keep seeking, i am so tired and so insufficient. I need Him. I'm nothing without Him. What do i do? How do i serve Him? How do i ignore the critics, shake them off, and fly? How do i break through financial barriers and thrive? How do i be content while i'm alone? I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out.

Statism and Authoritarianism

politics

I've been thinking a lot lately about which party i should belong to. I was raised Republican and am behind George W. Bush even though i don't always agree with him. But i'm already thinking about the future. Next election i want a president who will fight for the kind of things i believe in and i don't really care what party he's in. I've taken two Libertarian quizzes (to discover what party you belong in) that firmly place me in the Libertarian party but i'm not convinced. I also think their mascot--Lady Liberty and the Liberty Penguin--are overused and corny respectively. But my political beliefs are changing and i'm not sure the Republicans are doing what they're promising or what needs to be done. I'm still thinking and praying about what to do. I'm also wondering what "Authoritarian" and "Statist" means as i've never heard of either before taking the quizzes. Click on the links below to take the quizzes yourself:


The Enhanced-Precision Political Quiz


World's Smallest Political Quiz

Star Wars III - Revenge of the Sith (2nd viewing)

Saw it again Sunday and noticed a lot more details. Ewan McGregor is the bomb; he's still one of my favorite actors. I loved Padme's outfit in the choking scene but her hair really bothered me this film (like when it was in big curls and down and looked like it was shoulder length from the front). Yoda having to teach Obi-Wan how to talk with Qui-Gonn was corny (this is one of the things that bothered me before but i forgot to mention)... who taught Luke? The Emperor is really disgusting in this film and his lies are really see through: i don't get all the angst on Anakin's part or why he was deceived so easily. I still hate when he explodes everything, breaks free, and screams "NO!!!" at the end (as Darth Vader): it would have been much more effective if he fell to his knees or something, overcome with grief and pain. But of course the Emperor wanted him to be angry (at whom though? himself?).

Star Wars was great when i was growing and still amuses me to a point but i'm beginning to get tired of some of the stuff others already hated. Ep. 3 left me feeling largely disastisfied: it was good, but not great. I still can't get over what GL did to Padme, either.

little update

what i'm designing ~ B*T*L a knitting and costuming and sewing and crocheting blog
what i'm knitting ~ purple wave armwarmers
PoA Gryffindor Scarf
what i'm listening to ~ lots of Thousand Foot Krutch, Casting Crowns, and Tree63
what i'm reading ~ Iceburg by Clive Cussler
what i'm writing ~ Desert Fox... a Christian sci fi short story that i don't know if i'll ever finish or publish

life verse and knitting update

Be glad for all God is planning for you. Be patient in trouble, and always be prayerful.
~ Romans 12:12 (NLT)

what i'm knitting ~ homespun red and light gold HP scarf
almost done with Alice's sweater but i'm having trouble with the finishing ):

life verse

It is not that we think we can do anything of lasting value by ourselves. Our only power and success come from God.
~ 2 Corinthians 3:5 (NLT)

life verse

Oh, that we might know the Lord! Let us press on to know him! Then he will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn or the coming of rains in early spring.
~ Hosea 6:3 (NLT)

Stuck-up and Stereotyped

That's what i'd call Pride and Prejudice if i wrote a screenplay set now. I really enjoyed the book and might actually try doing that someday.

My mother has been flipping out lately because there was Harry Potter stuff on her computer (mine) and i installed Firefox. It really hurts me that she trusts people who she's never met and who are lying to her over me (her daughter who's telling the truth) when forming her opinion on HP and other topics. She's been really stressed out lately and driving me bonkers. I won't be able to use her computer anymore. I'm taking all my files off and going to try using my own (yeah: that's gonna work!). Hopefully i'll be getting a new computer soon. I don't want to give up on this blog and my webpage, so i'm still fighting!

Reinforced Insecurity comments about Philippians 3:9

"You can not trust yourself, but you can trust some invisible friend who lives in the sky who's existence is completely theoretical?" Ironically enough, the name of his blog is based on a proverb.

Man, why would i trust myself? To me, God's existence isn't theoretical. Sure, i haven't seen Him face to face, but i've felt Him and seen what He's done around me. I wouldn't even be here if it weren't for Him. If we're all completely honest with ourselves (and informed, of course), Intelligent Design makes a whole lot more sense than Evolution. I've studied both, and i'm no expert, but it doesn't take an expert to see some really big holes in logic on the part of the Theory of Evolution.

Can i tangibly prove that God exists? No, not really, but can you prove that Evolution happened? No, which is why the theory is constantly being disproven and modified to make it still sound plausible (which it still doesn't, but whatever). And i'm a firm believer in Romans, the book of the Bible that teaches "For the truth about God is known to them instinctively. God has put this knowledge in their hearts. From the time the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky and all that God made. They can clearly see his invisible qualities--his eternal power and divine nature. So they have no excuse whatsoever for not knowing God." (1:19-20) and "But if I am doing what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it. It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong." (7:20-21)

This weekend on the campout it occured to me that "the greatest of these is love." It's important that i have faith and hope, but it's most important that i love. If i love Him then the faith and hope comes. It's hard for me to understand that if He wouldn't have loved me first than i never could have loved Him because i love Him so much. If you don't love Him then you can't understand what it is to love Him, you can't understand the power of His gift, you can't understand your own fallen nature. But that's why i trust Him, not myself: He's given me everything.

oh, yeah

I finished crocheting those wristwarmers this weekend. I thought the first one looked good by the time i was done with it, but by the time i was halfway through the second i could tell i was doing a lot better and the first one wasn't that great. My tension has improved a lot already. I was thinking about converting them into a knitting pattern but now i'm not so sure. It would be easy to do but they're not that heavy duty. I wore one two nights and the other one night and they're both already getting stretched out. It doesn't help that i just used some cheap yarn that i had on hand, either. I'm never buying that brand again. I got several requests from the kids for me to make them a pair: i'm not so sure i want to. It's quick and easy but they'll mess them up in no time flat. My next crochet project will probably be a tankini top. I don't know how well it will turn out but i'm going to try it.

back again

what i'm knitting ~ 1st sleeve of Alice's sweater
what i'm reading ~ Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin (chapter forty-eight? forty-nine?)

