final State and Local Government chapter assignment

What are some of the unsolvable problems that fall within the scope of government's responsibility? Are there ways of matching public expectations with realistic assessments of capacity? Is the public capable of appreciating the complexity of some issues instead of pressing for simple solutions? Also, please remember to write a summary of the main points of the chapter, as well as respondng to the question.

The majority of the problems that this chapter is discussing do not fall within the scope of the government's responsibility at all (in my opinion). It is not the government's job to find people work or save money for them so they can vacation. It is not its responsibility to provide medical care, housing, or education. These are not responsibilities granted in the Constitution, and I doubt that they are in state constitutions, either. Historically, local governments have been responsible for education, and now states are, and as time goes by the federal government has become more and more involved in regulating and trying to solve the problems that pervade this system. Meanwhile the quality of the education of American students has gone from bad to worse. I don't care if the majority of people have been brainwashed into thinking that it's the government's job to fix everything, it can't, it's not their responsibility, and usually their interventions only make matters worse, and this is why democracy has been historically proven to be ineffectual. I want to know who gave the federal, all the way down through the local, government god-like status and started taking away the rights of its citizens? Before the Constitution was written, there was the Declaration of Independence, which affirms that all men have a right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. When the government stops protecting life, guarding liberty, and begins limiting, even infringing upon, the individual's ability to pursue happiness, those actions make the government ineffectual and negligent, if not criminally culpable. The government cannot solve these problems for us, neither should it try to. Individuals must be responsible for their own actions and finding their own prosperity.

Regarding protection of the environment (at least under today's definitions), such a concept probably did not come into the minds of the Founding Fathers because they did not know what technologies would be invented and cause such widespread problems. The government cannot limit where a citizen goes, when, or in what manner. It cannot tell people that they can't buy the car they want to buy or go on their vacation because it would cause too much pollution. Instead the government already taxes the gas that people buy to fuel their car. Create more grants to companies that are trying to discover cleaner burning fuels and ways to electrically power cars. Encourage other ways of living green, for instance, instead of pushing formula and chemical laden diapers into new mother's faces, educate them about the healthy and better alternative of breastfeeding and using cloth diapers. Maybe the government could provide tax incentives to recycling companies and people who recycle, or tax the people who are putting needless waste into landfills. But the government doesn't educate, it doesn't support healthy choices, it pushes bad alternatives on us instead. Instead of rewarding good choices they reward bad ones, further contributing to the problems that they are causing while claiming that they are trying to solve them. If all levels of the government are as in tune with the wants and needs of its citizens as it claims, then the policymakers need to get with the program and start using their heads. If the local government wants to further economic growth so they can increase their base then they need to stop impeding said economic growth.

State and local governments cannot decrease dependence on welfare programs by increasing funding and creating new welfare programs. Instead, it would make more sense to start providing grants to starting and maintaining effective privatized assistance programs that will eventually be funded solely by donations. The largest problem with the criminal system is that many offenders are released too early or do not serve any time at all. While incarceration is costly, if an individual has been declared guilty by a jury then they have lost certain freedoms because of their crimes and must pay a debt to society. Sending the message that criminals will not be punished or can get a Get Out of Jail Free card does not discourage crime, nor does the punishment fit the crime. Similarily, it is not the responsibility of government to discourage or prevent crime in any other way, it is its responsibility to bring offenders to justice.

Public education as it currently exists is ineffectual and causing more problems, these problems need to be taken out of the hands of the lawmakers and put back into the hands of the parents. This is why juvenile crime is up, because some parents are no longer disciplinging or raising their children, but instead are expecting the school system to do it for them. That is not the job of any school, to stand in the place of the parent. Their job is to instill knowledge through learning, which is not what the system is focused on doing so much as control. Public schools throw information at their students, not expecting or desiring them to retain said information. What the system cares about more than anything else is attendance. If the student is in class, that's all that seems to matter. If they pass their tests and do their homework, so much the better! It doesn't matter if they are learning, what matters is if each student jumps through all the hoops and arbitrary requirements that have been put into place so they can make the ultimate achievement: they can get a little piece of paper that the rest of the world can see and approve of. This is lunacy. This does not improve society and does a disservice to each and every student.

Internet Grammar

It's hard for me to believe that I have been writing on the Internet for ten years, and using it for longer than that. I can still remember the first time I used the Web at my then local library, and wondering how this text based medium could ever catch on (Yahoo was, after all, sending me in circles at the time). I remember the first computer my family owned that had a color screen and actually used graphics that looked like photos (instead of something that had been created with a monotone LiteBright) and how dial up that took forever. I remember teaching myself how to write html using an online tutorial, writing my first piece of fanfiction, frequenting forums, posting to several Yahoo Groups that also had weekly chats, and a few years later discovering what a blog is. Anything that was written about the internet five years ago (let alone ten years ago!) is ancient history, and apparently there is next to no one writing about grammar on the internet. When I think about it, this makes sense, I mean why should we? We are living it, we know it backwards and forwards, why spend your time writing or reading about it? The rules will be rewritten next week. Still, for the purpose of discussion, I will outline three types of online writing that I am very familiar with… categories of Internet grammar, if you will. As the Internet has evolved, the number and types of activities that surfers can enjoy has gotten much broader, creating there is a wide spectrum of writing formality that is utilized when writing in these environments.

Chat
Ten years ago, Abdullah pointed out that the Internet was being used for “e-mail, chats, Web-based discussions and SMS messages is marked by features of both informal speech and formal writing, a host of text-based icons and acronyms for managing social interaction, and changes in spelling norms” (Impact). In reality, the use of grammar (or lack thereof) takes place in a much broader range of settings now. The most informal writing, chat, can be found in chat rooms, instant messages, comments to articles, blogs, and on MySpace, and in the interaction of players of MMORPGs (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games). Here is where grammar in the traditional sense is often thrown out the window. Chatters use acronyms (that often greatly depend on the content they are discussing), omit periods and commas, and spelling is often butchered (sometimes on purpose). In this environment it is still rude to type with the caps lock turned on—unless of course you meant to yell—and no one is going to correct your grammar.

It is true that a lot of these chatters are very young, still in junior high or high school, but just as many of them are college students, adults with a steady income, or middle aged individuals that started playing games on their computers before games even had graphics. In this environment it’s okay to use the English language in creative ways that would make your teacher pull his or her hair out, and use code words from inside jokes that are shared by millions. Conversations can be hard to follow for the uninitiated because the pace is so fast and the topic is changed so frequently. The acronyms can also be intimidating at first, because there are so many to learn and remember, some with multiple variations that are accepted, some that make absolutely no sense whatsoever, and some spellings that make the new version of the word longer than the original, correct one. In this world Chuck Norris is often worshiped as a god and everything could always use—nay, needs—more cowbell.

It’s a widely held opinion that so much violence and bad grammar can’t be good for developing minds, but here is the Internet grammar that “ the past distinctions between writing and talking” (Electronic Discourse). With these types of media individuals can discuss topics more openly than in RL (a.k.a. Real Life), interact with citizens of other countries instantly, and have to navigate the difficulties that can be caused by not being able to hear tone and intonation (which is where smiley faces come in so handy). These interactions and shared experiences can seem more real than those in RL, but they are in a compartment of their own, along with the bad grammar that is used. Some are concerned about “how effectively students can communicate meaning using the situational rhetoric of written talk, the conventions of which differ noticeably from those of traditional academic writing” (Electronic Discourse), but people who frequently interact in this way understand that it is a separate sphere than in other areas or the internet, face to face conversations, and certainly won’t be using the lingo in their schoolwork.

Blogs, Forums, Fanfiction
A more formal usage of Internet grammar is the English found in most blogs and forums. Here writers can journal, write about what they are reading, writing, or experiencing in their life, report news, share information on any topic under the sun, support others, receive reciprocal advice, and sometimes connect with like-minded people to meet in person. Forums can still contain smiley faces and acronyms, but “the malleable nature of electronic text has made the physical process of composing more 'elastic' in that writers are quicker to commit thought to writing and to reorganize content because it is simple to make changes on the electronic screen” (Impact). The style of writing is more formal, yet still retains the personal touch. Using proper grammar is very important in this category. Some other forms of communication that can also fall under this heading are virtual work-related board meetings and advice sites where anyone can post answers to questions or reviews of products.

Similarly, the Internet has enabled writers of fiction to have their work read and critiqued in a way that never would have been possible otherwise. Fanfiction is stories written by fans of books, television programs, and movies. These works cannot be legally published for profit and usually contain a disclaimer to this effect. The writers don’t own the content they are extrapolating upon, but they have been inspired by the original work and are respectfully giving the characters (often along with some new ones) their own voice. To be honest, some fanfiction out there is horrible and isn’t worth reading because of the bad grammar and lack of plot, but on the other hand some of it is so good that it could be published and is popular enough that the writer would be considered successful. Beginning and Intermediate writers can gain experience using the resources the Internet provides. Alongside this are the more experienced writers who are writing original works and are self-publishing their stories in book form, promoting their work in new ways, or who are writing non-fiction.

