Exactly ten years ago i posted on my first blog for the first time. Since that day this blog has changed names and appearances more than once. Since that time i have earned my GED, gone to college, fallen in love, nearly gotten married, broken it off, had multiple jobs, completed a triathlon, and graduated from college. I have read books, lived to the beat of various types of music, and been inspired by quotes both witty and profound. Presidents have been elected and re-elected, shows have been brilliant and ran their course or been brilliant and cancelled, and i have reached my third decade. I am no longer a girl. I am training for my second triathlon and looking for ways to improve my life. So an odd decade has ended, a new one is beginning, and this blog shall be no more after ~750 posts (some entries have been deleted, others never posted).
Assuming that you are still interested in reading about little old me...you can read about my further wanderings at my new blog KristiNike. Thank you for reading.
Showing posts with label admin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label admin. Show all posts
Sunday, March 03, 2013
Saturday, July 09, 2011
Athena
As readers may have noticed, i changed my blog's title for the first time in a year and a half. I used to change the title of this blog more often. As i recall, it started out as Dark Fire...which was quite a while ago.
The purpose of this blog changed quite a bit the last time i changed the title. I had been blogging about personal things mostly, and sometimes political, but after the change it mostly became an exercise log with personal stuff thrown in. These days i keep a lot of my personal rants under lockdown at my LiveJournal and only allow friends to read about them. My super personal messages i am gradually posting over there and deleting over here in an attempt to recover privacy. Not that any of you probably read any of those posts anyway! I was really openly depressed most often when i first started this blog.
I am actually surprised how measured the posts of the past year and a half have been. So yesterday and today i have been wading through the triathlon and running posts. I'm not going to be using MapMyTri anymore (you basically have to use an app now) but i do hope to continue logging workouts here. I really need to start writing more for EH4R again. And because i'm teaching two knitting classes this fall, i'll most likely be blogging at BTL more in the near future, as well. Now if i could only find a "real" job. I applied at Michaels to teach knitting classes, but they apparently can't be bothered to get in touch with me. So who knows what i'll be doing in the months to come.
ETA: "Why Athena?" you may be asking. This is to focus on the fact that i am an obese triathlete. Even if i were to lose all the weight (which i hope i am capable of achieving, but at the same time doubt) i would still be considered an Athena (when i was lifeguarding in high school and in great shape i weighed 160). So i will always be an Athena even if i never compete under that category and/or choose to compete against my AG (age group). In addition, Athena was considered to be the goddess of wisdom, weaving (which i suppose would make her the patron of knitting, as well), and she's meant to be an unwearying warrior virgin. Yeah, i could do with being more like that.
The purpose of this blog changed quite a bit the last time i changed the title. I had been blogging about personal things mostly, and sometimes political, but after the change it mostly became an exercise log with personal stuff thrown in. These days i keep a lot of my personal rants under lockdown at my LiveJournal and only allow friends to read about them. My super personal messages i am gradually posting over there and deleting over here in an attempt to recover privacy. Not that any of you probably read any of those posts anyway! I was really openly depressed most often when i first started this blog.
I am actually surprised how measured the posts of the past year and a half have been. So yesterday and today i have been wading through the triathlon and running posts. I'm not going to be using MapMyTri anymore (you basically have to use an app now) but i do hope to continue logging workouts here. I really need to start writing more for EH4R again. And because i'm teaching two knitting classes this fall, i'll most likely be blogging at BTL more in the near future, as well. Now if i could only find a "real" job. I applied at Michaels to teach knitting classes, but they apparently can't be bothered to get in touch with me. So who knows what i'll be doing in the months to come.
ETA: "Why Athena?" you may be asking. This is to focus on the fact that i am an obese triathlete. Even if i were to lose all the weight (which i hope i am capable of achieving, but at the same time doubt) i would still be considered an Athena (when i was lifeguarding in high school and in great shape i weighed 160). So i will always be an Athena even if i never compete under that category and/or choose to compete against my AG (age group). In addition, Athena was considered to be the goddess of wisdom, weaving (which i suppose would make her the patron of knitting, as well), and she's meant to be an unwearying warrior virgin. Yeah, i could do with being more like that.
