Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised.
~ Hebrews 10:36 (NLT)
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Yes, it is now official, all my backgrounds have been lost. You see, sometime since my last computer crash (and before i was able to save all of them to disc again) Prohosting decides to delete my website where all my backgrounds are stored without warning. So now all my hard work and the outpouring of my heart is gone: all i have is little 150 x 200 thumbnails of all my backgrounds... all of them. I was really depressed the night i found out. I keep hoping that they're just experiencing technical difficulties and that they'll magically reappear but i doubt it will happen. I'm just out of luck i guess. I don't know what to do now. It's really disheartening (as if i'm not under enough stress as it is).
Harry Potter pre-orders at Wal-Mart!
All you have to do is put down two dollars and put your name and address on a little card, right? No, i have to wait for a manager or someone of greater experience to confirm that yes, when Wal-Mart puts little cards that say "Pre-Order Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" out with the display of the previous five HP books (in hardback and paperback) they mean it. But i have to be subjected to "Wal-Mart doesn't do pre-orders" and "This can't be valid" and "This isn't good until July 16th" when if they'd just scan the stupid thing they'd see that it is in the computer and i can pre-order it! It was really annoying, especially the second time (because i knew it had worked the first time). You see, first i put my $2 down for myself and then i called my sister to see if she wanted me to do the same for her (she did) so then i drove to the Wal-Mart that's on the other side of town and put $2 down for her. I had to tell them that it worked before (okay, i told them my sister had already done it) for them to even scan the stupid thing. Maybe i should have just shown up at 11:45 p.m. July 15th and hoped for the best (they had plenty of them lying around in Lynchburg June 21st two years ago). Anyway, i can now officially say that i've pre-ordered two copies of the Half-Blood Prince.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Here's the paper that has been monopolizing my time of late. The last thing i want is for my teacher to accuse me of plagiarism and flunk me out of English Composition 112. Please enjoy reading this but do not copy it or reproduce it without my permission: i spent way too much time on this paper but probably didn't spend enough time on it at the same time. I'll be glad when this class is over and i won't have to take any more english unless i so choose.
“Where’re We Going?” (due April 15th, 2005)
Joyce Carol Oates' book Black Water relates the story of a young woman who dies in the sinking car of a senator (Caldwell; Claffey). Oates asserts that Black Water is not a retelling of the accident involving Senator Edward Kennedy in 1969 (Caldwell) "But no one can not read Black Water outside the context of the awful moment in history that inspired it" (Caldwell). Similarly, reading the article "The Pied Piper of Tucson" inspired Oates to write "Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?" but the depicted events have distinct differences. Both the news story and short story recount the events leading up to the antagonists committing the crime and, because they lack the graphic details present day renditions would contain, utilize open denouement.
In "Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?" the protagonist is Connie, a fifteen-year-old girl who is obsessed with her good looks (Oates 308-309). “Oates effectively portrays a teen-ager who haunts the shopping malls and hamburger joints with other girls just like her, who fights with her mother and feels contempt for her ‘plain and steady’ older sister, and who spends her time ‘thinking, dreaming about the boys she met” (Johnson 99). This popular girl not only likes to hang out with older guys: afterwards they go somewhere private to have sex (Oates 310-311). Her mother rarely asks "Where are you Going?" or "Where have you been?" (311). She does not know what Connie really does when she goes out with her friends because "Everything about her had two sides to it, one for home and one for anywhere that was not home. . . " (309) and when her mother did actually ask questions she ". . .was simple and kindly enough to believe her" (311).
Connie's "wisecracking exterior . . . conceals her insecurity and dreamy romanticism" (Johnson 99); she spends the whole summer dreaming about boys and how wonderful it is to be with them (Oates 312). Oates writes:
Charles Schmid–who bacame known as the Pied Piper of Tucson in a Life Magazine article–did not have only one victim, but three (Moser 19). Alleen Rowe was fifteen when she disappeared (80D; Ramsland 3). She actually discussed things with her mother, who "had lately been concerned about Alleen's friendship with a neighborhood girl named Mary French" (80D). Mary was one of Schmid's girlfriends, so Alleen knew Schmid, too (82; 3). Alleen had mixed feelings about him: "'He's creepy,' she once told her mother, 'he just makes me crawl. But he can be nice when he wants to'" (Rowe qtd. in Moser 82).
One night Schmid, a friend of his named Saunders, and Mary picked Alleen up from her home (82; 3). Mary had convinced her to drive out Golf Links Road to drink in the desert with them (82; 3); Schmid had decided ahead of time to kill Alleen (3). After they had been talking in a wash for a while Mary went back to the car (82; 3). Schmid raped Alleen, then killed her by hitting her in the back of the head with a rock (3). The three friends dug a grave together and buried Alleen in the sand (82; 3). Then they went back to the car and wiped it clean of prints (82; 3). Alleen's mother reported her daughter's disappearance to the police but they believed that her daughter had simply run away (82; 3).
One of Schmid’s other victims was Gretchen Fritz, who he saw for the first time about two months later at a swimming pool (84; 4). Schmid was warned that she was trouble (4), but he liked her so much that he followed her home (84; 4). Schmid would lie about nearly anything to make himself look good or get women to sleep with him (24 ; 2); Gretchen lied just as much (4). Schmid had rich parents who funded his pursuits (80D; 2); Gretchen’s parents were rich, too, and did not approve of her behavior (4). The two eventually dated, and they were wild about each other, but they often argued about the other women he saw (84 ; 4). The details are unclear, but Schmid eventually killed Gretchen, who was seventeen, and her sister Wendy, who was thirteen (19, 87; 3), one night after they had been to a drive-in movie (87). He later buried the two sisters in the desert (87-88; 5) and was eventually convicted of the crimes (7).
Oates chose not to give her readers such a clear-cut ending, but despite some differences the two stories are similar in many ways. Schmid preferred blondes (84) and Connie is blonde (Oates 309). Friend's hair was black (312), the color Schmid dyed his (Moser 23). Friend was barely taller than Connie (Oates 314) and "one of his boots was at a strange angle, as if his foot wasn't in it" (319). Like Schmid (Moser 21-23), Friend's boots were ". . . stuffed with something so that he would seem taller" (Oates 320), he drove a gold car (310; Moser 23), and wore makeup so he appeared to be tanner (319; 23). Connie notes Friend's muscular physique (314); Schmid was a gymnast (21). The biggest difference between the victims is that all of the girls Schmid killed knew him ahead of time while Connie had only seen Friend once before (Oates 310) and while It is clear that Alleen resisted Schmid’s attack (Ramsland 3), it appears that Connie ultimately did not (Oates 321-323).
While Connie was not afraid of Friend at first “. . .the narrative takes a sharp, unexpected turn when Connie is suddenly left alone, separated from her giggling friends and her stern but protective family” (Johnson 100). She was already nervous about being alone (Oates 312), but when she hears a car coming up the drive she becomes self-conscious about her appearance (312). When talking to Friend "She couldn't decide if she liked him or if he was just a jerk, and so she dawdled in the doorway and wouldn't come down or go back inside" (313). At first glance Arnold appears to be a flat and static character, but as his conversation with Connie progresses and warnings start to sound in Connie’s head new aspects to the character unfold. She becomes uneasy because she cannot tell what Friend is looking at while he’s wearing shades (313), he knows her name already (314), and all of his actions just seem a little off (314-316). “He stood there so stiffly relaxed, pretending to be relaxed, with one hand idly on the door handle as if he were keeping himself up that way and had no intention of ever moving again” (316). Like Schmid with Gretchen (Moser 84; Ramsland 4), Friend did his homework before he came to see Connie: he asks questions about her, he follows her home, and knows details about her life before they even meet like her friends’ names (Oates 315), that she was with a guy the night before (317), and that her parents will not be home for hours (318). Friend uses this information to empower himself, to show Connie that she is vulnerable and does not have a chance to escape. In Connie’s moment of crisis Friend coaxes:
This initiation story is emblematic of Oates’ stories and “has generally been recognized as uniting Oates's greatest strengths as a short story writer" (Johnson 99). Oates uses realism so we can identify with Connie but "Violence, or the threat of violence, always lurks in the background of her work. Her writing ‘involves conflict between a seemingly settled, peaceful life and a sudden intrusion of violence'. Often the violence is psychological or sexual . . ." (Steinberg). In a world where the most popular programs are crime dramas and news broadcasts that relate violent crimes in vivid detail every day, "Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?" may seem tame in comparison but "horror resides in the transformation of what we know best, the intimate and comfortable details of our lives made suddenly threatening" (Sullivan qtd. in Wegs 87) which is exactly what "The Pied Piper" was all about: no one felt safe anymore.
Modern readers are used to receiving a clearly defined ending, but Oates chose to use open denouement, to leave us wondering if Friend followed through on his threats (which he almost certainly did) and if he is still out there hurting someone else. “. . .Oates's ability to absorb and then to transmit in her fiction the terror which is often part of living in America today. . . " (Wegs 87) is what makes her stories seem real and applicable.
