The Daughters of Edward Darley Boit

    John Singer Sargent painted The Daughters of Edward Darley Boit in 1882 using oil on canvas. The painting is 87?” x 87?” and was exhibited in the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston in the June-September 1999. The painting is featured on page 181 of A World of Art.

    Daughters is a portrait of four sisters in their apartment in Paris. The youngest sits on a rug near the bottom center playing with a doll. Her next oldest sibling stands on the left with her hands behind her back. The two eldest daughters stand in the shadows in the center, the second oldest standing facing the viewer as the third oldest, the oldest turned away so we cannot see her face. The oldest is also leaning against a huge vase; its companion stands before a red screen on the right.

    The line in this painting seems to follow one girl throughout her adolescence. She is sitting on the rug playing, and the two edges of that rug point to her next stage, which is still obvious but more proper. A wall behind this girl forms another line against with the vase is standing. One’s eye jumps to the red screen which forms two more lines that lead the eye back to the rug.

    The two oldest girls appear to be standing in a dark box, but the whole apartment feels closed and confined like a box. This darkness makes one feel sad, depressed to see the confined and restrictive world that the girls live in. The red draws one’s eye to the beautiful things that these girls are surrounded with but are surely not allowed to touch. On the top right there is a bit of undefined light that continues to give the painting depth.

    The girls are all dressed in almost exactly the same way, with a pinafore over a dress, black tights, and black shoes. The youngest’s dress and pinafore is blindingly white and undefined, the next oldest is in dark red and slightly rumpled, and the two eldest are in black with pressed pinafores. The vases are pearly grey and black, the rug predominantly a sage green. The floor and wall are a warm golden-toned wood.

    The rug itself has texture: it looks a lot like any rug one would see on the living room floor, bristly or soft. The youngest girl’s doll has a dress that is pink and white, made of fluffy and beautiful sheer fabric one expects to see made into a gown for dancing. The wood throughout the apartment looks smooth, the vases smooth and glossy. The pinafores of the three eldest girls all have a sturdy cotton texture to them.

    The two vases help draw one’s eye across the room. The rug has a pattern of diamonds set in rings. The floor has a diagonal inlay that points both to the left and the right at the same time. The first thing one’s eye is drawn to is the youngest girl: she is the center of interest. The girls are all in scale with and proportionate to one another, but the vases are both taller than the oldest girl. The eye moves easily around the work and finds balance except in the dark box: it seems to suck one inside if they let it: its dimensions are vague so the negative space seems to go on almost forever if it weren’t for the undefined reflection near the back. Because of the painting’s large size, the girls are probably larger than life size.

    In A World of Art Henry James likens this painting to an Alice in Wonderland experience but to me this painting is about growing up. When one is young it is as if they are in the center of the universe. As they age they draw away from others and become less open about their identity. Though a parent doesn’t forget their children they seem to focus more on their younger daughters than their older ones. These girls are also losing innocence as they age and becoming weighted down with the expectations that are placed on them as they mature. None of the girls look happy though they clearly want for nothing… nothing physical anyway. They are provided for but seem emotionally detached. Perhaps the red screen, which brings the eye back to the beginning again, symbolizes how the cycle always continues and life always begins anew but in the same way it did for the generation before us. It is a beautiful painting but kind of depressing, too.

image similar to the one in A World of Art (though smaller)


a better image (that would have influenced my critique had i seen it while i was writing it!)

the rundown

i know, it's been way too long since i've written... the trouble is, i haven't exactly known what to say. I don't want to talk just to talk, i want to be saying something meaningful, something from my heart. How much is too much, is too honest and angry and broken and ugly?

Around the time i had those two Relient K songs stuck in my head i quit working at Powderhorn. A member of my church needed someone to babysit her daughter overnight while she had someone else's shift for three weeks. I only did this twice a week (as i recall) and i didn't think it would conflict with work at all. I've done this for her in the past and felt obligated to do so again: she only asks me when she's having problems with her older daughter. So i suddenly realize sometime later on that the girl is going to a new school, her mother is working later in the morning than normal, and i can't leave in time for work. So i call in and quit saying that i have a new job.

I had been wanting to quit working at Powderhorn for a while. It seems to me that the places that i work that are "Christian" in ownership and creed always turn out to be the ones with the most anger, bitterness, rudeness, etc. I didn't enjoy working not because of the work but because of who i was working with. I felt surrounded by negativity and was exhausted. I would be gone around twelve hours a day simply going to work and coming home from work. I no longer had a life or the energy for one. I had been planning to just stick it out, quit if i could find workstudy, but now that i had given my word... i felt obligated to quit and watch the girl.

Working during school would bring me just as much money as workstudy would. I hadn't gotten to snowboard more than fifteen runs (on the bunny slope or midway) my entire employment. Plus i thought i would be housesitting for a coworker of my father's for about a week and a half and i knew that would pay well. I just didn't have the time to do the things that needed doing before school. The pay was a pittance. I was nearly at my breaking point.

Not working was bliss. The housesitting job fell through (they took their pets on the trip) but i didn't let it bother me. I started snowboarding once a week with lessons at a discounted rate through a homeschooling support group my mother is in. My snowboarding really improved a lot and i felt that i was actually starting to recover and do something worthwhile with my time, knitting and reading and rest and cleaning.

When school started back up again i didn't realize until Thursday when i received a call to inquire why i hadn't been at Spanish the night before. I thought--because of my catalog--that classes didn't start for another week. It was really stressful to me only making it to one class my first week back. My teacher's perception of me (if they noticed the absence) must be that i am not responsible or punctual and that's so not me. Worse than that i've been tardy for Spanish the past two weeks (this week because of a wind storm that forced me to drive ten miles under the speed limit most of the way). And i've been unable to find workstudy. There was simply nothing advertised or available that seemed plausible.

So now of course my family disapproves of me yet again. My mom wants me to pay her back. I didn't get to bond my car yet (though i did find out that it will be a lot easier than i originally thought so now i feel stupid because, despite numerous searches through Google, i was unable to find this info myself and had to be informed of it by my sister). I'm not virtually broke and still need to file FAFSA for next fall.

All this have led up to the past four days of depression. i had been ignoring everything for so long, trying to suck it up and just forget it. Feeling sad doesn't help anything, i don't have the time to be human, to be real, to do anything but try to shut out the dark. But it was hanging over my head that i have been trying so very hard to pull myself out of this abyss and once again i have failed miserably. I think it was Friday or Saturday night that my parents started making not very subtle comments about how stupid i am to want a tattoo or to pierce my navel, especially a barcode "mark of the beast". And as i had just spent the past week slowly working my way through Dark Angel season two i too special offense at this because i was starting to rediscover...

~ i'm not fighting the dark anymore
~ i don't have hope anymore
~ i don't have a love (not even one that i've lost) and Valentine's Day is around the corner again
~ i love Dark Angel even more now that i've been away from it for a while
~ the barcode still has meaning to me as a symbol

My parents don't seem to care that i'm trying to do the right thing because it's not their definition of right. My mom said to me sometime over Christmas break that i'm too hung up on my definition of truth... but it doesn't matter what my definition is to me. Sure, i have big ideas, and if God tells me that they're wrong than i'll freely admit it and adopt his ideas. All of this begins and ends with truth, and Jesus is truth. Am i honest about the truth God shows me? As much as i can be when surrounded by people who just don't give a ---- what i think. So it's not my truth that i'm talking about from my perception, it's His.

On Sunday morning i didn't even have to think about it, i knew i was going to have a bad day. You try to keep your chin up, you try to ignore it, it still comes. In Sunday school it felt like no one cared what i wanted to contribut to the class and for weeks its seemed clear to me: 1, this is where God wants me and is speaking to me the most, and 2, my parents are getting uncomfortable about me being here because they don't feel free to speak openly about their relationship with me and their perceptions of me. The rest of the day was like the heavy silence before a storm. At the end of AWANA. See, we have a drawing each week for a small prize and you get more tickets for each section you say. There are special sections that you don't have to do, but if you do them all you get a special sticker to put them on your badge. There are four of these activities at the end of every group of sections, two "silver" and two "gold." My mother (the Director of T&T) said at the beginning of the year that you get one ticket for each of the silvers you do. My sister did two and had only gotten one ticket. She was upset because in the excitement of a game she's lost some of her tickets. i was trying to make sure that my sister Katie (who is in my team) had gotten all the tickets she deserves before we drew for the prize.

And then my father came into the room. I could tell right away that he was stressed out from something and was bringing it with him. The air was tangible, was heavy, with his mood. He said it didn't matter without even knowing what the whole deal was about. I tried to continue the conversation with my sister (she was really upset and thus being very disrespectful and stubborn towards me) and... well, i don't quite remember what my father said, but basically it was to shut up. I just looked at him for a second and all i could ask was:

"Why do you have to be like this?"

Because i was quibbling about symantics or some such. He didn't throw anything, he didn't yell, he didn't need to; the message was clear, that i am worthless, that i am stupid, that i have nothing to offer, that he will never see me as anyone worthy of respect or praise. i said fine, i'm leaving, and i left. i couldn't stop crying for half an hour. It still makes me cry. i have been afraid of my father for longer than i can remember. When i was about three he spanked me for being too close to the road after he told me not to play in it (it seemed to me that i was obeying, that i was far away from the road after he had been unhappy that i was near it). When i was four he once gave me some gum when he picked me up from preschool, and i accidentally swallowed it and started crying because i thought he would be angry.

The reasons i didn't want to move back to Colorado are many, but the main two are because i didn't want to be a financial burden to my parents and because i knew that i couldn't handle living with my father. The wounds are still too fresh.