So i'm back from another campout. We stayed at Warner Lake in Utah and visited Arches. I had been thinking how pale i was considering i had gotten sunburned two weekends in a row... well, it's now three in a row. I'm a bit sore and stiff from hiking on a primitive trail around Windows (i think that's the right name).

Something about the hike was really annoying: there were signs all over the place stating "stop, this is not a trail." They were a big eyesore and sure didn't develop naturally. There was a pamphlet that you get when you come in that says you can't bring any pets to Arches because they might pee and destroy the arches that have been developing for billions of years. My Mom pointed out how illogical this is. I, of course, totally agree with her. Pee is natural: if it destroys a rock there's something wrong with the rock beforehand. To me a sign telling me to stay on the trail is more offensive and destructive that allowing a few people out of a thousand to stray from the path. If it's survived wind and rain and flooding it will survive a few tourists. Plants grow back, and humans are the only living things to create trails (we saw lots of deer, cows, and horses during the course of this trip).

On another note, there were lots of things i wanted to write when i got back, but at present i am too tired to remember most of them. One thing i remember is someone mentioning how small children always want to turn the page of the book before you're done reading that page to them. I've always been irritated by that. You're supposed to read the whole story or you'll miss something important and/or interesting. I'm ashamed to say that i've been in a hurry to turn the pages in my own life. I want to grow out of that.

creative update

what i'm crocheting ~ Punk Crochet Wrist Warmers

Yes, crocheting! I'm not a very good crocheter, but i'm attempting this project in hope of finally tackling the monster and taking it down for good. I'm actually not doing that badly (a lot better than usual, at least). The pattern is actually pretty good, though i do have trouble keeping the pattern straight (first pattern=what i'm following, the directions; second pattern=pattern stitch). You have no idea how many times i've ripped it out to where the pattern begins and started again. Next up for crocheting? Possibly a tankini. It depends on whether or not i can get the yarn for cheap enough.

life verse

I no longer count on my own goodness or my ability to obey God's law, but I trust Christ to save me.
~ Philippians 3:9 (NLT)

life verse

Let me hear of your unfailing love to me in the morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I have come to you in prayer.
~ Psalm 143:8 (NLT)

Lost Pilot and season finale

Unfortunately, due to human error, we didn't get to see Lost's season finale (the truth is that the VCR was set for the right time but the wrong channel). It repeated during the campout, so Megan saw it because she stayed home, but she didn't record it. But what she did see is interesting. The Pilot is on right now (as i type) and i just realized that when we hear "the Monster" for the first time... it sounds an awful lot like a machine. And when i mentioned that Megan said that made sense: the closed captioning during the finale said "gears clicking" and that there were chains involved. It just seems really weird but it kind of makes sense. The thing is, is it cloaked or what? Seems pretty strange and inexplicable. Of course, that's what Abrams has been going for...

clothes

what i'm sewing ~ charcoal grey tunic with lace-up sleeves

Yes, i am actually doing some sewing today. I'm really dreaming about sewing the jacket/cloak that Harry wears in Goblet of Fire for the second task and poster. I'll post some photos later. Right now i'm working on something different though. Hopefully i'll be posting pics of it soon, too.

I've been browsing the Hot Topic website the past couple of days and adding to my wishlist. There is an awesome pair of pants that i tried on last time i was at the mall that cost $42. The funny thing is, i've realized that for some styles it would be cheaper to go buy something similar at a Military Surplus and modify it myself to look cool. So now i'm looking at military surplus websites, too. Fun, huh?

Soul Surfer

I used to be an optimist. I don't feel like i've really been one now for a couple of years. I bring this up because one of the books i read on the campout was Bethany Hamilton's Soul Surfer. I remember hearing about her arm getting bit off the summer of the shark attacks. Later i heard she was a Christian. I suggested Mom buy her book for Katie as a Christmas present. And now i've finally read it.

I really enjoyed reading this book. I've dreamt of going to Hawaii and learning how to surf for longer than i can remember. And it was cool to read about a young Christian who's passionately on fire for God despite difficult circumstances that are in her life. She thinks that it's important to remain upbeat and optimistic no matter what life throws you. And i feel guilty because i whine so much and focus on the waves instead of Jesus.

I know that i have few physical impediments to overcome, but i know that God gave me this test because it would be the hard one. If he would have given me cancer i don't think i would have minded half so much. The real test for me is waiting. I don't want to wait. I want to be in the arena, the ring, the battle, right now! And to me it's as if God is saying "No, not yet, wait," and that's the last thing i want to do. It's not logical to me.

It's a constant tug of war for me. With one eye i have given everything to God and am fully trusting Him; with the other i am looking around me, terrified, because i am totally out of control. Overall i'm pretty blind. I can see that God's working around me, i just can't feel Him, and progress seems excruciatingly slow to me. So one part of me thinks "finally, some progress!" while the other whines "what's taking so long?!?" My family thinks that i'm "spinning wheels" and going nowhere. It seems that no one understands just what it is that i'm going through... It's like i'm begging God "Here am i, send me!" and He keeps saying "no" so i am bereft. I have no delusions of gradeur, i want to do whatever God wants me to do, i just don't understand why He would promise me something and then close all the doors... unless He's testing me.

But i feel like i'm in a cage. I feel like i'm shouting in here and no one hears me. I know He hears me, but it's like He's ignoring me, and it's gotten to the point that i'm so tired of repeating myself that i'm tired of saying anything. I know He hears me anyway, but i don't know how to ask anymore. I've asked so many times for so long and to no avail. When will the answer ever be yes?

This month marks (approximately) my eighteenth birthday as a daughter of the King. I know that i am nothing without Him, that without Jesus my life would be meaningless and overwhelmed by the follies of a sinful lifestyle. I'm so grateful that He chose me, that He has dreams that are so much bigger than the ones i can even imagine.