Works Cited Caldwell, Gail. "Oates 'Black Water': Unexpectedly Haunting." The Boston Globe. 21 May 1992, city edition: LIVING 92. Academic Universe. LexisNexis. 22 March 1992. Tomlinson Library, ID. 29 March 2005. <http://www.lexisnexis. com">.
Claffey, Charles E. "Chappaquiddick Metaphor." The Boston Globe. 10 April 1992, city edition: METRO/REGION 1. Academic Universe. LexisNexis. 11 April 1992. Tomlinson Library, ID. 29 March 2005. <http://www.lexisnexis. com">.
Johnson, Greg. Understanding Joyce Carol Oates. Columbia: University of South Carolina Press, 1987.
Moser, Don. "The Pied Piper of Tucson." Life. 4 March 1966: 18-24, 80C-90.
Oates, Joyce Carol. "Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?" Literature: A Pocket Anthology. Ed. R. S. Gwynn. New York: Pearson Longman, 2005. 308-323.
Ramsland, Katherine. "Charles Schmid: The Pied Piper." Court TV's Crime Library. 2005. 31 March 2005. <http://www.crimelibrary.com/serial2/schmid/index.html>.
Steinberg, Sybil. "Prolific Oates." Publishers Weekly. 13 September 2004. Academic Universe. LexisNexis. 16 September 2004. Tomlinson Library, ID. 29 March 2005.
Urbanski, Marie Mitchell Olesen. “Existential Allegory: Joyce Carol Oates ‘Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?’” Studies in Short Fiction. Gale Database. Spring 1978. 31 March 2005. <http://galenet.galegroup.com/servlet/GLD/>.
Wegs, Joyce M. "'Don't You Know Who I Am?' The Grotesque in Oates's 'Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?'" Critical Essays on Joyce Carol Oates. Ed. Linda W. Wagner. Boston: G. K. Hall & Co., 1979. 87-92.
In "Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?" the protagonist is Connie, a fifteen-year-old girl who is obsessed with her good looks (Oates 308-309). “Oates effectively portrays a teen-ager who haunts the shopping malls and hamburger joints with other girls just like her, who fights with her mother and feels contempt for her ‘plain and steady’ older sister, and who spends her time ‘thinking, dreaming about the boys she met” (Johnson 99). This popular girl not only likes to hang out with older guys: afterwards they go somewhere private to have sex (Oates 310-311). Her mother rarely asks "Where are you Going?" or "Where have you been?" (311). She does not know what Connie really does when she goes out with her friends because "Everything about her had two sides to it, one for home and one for anywhere that was not home. . . " (309) and when her mother did actually ask questions she ". . .was simple and kindly enough to believe her" (311).
Connie's "wisecracking exterior . . . conceals her insecurity and dreamy romanticism" (Johnson 99); she spends the whole summer dreaming about boys and how wonderful it is to be with them (Oates 312). Oates writes:
Connie sat with her eyes closed in the sun, dreaming and dazed with the warmth about her as if this were a kind of love, the caresses of love, and her mind slipped over onto thoughts of the boy she had been with the night before and how nice it had been, how sweet it always was, not the way someone like June would suppose but sweet, gentle, the way it was in movies and promised in songs. . . . (312)Meeting Arnold Friend was a rude awakening for Connie. She had originally seen him at the drive-in restaurant when she was with another boy (310). When he drives up on a sunny Sunday (312) Friend talks to Connie about the music they are listening to, introduces her to his friend Ellie, and tries to convince her to come on a drive with him (313-314). Connie eventually gives into her fear and presumably goes with Friend (321-323).
Charles Schmid–who bacame known as the Pied Piper of Tucson in a Life Magazine article–did not have only one victim, but three (Moser 19). Alleen Rowe was fifteen when she disappeared (80D; Ramsland 3). She actually discussed things with her mother, who "had lately been concerned about Alleen's friendship with a neighborhood girl named Mary French" (80D). Mary was one of Schmid's girlfriends, so Alleen knew Schmid, too (82; 3). Alleen had mixed feelings about him: "'He's creepy,' she once told her mother, 'he just makes me crawl. But he can be nice when he wants to'" (Rowe qtd. in Moser 82).
One night Schmid, a friend of his named Saunders, and Mary picked Alleen up from her home (82; 3). Mary had convinced her to drive out Golf Links Road to drink in the desert with them (82; 3); Schmid had decided ahead of time to kill Alleen (3). After they had been talking in a wash for a while Mary went back to the car (82; 3). Schmid raped Alleen, then killed her by hitting her in the back of the head with a rock (3). The three friends dug a grave together and buried Alleen in the sand (82; 3). Then they went back to the car and wiped it clean of prints (82; 3). Alleen's mother reported her daughter's disappearance to the police but they believed that her daughter had simply run away (82; 3).
One of Schmid’s other victims was Gretchen Fritz, who he saw for the first time about two months later at a swimming pool (84; 4). Schmid was warned that she was trouble (4), but he liked her so much that he followed her home (84; 4). Schmid would lie about nearly anything to make himself look good or get women to sleep with him (24 ; 2); Gretchen lied just as much (4). Schmid had rich parents who funded his pursuits (80D; 2); Gretchen’s parents were rich, too, and did not approve of her behavior (4). The two eventually dated, and they were wild about each other, but they often argued about the other women he saw (84 ; 4). The details are unclear, but Schmid eventually killed Gretchen, who was seventeen, and her sister Wendy, who was thirteen (19, 87; 3), one night after they had been to a drive-in movie (87). He later buried the two sisters in the desert (87-88; 5) and was eventually convicted of the crimes (7).
Oates chose not to give her readers such a clear-cut ending, but despite some differences the two stories are similar in many ways. Schmid preferred blondes (84) and Connie is blonde (Oates 309). Friend's hair was black (312), the color Schmid dyed his (Moser 23). Friend was barely taller than Connie (Oates 314) and "one of his boots was at a strange angle, as if his foot wasn't in it" (319). Like Schmid (Moser 21-23), Friend's boots were ". . . stuffed with something so that he would seem taller" (Oates 320), he drove a gold car (310; Moser 23), and wore makeup so he appeared to be tanner (319; 23). Connie notes Friend's muscular physique (314); Schmid was a gymnast (21). The biggest difference between the victims is that all of the girls Schmid killed knew him ahead of time while Connie had only seen Friend once before (Oates 310) and while It is clear that Alleen resisted Schmid’s attack (Ramsland 3), it appears that Connie ultimately did not (Oates 321-323).
While Connie was not afraid of Friend at first “. . .the narrative takes a sharp, unexpected turn when Connie is suddenly left alone, separated from her giggling friends and her stern but protective family” (Johnson 100). She was already nervous about being alone (Oates 312), but when she hears a car coming up the drive she becomes self-conscious about her appearance (312). When talking to Friend "She couldn't decide if she liked him or if he was just a jerk, and so she dawdled in the doorway and wouldn't come down or go back inside" (313). At first glance Arnold appears to be a flat and static character, but as his conversation with Connie progresses and warnings start to sound in Connie’s head new aspects to the character unfold. She becomes uneasy because she cannot tell what Friend is looking at while he’s wearing shades (313), he knows her name already (314), and all of his actions just seem a little off (314-316). “He stood there so stiffly relaxed, pretending to be relaxed, with one hand idly on the door handle as if he were keeping himself up that way and had no intention of ever moving again” (316). Like Schmid with Gretchen (Moser 84; Ramsland 4), Friend did his homework before he came to see Connie: he asks questions about her, he follows her home, and knows details about her life before they even meet like her friends’ names (Oates 315), that she was with a guy the night before (317), and that her parents will not be home for hours (318). Friend uses this information to empower himself, to show Connie that she is vulnerable and does not have a chance to escape. In Connie’s moment of crisis Friend coaxes:
I mean, anybody can break through a screen door and glass and wood and iron or anything else if he needs to, anybody at all and specially Arnold Friend. If the place got lit up with a fire hone you’d come runnin’ out into my arms, right into my arms an’ safe at home—like you knew I was your lover and’d stopped fooling around. (319)It slowly becomes clear to Connie that Friend wants her and will not take no for an answer (319-320). In this moment Connie tries to resist but has an epiphany: there is nothing she can do to escape, she is trapped. “Friend’s mesmeric influence on Connie. . represents a superhuman force” (Urbanski). Oates writes:
She cried out, she cried for her mother, she felt her breath start jerking back and forth in her lungs as if it were something Arnold Friend were stabbing her with again and again with no tenderness. . . . She was hollow with what had been fear, but what was now just an emptiness. All that screaming had blasted it out of her. . . .She thought, I'm not going to see my mother again. She thought, I'm not going to sleep in my bed again. (321-322)Friend reiterates this: “The place where you came from ain’t there any more, and where you had in mind to go is canceled out” (322). He lets Connie know that he has the power and she has no choice but come with him else he hurt her loved ones (322). Connie is suddenly initiated with a right of passage that no one would wish to experience.