I've tried so hard not to care what anyone else thinks of me (anyone but God) but it never works. As a female i am wired to see the approval of my father and husband. I don't have a husband and it seems my father will never approve of me. Worst of all, it seems like God doesn't approve of me either when He is so silent and seems so far away. I don't know how to forgive my father no matter how hard i try because i am afraid of him and he still offends nearly every time we are together. But no matter what God does i cannot hate Him or turn my back on Him: my life is still focused on Him even though i've subconsciously been trying to ignore it because it's too painful and too hard for me. I don't know what to do.

Chinatown

    Chinatown was directed in 1974 by Roman Polanski but the film feels older. The settings, the costumes, and the way the actors talk all lend to the idea that this film could have happened just the way it unfolds in a time not so very long ago. This is accomplished because the movie unfolds showing only one point of view—Gittes (Nicholson)—and entirely in temporal order. While certain events most likely aren’t entirely original—such as Gittes and Evelyn (Dunaway) having a smoke after sex—it only lends more to the perception that these events are realistic because so much about them and the setting are familiar. The film is coherent because the sense of expectancy and normalness (despite outrageous events occurring) is never broken.

    Clues and foreshadowing (such as a lost shoe or a gardener replacing grass) are seamlessly woven into the story. It is impossible to catch all of these clues in one viewing, nor fully understand the plot, because this is the type of film that has so many things happening on multiple levels that one cannot take it all in at once. The restricted narration that Polanski uses keeps one guessing and wondering what will happen next. Because there is only one line of plot development the viewer empathizes strongly with Gittes, further, one comes away wanting to see it again and wondering what Gittes could have done differently. All of this lends to the intensity of effect and the complexity of the film.

Form in the Wizard of Oz

    The Wizard of Oz was directed by Victor Fleming in 1939. In this movie our heroine Dorothy Gale feels that her pet Toto is being treated unfairly and she is being ignored. She longs to visit a place where dreams come true. She gets her wish when a tornado dumps her house in Oz. But she instantly wants to go home. With the help of three new friends she defeats a wicked witch, uncovers the deception of the wizard who can help her get home, and discovers that the power to get home has been inside her all along.

    The Wizard of Oz follows the form of a musical. As each step of Dorothy’s journey progresses we learn something new and then there is a song before the journey continues. This form guides the viewer along and as well as fulfilling our expectations so much that the only place it doesn’t occur (when Dorothy and her friends leave the Emerald City to go to the Witch’s castle) leaves a huge and ominous gap that helps change the tone immediately.

    The film also fulfills some of our expectations from prior experiences. The good witch is beautiful, the bad witch is ugly. What is so humorous to me about this is that Glinda and the Munchkins do not know at first whether or not Dorothy is good or bad, which in a large way is an insult. She also does not have a broom as they expect so she has to use the yellow brick road to reach her destination.

    The Wizard of Oz could have several meanings. One possible referential meaning is Kansas is boring and normal being in black and white and Oz is obviously an exciting escape being in color. Dorothy’s return to Kansas and black and white is a return to normalcy. An obvious explicit meaning to the film is that home is always where your heart is even if you long to be somewhere else while you are there. An implicit meaning that I’ve always seen is that none of us need God, that he is a phony like the wizard and all of his powers are smoke and mirrors. The film strongly emphasizes the fact that all one needs is inside one’s self. But as with many great films one cannot watch the Wizard of Oz without taking away any hidden meaning; the film may only do it more subtly that some.

life verse

O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge.
~ Psalm 62:8 (NLT)

how to "change time & date"

Well i have now figured out how to put the time i'm posting on my posts. It was hidden under "Post and Comment Options" and i have to click on that every time i want to change time & date. Now i feel silly; i wonder if it's always been there.

stuck in my head (for days now)

i think you know what i'm getting at ~ i find it so upsetting that ~ the memories that you select ~ you keep the bad but the good you just forget ~ and even though i'm angry i can still say ~ i know my heart will break the day ~ when you peel out and drive away ~ i can't believe this happened ~ and all this time i never thought ~ that all we had would be all for not

no, i don't hate you ~ don't want to fight you ~ know i'll always love you but right now i just don't like you ~ no, i don't hate you ~ don't want to fight you ~ know i'll always love you ~ but right now i just don't like you ~ cuz you took this too far ~ too far

make your decision and don't you dare think twice ~ go with your instincts along with some bad advice ~ this didn't turn out the way i thought it would at all ~ you blame me but some of this is still your fault ~ i tried to move you, but you just wouldn't budge ~ i tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge ~ i think you know what i'm getting at ~ you said goodbye and i just don't want you regretting that

no, i don't hate you ~ don't want to fight you ~ know i'll always love you but right now i just don't like you ~ no, i don't hate you ~ don't want to fight you ~ know i'll always love you ~ but right now i just don't like you

wisdom always chooses ~ these black eyes and these bruises ~ over the heartache that they say ~ never completely goes away ~ (i just can't believe this happened ~ and one day we'll see this come around)

no, i don't hate you ~ don't want to fight you ~ know i'll always love you but right now i just don't like you ~ no, i don't hate you ~ don't want to fight you ~ know i'll always love you ~ but right now i just don't like you ~ cuz you took this too far

what happened to us ~ i heard that it's me we should blame ~ what happened to us ~ why didn't you stop me from turning out this way

and know that i don't hate you ~ and know that i don't want to fight you ~ and know i'll always love you ~ but right now i just don't...

~

let it all out (get it all out) ~ rip it out remove it ~ don't be alarmed ~ when the wound begins to bleed ~ cuz we're so scared to find out (what this life's all about) ~ so scared we're going to lose it ~ not knowing all along ~ that's exactly what we need ~ and today i will trust You with the confidence ~ of a man who's never known defeat ~ but tomorrow upon hearing what i did ~ i will stare at You in disbelief ~ oh, inconsistent me ~ crying out for consistency

and You said i know that this will hurt ~ but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse ~ if the burden seems too much to bear ~ remember ~ the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

and i'll let it be known (at times i have shown) ~ signs of all my weakness ~ but somewhere in me ~ there is strength ~ and You promise me (that You believe) ~ in time i will defeat this ~ cuz somewhere in me there is strength

and today i will trust You with the confidence ~ of a man who's never known defeat ~ and i'll try my best to just forget ~ that that man isn't me

and You said i know that this will hurt ~ but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse ~ if the burden seems too much to bear ~ remember ~ the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

reach out to me ~ make my heart brand new ~ every beat will be for You ~ for You ~ and i know You know You touched my life ~ when You touched my heavy heart and made it light

~ Relient K's "Which to Bury; Us or the Hatchet" and "Let it All Out"

"It is but a shadow and a thought that you love. I cannot give you what you seek."
~ Aragorn

so hilarious

Apparently, even he has noticed the similarity in appearance.

movie marathon

Last night i watched Sky High (good, but not great), Christmas with the Kranks (very strange to see Tim Allen with Jamie Lee Curtis), and Must Love Dogs (better than i expected). It got me thinking about internet personal ads. I am definitely voluptuous (read: "LARGE breasts") and must love dogs is actually one of my requirements. The third movie was very angsty. I guess i just don't get/understand all the emotional baggage involved (how could i? i've never even dated, let alone been dumped/divorced for a younger woman). I just really want to be with someone quite badly... but i want it to be the one right guy. And somehow i just don't think internet ads is going to cut it. So sad. I wouldn't have the money or know how to write an ad to try.

Happy New Year!

My glasses got broken last week at work (i only put them in my pocket, i swear!).

My crew chief today said i was athletic and in good shape. He was really understanding about some people's inability to lose weight/fat even when they do everything "right" (namely me). He's a nice old fart.

I am exhausted but wide awake. There's church in the morning but i have no idea how i'm going to get out the door on time.

exhausted

i have been feeling particularly overstretched of late. i get up before dawn and come home from work after dark. i then feel obligated to spend time with my family but am so tired and feel like i don't have a life. Overall it's been a pretty good job i guess, but there's a lot of physical labor involved and i am so tired and stiff and sore all the time. i wish i could write more but what else is there to say? It feels like all i do is work!

i don't believe in Guilt Christianity

what i'm knitting ~ Fox inspired visor beanie
what i'm crocheting ~ almost done with the Knit 1 newsboy cap
what i'm listening to ~ just finished the Golden Compass by Phillip Pullman


On Saturday i was working with Angela at Midway and had a lot of fun. I suddenly realized while we were talking why i think i want to pierce my belly button: it's because of my cyst. When i was young i had a purplish ball in the middle of my belly button, a cyst that slowly grew as i aged. I became extremely self conscious about showing my stomach and ashamed of it. I would never have worn a bikini simply because i didn't want anyone seeing it. When i got to be a bit older--i'm not sure how old i was, but i already had breasts, though i know it was before high school--i had it cut off. I was already of the opinion that i was fat (though i now know i wasn't) so i continued to hide my body for several years more. I now long for the confidence to show my stomach, for the ability to lose the fat that i don't want and be able to have a sexy stomach. I've read before that incorporating a scar into a tattoo can boost one's confidence immensely and i think that's how i feel about piercing my belly button. I think that subconciously i want to turn something that has been shameful to me for so long into something attractive, even sexy.

Also on Saturday i began to despair because of my financial situation. I'm going to be working full time but i think that i will still be broke. I want to pay my parents back $2000. I need to pay Megan back the $300 she loaned me. I want to bond my car, buy a new computer, get a new cellphone, and i now am yearning for another toy: an ipod (specifically the one at The Leaky Cauldron shop that includes all six HP books in audio form). I would not be able to survive without the support of my parents and that kills me; i've wanted to support myself since i was fourteen. More than that, i want to be able to support myself in the Los Angeles area.