Friday, February 13, 2009
new name for the blog
Yes, i'm borrowing a phrase from Wordsworth, as well as using a word that i learned from Shelley. It seemed like it was time for a change, and i am breathing poetry at school right now. (:
Thursday, December 11, 2008
wow lol
The computer lab is really empty compared to on Tuesday when i was writing my paper on Hamlet.
i just tinkered with my schedule for the spring, and i'm a lot happier with what i got now. i dropped the required "Introduction to Literary Theory and Criticism" to take the prereq "Introduction to Creative Writing" with the teacher i took "Children's Literature" with this semester (both Lit. Theory and Creative Writing are required for my major, but i really need to get CW out of the way so i can take my other creative writing courses and i would rather take another class with this teacher than have it as a night course as was on my former schedule). i picked up "British Romanticism" as my fourth class, it will fulfill a requirement for "Later Literature" (Shakespeare fulfills the requirement for "Early Literature"), hopefully i enjoy that. So basically, as i recall, i'm going to need:
Anyways, i'm going to post some stuff that i meant to do weeks ago, that i never had the time or got around to commenting on the way i wanted to so i didn't publish it. Enjoy.
i just tinkered with my schedule for the spring, and i'm a lot happier with what i got now. i dropped the required "Introduction to Literary Theory and Criticism" to take the prereq "Introduction to Creative Writing" with the teacher i took "Children's Literature" with this semester (both Lit. Theory and Creative Writing are required for my major, but i really need to get CW out of the way so i can take my other creative writing courses and i would rather take another class with this teacher than have it as a night course as was on my former schedule). i picked up "British Romanticism" as my fourth class, it will fulfill a requirement for "Later Literature" (Shakespeare fulfills the requirement for "Early Literature"), hopefully i enjoy that. So basically, as i recall, i'm going to need:
History of Literary Criticism same class as above, ENGL 421and two writing courses: i'll probably choose
Senior Seminar in Literature
Roots of Modern Rhetoric
Seminar in Writing
Creative Writing: Fictioni might need a couple more electives, but i think i'm done. My biggest worry is pulling my gpa back up, but i think that this semester will help with that simply because i retook two courses that i flunked out of while attempting to work full time at KJCT and go to school full time (which so doesn't work). In fact, the teacher i originally took Brit Lit from is who i'm going to be taking Brit. Romance from (i wonder if she'll remember me), i really hated to stop attending that class but i simply could not stay awake. If all else fails i'll retake some of the other classes that i failed / withdrew from. i don't need them after all, but i do need a higher gpa as i get into my upper lvl courses. Hopefully i don't need to do that, because i'd really like to be able to finish my degree in a year.
Creative Writing: Character and Narrative
Anyways, i'm going to post some stuff that i meant to do weeks ago, that i never had the time or got around to commenting on the way i wanted to so i didn't publish it. Enjoy.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Cto5k W4, D2
i needed to return a dvd and a couple of books to the library today (i really should have returned them yesterday, truth be told), so i decided to go to the college gym again. Truth be told, i love the weather outside right now, but i feel as if i get a much better workout on the elliptical trainer (more burn, less impact and chance for injury) and i really want to make it a habit of lifting weights. In addition, winter is fast approaching, as we have already had unseasonably cool weather and our first freeze of the season weeks earlier than usual (i knew we were going to have an early winter, and so far this is proving to be the case).
Today i used a newer machine, the same brand as what i was used to, but i didn't get the settings quite right. i had more of an incline than i should of and less resistance than i should have. i was also very energetic today, i got my heart rate up during the walking period and kept it up the entire time, even higher than my last workout, truth be told, but once again was not out of breath at any time. My body can do this, easily, even when i feel it afterwards, and my lung capacity has improved so much that i'm very happy with how things are going. Plus the scale that's only a couple of years old at they gym is telling me that i'm losing weight, four pounds so far this week, whereas the decades old scale at the church is not telling me this at all... i'll see how it compares when i weigh in tomorrow.
So for all intents and purposes, i believe it is safe to say that i was running during my warm up today, so i'm not sure quite how long i ran, but i definitely am not having any trouble with week 4. i keep bounding up stairs and am suddenly hit with the burn when i reach the top (like i said, there was a little too much incline today), but other than that i feel great. i was dancing as i was driving home, i couldn't help it. i'm definitely having a much better day today than i was on Monday.
In other news, i have my first follower! He's from the C25k forum that i've decided to no longer frequent because certain mods are rude to me. Anyways, you can always read up more on my workouts by clicking on the MapMyRun button to the right, i'm about to go update today's Workout Log right now, as a matter of fact.