This initiation story is emblematic of Oates’ stories and “has generally been recognized as uniting Oates's greatest strengths as a short story writer" (Johnson 99). Oates uses realism so we can identify with Connie but "Violence, or the threat of violence, always lurks in the background of her work. Her writing ‘involves conflict between a seemingly settled, peaceful life and a sudden intrusion of violence'. Often the violence is psychological or sexual . . ." (Steinberg). In a world where the most popular programs are crime dramas and news broadcasts that relate violent crimes in vivid detail every day, "Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?" may seem tame in comparison but "horror resides in the transformation of what we know best, the intimate and comfortable details of our lives made suddenly threatening" (Sullivan qtd. in Wegs 87) which is exactly what "The Pied Piper" was all about: no one felt safe anymore.
Modern readers are used to receiving a clearly defined ending, but Oates chose to use open denouement, to leave us wondering if Friend followed through on his threats (which he almost certainly did) and if he is still out there hurting someone else. “. . .Oates's ability to absorb and then to transmit in her fiction the terror which is often part of living in America today. . . " (Wegs 87) is what makes her stories seem real and applicable.
Claffey, Charles E. "Chappaquiddick Metaphor." The Boston Globe. 10 April 1992, city edition: METRO/REGION 1. Academic Universe. LexisNexis. 11 April 1992. Tomlinson Library, ID. 29 March 2005. <http://www.lexisnexis. com">.
Johnson, Greg. Understanding Joyce Carol Oates. Columbia: University of South Carolina Press, 1987.
Moser, Don. "The Pied Piper of Tucson." Life. 4 March 1966: 18-24, 80C-90.
Oates, Joyce Carol. "Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?" Literature: A Pocket Anthology. Ed. R. S. Gwynn. New York: Pearson Longman, 2005. 308-323.
Ramsland, Katherine. "Charles Schmid: The Pied Piper." Court TV's Crime Library. 2005. 31 March 2005. <http://www.crimelibrary.com/serial2/schmid/index.html>.
Steinberg, Sybil. "Prolific Oates." Publishers Weekly. 13 September 2004. Academic Universe. LexisNexis. 16 September 2004. Tomlinson Library, ID. 29 March 2005.
Urbanski, Marie Mitchell Olesen. “Existential Allegory: Joyce Carol Oates ‘Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?’” Studies in Short Fiction. Gale Database. Spring 1978. 31 March 2005. <http://galenet.galegroup.com/servlet/GLD/>.
Wegs, Joyce M. "'Don't You Know Who I Am?' The Grotesque in Oates's 'Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?'" Critical Essays on Joyce Carol Oates. Ed. Linda W. Wagner. Boston: G. K. Hall & Co., 1979. 87-92.
Saturday, April 16, 2005
life verse
I waited patiently for the LORD to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry.
~ Psalm 40:1 (NLT)
~ Psalm 40:1 (NLT)
Never Shut Up and dark fire merge
Yep, i've deleted the Never Shut Up blog. I've archived all the NSU posts here and now the two blogs are one. Lately it's hard for me to decide whether or not it is a godly sentiment for me to say "i never shut up." It's also been hard for me to write here at dark fire: i'm tired of this blog only being doom and gloom. I'm going to try to start posting more even if it's only the lyrics to songs that are stuck in my head, or verses that touch my life, or quotes that i like. Last October i was posting tons: i'm going to try to keep this blog up and continue to expand my topics.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
As You DisLike It
Last night i was sitting around backstage, waiting to help in the momentary mad rush or changing the two female leads, and it struck me how much it stunk to be where i was and yet i was too tired to care. I had a book to read, music to listen to, and nothing else to do but wait for this and clean up. All i had to do at home was watch some TV, but i didn't care to be there or anywhere else. I'm really trying hard to tread water against the current that threatens to suck me down. I'm not depressed anymore: i'm too busy to be depressed. I'm trying to hold on to hope but i'm sort of too busy to do that anymore, either. The episode with my S.S. teacher really messed me up, but i try not to think of it (though it sometimes enters my dreams). I haven't recovered from daylight savings time change but what's new? I just try to keep hoping and dreaming and somehow get through it all. "Lord i know the only way is through this ~ Lord i know, i need You to help me do this." Gotta go to class.
stuck in my head
pilgrim, how you journey ~ on the road you chose ~ to find out why the winds die ~ and where the stories go ~ all days come from one day ~ that much you must know ~ you cannot change what's over ~ but only where you go
one way leads to diamonds ~ one way leads to gold ~ another leads you only ~ to everything you're told ~ in your heart you wonder ~ which of these is true ~ the road that leads to nowhere ~ the road that leads to you
will you find the answer ~ in all you say and do? ~ will you find the answer ~ in you?
each heart is a pilgrim ~ each one wants to know ~ the reason why the winds die ~ and where the stories go ~ pilgrim, in your journey ~ you may travel far ~ for pilgrim it's a long way ~ to find out who you are
pilgrim, it's a long way ~ to find out who you are ~ pilgrim, it's a long way ~ to find out who you are
~ Enya's "Pilgrim"
one way leads to diamonds ~ one way leads to gold ~ another leads you only ~ to everything you're told ~ in your heart you wonder ~ which of these is true ~ the road that leads to nowhere ~ the road that leads to you
will you find the answer ~ in all you say and do? ~ will you find the answer ~ in you?
each heart is a pilgrim ~ each one wants to know ~ the reason why the winds die ~ and where the stories go ~ pilgrim, in your journey ~ you may travel far ~ for pilgrim it's a long way ~ to find out who you are
pilgrim, it's a long way ~ to find out who you are ~ pilgrim, it's a long way ~ to find out who you are
~ Enya's "Pilgrim"
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
silence doesn't mean i don't care ~ NSU post #29
I wish i could write here more. I have been so busy with school and so overwhelmed that i feel like i'm being pulled apart at the seems. I'll try to give a little update:
My ex-teacher still won't talk to me; i now have a mentor who says that he should be the one to initiate anything but he doesn't. It's his fault and his problem. I've tried to let go of it but it's hard. My parents class (which i have been attending) has been growing and thriving. I've heard rumors that his class has been, too.
Allergies have been bad for me this year. I sang in the Easter "Musical" at church (it was more like a contata with narration) and a concert with the Women's Chorus at school. WC has another concert in two weeks where we sing Stabat Mater and other music.
I had two midterms last week and a research paper that i didn't have enough time to do. Our teacher moved back the due date, which has put some pressure off, but our final paper is going to be killer trying to get out because of it. I don't know how i'm going to get everything done.
I haven't had time for a job so it's just as well that i haven't found one. Except for the fact that my father (who once said that if i went to college i wouldn't have to work) now is pressuring me to find a job. I do not have the time and i know i couldn't deal with the stress if it was a bad work environment like most of the jobs i've had.
I want to go to school in Hawai'i next year but it would cost a lot more. I don't know if i should stay here. I know i can't go to Biola this year and am worried about letters of recommendation when/if i finally apply there again.
I've been driving my parents car for months because i can't get the title for my car... not that i have the money to pay for that or plates or insurance.
I babysit for a family friend one-four times a month and only charge her $20 for an overnight stay. I know she thinks that's a lot but i know that in high school the going rate for someone my age to babysit was $16-24 an hour.
Snowboarding is over and my body has been bleah since but i don't know how to find the time to go to the gym.
I have been very overwhelmed. I alternate between being mad at God and putting my trust fully in Him. I don't know how to get through each day and am surprised at the end of each day. I'm not thriving, i'm barely getting by, and i don't know how to change that. Part of this is that i can't write here or work on my website.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince comes out July 16th and i'm getting excited. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire will be in theaters in November (it's my favorite book of the series so i'm apprehensive and wonder if they can do it justice with 2 1/2 hours).
Star Wars episode three comes out right after my sister's birthday. Her baby is due in July and her husband will be going to Korea for a year (alone). She's been pretty stressed lately herself.
I'm still here in the dark, waiting, trying to tell myself that just because God has been silent doesn't mean He doesn't care.
My ex-teacher still won't talk to me; i now have a mentor who says that he should be the one to initiate anything but he doesn't. It's his fault and his problem. I've tried to let go of it but it's hard. My parents class (which i have been attending) has been growing and thriving. I've heard rumors that his class has been, too.
Allergies have been bad for me this year. I sang in the Easter "Musical" at church (it was more like a contata with narration) and a concert with the Women's Chorus at school. WC has another concert in two weeks where we sing Stabat Mater and other music.
I had two midterms last week and a research paper that i didn't have enough time to do. Our teacher moved back the due date, which has put some pressure off, but our final paper is going to be killer trying to get out because of it. I don't know how i'm going to get everything done.
I haven't had time for a job so it's just as well that i haven't found one. Except for the fact that my father (who once said that if i went to college i wouldn't have to work) now is pressuring me to find a job. I do not have the time and i know i couldn't deal with the stress if it was a bad work environment like most of the jobs i've had.