It's impossible (from a human perspective). I don't want my life to be centered on wanting money and things but how else can one survive in this world? The whole planet seems to flourish or languish on money. My heart is already tainted by the pull of greed. It's not that i want a lot of money, it's that i want a lot of things and comforts. If i had a lot of money i'm sure that i'd give a lot of it away, but i want to keep a lot of it for myself, too. I don't want to depend on anyone for anything (except God). After what i have and am going through i don't see how i ever could forget to thank God for something, to ever be so conceited as to think i don't need Him every moment of every day.

On this note it suddenly became clear why i hate certain e-mail forwards so much. You know the ones i'm talking about, the "pass this on if you love so-and-so" and "if you care forward this" etc., etc. forwards. They always try to (keeping a cheery face) engender guilt in the hearts of their readers. In this cute story so-and-so (entirely fictitious character chances are) forgot to thank God so you must be the same way (shame on you)!

That is not the God i know. God doesn't put guilt on you in order to get you to serve Him more. If one has sinned, He will convict you of it. If you have not sinned then there is no reason to feel guilt, and He doesn't want you to feel guilt anyway. God is love, period. Confessed sin is as far as the east is from the west. I know i don't deserve God. I know i am a lowly sinner. I know i am ugly. But He loves me anyway. He doesn't use guilt to get me to serve Him, He showers me with love. This is why i am so devoted to Him, because He gave the greatest gift, the greatest sacrifice, the greatest expression of His love that is possible. That's why i always delete those forwards. They twist God's words and God's will so much of the time that by the time you read it you only get a pale reflection of His intentions if not an outright lie. They don't portray the God i know and see in the pages of the Bible.

Even though my life is in a dark place, a place of broken dreams, my hope is in Him. I look to Him for comfort. The world cannot help me, my goal is to achieve something eternal, not perishable. My goal is not for myself, but for the countless masses who have not heard or not understood or rebelled. My mission is love. I love God enough to do His will no matter what the consequences. My mother asked me last night if i have any regrets about my past, about dropping out of school and rebelling and where i have been. I said no. In reality i have many regrets. In my weakest moments i regret that i've had to live the way i've had to, that i've had to go through what i did, but this is simply me being human and fallible and sinful. I feel sorry for myself far too often when i much rather be strong and more trusting of God. In reality i do not see any other path that i could have taken. I have gone through dark years, taken dark paths, but it was God guiding me. Every step, every request, has been prefaced with "Lord, if it's Your will..." Am i proud of my life? No. Do i wish that i would have done things differently? How can i truly feel that way if i am confident in the knowledge that i have only ever been trying to serve God and do His will??? Would i have done things differently if it were my decision or within my power? Of course, i am a headstrong girl who thinks she knows better than God and has to tame her will in submission to His plan! But God's ways are not our ways, they are far higher. His path is not easy, but it is the only way i will choose to take.

So here it is clear as mud: i fight with my sinful nature but in my heart i know that i can never do any thing but serve God. He is the One i love and adore. He gave everything for me and so i will give everything for Him. I am broken and discouraged and doubting but my hope and faith are and forever will be placed in Him. I weap because i believe the verses such as Proverbs 3:5-6, Jeremiah 29:11-14, Isaiah 40:31, Isaiah 61:1-3, and countless others despite the fact that they don't seem to be true and are mocking me. Yes, Satan mocks me and lies to me, but i will still believe Jesus even though the Great Deceiver's words seem so much closer and truer.

I am not being holier than thou. I am not being great. I am being broken. This Christmas i do not pray for "peace on earth" as so many do and sing about. I believe that when the angel said those words he meant something far more profound than an end to war. I believe that He meant peace in the hearts of those who serve God. I pray for peace for those who love and serve God. I pray for those who don't know Him that they can come to know Him and thus find peace. This is my Christmas wish.

birthday presents

~ Coca-Cola coasters
~ 120 CD capacity travel case (in a sturdy lavender metal)
~ two pairs of socks (one pair of ankle socks, grey with blue flowers, the other knee highs in chocolate with pink flowers)
~ Stitch and Bitch Nation
~ $30 from grandparents
~ Titanic Swim Team t-shirt
~ wooden backgammon set
~ work boots and gloves

I think i made out pretty well considering the fact that i'm now twenty-four. I also managed to blow out all of my candles in one breath and they were spread out.

what i'm knitting ~ a white undercap to accompany the hat i just crocheted (yes, crocheted!)
what i'm crocheting ~ a suede ivory newsboy cap from Knit1
what i'm listening to ~ just finished Eldest by Christopher Paolini (i knew that Murtagh is Eragon's brother and the twins were traitors... now if only Aria would get her act together and let herself be with Eragon)

Today i had my last two finals. I froze during my monologue. I got up there, started, and then my mind went blank. It took me a few seconds to remember what the next line was. For what seemed like an eternity i had no idea what to say next. And then it came to me and i plowed on. It was over so fast! But i know that the monologue was two minutes flat. I have it on good authority that i only paused for a few moments, but it felt like an eternity. I got a B. Cowden wrote that i am my own worst enemy and that i really connected with this character. So i'll get a B in the class i'm pretty sure.

The Spanish final was very different than i expected. Our teacher wrote the test from scratch it seems and it required a lot more sentence writing than i anticipated. I thought we'd have to show more of what we've been learning lately but it blended the whole semester together rather nicely. I'm pretty sure i'll be getting an A in that class.

Tomorrow i start working full time. It's such a relief to not have school hanging over my head anymore. Tonight i made tamales for Christmas. I think i'm going to really enjoy my break. Now if i could only finalize my schedule for next semester...

long day

"If I must boast, I would rather boast about the things that show how weak I am." (2 Corinthians 11:30)

It's been a long day. Today Powderhorn opened for the first time this season. I swung chairs, ran the lift, and shoveled snow. I worked from 8 am until after 4 pm. Needless to say, i'm pretty tired, though not precisely exhausted, just stiff. I am enjoying my new job for the most part.

I've felt torn a lot lately. In some moments i feel more whole and resolved than ever. Other times i simply feel ugly. I don't want to whine or complain. I don't want to "accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad" (Job 2:10b). I don't want to give up but at the same time i don't know how to go on.

I have been trying so hard to find a monologue (from Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing or Chekov's the Sea Gull mainly) and nothing fits. Everything is about love or controling others or giving up because you've failed at all your roles in the past two years. I feel defeated and weak because i haven't even really tried acting. Every time i do try i get nowhere. I'm exhausted and don't know what to do. Should i stay here? Go to Biola (if i can get into the Film/TV/Radio program, and that's a big if)? Quit college entirely? I am poor and helpless: fighting to better my financial and spiritual and emotional and intellectual situation has not helped anything. Indeed i often feel as if i am only making things worse.

I am so humbled. I am fully aware of my incapability of doing anything on my own, of being a huge failure without God to hold my hand and guide me every tiptoe of the way. I don't know what He's doing. I don't know who He is anymore. I don't know how to serve Him. I fight against my self defense nature: should i be selfish or selfless? If no one will defend me, then why should i defend myself? I really am a wretched creature, maybe i should start acting like it.

But of course i'm speaking nonsense. Of course i should be selfless and stop thinking of myself so much and be a servant to all. But i am incredibly afraid, more afraid than i have ever been before, and my greatest fear is that this fear with remain until i die... a thorn that will not be removed. I long far too much to be given gifts from God that are good for boasting about. It's not that i want to boast about them, i just want to feel supremely blessed, to be considered better because i have suffered so much, and thus validated. As i have said many times: i am a fool. I feel a kinship with Paul: i have spent so much of my life trying to serve God by the Book letter for letter than i could boast about it. But i found such service and pride to be meaningless... because i had the wrong motives.

"I have plenty to boast about and would be no fool in doing it, because I would be telling the truth. But I won't do it. I don't want anyone to think more highly of me than what they can actually see in my life and my message, even though I have received wonderful revelations from God. But to keep me from getting puffed up, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from getting proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, "My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me. Since I know it is all for Christ's good, I am quite content with my weaknesses and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:6-10)

The hardest part for me is that last verse: it is my heart's cry but i don't know how to live it. I don't feel so pure anymore. I've been working so hard at being real and genuine that my sinful nature has gotten too strong (mind you, i could still boast about my holiness, but i have still fallen from where i was, and what would it gain me or anyone else to do so?). And i don't feel so strong anymore. I'm afraid to be weak, my weakness overwhelms me and i don't feel that it has brought me much strength. And of course i'm not so glad to be experiencing the insults, etc., at the moment.

I've said before that i almost wish i could sin on purpose just to give God a reason to be mad at me. I'd never do it purposefully, but maybe i've done it inadvertantly. I don't know anymore. I'm so confused. Where is all that He promised me? But more importantly, who have i become? When i look in the mirror i don't usually like what i see, and i'm not talking about things merely at face value. My life has been torn apart, my heart broken, and a way-too-large part of me doesn't know how to trust God anymore. More than that, the faith of a mustard seed hasn't been anywhere near enough for the past seven years.

And that's what it comes down to for me: it will be seven years tomorrow. My life doesn't show any hints of improving drastically, which mean life might as well continue as it has been, at a snail's pace clawing my way up a precipice. I speak with such dramatic and extreme language, but that is how it feels to me. I am not joking when i sing songs that say things such as this:

"i couldn't face my life tomorrow ~ without Your hope in my heart i know ~ i can't live a day without You ~ Lord, there's no night and there's no morning without Your loving arms to hold me ~ You're the heartbeat of all i do ~ i can't live a day without You" (Avalon's Can't Live a Day)

and

"i don't want to go somewhere if i know that You're not there ~ cuz i know that me without You is a lie ~ and i don't want to walk that road ~ be a million miles from home ~ cuz my heart needs to be where You are ~ so i don't want to go ~ without Your touch ~ without Your love ~ filling me like an ocean ~ cuz Your grace is enough ~ enough for me ~ to never want to go somewhere if i know that You're not there" (Avalon's I Don't Want to Go)

That's why i've said that i feel like i'm dead. If He's not filling me up then what is there to live for? If i am not serving Him then what am i living for that's worthwhile? I have failed Him. But He has failed me, too. He promised. I've said "Lord, here am i, send me" (Isaiah 6:8) and He has said no (or perhaps wait would be more accurate) over and over and over again. Is it my fault? Am i doing enough where i am? I try so hard, but the answer is always a resounding no. A no for seven years.

