final at last

i finally gave notice at work today. i didn't think i was going to get through last week! So now two more weeks or eight days depending how you look at it. Then i want to go camping for a few days before we go visit Chubuncle. i can hardly wait. It's hard to believe that i've been at this job since mid-April. It seems impossible.

A story about "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest"

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

by Gore Verbinski

So, i took in a midnight viewing, chatted about Eldest (because i was reading it while i was waiting and the people behind me were in the middle of it), and was a bit shocked by what i saw. As far as sequels go this was not the best… but it most certainly not the worst, either. It had several good moments, was cornier than the original, and a maddening yet awesome conclusion. Let’s just say it’s growing on me. It was neat to go when i did because the crowd was loud (duh! don’t go to a midnight viewing and expect it to be quiet) and many seemed to appreciate it even more than i did.

And the only SPOILERS you’re going to get from me…

As a side note, i was a little upset not to see more of Orli (sorry, Bloom) climbing the sail (because it was in the preview) but that really was not important to the plot, i just happen to be a Bloom fan. But this nowhere equates to how upset i was to see AGAIN SPOILER Elizabeth flirting with Sparrow and what became of that. My heart just broke for Will. Sorry for the yelling, but it did. Everyone seemed to do things that were a bit out of character from the first film, but hey, characters change, look what happened to Vaughn on Alias (but that’s a whole ‘nother casket of bones).

See more about Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

Why I admire Hugh Jackman

i just watched X-Men and X-Men 2 for the first time in a couple of years and was absolutely blown away by Mr. Jackman’s performance. It had been a long time since i had seen them but i finally got around to buying the movies and appreciate them a lot more after seeing X-3. He really is the lead character in these movies. i also feel like he was the only reason Swordfish is worth seeing. Next on my list of movies to buy is Kate & Leopold, another movie in which he absolutely rocks. i’m also really looking forward to his new Woody Allen movie with Scarlett Johansson (Scoop).

Learn more about Hugh Jackman

why don't i write more?

the last post took me thirty-six minutes to write, and i didn't even edit or proofread it. writing is exhausting and a luxury that, while i would love to have, can usually not afford.

Click again

i am soooo exhausted. i have just had this majorly bad week where i have been trying so hard to be positive and work hard and yet was so tired that i didn't want to try at all. i hate to say this (because i know i'll sound like such a whiner), but why does it always seem to be that the harder i work/try to be successful and joyful that the more bad/stressful/depressing things happen to me? i am just working my butt off at work and it's just too much for me to handle but it's like i can't stop: too many people are relying on me and i just brought home this new computer.

That's right, you heard correctly, Sunday the 18th of June i shopped around and "purchased" a Sony Vaio laptop eighteen months same as cash. So far i haven't paid anything except for the mouse. And i love my new computer so far, i've been wanting to buy one for over three years, but now of course i have to work so i can make payments and--let's face it--my job stinks. i work more than ten hours a day, four days a week normally, but an extra day when someone gets fired or quits or calls in sick/"family emergency"/drunk. The district manager doesn't like the fact that the cooler doesn't get stocked and the ice doesn't get bagged every night, okay, so i stay late to do it, and then she gets mad about that. There's no way for me to do all my work! This will be even more impossible when school starts, working over forty hours a week (because those ten hour days don't include paperwork and stocking). But i'm too busy to clean, work too late to apply for jobs, too stressed to sleep and get up early enough to get anything done. The three day weekend i now possess keeps me sane, but how long will that last? The woman i haven't even finished training is already talking about leaving! The new assistant manager is a joke, she can't do her job. The manager is going to quit or get demoted after she enjoys next week in Vegas. And i still haven't gotten back the $200 that my former assistant manager stole from my drop.

i'm so tired of letting everyone walk all over me, take advantage of me, and pulling me down. i don't want to be stressed, i don't want to be angry, i don't want to be a career woman. Watching Click again tonight at the drive in... it's so clear that Kate Beckinsale's character is a stay at home mom and they don't make an issue of it, it's natural, it's the way things are supposed to be, there's no angst about it except for the fact that the Dad is never home or helps out. Morty tells Michael "Your life was on fast forward long before I met you"... that's how my life feels. i'm always waiting for my life to begin, for something good to happen, and it never does. i love living and i am so grateful to God for all He has given me but i hate my life. How can i be a wife and mother if i have no husband? How could i act/produce/direct films if i'll never be able to get to LA or NYC? How am i supposed to write something worth publishing when i don't have time or energy to write, let alone a good story idea? How am i supposed to take care of a dog when i can't even take care of myself? i'm always dreaming, and lately it's been so very important to me to actually strive to achieve these dreams, but where am i going? Am i doing the right things? Why do i always feel so guilty when i'm just trying to be happy??? and not necessarily for myself, but like in Nacho Libre, i want to do it to help others, too. Is that so wrong to ask?!? Why did God give me these dreams if i am not meant to achieve them? How am i supposed to stop being depressed and angry and downtrodden by my life? i try so hard and nothing ever seems to get better because as soon as something does get better the next moment it gets ten times worse.