I'm just afraid that i'm missing something, that i'm not saying the right words or that i'm not asking forgiveness for the right sins. I can't find anything in my life that's blocking Him. I know that i'm a sinner, but so much of what i am is what this period of my life has shaped me into. I know that might sound like a cop out but it's true. How can i know who to be if He does not clearly show me? I can only guess and hope. It's been six and a half years of darkness, and He's been so silent that i've become afraid that when i can feel Him again i will be overwhelmed with the light. I'm afraid that i'm praying the wrong things. I'm afraid that i'm making the wrong choices. I'm afraid that i've already messed up too much and it's too late for any of my dreams to come true; not that God has let me down... but that i've let Him down.

Satan and his minions laugh at me. I'm more scared of him than i should be. He's obviously scared of me, he's given me such a hard time. I know that i can do anything when Christ is giving me the strength. But at the same time i can't do anything if He doesn't give me the strength, and i don't feel like i have much strength anymore. I keep trusting that somehow He's going to make it okay, but i can't help but wonder if i've already let him down or if i will because i don't have the strength to hold on anymore. Does 1 Corinthians 10:13 apply in situations like this? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I feel dead. I don't know how to lift up my cross and follow Him. I don't know how to get up off the ground. I don't know how to reflect God's love to others. I don't know how He could use someone like me. I just pray that He will use me (because i know He can; He can do anything). I just try to pray that He'll give me the strength to get through this.

I don't know how to be positive. I don't know how to be optimistic. God will get me through this, i believe that: but i'm going through hell to get there. Earth is the closest that Christians get to Hell: lately it's been way too close for my liking. And try as i might, i can't think up any words to make things better.

I don't want to be Frodo. I don't want to give in to the dark once i've finally reached my destination. I don't want to give up on life and happiness and succumb to grief once the dark is past. I want to shine. I want to burn with an overwhelming passion for Jesus. I want to love with God's love. I know a lot of Christians probably think i'm off the deep end, that no one should worry about what God thinks and wants so much... I'm not sure what to say to them. All i know is what i feel God has taught me in the past. I think He wants me to take up my cross daily and follow Him. I think He wants me to dedicate even the small stuff to Him. I don't think He wants me to sweat it; i think He wants me to trust Him in all things.

I know i'm not very articulate. I just want God to use me. I love Him so much it hurts. I don't know how to deal with the pain. I hope you can sort of understand that and why i act the way i do, why i write what i write. I'm just trying to please Him. I really wish i knew how. And i know i should read my Bible more but i'm scared that He won't speak to me that way, either (it seems like usually even when i do read, He still doesn't show me what to do). I just miss Him and don't know what else to do. I'm trying so hard. I know it's not enough.

life verse

I love you, Lord; You are my strength.
~ Psalm 18:1 (NLT)

just heard on K-Love

who told us we'd be rescued ~ what has changed and ~ why should we be saved from nightmares ~ we're asking why this happens to us ~ who have died to live, it's unfair

this is what it means to be held ~ how it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life ~ and you survive ~ this is what it is to be loved and know ~ that the promise was when everything fell ~ we'd be held

this hand is bitterness ~ we want to taste it and ~ let the hatred numb our sorrows ~ the wise hand opens slowly ~ to lilies of the valley and tomorrow

if hope if born of suffering ~ if this is only the beginning ~ can we not wait, for one hour ~ watching for our Savior
~ from Held as sung by Natalie Grant

family tree

Okay, it feels weird specifying that Megan's my sister every time i mention her. Here's a little family tree...

Dad + Mom = me (23), Megan (21), Katie (9), Sammy (6), Daniel (5), Abby (2), Polly (almost 15 months)
Andrew + Megan = Alice Claire

I think i got all the ages right. I have the hardest time keeping their birthdays straight: not the days or months, but the year. Btw, Daniel is the only boy (Sammy is Samantha). Yes, i'm the oldest. Yes, i love having lots of younger siblings. I want to have at least four kids myself, if not closer to eight. God's going to be planning my family; i don't believe in birth control.

i'm back!

Well the trip was pretty fun. I got a bit of a sunburn, some reading done, and some knitting done as well. I was also dreaming up new formatting for this page (as you can see). Tonight my family and i are going to JUCO even though it's raining (my weather update is a little behind at present).

what i'm knitting ~ a sweater and booties for Alice Claire (Megan's baby... due July 4th)
what i'm reading ~ Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

weekend campout

Last night i finally started (in earnest) to work on my HPSS review again. I looked at an old review of Dark Angel that i did like three years ago for inspiration: man, i miss being able to pound stuff like that out. Anyways, i'll be on a campout with family this weekend and as such be unable to work on it until Monday night at least. But expect updates: even if i get a summer job i'm hoping to do this in preparation for the HBP release that's coming up. Hard to believe that it's almost June!

Oh, btw, i've been giving Lumos Nox a facelift.

life verse

This is real love. It is not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.
~ John 4:10 (NLT)

point of view buttons

I got the idea from Cinnamon's blog Crafty Monster Strikes Back, and now have some informative buttons to the right that are "stolen" from Steal These Buttons. Pretty nifty. I hope to add more soon.

Firefox

Well i finally figured out why i couldn't install Firefox (the download window kept closing before it was finished downloading) and now have it installed. It's already proving to be better than IE, and it's such a relief to finally have good software to use. It will take a little time to get used to the tabs being on top (and all in one browser instead of multiple) but i like it so far. (:

So, according to my profile my most recent post was... 26 October 2004. Funny, i think i've posted several times today.

pic

I finally have a pic of me uploaded to my profile! So now everyone can see... well, about a quarter of my face.

(btw, i took this pic with my Motorola V265 camera phone last February... my cheeks were so pink that i must have been cold or i got too much sun snowboarding)

life verse

I have come as a light to shine in this dark world, so that all who put their trust in Me will no longer remain in the darkness.
~ John 12:46 (NLT)

It's funny how God brings many things together to bring one thing into focus. Like how much i love my sisters and brother and how i should act towards them. I've always known instinctively (my conscience guided me when i was growing up) but now it's different. I remember a time when i agreed with Cain: "am I my brother's keeper?" And then i saw SpyKids and Machete says "Look how <Cain and Abel> turned out." And Carmen points out (rightly so) that family is supposed to take care of each other. Only its clear the entire movie that she hasn't been taking care of Juni at all even though she claims she is.

