Saturday, December 30, 2006
re: pathetic vomit
snowboarding!
Happy New Year!
Friday, December 29, 2006
i am pathetic
Why am i still stuck here in this rut? Why am i incapable of a modicum of self-control or refinement? No matter how hard i try i am still chained, caged, trapped, helpless. i am so impatient, so loose lipped, i can't shut up, can't be patient, can't be discreet, i simply vomit all of my patheticness on everyone around me. Stand back, because here more comes whether you're ready or not. i can't keep it in. i don't want this ugliness inside. But i don't want it outside either, embarassing and distasteful and repulsive to all. No one wants to be around me.
i can't stand being alone, but me being me, being honest, vomiting, only makes me more alone. i try to ignore the pain, the loneliness, the brokeness, the anger, the angst, but i can't. i'm still sick or trying to hide my reality from everyone but still scared to show everyone the truth. No one wants it, i'm ashamed of it, it doesn't help... but i still can't keep it in.
i try so hard. i live my life, try to accept it without complaint (which i am apparently failing miserably at), suck it up, keep going, keep fighting, keep ignoring how much it hurts, and all i am doing is ignoring the problem. i don't know how to fix my problems. so i try to ignore them, but i can't. i'm over my head. i can never come to a conclusion. i can never get better.
Last night my mom pointed out to me that i said (not so very long ago) that i would never, ever, ever, take an 8 a.m. class at Mesa State ever again. Well now that i will be working 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. i'd kind of like to but i can't find one. i said i would never and now i have to eat my words. So driving home from home i started going through a list of "i nevers". It made me think of the game Kate and Sawyer played on Lost, saying "I never" and then drinking if they had. My list was "I'll never" and it was a long one, full of things i have dreamed of for so very long but am so very afraid that God will never give me. i wanted to lay them out so He would prove me wrong. i'm so sick of praying and receiving no answer.
i feel bad that i've not done more for my grandparents since moving in with them but i don't know how to give more. It's really hard to drive home each night, to spend each day there, with my grandfather becoming more alien to me and more hostile towards the things the family is doing to try to help him. i feel so bad for my Grandma. Yesterday he was telling my uncle (while they were both sitting right next to me) aboud the differences between Korean prostitutes and brothels and Japanese ones from his perspective when he was there during the Korean War. i got so embarassed. He's not my Grandad anymore. i never wanted or expected to hear him say so many of the things he does now.
i don't know how to go on like this. It is always like this, overwhelming pain and problems, and i am helpless to do anything besides take it up the tailpipe and keep on keeping on. i'm sorry, i know i'm being lewd, but i'd rather be using much dirtier words and am instead trying to write in a more refined manner. No curse could ever express the pain i feel.
i want to say that i'm swearing off men but herein lies my problem: i'm sick of pursuing God. i'm sick of my Grandad's disease. i'm sick of my father's anger being manifested in my own heart and attitude. i'm sick of being single but do not know how to be a couple even if i could find a boyfriend, nor do i have the time to date. The men i desire, try not to pursue, and make a fool of myself in front of all, without exception, do not want me. Only the creeps want me. And i hate it. i hate being depressed and a pessimist and so ugly when all i want to be is joyful and optimistic and beautiful and with just one person, one person to build the rest of my life with, God willing. That's all i've ever wanted.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
new look!
Monday, December 11, 2006
"God is in the Rain" (400th post)
It's been seven years today. Seven years since God promised me so much. i don't know if i was right to make so many of the decisions that i have, but i have tried most of all to be faithful to God. i constantly live in fear and loathe the fact that i do not do more to stand by my convictions but i am such an oddity in today's world. i care so much and am sure that i can do so little. i should not allow my fear or Satan's lies to paralyze me so, i know. i only want to do God's will, but i am truly afraid that the world as i know it is about to change. More than that i'm afraid that i cannot stop these events from taking place, change them for the better before or after they do.
i know i'm not making sense here, i cannot give full voice to what i'm feeling yet, but ever since September 11th i've known that the world had changed and would continue to change and i've always had a feeling that it will be for ill. We held back the dark for a while, we liberated Afghanistan and Iraq, but now things are going badly again. Democrats control Congress and universally seem to want to pull out no matter what the cost. i can't help but feel that they're forgetting what happened the last time we were attacked and have this pipe dream that it could never happen again. i know they're wrong. i can feel it in my soul.
i think something will happen soon. Maybe not will all this global stuff i'm talking about, but with me. i think God may give me a book or a job to do that will warn people or make a difference or something. Or maybe i just have to hold onto what really matters in my life and get ready to batten down the hatches. i'm still waiting for God to lead me whenever and wherever He will. And i guess that's all i have to say about that... for now.