Formal Articles and Research
This last category of Internet grammar is one that all good college attending report writers are familiar with. The most formal writing online is in the form of published articles from journals that cover a wide array of topics, including medical, literary, and technical. If the researchers are very lucky they can find the sources they need with the quality of information that is quote worthy by using the correct database or online encyclopedia. When these sources fail a student they can turn to professionally written news articles and blogs, where the writers usually have an editor and have spent a lot of time performing their own research. After that there are resources such as Wikipedia, which can be very helpful, but theoretically anyone can edit the entries so the sources may not always be reliable. In all reality most of these reports are merely an online copy of something that was published by the government or in a magazine, but more and more are being written with the sole intent of being used online.

The Future of Internet Grammar
As we continue experiencing the changes of the twenty-first century, technology and the way that it is being used continues to change writing. New words and expressions are quickly spread through online conversations and prose. The Internet may quickly be finding itself obsolete and retired to a new and improved Grid that communicates “at speeds about 10,000 times faster than a typical broadband connection” (the Grid). Books may be eventually replaced with environmentally friendly alternatives such as the Kindle, a handheld device that can wirelessly download and display over 200 books, newspapers, magazines, and blogs (Kindle). A world without books, where all writing takes place electronically, can and perhaps is happening within our lifetime, which would gradually change all writing that used to be in print to become integrated as part of the Internet Grammar spectrum. Personally, I enjoy interacting online and writing with all three levels of grammatical efficiency. Being able to electronically dog ear or search (Kindle) through what I’m reading would be great (I would never abuse a book like that in real life!), and this technology had the potential to help renew an interest in reading, but I am going to have a very hard time giving up my books.

Bibliography
Abdullah, Mardiziah Hayati. “Electronic Discourse: Evolving Conventions in Online Academic Environments. The Clearinghouse on Reading, English, and Composition. 1998. Accessed April 29, 2008. http://chiron. valdosta.edu/whuitt/files/elecdiscourse.html
--- “The Impact of Electronic Communication on Writing.” The Clearinghouse on Reading, English, and Communication, 188. December 2003. Accessed April 29 2008. http://reading. indiana.edu/ieo/digests/d188.html Two very old papers (in terms of the evolution of the internet), citing even older research as it discusses concerns about how use of the internet impacts students’ writing.
“’The Grid’ Could Soon Make the Internet Obsolete.” FOXNews.com. 7 April, 2008. Accessed 22 April, 2008. http://www.foxnews.com/story/ 0,2933,347212,00.html Article that I inadvertently stumbled upon that discusses where the Internet is going, or rather, where it isn’t.
Heingartner, Douglas. “The Grid: the Next-Gen Internet?” Wired. 8 March 2001. Accessed April 26, 2008. http://www.wired.com/science/discoveries /news/2001/03/42230 One of the only articles I could find on the Grid, and it’s very old, too. It’s interesting to me that it has taken seven years to build it.
“Internet Grammar Concerns.” Webopedia. 10 March 2006. Accessed 29 April 2008. http://www.webopedia.com/DidYouKnow/Internet/2002/InternetGrammar.asp Short entry outlining the proper ways to refer to the Internet and World Wide Web in writing. I had no idea there were any rules in this respect, so interesting bit of information.
“Kindle: Amazon’s New Wireless Reading Device.” Amazon.com. Accessed April 19, 2008. http://www.amazon.com Path: Kindle. Amazon’s listing for a new wireless device that will allow owners to download books and more wirelessly. According to the home page, Amazon has been having trouble keeping them stock.

None of the journals I searched provided any articles, except one story that I could only read one page of. I have been maintaining my own webpage for ten years, using Yahoo Groups, forums, and chat rooms for even longer, writing fanfiction for 8-9 years, and blogging for five years.

woohoo!

So i'm folding laundry, hanging up clothes, and discover my old Plugg jeans (which somehow made their way into my suitcase at Christmas, even though they haven't fit right in a long time). i decide, what the hey, i'll try them on and see how much longer it will be before i can wear them. They... fit... almost... perfectly!!! So i run into Megan's room, jumping up and down and cheering, and she looks at me like i'm crazy. i'm wearing a pair of pants that are just like brand new because i gained weight right after i bought them and they fit me better than when i bought them (i really wanted to buy a size larger, but they were out, and i loved them too much not to get them for $15 on sale). Well excuse me, Miss Size 0 when i was Miss Size 12, this is exciting for me. i'm still holding steady at 225, but i'm losing fat and gaining muscle apparently. Now i have something special to wear on my first date with Brad, cuz let's face it, i don't expect to be going to Outback or Macaroni Grill, let alone something fancier. i'm thinking Bowling, a movie, or Mini Golf and the Arcade, lol. Plugging on!

yawn

He woke me up, again, and we talked for two hours. i don't blame him, we miss each other when out of contact now, and our relationship is just moving out of the text mode to it's okay to call. We certainly had a lot to talk about apparently. Luckily i took a nap today and had already been asleep for two hours, but hopefully i can get to sleep again in a sec.

i've started walking every day again, and yesterday failed miserably at my attempt to drink more water. i just didn't feel thirsty, i had to force myself, and i still didn't get half a normal daily supply, while i have read that for my weight i need to double that. /sigh

Anyway, i'm a bit sore, the puppies (i'm going to have to start calling them dogs, soon) are getting better at walking and heeling (as opposed to running and yanking), and i am once again researching home births (unassisted childbirth specifically). i just e-mailed him four links that i had stumbled across, he's starting to come around. (:

interesting hospital birth info, followed by infant mortality rates in the U.S. (you'll be surprised)
Journey to Homebirth
Geography IQ - Ranking Infant Mortality Rate
CIA the World Factbook
c-section rates are higher than 1 out of 4 births in the U.S. ):
an article posted at MotheringDotCommune

Well i had my snack and drank some more water, now we have to see if i can get back to sleep... Oh, and for those of you who are wondering, his name is Brad.

church

i've now provided a link to the church that Megan and i are attending. There are mp3s of the sermons there, in case anyone is interested. The sermons are very good, one of the main draws of the church. It's the Community Bible Church of Savannah.

wow

i could put into words everything that i am feeling, but i don't want to. i want to hold them gently like a moth that might fly away if i scare it, like a glass orb that may shatter if i grip it too tightly. Things in my life are changing fast, and yet agonizingly slowly, and for once i don't feel like i am going to explode if i don't share it. i'm not ashamed, i'm just... i don't want to jinx it. It's too young, too fresh, and too early to know for sure, even though i feel as if i do know for sure... There's very few things i have been more sure of as i am of this. i am trying so hard to let go and just let things happen if they are meant to be. i did not expect this to happen, to finally meet someone who seems to be the other half of me. i feel as if everyone will tell me that i don't know, as if it's too soon, he's too young, i'm too damaged, i don't care. i want to be with him, and i think that he wants to be with me, and we mean forever. It is hard because we are apart, but i believe that God is making a way for us to be together.

So that's what's happening in my life. Wow, it's finally happening. Is it finally happening?

from Sociology Chapter 9 - Children and Parents

Q: What do Wilcox and Bartkowski mean when they say that there is a “conservative family paradox?” Be clear about how the realities of family life differ from the rhetoric about family life.

Wilcox and Bartkowski submit that Christians claim to support a conservative family (where the husband is the one in authority) when in all actuality both spouses are equal and interact like other “normal” American couples. They act like this is a huge revelation, that Christians are progressive while claiming not to be, but I think that it is all a case of mislabeling. Paul wrote in the Bible that men and women are equal, and Jesus had male and female disciples (there just weren’t any females among the top “twelve” who led the rest of the disciples). The way men and women interact didn’t stay this way, but to say that conservative Christian values are backward or abusive is just wrong, because one of the main leaders in the Christian movement when it was starting supported equality nearly two thousand years ago. It would be more accurate to say that Americans are following traditional Christian values today (which were very much against the societal norm when the New Testament was being written!) than to say they aren’t being conservative now. From a Christian viewpoint, the man does have the final say, but the woman’s opinion matters to him, and (like in our book) their authority is reciprocal and reinforcing each others’, while both individuals’ opinions and decisions are meant to be in submission to the authority of Jesus. To say that headship can be in existence without servant-leadership is ludicrous, because it was Jesus who is the head, He is God, He is King of all, but he submitted Himself to become a man and allowed Himself to be led to His death. To be a good leader one must sacrifice of himself (or herself), there is no more beautiful expression of love than that.

ok, i am utterly confused

Wade through this if you can, but i will summarize for you. Creationist interviewing people to find out their opinion is wrong? Okay, i will admit that this video has no scientific merit whatsoever, and that they are apparently skewing the truth and evidence. But I haven't been able to study the research of this video's creator, either. The thing that most confuses me is: "abiogenesis is not evolution." What??? First off, what is Abiogenesis?

"The now discredited theory that living organisms can arise spontaneously from inanimate matter; spontaneous generation." (courtesy of Dictionary.com)

"In the natural sciences, abiogenesis, the question of the origin of life, is the study of how life on Earth might have emerged from non-life." (from Wikipedia)

"Classical notions of abiogenesis, now more precisely known as spontaneous generation, held that complex, living organisms are generated by decaying organic substances, e.g. that mice spontaneously appear in stored grain or maggots spontaneously appear in meat." (from Wikipedia)

Okay, so i guess that we can all agree that the classical notion (now termed spontaneous generation) has been disproved... But how is that not evolution? Correct me if i'm wrong, but isn't the theory of how evolution began that 1. the universe was created by a big explosion of energy and matter that came from absolutely nowhere, and 2. billions of years later, single cell life just happened to have been created out of nothing? That was what i recall my high school biology textbook said, at any rate. More than that, the book said that it happened on its own.