I want to go to school in Hawai'i next year but it would cost a lot more. I don't know if i should stay here. I know i can't go to Biola this year and am worried about letters of recommendation when/if i finally apply there again.
I've been driving my parents car for months because i can't get the title for my car... not that i have the money to pay for that or plates or insurance.
I babysit for a family friend one-four times a month and only charge her $20 for an overnight stay. I know she thinks that's a lot but i know that in high school the going rate for someone my age to babysit was $16-24 an hour.
Snowboarding is over and my body has been bleah since but i don't know how to find the time to go to the gym.
I have been very overwhelmed. I alternate between being mad at God and putting my trust fully in Him. I don't know how to get through each day and am surprised at the end of each day. I'm not thriving, i'm barely getting by, and i don't know how to change that. Part of this is that i can't write here or work on my website.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince comes out July 16th and i'm getting excited. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire will be in theaters in November (it's my favorite book of the series so i'm apprehensive and wonder if they can do it justice with 2 1/2 hours).
Star Wars episode three comes out right after my sister's birthday. Her baby is due in July and her husband will be going to Korea for a year (alone). She's been pretty stressed lately herself.
I'm still here in the dark, waiting, trying to tell myself that just because God has been silent doesn't mean He doesn't care.
Symptom #1 has reared its ugly head... ~ NSU post #28
...in a new and unpredictable way and won. Terri Schiavo has been murdered and it was totally legal. I know that this is a controversial subject and there are those who wish that those of us who are vocal about this issue to just shut up but i have to speak out about this. I'll try to be brief:
the judicial system let Terri down
it sided with a husband who was possibly abusive
it refused her therapy
it refused to acknowledge that her medical condition had been misclassified (as in a coma instead of just brain damaged)
it refused to hear any new evidence or admit that it might have made a mistake
and so they made an even bigger one
Michael Schiavo's attorney said that Terri was beautiful and at peace and comfortable while she was dying. I find this hard to believe. How comfortable can it be to slowly starve to death, without even water to ease your parched mouth? I've been led to believe that it's torture.
Mr. Schiavo suddenly remembered that his wife once said she didn't want to be kept alive like this seven years after her condition began. A friend from high school came forward and said that Terri once chewed her out for telling a demeaning joke about someone in a coma and said she would want to stay alive if it happened to her. Several doctors and nurses have said that Terri wasn't in a coma and that she could have recovered in her own way. A guy in my American Government class says he went to high school with a boy who was in a condition like Terri's.
Her husband would even let her parents be with her as she died. Sure there was music and flowers, etc., but his whole premise/argument in court was that she didn't know what was going on around her so why did he bother? I think she was aware and in pain. I think she was afraid of her husband and it was for a reason. I think he is a jerk and should be prosecuted for breaking the law: for abusing her and living with another woman while he was still married to Terri (both are illegal in Florida). I doubt justice will ever be served.
From all i've heard and read a great crime was committed here and it scares me that so few seem to care.
the judicial system let Terri down
it sided with a husband who was possibly abusive
it refused her therapy
it refused to acknowledge that her medical condition had been misclassified (as in a coma instead of just brain damaged)
it refused to hear any new evidence or admit that it might have made a mistake
and so they made an even bigger one
Michael Schiavo's attorney said that Terri was beautiful and at peace and comfortable while she was dying. I find this hard to believe. How comfortable can it be to slowly starve to death, without even water to ease your parched mouth? I've been led to believe that it's torture.
Mr. Schiavo suddenly remembered that his wife once said she didn't want to be kept alive like this seven years after her condition began. A friend from high school came forward and said that Terri once chewed her out for telling a demeaning joke about someone in a coma and said she would want to stay alive if it happened to her. Several doctors and nurses have said that Terri wasn't in a coma and that she could have recovered in her own way. A guy in my American Government class says he went to high school with a boy who was in a condition like Terri's.
Her husband would even let her parents be with her as she died. Sure there was music and flowers, etc., but his whole premise/argument in court was that she didn't know what was going on around her so why did he bother? I think she was aware and in pain. I think she was afraid of her husband and it was for a reason. I think he is a jerk and should be prosecuted for breaking the law: for abusing her and living with another woman while he was still married to Terri (both are illegal in Florida). I doubt justice will ever be served.
From all i've heard and read a great crime was committed here and it scares me that so few seem to care.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
life... such as it is ~ NSU post #27
I know i've been silent of late and it pains me. I have been so insanely busy with school, church, and family obligations that i feel overwhelmed. There is little time for me to get online and when i do i usually don't have time to write here (i need to be doing an assignment, etc.).
Life is still hard. I keep thinking that it's going to get better, and in some ways it has, but then it just gets bad again. In Sunday School my teacher has constantly been on my back. Ever since i moved back it's seemed like he was more intent on judging me than teaching me. I would come each week, expecting to be blessed, and come away disappointed. He was my S.S. teacher for a while in high school, i know that he's got the gift if he'll only use it, but for some reason the teacher that he was--the man who was so passionate about Jesus and so knowledgable about the Word (despite the short length of his walk with God) that it blew me away--is gone.
About a month ago we had a big argument in front of my sister and a guy who had been coming to the class less than a month. It turns out that he blames me for the fact that the class is small (i've been chasing everyone away apparently despite the fact that there has been about five people besides me in that class since i've moved back and they all had obvious reasons for not continuing to come), he's apparently been holding a grudge against me since high school (centered on the fact that i "can only feel God on the deck of a Star Wars ship"... a total twisting of my words), and he basically said in no uncertain terms that i'm not wanted in his class and what i'm doing to witness is not enough (my blogs are worthless... even though i don't think he's ever read a word of my writing).
I started going to my Mom's S.S. class. It's since tripled in size. My sis won't be going back to his class. The new guy kept coming for two weeks but i don't think he was there last week.
The thing that bothers me the most is that i've rooted for him in the past when others were attacking him. He's been doing little things that have bothered me ever since i've moved back and i've simply forgiven and forgotten (they all came rushing back over the next twenty-four hours). But he apparently thinks that because he's really into evangelism then i have to be, too. He expects me to use time i don't have, resources i've never heard of, and a gift that God didn't give me, to bring people to the Lord. I am not into handing out tracts; i have to take the time to build a relationship with people to witness to them one on one. Cramming God's Word down complete strangers' throats just doesn't work for me. Believe me, i'm up front about my faith, everyone knows i'm a Christian, that doesn't mean that i need to offend people by trying to force them to see things my way (Jesus is already offensive enough as it is).
Another thing that he's all over me about is cursing. See, i mistakenly admitted to him (on a week where i thought we were actually having a good dialogue and it was just the two of us) that i have been indecisive about what to think about swearing in the past. So now he assumes that i cuss all the time and is holding it over my head (he's also accusing me of "changing stories" in the middle of said class). The truth is that i learned how to curse from Christians, i don't approve of Christians cursing (or anyone for that matter), and i try not to do it myself but i'm only human and sometimes i just don't have any other words for how much my life stinks. I don't swear in public and i'm trying to stop entirely but yes, i curse from time to time in private. But what business is that of his? He is not an accountability partner; he's supposed to be teaching me what God's Word says, not judging me on whether or not i'm following the Bible to the letter.
If he wanted to confront me about something that i've done to offend him then he should have done it in private per Matthew 18:15-17. I wouldn't have minded if he wanted his wife to be there when it happened, but he shouldn't have attacked me in front of two other people and then totally ignored what they thought when i tried to ask them their opinion. He just totally changed the subject and charged ahead on whatever phantom sins that i have made.
He tried to quote a verse about hating "people" being as good as murder and when we looked it up it's about hating other Christians (1 John 4:20)! He's trying to show me the error of my ways or something and in the process totally takes a verse out of context. He then switches tactics and accuses me of loving Harry Potter more than the Bible when i mention how some Christians are judging Rowling because that's how i know that verse. But to say that i don't love my Bible is a false assumption. I'm an AWANA leader (and AWANA is all about memorizing verses) and the Bible is my sword: why would i not love and rely on the Bible? But i suppose that AWANA is just another ministry that doesn't count because he was upset about my explaining what AWANA stands for before a class started over six months ago (it comes from 2 Timothy 2:15).
The thing is, i've been all about 1 Timothy 4:12 and not letting anyone look down on / judge / lie about me for a long time. I've gotten attacked a lot over the past few years, so right now i'm overdefensive: it didn't help when he attacked me in front of a stranger and lied about me to my face then to the pastor the next day. In class i made a fool of myself because no matter what i said only made it worse. He didn't want to hear the truth. He could only see the lies.
I'm tired of fighting Christians about actions that i've taken that were in line with what Scripture teaches. I could fight from here to eternity because you know what? I was a goodie-two-shoes. No one could find dirt on me, i had all my bases covered, i was the "perfect" Christian. But do you know what i discovered? I wasn't being genuine. For the first time in my life i'm being real and letting myself be human and fallible and they start accusing me, the one with the spotless record.