I've been thinking about this because of something i said to my mother today and some of the stuff i read cleaning out my old e-mail drafts. Mom's been stressed a lot lately. This weekend i said something to her that, while it was true, was needlessly harsh and disrespectful. I'm sorry i said it. On the flip side of the coin two of those drafts were letters to my sister Megan during a time when she had hurt me very much and i was trying to patch things up. I don't think about what happened back then any more. I forgot it. I don't know if i forgave her as much as i let it go. Megan and i are getting along great now, in fact every time there's a birthday or Christmas we buy each other too much.

I'm falling apart. I've felt that way for a long time, but now i don't feel it anymore, i just see it. I don't know how to fight anymore, to feel the pain. Everywhere i look i see... the sky is falling (for lack of a better term). The Church isn't doing what needs to be done, America as i know it is falling apart, and i feel helpless to change anything. I've always known that: i know that i'm nothing, that God is everything. I wish i could relate that, i cannot say it strongly enough. And my view of the world now: i don't know if it's true or if Satan and/or his minions are lying to me. I know there's a battle going on around me, but how bad is it? Am i starting to see it again? I know that God is the ultimate victor, but will he be the victor here in the U.S., in my lifetime?

I'm starting to lose hope of that. It's such a pipe dream that America will ever return to God. Last time i listened to Sean Hannity--it was weeks ago--he was talking about this chip that they've changed the name of so people won't realize it's the same offensive thing with upgrades. This chip can be planted in your skin. It has a GPS tracker in it so if your kid is kidnapped you can track your kid. I'm sure it's probably the same chip that can be used in place of credit cards and can carry your medical history. They're currently trying to find a way to make the chip permanent so no one can remove it. Sean was really upset about this (understandably so): so am i. He said to one caller (a mother who was ready to sign up): so they put this chip in your kid and your kidnapped... now these kidnappers are going to be cutting something out of your kid. I know this is the mark of the beast: it's not alarmist, it fits the description. Parents will put it in their kids foreheads so their hands won't get chopped off. Designers will make the chip impossible to be removed so kidnappers won't mutilate the faces of children. Lots of people will get one. Perfectly reasonable.

I don't know if this blog will ever help make a difference against something as big as that. I know it can't on my own power. But God has been so still in my life that i wonder if i'm doing the right thing. I'm still impatient. I know he's working in my life: i can't feel him, but i can see the effects of it. But my grades in college aren't as high as i feel they should be (and i really tried hard last semester). Acting doesn't come easy to me like it used to. And writing: even when i want to write something i can't because i don't have the words or i don't have the time. Everything feels hopeless, and like i'm letting Him down, but i don't know how to fight harder or do more. I just don't. It's like i'm in quicksand: the more i struggle, the more stuck i become, and i need to relax and let someone pull me out.

But how long will i have to wait? I'm tired of waiting. I've been waiting for over six years! It feels like a waste. God's trying to teach me something, but what is it? What's so important that my ministries should be put on hold for six years? It feels like a waste and i'm ashamed that i feel that way. My old Sunday School teacher (who finally talked to me for the first time yesterday, acting as if nothing had ever happened) would have me believe that i'm not doing anything, that what i'm trying to do is worthless. I can't believe that. I will never believe that unless God tells me that. And so i still don't know what to do.

life verse

God did not send his Son into the world to condemn it, but to save it.
~ John 3:17 (NLT)

summer reading

So far i have read Clive Cussler's Pacific Vortex! and decided against reading Lois Lowry's the Messenger any farther than the second chapter and a bit of the final chapter. I did once get through Lowry's Number the Stars but have trouble maintaining interest in the other books of hers that i've tried reading. Cussler is pretty good (not great, but definitely not awful) and i've got some more of his books on hold. I saw Sahara a week ago, and definitely approve of the casting of McConaughey and Zahn for the parts of Dirk and Al but they don't fully meet the descriptions as in the book(s). Anyways i have some more of those books on hold now.

I also finally watched Pride and Prejudice (with Colin Firth) finally and was pleasantly surprised just how much i enjoyed it. All the other version i had seen in the past i found quite boring, and i wasn't ready to read it when i tried... wow, it must have been in junior high or early high school. But now i want to read the book. I've also been planning to read Sense and Sensibility: Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman are excellent in the movie. I was also surprised to see several (more) parallels between P&P and Bridget Jones'. I did not trust Mr. Wickham as soon as i heard him lamenting how Mr. Darcy treated him. (: It certainly does make it even more hilarious that Firth played Mr. Darcy in the BJD movies and is interviewed by Bridget in the second book (i have yet to see the sequel).

Wow, i've got my reading cut out for me this summer.

life verse

When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you.
~ Isaiah 43:2 (NLT)

cool webpage

Am I Punk or Emo?

I think it's especially ironic that he says people who dress punk don't wear baggy pants: these days the wider the better. Of course i'm sure there are a lot of people out there who, even if they dress all out, are really only wannabe punks. I haven't gotten that far yet.

stop talking about why we shouldn't be at war!

...it's sooooo old. I just found this blog (during a search for something completely different) that said war never brings peace. Yeah: tell that to the Japanese and Germans and Russians. Better yet, tell that to everyone who lived during the Roman Empire. Sure, it might not be the peace that you want, but you'll get peace or you'll die. War always ends in peace: even if everyone dies there will be peace eventually because no one will be fighting anymore.

And i certainly don't want to hear about Bush misleading us. People can act stupid and for some reason want to remain stupid. The argument is old and full of holes. So you don't think that the U.S. had a valid reason to go to war in Iraq. You say there were no WMDs and the administration was just misleading us. Hello! CNN reported that the Iraqi troops were dumping chemical weapons into the rivers as they retreated. Chemicals are a WMD. Oh, you want nuclear weapons? Well our intelligence (and the intelligence of other countries) said that Iraq had nuclear weapons. Whether Iraq actually had nuclear weapons or not is irrelevant because Saddam Hussein made sure that everyone (including us) thought that he had them. He was feeding us false intelligence on purpose and we called his bluff. His bad, not ours. As if the people who were being tortured to death and then thrown into mass graves isn't a good enough reason to take down an evil dictator.

