catalysts for this year's resolutions

Ben Stein wrote an awesome pro-Christmas piece that is especially appropriate considering the school shooting and firefighter baiting that comprised Christmas 2012. He quotes Anne Graham, who once pointed out that God has been kicked out of schools, government, etc.

Read a Gun Owner's A Little Gun History (which demonstrated how, historically, banning guns enslaves citizens) and retweeted The Living Hell of Socialism (a piece on what East Germany was like behind the wall).

Multiple news stories about Hobby Lobby going to court over being forced to pay for employees' chemical abortions.  The most recent (currently down) reveals that the Supreme Court can't be bothered to waive the fine temporarily.

Pins such as those found in my new Anti-Crop Collection.

new year's resolutions 2013

Since the end of October and the election that screams "voter fraud" and "voter box hacking" there has been a lot that i've wanted to say.  Unfortunately i work two jobs and it takes a migraine to get me to rest.  I survived Christmas but my thoughts never made it from my brain to a computer screen through my fingers until now.

There is something rotten in the state of the United States of America.  I have been living with hope that things would change in 2013, but now i know that the fight has only just begun.  Something needs to change, and part of that something is me.  I've been hiding and waiting as much as possible, licking my wounds and biding my time.  I've been doing it for fourteen years and it's time for it to stop.  It doesn't matter if i ever feel the Holy Spirit again, what does matter is if i fail to serve Him.  I'm not a journalist, i have a bias, and i am tired of being silent.  So my first resolution for 2013 is to write more.  I am struggling when trying to write fiction, i don't know if i can ever recover what i lost during the time i had Bell's Palsy.  But i will persevere and maybe someday the words will reconnect with their definitions and i can reach my creative urges outside of the dreamscape.  In the meantime i hope to blog with new purpose and stand for truth even if it is too late to make a difference.

Two of my causes are not really my own.  Right now it looks like freedom of education and freedom of medical choice are in jeopardy.  I'm still considering becoming a doula...or even a midwife.  Even if i never get married or have children i still think that a woman's reproductive rights are important.  The way i see it, there are forces in the world that are doing everything they can to make it easier to get rid of "unwanted" children and harder to have wanted children.  Furthermore, this election's results, whether they are legitimate or not, are very much a result of the mainstream media's failure to report important things and government schools' success in brainwashing America's children.  My life is always going to be dedicated to strengthening education and birth rights.  To both of these ends we need to make stronger families.  I'm not a wife but i am part of a large family that's hurting right now.  I don't know what i can do but i will be praying if nothing else.

This year i am going to take the plunge and go back to being barefoot.  As a child i was barefoot as much as possible.  Summers in Arizona i would go barefoot more than you might imagine, goatheads being more painful than hot asphalt to be honest.  My feet are starting to get stronger even as they are starting to show the effects of being stuffed in shoes for far too long.  Right now i am reading The Barefoot Book by Daniel Howell, Ph.D., and i highly recommend it.  So in 2013 i am going to continue to wear Vibrams, flipflops, and Sanuks as much as possible...but i am considering going so far as going barefoot in public someday.  It is perfectly legal, it might surprise you to know.  My feet aren't ready for that yet, but they are stronger than they used to be.  Right now i will continue to strengthen my toes and lengthen my achilles tendons.  Hopefully there's also a way for me to strengthen my arches.

For the first time ever i intend to plant a garden.  It will have to be in containers because the land here is horrible for growing anything edible, salty high desert.  I might kill more than i harvest but i'm going to try to grow things.  I'm also going to try to shop for organics and non-GMO items more often.  And become more educated about food in general.

Lastly, i intend to arm myself and take a conceal carry course even if i cannot obtain a permit.  I was taught how to shoot from a young age and have always been afraid of guns.  I want to conquer that fear in order to defend myself and my family.  At one time i wanted to serve in the military, but that was never possible because of my weight.  I still want to hone the skills my father gave me and acquire new ones.

There are, or course, other things that i want to accomplish this year, but these are the main ones.  I still dream of learning how to play the drums or a stringed instrument, for example.  And another triathlon, a better job, are also goals that i am pursuing as much as personally possible.  I have recently lost some weight, amazingly enough, but am also trying to embrace my more to love beauty more than ever before.