I try so hard to serve God in every area of my life, with every breath, but i've also decided to stop relying on myself and trust God instead. So what happens when people start attacking me? I try to defend myself because i'm perfect, remember? Their accusations are baseless and lies. But i make a fool of myself when i stand up for myself. I get angry and tell the truth but i hurt people when i do it. I'm brutally honest because that's all i know how to be. The truth hurts and i know it.
But at the same time i'm trying to tell people that i'm innocent when i know i'm not... It's not that i'm guilty of what they're accusing me of, but i'm far from sinless. I listened to what other people told me to do for far too long and i'm still reaping the consequences. I still have no idea what God wants me to do with my life in the here and now: i'm stumbling in the dark, crying out to Him, and it's clear even in the dark that i'm far from perfect. I try to be like Him but i'm not. I know that i'm "better" than a lot of people but i also know that i'm nothing without Him. i know that the reason i'm not a junkie unwed mother or something worse is because God made sure that i knew Him from the beginning or my life. All that i am is who He made me. And i know i've let Him down so many times but every single day i get up and try to do whatever it is that He wants me to do whatever that is.
So i take offense when someone accuses me of not following God because that's all i'm about. Every day is a sacrifice of worship and love and blood and tears. He gave everything for me so i have to give Him everything back and i know it still won't be enough. "But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair" (Reliant K, Be My Escape).
One of the things my teacher was so upset about was that the week before he had said that Mormons own Coke and i said "no, Pepsi" and he says that we fought for over five minutes when in reality it was like half a minute. I don't know who owns Pepsi and i don't really care. I've believed since junior high that it was Pepsi and i love Coke but as he says "it doesn't matter" (which makes me wonder why he made such a big deal about it). It just got me thinking... If someone said that Jesus turned the water to beer (instead of wine) at that wedding would he say "it doesn't matter?" I'm a firm believer that Christians shouldn't be lying no matter how inconsequential they think the subject is. Now i know that my family is majorly overconcerned with being 100% right 100% of the time, and i admitted to that to him, and i am trying to not be that way, but if it is Pepsi and not Coke... Sure, it's not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but does that make it okay for him or me or anyone to lie about it?
I don't know which way it was but he lied about me to my face and insulted not only my sister but the newest member of the class. He didn't care about resolving the situation or discussing any problems that he had with me, he wanted to put me in my place as it were and it had to be his place. And i'm not into that. I believe what my Bible says and nothing else. I will do what God tells me to do and no one else.
I reached out to him months ago and he ignored me and now he spits in my face so i guess my question is what do i do? I really want to know. I tried to write a letter but i couldn't send it because it was too ugly. He was so wrong in what he did that i can't write a letter in love without it being just as awful as what he did to me. I don't want to face him ever again because he hurt me. I had to sing in the service that Sunday and when i got up to leave he accused me of running away when i had just spent half an hour trying to reason with him. He didn't want to hear the truth. My life doesn't revolve around him.
It was hard for me to focus on God for a couple of days after this happened, all i could see was the dark. I performed beautifully i've been told, but all i could think of was all the ugly things he said and i replied with in like. My life is still a struggle each day. I need a job but can't find one. I am overwhelmed with schoolwork and church and the myriad of obstacles that i have to face each day. Despite it all i know that i still believe God. It was amazing when i was recently updated my How to become a Christian page how much i still know that every word that i wrote on that page is absolutely true. After all i've been through i'm still enough of a fool to have faith in everything God's told me.
About the "Star Wars deck" comment... I trusted this teacher completely. In H.S. i confessed to him that i believe that God has promised me that i'll be on Star Trek someday and at the time i wondered if i wouldn't be able to feel the Holy Spirit again until that promise has been fulfilled. It astounds me how much he took that simple statement of faith out of context. He heard "I'll never feel him unless he does things my way;" i said "i still believe that God will keep His promise and someday soon i'll be able to feel/hear Him again." Even in my darkest years (yes, it's been six years now) and when i am doubting Him i cannot help but have faith in the deepest part of me. Sometimes i hate it, but it's still true.
All i was is His, all i am is His, all i ever will be is His, no matter where He takes me. I'm tired of repeating myself but i can't shut up about it: i can't.
Life is still hard. I keep thinking that it's going to get better, and in some ways it has, but then it just gets bad again. In Sunday School my teacher has constantly been on my back. Ever since i moved back it's seemed like he was more intent on judging me than teaching me. I would come each week, expecting to be blessed, and come away disappointed. He was my S.S. teacher for a while in high school, i know that he's got the gift if he'll only use it, but for some reason the teacher that he was--the man who was so passionate about Jesus and so knowledgable about the Word (despite the short length of his walk with God) that it blew me away--is gone.
About a month ago we had a big argument in front of my sister and a guy who had been coming to the class less than a month. It turns out that he blames me for the fact that the class is small (i've been chasing everyone away apparently despite the fact that there has been about five people besides me in that class since i've moved back and they all had obvious reasons for not continuing to come), he's apparently been holding a grudge against me since high school (centered on the fact that i "can only feel God on the deck of a Star Wars ship"... a total twisting of my words), and he basically said in no uncertain terms that i'm not wanted in his class and what i'm doing to witness is not enough (my blogs are worthless... even though i don't think he's ever read a word of my writing).
I started going to my Mom's S.S. class. It's since tripled in size. My sis won't be going back to his class. The new guy kept coming for two weeks but i don't think he was there last week.
The thing that bothers me the most is that i've rooted for him in the past when others were attacking him. He's been doing little things that have bothered me ever since i've moved back and i've simply forgiven and forgotten (they all came rushing back over the next twenty-four hours). But he apparently thinks that because he's really into evangelism then i have to be, too. He expects me to use time i don't have, resources i've never heard of, and a gift that God didn't give me, to bring people to the Lord. I am not into handing out tracts; i have to take the time to build a relationship with people to witness to them one on one. Cramming God's Word down complete strangers' throats just doesn't work for me. Believe me, i'm up front about my faith, everyone knows i'm a Christian, that doesn't mean that i need to offend people by trying to force them to see things my way (Jesus is already offensive enough as it is).
Another thing that he's all over me about is cursing. See, i mistakenly admitted to him (on a week where i thought we were actually having a good dialogue and it was just the two of us) that i have been indecisive about what to think about swearing in the past. So now he assumes that i cuss all the time and is holding it over my head (he's also accusing me of "changing stories" in the middle of said class). The truth is that i learned how to curse from Christians, i don't approve of Christians cursing (or anyone for that matter), and i try not to do it myself but i'm only human and sometimes i just don't have any other words for how much my life stinks. I don't swear in public and i'm trying to stop entirely but yes, i curse from time to time in private. But what business is that of his? He is not an accountability partner; he's supposed to be teaching me what God's Word says, not judging me on whether or not i'm following the Bible to the letter.
If he wanted to confront me about something that i've done to offend him then he should have done it in private per Matthew 18:15-17. I wouldn't have minded if he wanted his wife to be there when it happened, but he shouldn't have attacked me in front of two other people and then totally ignored what they thought when i tried to ask them their opinion. He just totally changed the subject and charged ahead on whatever phantom sins that i have made.
He tried to quote a verse about hating "people" being as good as murder and when we looked it up it's about hating other Christians (1 John 4:20)! He's trying to show me the error of my ways or something and in the process totally takes a verse out of context. He then switches tactics and accuses me of loving Harry Potter more than the Bible when i mention how some Christians are judging Rowling because that's how i know that verse. But to say that i don't love my Bible is a false assumption. I'm an AWANA leader (and AWANA is all about memorizing verses) and the Bible is my sword: why would i not love and rely on the Bible? But i suppose that AWANA is just another ministry that doesn't count because he was upset about my explaining what AWANA stands for before a class started over six months ago (it comes from 2 Timothy 2:15).
The thing is, i've been all about 1 Timothy 4:12 and not letting anyone look down on / judge / lie about me for a long time. I've gotten attacked a lot over the past few years, so right now i'm overdefensive: it didn't help when he attacked me in front of a stranger and lied about me to my face then to the pastor the next day. In class i made a fool of myself because no matter what i said only made it worse. He didn't want to hear the truth. He could only see the lies.
I'm tired of fighting Christians about actions that i've taken that were in line with what Scripture teaches. I could fight from here to eternity because you know what? I was a goodie-two-shoes. No one could find dirt on me, i had all my bases covered, i was the "perfect" Christian. But do you know what i discovered? I wasn't being genuine. For the first time in my life i'm being real and letting myself be human and fallible and they start accusing me, the one with the spotless record.
I try so hard to serve God in every area of my life, with every breath, but i've also decided to stop relying on myself and trust God instead. So what happens when people start attacking me? I try to defend myself because i'm perfect, remember? Their accusations are baseless and lies. But i make a fool of myself when i stand up for myself. I get angry and tell the truth but i hurt people when i do it. I'm brutally honest because that's all i know how to be. The truth hurts and i know it.