My body is constantly in pain. i know i should be eating better, and exercising, but again, where is the time? i want to buy a longboard and a ski pass this winter: more money that i will have to work for. i feel like i'm selling my soul just to get by. Here i am, a capitalist through and through, and i hate corporate for being so single-mindedly focused on making money that they forget that what's most important is a satisfied customer. i don't get lunch/dinner, i don't get a potty break, i don't get a break at all, and they try to pin drive offs on me (but won't make all the pumps prepay), try to make me work less hours while doing more than humanly possible, cheat me out of money i didn't steal, and won't fix the receipt printers, videocameras, car wash, etc. The whole station needs to be remodeled. We need more than one employee on duty at once. i need this job so much that i have to be willing to put up with anything.

How do i take my life out of fastforward? Sometimes i have wished that i could be like Forrest Gump and jog crosscountry on a whim. "I just felt like running." But i wouldn't be able to get one block without running out of oxygen or getting a cramp. i don't want to get sucked into the "must have more than the Jones'" mentality but i can't even support myself and there's so much i want. i want to travel the world. i want to own hundreds of beloved dvds and cds and write about why they have changed my life. Why do i have to be such a foolish dreamer? But i can't change who i am no matter how hard i try and no matter how many times i put my hope in God nothing changes. Life keeps passing me by on fastforward, a life i don't want, can't control, can't change. i want to rewind and start over, i want to wake up from a dream and realize that i'm still in high school, thin enough to run around the softball field and not get out of breath, naive enough to know that anything is possible. No matter how hard i try nothing will ever be enough to get me through this darkness; i've always known this. i still try: i don't know what else i can do. But i am nothing, God is everything. It goes back to Coach Carter again, my greatest fear is that i will fail.

i have so much more to say but no words to put them into. Words are never enough, no matter how much i struggle to put pain into prose. The one thing that should never have to be said is this: no matter how bad things get or what i have to go through, He still has all of me.

A story about the last time I consumed "Chicken Little"

Chicken Little

i should say that i “tried” to consume this. After about half an hour i gave up. Even with the voice talents of several actors that i like this could not hold my interest and didn’t seem to be going anywhere. i already know the ending, so maybe that didn’t help, but it felt like they were trying to rip of Pixar and were failing at it badly.

See more about Chicken Little

don't be envious, but...

this has never been hard for me, even though i’m fat it’s a stretch i can always pull off. What i sometimes have to work towards a bit is feet together, hands flat on the floor. If i couldn’t touch my toes it would be really wierd.

See more progress on: be able to touch my toes

not terrible, not the best

Domino (Widescreen New Line Platinum Series)

by Tony Scott

i had heard this was bad so much that i actually expected it to be bad: it wasn’t. It wasn’t the best movie of all time, and it was a little strange, but i think i’d rank it alongside Swordfish… a bit disapointing but still with enough umph to be good. Plenty of twists and turns, great quotes from Domino in the special features (she sounds like a kindred spirit), and in the same style as Man on Fire. Enjoyable, but neither Scott will never be a favorite, just worth a look-see.

See more about Domino (Widescreen New Line Platinum Series)

everything is excellent

Everything Is Illuminated

by Liev Schreiber

This film was absolutely hilarious but also had lots of depth. It was riveting to see the countryside, how American everything was for the young people and how traditional it was at their destination. The question “is the war over?” was heartbreaking but at the same time you have to wonder why anyone would cut themself off from the world like that. But to live in fear for decades! “Alex” made the movie, and Elijah Wood was stunning. How can anyone be that blank? What it’s hard for someone who doesn’t act to realize is that everything the actor is thinking is picked up by the camera and to be so totally expressionless… it can only be accomplished by someone who has mastered the art of acting, actors struggle for years to master the skill. All in all this was a fun rigid search.

