back again

what i'm knitting ~ 1st sleeve of Alice's sweater
what i'm reading ~ Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin (chapter forty-eight? forty-nine?)

So i'm back from another campout. We stayed at Warner Lake in Utah and visited Arches. I had been thinking how pale i was considering i had gotten sunburned two weekends in a row... well, it's now three in a row. I'm a bit sore and stiff from hiking on a primitive trail around Windows (i think that's the right name).

Something about the hike was really annoying: there were signs all over the place stating "stop, this is not a trail." They were a big eyesore and sure didn't develop naturally. There was a pamphlet that you get when you come in that says you can't bring any pets to Arches because they might pee and destroy the arches that have been developing for billions of years. My Mom pointed out how illogical this is. I, of course, totally agree with her. Pee is natural: if it destroys a rock there's something wrong with the rock beforehand. To me a sign telling me to stay on the trail is more offensive and destructive that allowing a few people out of a thousand to stray from the path. If it's survived wind and rain and flooding it will survive a few tourists. Plants grow back, and humans are the only living things to create trails (we saw lots of deer, cows, and horses during the course of this trip).

On another note, there were lots of things i wanted to write when i got back, but at present i am too tired to remember most of them. One thing i remember is someone mentioning how small children always want to turn the page of the book before you're done reading that page to them. I've always been irritated by that. You're supposed to read the whole story or you'll miss something important and/or interesting. I'm ashamed to say that i've been in a hurry to turn the pages in my own life. I want to grow out of that.

creative update

what i'm crocheting ~ Punk Crochet Wrist Warmers

Yes, crocheting! I'm not a very good crocheter, but i'm attempting this project in hope of finally tackling the monster and taking it down for good. I'm actually not doing that badly (a lot better than usual, at least). The pattern is actually pretty good, though i do have trouble keeping the pattern straight (first pattern=what i'm following, the directions; second pattern=pattern stitch). You have no idea how many times i've ripped it out to where the pattern begins and started again. Next up for crocheting? Possibly a tankini. It depends on whether or not i can get the yarn for cheap enough.

life verse

I no longer count on my own goodness or my ability to obey God's law, but I trust Christ to save me.
~ Philippians 3:9 (NLT)

life verse

Let me hear of your unfailing love to me in the morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I have come to you in prayer.
~ Psalm 143:8 (NLT)

Lost Pilot and season finale

Unfortunately, due to human error, we didn't get to see Lost's season finale (the truth is that the VCR was set for the right time but the wrong channel). It repeated during the campout, so Megan saw it because she stayed home, but she didn't record it. But what she did see is interesting. The Pilot is on right now (as i type) and i just realized that when we hear "the Monster" for the first time... it sounds an awful lot like a machine. And when i mentioned that Megan said that made sense: the closed captioning during the finale said "gears clicking" and that there were chains involved. It just seems really weird but it kind of makes sense. The thing is, is it cloaked or what? Seems pretty strange and inexplicable. Of course, that's what Abrams has been going for...

clothes

what i'm sewing ~ charcoal grey tunic with lace-up sleeves

Yes, i am actually doing some sewing today. I'm really dreaming about sewing the jacket/cloak that Harry wears in Goblet of Fire for the second task and poster. I'll post some photos later. Right now i'm working on something different though. Hopefully i'll be posting pics of it soon, too.

I've been browsing the Hot Topic website the past couple of days and adding to my wishlist. There is an awesome pair of pants that i tried on last time i was at the mall that cost $42. The funny thing is, i've realized that for some styles it would be cheaper to go buy something similar at a Military Surplus and modify it myself to look cool. So now i'm looking at military surplus websites, too. Fun, huh?

Soul Surfer

I used to be an optimist. I don't feel like i've really been one now for a couple of years. I bring this up because one of the books i read on the campout was Bethany Hamilton's Soul Surfer. I remember hearing about her arm getting bit off the summer of the shark attacks. Later i heard she was a Christian. I suggested Mom buy her book for Katie as a Christmas present. And now i've finally read it.