Now, maybe some scientists are making organic matter from inorganic compounds in a laboratory, i don't really care, because you know what the proves? It proves that evolution would have to be guided by intelligence, not that it can happen on its own in a vacuum devoid of God.

Sociology again... /sigh

i hate my sociology book. i like the subject well enough, it's what draws me in a large part to science fiction, and is why i enjoy Heinlein (as well as because of his political themes). But unfortunately this book reads like a poorly written college report that has exploded into epic proportions of dullness.

Still, i can't help but think about what the content is saying to me as a writer and individual. i am not blind to the fact that the way i believe and choose to live is not the way that most people do now. Last week the chapter was on sexuality, this week it's cohabitation and marriage (as well as dating), and it just suddenly struck me... life is so hard. It has been and it continues to be. Our entire culture is focused on finding a companion to share one's life with, maybe have kids with, most movies, songs, books, feature this aspect of relationships and romance, maybe even inadvertently! It's always there, we can't stop it, it's part of us. Part of me wonders why people mess with relationships and babies when things are so messed up, but i think that we do it because they are messed up. i honestly don't think we can help ourselves, it's the way we are wired. Even God Himself pointed out that it is not good for man to be alone (when you think about it, He was saying that even He is not enough) and commanded us to be fruitful and multiply. i wonder if people realize during their dating and cohabitation and wild search for the love of their life that they are obeying God! Even if they are not following His definition of the proper way to go about finding a spouse, they are following His directive. It's kind of ironic.

Someday, i will have one of these...

i just stumbled upon this blog which features a stair case that is also a bookcase. What a dream come true, a way to conserve space that is so functional for the bookworm in me. Everyone has got to visit said blog and check out the pictures.

Incidentally, i accidentally rejected a comment today in which someone stated HAPPY ANNIVERSARY (the stinking links are right next to each other and there are little ones bouncing on me). Thanks for the comment, but i couldn't undo the rejection, lol.

On Fire / Dark Fire / Chronicles' Fifth Birthday

this blog is five years old!

It's hard to believe that i have been blogging (off and on) for five years. My life has come really far and yet not very far at all. Right now i'm in the process of trying to figure out what i want to do with my life... Do i want to continue going to college? Settle for a career? Give up on love, marriage, children (any or all)? Pursue my writing full-time? i'm still working through the answers but i've decided not to attend film school. i need to figure out how to support myself and pay off my debts. There are so many questions but so few answers. Like i said, i've come so far, and yet not at all.

leap year day

Today i am procrastinating. i know i shouldn't be, but i can't stop myself. i woke up around eight, which is just about right, as i finally got my sleep schedule regulated after weeks of insomnia. It's the day after Chubuncle's birthday, and it made me think of Chubaunt, because she's due in a week and a half but Chubuncle and his father were both born on February 28 on a leap year and wouldn't it be crazy if his baby was too? So i read Chubaunt's blog, which always makes me laugh and feel happy, and then went on to read I Remember..., which i haven't enjoyed in a very long time. i've read posts dated a year ago and still haven't gotten back to what i had read. What she writes is so engrossing that i don't want to stop reading it, to have lived such a full life that was full of life, and to still be living it, it blows me away. (Both of these blogs are linked to on the right.)

Lately i have been feeling a very strong sense of me, of peace that i am where i am supposed to be, and the sensation that something important is about to happen. You see, today i should be finding a procter for my upcoming English midterm, and doing the homework for State Government and Technical Writing that is due today (that i should have already done, truth be told, and then would not be so hard pressed to do it now), but i don't feel like doing those things. i feel like reading, and writing, and listening to music, and dancing, and being. i feel like continuing to be myself, a self that is more in touch with herself and who she is than she has ever been before. And yet i lack direction, i feel like i'm standing on the edge of the cliff but i don't know which direction to dive, and i have many different directions to choose from.

i have turned my back on film school now... should i stay at Mesa State or go to another college? Should i finish college at all or find a way to support myself now? If i am going to finally start my career, how will i support myself? My thoughts turn to freelance writing, but while i am at school i do not have the time for it. Could i support myself with my writing? Would it be important for me to get my degree? i want to fly now, why do i always have to wait??? i am so sick of waiting, and sacrificing, and denying myself. Can't i serve others by being myself? Is there no way for me to be happy and whole while also being able to support myself and contributing to society?

Why am i always at a crossroads no matter what choices i make? i strive so hard, and yet i never get anywhere. All the choices before me are always forward, never back, but they never get me to where i am going. i don't feel depressed in this space, just dissatisfied with the options that are before me, which are so few. i feel as if there is something that i'm missing, that i should have seen already, but i don't see it. At church on Sunday (the second church we went to... which is a story in itself) was the first time that i heard a pastor confirm in a sermon that sometimes the hard places, the darkness, the lows, are exactly where God wants us to be, are His perfect will. He talked about what i have been dealing with for eight years, the fact that the plan God has for us isn't always easy.

Last night i watched Lost and it was a Desmond flashback to when he was at boot camp. His mind was flashing back and forth between the two times, and if he could not find anything to anchor himself to the future then he would die. He had to find Penny in the past to get her phone number so he could call her on Christmas Eve eight years later. It struck me that eight years is such a long time to be separated from the one that you love. It made me think about what anchors me to the future, i have no person that i can see face to face, that i can talk to on the phone, or hold their hand and kiss them on the face. i have God. He is so silent, and yet i hear Him. i cannot hear Him, but i feel so often that i just know what He wants and is thinking even though i can't hear it and it is so beyond my comprehension. i wish i could see it in a dream or vision, but it is not as easy as that, i have to just take it on faith. i struggle to put this in words, but i cannot, and it is time for me to go. i have so much to say and yet no words to say it with. So i stand here on the edge and wonder: which way do i leap?

stuck in my head... re: on fire again

they tell you where you need to go ~ tell you when you need to leave ~ they tell you what you need to know ~ tell you who you need to be ~ but everything inside you knows there's more than what you’ve heard ~ there's so much more than empty conversations filled with empty words

and you’re on fire when He’s near you ~ you’re on fire when He speaks ~ you’re on fire burning at these mysteries

give me one more time around ~ give me one more chance to see ~ give me everything You are ~ give me one more chance to be near you ~ when everything inside me looks like everything i hate ~ You are the hope i have for change ~ You are the only chance i’ll take

i’m on fire when you’re near me ~ i’m on fire when you speak ~ and i’m on fire burning at these mysteries

i’m standing on the edge of me ~ i'm standing on the edge of everything i've never been before
~ On Fire by Switchfoot

Standard English (for Structure of the English Language)

English is a language that constantly adapts, adopting words from other languages, creating new words to meet the needs of its culture and times, but retaining its foundation to allow the reader to understand what was being said and written down hundreds of years ago. The collective dialect has changed over time, just as surely as it is different from region to region, but we are still connected to people in the past through our language.

Jones describes Standard English as “pronunciation” and argues that its adaptation comes from formal, informal, familial, and local influences (450). Knott’s definition for Standard English is even broader:

Standard English is that aggregate of forms, idioms, patterns, words, phrases, and usages, which has been in part inherited and adopted, and in large part devised, cultivated, and perfected, by the aggregate of the long succession of professional literary composers whose oral, manuscript, and printed work constitutes the body of English literature in the broadest sense. (83)

The words you hear, even the way they are pronounced, can be vastly different from region to region (even leaving out the differences between American and British speech), but we are all affected by broader influences which also unite us. Every one of us helps define Standard English, though not on our own. Our first influences are our family and the people we are surrounded with as a baby, for they are who we instinctually learn how to speak from. As we grow older we go to school and learn how to read, and our influences suddenly become vaster. Each one of us is taught by our teacher what formal English was, from our peers what informal English is, and are constantly redefining what English will become. If Knott had written today he might cite the influences of music, television/films, and magazines, but during his childhood the greatest influences were most likely the stories his grandparents told him, plays, and books.

I doubt that Knott could have even imagined YouTube or blogs in his wildest dreams (he was writing this when my grandfather was an infant). In the past new words and expressions were adopted and adapted by word of mouth, most likely changing quickly in a select peer group but more slowly in a larger region and the world. Today anyone can instantly self-publish themselves on a blog or podcast and be read or heard milliseconds later just as easily by someone who lives next door as someone on the other side of the planet. The news of election results and disasters once took days and weeks, if not months, to be reported on, then heard by word of mouth or read in a letter or newspaper, now we have instant access. On September 11th the entire world gave a collective gasp when they saw the Twin Towers collapse. When the next Election Day comes around, we will probably know who the new President of the United States is by the same night or next morning.

In today’s world it is more important than ever to be able to effectively communicate with others. If we all used the same words, but didn’t use punctuation, or tense, and generally we were taught is good grammar, then many people will be scratching their heads and some will most likely be offended. I predict that as technology and cultures continue to adapt and collide that Standard English will be more important than ever, will have to change drastically to meet other languages halfway, or will become a dead language itself. English may be the language of communication and free trade now, but that was because the British Empire spread the language throughout the world. In today’s world birth rates are on the decline in English speaking countries, while on the rise for Muslim people, and all of us are still vastly outnumbered by the Chinese people. As much as I love to speak, read, sing, and write in English, in today’s political environment one starts to wonder how long it will last.