I am crazy, an absolute fool. How can anyone believe such unbelievable promises after seven years of no?!? I must have misheard, i must have gotten the wrong message, He didn't mean that. But He did. I know He did. I cannot let go of it. It is slowly destroying me, eating away at me. Taking the knife out of my side has not healed me. I am destroyed if i let go and destroyed if i hold on so i am simply destroyed.

I hate that He's made me love Him so much. But is it enough love? I have a large cross, do i have the strength to bear it? I still can't answer that question. I do not expect this to be the last night of my hell, there have been too many hopeless anniversaries for that. I do not even know what i'm supposed to be doing here. Should i have hope or despair, faith or doubt, action or wait??? What am i supposed to get out of this? Anything??? I sometimes wonder if i have not met my Imzadi because he is not ready for me yet but can that apply to this, too? Is the world not ready for me? It never will be!

I am nearly twenty-four. For the majority of the population that may seem like nothing, but to me it seems like a lot. I used to count the days as a sort of backwards countdown to hope, but now they are merely a specter looming over me. I have let God slip away from me. I do not know if i have made the right choices in life. I have tried so hard without avail. I have been far too selfish.

What else can i say? I am too tired to try to apologize enough, explain enough, analyze enough. Digestion will not bring me any closer to an answer, only God can give me the answers and hope that i seek. I am afraid that once He does talk to me, all i will be able to say is, "I am nothing--how could I ever find the answers? I will put my hand over my mouth in silence. I have said too much already. I have nothing more to say" (Job 40:4-5). Of course, maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing. I just don't know.

~2326

I've been avoiding posting here. My life is a roller coaster and it seems impossible to capture a moment in time while giving it due attention and dimension. Most of all, i feel very ugly right now.

My mother and i got into an argument the other day. She resents the fact that i use her computer so much. She resents the fact that i always seem so certain about what truth is. One of the things she said to me is: "it's your version of the truth." It hurts me that she doesn't listen to me. It hurts me that she thinks i'm making up stuff instead of realizing that all i'm doing is trying to discover God's truth. I know she thinks i'm looking in the wrong areas, especially when it comes to things like Harry Potter.

On the way to a Chorus performance on Monday we carpooled. We spent ten minutes waiting on girls who never came. Our driver Athena (who has been so nice to me this semester and i really appreciate!) was worried that Mrs. Niles would be mad at her and think it was her fault. I said that i cuss out Mrs. Niles before i'd let her blame Athena. One of the girls sitting behind me asked: "Why would you cuss out Mrs. Niles?" as if i had said i was going to do it for sure. I replied that i was tired of her blaming people for things that aren't their fault or responsibility. I said that i wasn't going to cuss her out but i would do so before i'd let her blame Athena. In other words, i'd try to reason with the woman but i love and respect her enough to take the time to cuss her out.

I'm tired of compromise. I'm tired of trying so hard. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of caring so much that it feels like i'm going to literally be torn apart by the pain. I'm tired of the silence and the dark. I'm tired of being attacked by Satan every day. I'm tired of being overwhelmed. I'm tired of having to look out for myself. I'm tired of being selfish. I'm tired of compromise. I'm tired of trying to please everyone else.

Jacque (who i carpool with to work) says that she likes how i don't care what anyone else thinks. That's not quite true. That's who i try to be: to care only what God thinks. It may surprise everyone, but i struggle with self confidence. I've dreamt of becoming an actress since i was three or four. No one that i work with (especially teachers) ever tells me that i'm doing well, that i'm improving, they only hit me with the bad. I've wanted to be a writer since i was seven. I can't seem to write what i want to. None of my readers ever tell me that i'm improving, that i'm doing better, especially writing teachers. I feel like everyone i meet despises me, barely tolerates me, thinks i'm crazy, and generally gets pissed off by who i am and what i do.

I feel isolated. My family doesn't approve of me or support me. I have no close friends (though classmates have become a welcome source of comfort at times). I don't see how my life is ever going to get better and i'm tired of listening to Satan's lies and getting discouraged. I try to tell myself that this is all part of God's plan, that He's protecting me or trying to teach me something, but it's hard. For all that i have done to try to do His will, to try to put Him first in my life, i only feel farther away from Him and farther away from success.

I can't put into words how much of a failure i feel i am. And i don't have any more time to try right now, either.

~11:49 a.m.

i mean, can you believe this is real?

awe inspiring

drat

Blogger has disabled the ability to edit post times. The time on the post is always the time you loaded the create post page. I like to change it to the actual moment of posting. I guess i won't be able to do that anymore. ):

pretty cool pics

Sunspot Surprise


Magnetic Fields in Technicolor

convicting verses

Finally, all of you should be of one mind, full of sympathy toward each other, loving one another with tender hearts and humble minds. Don't repay evil for evil. Don't retaliate when people say unkind things about you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God wants you to do, and he will bless you for it. . . . you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if you are asked about your Christian hope, always be ready to explain it. But you must do this in a gentle and respectful way. Keep your conscience clear. Then if people speak evil against you, they will be ashamed when they see what a good life you live because you belong to Christ. Remember, it is better to suffer for doing good, if that is what God wants, than to suffer for doing wrong!
~ 1 Peter 3:8-9, 15b-17 (NLT)

I'm sorry that i blew my top the other night. It's hard for me to say things gently. I really don't want to put other people down. I just wish people would use common sense and wisdom instead of blind ignorance. The world attacks Christians enough without the children of God turning on each other. We should be known for our love. It's hard for me to be patient and soft spoken: it's not who i am. I want to be more like Jesus, but it's hard, especially when i am being ignored. I don't want to see other people make fools or sinners of themselves. But i don't want to offend them or turn them away from God, either. I don't know if my words can be gentle. I try very hard, but sometimes i let my passion get away from me. I love God so much, am incredibly grateful about what He's blessed me with, and i don't appreciate it when people believe baseless lies instead of clinging to truth. I just don't know how to shed light on the situation in a pleasing way and prevent myself from being ignored. I'm so tired of being ignored. It's the performer in me longing to be free.

the House decides to keep the troops in Iraq

The decision was nearly unanimous apparently, but Democrats still aren't happy even though they voted to keep them there, too.

Dracula

i just got back and am thoroughly exhausted. i had orientation at Powderhorn today. Standing and sitting at a 3 1/2 hour play is not condusive to rest. Overall i am disappointed. It just got to the point where i couldn't help but wonder what the point was of sitting through it. It was so boring. Not scary, not sexually charged, not inspirational, it just fell short. The vixens were nearly impossible to see. Dracula wasn't scary. The lesbianism was toned down. But the love in it didn't make much sense. The whole production felt hollow. The special effects were awesome, the set good, the acting okay, it was the play itself that stunk the most. I'd rather sit through the movie Van Helsing again: at least i could be watching Jackman and remembering him in other rolls. Oh, and it made me want to see Underworld again, in which Vampires were actually sexy. I'm not sure that i want to work in this (college's) department now.

p.s.

I was interviewed by the local ABC news but my comments didn't make the air. One could see my back for a few seconds during the feature (from when they filmed the entire line from a distance), but otherwise there is nothing to report.

GoF review

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Imho, Goblet of Fire is the best Harry Potter movie that has been made to date. It's very enjoyable and a lot funnier than the past three, but it still has its failings. The first half of the film felt like it was in fast forward. Key details were modified, some for no apparent reason.

Gambon still did not deliver as Dumbledore (i know he can do better than this). And what on earth happened to his spectacles?

The scene in the graveyard was not as scary as i imagined. At first there was a lot of dead time in which key dialogue was omitted. Then the Priori Incantatum was fast forwarded again, the part which is the most important of the film!

Alan Rickman delivers but is used mostly for comic relief. There is only a slight passing reference to his Death Eater status, and Voldemort does not announce that he is going to kill him.

Lucious Malfoy is way too proud and presumptive in the presence of Lord Voldemort.

The makeup for Voldemort is incredible: all they forgot to include was the red eyes. However, Ralph Fiennes portrayal fell a bit short. He was far more menacing in Schindler's List.

The twins and Ginny were used more often to good effect. Percy and Mrs. Weasley are completely left out... which did give Hermione a very funny job (she acts very much in a Mrs. W manner when trying to wake Ron). Charlie is mentioned but not portrayed. I won't even go into Flitwick (i don't really like the changes to him that they've made in the past two films), but i will say that the development of Neville was better than in the past. Dennis Creevey was a welcome addition. Nagini thankfully looked more menacing than the basilisk. Fawkes makes a small appearance. Moaning Myrtle was a bit too much, but overall the humor flowed a lot better. Several scenes were a joy to see because i care for these characters so much. Dame Maggie Smith, for instance, had a small but meaningful part.

Several cast changes were disturbing. Angelina Johnson for instance: what happened to Danielle Taylor/Tabor? Why did they make both the Patil twins Gryffindors? One is supposed to be a Ravenclaw! Why did they have to make Fleur look so incapable (she is a Champion, after all, she should know how to defend herself)? Why did they have to leave out Snuffles, Pig, Dobby, Winky, the Sphinx, and Rita Skeeter's end? Four out of six of those characters are very important to the plots of future books.