I really enjoyed reading this book. I've dreamt of going to Hawaii and learning how to surf for longer than i can remember. And it was cool to read about a young Christian who's passionately on fire for God despite difficult circumstances that are in her life. She thinks that it's important to remain upbeat and optimistic no matter what life throws you. And i feel guilty because i whine so much and focus on the waves instead of Jesus.

I know that i have few physical impediments to overcome, but i know that God gave me this test because it would be the hard one. If he would have given me cancer i don't think i would have minded half so much. The real test for me is waiting. I don't want to wait. I want to be in the arena, the ring, the battle, right now! And to me it's as if God is saying "No, not yet, wait," and that's the last thing i want to do. It's not logical to me.

It's a constant tug of war for me. With one eye i have given everything to God and am fully trusting Him; with the other i am looking around me, terrified, because i am totally out of control. Overall i'm pretty blind. I can see that God's working around me, i just can't feel Him, and progress seems excruciatingly slow to me. So one part of me thinks "finally, some progress!" while the other whines "what's taking so long?!?" My family thinks that i'm "spinning wheels" and going nowhere. It seems that no one understands just what it is that i'm going through... It's like i'm begging God "Here am i, send me!" and He keeps saying "no" so i am bereft. I have no delusions of gradeur, i want to do whatever God wants me to do, i just don't understand why He would promise me something and then close all the doors... unless He's testing me.

But i feel like i'm in a cage. I feel like i'm shouting in here and no one hears me. I know He hears me, but it's like He's ignoring me, and it's gotten to the point that i'm so tired of repeating myself that i'm tired of saying anything. I know He hears me anyway, but i don't know how to ask anymore. I've asked so many times for so long and to no avail. When will the answer ever be yes?

This month marks (approximately) my eighteenth birthday as a daughter of the King. I know that i am nothing without Him, that without Jesus my life would be meaningless and overwhelmed by the follies of a sinful lifestyle. I'm so grateful that He chose me, that He has dreams that are so much bigger than the ones i can even imagine.

I'm just afraid that i'm missing something, that i'm not saying the right words or that i'm not asking forgiveness for the right sins. I can't find anything in my life that's blocking Him. I know that i'm a sinner, but so much of what i am is what this period of my life has shaped me into. I know that might sound like a cop out but it's true. How can i know who to be if He does not clearly show me? I can only guess and hope. It's been six and a half years of darkness, and He's been so silent that i've become afraid that when i can feel Him again i will be overwhelmed with the light. I'm afraid that i'm praying the wrong things. I'm afraid that i'm making the wrong choices. I'm afraid that i've already messed up too much and it's too late for any of my dreams to come true; not that God has let me down... but that i've let Him down.

Satan and his minions laugh at me. I'm more scared of him than i should be. He's obviously scared of me, he's given me such a hard time. I know that i can do anything when Christ is giving me the strength. But at the same time i can't do anything if He doesn't give me the strength, and i don't feel like i have much strength anymore. I keep trusting that somehow He's going to make it okay, but i can't help but wonder if i've already let him down or if i will because i don't have the strength to hold on anymore. Does 1 Corinthians 10:13 apply in situations like this? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I feel dead. I don't know how to lift up my cross and follow Him. I don't know how to get up off the ground. I don't know how to reflect God's love to others. I don't know how He could use someone like me. I just pray that He will use me (because i know He can; He can do anything). I just try to pray that He'll give me the strength to get through this.

I don't know how to be positive. I don't know how to be optimistic. God will get me through this, i believe that: but i'm going through hell to get there. Earth is the closest that Christians get to Hell: lately it's been way too close for my liking. And try as i might, i can't think up any words to make things better.