Grey writes, “The only way we can understand our world is through language” (Does Thought Depend on Language?), but what would we become if our language changed? Will our children and their children speak English, and if they do speak another language will they think the same way we do? We don’t know the answers to these questions yet. Language separates us from other cultures, and they usually learn our language, but I wonder what will happen if the United States is overthrown, or evolves into something else, and English is no longer the unofficial national language, but is instead replaced with something else. We all instinctually know what Standard English is now, but if that day ever comes then all of these definitions will be thrown out the window. Instead of being part of our being and life the will become part of history. We cannot know the answers to these questions: not yet, at least, but no matter what happens we will continue to learn what Standard English was as we influence the English of tomorrow.



Annotated Bibliography

Barry, Anita K. English Grammar: Language as Human Behavior. 2nd. ed. New Jersey: Prentice Hall, 1997.
Our textbook and the beginning point of my research.

Buckhurst, Helen McM. “Some Recent Americanisms in Standard English.” American Speech, Dec. 25. 159-166. http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=ufh&AN=9942053&site=ehost-live
Discusses how some slang is forgotten yet some is adopted into the English language. The article is written from a British perspective and points out that Americans are usually more concise.

Grey, D.S. “Does Thought Depend on Language?” Language in Use. 2007. Cambridge, UK. 20 Feb. 2008. http://www.putlearningfirst.com/language/research/thought.html
---. “Endangered Languages.” Language in Use. 2007. Cambridge, UK. 20 Feb. 2008. http://www.putlearningfirst.com/language/04change/endangered.html
---. “The Notion of Correctness.” Language in Use. 2007. Cambridge, UK. 18 Feb. 2008. http://www.putlearningfirst.com/language/07crect/07crect.html
---. “The Standard English Dialect.” Language in Use. 2007. Cambridge, UK. 18 Feb. 2008. http://www.putlearningfirst.com/language/12dial/standard.html
The links that were in our checklist along with other articles available on the same site. Short, but sparks some interesting ideas.

Jones, Margaret E. “The Case for Standard English.” Quarterly Journal of Speech, Oct. 36. 449-456. 20 Feb. 2008. http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=ufh&AN=9225206&site=ehost-live
A college professor discusses Standard English and its relationship with dialect and education: this is especially influenced by the fact that her fellow professors are from various areas of the country and even abroad.

Knott, Thomas K. “Standard English and Incorrect English.” American Speech, Apr. 34. 83-90. 20 Feb. 2008. http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=ufh&AN=9989499&site=ehost-live
Examines Standard English in regard to mass education, new technology, population growth, and (then) current world events. This is interesting to read in contrast to the technology and war that we are currently experiencing.

update the color scheme

As you may have noticed, this blues are now a little more cheerful and bright. Yep, i bit the bullet and updated my template. I'm thinking about an image for the header... that's a feature now. Don't know what to use, though. I need to update my webpage, , some people were complaining about my beautiful blues being hard to read. Don't know why... (;

finally, my company profile is finished!

i have spent the past three weeks getting this paper written, and it was exhausting. This was my first paper written in the APA style, and the in-text citations are omitted to follow the examples he gave us to work off of. It's not really like the other company profiles were, it's still intellectual questions being answered (rather than technical ones), but i think it's a lot easier reading material than the uninspiring bunk that most employee manuals consist of. I will never be a technical writer no matter how hard i try... i don't have the heart to slaughter words by assigning them to boring, badly constructed, limiting non-fiction.

Google Goes Wireless: An Analysis

Abstract
Over the past twelve years Google Inc. has expanded from a research project to one of the world’s most successful online corporations. Part of Google’s philosophy is, “It’s best to do one thing really, really, well,” and “You don’t need to be at your desk to need an answer.” Google has already done upheld the first promise with searching the internet, and they continue to pursue perfecting the second statement as well. The company’s services have expanded to include blogging, shopping, getting directions, and watching videos: now Google wants to bring these services to your cell phone while making it cheaper for everyone.

Introduction
Google was formed by two guys who didn’t like each other very much when they met, but when they started working together on a college research project they found a way to renovate the internet. Google has continued to provide applications and tools to make using the internet more convenient, bringing the power of their search engine to cell phones. Some of their services are controversial, but all of them are useful when applied in the right way. Google has continued to change how the internet is used and make it more accessible and useful. They’ve protected the rights of those who use the internet and are working to come up with new technologies to protect the planet. Next Google hopes to change the cell phone industry, and not in the way that the experts expected.

Research Methods
In order to write an effective profile about Google, I performed the following research:
1. I researched Google’s background by reading articles in journals and magazines (found via online databases such as Business Source Premiere), blogs (written by financial and technological experts), and information from the Google website and its affiliates. I looked for books at the library about the company, but because this research and analysis is based on current events I found that they were outdated or inapplicable to Google’s newest developments.
2. I identified what Google has accomplished as a company:
~ Two students performed a research project for a college course and decided to try putting it into practice.
~ As a new company Google revolutionized online searching and, later, what tools are available to internet surfers.
~ Google is continuing to expand its focus and goals to meet the world’s rapidly changing needs (more specifically, the information and technology explosion of the past decade).
3. I researched three of the projects that Google is currently working on in hopes of creating a better world. The most helpful resources were the official website and blog, as well as technical/computer related magazine articles and blogs.



History
Google, like many companies, is always changing to meet the needs of its consumers, but they are always at the forefront of adapting new technology to better pursue this goal. The company’s roots are embedded in working together despite differences of opinion to create something better than what the world already has to work with. In January 1996, two students at Stanford University—Larry Page and Sergey Brin—began designing a new type of internet search engine for a class project. The search engines of the day searched pages based on how many times keywords were found on a page; Page’s system was based on a mathematic graph of what pages were linked to other pages. He realized that for a webpage to be linked to another one that someone has to type the url into the html code and that person is only going to link to pages that are helpful.

Adapting the technology of the day, he and Brin began the project BackRub, which mapped the internet through back links, and eventually decided to try to sell the technology as a new type of search engine. Using funding from a National Science Foundation grant, the partners built their servers using discounted personal computers that used a Linux platform. Page and Brin didn’t find anyone to buy their search engine (now nicknamed Google), but they did find someone to back it financially in 1998. They quickly outgrew their garage (10,000 hits a day in September 1998), as well as the the Palo Alto, California, office (500,000 hits a day in February 1999) and moved into their new corporate headquarter in June 1999.

By September 1999 Google was used for over 3 million searches a day and had moved out of Beta: the search engine quickly became a household name and exploded in popularity. Over the next few years Google added the ability to search on a wireless device, in other languages, and changed the way ads work on the internet. Unlike other search providers and homepages, Google isn’t overwhelmed by images and ads: everything is text based and streamlined for faster loading, and all the advertisements are related to your search. The company developed a search bar that’s built into your browser, and by the end of 2000 Google fielded 100 Million searches a day.

Since then Google has made it possible to search for images, shop mail-order catalogs online, and later to search for the best price online. They acquired Blogspot.com and YouTube, started a free e-mail service, began mapping Earth with satellite imagery, and provided an easy way to search for a business or address, then find out how to get there on a map. There is an official blog to keep up with all the changes that are around the corner and anyone can personalize the homepage to suit their own individual needs.

Discussion
Not everyone is thrilled with some of the services Google is providing on the internet: Manes claims: “Google's search results pages (but not the home page) included an item called ‘Web History.’ I quickly discovered that this meant Google was keeping track of my personal surfing -- not just my searching,” and laments:

Google has separate terms of service and privacy policies, plus bonus policies for individual services. These tend to be vague and puzzling -- except for the stern disclaimers by which Google basically denies responsibility for anything, as in the warning that “you use the Services at your own risk.”

My subsequent research led me to Google Web History, but I discovered that one must purposefully sign in to your account to activate the feature… you don’t automatically start using the feature, and the features are clearly outlined on the log in page. One could activate it if he weren’t paying attention, but that isn’t Google’s fault. Their privacy policy is easy to find and informs you how to opt out of the service.

The feature that Manes laments has been embraced by others, such as Chitu, who comments: “Of course, such a service would cause a big debate regarding privacy and trust, so it will be disabled by default.” He points out that the service is a logical evolution of programs such as Google Desktop, which, again, must be purposefully downloaded and has terms of service that are agreed to before one starts to use it. Manes might have felt more at ease had he realized that Google has a policy “to anonymize our server logs after 18 to 24 months” and in the past resisted (and overcame) a government subpoena “demanding disclosure of two full months’ worth of search queries that Google received from its users”… but maybe not.

Another common complaint is that Google Earth and Google Maps satellite images show too much detail. Supporters of these features notice that Google Earth helped the Air Force save lives after Hurricane Katrina by providing up to date mapping of the flooded areas, which helped their evacuation efforts. All of these concerns are valid, but are also balanced out with positive reasons for using the new technology and safeguards that allow the consumer to opt out of using the service whenever they choose.

Nearly everyone who uses the internet has now heard of Google, but not everyone knows that they use solar panels at their headquarters, are mapping air quality and emissions for the Environmental Protection Agency, and support building better hybrid cars and more energy efficient computers. The Google Foundation has committed more than $75 million in grants and investments that are dedicated to saving the planet using new environmentally-friendly technologies. They offer incentives to their employees for buying hybrid cars, and most of the products offered in their store are environmentally friendly, by using rechargeable batteries or making t-shirts out of bamboo.