But at the same time i'm trying to tell people that i'm innocent when i know i'm not... It's not that i'm guilty of what they're accusing me of, but i'm far from sinless. I listened to what other people told me to do for far too long and i'm still reaping the consequences. I still have no idea what God wants me to do with my life in the here and now: i'm stumbling in the dark, crying out to Him, and it's clear even in the dark that i'm far from perfect. I try to be like Him but i'm not. I know that i'm "better" than a lot of people but i also know that i'm nothing without Him. i know that the reason i'm not a junkie unwed mother or something worse is because God made sure that i knew Him from the beginning or my life. All that i am is who He made me. And i know i've let Him down so many times but every single day i get up and try to do whatever it is that He wants me to do whatever that is.
So i take offense when someone accuses me of not following God because that's all i'm about. Every day is a sacrifice of worship and love and blood and tears. He gave everything for me so i have to give Him everything back and i know it still won't be enough. "But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair" (Reliant K, Be My Escape).
One of the things my teacher was so upset about was that the week before he had said that Mormons own Coke and i said "no, Pepsi" and he says that we fought for over five minutes when in reality it was like half a minute. I don't know who owns Pepsi and i don't really care. I've believed since junior high that it was Pepsi and i love Coke but as he says "it doesn't matter" (which makes me wonder why he made such a big deal about it). It just got me thinking... If someone said that Jesus turned the water to beer (instead of wine) at that wedding would he say "it doesn't matter?" I'm a firm believer that Christians shouldn't be lying no matter how inconsequential they think the subject is. Now i know that my family is majorly overconcerned with being 100% right 100% of the time, and i admitted to that to him, and i am trying to not be that way, but if it is Pepsi and not Coke... Sure, it's not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but does that make it okay for him or me or anyone to lie about it?
I don't know which way it was but he lied about me to my face and insulted not only my sister but the newest member of the class. He didn't care about resolving the situation or discussing any problems that he had with me, he wanted to put me in my place as it were and it had to be his place. And i'm not into that. I believe what my Bible says and nothing else. I will do what God tells me to do and no one else.
I reached out to him months ago and he ignored me and now he spits in my face so i guess my question is what do i do? I really want to know. I tried to write a letter but i couldn't send it because it was too ugly. He was so wrong in what he did that i can't write a letter in love without it being just as awful as what he did to me. I don't want to face him ever again because he hurt me. I had to sing in the service that Sunday and when i got up to leave he accused me of running away when i had just spent half an hour trying to reason with him. He didn't want to hear the truth. My life doesn't revolve around him.
It was hard for me to focus on God for a couple of days after this happened, all i could see was the dark. I performed beautifully i've been told, but all i could think of was all the ugly things he said and i replied with in like. My life is still a struggle each day. I need a job but can't find one. I am overwhelmed with schoolwork and church and the myriad of obstacles that i have to face each day. Despite it all i know that i still believe God. It was amazing when i was recently updated my How to become a Christian page how much i still know that every word that i wrote on that page is absolutely true. After all i've been through i'm still enough of a fool to have faith in everything God's told me.
About the "Star Wars deck" comment... I trusted this teacher completely. In H.S. i confessed to him that i believe that God has promised me that i'll be on Star Trek someday and at the time i wondered if i wouldn't be able to feel the Holy Spirit again until that promise has been fulfilled. It astounds me how much he took that simple statement of faith out of context. He heard "I'll never feel him unless he does things my way;" i said "i still believe that God will keep His promise and someday soon i'll be able to feel/hear Him again." Even in my darkest years (yes, it's been six years now) and when i am doubting Him i cannot help but have faith in the deepest part of me. Sometimes i hate it, but it's still true.
All i was is His, all i am is His, all i ever will be is His, no matter where He takes me. I'm tired of repeating myself but i can't shut up about it: i can't.
Saturday, January 08, 2005
'Dark have been my dreams of late...'
i feel empty
a void
dead
and i don't know what to do
i believe that i have been called in Jesus' name
i don't really know how to be humble but i have tried and prayed for help, for the power to be so
i have prayed and sought and alas i have not found
i do not know what ways i have that are wicked because God has not shown them to me (though i have asked Him to)
i know that He can hear me but still i find myself doubting
i know he can heal me and this land but i have lost faith and repeatedly ask myself... will He?
I wish i was more like Klaus than Violet (in the movie version of a Series of Unfortunate Events). I know that nothing happens by chance, that there's always a reason, but i've lost faith in the "there's always a way" part. I wish that i had the strength to keep fighting instead of giving into the dark. I don't know how to fight anymore, i don't know how to seek. I cling to verses like II Chronicles 7:14, Proverbs 3:5-6, Isaiah 40:31, Jeremiah 29:11-14, Luke 11:10, but they don't come true. Satan is telling me lies, i know he is, but unfortunately i'm starting to believe him because his voice is louder than God's.
I don't want to be like this. I want to be free. I want to be happy, and whole, and full of hope and joy. But i don't know how to lie to myself like that: i'm not happy or whole and i don't have hope or joy. I am already living a lie, hiding the truth from the world around me, and 'day by day i suffer.' There is no 'strength left in the world of men' and i have given up looking for it in God because He does not answer.
I feel so ashamed that i have given up. I don't know how to pray anymore, i don't know what to say. I feel as if i have said it all before, as if i have prayed it a million times or more to no avail. I know He hears me, why doesn't He answer? I know He's here with me, why doesn't He touch me, comfort me, speak with me? I would love to hear even chastisement from Him.
And i know i'm whining, i know i'm being weak and selfish, and i know that it sounds like i'm wallowing in grief and acting like a baby but it's not true. I ignore Him and i ignore the dark. I ignore the pain and i act like everything is fine and i feel dead inside. I feel as if i am slowly dying more and more day by day.
In less than two weeks i will finally begin acting again and it doesn't matter at all. Acting will not stop the pain or make my life better again. All i need is Him; without Him i have no hope. What good are dreams if He will not provide a way for them to come true? What good is testing if He does not provide the strength or way to bear it? I am not strong enough on my own; i need Him more than words can express.
My sister and i watched Twelve Monkeys tonight which is probably why this is all finally coming out again. Cole (Bruce Willis) goes back in time against his will to try to change things that he knows can't be changed and he's right in the end. The horror of that is so evident and tangible. Despite his best efforts nothing is changed: he sees himself die and you know that for that cute little boy it is only going to happen again some unknown number of years down the road.
I don't know what to do to escape my own reality that feels like insanity. I'm a fool in the eyes of the world if i trust God and i'm a fool in the eyes of God if i don't. I just end up feeling foolish either way. I'm frozen, afraid, clueless, and hitting myself for being a fool and not trusting God while simultaneously feeling like i should be cussing Him out for what He's put me through. I feel like i can't change anything. God knows i've prayed and to me it seems there have simply been no results.
So what do i do? I've given up, i don't know what else to do. I've left it in God's hands, but not really because i trust Him anymore but because there's nothing else i can do. The truth is that i'm just as terrified of Him now as i ever was of any demons that might visit me in the dark. And i still feel stupid because i feel like i should be doing something more than just sitting/lying/huddling here, in this dark cold cage, waitinng for something to happen. I hate waiting, but i've gotten even more tired of desperately trying yet having no results to show for it. Even if i do try to do something it's hopeless: i am nothing without Him, i am incapable without Him, i am lost without Him.
So i wait (what else can i do?) and i wish i could still weep and pray and i see people all around me who have hope or not a care in the world and feel so angry at them. How can they be so lucky? How can they be so fake? The world isn't really like that, it's dark and empty and hopeless. There is no hope without Him. So i struggle to hide the ugliness that is me yet fight to display the reality of me that is truly but a lie yet the only truth i know.
I don't like to sleep because i am afraid of the dark, of what my dreams might hold, and because my days are always empty before and after sleep comes. I am wasting away before my very eyes and losing the fight. I wish the Sun would come out.
a void
dead
and i don't know what to do
i believe that i have been called in Jesus' name
i don't really know how to be humble but i have tried and prayed for help, for the power to be so
i have prayed and sought and alas i have not found
i do not know what ways i have that are wicked because God has not shown them to me (though i have asked Him to)
i know that He can hear me but still i find myself doubting
i know he can heal me and this land but i have lost faith and repeatedly ask myself... will He?
I wish i was more like Klaus than Violet (in the movie version of a Series of Unfortunate Events). I know that nothing happens by chance, that there's always a reason, but i've lost faith in the "there's always a way" part. I wish that i had the strength to keep fighting instead of giving into the dark. I don't know how to fight anymore, i don't know how to seek. I cling to verses like II Chronicles 7:14, Proverbs 3:5-6, Isaiah 40:31, Jeremiah 29:11-14, Luke 11:10, but they don't come true. Satan is telling me lies, i know he is, but unfortunately i'm starting to believe him because his voice is louder than God's.
I don't want to be like this. I want to be free. I want to be happy, and whole, and full of hope and joy. But i don't know how to lie to myself like that: i'm not happy or whole and i don't have hope or joy. I am already living a lie, hiding the truth from the world around me, and 'day by day i suffer.' There is no 'strength left in the world of men' and i have given up looking for it in God because He does not answer.