Lastly, why cut out the gift of the galleons to the twins? I think that with every film so far it has been the very ending that has failed the most to deliver. Overall, GoF is better but it still has room for improvement. TPTB were able to fit a lot into 2 1/2 hours, but they still just couldn't do the book justice... But as that's almost absolutely impossible i wasn't expecting them too, anyway.

Would i recommend? Yes. Will i go see it in the theater again? If i can. Will i buy the DVD? I can hardly wait for the deleted scenes! I look forward to dissecting the film in greater detail. All in all, it was a cold and sometimes stressful wait for tickets but a worthy way to spend the night of year six, month eleven, day seven, of my own little journey.

al·le·go·ry

  1.
1. The representation of abstract ideas or principles by characters, figures, or events in narrative, dramatic, or pictorial form.
2. A story, picture, or play employing such representation. John Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress and Herman Melville's Moby Dick are allegories.
  2. A symbolic representation: The blindfolded figure with scales is an allegory of justice.

I'm coming clean, here: people sometimes listen to me but instead of actually comprehending they accuse me of lying and/or twist my words. More blunt facts:

1) The Harry Potter books are not entirely an allegory in the way that the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe is for instance. In LWW Aslan not only represents Jesus, he is Jesus, and as such he lays down his life for the sins of Edmund in order to defeat the White Witch (who represents Satan).

2) However, certain aspects of the books can be construed as allegory. A very strong instance of this are the events outlined in chapter one of the Sorcerer's Stone but not explained until later on. Lord Voldemort comes to murder Harry. Harry's father perishes because he will not stand aside. And then when Harry's mother perishes her love for her son creates a protection on Harry that makes it impossible for Voldemort to kill Harry. When he casts the killing curse he is almost defeated. Later when he returns he cannot touch Harry because Harry is encompassed in his mother's love and protection. This is like Jesus' love for us as Christians: He freely died for our salvation and once we accept this gift His protection runs through our very veins. Satan cannot touch us. That's powerful stuff!

3) Voldemort uses dark magic, but he's the bad guy. No one wants him to win. He's the manifestation of evil, a symbol for Hitler or even Satan. He's the ultimate evil, the ultimate bad guy. This, too, is a kind of allegory, but his actions do not directly follow the Bible. After all, Satan's every action in today's world is not depicted in those pages, only prophecies of his eventual actions.

4) In the HP world and our own love and goodness will be the ultimate victors. I have full confidence than in book seven evil will be defeated and good will triumph. This is how it is in the real world, too, even when the dark seems more real than the light.

HP madness

Yes, i went to a midnight viewing. My mom took it well but my dad had to make a bit of a deal about it. At breakfast this morning he said that there is "black magic" in it and that my sister and i were wrong to go. After i left (i bit my tongue) my sis says that my Mom said that Rowling used spells right out of a real magic book. I was understandably upset. I can't believe people (Christians, no less) are still spreading these lies. If the words Harry Potter uses to cast spells are evil then everyone out there needs to stop learning Latin now (bad homeschoolers and studiers of the classics! bad bad bad! (; ). That's what all the words are, Latin for what the person wishes to do (some mixed with a bit of other languages like French or Arabic). Need a little light? Lumos is the word for light. Want to put out the light? Nox is the word for dark. Use your head please, that's why God gave it to you.

I'm sorry if being so blunt offends you; but at the same time i'm not. It's not that i have all the answers, but there are a few things about which i know a great deal, and this is one of them. People who don't listen to me often seem to make themselves look ridiculous because of said lack of listening and it's all on them. Let me see if i can make this crystal clear: 1) Rowling is a Christian. 2) Harry Potter is make believe (this means pretend) and has nothing to do with magic (as it exists in the real world) whatsoever. 3) Real magic is wrong / evil / sinful, but again: Harry Potter has nothing to do with the real world, nor is it anti-God. 4) All of the content of these books pushes Godly behavior. The bad guys are portrayed as bad guys. The good guys are fallible but attempting to do what is right instead of what is easy. 5) God meant for us to use our imaginations: that's why He gave them to us. 6) There are many Christians who read these books and have no problem with it. 7) Many Christians actually see echoes of God's love in these pages and feel closer to Him because of it.

Whoever you are, you don't have to read Harry Potter if you don't want to. If you don't feel it will enrich your life, fine, it's your perogative to ignore them. But don't lie about things that you don't know anything about. Don't listen to other peoples' lies. I fully endorse finding out the truth for one's self; that's what Jesus told us to do, after all. If you want to know more but don't want to read the books yourself--but do want to hear much more detailed observations about Harry Potter from a Christian perspective--click on the button on the right that says "Gryffindor". That's my Harry Potter site. I have written a few essays (linked to right under the words Lumos Nox) that go deeper into my analysis of the lies versus the truth.

You don't have to listen to me if you don't want to, but then why would you want to perpetuate lies, live in the dark, or otherwise make a fool of yourself? Harsh words, i know, but sin is a serious business. Bearing false witness is forbidden in the ten commandments, after all ("Do not testify falsely against your neighbor" Exodus 20:16). I say all of this with a clear conscience... be sure you can do the same.

another fine snowshark poll

for LADIES: Turned on or off or don't care when a guy:

Rides a skateboard: on
Dresses like a surfer bum: ? dc
Dresses in all black: dc
Plays a musical instrument: on
sings: on
Is shorter than you: off
Is taller than you: on
has chapped lips: off
Has green eyes: dc
Has blue eyes: on
Has brown eyes: dc
Drinks alcohol: off
Smokes cigarettes: off
Smokes pot: off
has brown hair: on
Has Black hair: on
Shaggy hair: depends on if he can work it
Shaved head: on
Wears tight pants: huh? probably off
Dresses like prep: off
Plays a sport: dc
Has an accent: dc
Can pick you up: rofl... like this is going to happen, but on
Works out: on
Smiles a lot: on
Calls you just to say hi: i agree, "def on"
Is a deep thinker: on
Lets you know whats on his mind: on
wears eyeliner: off unless it's Depp
eye brow piercing: probably off
Lip piercing: off
Has Tattoos: depends on the tat
Gauged Ears: dc as long as it's not huge

not a very complete list, is it?

re: Bert

i mean, it really would be terrifying to wake up one day and find Elmo staring back at me... on multiple levels.

more randomness (can you tell i'm in a good mood?)

i just love coming here and being greeted by Bert's smiling face every day (:

random

fried gold

who knows where i got it?

re: spring schedule

Tuesday and Thursday
Mythology (unless i decide to change it to Comparative Politics)
Weightlifting
Archery
gap that will hopefully be filled with cardio and lunch
Art Appreciation
World's Greatest Films (as much as it sounds like one, i know this will not be an easy course; you have to write a paper for every film you watch)

Monday Wednesday Friday
Spanish (year one, part 2)

i just noticed: every time i spell Wednesday i say it out in my head "wed" (as in to marry) "nez" (as in the last name of a guy i knew in high school) "day" (as in dia).

i've also noticed that the keyboard i'm currently using is very annoying: the left shift keeps getting stuck and i keep making typos because the keys feel strange.

not so low, solo

So, i've basically decided to stop stressing about school. Knitting was the only thing that was keeping me from going insane. Now i've changed my spring schedule and am not going to worry about it. I've always been able to bring it to my science finals, and even if i don't for this final... i'll just retake it at Biola if i need it (i'm not at all sure i actually will). I might pass with a C, you never know.

At choir i auditioned for the solo in A La Media Noche and got it. Mrs. Niles has been impressed with my progress apparently. I have no idea why. I feel like i'm just doing the same old same old. Anyways, the alto section in particular was overjoyed by the announcement, though the response throughout the entire class seems to have been positive. Athena in particular said she thought that this was just what i needed from God right now. I guess i did pray about it, so thanks go out to Him.

I think that this semester more than any other time i have been able to let loose and just be who i am. I dyed my hair orange. I've been dressing more the way that i want to (though i fully expect to update my wardrobe further as soon as i get my first check from Powderhorn and throughout the season). I've come out of my shell some and stood up for who i am. I've been openly knitting a lot, and i just love it. I have so many projects that i want to do right now... if only i can find the money and the time.

Things are slowly but surely getting better, not so dark. The end of the year is coming on so fast! I have high hopes that the seven year mark will finally be the time where the dark is lifted and God begins whispering to me again. One can only hope, right? Anyways, it's been a good day. I think it's going to stay that way.

life verse

Blessed are those who trust in the LORD and have made the LORD their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank.
~ Jeremiah 17:7-8 (NLT)

getting up

On Friday in Physics we had a quiz on the chapter that we have barely started (in other words, we were being tested on stuff we hadn't even covered yet). Then, in Acting I, we did an exercise called "Getting Up" in which we lay down on the floor and were supposed to take five minutes to get up (in slow mo basically). We weren't supposed to have any movement that wasn't related to getting up and we weren't supposed to stop moving.

Upon beginning i tried to sit up as slowly as possible (my first step): it took me sixty seconds. My teacher (Cowden) says: "Too fast, Kristine, start over." I lay back down and thought for a little while, my mind racing: "How am i supposed to sit up any slower? My abs can't take it. We're supposed to get up the same way we always get up, only slower, there's no way to do this. It's ludicrous." I sat up again. No one else had moved it seemed. I lay back down.

In preface to this activity Cowden emphatically stated: "If you don't want to fully participate then there's the door." I don't want the door. But this activity is impossible. There is no way for me to sit up so slowly that it takes three minutes. At the three minute mark i'm back sitting up and people are finally starting to move a little. I slowly move my hands to the floor beside me, palms down, and start to push myself (from my side now) up onto my knees. Things are finally going a bit better, but here it becomes obvious that this cannot be like the way i really get up because normally i just give a push and am up. But here, i'm going to have to walk my hands towards my knees so i can hold myself upright as i stand from a kneeling position. Four minutes.