Today i used a newer machine, the same brand as what i was used to, but i didn't get the settings quite right. i had more of an incline than i should of and less resistance than i should have. i was also very energetic today, i got my heart rate up during the walking period and kept it up the entire time, even higher than my last workout, truth be told, but once again was not out of breath at any time. My body can do this, easily, even when i feel it afterwards, and my lung capacity has improved so much that i'm very happy with how things are going. Plus the scale that's only a couple of years old at they gym is telling me that i'm losing weight, four pounds so far this week, whereas the decades old scale at the church is not telling me this at all... i'll see how it compares when i weigh in tomorrow.
So for all intents and purposes, i believe it is safe to say that i was running during my warm up today, so i'm not sure quite how long i ran, but i definitely am not having any trouble with week 4. i keep bounding up stairs and am suddenly hit with the burn when i reach the top (like i said, there was a little too much incline today), but other than that i feel great. i was dancing as i was driving home, i couldn't help it. i'm definitely having a much better day today than i was on Monday.
In other news, i have my first follower! He's from the C25k forum that i've decided to no longer frequent because certain mods are rude to me. Anyways, you can always read up more on my workouts by clicking on the MapMyRun button to the right, i'm about to go update today's Workout Log right now, as a matter of fact.
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
my new LiveJournal: Tracing the Paths of my Life
Not that i expect everyone to care or understand, but i am going to start archiving my journals at my new LiveJournal. Some entries will only be for subscribers, and some will only be for me to read. i have a box full of notebooks that i don't want to lose forever due to water damage or fire, etc. And who knows, maybe one day i will be a famous writer and college students will be reading my journals just like i am reading other authors' in my literature classes....
Lol, yeah, i won't be holding my breath on that.
Lol, yeah, i won't be holding my breath on that.
Monday, September 22, 2008
labels done... whew
i have finally gone through all my old posts and labeled them. i had done more than i thought i had, but i still had around 150 to finish. Now all my posts are labeled, just in case any of my readers want to go back and read what i have to say on a certain subject. lol, yeah, i'm not holding my breath on that, but still, it's done.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
oh yes, i wait
Searching for the word "wait" in the New Living Translation provides 235 matches, not all of which are applicable to my situation, but many are (for more info read the comments to my last post). As a lover of freedom i am not one for censorship, but i'm through letting people insult me anonymously. If you want to say something, go ahead, i don't mind as long as it's not lewd or spam. But i am tired of being insulted by people who are ignorant and conceited.
i'm sorry that i'm coming across as harsh. i have sought professional help in the past and it was a waste of time and money, two things i do not have to spare at this time. i refuse to be lectured by mundanes who are more lost than i am. Save your judgment and hatred and ignorance for someone else.
History has taught us that not waiting for God is the stupidest thing you can do. The best example of this is the conflict between the Jews and Muslims in the Middle East. Why couldn't Abraham trust God and keep it in his pants??? i will not make the same mistake.
i'm sorry that i'm coming across as harsh. i have sought professional help in the past and it was a waste of time and money, two things i do not have to spare at this time. i refuse to be lectured by mundanes who are more lost than i am. Save your judgment and hatred and ignorance for someone else.
History has taught us that not waiting for God is the stupidest thing you can do. The best example of this is the conflict between the Jews and Muslims in the Middle East. Why couldn't Abraham trust God and keep it in his pants??? i will not make the same mistake.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
church
i've now provided a link to the church that Megan and i are attending. There are mp3s of the sermons there, in case anyone is interested. The sermons are very good, one of the main draws of the church. It's the Community Bible Church of Savannah.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Someday, i will have one of these...
i just stumbled upon this blog which features a stair case that is also a bookcase. What a dream come true, a way to conserve space that is so functional for the bookworm in me. Everyone has got to visit said blog and check out the pictures.
Incidentally, i accidentally rejected a comment today in which someone stated HAPPY ANNIVERSARY (the stinking links are right next to each other and there are little ones bouncing on me). Thanks for the comment, but i couldn't undo the rejection, lol.
Incidentally, i accidentally rejected a comment today in which someone stated HAPPY ANNIVERSARY (the stinking links are right next to each other and there are little ones bouncing on me). Thanks for the comment, but i couldn't undo the rejection, lol.
Monday, March 03, 2008
On Fire / Dark Fire / Chronicles' Fifth Birthday
this blog is five years old!