See more about Everything Is Illuminated

the Remote Woman reports

Click

by Frank Coraci

This movie was pretty awesome. Sandler’s usual style of humor has been toned down but is still there. This movie is acutally science fiction at its best but i doubt many people would label it that way. All the actors deliver excellent performances, the settings are incredible (though a bit predictable), and the story definitely has heart and humor. Definitely worth checking out.

See more about Click

Kristi/Kristine needs

Kristi needs to know exactly what time she is to be
doing something and exactly how it is to be done.
(that is rather helpful in some situations)

It seems that Kristi needs this type of concrete
feedback to grasp her own progress.

Kristi needs to be patient. It takes a month or two
for most big companies to write a check. (so it did!
and they still owe me $200...)

The combination of Red?s title animation with its
over 70 filters offers the range Kristi needs to match
the content of any story.

There is a difference between being "bold" and being
"bossy"--Kristi needs to figure that out, fast. (okay,
but you don't have to be so harsh!)

and...

What's wrong with Kristine? Nothing! She is undergoing
the natural process of "letting go and grabbing on".
Kristine needs a mentor who knows that (a) change is a
predictable series of stages; (b) change is a process;
(c) change is individualized; (d) anxiety and
uncertainty are a part of change; and (e) people
involved in change need personal and technical
support. Such a mentor can help Kristine. (Wow, where
do i sign up?)

Kristine needs to make one to hang in the shop. (from
a knitting blog... but i don't have a shop)

Maybe Kristine needs to find out how Texas deals with
child molesters.

Kristine needs to concentrate on her psychiatry
assignment. Kristine needs to find a boyfriend to
obsses about. Kristine doesn't know what she needs.

Kristine needs the lead-time!

stuck in my head

i was sure by now ~ that You would have reached down ~ and wiped our tears away ~ stepped in and saved the day ~ but once again, i say "Amen," and it’s still raining

as the thunder rolls ~ i barely hear You whisper through the rain ~ "I’m with you" ~ and as Your mercy falls ~ i raise my hands and praise the God who gives ~ and takes away

i’ll praise You in this storm ~ and i will lift my hands ~ for You are who You are ~ no matter where i am ~ every tear i’ve cried ~ You hold in Your hand ~ You never left my side ~ and though my heart is torn ~ i will praise You in this storm

i remember when ~ i stumbled in the wind ~ You heard my cry ~ You raised me up again ~ my strength is almost gone ~ how can i carry on ~ if i can’t find You

as the thunder rolls ~ i barely hear You whisper through the rain ~ "I’m with you" ~ and as Your mercy falls ~ i raise my hands and praise the God who gives ~ and takes away

i’ll praise You in this storm ~ and i will lift my hands ~ for You are who You are ~ no matter where i am ~ every tear i’ve cried ~ You hold in Your hand ~ You never left my side ~ and though my heart is torn ~ i will praise You in this storm

i lift my eyes unto the hills ~ where does my help come from? ~ my help comes from the Lord ~ the Maker of Heaven and Earth

i’ll praise You in this storm ~ and i will lift my hands ~ for You are who You are ~ no matter where i am ~ every tear i’ve cried ~ You hold in Your hand ~ You never left my side ~ and though my heart is torn ~ i will praise You in this storm

~ Praise You in This Storm (Casting Crowns)

that pesky little question

The question everyone has been asking me for weeks now is: "Why in the world did you shave your head?!?" i always want to quote Shaw and say "Why not?" But the truth is that there are many answers to this question on multiple levels.

Firstly, because i've always wanted to see what it would be like! i've always thought that Demi Moore looked sexier with a shaved head (as seen in G.I. Jane). Sigourney Weaver shaved her head in one of the Alien movies (the third one, i think). Natalie Portman shaved her head for V is for Vendetta (which i haven't seen yet) and looked fabulous. Geneva Locke and Kyley Statham had their heads shaved for Dark Angel. i wanted to know what i would look like, had been wanting to do it for years, and decided that it was finally time to take the plunge. If not now, when?

Secondly, i am not a lesbian, nor a skinhead, i'm just trying something new.

Thirdly, i'm always hot in the summer, especially when my hair is on my neck.

My mother thinks that it's important for a woman to cover her head with long hair--if not a head covering--as specified in 1 Corinthians 11. Some might argue that since i have prophecied with my head uncovered in the past i should have my head shaved anyway. But covering my head would also indicate submission to my father that--let's face it--isn't exactly there anymore as i have chosen to be in submission to God alone until i am married. i don't consider myself to be under my father's authority anymore, not since i moved away. This passage also says that a woman's hair is for her glory... i don't want to be glorified right now. i feel ugly. i know that i'm outwardly beautiful, but i feel wretched because i'm sinful, fat, and depressed. i don't want to be glorified, i want God to be glorified.