I hope all of my readers (whomever you may be) had a happy Christmas season and will be even more blessed in the new year.

my New Year's resolutions for 2009

i don't usually do New Year's resolutions. My general mentality is that if something in your life is worth changing, there's no point in holding off for the new year to come around. However, this year, i am ever increasingly mindful of the fact that i am still single and the big 30 is just around the corner. i know, i'm only 27, and i have three years left, but what if i'm never married? Am i always going to be waiting to try things after i'm married? Is everything important going to be forever delegated to the realm of "once i get my own place"? i don't know if i will ever be able to afford my own home, not when i have dead end jobs now and student loans to pay after i graduate (hopefully in May 2010). i can't keep waiting for my life to begin, yet that's all i have been doing for as long as i can remember. It's time for something to change, to get to my goal #15 at 43 Things - stop procrastinating and get organized!. So, in this vein, i actually have some New Year's resolutions to make.

1 - get rid of clutter and get organized

i know this will not be cheap, to get storage in the form of Rubbermaids or baskets, but it needs to be done. Cardboard boxes that are falling apart are cluttering up my walkways; they aren't pleasant to look at or trip over. i have too much stuff, i want to simplify, and working at a place like Hobby Lobby it has become painfully obvious to me how much money people spend on junk that they really don't need. Sure, sometimes the junk is pretty (sometimes it's soooo not), but it's still not necessary. i live in a really small space, i don't need to fill it with things that i don't need anymore, and i don't want my space to be a mess.

2 - live conscientiously

Okay, part of my problem with fulfilling resolution #1 is where am i going to find the time? In a couple of weeks i'll be going to school full time, and i may have a part time job at the same time. i'm not even sure i can handle that workload, let alone feel like i have a life or have time for relaxation. The trouble is that when i get home i am exhausted and want nothing more than to fall into bed and play WoW or watch a tv show/movie, etc. There's not necessarily anything wrong with those things, but it contributes to my mess when all i do is toss stuff down anywhere. When clothes come out of the dryer, i need to fold them and put them away immediately. When i drop something, i need to pick it up. Everything needs to have a place and i need to put it there so i can find it, not lose it or damage it. So no more letting things slide because i'm tired (/sigh).

But there's other aspects to this goal, as well. i'm going to be talking about them a lot in this blog. For one thing, i'm sick of just following everyone else and not thinking through my actions. Do i really need to be bringing home/using plastic bags? Should i be drinking water out of little plastic bottles? i want to start conserving and Re-Using, and there's no point in putting it off any longer.

3 - live healthy... and hopefully lose weight

i.e. ban high fructose corn syrup from my diet (this means Coca-Cola, among other things) and cut back my portions and intake of unhealthy foods (such as those that are fatty, fried, and meat, which i eat entirely too much of ). For the past couple of weeks i've been eating fast food nearly every time i go to work, gradually gaining back the ten pounds i lost when running three times a week this fall. i need to lose weight, perhaps not to get a perfect body, but to at least get below 200 pounds. But even if i don't see results--ever--i still need to keep running, keep moving, keep making smart choices for my body. It would be easy to just give up, keep drinking Coke every day of my life, but i'm not going to do that. Just because i feel like a failure when it comes to my body doesn't make i can give up.

4 - conquer my brown/black thumb and replace it with a green one

Growing my own food is something i've been wanting to try for a couple of years and would be healthier than always buying from the grocery store. i'm not sure i can compost here, because my dad feeds everything to the chickens and goats, but that is a goal that i have for the future.

i guess that's all i can think of right now, but this is all a work in progress. i'm sooo tired right now, i have many ideas floating around my head and even crammed in the back of my brain, but this is my beginning. Lets see where it goes from here....

paralyzed, part ii

In less than a week it will be eight years....

Eight years since what, you might say, but if you have been reading, watching, observing, known me for any length of time, you probably already know, even if you couldn't have marked the date on your own. i'm going to be 26, and i feel so old, entering my late-20's. i know i'm young to so many others, but to me, when i look back at where i was, what i've done, who i've become, i feel old.

It's been eight years and i'm still paralyzed. i thought that night was freeing me, it was full of so much hope and promise, but instead it was plunging me into darkness. i used to be an optimist. Megan laughs at me, says that i was always a pessimist, but if that were so then i would not have made it the past twelve, thirteen, fourteen years. i would have committed suicide if i were a pessimist, but i held on to hope, as slight as it was. Now i feel as if i have no hope but i've come too far to change my mind, to change back to who i was, to undo what has been for what might have been.

i don't believe in killing myself, not that i think that i would go to Hell for it, but i couldn't look God in the face: i would die all over again for the shame of it, letting Him down like that for my own selfish reasons. As much as i am angry at Him i still fear Him, respect Him, love Him. i don't know how to hold on, keep going, rise above, but if i were to give up in such a final, fallible way, then i would cease to be.

