Yeah, i know i haven't been writing much again. I just get tired of having nothing to write about but complaints. I feel like such a whiner sometimes: i've said/written/prayed it all a million times (i'm aware of my hyperbole but it really feels that way). I don't think that there's anything wrong with feeling what i feel but i really need to stop being negative and start having hope again. The trouble is i don't know how to. So i stumble through prayers and remain silent here.

Am i really on fire anymore or even an ember? I just don't know. I've tried really hard, but even my sparks haven't caught on and so i'm just spent. I don't know what else to do. I've given up. I can't feel anymore, and that's really scary to me. I'm not even in the holiday spirit yet really and that's just unheard of for me because i love Christmas... It's my favorite holiday. I'm always begging for Christmas music way before Thanksgiving.

I was working really hard on Lumos Nox for a while, actually getting somewhere, and then i suddenly stopped and i don't really know why.

So often it feels as if the entire universe is against me. I don't like feeling this way. I don't like being a pessimist. I don't like being so busy and so emptied that i have no art left in me to give. Inspiration and idea smolders for lack of expression. My one solace has been a knitting project (someone's Christmas present): i've been trying to find a Harry Potter fanfic (one of the first i ever read) but despite my best efforts all i've found is junk. Christmas vacation and my six year anniversary looms before me but will i actually get anything done? I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to smolder. I want to be a dark fire. I don't know what to do.