Back to history... Japan is now one of our most loyal allies; we nuked them. Was that unfortunate? Of course. Sad? You bet. But they attacked us first. What about Germany? Did we beat them? Yep. Sad? What they were doing to the Jews was tragic. No, they did not attack them first, but let's face it, if we wouldn't have helped out everyone else they probably would have won (Roman Empire style peace) and then came after us. No probably, definitely. We took in so many jews who were fleeing that they would have come after us even if world domination hadn't been their goal in the first place. I don't even want to go into Russia right now, but that war brought us peace didn't it? Different kind of war, still a war.

War happens a lot in the Bible. It happens a lot in history. It happens a lot today. It will continue to happen a lot until seven years after Jesus comes back. Deal with it. I'd rather we be fighting for the right cause for the wrong reasons that not be fighting at all. I know i sound harsh. Deal with it. This is real life we're talking about, logical and cruel. Life's not fair cuz Eve and Adam took a bite, take it up with them. Shut up about war and get a clue.

End rant.

IE

i hate, Hate, HATE Internet Explorer sometimes. i keep getting these insane error messages "Do you want to continue running scripts on this page?" And for some reason windows that are still loading always pop up while i'm viewing / scrolling / typing in another window even though it isn't done loading! Just a minute ago i was browsing and for some reason new windows were being opened at a rate of about two a second. Not fun. I want to download Firefox but for some reason it's not working "unspecified error". I want my own computer! My Mom's doesn't agree with me.

Ugh, i know there was more i wanted to say about Star Wars earlier and now it's driving me bonkers because i can't remember for the life of me. d:

Star Wars III - Revenge of the Sith

Contains Spoilers: you have been warned.

Yes, i went to a midnight viewing. I'm a night owl, and i had never done it for a Star Wars film before, so i felt that it was now or never. I wasn't overly excited to be getting in: in fact it was rather surreal that it's here already. What stunk was that i was in screen #3 and they made us wait like an hour to be seated after the first two screens because they were digital and we weren't. They were worried that screen three would try to sneak in, which was ludicrous because screens one and two were full and we liked the fact that we weren't and the sound stinks so much in every screen of this theater that it doesn't matter if you have digital or not. The manager is a jerk (i remember him from three years ago and he's still a jerk) who liked to yell that they were only taking tickets for screen 1 + 2 every ten minutes, then stand around looking cranky doing nothing. He could have been taking tickets at the doors instead and avoided the whole fiasco, because the people in the first two screens weren't about to stay seated in their auditorium: they freely went in and out even after they finally let us in. They should have been more worried that people would be sneaking into screen 3, it would have made more sense.

Back to the movie. Overall i thought it was good. Some of the voices were needlessly corny, notably one of the droids on Grievous' bridge who i felt should have had more authority in his voice. Palpatine eagerly watching Ani fight Dooku and then egging him into beheading him were overly obvious and corny: i mean, the fact that he orders Ani to leave Obi Wan is a big deal. The whole film you can tell that he doesn't care if he's discovered anymore and i don't understand why any of his overtures to Ani are accepted. Ironically enough, Padme didn't have any trouble in childbirth that warranted dark side intervention and Palpatine certainly didn't help her in the slightest.

Anakin seemed to be finally turning around and leaving behind the angry boy who was so full of himself. I guess what he really gave into was his fear of losing Padme, but then he went and nearly killed her. It didn't make any sense.

Yoda visiting Chewbacca (Chewbacca in particular) seemed needless to me. I really liked seeing the Wookies in battle, but felt like the Cloners were overly focused on in that battle. The battle could have happened anywhere: Chewbacca was hardly in it.

Yoda was awesome per usual. "Not if anything to say about it I have." I enjoyed some random guy's comment at one point during his duel with Sidious: "Yoda is a bad a$$." I'm not sure why Yoda retreated when he did, and it certainly didn't make any sense for him to turn on a homing beacon for two seconds, then jump into his escape speeder (ready and waiting) and forget to turn it off.

Obi-Wan was very agreeable to me. I've always loved Ewan's portrayal of him and he did especially well this time around. Less whining, more respect (towards Ani). His not wanting to believe that Ani would do something like that and not wanting to fight him was really nice to see after his attitude about Vader during conversations with Luke in the original trilogy.

My biggest beef with this movie if Padme. I feel that Lucas really did her and Natalie Portman a disservice. Padme was constantly whining and crying and often times there was no discernable reason why. Okay, i get that she wouldn't want to believe that Ani had turned, but after it happened... The Padme i know would never crumble and give up the will to live, especially when she's been "bless"ed with a pregnancy! Leia spoke of her memories of her mother in Return of the Jedi: she was "beautiful" and "very sad." So Leia has memories of her mother from moments after being born? All her mother said was "There's good in him, I know it" and gave up the ghost. That's not the Padme i know, who fights against unbeatable odds, who keeps fighting even when there is no hope and comes out the winner in the end. Yeah, i don't like what Lucas did to her.

I don't know how many stars to give this film. As a fan of action movies with fight scenes i liked it. As a fan of epics with true love... it fell short. It's hard to say whether it was as good or better than any of the films. Less annoying Jar Jar and C-3PO (why did they give C-3PO a memory wipe, anyway? he didn't seem to understand what was happening to Ani in the first place), more annoying Grievous (though he did fight well). Maybe i'll feel better about it next time around.

knitting

Well this afternoon i was surfing the net looking for knitting sites and knitting yahoo groups. It's an exhaustive process. I have so many dreams for knitting in the (hopefully near) future. It's been hard because i don't have the money for yarn or the time to knit as much as i'd like, though i have been knitting more of late. I wish i had a digital camera so i could put pics up and show everyone! My current projects are thus:

an afghan composed of knitted blocks for my mother (almost completed)
a Harry Potter scarf (like in the first two movies, only using homespun) w/matching convertible mittens (barely begun, but should be able to get done by November, if not July!)
a pink and white sweater for Alice Claire (just beginning, but looks great)
a pair of purple armwarmers to match my scarf and flapper hat that i finished a couple of months ago
a sweater for Abby: white with pastel colors flecked throughout (almost complete)

I think that's about it. I'd also like to knit a PoA Hogwart's scarf that's true to the films and some more armwarmers. As it is, budgetary constraints hold me back. Of course, once i find a job none of these things will be an issues... except then i'll probably have trouble finding the time to complete my projects!

