belated news

So, my last post i was ecstatic that i had found a roommate, an apartment, been accepted at Full Sail, etc. It took less than twenty-four hours for my bubble to burst, and i fought it kicking and screaming... But because no federal aid was offered and private loan repayments would equal $650 a month i have come to accept that Full Sail is not in my future. It is just too expensive.

For a capitalist, i must admit that i hate money. i hate thinking about it, budgeting it, working for not enough of it, and generally drowning just to stay afloat. i never have a chance to get ahead. i can't support myself, even when working full time. i try so hard and it doesn't help one whit, which makes me want to just give up and forget trying at all. It's exhausting, trying so hard, giving so much, holding on to hope, only to find myself--yet again--back at square one. My best laid plans are always laid waste.

When i realized that Full Sail was out of reach i was crushed. i was angry at God, because i was so certain that this was what He wanted me to do, which begged the question: was it not God that gave me the dream to become an astronaut? An actress? And now film screenwriter/producer/director? Though i had always prefaced prayers my prayers by asking Him to show me if moving to Florida and attending Full Sail wasn't His will, when the answer did turn out to be no it was still extremely difficult for me to put aside my doubts, worries, despair, and shut down my mind enough to sleep, relax, focus on anything but how much of a fool that i felt and how angry and sad i was that everything i have been working towards was/seemed like a waste of time. i was so sure that God was pushing me in this direction, but even as i was mad at Him, even madder at myself, i knew that i had to pray, to tell Him, to reaffirm for myself, to Him, that He is in control, that it is His will, not mine, that is most important. In that moment i was crushed and felt like a fool for getting my hopes up, but i knew that there must be a reason for it, even though i still don't know what that reason is. So even while i was crying my eyes out i was determined to hold on to my faith and deny my inclination to put my desires before His.

i often say that i don't know what to do, and this event was not the first to cause me to beg God for help, deliverance, and/or guidance. i know that i'm nothing on my own, i know that i can't make it on my own power, no matter what people tell me. Some people act as if i'm a fool for having dreams at all, others act as if it is a sure thing that i will succeed at any thing that i set my mind to... Both viewpoints are inaccurate from my persepective. i don't know how to not dream, how to stop reaching for the stars, how to stop seeking God's will and guidance. At the same time i am weak, fallible, and incapable of being successful at anything of my own will, power, or volition. i am powerless, helpless, and i will not succumb to the conceit that i am capable of doing anything without Him. This is why i wait, not because it is of my power, or because i want to (for i lack patience in the most horrible way), but because that is what God has asked me to do.

i don't know if God will ever answer my questions, reveal to me the answer to the question of why?!?, but i do know that i cannot turn my back on Him. i have repeatedly felt as if i were at the end of my rope, out of hope, drowning and an inch from death (in a spiritual sense), but if i cannot succeed now, when fully surrendered to God, then how could i succeed under my own power and volition? If God does not exist, or if He does and i do not succeed in the task He has given me, then how could i face Him after death? So i am not suicidal, and no matter how bad things get i know i can turn to no one but Him, but that is not to say that things are ever easy for me. Just when i feel as if i can tread water and breathe, as if i am about to escape the cage, climb out of the abyss, i drown/fail/fall again. Even when things are good or looking up i must trust God for each moment, for each heartbeat of bliss, for every mustard seed of hope.

So i sound overdramatic; you try living through hell for a while. Oh, i know that i have food, can watch movies, play games, clothe myself, and am not in immediate fear of war / drowning / famine / rape / martyrdom / cancer / disease, but i am not fighting a battle of flesh and blood. My war is spiritual: i drown in despair, my famine is of the Spirit, my hope is torn from me, my faith tested to its limits. Of my body: i cannot lose weight, which to me is worse than the prospect of any other disease. i would willingly die for God, and so i put my spiritual life on the line for Him all the time.

Maybe one day i will have to die for my faith, but my biggest concern is that i'm not serving Him enough to merit that. i've heard the hypothetical question: "if you were put on trial for being a Christian, would you be convicted?" i am afraid that the evidence might not be as strong as i would hope, so i endeavor to make the evidence stronger, more evident. But as i say, i am weak, i have a long way to go, each day is a battle. Is it enough to live my faith, or should i talk about it more openly? If someone were to ask a coworker or a classmate what religion i am, what i believe in, would the know, would they be able to say?

i hope the answer is yes, but i'm scared that it's not. i have given in to the darkness too much, i have failed God too often. And the truth of it is that i don't know how to fight any harder, but i am mad at myself and God at the same time.