I start to slowly lengthen my legs, getting a nice stretch (i can easily place my hands flat on the floor with my feet together and knees straight, so this is nice, but it's not an activity that's sole purpose is to get up). I slowly roll my shoulders up, am done about fifteen seconds short. We get back in a circle and talk about what happened. People say a lot of nonsense about having to concentrate a lot, etc., blah blah blah. Cowden mentions me being in fast forward or something. I say something about my abs not being strong enough to sit up that slowly and he just glares at me. I've seen this look before; it means, "I do not want to hear your excuses." I am this >< close to being thrown out.

We proceed to games where we make a machine out of ourselves, next time an instrument, then we do an exercise where we're split into groups and are given a bit to sing over and over and he changes little bits and we're all different "instruments". This was fun but he kept wanting us to get louder so i got rather hoarse.

Now. I do not want to complain needlessly. I'm not trying to have a bad attitude. I know i need to come out my shell and act crazy in public more often, particularly because i enjoy doing so and it's good development for my chosen profession. But being singled out as being too fast when i actually attempted the exercise as instructed while everyone else just lay there for three minutes is ludicrous.

I then feel like a fool because a friend shows me the call board which i couldn't find because Ivanov gave everyone bad directions. He said "Go down the hall past Cowden's office. It will probably be posted near his office, but it might be farther down towards the Dracula call board. So i go up and down that hall looking for the cast lists for three days and finally on the third day i find out that they were posted on Tuesday as promised and it's not past Cowden's office, it's beside his office in a little hall that only has an emergency exit, and every time i have gone down the main hall the light in this small hall off the main hall has been off and i couldn't even see said call board, let alone read it.

As you can imagine, i had a really lousy Friday.

I'm considering dropping Playwriting now because i don't know that i want to take another semester of Cowden. He's really funny, and inspirational, and then he can be a total jerk. He doesn't care to get to know me, or explain why i irritate him, or what i'm doing wrong, he just wants me to shut up and do something more, something that i have no idea how to discern what it is.

Why do i have to be so literal? Why can no one take ten minutes to explain what i'm doing wrong? Why is it like there was some big meeting that i missed where everything was spelled out for everyone to see but me? I hate it!

I didn't get cast in any of the ten one acts. What am i even doing in this department if i'm not going to get to act? To learn? To work? I am so upset and down about it all. It's the same every day. I hate it.

update

Well, today i went to the Powderhorn Job Fair and got hired (yes)! I am going to either be a Lift Operator and/or a Lift Dispatcher. See, they want to make me Lift Dispatcher, which would basically be a data entry job but i would relay messages via radio in the event of a lift break down. The trouble is that the main days for Lift Dispatcher are Saturday and Sunday as those are the most busy. But i don't work on Sundays. So i will possibly working as a Lift Operator instead (at $7 an hour), but possibly both and splitting the weekend with someone else (the Dispatch position pays $8 an hour). It's too much of a job for one person anyways, even full time. But i'm their only Dispatcher right now. So praise God! Plus Megan is going to let me drive her car while she's gone i think.

Re: GoF, i finally found out that it will be at Carmike with a midnight viewing but tickets aren't on sale yet. At least i found out that much.

Re: Captivating
I read a few more pages today. It's really speaking to me as lately i've been feeling guilty about being so whiny/passionate about my desire for the Lord and this book basically says that's the way i'm made to be (as a woman). I hate feeling guilty for being who i am, so this is encouraging news.

Btw, yesterday i hit six years, eleven months: i'm praying that seven years will be long enough for God. <sigh> But of course i'll wait longer if i have to. ):

(;

THIS IS HOW <tired> I REALLY AM

You are
[] short, under 5'2
[x] 5'2 -5'6"
[] 5'7" - 6'0
[] tall 6'2 and up

NATURALLY
[] blonde
[] redhead
[] brunette
[x] dirty blonde/brownish
[] dark brown
[] black

[x] blue-eyed
[] brown-eyed
[] green-eyed
[-] hazel eyed hey, i got a little bit around my irises!
[] gold/gray/green-eyed
[] silver/gray- eyed
[] blue/green-eyed
[] blue/gray-eyed
[] they change colors

[x] glasses
[-] contacts i miss!
[] neither

[] short hair
[x] medium
[] long hair

Your favorite color(s) are?
[x] red dark red
[] khaki
[] pink
[] hot pink
[] yellow
[] black
[] green
[-] lime green it's up there
[XXXX] blue
[x] white
[x] turquoise duh, it's blue
[] silver
[x] purple
[x] brown
[x] orange especially when with...
[x] grey
[] maroon burgundy or brick is more my color
[?] gold
[x] clear
[] don't really care

Some things you've done?
[x] ice skating
[x] hiking
[] kayaking
[] rafting
[] water skiing
[x] camping
[x] horseback riding
[] surfing and skim/wake boarding i wish!!!!
[x] snowboarding
[x] skiing
[] skateboarding
[] cheerleading
[] lacrosse
[] street hockey
[] gymnastics i wish
[-] martial arts only if tae bo counts: i don't have the money for real martial arts
[] bmx
[] baton twirling

Your personality is sometimes...
[x] talkative
[x] shy
[x] funny
[x] serious
[] laid back
[] grumpy
[] strict
[x] hyper
[XXXX] weird
[?] ditzy
[X] sarcastic
[] slow

you can't stand listening to?
[] pop
[X] country
[] christian
[] classical
[] techno
[] oldies
[?] opera
[] reggae
[] emo
[] 80's
[] disco
[] rap

The pets you have had?
[x] cat
[x] dog
[] lizard
[] rat
[] ferret
[x] bunny hated it
[x] fish ditto
[] duck
[] horse
[] bird
[] frog
[]hermit crab
[] prarie dog
[] none
[] turtle
[x] hamster
[] snake
[x] gerbil
[] guinea pig
[] pig
[] goat
[] chinchilla
[] tarantula
[] geese
[] chicken

Clothing Brands you like?
[] Delia's
[x] American Eagle
[] Hollister
[] The Buckle too expensive
[] Abercrombie & Fitch too slutty... the catalogs i mean
[?] Target
[?] Wal-mart
[] Wet Seal
[?] O'neill
[x] PacSun
[] Aeropostale
[] Dickies
[?] Quicksilver
[x]Roxy
[] Anchor Blue
[NOT] Guess
[] Lucky
[] Champs
[x] Salvation army/goodwill,
[x] if i like it i'll wear it
[sometimes] old navy
[] only name brand
[] dont really care
NO Tommy

Shoe Brands?
[] Nike
[?] Adidas
[X] Reebok
[] Etnies
[] Converse
[] K Swiss
[] Steve Madden
[x] Vans
[x] if i like something ill buy it no matter what brand
[] New Balance
[?] LEI
[] Payless don't carry anything any good anymore
[] Basics
No Keds

States I have been to.
[x] Alabama
[] Alaska
[XXXX] Arizona
[x] Arkansas
[xx] California
[xx] Colorado
[] Connecticut
[] Delaware
[x] Florida
[x] Georgia
[] Hawaii
[] Idaho
[x] Illinois
[x] Indiana
[x] Iowa
[x] Kansas
[x] Kentucky
[x] Louisiana
[] Maine
[x] Maryland
[] Massachusetts
[] Michigan
[] Minnesota
[x] Mississippi
[x] Missouri
[] Montana
[x] Nebraska
[x] Nevada
[] New Hampshire
[] New Jersey
[x] New Mexico
[] New York
[xx] North Carolina
[] North Dakota
[x] Ohio
[x] Oklahoma
[] Oregon
[x] Pennsylvania
[] Rhode Island
[x] South Carolina
[] South Dakota
[x] Tennessee
[x] Texas
[x] Utah
[] Vermont
[xx] Virginia
[] Washington
[x] Washington D.C.
[x] West Virginia
[] Wisconsin
[] Wyoming

your confessions:
[] im afraid of the quiet
[] I am really ticklish
[X] I'm afraid of the dark sometimes
[] I've collected comic books (use to)
[x] I shut others out when I'm sad
[?] I open up to others easily
[-] I read the news sometimes: listen to it more often
[] I love Disney movies NOT
[x] I am a sucker for eyes
[] I don't kill bugs
[] I have "x"s in my screen name
[x] I bake well
[] I have worn pajamas to class
[] I love Martha Stewart No, but i don't think she should have been sent to prison
[] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS
[x] I am self-conscious
[x] I love to laugh.
[] I have tried a cigarette
[-] I can't swallow pills have to stuff it down my throat and water is no help
[X] I bite my nails
[] I want your mom
[X] I play computer games when I'm bored
[x] Gotten lost in the city
[] Gone out in public in your pajamas
[] Made out in an elevator
[] Been skydiving
[] Been bungee jumping
[] Bitten someone
[x] Dressed up like a guy/girl (well duh)
[] egged a house/car
[x] Crashed into a car
[] Been fired
[] Been skinny dipping

Have you ever...
[] stolen a sign
[X] danced in the rain definitely
[x] Seen a shooting star a really bright one Monday night
[] proposed to anyone
[x] Gotten stitches
[] Eaten Sushi
[x] Gotten the chicken pox
[x] Ridden in a taxi
[] Been on a cruise ship
[x]Driven over 400 miles in one day
[x] Been on a Plane by yourself
[] had surgery just stitches
[x] seen a movie more than 3 times in the theater
[x] been on stage
[x] peed somewhere other than a toilet
[?] gotten a black eye
[] memorized all the dialogue in a movie
[x] watched an entire baseball game on tv

Do you like...
[x] old movies
[] musicals not really
[x] blasting music in your car
[x] foreign foods
[] anime
[XXX] Christmas time
[?] donuts sometimes i crave them, but usually it's take 'em or leave 'em
[X] animals
[x] coffee when there's lots of milk, sugar, and chocolate in it

(yawn)

i am so exhausted

i had stuff i wanted to say (that i've been wanting to say for a couple of days, actually), but now i can't remember what it is... i hate that

i remember...