I don't want to be Frodo. I don't want to give in to the dark once i've finally reached my destination. I don't want to give up on life and happiness and succumb to grief once the dark is past. I want to shine. I want to burn with an overwhelming passion for Jesus. I want to love with God's love. I know a lot of Christians probably think i'm off the deep end, that no one should worry about what God thinks and wants so much... I'm not sure what to say to them. All i know is what i feel God has taught me in the past. I think He wants me to take up my cross daily and follow Him. I think He wants me to dedicate even the small stuff to Him. I don't think He wants me to sweat it; i think He wants me to trust Him in all things.

I know i'm not very articulate. I just want God to use me. I love Him so much it hurts. I don't know how to deal with the pain. I hope you can sort of understand that and why i act the way i do, why i write what i write. I'm just trying to please Him. I really wish i knew how. And i know i should read my Bible more but i'm scared that He won't speak to me that way, either (it seems like usually even when i do read, He still doesn't show me what to do). I just miss Him and don't know what else to do. I'm trying so hard. I know it's not enough.

life verse

I love you, Lord; You are my strength.
~ Psalm 18:1 (NLT)

just heard on K-Love

who told us we'd be rescued ~ what has changed and ~ why should we be saved from nightmares ~ we're asking why this happens to us ~ who have died to live, it's unfair

this is what it means to be held ~ how it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life ~ and you survive ~ this is what it is to be loved and know ~ that the promise was when everything fell ~ we'd be held

this hand is bitterness ~ we want to taste it and ~ let the hatred numb our sorrows ~ the wise hand opens slowly ~ to lilies of the valley and tomorrow

if hope if born of suffering ~ if this is only the beginning ~ can we not wait, for one hour ~ watching for our Savior
~ from Held as sung by Natalie Grant

family tree

Okay, it feels weird specifying that Megan's my sister every time i mention her. Here's a little family tree...

Dad + Mom = me (23), Megan (21), Katie (9), Sammy (6), Daniel (5), Abby (2), Polly (almost 15 months)
Andrew + Megan = Alice Claire

I think i got all the ages right. I have the hardest time keeping their birthdays straight: not the days or months, but the year. Btw, Daniel is the only boy (Sammy is Samantha). Yes, i'm the oldest. Yes, i love having lots of younger siblings. I want to have at least four kids myself, if not closer to eight. God's going to be planning my family; i don't believe in birth control.

i'm back!

Well the trip was pretty fun. I got a bit of a sunburn, some reading done, and some knitting done as well. I was also dreaming up new formatting for this page (as you can see). Tonight my family and i are going to JUCO even though it's raining (my weather update is a little behind at present).

what i'm knitting ~ a sweater and booties for Alice Claire (Megan's baby... due July 4th)
what i'm reading ~ Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

weekend campout

Last night i finally started (in earnest) to work on my HPSS review again. I looked at an old review of Dark Angel that i did like three years ago for inspiration: man, i miss being able to pound stuff like that out. Anyways, i'll be on a campout with family this weekend and as such be unable to work on it until Monday night at least. But expect updates: even if i get a summer job i'm hoping to do this in preparation for the HBP release that's coming up. Hard to believe that it's almost June!

Oh, btw, i've been giving Lumos Nox a facelift.

life verse

This is real love. It is not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.
~ John 4:10 (NLT)

point of view buttons

I got the idea from Cinnamon's blog Crafty Monster Strikes Back, and now have some informative buttons to the right that are "stolen" from Steal These Buttons. Pretty nifty. I hope to add more soon.

Firefox

Well i finally figured out why i couldn't install Firefox (the download window kept closing before it was finished downloading) and now have it installed. It's already proving to be better than IE, and it's such a relief to finally have good software to use. It will take a little time to get used to the tabs being on top (and all in one browser instead of multiple) but i like it so far. (:

So, according to my profile my most recent post was... 26 October 2004. Funny, i think i've posted several times today.

pic

I finally have a pic of me uploaded to my profile! So now everyone can see... well, about a quarter of my face.