Google is always looking towards the future, and one of the most publicized announcements of the past couple of months is an initiative to make cell phone platforms open source. The experts expected the company to be announcing the development of one G-Phone, but instead Android and the Open Handset Alliance are the beginning of how Google is hoping to improve the way people talk, browse the internet, listen to music, and play games on all cell phones. Google has always been supported and used open source applications and organizations such as Linux, Firefox, Apache, and MySQL, so this is a logical next step that is being widely praised. The Open Source Initiative describes open source as: “a development method for software that harnesses the power of distributed peer review and transparency of process. The promise of open source is better quality, higher reliability, more flexibility, lower cost, and an end to predatory vendor lock-in.” Translated for the less technological savvy, this means that anyone can read the code, comment on it, and revise it for their own use. This may seem like a pipe dream, but companies like Sprint/Nextel, T-Mobile, and Verizon are already part of the Open Handset Alliance, too. Everyone is hoping to make it easier and cheaper for everyone to use the internet on their cell phone, along with adapting the device to meet your needs. They aren’t hoping to market a single cell phone the way Apple did: they want to bring everyone’s ideas to everyone’s phone. Cell phone companies spend a lot of money for their engineers and programmers to design a phone that their consumers will buy. If the initiative succeeds everyone will save money and receive better services, both the corporations and the consumers.

Conclusion
Google enables people to search for anything on the web by keyword, which includes names, photos, places, news, journals, and personal history. Privacy is sacrificed, of course: for the browser as well as the browsed upon. Most people are concerned about their privacy being compromised, so they install anti-virus software and don’t click on a link that Google warns them may be dangerous. The risk of losing more privacy can is rewarded by better searches and web surfing, and of course no one has to use the service, it’s up to each individual. It does feel nice to know that technology is saving lives, but it’s also comforting to find that a company is willing to spend money to protect our privacy when a government official decides that he or she needs to be checking up no the internet usage of people in the U.S. and throughout the world.

Not everyone believes in global warming, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t also believe in finding better ways to consume the resources our planet has given us. Bamboo, rechargeable batteries, hybrid cars, and solar panels are all more expensive up front, but they save money in the long run… along with preserving nature. When one company adopts new policies that prove to be viable then it’s not uncommon for other companies to do so as well.

Cell phones used to be for talking to co-workers, family, and friend, but that was in the ‘90’s. The industry has exploded and cell phones are now used for taking photos, text messaging, browsing the internet, watching videos, and listening to music. If everyone has a cell phone then it makes sense for everyone to be able to pick what features will help them and save money.

When people look at Google today they may see a multi-million dollar corporation that may someday become a competitor to companies such as Microsoft. Others may use Google simply because they provide services that no one else does, or in new ways that are better than their competitors methods. A lot of people probably just use Google’s search engine because it’s reliable, and you can always find what you need to know within a matter of seconds. I personally find it inspiring that two college students managed to become successful because they took a class project to the next step and changed the way that people use the internet. I can’t wait to see what the people at Google come up with next.



References
About Us (2008). Retrieved February 4, 2008 from Google.org. http://www.google.org/about.html

Android (2008). Retrieved January 30, 2008 from Open Handset Alliance. http://www.openhandsetalliance.com/android_overview.html

Ante, S. (2007, December 4). Verizon Embraces Google’s Android. Retrieved February 5, 2008 from Business Week Online. http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=buh&AN=27740554&site=ehost-live

Chan, Jesse (2007, November 13). The Downfall of the Microsoft Empire. Retrieved February 5, 2008 from FishTrain. http://fishtrain.com/2007/11/13/the-downfall-of-the-microsoft-empire/

Chitu, Ionut Alex (2007, March 6). Web History, the Next Step in Personalized Search? Retrieved February 6, 2008 from Google Operating System. http://googlesystem.blogspot.com/2007/03/web-history-next-step-in.html

Corporate Information (2008). Our Philosophy. Retrieved January 31, 2008 from Google. http://www.google.com/corporate/tenthings.html

Environmental Protection Agency (2008, January). Google Adds Air Quality and Emissions Mapping. Retrieved February 14, 2008 from Civil Engineering. http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=buh&AN=28142927&site=ehost-live

Fleischer, Peter (2007, June 11). Retrieved February 14, 2008 from The Official Google Blog. http://googleblog.blogspot.com/2007/06/how-long-should-google-remember.html

Google Milestones (2007). Corporate Information. Retrieved January 31, 2008 from Google. http://www.google.com/intl/en/corporate/history.html

Gralla, Preston (2007, March 28). Freebies in Action: How Craigslist and Google Earth Save Lives. Retrieved February 14, 2008 from PC World. http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,130045-page,9-c,freeware/article.html

Hart, David (2004, August 17). On the Origins of Google. Retrieved February 5, 2008 from National Science Foundation - Discoveries. http://www.nsf.gov/discoveries/disc_summ.jsp?cntn_id=100660&org=NSF

Manes, Stephen (2007, December). Today’s Web: Use at Your Own Risk. Retrieved February 5, 2008 from PCWorld. http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=buh&AN=27460064&site=ehost-live

Open Source Initiative (2007). Retrieved February 6, 2008. http://www.opensource.org/

Web History (2008). Retrieved February 5, 2008 from Google. http://www.google.com/history/

Web History Privacy Notice (2007, February 22). Retrieved February 14, 2008 from Google. http://www.google.com/history/whprivacy.html

Wong, Nicole (2006, March 17). Judge Tells DoJ “No” on Search Queries. Retrieved February 14, 2008 from The Official Google Blog. http://googleblog.blogspot.com/2006/03/judge-tells-doj-no-on-search-queries.html

Wong, Nicole (2006, February 17). Response to the DoJ Motion. Retrieved February 14, 2008 from The Official Google Blog. http://googleblog.blogspot.com/2006/02/response-to-doj-motion.html

State Government - Assignment 4

Under what circumstances would you participate in protest activity? Are there any forms of protest that you would refuse to use? If so, why?

When I was growing up it seemed like everyone in my family was anti-protest and none of my peers would even consider being involved politically. In high school the only issue that I would have considered picketing against was abortion, but there wasn’t a clinic anywhere near our humble little town, so it wasn’t exactly practical. As I grew older and began to attend college my view of protests gradually changed. In history class we read about Martin Luther King, Jr. We talked about these issues in my American Government and English classes, as I recall, as well. I began to watch some more serious movie, and saw Roots, Malcolm X, Ghandi, and some other historical films. One of my history professors even gave a lecture once about what it was like for him to go to college during Vietnam.

Something that I was always aware of growing up is the fact that my great-grandfather had been a member of the KKK. I didn’t know many black kids growing up, in fact there was only one family in our town for a couple of years, and everyone else was Caucasian or Mexican-American or Native American, with the exception of one Asian family that ran the town’s Chinese food restaurant. I was in band with one girl from that African American family for a couple of weeks (before she quit), and she was always disrupting class, ignoring the teacher’s instructions, and there was one day that I got so mad that I called her the N-word. I’ve always regretted that, I don’t know if I ever saw her again, and I know I never told her I was sorry.

As a child I always felt stigmatized because the only time I knew of white people protesting was when they were holding on to segregation or anti-War, and neither of those takes on those issues have ever applied to me (my father served in Desert Storm and our family is very pro-military). I have gradually become more anti-War but would not protest the war in Iraq. I no longer support it, but at the time it began I did: when everyone just knew that they had nuclear weapons and Hussein was acting like Hitler, I supported it, but now I feel like the U.S. needs to just get out of everyone else’s business and worry about things at home. I believe in protecting our borders but at this point I’m content to let the world blow itself up as long as it doesn’t blow us up. Who are we to get involved in other countries’ issues?

I will not protest gay marriage. I doubt I will ever protest at an abortion clinics. I most definitely would never lynch anyone or burn anything on someone’s lawn. A sit down, that I would do, a march, almost definitely, but it feels like no one cares about anything to protest anymore. People march for different things now, like finding the cure for cancer, birth defects, etc. I used to be very interested politically and now I am just tired. I can think of no issue that I care about enough to protest. My biggest form of protest at the moment is going to be not voting Republican: I haven’t even changed my party affiliation yet.

I feel like the country that I grew up loving is falling apart and I don’t know how to fix it, what to protest, but it’s like the smell of death is hanging over my head. I cannot put this fear into words, I cannot yet give voice to it, but I feel it every time I turn on the news or read the newspaper. I wish that I knew how to protest this, I wish that I knew what I could do, but all I can come up with is joining a militia. That’s so extreme, so anti-peace, and I don’t want to do this. But I am no Ghandi and have no idea how to bring about change. I feel small and insignificant and cut off. My only form of protest is my blog, and I don’t even have the time or energy to devote to that, it just takes it out of me. I refuse to burn the flag and I refuse to blow things up, but I’m afraid that those forms of protest are coming anyway.

i want this t-shirt!

inner pirate

re: Sociology

i'm doing my homework. It's a lot of reading that isn't very in depth. It's easy to read, just not extremely informative. Last week i didn't have a book and managed to get 12 out of 20 questions right (i did read from the first chapter of an old edition and one of the articles as it had been printed in a book twenty years ago). Two things about this chapter have stuck out at me so far:

1) The book claims that hunter-gatherers was what families were until 10,000 years ago, when families suddenly started settling down and planting crops. This is the usual caveman bunk that has no verifiable basis in written history. So, the Bible claims that Adam and Eve settled down and started planting crops around 10,000 years ago. This was written about later, by Moses, but it's a story that was passed down by the family. However, this oral history that was later written down somehow holds less credence to the "experts" than their own unverifiable theories about pre-ancient history. Why is that? Why are they so quick to deny historical documents? Do they think Moses had this great idea, "Hey, I'll lie to everyone and see how many people believe me!"