I've been surfing the web a lot more than usual and working on my website. It's great because i've missed it so much. It also makes me feel guilty because everyone expects me to get a summer job and i haven't found one yet. Today i helped my mom out on a homeschooling field trip, tomorrow i'll go out and fill out some more applications. I just feel like it's important to expand my blog and webpage. I hope to be able to really work hard on them over the next year in particular. I hope to buy a new computer and get myself a digital video camera, etc. I want to start posting pics of my knitting here, too. Right now i'm waiting until i can pay people back (several family members have loaned me money), but after that, here i come!

changes

I borrowed my Mom's Casting Crown's CD last week and was blown away by the lyrics. It was surprising to me that i already knew about half the album. I knew they toured with Steven Curtis Chapman, so i figured they'd be good, but they're really good. They've got awesome lyrics.

I went to the Democratic, Republican, and Libertarian websites last night and read the party platforms. At least, i tried to read them. The Dems and Reps platforms were both full of, er, trash, and didn't actually say much of anything. The language was impossible to read. The Libertarian site was much more informative and understandable. I was and wasn't surprised to find that i really agreed a lot with what the Libs platform and site said. I'm not saying that i'm ready to change parties or anything, but i'd say that i agreed with the content on the Libs site more than the Reps and found the Dems junk just as offensive as i imagined.

I don't hate Democrats. I just feel like the leadership is misguided and scared and their constituents are misguided and underinformed. Everyone else can believe whatever they want to believe... which is i guess the main reason that i seem to be a closet libertarian and i didn't even know it. Libertarians are more conservative and liberal than Republicans at the same time. They just sound a lot like me is all. Who i've become.

My idea of what an American is has been changing. I don't think that Congress or the courts or schools or even the president can solve all our problems. I'm starting to believe that the fact that they're trying so hard to is most of the problem. And the Church... well i'm pretty upset with it as a whole, too. I think that's a big reason for me reading and writing about Harry Potter. I just don't feel like we should be trying to force our beliefs on people. Such as homosexuality. I am 100% against homosexuality morally, but politically i don't think it's my place or anyone else's (least of all the government) to tell homosexuals to stop, that they can't get married, etc. To me, America is freedom: freedom from, freedom to. It's the Church's job to love homosexuals and witness to them. Not try to change them, because we can't: only God can. We're not doing enough of that.

I'm really worried about this country and the church.

stuck in my head

what if the armies of the Lord ~ picked up and dusted off their swords ~ vowed to set the captives free ~ and not let Satan have one more

what if the Church, for Heaven's sake ~ finally stepped up to the plate ~ took a stand upon God's promise ~ and stormed Hell's rusty gates

what if His people prayed ~ and those who bare His name ~ would humbly seek His face (yeah) ~ and turn from their own way

and what would happen if we prayed ~ for those raised up to lead the way ~ then maybe kids in school could pray ~ and unborn children see light of day

what if the life that we pursue ~ came from a hunger for the truth ~ what if the family turned to Jesus ~ stopped asking Oprah what to do

what if His people prayed ~ and those who bare His name ~ would humbly seek His face (yeah) ~ and turn from their own way ~ He said that they would hear ~ His promise has been made ~ He'll answer loud and clear (yeah) ~ if only we would pray

if My people called by My name ~ if they'll humble themselves and pray ~ if My people called by My name ~ if they'll humble themselves and pray

what if His people prayed ~ and those who bare His name ~ would humbly seek His face (yeah) ~ and turn from their own way ~ He said that they would hear ~ His promise has been made ~ He'll answer loud and clear (yeah) ~ if only we would pray

~ Casting Crowns "What if His People Prayed"

life verse

But those who wait on the LORD will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.
~ Isaiah 40:31 (NLT)

life verse

"I am holding you by your right hand-—I, the Lord your God. And I say to you, Do not be afraid. I am here to help you."
~ Isaiah 41:13 (NLT)

life verse

For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.
~ James 1:3 (NLT)

final english paper

Once again, please enjoy but do not quote or reproduce without my permission.

This final draft is a lot stronger imho. I was a bit tentative to go all out for this paper (the way i boldly did for all of Hills' papers), but the comments of my proofreaders were surprisingly encouraging. I wish i could get a ton of feedback on this paper because i really feel like God mused me a good paper this time. Time will tell.

Pray for me! Finals are tomorrow!

life verse

Without wavering, let us hold tightly to the hope we say we have, for God can be trusted to keep His promise.
~ Hebrews 10:23 (NLT)

Being Frank about Frankenstein’s Fiend (due May 9th, 2005)

    Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley’s Frankenstein is one of the earliest examples of science fiction combined with fantasy (Abrash). Even so, I was originally dreading reading Frankenstein: my preconceived notion of what the book is about was skewed by Hollywood’s myriad of portrayals that greatly stray from the actual plot of the story. My perception of the Monster based on those cliched versions is that the Creature is a static character who is ugly, clumsy, and dumb. In reality the Creature of Shelley’s work was originally beautiful in the eyes of his creator (Shelley 41), possessed superior height and strength to that of humans (76), and was well read and educated despite his short childhood and innocence (101-104). Thus my response to Frankenstein as a reader is much different than I expected. I discovered that, though the message of Frankenstein has been hidden, the book continues to inspire science fiction like Dark Angel, which questions the possible consequences of aspirations of science such as cloning and genetic manipulation. Frankenstein’s unnamed everyman claimed that he was inherently good and tried to justify his violent actions as a reaction to what others have done to him, but from a Christian viewpoint this attitude is false: this story only proves the argument that every man is sinful and unable to define morality apart from God.