It's hard to believe that i have been blogging (off and on) for five years. My life has come really far and yet not very far at all. Right now i'm in the process of trying to figure out what i want to do with my life... Do i want to continue going to college? Settle for a career? Give up on love, marriage, children (any or all)? Pursue my writing full-time? i'm still working through the answers but i've decided not to attend film school. i need to figure out how to support myself and pay off my debts. There are so many questions but so few answers. Like i said, i've come so far, and yet not at all.
It's hard to believe that i have been blogging (off and on) for five years. My life has come really far and yet not very far at all. Right now i'm in the process of trying to figure out what i want to do with my life... Do i want to continue going to college? Settle for a career? Give up on love, marriage, children (any or all)? Pursue my writing full-time? i'm still working through the answers but i've decided not to attend film school. i need to figure out how to support myself and pay off my debts. There are so many questions but so few answers. Like i said, i've come so far, and yet not at all.
Friday, February 15, 2008
update the color scheme
As you may have noticed, this blues are now a little more cheerful and bright. Yep, i bit the bullet and updated my template. I'm thinking about an image for the header... that's a feature now. Don't know what to use, though. I need to update my webpage, , some people were complaining about my beautiful blues being hard to read. Don't know why... (;
Thursday, December 06, 2007
5447 hits
That's how many times my webpage has been viewed in the past four years. That blows me away. And i really wish that i had more to say.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
e-mail address lunacy
In case you haven't figured it out yet, e-mailing me at my old Yahoo Mail account is a waste of time. i was receiving hundreds if not thousands of Spam messages a day, with over half of my mail in my inbox being illegitimate as well. So don't waste your messages (and i know they are few) by e-mailing me there: it won't work. My new e-mail home is at GMail, and i have never ever gotten Spam in my inbox. For the past few months all of my messages from Yahoo have contained the new e-mail address for "Reply to", and i'm not going to be checking the old account anymore. So please e-mail me in a way that will actually get to me: rogue.fire.angel@gmail.com
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Monday, March 06, 2006
wow
This blog just had it's third anniversary and i didn't even realize it. i can't believe i've been blogging for so long.
Monday, January 09, 2006
how to "change time & date"
Well i have now figured out how to put the time i'm posting on my posts. It was hidden under "Post and Comment Options" and i have to click on that every time i want to change time & date. Now i feel silly; i wonder if it's always been there.
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Re: what i'm saying is...
I'm sorry that it's taken so long for me to get back to the computer. I feel that it's important that i reply to some of your comments. Firstly, thank you for your encouragement, Yadah. Secondly, i wish to respond to Apostle John.
I go to church to both bless and be blessed. As i've said, i'm currently having trouble with the giving part because i've been so badly hurt by my brethren in the Lord as well as God. I try to have the same mentality as St. Francis of Assisi (Lord, grant that i may seek to comfort rather than be comforted) but as i feel that i am being constantly attacked from every side that's very difficult right now. For a while it was hard for me to even talk to God about it because i've prayed so very hard in the past and His answer is still wait. I don't know if i have the strength to wait anymore.
You seemed to insinuate that i go to church only to feel good: let me just assure you such is not the case. I am always part of the 2% that does 98% of the work in the church, to quote a common phrase. But in reading God's Word it is clear to me that i must seek God to find Him and He promises that when i seek i will find (Luke 11:10). As i have been seeking Him very hard and not finding very much but silence i am understandably upset. I still believe everything that He promises, which is saying a lot considering some of the anger towards Him that i was holding inside not so long ago. But i've 'fessed up with Him, humbled myself yet again, and started reading my Bible more regularly. I don't know that this will change or help anything imediately, but i am endeavoring to do His will.
The trouble is that it's very hard for me to plan for and work towards a future when i'm not even certain that i'm crawling in the right direction. I hope that makes sense.
I go to church to both bless and be blessed. As i've said, i'm currently having trouble with the giving part because i've been so badly hurt by my brethren in the Lord as well as God. I try to have the same mentality as St. Francis of Assisi (Lord, grant that i may seek to comfort rather than be comforted) but as i feel that i am being constantly attacked from every side that's very difficult right now. For a while it was hard for me to even talk to God about it because i've prayed so very hard in the past and His answer is still wait. I don't know if i have the strength to wait anymore.