2) According to the book a form of common law marriage was the norm from the early colonial days to the mid-1800s... That is to say, people said they were married (they didn't go to a church or courthouse, they just moved in together) and everyone accepted that they were married. If the man wanted to go west and was tired of his family he could leave her, find a new woman out west, and start a new family. The author compares this to present day cohabitation. This is vastly different from any concept of family that i have been taught in the past. People just decided they were married so everyone said they were? I'm not sure whether to be legalistic about it (how dare they not be married in a church!) or say good for them.... i mean, think about it, who performed the ceremony for Adam and Eve? Does a marriage have to be a ceremony or wedding, does it have to be witnessed? Don't let the million dollar wedding industry hear, or the u.s. government, but i've always felt that marriage was between a man, a woman, and God, period. But the church and the government always have to try to stick their fingers into our lives, don't they?

Yesterday i read a new term online--churchianity--which i believe begs some looking into. More on that later, back to the books for me.

the college student in me rejoices

Livescribe article
Livescribe video

When i take college classes on campus it's hard to write papers that refer to lectures because one simply cannot write down everything that a professor says. i can't even type fast enough to do it, and most professors (at least at MSC) frown upon students using laptops during their lectures. But now you can take notes while recording the lecture and later on be able to play it back from the pen you took notes with or your computer. This has got to be the best thing to happen for college students... if you fall asleep in class it won't matter because you'll be able to play it back later, lol. If you want to quote the teacher in your paper, you can, word for word. If i was taking Writing for Mass Communications (i journalism course through and through) this little pen could be a lifesaver (i might not have been so gung ho about dropping the course if i would have had one). Welcome to the future, it's the best present you could get your high school senior because they'll be ready for college in the fall. i'm way too excited.

5447 hits

That's how many times my webpage has been viewed in the past four years. That blows me away. And i really wish that i had more to say.

paralyzed, part ii

In less than a week it will be eight years....

Eight years since what, you might say, but if you have been reading, watching, observing, known me for any length of time, you probably already know, even if you couldn't have marked the date on your own. i'm going to be 26, and i feel so old, entering my late-20's. i know i'm young to so many others, but to me, when i look back at where i was, what i've done, who i've become, i feel old.

It's been eight years and i'm still paralyzed. i thought that night was freeing me, it was full of so much hope and promise, but instead it was plunging me into darkness. i used to be an optimist. Megan laughs at me, says that i was always a pessimist, but if that were so then i would not have made it the past twelve, thirteen, fourteen years. i would have committed suicide if i were a pessimist, but i held on to hope, as slight as it was. Now i feel as if i have no hope but i've come too far to change my mind, to change back to who i was, to undo what has been for what might have been.

i don't believe in killing myself, not that i think that i would go to Hell for it, but i couldn't look God in the face: i would die all over again for the shame of it, letting Him down like that for my own selfish reasons. As much as i am angry at Him i still fear Him, respect Him, love Him. i don't know how to hold on, keep going, rise above, but if i were to give up in such a final, fallible way, then i would cease to be.

We small creatures are caught in a black hole of nowness, of the sensation that the world will end if our lives are sad, or hard, or even happy, and easy. We think that death is the end. It is only the beginning. It blows the mind when one realizes how infinite the universe is, how it never ends, and never begins. i sit back and wonder how it can exist at all. God created everything, infinitely large, with one word, out of nothing, out of void, and yet He was in the void and knew. It is one of many contradictions that define Him. At that moment time began, before that there was no reason to mark it, and now time will always be marked but will someday lose all meaning. We feel the clock ticking now, but one day the clock will mean nothing.

For death will not be the end.

We will live forever and ever, whether in Heaven or Hell.

The weight of that staggers me. My mind will never stop reasoning, feeling, learning, wondering. My body will die but my new one will never fail me, even after millenia of millenia. Will we get tired of always being, way up there? Will we forget our old, lost life, or be able to relive it over and over again? Now i wonder what it would be like to be thin, to be able to see perfectly, to be blind, to be deaf, to be able to fly, will that matter at all in Heaven?

i can't go to my happy place anymore. i know, it's stupid, so Happy Gilmore, but it's important to me. The thing of it is, i usually went to my happy place when i was in church, or at class, during a particularly boring sermon or lecture. i would stare out the window, or at the ceiling, or close my eyes, and imagine myself twirling on grass, singing, walking on a beach, enraptured. That is too far away now. Now when i try to go it is tainted with what ifs, and dreams that are beyond my reach. Everything is beyond my reach. So many dreams but no talent or time or strength to accomplish them. Trying to go to my happy place makes me feel even more lonely and unhappy than i already do.

i cannot imagine being in my happy place, being in Heaven. i can imagine myself bowing before God, laying my crowns at His feet, bathing Jesus' feet with my tears and wiping them dry with my hair, flying through air, swimming through water without running out of breath, flying through space.... But those things, however true they may be, are too far away for me now. How i am ever going to get from tonight to tomorrow to next week to next year is beyond me. And it is all i have been doing for the last eight years, for hope long ago failed me. i am still a fool, and i still hold on, but i do not yet know what will be.

i wrote twenty-one months ago:

The trick to not feeling absolutely crushed is focusing on God. It's difficult to do this when i cannot see, hear, or feel Him, but i remember Him, i know Him. He loves me; i have faith that He's allowing all of this to happen to me so i can become a better person, so He can be glorified in my life, so He can use me in the way He chooses. It doesn't matter what i want, it matters what He wants.

It's so hard to hold onto that, to make sure that i hold all of that hope in my mind. Having hope is a struggle to me now. It blows me away that He trusts me enough to leave me in this place for over seven years when i feel lik i don't even have the strength to get through each day.

I'm not perfect, i'm making a fool of myself. I try so hard, but i end up trying to ignore all my hopes, dreams, and spiritual pursuits just so i can get through a day with a positive attitude. I constantly feel paralyzed, like even if i try to lift myself up off the ground it's an exercise in futility. i don't like who i am becoming, i don't see how this is glorifying Him, and it makes me impatient and angry and selfish. All i want is to serve Him and that just gets stripped away.

It's hard for me to write about this: i don't want anyone to know about the mask i still end up wearing despite my best efforts, i don't want to hurt anyone, i don't want anyone to know how weak i am when i have fought so very hard.

i read more of the things i have written here, and realize, my words are my art, and they help me even now. i am so much farther into the darkness than i was even then. My sentiments are the same, only multiplied who know how many times.

Why am i stuck here? Why can't i move on? Why doesn't my life get better when i have strained, and sweat, and cried, and bled so much??? i am still a little girl, hiding in the dark. On Grey's Anatomy tonight they said that "Fear is good, it lets you know that you still have something to lose." Does that mean that not everything is lost yet? Because i am afraid that it is lost, that i will never recover from this, that i will always be the little girl huddled alone in the dark. i want to be J.K. Rowling, Katherine Heigl, David Beckham, and i know that sounds ridiculous, but please bear with me.

David saw Victoria/Posh on tv and says: "Who is that? I'm going to marry her." Katie says that everything in her life is happening so fast that it's overwhelming, that there's so much good that it's hard to take in. Jo went through a divorce, was on welfare, and wrote the book that wouldn't do well, that wouldn't sell, and is now one of the richest people on the planet. i don't want money, or fame, just to be rich and famous; i want to be overwhelmingly happy, to be giving away my money, to be telling the world what God wants me to say and have people actually listen to me--to Him--because i'm famous.

In real life everyone ignores me, and they don't even realize it. i'll be excited about something, sharing it, and no one listens, no one cares, it goes in one ear and out the other. i'll need help, advice, have help, advice, to give, but they don't pay attention, they don't help, they don't take my help and screw themselves over in the process. i'm a nice person, but i'm not going to force you to listen to me, take my help, stop looking like an idiot. People tell me i'm too loud, then why is that so much of the time i'm inwardly screaming at the top of my lungs and outworldy whispering "Why won't anyone listen??? Did i just stutter? Should i have yelled out loud instead of talking in a normal tone? Should i have sweared, or insulted, or pulled your hair, or punched you, would that have made a difference???"

i know that there are some people who read what i write, but i still feel like i'm in a vacuum, a void. i hope you, the reader, get something out of my words, because so often i feel as if they are fruitless...

...but i have to write them.

i feel compelled to write.

i have to write.

But what do i have to say?

i've already said it.



Will i always be here, huddled in the dark? Will i ever truly fall in love? Will anyone ever fall in love with me? i have looked at men, said to myself, "He's the one," and he never was. How can a person move on when they are caged in the dark? How can they be loved when they are so ugly inside? On the outside? No matter how beautiful i am, will i always be the "fat girl"? Will i always be the girl with the lisp? Will i always be the socially backwards outsider that doesn't know how to connect with other human beings and feels miserable and hates herself for it?

i hate being sick and tired and alone and worthless. i want to be healthy, and alive, and beautiful, and loved, and a really useful woman (lol with tears streaming down my face). i'm afraid that i'll always be alone, that i'll never have children, and i know i'm not ready. i don't want my imzadi to see me like this. My hope is in God, not in a man, or a child, anyone but the Christ-child, the Messiah, the Redeemer, the Lover of my soul.