I feel so ashamed that i have given up. I don't know how to pray anymore, i don't know what to say. I feel as if i have said it all before, as if i have prayed it a million times or more to no avail. I know He hears me, why doesn't He answer? I know He's here with me, why doesn't He touch me, comfort me, speak with me? I would love to hear even chastisement from Him.
And i know i'm whining, i know i'm being weak and selfish, and i know that it sounds like i'm wallowing in grief and acting like a baby but it's not true. I ignore Him and i ignore the dark. I ignore the pain and i act like everything is fine and i feel dead inside. I feel as if i am slowly dying more and more day by day.
In less than two weeks i will finally begin acting again and it doesn't matter at all. Acting will not stop the pain or make my life better again. All i need is Him; without Him i have no hope. What good are dreams if He will not provide a way for them to come true? What good is testing if He does not provide the strength or way to bear it? I am not strong enough on my own; i need Him more than words can express.
My sister and i watched Twelve Monkeys tonight which is probably why this is all finally coming out again. Cole (Bruce Willis) goes back in time against his will to try to change things that he knows can't be changed and he's right in the end. The horror of that is so evident and tangible. Despite his best efforts nothing is changed: he sees himself die and you know that for that cute little boy it is only going to happen again some unknown number of years down the road.
I don't know what to do to escape my own reality that feels like insanity. I'm a fool in the eyes of the world if i trust God and i'm a fool in the eyes of God if i don't. I just end up feeling foolish either way. I'm frozen, afraid, clueless, and hitting myself for being a fool and not trusting God while simultaneously feeling like i should be cussing Him out for what He's put me through. I feel like i can't change anything. God knows i've prayed and to me it seems there have simply been no results.
So what do i do? I've given up, i don't know what else to do. I've left it in God's hands, but not really because i trust Him anymore but because there's nothing else i can do. The truth is that i'm just as terrified of Him now as i ever was of any demons that might visit me in the dark. And i still feel stupid because i feel like i should be doing something more than just sitting/lying/huddling here, in this dark cold cage, waitinng for something to happen. I hate waiting, but i've gotten even more tired of desperately trying yet having no results to show for it. Even if i do try to do something it's hopeless: i am nothing without Him, i am incapable without Him, i am lost without Him.
So i wait (what else can i do?) and i wish i could still weep and pray and i see people all around me who have hope or not a care in the world and feel so angry at them. How can they be so lucky? How can they be so fake? The world isn't really like that, it's dark and empty and hopeless. There is no hope without Him. So i struggle to hide the ugliness that is me yet fight to display the reality of me that is truly but a lie yet the only truth i know.
I don't like to sleep because i am afraid of the dark, of what my dreams might hold, and because my days are always empty before and after sleep comes. I am wasting away before my very eyes and losing the fight. I wish the Sun would come out.
ChiMas Hols (a.k.a. Christmas Holiday) ~ NSU post #26
Here i am in rainy Monterey, CA, vegging out and helping my sister prepare for her move to CO. Who am i kidding? I'm mostly just vegging out. But she will be moving next week and will be staying with me for several months in my tiny trailer. We haven't done anything like this in several years; fortunately we're getting on pretty well (at least it seems that way to me). (:
No, i must admit that i haven't gotten much done over the holidays. They were very hectic over Christmas with all the relatives etc. and i just feel the need to recharge and do nothing after the strain and stress of finals. Hopefully i'll still have time to write for fun next semester.
No, i must admit that i haven't gotten much done over the holidays. They were very hectic over Christmas with all the relatives etc. and i just feel the need to recharge and do nothing after the strain and stress of finals. Hopefully i'll still have time to write for fun next semester.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
campaign #1 - Lumos Nox ~ NSU post #25
I feel very passionately about Harry Potter. The way the series and its author has been slandered by Christians seems to me a travesty and i've gotten tired of biting my tongue about it. So i've slowly began expanding Lumos Nox, my Harry Potter fansite. I was on a role for a while: i was even writing some fanfic again (okay, it was only a little, but it is progress). But the passion that was in me for a little while is starting to drain out again. Still, i will persevere; my work on Christian HP commentary/apologia is just beginning.
Today i'm finally posting my newest article the Onion Layer by Layer. I totally forgot that i had written it because i put off posting it: i thought it might be a little too harsh. After watching last night's Wife Swap i think that this article is entirely called for, even sedate. I hope you all enjoy reading it.
Today i'm finally posting my newest article the Onion Layer by Layer. I totally forgot that i had written it because i put off posting it: i thought it might be a little too harsh. After watching last night's Wife Swap i think that this article is entirely called for, even sedate. I hope you all enjoy reading it.
Yeah, i know i haven't been writing much again. I just get tired of having nothing to write about but complaints. I feel like such a whiner sometimes: i've said/written/prayed it all a million times (i'm aware of my hyperbole but it really feels that way). I don't think that there's anything wrong with feeling what i feel but i really need to stop being negative and start having hope again. The trouble is i don't know how to. So i stumble through prayers and remain silent here.
Am i really on fire anymore or even an ember? I just don't know. I've tried really hard, but even my sparks haven't caught on and so i'm just spent. I don't know what else to do. I've given up. I can't feel anymore, and that's really scary to me. I'm not even in the holiday spirit yet really and that's just unheard of for me because i love Christmas... It's my favorite holiday. I'm always begging for Christmas music way before Thanksgiving.
I was working really hard on Lumos Nox for a while, actually getting somewhere, and then i suddenly stopped and i don't really know why.
So often it feels as if the entire universe is against me. I don't like feeling this way. I don't like being a pessimist. I don't like being so busy and so emptied that i have no art left in me to give. Inspiration and idea smolders for lack of expression. My one solace has been a knitting project (someone's Christmas present): i've been trying to find a Harry Potter fanfic (one of the first i ever read) but despite my best efforts all i've found is junk. Christmas vacation and my six year anniversary looms before me but will i actually get anything done? I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to smolder. I want to be a dark fire. I don't know what to do.
Am i really on fire anymore or even an ember? I just don't know. I've tried really hard, but even my sparks haven't caught on and so i'm just spent. I don't know what else to do. I've given up. I can't feel anymore, and that's really scary to me. I'm not even in the holiday spirit yet really and that's just unheard of for me because i love Christmas... It's my favorite holiday. I'm always begging for Christmas music way before Thanksgiving.
I was working really hard on Lumos Nox for a while, actually getting somewhere, and then i suddenly stopped and i don't really know why.
So often it feels as if the entire universe is against me. I don't like feeling this way. I don't like being a pessimist. I don't like being so busy and so emptied that i have no art left in me to give. Inspiration and idea smolders for lack of expression. My one solace has been a knitting project (someone's Christmas present): i've been trying to find a Harry Potter fanfic (one of the first i ever read) but despite my best efforts all i've found is junk. Christmas vacation and my six year anniversary looms before me but will i actually get anything done? I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to smolder. I want to be a dark fire. I don't know what to do.
my absence ~ NSU post #24
I didn't mean to take a break from blogging but i guess i ended up doing so. I've been really busy getting ready for finals. I guess i felt that the free time i had should be spent doing something besides ranting. (; Maybe during the Christmas break i'll have time to write more.
It is such a relief to me that Kerry didn't get elected as President of the United States of America. I think that the biggest reason i haven't mentioned the election results is because i got so burnt out on the political stuff. I got tired of the mud slinging and lies and really don't want to bequeath Kerry with much attention now that he lost. I'm recharging for my next campaign on this blog, too.
Below is one of the papers i wrote for my Mass Media class. We had to write a movie critique over Thanksgiving break. It was the first movie i had been to (in the theater) since the Village and Bourne Supremacy and i think it's about time for another review so "there you go" (to quote a spelling guru who was in a computer game my sis and i used to play). I have meant to review more films but as i said, i always feel pressed for time and as such forget it for more "important" things (that are very pressing in RL). Hopefully i'll do better next year.
Btw, Alias is returning with a two-hour event in January but will now be on Wednesdays. I am so relieved that Charlie (Dominic Monaghan) didn't die last night on Lost. I'm looking forward to the repeat of the pilot next Wednesday as i didn't see it due to VCR misprogramming (it was brand new and i hadn't read the manual! How was i to know that i had to push the T-Set button?).
Guess that's about it for now. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year (just in case i don't have a chance to say it later)!
It is such a relief to me that Kerry didn't get elected as President of the United States of America. I think that the biggest reason i haven't mentioned the election results is because i got so burnt out on the political stuff. I got tired of the mud slinging and lies and really don't want to bequeath Kerry with much attention now that he lost. I'm recharging for my next campaign on this blog, too.
Below is one of the papers i wrote for my Mass Media class. We had to write a movie critique over Thanksgiving break. It was the first movie i had been to (in the theater) since the Village and Bourne Supremacy and i think it's about time for another review so "there you go" (to quote a spelling guru who was in a computer game my sis and i used to play). I have meant to review more films but as i said, i always feel pressed for time and as such forget it for more "important" things (that are very pressing in RL). Hopefully i'll do better next year.