(btw, i took this pic with my Motorola V265 camera phone last February... my cheeks were so pink that i must have been cold or i got too much sun snowboarding)

life verse

I have come as a light to shine in this dark world, so that all who put their trust in Me will no longer remain in the darkness.
~ John 12:46 (NLT)

It's funny how God brings many things together to bring one thing into focus. Like how much i love my sisters and brother and how i should act towards them. I've always known instinctively (my conscience guided me when i was growing up) but now it's different. I remember a time when i agreed with Cain: "am I my brother's keeper?" And then i saw SpyKids and Machete says "Look how <Cain and Abel> turned out." And Carmen points out (rightly so) that family is supposed to take care of each other. Only its clear the entire movie that she hasn't been taking care of Juni at all even though she claims she is.

I've been thinking about this because of something i said to my mother today and some of the stuff i read cleaning out my old e-mail drafts. Mom's been stressed a lot lately. This weekend i said something to her that, while it was true, was needlessly harsh and disrespectful. I'm sorry i said it. On the flip side of the coin two of those drafts were letters to my sister Megan during a time when she had hurt me very much and i was trying to patch things up. I don't think about what happened back then any more. I forgot it. I don't know if i forgave her as much as i let it go. Megan and i are getting along great now, in fact every time there's a birthday or Christmas we buy each other too much.

I'm falling apart. I've felt that way for a long time, but now i don't feel it anymore, i just see it. I don't know how to fight anymore, to feel the pain. Everywhere i look i see... the sky is falling (for lack of a better term). The Church isn't doing what needs to be done, America as i know it is falling apart, and i feel helpless to change anything. I've always known that: i know that i'm nothing, that God is everything. I wish i could relate that, i cannot say it strongly enough. And my view of the world now: i don't know if it's true or if Satan and/or his minions are lying to me. I know there's a battle going on around me, but how bad is it? Am i starting to see it again? I know that God is the ultimate victor, but will he be the victor here in the U.S., in my lifetime?

I'm starting to lose hope of that. It's such a pipe dream that America will ever return to God. Last time i listened to Sean Hannity--it was weeks ago--he was talking about this chip that they've changed the name of so people won't realize it's the same offensive thing with upgrades. This chip can be planted in your skin. It has a GPS tracker in it so if your kid is kidnapped you can track your kid. I'm sure it's probably the same chip that can be used in place of credit cards and can carry your medical history. They're currently trying to find a way to make the chip permanent so no one can remove it. Sean was really upset about this (understandably so): so am i. He said to one caller (a mother who was ready to sign up): so they put this chip in your kid and your kidnapped... now these kidnappers are going to be cutting something out of your kid. I know this is the mark of the beast: it's not alarmist, it fits the description. Parents will put it in their kids foreheads so their hands won't get chopped off. Designers will make the chip impossible to be removed so kidnappers won't mutilate the faces of children. Lots of people will get one. Perfectly reasonable.

I don't know if this blog will ever help make a difference against something as big as that. I know it can't on my own power. But God has been so still in my life that i wonder if i'm doing the right thing. I'm still impatient. I know he's working in my life: i can't feel him, but i can see the effects of it. But my grades in college aren't as high as i feel they should be (and i really tried hard last semester). Acting doesn't come easy to me like it used to. And writing: even when i want to write something i can't because i don't have the words or i don't have the time. Everything feels hopeless, and like i'm letting Him down, but i don't know how to fight harder or do more. I just don't. It's like i'm in quicksand: the more i struggle, the more stuck i become, and i need to relax and let someone pull me out.

But how long will i have to wait? I'm tired of waiting. I've been waiting for over six years! It feels like a waste. God's trying to teach me something, but what is it? What's so important that my ministries should be put on hold for six years? It feels like a waste and i'm ashamed that i feel that way. My old Sunday School teacher (who finally talked to me for the first time yesterday, acting as if nothing had ever happened) would have me believe that i'm not doing anything, that what i'm trying to do is worthless. I can't believe that. I will never believe that unless God tells me that. And so i still don't know what to do.

life verse

God did not send his Son into the world to condemn it, but to save it.
~ John 3:17 (NLT)