All Nazarites shave their heads after their vow is fulfilled or if they are made unclean (Numbers 6)... this includes women. So i thought that shaving my head would be okay with God, even if i'm not taking any special vow. Also, i had read in the Bible (Job 1:20-22) references to cutting hair in mourning, which was one of the main thing that attracted to me to the idea in the first place. But then i read a verse (but do not remember where) that led me to believe that one shouldn't cut their hair in mourning... i'm not sure, in any rate when i shaved my head i did it more with the intention of not mourning anymore, of not dwelling on my unhappiness but focusing on God and seeking His will. i don't know if i have accomplished this or if ignoring my pain (which eventually leads to stuffing it back inside) is good or not. Anyways, these were my reasons, i hope they have been informative.

sorry about the silence

what i'm knitting ~ swimsuit coverup
what i'm listening to ~ 12 Stones by 12 Stones

Every time i finally get to lock the doors and turn out the lights at work it always seems utterly surreal to me. i never expect the shift to end, it's so endless. Plus the work absolutely drains me so by the time i get home i usually don't feel up to writing but i'm hours away from winding down enough to sleep. Lately i've only been working ten hour shifts, which makes it even worse. But the schedule should change soon, and i might even get better days off (read: the weekend!). This is great because the church picnic at Highline Lake is coming up and i'd like to take the Motorcycle Safety Course this summer.

So... why is it so weird for the shift to be over? i think it's like everything else in my life: at this point, i don't expect the bad / depressing / hard stuff to ever be over, but for it to keep going on forever. Which scares me because if (no, when) i do ever get through this hard stuff will i even notice? Will i suddenly be ecstatically joyful? It seems impossible, but it's all that i live for.

Mom told me yesterday that she doesn't read this blog very much because in RL she'll think i'm happy and doing fine and then she'll read here that i'm not. i guess that it's true, in RL i have to just forget about the pain and stuff it inside just to get through each day. My boss and customers have said that i'm laughing all the time... i have to laugh so i won't cry. i have to laugh so i won't collapse. i have to laugh so the loneliness won't overwhelm me. i don't feel depressed, i don't have time to be depressed. i don't have time to live. i know that work is my life now, but that's just more depressing if i let myself think about it. So i hold on.

These things don't feel overwhelmingly sad. i do have moments of joy and hope. But mostly i am just numb, overwhelmed, and trying to shut out any moments of weakness. More to come in a few moments...

absolutely hilarious

Casanova

by Lasse Hallström

This movie has a much more modern feel to it than Cyrano did: it’s more akin to Knight’s Tale than, say, Elizabeth or a Shakespeare, but the good thing is that this movie is also a lot better and funnier than any of the aforementioned films. The humor of Cyrano was subtle, Casanova is very obvious and in-your-face about it. Miller, Platt, and Olin all deliver in particular… interesting for me to watch because i’m a fan of Three Musketeers and Alias and also have Sin City on dvd. Ledger was also good: makes me want to see the Brothers Grimm more than ever and Ned Kelly again (though it definitely wasn’t as depressing as the latter or Lord’s of Dogtown). Definitely worth checking out.

See more about Casanova

well acted, well portrayed, still bad behavior

The Forsyte Saga - The Complete Series

by Christopher Menaul

The actors in this production were excellently cast, and the movie was extremely well made, but overall this story was rather depressing and full of immoral behavior. The members of the family who were following their hearts were also adulterous. The members of the family who were upstanding citizens were backstabbing gossipers. Not a pretty picture is portrayed here: darkness lurks beneath all the starched collars and jewels. Ioan Gruffudd blew me away as Phil, and Irene and Soames were especially riveting in their parts. i would guess that this series was fairly true to the books. This miniseries is a perfect example of the fact that just because something is well made doesn’t necessarily mean that it is enjoyable. Three stars because i didn’t “like” it but it’s still worth seeing i guess.