...riding with my father in the yellow ex-mail-jeep, in the front seat, the doors off or open, the wind blowing in my hair, with a sour apple blow pop in my mouth.

...wearing knee high white tube socks, one pair with turquoise stripes, the other with lavender stripes.

...sitting on a pew with my father, learning how to tie my shoes, while my mother was in choir practice.

...running down a hill full tilt, trying not to fall down.

...eating little red berries off the tree behind the Sunday school wing.

...climbing up a huge tractor tire alone and being yelled at because i wouldn't help Megan climb up (even though i had always been told that i had to learn how to climb up alone and never receiving help myself).

...seesawing in the dark.

...learning how to swing while holding a rainbow pinwheel at sunset.

...sitting in a wooden firetruck, playing house, with the only boy who liked me in preschool, and promising to marry him when i grew up under the tree that grew next to the truck.

...accidentally swallowing the gum Dad gave me after he picked me up from preschool and being afraid that he would be mad.

...eating vanilla fudge marble ice cream with one of those funky tongue depresser sticks.

...opening my lunchbox and eating one Twinkie first, the other last.

...wanting to watch Smurfs and He-Man at my babysitters (because everyone else did!).

...being forced to watch Betty Boop at another babysitter's. Climbing up on a huge stump in the back yard, playing velcro-ball tic-tac-toe, crying when Megan pulled the tail off my calico cat doll.

...playing with the pompoms in the preschool nursery, proudly proclaiming that i was going to be a cheerleader when i grew up, and being laughed at. Wanting to play with Play-Doh and color and always being told no. Putting elmer's glue all over my hands just so i could peel it off. Watching Psalty and proclaiming "Beautiful is my favorite song" only to be met with hostility on the part of the other students.

...being forced to try to take a nap on green camp cots in the foyer of the church my preschool was at.

...putting my mouth on the drinking fountain while standing on a stepstool in said foyer.

...praying so hard to get to play the bunny at the Christmas pageant that was on my fifth birthday... and knowing that God heard my prayer and the answer was yes.

...Dad turning the lights off on a certain windy stretch of road on the way back from AWANA.

on boys/guys/the other half of the species

what i'm knitting ~ still working on my PoA scarf (but am nearly done)
what i'm listening to ~ music for Chorus and Acting auditions
what i'm reading ~ i wish
what i'm writing ~ just finished two papers for school

I have pretty much decided to give up on guys yet again. It's just not worth getting all excited about. I go to school four days a week and am surrounded by attractive (and not so attractive males) and none of them show a modicum of interest in me. I only know a few superficially, and there's no reason to drool over guys that aren't into me or share my beliefs. I've always been honest when the subject comes up: i'm a virgin, i'm waiting for a guy to pursue me. People act like i'm crazy when i admit that (that i want the guy to make the first move). They act like, "How can you honestly expect a guy to have the guts to make the first move?!?" My Mom recently bought the book Captivating, which i have read the first two chapters of, and it outlines the way in which women are designed to be. They want to be treated like a princess, swept of their feet by a knight in shining armor, no matter how strong or self sufficient they are. I never dreamt of being a princess as a child, but i must admit that i always felt an affinity for Maid Marion and Sleeping Beauty for some strange reason (bummer, i lost my train of thought, i know there was someone else i wanted to mention)... Yes, i'm talking about me, the girl who likes movies where girls kick *it* with the best of the guys: Max, Leeloo, and Sydney Bristow, just to name a few.

Why do people act like it's wrong to feel that you're completed by another person? Why are we supposed to be independent, not need anyone, and act as if we're perfect? I'm not perfect, i hate being independent, and i do need someone. I need God, but i also feel incomplete being single, even when He's overflowing my heart with love and joy. Why should i be ashamed to admit that? When God created Adam and all the animals He saw that Adam was alone and lonely, that there was no companion suitable for him, and so He made one (Genesis 2:18-24)! And so if God did that for Adam and Eve i believe that i am designed to perfect one man's life just as he is designed to perfect mine. God made us for each other. I think this is why as a child i always assumed that i would marry a boy that was older than me, because God made Adam first so He must make my husband before me, too. (:

Anyways, i'm just so sick of thinking about it all the time. Every time i meet a guy i think: "Could he be the one?" And of course he's not. He's not interested. He's attractive, he's nice, but he's not him. They always say that you'll find him when you stop looking for him (who in the world is "they" anyway? it drives me wild how they always feel that they're an authority about my life) you'll find him. So i gave up on guys. I didn't find one (i thought i might have, but we never got past the crush stage: he didn't want to be friends even, apparently). I slowly started looking again as i got more and more lonely, more and more desperate. I still haven't found him and now i'm a whiney damsel in distress. I don't want that. I don't want to be imagining up situations where Elijah Wood or Orlando Bloom are rescuing me--because quite honestly i don't know that i'd want them rescuing me even if they came, i don't really know who they really are--but i'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that maybe that's exactly who God designed me to be (the damsel in distress). As much as i hate to admit it, i want to be rescued, too. Not that i want my husband to replace God in my life, but i just don't feel complete being single, either.

Now i know that a lot of people are saying to themselves right now: "You don't need or want a guy, you don't know how lucky you are," and, "See the world while you still can," etc. Frankly i don't want to see the world alone and i have no nothing moolah to trade (to quote Jar Jar). My sister is married now, so we can't do things together like we used to. I need a new traveling buddy. Sure, i want to go on the Amazing Race but have no one to do it with. I want to travel around the world, but not alone. Yes, i want kids, but i want them whenever God wants me to have them. If He wants me to focus on school, career, husband for a while that's fine... i just want to at least find a guy to give me my first kiss. I can just see myself getting cast in West Side Story as Maria (i'm imagining this, mind you, i'm not saying it's going to happen) and getting my first kiss(es) from whoever's cast as Tony. That's not the memory i want to have, to be working with and crushing on a guy (or even worse, working with a guy i'm not into) who's kissing me simply because it's in the script.

That's not life... it's holding my breath and waiting for life to begin. I'm sick of it. I don't want to find some random guy and jump in the sack with him, i don't even want to date a guy if he's not the one, but i'm tired of crushes not getting past eye tag and long conversations where we click but nothing happens. I've never even been asked out on a date. I'm going to be twenty-four in thirty-nine days (thirty-eight, really) for crying out loud. I'm so tired of waiting. I know i'm weak, i know i should have more patience, but the last few good crushes i had... one guy was sixteen and one guy had to drop out of the class we had together before anything happened and he reminded my of one of my uncles. That's pathetic. It's like i'm still stuck in junior high; it's been ten years that i've been praying about acting, twenty plus that i've been praying about being a wife, how long do i have to wait? I feel like i'm a fool to have these feelings, to look at a random guy and wonder what it would be like to just be able to have a conversation and know you're understood and helping each other be who they are meant to be. I don't need the sex (though i would like to have it quite a lot :blush:). I need to get past hoping and dreaming and waiting to doing.

But it never happens. It's in God's hands and He never does a single thing with it. Wait, wait, wait. And i hate it. I hate feeling like my life has been on hold every since the day of my first memory when i was about three. I hate feeling afraid of my father and wondering when he's going to get mad again and throw something and break my heart even more. I hate feeling bad because i'm not under his authority but when i was he was telling me to go against my heart. I want to be submissive to my husband. I want to be protected by him. But if he were anything like my father i think it would kill me, too. So i wait for God to send the right one with bated breath and a broken heart. I wait.

prayer

"God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing."
~ C.S. Lewis

"If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair."
~ C.S. Lewis

"Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief."
~ C.S. Lewis

"The primary object of prayer is to know God better; we and our needs should come second."
~ C.S. Lewis

I am ashamed to admit that the person i pray for the most is myself. I pray for other people, but more often i mean to pray for them and then forget to. After all, each day is such a battle... Today was especially so, as i got a Physics test back that was a D(!), had to listen to my teacher insult the collective class because we weren't smart enough to read the book enough times to discover information that isn't even there, and then i had to perform my scene for Acting I (which fortunately actually went pretty well). The scene went better than i expected, but i was so worked up from Physics and so nervous and so out of sorts because my breakfast wasn't settling well (eating a spicy jalapeno bagel alone is not too smart). All morning i prayed for myself. When i heard sirens i didn't even have enough presence of mind to pray for the rescue workers or those who might be in danger (which i always do). I've just been so stressed out that i have neglected prayer. I'm so exhausted all the time that i can't really concentrate long enough to pray properly, either. I've listed some prayer requests on the sidebar; hopefully it will remind me to pray every time i post here at least. (Sorry that i'm not more articulate at the moment!)

stuck in my head

desperation leads us here leads us here ~ illumination meets us here meets us here ~ revelation brings us here brings us here ~ restoration frees us here frees us here

and i don't want to leave ~ i don't want to leave this place ~ no, i don't want to leave ~ i never want to leave this place

it's so amazing ~ Your unchanging love ~ simply amazing ~ never changing love, love, love ~ revolutionary love

reparation leads us here leads us here ~ liberation meets us here meets us here ~ jubilation brings us here brings us here ~ higher elevation frees us here frees us here

it's so amazing ~ Your unchanging love ~ simply amazing ~ never changing love, love, love ~ revolutionary love

Your revolutionary love ~ Your revolutionary love, love, love

You're a revolution i want to be revolutionary ~ You're a revolution i want to be
revolutionary ~ You're a revolution i want to be ~ love, love, love ~ revolutionary love

~ David Crowder Band "Revolutionary Love"

whew

It's been a long weekend. On Saturday morning i went to school at nine. We went over our scene that we present on Monday. There were lots of silly mistakes, but we know our lines (if we could simply spit them out!). I think we can do fine tomorrow; i hope we do fine.