We small creatures are caught in a black hole of nowness, of the sensation that the world will end if our lives are sad, or hard, or even happy, and easy. We think that death is the end. It is only the beginning. It blows the mind when one realizes how infinite the universe is, how it never ends, and never begins. i sit back and wonder how it can exist at all. God created everything, infinitely large, with one word, out of nothing, out of void, and yet He was in the void and knew. It is one of many contradictions that define Him. At that moment time began, before that there was no reason to mark it, and now time will always be marked but will someday lose all meaning. We feel the clock ticking now, but one day the clock will mean nothing.

For death will not be the end.

We will live forever and ever, whether in Heaven or Hell.

The weight of that staggers me. My mind will never stop reasoning, feeling, learning, wondering. My body will die but my new one will never fail me, even after millenia of millenia. Will we get tired of always being, way up there? Will we forget our old, lost life, or be able to relive it over and over again? Now i wonder what it would be like to be thin, to be able to see perfectly, to be blind, to be deaf, to be able to fly, will that matter at all in Heaven?

i can't go to my happy place anymore. i know, it's stupid, so Happy Gilmore, but it's important to me. The thing of it is, i usually went to my happy place when i was in church, or at class, during a particularly boring sermon or lecture. i would stare out the window, or at the ceiling, or close my eyes, and imagine myself twirling on grass, singing, walking on a beach, enraptured. That is too far away now. Now when i try to go it is tainted with what ifs, and dreams that are beyond my reach. Everything is beyond my reach. So many dreams but no talent or time or strength to accomplish them. Trying to go to my happy place makes me feel even more lonely and unhappy than i already do.

i cannot imagine being in my happy place, being in Heaven. i can imagine myself bowing before God, laying my crowns at His feet, bathing Jesus' feet with my tears and wiping them dry with my hair, flying through air, swimming through water without running out of breath, flying through space.... But those things, however true they may be, are too far away for me now. How i am ever going to get from tonight to tomorrow to next week to next year is beyond me. And it is all i have been doing for the last eight years, for hope long ago failed me. i am still a fool, and i still hold on, but i do not yet know what will be.

i wrote twenty-one months ago:

The trick to not feeling absolutely crushed is focusing on God. It's difficult to do this when i cannot see, hear, or feel Him, but i remember Him, i know Him. He loves me; i have faith that He's allowing all of this to happen to me so i can become a better person, so He can be glorified in my life, so He can use me in the way He chooses. It doesn't matter what i want, it matters what He wants.

It's so hard to hold onto that, to make sure that i hold all of that hope in my mind. Having hope is a struggle to me now. It blows me away that He trusts me enough to leave me in this place for over seven years when i feel lik i don't even have the strength to get through each day.

I'm not perfect, i'm making a fool of myself. I try so hard, but i end up trying to ignore all my hopes, dreams, and spiritual pursuits just so i can get through a day with a positive attitude. I constantly feel paralyzed, like even if i try to lift myself up off the ground it's an exercise in futility. i don't like who i am becoming, i don't see how this is glorifying Him, and it makes me impatient and angry and selfish. All i want is to serve Him and that just gets stripped away.

It's hard for me to write about this: i don't want anyone to know about the mask i still end up wearing despite my best efforts, i don't want to hurt anyone, i don't want anyone to know how weak i am when i have fought so very hard.

i read more of the things i have written here, and realize, my words are my art, and they help me even now. i am so much farther into the darkness than i was even then. My sentiments are the same, only multiplied who know how many times.

Why am i stuck here? Why can't i move on? Why doesn't my life get better when i have strained, and sweat, and cried, and bled so much??? i am still a little girl, hiding in the dark. On Grey's Anatomy tonight they said that "Fear is good, it lets you know that you still have something to lose." Does that mean that not everything is lost yet? Because i am afraid that it is lost, that i will never recover from this, that i will always be the little girl huddled alone in the dark. i want to be J.K. Rowling, Katherine Heigl, David Beckham, and i know that sounds ridiculous, but please bear with me.

David saw Victoria/Posh on tv and says: "Who is that? I'm going to marry her." Katie says that everything in her life is happening so fast that it's overwhelming, that there's so much good that it's hard to take in. Jo went through a divorce, was on welfare, and wrote the book that wouldn't do well, that wouldn't sell, and is now one of the richest people on the planet. i don't want money, or fame, just to be rich and famous; i want to be overwhelmingly happy, to be giving away my money, to be telling the world what God wants me to say and have people actually listen to me--to Him--because i'm famous.