My wound is laid bare again. That is the way it should be. It hurts to breathe not because of my congestion or sore throat, but because of my need for Him. i will always need Him, i cannot stop needing Him, and that is why i wait, not because i have the strength, or wisdom, or faith, but because i have the weakness, the doubt, and the fear. i will always be His little girl.

It is four days until my anniversary. i cannot go on, i do not know His will anymore, if i was ever right, or if i have always been wrong, but i will still wait for Him, even if it takes another eight years. Do not be proud of me for that, i have done nothing at all... but give up.

stuck in my head... and heart

the storm is coming but i don't mind ~ people are dying; i close my blinds ~ all that i know is i'm breathing now

i want to change the world instead i sleep ~ i want to believe in more than you and me

but all that i know is i'm breathing ~ all i can do is keep breathing ~ all we can do is keep breathing ~ now
~ Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson



there are no guarantees in life ~ not for the present nor for the future ~ all i know is that i'm here ~ don't know for how long ~ i love the way you live so intensely ~ enjoy every minute of life ~ with space to swing your arms around ~ laughing loudly

unlike me ~ unlike me ~ do you think i'm strange ~ unlike you ~ unlike you ~ i am not pretending ~ there is no time ~ there is no time ~ there is no time ~ time doesn't really exist

the past, the present, and the future ~ are all side by side, hand in hand ~ you move and change yet you go nowhere ~ everything stays the same (the same) ~ you stare at me and ask me questions ~ makes me nervous (mm) ~ this room it keeps a constant tone ~ while i'm on a roller coaster

unlike me ~ unlike me ~ do you think i'm strange ~ unlike you ~ unlike you ~ i am not pretending ~ there is no time ~ there is no time ~ there is no time ~ time doesn't really exist

i dream ~ more life ~ i dream ~ more ~ time
~ Unlike Me by Kate Havnevik



i climbed up a mountain and looked off the edge ~ at all of the lies that i never have led ~ is one where i stayed with you across the sea ~ i wonder do you still think of me ~ i carry your image always in my head ~ folded and yellowed and torn at the edge ~ and i've look upon it for so many years ~ slowly i am losing your face

oh the ocean rolls us away ~ away ~ away ~ the ocean rolls us away

sixes and sevens we live on jet planes ~ so many faces i don't know the names ~ so many friends now and none of them mine ~ forgotten as soon as we meet ~ all of these moments are lost in time ~ but you're caught on my head like a thorn on a vine ~ to forever don't mend me and i wonder why ~ do i wish that i'd never known you at all

oh the ocean rolls us away ~ away ~ away ~ the ocean rolls us away

the sun and the moon of an ocean of air ~ so many voices and nothing is there ~ but the ghost of you asking me why ~ why did i leave

oh the ocean rolls us away ~ away ~ away ~ the ocean rolls us away

and i lose your hand through the waves
~ The Ocean by the Bravery



take a look at my body ~ look at my hands ~ there's so much here that i don't understand ~ your face saving promises ~ whispered like prayers ~ i don't need them

cuz i've been treated so wrong ~ i've been treated so long ~ as if i'm becoming untouchable

well contempt loves the silence ~ it thrives in the dark ~ the fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart ~ they say that promises sweeten the blow ~ but i don't need them ~ no i don't need them

i've been treated so wrong ~ i've been treated so long ~ as if i'm becoming untouchable ~ i'm a slow dying flower ~ i'm the frost killing hour ~ sweet turning sour and untouchable

oh i need the darkness ~ the sweetness ~ the sadness ~ the weakness ~ oo i need this ~ i need a lullabye ~ a kiss goodnight ~ angel sweet love of my life ~ oh i need this

i'm a slow dying flower ~ frost killing hour ~ the sweet turning sour and untouchable

do you remember the way that you touched me before ~ all the trembling sweetness i loved and adored ~ your face saving promises whispered like prayers ~ i don't need them

i need the darkness ~ the sweetness ~ the sadness ~ the weakness ~ oo i need this ~ i need a lullaby ~ a kiss goodnight ~ angel sweet love of my life ~ oh i need this ~ well is it dark enough ~ can you see me ~ do you want me ~ can you reach me ~ or i'm leaving ~ you better shut your mouth ~ and hold your breath ~ you kiss me now ~ you catch your death ~ oh i mean this ~ oh i need this
~ My Skin by Natalie Merchant



we'll do it all ~ everything ~ on our own ~ we don't need ~ anything ~ or anyone

if i lay here ~ if i just lay here ~ would you lie with me and just forget the world

i don't quite know ~ how to say ~ how i feel ~ those three words ~ are said too much ~ they're not enough

if i lay here ~ if i just lay here ~ would you lie with me and just forget the world ~ forget what we're told ~ before we get too old ~ show me a garden that's bursting into life

let's waste time ~ chasing cars ~ around our heads ~ i need your grace ~ to remind me ~ to find my own

if i lay here ~ if i just lay here ~ would you lie with me and just forget the world ~ forget what we're told ~ before we get too old ~ show me a garden that's bursting into life

all that i am ~ all that i ever was ~ is here in your perfect eyes ~ they're all I can see ~ i don't know where ~confused about how as well ~ just know that these things will never change for us at all

if i lay here ~ if i just lay here ~ would you lie with me and just forget the world
~ Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol



2 AM and she calls me cuz i'm still awake ~ "Can you help me unravel my latest mistake? ~ I don't love him ~ winter just wasn't my season" ~ yeah we walk through the doors so accusing their eyes ~ like they have any right at all to criticize ~ hypocrites you're all here for the very same reason

cuz you can't jump the track we're like cars on a cable ~ and life's like an hourglass glued to the table ~ no one can find the rewind button girl ~ so cradle your head in your hands

and breathe ~ just breathe ~ oh breathe ~ just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss ~ just the day he sat down to the flask in his fist ~ ain't been sober since maybe October of last year ~ here in town you can tell he's been down for a while ~ but, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles ~ wanna hold him ~ maybe i'll just sing about it

cuz you can't jump the track we're like cars on a cable ~ and life's like an hourglass glued to the table ~ no one can find the rewind button boys ~ so cradle your head in your hands

and breathe ~ just breathe ~ oh breathe ~ just breathe

there's a light at each end of this tunnel ~ you shout cuz you're just as far in as you'll ever be out ~ and these mistakes you've made ~ you'll just make them again ~
if you only try turning around

2 AM and i'm still awake writing a song ~ if i get it all down on paper ~ it's no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to ~ and i feel like i'm naked in front of the crowd ~ cuz these words are my diary screaming out loud ~ and i know that you'll use them however you want to

but you can't jump the track ~ we're like cars on a cable ~ and life's like an hourglass glued to the table ~ no one can find the rewind button now ~ sing it if you understand

and breathe ~ just breathe ~ oh breathe ~ just breathe
~ Breathe (2 AM) by Anna Nalick



i'm on my knees ~ only memories ~ are left for me to hold ~ don't know how ~ but i'll get by ~ slowly pull myself together

(oh) i'll get through this (oh)

there's no escape ~ so keep me safe ~ this feels so unreal

nothing comes easily ~ fill this empty space ~ nothing is like it seems ~ turn my grief to grace

i feel the cold ~ loneliness unfold ~ like from another world ~ come what may ~ i won't fade away ~ but i know i might change

nothing comes easily ~ fill this empty space ~ nothing is like it seems ~ turn my grief to grace

nothing comes easily ~ where do i begin? ~ nothing can bring me peace ~ i've lost everything ~ i just want to feel your embrace

i love you
~ Grace by Kate Havnevik

Happy Thanksgiving!

Yesterday i missed the bus and walked six miles to work. i wouldn't want to have to do it again, i got a blister, and it wasn't really that bad, but i was so tired at the end of the day. Not really sore, just exhausted, kind of like the feeling you have when you get out of the pool after swimming laps, like your body is just too heavy all of a sudden and it takes a bit just to get used to walking. Coming back down to earth after being in zero-g must be something like that, only a hundred or million times worse. i actually fell asleep at a somewhat reasonable hour, at 12:30 am, and slept for eleven hours straight. i was that tired.

Today i weighed myself and i'm the same, holding steady at 30 pounds lost. Which isn't a bad thing, i would rather stay here than gain some, but i know that it's because i've been drinking more soda again and not been as careful about what i'm eating. i've had chips for the second time since i've moved here, and we're being less careful about what we buy when grocery shopping. Right now i'm trying to drink more water, that will be the next step, and hopefully i'll be losing more weight soon.

Today i'm applying for a job working for a TV Guide channel reality show. You can see the ad on Craigslist. i don't know what the schedule is like but i don't see how i can turn it down. If i get the job and it conflicts with Megan's work i'll help pay for the babysitting or something, but i think it would be a great opportunity for me. Interviews are next week, and the correspondence i have so far has been promising.