Recent scientific advances dealing with the origin and manipulation of life demonstrate that Shelley was prescient in concept but on the wrong track in detail–neither DNA wizardry, fertilization ingenuities nor cloning has anything to do with reanimating dead pieces of human anatomy. Yet Shelley brought the latter notion and its potential consequences into the area of rational discourse, where they have remained to this day. (Abrash)

    The short-lived television show Dark Angel is a good example of science fiction that was inspired by issues Frankenstein addresses and bringing them into the twenty-first century. Frankenstein’s daemon is a superhuman created by integrating the parts of corpses (Shelley 37, 39); Max, the show’s heroine, is a superhuman created by meshing DNA strands from innumerable sources (Dark Angel). She is a clone of many people, not just one (Dark Angel). Though the Monster was not created for a specific purpose as Max was (Dark Angel), the show amplifies the notion of the Creature’s desire to be loved and accepted and the hatred it receives (90, 109) by examining the conflict of not only one daimon, but many (Dark Angel). Like the Monster (113), these transgenics have been forced to hide (Dark Angel). People fear not only what violent acts they might commit (111, 114, 135-136, 159-160; Dark Angel) but that they might wish to procreate (135, Dark Angel). Other concerned citizens claim that these man-made beings don’t even have a soul (Dark Angel).

    But any reader of Frankenstein or viewer of Dark Angel is quickly convinced that these beings do have souls and consciences: even if they choose to ignore them. Both the Creature and Max have creators that refused to apologize or accept responsibility for their actions (180; Dark Angel), both superhumans are haunted by crimes they have committed (184-185; Dark Angel). The Monster claims that he pitied Frankenstein, hated himself, and “was the slave, not the master of an impulse, which I detested, yet could not disobey” (183). This is a perfect example of the sin that all men experience: “I don’t understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate (Romans 7:15). The Creature argues:

No sympathy may I ever find. When I first sought it, it was the love of virtue, the feelings of happiness and affection with which my whole being overflowed, that I wished to be participated. But now that virtue has become to me a shadow, and that happiness and affection are turned into bitter and lasting despair, in what should I seek for sympathy? (Shelley 184)

    Both Frankenstein and his Monster “. . .believe that we need not cast about for a Savior because we’re good enough to work out our own salvation. These people conclude (logically, if their assumption is correct) that they don’t need Jesus Christ to die for them. They can fix what’s wrong themselves” (Baldwin 24). This is evident in the Creature’s request that his creator make him a companion (Shelley 116-117). He claims: “I am malicious because I am miserable” and “If any being felt emotions of benevolence towards me, I should return them an hundred and an hundred fold; for that one creature’s sake, I would make peace with the whole kind!” (117). Despite the Monster’s excuses he confesses that he willingly chooses revenge (183): he does not apologize for this or acknowledge his sinful nature (Baldwin 25). His double-talk is confusing, but the Creature does make it clear that he doesn’t feel that he is responsible for his actions in the slightest (Shelley 184-185).

    The Bible, however, is clear that “all have sinned; all fall short of God’s glorious standard” (Rom. 3:23). “. . .The trouble is not with the law but with me, but with me, because I am sold into slavery, with sin as my master” (7:14b). “You may be saying, ‘What terrible people you have been talking about!’ But you are just as bad, and you have no excuse! When you say they are wicked and should be punished, you are condemning yourself, for you do these very same things” (2:1-2). The Creature claims that he will kill himself and then: “I shall no longer feel the agonies which now consume me, or be the prey of feelings unsatisfied, yet unquenched” (Shelley 185). The Monster may find comfort in the belief that death will bring relief, but alas, such is not the case (Rom. 2:5-9)! Only Jesus’ free gift can save us, and we must believe in Him before we can accept that gift (Hebrews 11:6).

    “Shelley’s accomplishment was to enable readers to think seriously about the creation of an artificial human being and consequent issues” (Abrash). Though I have seriously considered these issues while examining what the Bible says and watching and reading numerous forms of science fiction, I am still uncertain if cloning is moral. It seems clear to me that such creations will be just as fallible as man is, just as capable of compassion and feeling, and will eventually be created. Yet I still believe that every human being is responsible for his or her own actions regardless of what ill they have had to bear. We are all monsters in our own way, we are simply more adept at hiding it than the Creature. The Monster’s failing was that he did not realize why he was fallible and that he needed a Savior to be good and happy and accepted (Rom. 8:5-10). Unfortunately, a few centuries haven’t changed that in most of us humans, either.

Works CitedAbrash, Merritt. “Knowing the Unknowable: What Some Science Fiction Almost Does.” Extrapolation. Summer 2004: 123-129. Criticism & Reference. Literature Online. Tomlinson Library, ID. 24 April 2005. <http://0-lion.chadwyck.com.www.millennium.marmot.org/>.
Baldwin, J. F. The Deadliest Monster: A Christian Introduction to Worldviews. Eagle Creek, Coffee House Ink, 1998.
Dark Angel. “Freak Nation.” 3 May 2002. Dir. James Cameron. Perf. Jessica Alba, and Michael Weatherly. DVD. Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation, 2003.
Holy Bible: New Living Translation. Metal Edition. Wheaton: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. 1996.
Shelley, Mary. Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus. 1818. Ed. Susan J. Wolfson. A Longman Cultural Edition. New York: Longman Publishers, 2003

When writing “Symbolic Cars and the Characters that Drive Them” we weren’t supposed to cite anything yet, something that was annoying to me because I feel as if it looks like i’m pulling facts out of thin air when it can actually be documented. All info for this paper was taken directly from the stories themselves: there was no research involved. We also were supposed to not use commas unless we were absolutely sure that they were necessary but she added tons of commas when she graded my paper.

Both this paper and “Where’re We Going?” received B’s. The comments written on them are extremely unhelpful and annoying and only show that my teacher is rather dense and, for some reason, cannot understand proper punctuation or what the assigned stories are actually about. She’s always marking things are wrong that aren’t and apparently needs to be talked down to, to have things spelled out to her so she can understand, even though the truth is blatantly staring her in the face.