At ten auditions began. I did ten cold readings in the space of four hours. At first it was fun, a bit akward because i was in the same room (and thus the same readings as) Chris Coon, who is a great actor but absolute stranger, but after a while it got exhausting. It was difficult to remain interested in the content. By the end i just wanted to eat and relax. I didn't get called back, which was actually sort of a relief because callbacks were right then. Cast list should go up Tuesday afternoon.

In Sunday school we're now in Job, a subject very close to my heart and that raises a lot of questions for me understandably. (:

Today was church per usual. I took my new hoody planning to basically just wear it outside and ended up wearing it 80% of the time. It wasn't even that cold outside, but it was chilly inside! The message was given by Bobby Vaughn, the Associate Pastor of Missions, and was about men being the spiritual leader in the home and women being submissive. It was pretty good. It was hard for me because (as you all know) i hate being single. He said his grandfather was married to the same woman for 70-some years and died at 102. He got married at my age or a little older, almost certainly had met her at my age. I haven't even met my Imzadi yet (as far as i know). It's just disheartening.

This afternoon my mom and i learned how to play Backgammon together. Not that hard, though i daresay there are probably rules and nuances that weren't covered in our copy of the rules.

At Wal-mat my sister got sick in the middle of an aisle and i got hair dye. See, i've decided to dye my hair dark brown for West Side Story auditions after all. Then, when it starts to fade a bit, i'll use the red-orange color from last time to highlight or cover accordingly. I don't expect the dark brown to stay dark brown for long. So my hair will not be Ginny-ish for GoF, more Harry-ish. I know it's not practical, i know it will be obvious that i did it just for the audition, but i just can't imagine myself auditioning with blazing orange hair.

AWANA went super fast. We only had six in T&T. Went well enough i guess. I thought one clubber was getting close to accepting the Lord, but i'm not sure. She might already be saved, but i just felt she was leaning that way. We were talking about Romans 3:23.

So i just finished my homework. I'm going to go downstairs and dye and shave my legs. Then i'll go to bed. Fun, fun, fun. Pray for us tomorrow, cuz we need it.

stuck in my head

[The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips then walk out the door and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.]

is this one for the people? ~ is this one for the Lord? ~ or do i simply serenade for things i must afford? ~ you can jumble them together, my conflict still remains ~ holiness is calling in the midst of courting fame

cuz i see the trust in their eyes ~ though the sky is falling ~ they need Your love in their lives ~ compromise is calling

what if i stumble, what if i fall? ~ what if i lose my step and i make fools of us all? ~ will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl? ~ what if i stumble? ~ and what if I fall?

what if i stumble, what if i fall? ~ You never turn in the heat of it all ~ what if i stumble, what if i fall?

Father please forgive me for i cannot compose ~ the fear that lives within me or the rate at which it grows ~ if struggle has a purpose on the narrow road you’ve carved ~ why do i dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar

do they see the fear in my eyes? ~ are they so revealing? ~ this time i cannot disguise ~ all the doubt i’m feeling

what if i stumble, what if i fall? ~ what if i lose my step and i make fools of us all? ~ will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl? ~ what if i stumble? ~ and what if I fall?

what if I stumble? ~ everyone’s got to crawl when you know that you’re up against a wall, it’s about to fall ~ everyone’s got to crawl when you know that

i hear you whispering my name ~ You say "My love for you will never change" ~ never change

what if i stumble, what if i fall? ~ what if i lose my step and i make fools of us all? ~ will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl? ~ what if i stumble? ~ and what if I fall?

what if i stumble, what if i fall? ~ You never turn in the heat of it all ~ what if I stumble, what if I fall? ~ You are my comfort, and my God

~ DC Talk "What if I Stumble"

re: page rank

Just who is it that gets to decide how relevant a page is, anyway? One man's junk is another man's treasure.

Hot Topic HP error

Hot Topic is finally coming out with stuff for Goblet of Fire, including T's featuring each of the house seals, the only problem is... Ravenclaw's mascot is not a raven. It's an eagle with black claws. So the Ravenclaw shirt is totally messed up. Way to go on paying attention to details, guys.

wish lists

I've been messing around with my wish lists; all the links should be updated now (the only exception is my Fox wish list which cannot be made public). Clothes are sooooo expensive that it's not even funny. There's all this stuff that i want but i know i probably won't be able to buy even 5% of it. Plus i wouldn't be able to buy it in the size i want. I hate that.

Lately it seems that the more i look around me the more i notice that God is at work all around me. Sometimes He gives me little nudges of hope and relief, and i don't know if it's worse to get these inaudible whispers or to focus on the deafening silence. I never really know if it's just me or if He's really speaking to me. I never know if i should be encouraged or mad because these promises and nudges still deny me fruition, are only attempts to reassure me and get me to hold on for even longer. I hate waiting. I hate the sensation that He is just using me. I want to feel loved again, and comforted, and see with my own eyes the things that--while i know they are true--i cannot see displayed in my life anymore. He's the love of my life and yet it feels like He's turned His back on me. I still struggle to discover how to survive each day, how to serve, how to thrive. I don't know how to stay where i am but i cannot move on. I am in a cage, one not of my making, no matter what others say of it. I am a slave to Him and His will. If it is not His will for deliverance to come at this time i will wait... because i must. Life is not worth living if He is not overflowing it with love and joy.

einstein quotes

"The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which we are permitted to remain children all our lives."

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."

"True religion is real living; living with all one's soul, with all one's goodness and righteousness."

"I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world."

"Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind."

"I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details."

"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing."

"God is subtle but He is not malicious."

more and more

and my page rank is...

3

.

.

.

that's rather depressing.

payday finally!

It's amazing how much spending a little money will make me feel better. Unfortunately i usually end up feeling guilty about buy so much for myself, but that hasn't kicked in yet. I made a one-time pledge to K-Love for tithe (it just felt right at the time), payed off my car insurance (until February if i'm not mistaken), and started my Christmas shopping. I finally got my snowboard back fully equipped, as well as a stomp pad (stars that go just right) and gloves that match it and my new jacket. I found a Fox hoody at Ross for $20 (all the hoodies in my Fox wishlist are about $50). And i bought dinner, some hygiene products (read: shampoo and conditioner and deoderant, all necessary), and some hair dye.

The dye i mulled over for a while: i wanted to dye my hair this cool red-orange again about a week ago. I didn't have the money. Then today a fellow acting major said she was going brunette for West Side Story auditions... so i wondered if i should, too. But i want to be a red head for the GoF premiere in particular, and WSS auditions are the Monday after: it's not very good for my hair or cost effective to dye twice so close. I finally just got the red stuff. If i get cast i'll dye my hair dark brown the week of the show, otherwise it will fade into a color that's too light.

One act auditions (sprung on us when they posted it Wednesday) are tomorrow.

I feel blessed but at the same time want to spend even more on myself but know i need to save since Work Study is over and i don't know that i'll be hired at Powderhorn or when my first paycheck would be. And i still have to do more Christmas shopping, i've only got presents for six out of thirteen people, and that doesn't include stocking stuffers or a gift for the "friend" my uncle is bringing along. And what if i have to buy presents for more family members than that? I like to give, but i always feel like my money is gone before i have it.

life verse

When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you.
~ Isaiah 43:2 (NLT)

worked on the scene today

In my acting class i’m doing a scene with two other young women. We asked our teacher to watch our scene outside of class and he sort of jumped all over me. In the scene i’m in an arguement with one girl and she is really quiet and i’m supposed to be telling her to shut up… which totally wasn’t working. Well i felt like i couldn’t let go and yell at her because i was totally overpowering her, but he said the burden is totally on me and basically that i need to stop messing around, making excuses, and go for it. My other scene partner (who has the least to do) said she’s been trying to tell me the same thing. Man, why can’t people just come out and say things without jumping all over me? I’m trying really hard and feel like i’m getting nowhere. I think i can act, but i don’t know if he was so hard on me because he believes that, too, or if i just stink at it. I hate the way it makes me feel to be yelled at like that, too, and i messed up some of my lines in front of him (that i have been trying soooo hard to nail), which he was mad about, too. I don’t know whether to love him or hate him sometimes.

See more progress on: be an actress

stuck in my head

started rubbing sticks together ~ thought a spark would take forever ~ never dreamt this fire would appear ~ when Moses saw the Bush in flames ~ and heard the branches speak his name ~ i wonder if he felt this kind of fear

cuz i'm burnin' ~ yeah, i'm burnin' ~ and i know i'm gonna blister in these flames ~ so i'll stay here ~ til this smoke clears ~ and i'll find You in the ashes that remain

used to be that i could say ~ my faith was one arm's length away ~ from any flame that ever felt too warm ~ asked for matches, but i recieved ~ a gallon full of gasoline ~ now my cozy campfire days are gone

cuz i'm burnin' ~ yeah, i'm burnin' ~ and i know i'm gonna blister in these flames ~ so i'll stay here ~ til this smoke clears ~ and i'll find You in the ashes that remain

"knock with caution at the door" ~ they said "beware of what you're praying for" ~ so i'll stand here with my whole desire ~ in the middle of this forest fire ~ til i've nothing left to show ~ and new life begins to grow...

cuz i'm burnin' ~ yeah, i'm burnin' ~ and i know i'm gonna blister in these flames ~ so i'll stay here ~ til this smoke clears ~ and i'll find You in the ashes that remain
~ Nichole Nordeman "Burnin'"