'Dark have been my dreams of late...'

i feel empty
a void
dead
and i don't know what to do

i believe that i have been called in Jesus' name
i don't really know how to be humble but i have tried and prayed for help, for the power to be so
i have prayed and sought and alas i have not found
i do not know what ways i have that are wicked because God has not shown them to me (though i have asked Him to)
i know that He can hear me but still i find myself doubting
i know he can heal me and this land but i have lost faith and repeatedly ask myself... will He?

I wish i was more like Klaus than Violet (in the movie version of a Series of Unfortunate Events). I know that nothing happens by chance, that there's always a reason, but i've lost faith in the "there's always a way" part. I wish that i had the strength to keep fighting instead of giving into the dark. I don't know how to fight anymore, i don't know how to seek. I cling to verses like II Chronicles 7:14, Proverbs 3:5-6, Isaiah 40:31, Jeremiah 29:11-14, Luke 11:10, but they don't come true. Satan is telling me lies, i know he is, but unfortunately i'm starting to believe him because his voice is louder than God's.

I don't want to be like this. I want to be free. I want to be happy, and whole, and full of hope and joy. But i don't know how to lie to myself like that: i'm not happy or whole and i don't have hope or joy. I am already living a lie, hiding the truth from the world around me, and 'day by day i suffer.' There is no 'strength left in the world of men' and i have given up looking for it in God because He does not answer.

I feel so ashamed that i have given up. I don't know how to pray anymore, i don't know what to say. I feel as if i have said it all before, as if i have prayed it a million times or more to no avail. I know He hears me, why doesn't He answer? I know He's here with me, why doesn't He touch me, comfort me, speak with me? I would love to hear even chastisement from Him.

And i know i'm whining, i know i'm being weak and selfish, and i know that it sounds like i'm wallowing in grief and acting like a baby but it's not true. I ignore Him and i ignore the dark. I ignore the pain and i act like everything is fine and i feel dead inside. I feel as if i am slowly dying more and more day by day.

In less than two weeks i will finally begin acting again and it doesn't matter at all. Acting will not stop the pain or make my life better again. All i need is Him; without Him i have no hope. What good are dreams if He will not provide a way for them to come true? What good is testing if He does not provide the strength or way to bear it? I am not strong enough on my own; i need Him more than words can express.

My sister and i watched Twelve Monkeys tonight which is probably why this is all finally coming out again. Cole (Bruce Willis) goes back in time against his will to try to change things that he knows can't be changed and he's right in the end. The horror of that is so evident and tangible. Despite his best efforts nothing is changed: he sees himself die and you know that for that cute little boy it is only going to happen again some unknown number of years down the road.

I don't know what to do to escape my own reality that feels like insanity. I'm a fool in the eyes of the world if i trust God and i'm a fool in the eyes of God if i don't. I just end up feeling foolish either way. I'm frozen, afraid, clueless, and hitting myself for being a fool and not trusting God while simultaneously feeling like i should be cussing Him out for what He's put me through. I feel like i can't change anything. God knows i've prayed and to me it seems there have simply been no results.

So what do i do? I've given up, i don't know what else to do. I've left it in God's hands, but not really because i trust Him anymore but because there's nothing else i can do. The truth is that i'm just as terrified of Him now as i ever was of any demons that might visit me in the dark. And i still feel stupid because i feel like i should be doing something more than just sitting/lying/huddling here, in this dark cold cage, waitinng for something to happen. I hate waiting, but i've gotten even more tired of desperately trying yet having no results to show for it. Even if i do try to do something it's hopeless: i am nothing without Him, i am incapable without Him, i am lost without Him.

So i wait (what else can i do?) and i wish i could still weep and pray and i see people all around me who have hope or not a care in the world and feel so angry at them. How can they be so lucky? How can they be so fake? The world isn't really like that, it's dark and empty and hopeless. There is no hope without Him. So i struggle to hide the ugliness that is me yet fight to display the reality of me that is truly but a lie yet the only truth i know.

I don't like to sleep because i am afraid of the dark, of what my dreams might hold, and because my days are always empty before and after sleep comes. I am wasting away before my very eyes and losing the fight. I wish the Sun would come out.

ChiMas Hols (a.k.a. Christmas Holiday) ~ NSU post #26

Here i am in rainy Monterey, CA, vegging out and helping my sister prepare for her move to CO. Who am i kidding? I'm mostly just vegging out. But she will be moving next week and will be staying with me for several months in my tiny trailer. We haven't done anything like this in several years; fortunately we're getting on pretty well (at least it seems that way to me). (:

No, i must admit that i haven't gotten much done over the holidays. They were very hectic over Christmas with all the relatives etc. and i just feel the need to recharge and do nothing after the strain and stress of finals. Hopefully i'll still have time to write for fun next semester.