In real life everyone ignores me, and they don't even realize it. i'll be excited about something, sharing it, and no one listens, no one cares, it goes in one ear and out the other. i'll need help, advice, have help, advice, to give, but they don't pay attention, they don't help, they don't take my help and screw themselves over in the process. i'm a nice person, but i'm not going to force you to listen to me, take my help, stop looking like an idiot. People tell me i'm too loud, then why is that so much of the time i'm inwardly screaming at the top of my lungs and outworldy whispering "Why won't anyone listen??? Did i just stutter? Should i have yelled out loud instead of talking in a normal tone? Should i have sweared, or insulted, or pulled your hair, or punched you, would that have made a difference???"

i know that there are some people who read what i write, but i still feel like i'm in a vacuum, a void. i hope you, the reader, get something out of my words, because so often i feel as if they are fruitless...

...but i have to write them.

i feel compelled to write.

i have to write.

But what do i have to say?

i've already said it.



Will i always be here, huddled in the dark? Will i ever truly fall in love? Will anyone ever fall in love with me? i have looked at men, said to myself, "He's the one," and he never was. How can a person move on when they are caged in the dark? How can they be loved when they are so ugly inside? On the outside? No matter how beautiful i am, will i always be the "fat girl"? Will i always be the girl with the lisp? Will i always be the socially backwards outsider that doesn't know how to connect with other human beings and feels miserable and hates herself for it?

i hate being sick and tired and alone and worthless. i want to be healthy, and alive, and beautiful, and loved, and a really useful woman (lol with tears streaming down my face). i'm afraid that i'll always be alone, that i'll never have children, and i know i'm not ready. i don't want my imzadi to see me like this. My hope is in God, not in a man, or a child, anyone but the Christ-child, the Messiah, the Redeemer, the Lover of my soul.

My wound is laid bare again. That is the way it should be. It hurts to breathe not because of my congestion or sore throat, but because of my need for Him. i will always need Him, i cannot stop needing Him, and that is why i wait, not because i have the strength, or wisdom, or faith, but because i have the weakness, the doubt, and the fear. i will always be His little girl.

It is four days until my anniversary. i cannot go on, i do not know His will anymore, if i was ever right, or if i have always been wrong, but i will still wait for Him, even if it takes another eight years. Do not be proud of me for that, i have done nothing at all... but give up.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Yesterday i missed the bus and walked six miles to work. i wouldn't want to have to do it again, i got a blister, and it wasn't really that bad, but i was so tired at the end of the day. Not really sore, just exhausted, kind of like the feeling you have when you get out of the pool after swimming laps, like your body is just too heavy all of a sudden and it takes a bit just to get used to walking. Coming back down to earth after being in zero-g must be something like that, only a hundred or million times worse. i actually fell asleep at a somewhat reasonable hour, at 12:30 am, and slept for eleven hours straight. i was that tired.

Today i weighed myself and i'm the same, holding steady at 30 pounds lost. Which isn't a bad thing, i would rather stay here than gain some, but i know that it's because i've been drinking more soda again and not been as careful about what i'm eating. i've had chips for the second time since i've moved here, and we're being less careful about what we buy when grocery shopping. Right now i'm trying to drink more water, that will be the next step, and hopefully i'll be losing more weight soon.

Today i'm applying for a job working for a TV Guide channel reality show. You can see the ad on Craigslist. i don't know what the schedule is like but i don't see how i can turn it down. If i get the job and it conflicts with Megan's work i'll help pay for the babysitting or something, but i think it would be a great opportunity for me. Interviews are next week, and the correspondence i have so far has been promising.

Megan's acting like we can't go to CO for Christmas now, maybe if i get this job we'll be able to make it, i really want to go. It would help if she worked more often, but that's difficult with the way i'm scheduled at Hancock Fabrics. Not to mention that this job is driving me into the ground. i really don't know how i get through each day, though the music on my iPod helps.

searching for a new job

Sooooooooo... the boss cut my (and everyone else's, so she said) hours this week, didn't post the schedule on Friday so i had to call in for it over the weekend, then she's rude to me over the phone because i'm taking her away from her customers (i guess she is actually working on the floor this week, go figure), and i still don't know my entire schedule today, just that i'm supposed to come in at four. She told me she wanted to give me more hours, i said no, Megan's gotta work, she still gives me screwy hours and Megan can't work. So as soon as may be i'm getting a new job and saying goodbye to the two-faced woman. Am i actually on her bad side now? i don't know why i would be, i work my butt off for her and she's the one who's trying to revise the terms i was hired under. :rolls eyes:

So i've been looking on Craigslist but nothing legit seems to be forthcoming on the work at home market. i've applied one place and the rest seem to be scams. i don't really care to work in retail and last i checked the tv stations still weren't hiring so i'm hoping this one job pulls through for me (hello prospective employer if you're reading this!). Otherwise i don't know what i'm going to do for sure. i've considered sticking it out through Christmas break and quitting then, but i really don't want to stick it out that long. Of course i may have to: have to work, right? Got so many bills.