See more about The Forsyte Saga - The Complete Series

beauty in unexpected places

When i moved to Whitewater, i thought it looked dead. The land is covered with salt that creates a greyish color and doesn’t allow much to grow (it seemed to me). Years ago this was ranch country, but now it’s just empty. And then i moved away to the east where everything is close, covered with trees, and humid. i missed the wide open spaces of desert, blue skies, and emptiness. Funny enough, it was Seabiscuit that really got me, when Chris Cooper is riding across the beautiful but disappearing expanse on horseback. Now that i have moved back i see the beauty here, living in the shadow of the Grand Mesa, the empty is not an enemy. There is beauty here, such as driving home at night and seeing the moonlight glinting off the salt in the ground as if it were snow, or coming over a horizon and seeing the glint of the Gunnison River, or just listening to the wind blow (and it blows a lot!). This place has little to do with whitewater rafting even if there is a canoe/kayak takeout here. We are more than a little town. We are an expanse of people who have chosen to forsake the city in order to live closer to nature. We have animals, junk in the yard, and just aren’t what most people consider normal. This tiny town is spread out across miles of Colorado high desert, and we like it that way. The emptiness does not consume us, it enriches us. i like Whitewater loads more than i like Grand Junction and Clifton (where crazy drivers abound, even if we are hours away from the insanity of Denver and Las Vegas traffic). And no one tells us to put our dog on a leash or get the junk off our land or to get the weeds removed or the City will do it for you. i’m glad we don’t have to worry about any of the b.s. Here, at least for a little while longer, America is still about freedom.

See more progress on: Whitewater

sequel, please?

Abhorsen (The Abhorsen Trilogy)

by Garth Nix

Warning: spoilers below.

This book was very strange in that it didn’t feel like the conclusion to a trilogy, it felt like another step. It was a good book, not the best, and raises just as many questions as it answers. What happens to Lirael and everyone else? Does she end up with Nick or Sam? Was this book named after her (the Abhorsen who turned out to be the Abhorsen-in-waiting after all) or Sabriel (who is hardly in it). Where is the disreputable dog going? Good triumphs, and all that, but why on earth do they bury the hemispheres together? Why not simply destroy them altogether or bury them very far apart from one another? Engrossing, but descriptions of the dead hands (which i guess are basically zombies) teeter on the edge of morbid fascination with titilating word play. Good book, though not the best ever, entertaining and worth a look-see at least.

See more about Abhorsen (The Abhorsen Trilogy)

Why I recommend "Nanny McPhee : Based on the Collected Tales of Nurse Matilda"

Nanny McPhee : Based on the Collected Tales of Nurse Matilda

by Christianna Brand

While this isn’t as good as usual for an Emma Thompson adaptation (let’s face it, these books aren’t exactly literary classics and she did take some liberties) this film is definitely worth a viewing, especially if there are some kids in the house. Colin Firth has somehow perfected the art of portraying a man who doesn’t have a backbone. Angela Lansbury was spot on. Kelly MacDonald and Thomas Sangster were excellent. One of the most interesting things about watching this movie is seeing Nanny McPhee’s transformation: by the end Emma Thompson shines with beauty and grace. This was a tad too Hollywood-dumbed-down for my taste, but if Cheaper By the Dozen or Yours, Mine, and Ours are favorites for you, you’ll love this film, too.

See more about Nanny McPhee : Based on the Collected Tales of Nurse Matilda

Dumbed Down Da Vinci

The Da Vinci Code

by Dan Brown

After hearing so much about this book, it was nothing like what i was expecting. It was entirely predictable and not suspenseful at all. I had things figured out while the main characters were still reeling and wondering what the heck was going on. It took forever to get to anything... and it turned out that i was listening to an abridged version! If it would have been the full version i think i would have been bored to tears. This is entirely fiction and unbelievable.

The way Mary Magdalene was presented as the wife of Christ was not offensive to me as a Christian, but perhaps this is because i just finished taking Mythology and the way gods and goddesses were presented as equals has become usual to me. i have no trouble with the concept of Jesus marrying a woman other than the fact that it's not biblical. If Jesus wanted to marry someone He could have, but as He didn't it's a moot point. This is only fiction, looking at different possibilities, which i don't think is wrong as long as one realizes that these possibilities are not the truth.

i know little about the beliefs of da Vinci or the other former members mentioned save Sir Isaac Newton: he, i know, was a Christian and gave Christ and other peoples' research the glory for all of his accomplishments. He would not have been the member of a secret society like this unless there were biblical differences as i mentioned.

i am relieved that the pagan rituals weren't outlined in detail, though perhaps it was different in the full version of the book. i don't know why anyone is complaining about there being no sex in the movie; there was no sex in the book! If this is different in the full version, please tell me.

Overall, this book was a poorly written bore masquarading as a hit. The beginning was okay. The middle dragged. The ending was the final straw: it was pointless and dumb and destroyed an already tottering mess. Badly written with a myriad of unbelievable elements, i am not impressed.

See more about The Da Vinci Code