Megan's acting like we can't go to CO for Christmas now, maybe if i get this job we'll be able to make it, i really want to go. It would help if she worked more often, but that's difficult with the way i'm scheduled at Hancock Fabrics. Not to mention that this job is driving me into the ground. i really don't know how i get through each day, though the music on my iPod helps.

empty

It has been very difficult for me not to feel worthless and/or unappreciated lately. Megan has been really oversensitive and accusing, my boss has been demanding and for the most part ignores my efforts at work. i have had insomnia for weeks, am still exhausted at the end of every work day, and i have at moments resented others' lack of understanding or caring that i am giving so much and getting so little in return.A few days ago i was sobbing over the dishwater, abhorring the fact that i was acting like my Grandma and feeling the part of the martyr while simultaneously wondering why my life is always like this and why it's been so long since i've cried.

i'm going through several incoherent things all at once. i wish that i could do more, that i was more helpful and stronger. At the same time i feel put upon. i've given up on my dreams again to be here. i know that to the outside world that i always look like i'm just living off my relatives, but what no one ever seems to realize is that i receive little benefit from such arrangements, that i participate in them because i'm trying to have a servant's heart or because i have no other choice. No one looks out for me. My wants and needs fall to the wayside, are ignored because there is little if anything i can do to pursue them, and even trying to is depressing in itself and much more trouble than it's worth. i am not in control of my life, i gave it up a long time ago: it's been about eight years since i gave God full rein to do what He would and said i would trust Him to guide me, provide for me, use me. It is still hard to trust Him, to have faith, but i cannot take control back when i never really had it in the first place.

Throughout all of this i am trying to tell myself that i am really useful, gifted, needed, wanted, when deep down inside i never feel that those things are true. i recently read that if someone gives you a complement that you should never disagree with the person because to do so is to say that you don't trust his/her judgement and is therefore insulting. i always disagree with compliments because i never think that anyone can or should think anything good of me. i'm not a good singer. My writing is nowhere near as good as i'd like it to be and all my stories come from God or something i'm working through in my life. i'm fat. i'm alone.

i'm always alone. Satan always tells me that i'm worthless, and i always believe Him. i tell myself that i'm humbling myself before God. i tell myself that my father has never approved of anything i've ever done in an attempt to find his approval. The only men that say good things about me, encouraging things, are already married and so very unavailable. Not one single man has ever shown the slightest bit of interest in dating me, loving me, marrying me. i am so alone, living out one of my worst fears. Even if i lose weight, started dressing more sexy, wore makeup every day, did my hair every morning, would it matter? What good is it to change who you are in order to attract a man when all you want is to be loved unconditionally for who you are?

So i lie alone in the dark every night unable to sleep, sexually and emotionally frustrated, spiritually bereft. i try to write poems, stories, draw, nothing changes the dark truth or makes it easier to bear. Why would any man want to be with a needy, desperate, depressed girl like me? Oh what i would give to be a stay-at-home wife and mother, to never have to worry ever again about a career, paying bills, supporting myself, and being unhappy for the rest of my life.

i ignore all of this most of the time. i live with it because i must, because it is who i am and i don't know how to change, despite my best efforts. i say that i am not depressed but i don't really know that. i can live for months while ignoring how i truly feel deep inside. i have tried living without a mask but i know this only scares people away. i see little reason to be happy, when i can't support myself, where all of the things i hoped to achieve in my life have never been within my grasp, even attempted. Did i make the wrong choice when i didn't expect my parents to support my dreams when i was fourteen, so i never even brought it up? When i never stepped out in faith and moved to LA no matter what the cost? i've felt like an adult for so long, but even as an adult i am forced to play the part of a child so very often.

God has been silent for nearly eight years. i am nearly twenty-six and i can't believe it. i'm burning, burning, not for any one man, just so empty and unfulfilled inside. i know i should look to God for fulfillment but a husband is meant to represent His love for the Church, or is that backwards? All that i know is that i am in danger of falling into despair and hopelessness that is too deep for rescue. i don't want to give up, i don't want to fail God, but i truly do not know how to go on, how to keep serving Him, how to not give up on all His promises forever. i don't know how to wait for Him, for a husband that may not exist, to be at peace with where my life is. i don't know how to be alone and yet that's all i've ever been. i cannot see Him, hear Him, feel Him, touch Him, taste Him, what good is my faith? It isn't enough, i will surely fail him, and i do not have a Gollum to save me.

i have no friends. i have no social life. i don't know how to let people in, they always hurt me when i try. i want to write about love, life, hope, and i have no business doing so. i have no experience, i have no knowledge, all i have is theories that for all i know are completely wrong and off base. What am i doing???

i don't know how to go on, but i am way beyond such labels. i have felt this way before, not knowing how to get out of bed in the morning and face the world, go to class, go to work, be half of a human being and seem normal. It does not matter what i can or cannot do, for i ran out of tries, of ability, of strength, long ago. What does it matter if i try or give up? i am worthless, remember? It is all out of my hands. i trust God like a fool and huddle in the dark. My spiritual life is so much more real than my physical one, but Satan cannot truly touch me, only mock me with half-truths that betray his fear. Still, i am afraid. i don't know how to do what God is asking of me. i don't know how to get through the night, let alone the next day, week, month, year. i always marvel at the passing of time because i don't know how i have withstood its darkness or retained even a sliver of faith. But just when i think i'm done i decide to keep trying anyway. Like i said, i'm such a fool. Oh well.

searching for a new job

Sooooooooo... the boss cut my (and everyone else's, so she said) hours this week, didn't post the schedule on Friday so i had to call in for it over the weekend, then she's rude to me over the phone because i'm taking her away from her customers (i guess she is actually working on the floor this week, go figure), and i still don't know my entire schedule today, just that i'm supposed to come in at four. She told me she wanted to give me more hours, i said no, Megan's gotta work, she still gives me screwy hours and Megan can't work. So as soon as may be i'm getting a new job and saying goodbye to the two-faced woman. Am i actually on her bad side now? i don't know why i would be, i work my butt off for her and she's the one who's trying to revise the terms i was hired under. :rolls eyes:

So i've been looking on Craigslist but nothing legit seems to be forthcoming on the work at home market. i've applied one place and the rest seem to be scams. i don't really care to work in retail and last i checked the tv stations still weren't hiring so i'm hoping this one job pulls through for me (hello prospective employer if you're reading this!). Otherwise i don't know what i'm going to do for sure. i've considered sticking it out through Christmas break and quitting then, but i really don't want to stick it out that long. Of course i may have to: have to work, right? Got so many bills.

On another note i think i'm going to go to Mesa State online next semester, four courses r the minimum for full time, and internet courses are supposed to be super easy. i hope so cuz i need my gpa to come back up. Otherwise i will have to start paying off my student loans and i really don't have a way to do that short of enlisting. (: That's what Andrew wants me to do, but i'd still have to lose another 70-80 pounds. Gotta aim for something, but i don't know if this is the choice for me.

Creative juices have been flowing at the wrong times and are thus stifled and lost. Stress doesn't help. But i've been taking lots of photos of puppies! and wishing i had a better digital camera (like that's in the budget!). Gotta finish getting ready for work now. ): At least it's a short shift.

silence is weird

i really feel like i have no time to do anything when i work for eight hours a day. Work is always very consuming and exhausting. This is obvious when you've lost twenty-five plus pounds and you're on your feet the entire time you're at work. But i'm trying to improve myself, because as much as i originally liked my job i now dislike it. i love working with fellow WoW player K. but manager L. is just a pain in my rear. i can't stand people who say one thing and do another and expect one person to work hard, follow the rules, while not even caring when her pets don't do the same thing. i work hard to make sure our customers are satisfied and the store looks presentable but a lot of fellow employees could care less. They seem to make work harder for others on purpose. Plus L. says that my blue jeans look too "comfortable" while letting her supervisor T. wear ratty sweats, flipflops, and other dress code unworthy fare. Oh, and a lot of my pants don't fit anymore, some of them actually physically falling off me if i'm not careful, which i suppose is a nice problem to have, but i don't have the money to buy replacements at present. So suffice to say that i'm still working but am looking for a better job. i hate complaining so much but i hate it more that my complaints are so valid, otherwise i wouldn't make them to begin with.

On another note, i have posted a personal ad at craigslist (very hesitant but sort of desperate, isn't that great to admit) and have already received three replies (if you can call them that). i'm not looking for freak and deek, but really don't know how to meet a local guy. Everyone who comes into work is already involved with a girl (that's probably why he's there, he's with her) or is gay. i have not met one single guy at church. i have no extracuricular activities, no prospects, and am going out of my skull. After the roller coaster infatuation of earlier this the year and inexplicable development of attraction to an entirely different coworker later on, i desperately want a new relationship. Have i talked about this here? It was too fresh before.

i had the worst crush on one of the unmarried meteorologists at KJ. i was beside myself, i could not deal, he reminded me so much of Grandad and i was desperate with what ifs and hope when he turned out to be dating and utterly unavailable. It took me a long time to get over him, and then i started developing an appreciation for a certain flirtatious and humerous morning producer but he didn't seem interested so nothing happened. And then i moved away.

i'm so sick of meeting guys, getting interested, all for naught. i love my sister but i don't want her to be the only person i know in Savannah. Maybe i should figure out a better way to meet guys, but i don't know what to do. Anyways, i know i'm psychotic, but it sure would be nice to find someone to at least hang out with. At least at KJ i felt like i had a social life. (: