i am trying

Right now, i'm trying to take care of myself. For a while, i couldn't really get up, so i didn't. i would stick to my bed most of the day, playing WoW, or watching a movie. i've had insomnia, can't fall asleep until dawn, so i just stay up all night trying to distract myself from the pain while really it's all in a search to find some way to deal.

i'm perfectly aware of the fact that feeling sorry for myself (even though my throat doesn't hurt) and wallowing in self pity. What of it? When i catch my breath and regroup i will get up and continue fighting this hopeless battle. Yes, hopeless, for i have no hope without God, if He is absent then there will never be joy or answers or victory or rebuilding. So i take it as it comes (and it comes all the time) and slowly recover my strength.

God put me in the dark, i will not ignore it. There must be some reason He wants me here, i do not know what it is, but i must embrace it. There are times it is too much for me, like the past couple of weeks, so i hide from it, yet it consumes me. Then there are times where i alternate between ignoring it, acting as if it isn't there so i can grasp at the roots of normalcy, and starting to get back up. When i reveal my troubles to people, i get very contrasting responses. Some people think i'm paranoid, some acknowledge the issue but have nothing to offer in the way of help, others are forced to help but fight against it. This i can understand this last response, for it is the same situation i am in. i chose to follow God no matter what, certainly, but if He would have told me what was going to happen, the darkness and hardship that i would have to endure, i would have run the other way just like Jonah.

Anyway, i'm going to try to read my Bible every day again, and i will choose to believe what it says instead of what my eyes tell me. i'm going to try to find a job, and hope that it doesn't kill me. i'm going to try to start knitting and maybe painting again, and getting my chores done more faithfully, and praying and worshiping Him more often. i am going to stop trying to protect myself from the dark and embrace it, because it is what makes me unmundane, it is what proves my devotion to God because it is what He has asked me to endure.

Actually, this insomnia stinks from an exercise standpoint, but if i do get the job my shift would be right in the middle of it. One can only hope.