You seemed to insinuate that i go to church only to feel good: let me just assure you such is not the case. I am always part of the 2% that does 98% of the work in the church, to quote a common phrase. But in reading God's Word it is clear to me that i must seek God to find Him and He promises that when i seek i will find (Luke 11:10). As i have been seeking Him very hard and not finding very much but silence i am understandably upset. I still believe everything that He promises, which is saying a lot considering some of the anger towards Him that i was holding inside not so long ago. But i've 'fessed up with Him, humbled myself yet again, and started reading my Bible more regularly. I don't know that this will change or help anything imediately, but i am endeavoring to do His will.
The trouble is that it's very hard for me to plan for and work towards a future when i'm not even certain that i'm crawling in the right direction. I hope that makes sense.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
sorry
I haven't been able to get online much lately. I'm still working on my webpage but i might not be able to update for a little while. Wish i could write more, but what can i say? I'm thinking about what i want to do with this blog and my webpage. Hopefully some of it will come about soon.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
weirded out
what i'm knitting ~ PoA scarf
purple square wave armwarmers
what i'm reading ~ The Beginning Place by Ursula K. LeGuin
what i'm writing ~ Ginny Weasley and the Dark Diary (a first-year fic)
The past few days have been really weird for me. I've been working really hard on my webpage and new blog, i'm getting excited about reading the new Harry Potter, and Megan's baby should be coming any day now. Everything seems surreal. I'm not sure i like the direction my life is going in. I'm out of school right now but in another two months it will be back to the grindstone and i won't be able to write anymore. I'll still have my old computer that doesn't work right, i'll still owe people money, i'll have workstudy, i probably won't have enough money (though more than now). I should be working right now but i haven't been able to find a job. No one wants to hire me just for the summer of course, but i can't handle a full load and work study AND a job. I don't even know if i can handle a full load and work study. I really want to be able to snowboard this winter, to get a season pass, but will i have the time? Can i handle the homework load? I don't know what to do.
I like being able to sleep whenever i want. I like being able to work on the things i'm passionate about and feel that God wants me to do. And to be perfectly honest i don't like the school i'm going to, which is why i wanted to transfer to Hawaii. I had a bad experience last semester and am not at all sure that acting is what i want to do anymore. Every time i go to a movie i'm sure that it is, but every time i go to school--and when i was working on As You Like It--i'm not so sure. I'm starting to dream of becoming a director someday, but i also want to write and raise a family. Where i am i feel like i'm not learning much, that i'm still stuck and spinning my wheels. I don't know how to get unstuck, i don't know what God wants me to do.
It's been six and a half years and i'm tired of complaining. I can't shine and complain. I just want to be where God wants me to be, who God wants me to be. All of this waiting is inconsequential in the grand scheme of things (what's seven years to seven googol googol googol?) but right now it's a lot. I've grown tired of watching others surrender things to Satan that ought not to be his and wonder if i do the same. I don't want to. I want to only do God's will. That's hard for me right now because i'm not always certain what it is and if i do feel certain it's disapproved of by everyone else.
The truth is, i chose this road. I could have graduated from UofA a year ago and had a job now, doing what i don't even know. I'm such a different person than i was back then. I remember knowing that i was being fake and that i was tired of doing what everyone expected of me (everyone but God). And i begged Him to show me the high road, the hard path, the way that is His will and no one else's... i just never expected it to be without a flashlight or His hand. I know He's here, i know He's taking care of me, but i don't see it, i don't feel it, i don't know that i'm going the right way. It's so incredible and hard to believe but i started to pray about becoming an actress nine years ago. I only ever wanted to do His will. I want to be everything He's dreamed up for me and seen that i can accomplish if only i will trust in Him.
How do i get from there to there: from hiding in my bedroom and praying about whether or not acting is God's will to actually doing it? I know He promised me that i'll act on Star Trek, i know He did, but what if it's not in this decade, what if it's forty years from now? What if i never get married? What if i never have kids? What if i never sell a book or screenplay? What if i'm always fat? These questions break my heart, but not as much as wondering if i will ever hear God's voice again. Not that i could ever hear a voice out of the sky, but i used to always know what He was telling me if i listened. Is Satan or one of his minions only lying to me? Probably. I don't know why. I keep on telling God that no matter what i'm not going to turn my back on Him. He already knows that, i already know that, what am i supposed to be learning? It doesn't make any sense. If God wants me to wait, i will wait, i have waited, but i just want to know that one day the waiting will be over. It doesn't even have to be explained or make sense, all i want is Him and His will.