On another note i think i'm going to go to Mesa State online next semester, four courses r the minimum for full time, and internet courses are supposed to be super easy. i hope so cuz i need my gpa to come back up. Otherwise i will have to start paying off my student loans and i really don't have a way to do that short of enlisting. (: That's what Andrew wants me to do, but i'd still have to lose another 70-80 pounds. Gotta aim for something, but i don't know if this is the choice for me.

Creative juices have been flowing at the wrong times and are thus stifled and lost. Stress doesn't help. But i've been taking lots of photos of puppies! and wishing i had a better digital camera (like that's in the budget!). Gotta finish getting ready for work now. ): At least it's a short shift.

hurrah

So i just thought some people might like to know that i have lost twenty-five pounds since i moved to Savannah. i've started wearing my blue jeans again, something that i haven't been able to do in months. It's a really nice feeling. Maybe at Christmas i'll be able to get some of my old clothes out of storage and start wearing them again. It's been so long since i've lost any weight that it's pretty unbelievable. i am so sore all the time from standing on my feet so much at work! But hopefully it will be worth it in the long run. (:

ChiMas Hols (a.k.a. Christmas Holiday) ~ NSU post #26

Here i am in rainy Monterey, CA, vegging out and helping my sister prepare for her move to CO. Who am i kidding? I'm mostly just vegging out. But she will be moving next week and will be staying with me for several months in my tiny trailer. We haven't done anything like this in several years; fortunately we're getting on pretty well (at least it seems that way to me). (:

No, i must admit that i haven't gotten much done over the holidays. They were very hectic over Christmas with all the relatives etc. and i just feel the need to recharge and do nothing after the strain and stress of finals. Hopefully i'll still have time to write for fun next semester.

Yeah, i know i haven't been writing much again. I just get tired of having nothing to write about but complaints. I feel like such a whiner sometimes: i've said/written/prayed it all a million times (i'm aware of my hyperbole but it really feels that way). I don't think that there's anything wrong with feeling what i feel but i really need to stop being negative and start having hope again. The trouble is i don't know how to. So i stumble through prayers and remain silent here.

Am i really on fire anymore or even an ember? I just don't know. I've tried really hard, but even my sparks haven't caught on and so i'm just spent. I don't know what else to do. I've given up. I can't feel anymore, and that's really scary to me. I'm not even in the holiday spirit yet really and that's just unheard of for me because i love Christmas... It's my favorite holiday. I'm always begging for Christmas music way before Thanksgiving.

I was working really hard on Lumos Nox for a while, actually getting somewhere, and then i suddenly stopped and i don't really know why.

So often it feels as if the entire universe is against me. I don't like feeling this way. I don't like being a pessimist. I don't like being so busy and so emptied that i have no art left in me to give. Inspiration and idea smolders for lack of expression. My one solace has been a knitting project (someone's Christmas present): i've been trying to find a Harry Potter fanfic (one of the first i ever read) but despite my best efforts all i've found is junk. Christmas vacation and my six year anniversary looms before me but will i actually get anything done? I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to smolder. I want to be a dark fire. I don't know what to do.

my absence ~ NSU post #24

I didn't mean to take a break from blogging but i guess i ended up doing so. I've been really busy getting ready for finals. I guess i felt that the free time i had should be spent doing something besides ranting. (; Maybe during the Christmas break i'll have time to write more.

It is such a relief to me that Kerry didn't get elected as President of the United States of America. I think that the biggest reason i haven't mentioned the election results is because i got so burnt out on the political stuff. I got tired of the mud slinging and lies and really don't want to bequeath Kerry with much attention now that he lost. I'm recharging for my next campaign on this blog, too.

Below is one of the papers i wrote for my Mass Media class. We had to write a movie critique over Thanksgiving break. It was the first movie i had been to (in the theater) since the Village and Bourne Supremacy and i think it's about time for another review so "there you go" (to quote a spelling guru who was in a computer game my sis and i used to play). I have meant to review more films but as i said, i always feel pressed for time and as such forget it for more "important" things (that are very pressing in RL). Hopefully i'll do better next year.

Btw, Alias is returning with a two-hour event in January but will now be on Wednesdays. I am so relieved that Charlie (Dominic Monaghan) didn't die last night on Lost. I'm looking forward to the repeat of the pilot next Wednesday as i didn't see it due to VCR misprogramming (it was brand new and i hadn't read the manual! How was i to know that i had to push the T-Set button?).

Guess that's about it for now. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year (just in case i don't have a chance to say it later)!