I will admit that these papers aren’t my best work: it has been really discouraging all semester because i’ve been trying to write college level papers using stories that are boring, uninspiring, and not very deep, and she seems intent to dumb me down (all the while oblivious). She has a doctorate so she should understand writing that is more complicated; one would think that she would encourage independent thinking, writing above high school level, and the utilization of an individual’s style, but she apparently doesn’t like my writing.

I will be so relieved to get this class out of the way. Stay tuned for my final draft on the paper i’m writing for my final: it’s on Frankenstein.

"Symbolic Cars and the Characters That Drive Them" (due February 11th, 2005)

    Louise Erdrich’s “The Red Convertible” describes the changes in Henry Lamartine surrounding the Vietnam War and leading up to his death. Joyce Carol Oates’ “Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?” describes the changes in Connie when she is taken by Arnold Friend, a man intent on raping (and very probably killing) her. In both stories the protagonists gave into their fear and sorrow after experiencing two very different traumatic events

    In the beginning, Henry and Connie were both carefree. Henry liked to joke around and “went places” with his brother Lyman in the red convertible they owned together: it is almost as if the brothers go wherever the wind blows them and they live in a world of their own creation. Connie “knew she was pretty and that was everything:” she is popular, enjoys attracting attention, and likes spending time in older boys’ cars. Henry and Lyman are inseparable. Connie and her sister June can hardly get along. The Lamartine boys’ mother loves both of them the same. Connie’s mother very obviously favors her sister.

    Unfortunately, who both of our protagonists were is lost by the traumatic events in their lives. When Henry comes back from Vietnam he is but a shadow of his former self. “He was quiet, so quiet, and never comfortable sitting still anywhere but always up and moving around. I thought back to times we’d sat still for whole afternoons, never moving a muscle, watching things.” Henry doesn’t even show a spark of his former self until Lyman beats up the car so he’ll actually do something again. For Connie it is different: when Arnold tells her what he is going to do to her she is lost to her pain before she even experiences it. “She was hollow with what had been fear, but what was now just an emptiness.”

    Henry doesn’t want the convertible anymore because to him it symbolizes a happier time when he was carefree and had hope (in other words, everything he had lost), but after the war he is irrevocably changed and cannot get that back. To him the red convertible symbolizes Henry’s lost freedom and happiness. Connie’s experience with the gold jalopy is not so happy. She finds it too bright and doesn’t want to look at it because to her it symbolizes the exact opposite of what the red convertible does for Henry: fear and enslavement. The symbol of her freedom and happiness is the music that she hears everywhere she goes and that provides the soundtrack for her life.

    Both stories’ endings are foreshadowed by and are related to the convertibles. As soon as Connie sees Arnold and his gold car the reader knows something bad is going to happen. Lyman tells us in the beginning of “the Red Convertible” that the two brothers owned the car “together until his boots filled with water on a windy night and he bought out my share.” By the end of “the Red Convertible” we know that Henry has drowned and Lyman has sent their car to the same place, but because of the open denouement, we don’t really know if Henry meant to commit suicide. We also don’t know if Connie survives or ever recovers from her experience with Arnold Friend.

    It is sad that the moment Henry starts to show a little bit of his former self it is moments before he dies. It is frustrating that Connie gives into her fear instead of trying to save herself. Few have experienced such pain and fear and until we have I don’t think we can truly understand it or withstand it. Lyman experiences this with Henry:

As I watched it I felt something squeezing inside me and tightening and trying to let go all at the same time. I knew I was not just feeling it myself; I knew I was feeling what Henry was going through at that moment. Except that I couldn’t stand it, the closing and opening.

    Henry gave into his fear, and so did Connie. The reader can stand back from the events they experienced and keep them at arm’s length because they don’t experience them, too: they don’t even read about them in detail, only the effects. But we can all wonder how we would react in the same situation and be thankful that we probably will never have to find out.

quintessential quote

"The world moves for love; it kneels before it in awe."
~ William Hurt in the Village

life verse

Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised.
~ Hebrews 10:36 (NLT)

Yes, it is now official, all my backgrounds have been lost. You see, sometime since my last computer crash (and before i was able to save all of them to disc again) Prohosting decides to delete my website where all my backgrounds are stored without warning. So now all my hard work and the outpouring of my heart is gone: all i have is little 150 x 200 thumbnails of all my backgrounds... all of them. I was really depressed the night i found out. I keep hoping that they're just experiencing technical difficulties and that they'll magically reappear but i doubt it will happen. I'm just out of luck i guess. I don't know what to do now. It's really disheartening (as if i'm not under enough stress as it is).

Harry Potter pre-orders at Wal-Mart!

All you have to do is put down two dollars and put your name and address on a little card, right? No, i have to wait for a manager or someone of greater experience to confirm that yes, when Wal-Mart puts little cards that say "Pre-Order Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" out with the display of the previous five HP books (in hardback and paperback) they mean it. But i have to be subjected to "Wal-Mart doesn't do pre-orders" and "This can't be valid" and "This isn't good until July 16th" when if they'd just scan the stupid thing they'd see that it is in the computer and i can pre-order it! It was really annoying, especially the second time (because i knew it had worked the first time). You see, first i put my $2 down for myself and then i called my sister to see if she wanted me to do the same for her (she did) so then i drove to the Wal-Mart that's on the other side of town and put $2 down for her. I had to tell them that it worked before (okay, i told them my sister had already done it) for them to even scan the stupid thing. Maybe i should have just shown up at 11:45 p.m. July 15th and hoped for the best (they had plenty of them lying around in Lynchburg June 21st two years ago). Anyway, i can now officially say that i've pre-ordered two copies of the Half-Blood Prince.

Here's the paper that has been monopolizing my time of late. The last thing i want is for my teacher to accuse me of plagiarism and flunk me out of English Composition 112. Please enjoy reading this but do not copy it or reproduce it without my permission: i spent way too much time on this paper but probably didn't spend enough time on it at the same time. I'll be glad when this class is over and i won't have to take any more english unless i so choose.