How do i get through this, out of the dark? How do i shine, love, create? How do i change myself and be a catalyst for change in others (without choosing or controlling that change, but allowing God to do the changing)? I can see the dark spreading, feel it closing in, not just on me but the U.S. and the world. I keep praying, i try to keep seeking, i am so tired and so insufficient. I need Him. I'm nothing without Him. What do i do? How do i serve Him? How do i ignore the critics, shake them off, and fly? How do i break through financial barriers and thrive? How do i be content while i'm alone? I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out.
purple square wave armwarmers
what i'm reading ~ The Beginning Place by Ursula K. LeGuin
what i'm writing ~ Ginny Weasley and the Dark Diary (a first-year fic)
The past few days have been really weird for me. I've been working really hard on my webpage and new blog, i'm getting excited about reading the new Harry Potter, and Megan's baby should be coming any day now. Everything seems surreal. I'm not sure i like the direction my life is going in. I'm out of school right now but in another two months it will be back to the grindstone and i won't be able to write anymore. I'll still have my old computer that doesn't work right, i'll still owe people money, i'll have workstudy, i probably won't have enough money (though more than now). I should be working right now but i haven't been able to find a job. No one wants to hire me just for the summer of course, but i can't handle a full load and work study AND a job. I don't even know if i can handle a full load and work study. I really want to be able to snowboard this winter, to get a season pass, but will i have the time? Can i handle the homework load? I don't know what to do.
I like being able to sleep whenever i want. I like being able to work on the things i'm passionate about and feel that God wants me to do. And to be perfectly honest i don't like the school i'm going to, which is why i wanted to transfer to Hawaii. I had a bad experience last semester and am not at all sure that acting is what i want to do anymore. Every time i go to a movie i'm sure that it is, but every time i go to school--and when i was working on As You Like It--i'm not so sure. I'm starting to dream of becoming a director someday, but i also want to write and raise a family. Where i am i feel like i'm not learning much, that i'm still stuck and spinning my wheels. I don't know how to get unstuck, i don't know what God wants me to do.
It's been six and a half years and i'm tired of complaining. I can't shine and complain. I just want to be where God wants me to be, who God wants me to be. All of this waiting is inconsequential in the grand scheme of things (what's seven years to seven googol googol googol?) but right now it's a lot. I've grown tired of watching others surrender things to Satan that ought not to be his and wonder if i do the same. I don't want to. I want to only do God's will. That's hard for me right now because i'm not always certain what it is and if i do feel certain it's disapproved of by everyone else.
The truth is, i chose this road. I could have graduated from UofA a year ago and had a job now, doing what i don't even know. I'm such a different person than i was back then. I remember knowing that i was being fake and that i was tired of doing what everyone expected of me (everyone but God). And i begged Him to show me the high road, the hard path, the way that is His will and no one else's... i just never expected it to be without a flashlight or His hand. I know He's here, i know He's taking care of me, but i don't see it, i don't feel it, i don't know that i'm going the right way. It's so incredible and hard to believe but i started to pray about becoming an actress nine years ago. I only ever wanted to do His will. I want to be everything He's dreamed up for me and seen that i can accomplish if only i will trust in Him.
How do i get from there to there: from hiding in my bedroom and praying about whether or not acting is God's will to actually doing it? I know He promised me that i'll act on Star Trek, i know He did, but what if it's not in this decade, what if it's forty years from now? What if i never get married? What if i never have kids? What if i never sell a book or screenplay? What if i'm always fat? These questions break my heart, but not as much as wondering if i will ever hear God's voice again. Not that i could ever hear a voice out of the sky, but i used to always know what He was telling me if i listened. Is Satan or one of his minions only lying to me? Probably. I don't know why. I keep on telling God that no matter what i'm not going to turn my back on Him. He already knows that, i already know that, what am i supposed to be learning? It doesn't make any sense. If God wants me to wait, i will wait, i have waited, but i just want to know that one day the waiting will be over. It doesn't even have to be explained or make sense, all i want is Him and His will.
How do i get through this, out of the dark? How do i shine, love, create? How do i change myself and be a catalyst for change in others (without choosing or controlling that change, but allowing God to do the changing)? I can see the dark spreading, feel it closing in, not just on me but the U.S. and the world. I keep praying, i try to keep seeking, i am so tired and so insufficient. I need Him. I'm nothing without Him. What do i do? How do i serve Him? How do i ignore the critics, shake them off, and fly? How do i break through financial barriers and thrive? How do i be content while i'm alone? I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out.
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