i had no idea how i was going to get through twenty minutes of running, it seemed impossible. The first time i crossed the cattleguard i had to walk for a few seconds because i couldn't catch my breath. As soon as it was under control i pushed on. i stopped for a couple of seconds at the turn around point to get a drink of water and i felt like i could use it. So all together i rested for about 30s, and that was all i needed. The second time i crossed the cattleguard i felt like i could keep going forever. By the time i got to the last hill, though, i was having trouble pushing through it. i had turned around a little too early so i was running up a hill that i normally walk up during my cooldown. But i keep persevering and got through it, week 5 is now complete. It's unbelievable to me that i can say it.
It's also unbelievable to me that after seven weeks of running, i have only lost five pounds at best. It's incredibly discouraging after all the work i've put in. On Monday people were laughing at me and rude, and i was in pain, and i pushed through it. An hour later i got a cramp in my diaphragm. Half an hour after that my back cramped and i fell on the floor in pain, waiting for it to end. On Wednesday i barely finished both of my intervals. Today the last 2-3 minutes were incredibly hard. My left foot was in pain, i'm not sure why, i think my muscles were trying to decide whether they were going to keep working or cramp up on me. i could not have ran any farther, i don't know how i finished to be perfectly honest.
i know that i've made a lot of progress, that my lung capacity has improved, and my muscles can work for longer than ever before, but i still feel like i'm failing. i'm running so very slowly and still can't lose weight. i honestly don't know how i get through each day, it's a roller coaster, one minute i feel fine, and fifteen minutes later i'm depressed, and fifteen minutes later--if i don't let myself dwell on the pain--i feel fine again. But the instant i start thinking about the pain i crash again.
i am exhausted. i have no self confidence, am lonely, am having to force myself to continue to do my school work, i have no hope. i don't know what to do, i can't figure things out, i'm not feeling better no matter how hard i try, i feel like a failure. Next week, we may have a socialist for our president elect, and that terrifies me. This week, i am alone, with no prospects, and that terrifies me, too. i try so hard and my life just doesn't get better. i pray, and God gives me a second wind when i'm running, or maybe even a breeze, and i'm grateful, but it isn't enough. For all i know, something is going to happen to make me fall apart, because i'm barely holding it together, and something worse always happens eventually, always. God still doesn't answer my prayers and i don't have anything else to give and i don't know what to do. As always, just when i think things can't get any worse, they do: they so do.
3 comments:
I hope this doesn't come off as preachy, but I think that sticking to the program for 5 weeks is a huge achievement. It doesn't matter if you have to stop to catch your breath, or feel like you're not moving as fast as you should be. The point is you're doing it. Take pride in that. It's a huge accomplishment.
I haven't had a chance to read your entire blog, but regardless, you're doing something positive for yourself, both physically and mentally. It's all a matter of perspective. I found your blog from the c25k message board. I just completed w5d1. Day 3 seems daunting, but every day has felt that way and I've found a way to push through it. I just tell myself to keep moving. And sometimes I slow down, and I might even have to stop at some point. But the point is I got off the couch and tried.
Hang in there and have faith. Look for the positive. It's there. Pat yourself on the back. Just keep going. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. You can do it.
I've been through the program, even created a podcast to help me run. (the Christian Indie one)
Made it up to an hour of running...
Then Thanksgiving and Christmas came around and now I'm at Week 5 again.
I expect you've already made it through to the other side. If not, there's hope, because if a big fat 200 pounder like me that's 47 and sedentery can make it through, bet you can too.
I've read some of your posts and expect there's somebody out there waiting for you.
Pray and keep your eyes open and keep praying. My wonderful wife found me because she dragged my clueless self into a stairwell and gave me a big kiss.
Guys don't always 'get it'. They're usually stuck on 'Conan Kill Everything.' But there's someone perfect for you out there that God's guiding your way. Keep your eyes open, and pray. :-)
Wow, that's funny, i actually tried the Christian Indie podcast my first week with C25k. The songs were okay (i remember liking one a lot), but they weren't quite upbeat enough for me. i remember liking how encouraging it was (with a mention of where the halfway point was and congrats at the end of the workout).
Yeah, i've finished the Couch to 5k, but quit for a while right after this post. It was a long time before i could pull it together enough to finish the program, and now i'm training for my first triathlon and am running my first 5k on Saturday.
i'm not quite so pessimistic about my love life prospects anymore (ha, i don't have a love life: what i mean, i don't feel like i'm going to be alone forever). i still hate being alone but somehow i've found a little hope lately. i don't know if it's the extra exercise i've been doing or what, but even though i know next week is going to be incredibly stressful because of finals, i know i've achieved something (God willing, i certainly couln't have done it on my own).
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