Btw, Alias is returning with a two-hour event in January but will now be on Wednesdays. I am so relieved that Charlie (Dominic Monaghan) didn't die last night on Lost. I'm looking forward to the repeat of the pilot next Wednesday as i didn't see it due to VCR misprogramming (it was brand new and i hadn't read the manual! How was i to know that i had to push the T-Set button?).
Guess that's about it for now. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year (just in case i don't have a chance to say it later)!
Something i am happy about is my sister's pregnancy... I expected to be envious or sad but i'm not very (though i won't lie and say not at all). But i am happy for her. To read more about her and baby click here.
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
National Treasure * * * * ~ NSU post #23
Benjamin Gates (Nicholas Cage) is the youngest in a long line that have been searching for a treasure hidden by America’s founding fathers. Gates has finally found someone who not only believes in his quest but will financially back him, but the nefarious villain Ian Howe (Sean Bean) ultimately betrays him because he wants the treasure for himself. Gates races through Washington DC, Philadelphia, and New York City to protect the Declaration of Independence and the treasure before Howe steals it all for himself. Along the way Gates is helped by his geeky sidekick (Justin Bartha), reclaims his father’s respect (Jon Voigt), and gets the girl (Diane Kruger).
The film starts out with Gates grandad (Christopher Plummer) eagerly sharing the story of how the treasure was hidden. When Ben’s father (Voigt) finds out that his son has been told about “the family curse” he isn’t too pleased. In the present day Gates and company trek across a snowy landscape and find the Charlotte, the ship that was the subject of the first clue about the whereabouts of the treasure. Howe hasn’t shown his true colors yet, but one can easily discern that he has ulterior motives. Gates finds that a map is on the back of the Declaration; Howe suggests that they steal the document. When Gates refuses he locks Gates and his sidekick Poole (Bartha) inside and sets fire to the ship.
Gates finds another route out before the ship explodes. He and Poole travel to DC and try to warn the FBI, NSA, and National Archives that the Declaration is about to be stolen. No one believes them, though Gates does get along well with Dr. Abigail Chase (Kruger) who’s in charge of keeping the Declaration safe. Gates decides to steal the Declaration before Howe can at a Benefit Banquet.
The robbery is pretty typical of an action movie: Gates steals Chase’s fingerprints, she catches on that he’s not supposed to be there, Gates barely beats Howe’s team to the document. Gates ducks into the gift shop so Chase won’t see him and buys a poster of the Declaration. He almost escapes by giving Chase the poster (she thinks it’s the real thing) when Howe kidnaps her. Gates is noble enough to go after Chase but can’t let her go afterwards. He shows her that he has the real Declaration and Howe has a fake.
Gates goes to see his Dad for the next clue. Dad isn’t too thrilled to see Gates at his door: he’s convinced that the treasure isn’t real. He’s also given away the letters that Gates needs. They go to Philadelphia for the letters. Shortly later the FBI questions Gates’ father and discovers that they had been there.
In Philadelphia Poole finds the clue. Gates goes to Independence Hall and finds what they need to see the map: a pair of special spectacles designed by Benjamin Franklin. But the FBI has caught up with them: they arrest Gates with the glasses. Chase and Poole have the map and call Howe for help. Howe calls Gates and demands that the FBI give him up with the glasses or he won’t give the Declaration back. They travel to NYC where Howe helps Gates escape from custody.
Chase was confident that Howe would release Gates if they let him look at the map. Unfortunately Howe is a step ahead of them: he’s kidnapped Gates’ father. Under duress Gates finds a passageway to a chamber but it’s a dead end. His father tells Howe that a lantern there is a clue that the treasure is actually hidden in Boston. Howe abandons them and takes the only route out. Our heroes quickly find the treasure and another escape route. They make a deal with the FBI agent (Harvey Keitel) who’s intent on recovering the Declaration and Howe is caught in Boston.
Overall I was impressed with this film. It was predictably corny (it is a Bruckheimer) and refreshingly clean with a rating of PG. The special effects and stunts were good (no noticeably bad CGI) and the plot never dragged. I didn’t feel that the ending quite did an actor of Bean’s talent justice, but everything was suitably wrapped up in the end. I have already recommended the movie to other people.
The film starts out with Gates grandad (Christopher Plummer) eagerly sharing the story of how the treasure was hidden. When Ben’s father (Voigt) finds out that his son has been told about “the family curse” he isn’t too pleased. In the present day Gates and company trek across a snowy landscape and find the Charlotte, the ship that was the subject of the first clue about the whereabouts of the treasure. Howe hasn’t shown his true colors yet, but one can easily discern that he has ulterior motives. Gates finds that a map is on the back of the Declaration; Howe suggests that they steal the document. When Gates refuses he locks Gates and his sidekick Poole (Bartha) inside and sets fire to the ship.
Gates finds another route out before the ship explodes. He and Poole travel to DC and try to warn the FBI, NSA, and National Archives that the Declaration is about to be stolen. No one believes them, though Gates does get along well with Dr. Abigail Chase (Kruger) who’s in charge of keeping the Declaration safe. Gates decides to steal the Declaration before Howe can at a Benefit Banquet.
The robbery is pretty typical of an action movie: Gates steals Chase’s fingerprints, she catches on that he’s not supposed to be there, Gates barely beats Howe’s team to the document. Gates ducks into the gift shop so Chase won’t see him and buys a poster of the Declaration. He almost escapes by giving Chase the poster (she thinks it’s the real thing) when Howe kidnaps her. Gates is noble enough to go after Chase but can’t let her go afterwards. He shows her that he has the real Declaration and Howe has a fake.
Gates goes to see his Dad for the next clue. Dad isn’t too thrilled to see Gates at his door: he’s convinced that the treasure isn’t real. He’s also given away the letters that Gates needs. They go to Philadelphia for the letters. Shortly later the FBI questions Gates’ father and discovers that they had been there.
In Philadelphia Poole finds the clue. Gates goes to Independence Hall and finds what they need to see the map: a pair of special spectacles designed by Benjamin Franklin. But the FBI has caught up with them: they arrest Gates with the glasses. Chase and Poole have the map and call Howe for help. Howe calls Gates and demands that the FBI give him up with the glasses or he won’t give the Declaration back. They travel to NYC where Howe helps Gates escape from custody.
Chase was confident that Howe would release Gates if they let him look at the map. Unfortunately Howe is a step ahead of them: he’s kidnapped Gates’ father. Under duress Gates finds a passageway to a chamber but it’s a dead end. His father tells Howe that a lantern there is a clue that the treasure is actually hidden in Boston. Howe abandons them and takes the only route out. Our heroes quickly find the treasure and another escape route. They make a deal with the FBI agent (Harvey Keitel) who’s intent on recovering the Declaration and Howe is caught in Boston.
Overall I was impressed with this film. It was predictably corny (it is a Bruckheimer) and refreshingly clean with a rating of PG. The special effects and stunts were good (no noticeably bad CGI) and the plot never dragged. I didn’t feel that the ending quite did an actor of Bean’s talent justice, but everything was suitably wrapped up in the end. I have already recommended the movie to other people.
Thursday, November 04, 2004
essay 2 is finally up ~ NSU post #22
This essay was more difficult for me to write. I was trying to talk about Nature as a place of belonging and the few places i feel like i belong: my grandparents' home near Yuma was one and the desert is another in a way. I don't really like the way this essay came out.
I have yet to hear what grade i got on my fourth essay. As i got A's on my first three i'd be very surprised not to get an A for the essay and the class. Still, i may have irritated my teacher even more.
The class seems so far away now. I've recently been deciding what to take next semester. I plan to take the next English class and am having trouble deciding which teacher to take it from: the one that was recommended to me is going to want me to read lots of Hemmingway which i'm not sure i'd enjoy. It's also an extra book. I'm sure i'll figure it out soon but i still won't be able to register until December 11th.
After that i need to start thinking about applying for other colleges. Do i still want to go to Biola? It's a bit overwhelming as i still haven't found a job. I'm not sure what i want to do anymore. Lately all i've wanted to do is write and i haven't had the time.
I have yet to hear what grade i got on my fourth essay. As i got A's on my first three i'd be very surprised not to get an A for the essay and the class. Still, i may have irritated my teacher even more.
The class seems so far away now. I've recently been deciding what to take next semester. I plan to take the next English class and am having trouble deciding which teacher to take it from: the one that was recommended to me is going to want me to read lots of Hemmingway which i'm not sure i'd enjoy. It's also an extra book. I'm sure i'll figure it out soon but i still won't be able to register until December 11th.
After that i need to start thinking about applying for other colleges. Do i still want to go to Biola? It's a bit overwhelming as i still haven't found a job. I'm not sure what i want to do anymore. Lately all i've wanted to do is write and i haven't had the time.
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