V for Vendetta
The past seven years of my life have been hard, but i don't think i would trade them back for anything. i fully understand when Valerie says "...for three years I had roses and apologized to no one." To me this movie isn't so much about being homosexual or of another race as it is about being free. The government in this movie is led by totalitarian Christians who are unyielding in their "faith", their definition of right vs. wrong, which to me as a Christian myself is totally offensive and twisted. i don't endorse homosexuality but i don't think any government should be imprisoning those who are. i don't think the color of one's skin should be a reason to be beaten and killed. And i don't think that i should be judged for my own individuality and love of the truth.
The idea of a nazi-esque London is scary, even moreso the idea that this type of government could happen here in the U.S. Here i think it would be run by the other side of the spectrum, the liberals, but either way it's dangerous. All of these topics are sensitive, i know, but truth does not know any political boundaries, all parties are wrong on some issues some of the time, and i can't help but be afraid that the country i love so much is slowly becoming something i cannot love and will eventually fear. "People shouldn't be afraid of their governments, governments should be afraid of their people." i can't imagine blowing up the Capitol, the Supreme Court, or murdering key members of the government, but here in the U.S. the militia is vilified just as much as V.
Gun control is a scary thing to me, the idea that people in power want to take away my right to have a weapon, to protect myself in self defense, or join a militia and defend my country. But then these are rights that i am guaranteed in the Constitution and the government isn't really the country (even thought that's usually how we think of it)...
i am. My father, my mother, my brother, my sister, my neighbor, my classmate... we are America. How dare we let the government take away our money and throw it away on Social Security? How dare we let them keep our children dumb and brainwashed into who they want them to be!?! How dare they even consider in their wildest of dreams that they are smarter or abler than we to provide for ourselves, to build our own future, to protect ourselves. "Our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have. It is the very last inch of us. But within that inch we are free."
i have often felt as if every inch of me will perish, as if i am paralyzed by fear when i shouldn't be. What Valerie says is right, that our integrity is all we have to hold onto, that love is what is most important of all. "I hope that the worlds turns, and that things get better," but most of all i hope i can be strong enough to be who God wants me to be. The near future may be hard, harder than even i can imagine, but i would rather see this country fall than become corrupted like the government V brought his vendetta to. i think this movie is a good reminder of the danger we are all in and if we let it will empower us enough by reminding us that we can change the course of the future.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
what i think
i've been watching V for Vendetta a lot lately. V says that "People shouldn't be afraid of their governments; governments should be afraid of their people" and a lot more awesome stuff that sounds straight out of books actually written in colonial times. The point is that i'm starting to get afraid of my government, of the power they have over schoolchildren, and welfare recipients, and the outcome of the war on terror. i don't expect the government to be able to keep me safe from all the wackos out there, but i certainly don't want it to start taking away my freedoms for my own "safety" (which is where it's sliding).
Worse still, the government is stealing my money, money that i know i'm never going to see again (save for the slim chance of considerable changes in D.C.), and it seems that everyone is content to just let them take it. Social Security is going to go bankrupt long before i'm old enough to draw upon it, so i'm getting screwed over. Not only are they taking money from me now (that i need for food and gas and other necessaries), they're taking money from my retirement fund. They're taking money away from me and crippling me because i can't support myself let alone save money or supplies in case of war on the homefront or the complete collapse of the government. i know what the politicians are doing, they're trying to keep me, you, everyone dependent on them. i'm not a conspiracy buff, but i just can't see any other explanation, everything points to it. Democrats are causing it and Republicans are allowing it to happen.
i don't know what to do about it. Sometimes i think of Hyde and becoming an Anarchist but i don't think that's the way. i'm tired of being alone. But what could i do? What can little old me do when no one listens to me? No one listens to me. i just spent the past twenty-four hours upset because of that very fact, but now i don't feel so bad about it. Who am i to expect anyone to listen to me? i don't know everything. i know a lot, but that doesn't necessarily mean that my knowledge is meant to be shared with the world. What i was mad about... i don't even know if i should be hoping for what i felt cheated of. i need to be more patient, have more wisdom, and of course wait... i hate waiting, being patient, and what widom i have only irks me because other people are too stupid to have the common sense God gave me. Which of course makes me an idiot.
i know, i have issues.
i'm having trouble coming to a conclusion. Which is why i hate blogging, why i rarely write anymore... i always have ideas, never have conclusions. i don't have time to devote to my writing, or my art, and i'm quickly getting nowhere in college. Time passes so quickly. i want to say something about the last inch, like in the movie, but i can't remember what it said.
i still don't think that homosexuality is morally right, but i also don't think that people should be imprisoned for it. i don't believe that people of other races are inferior or superior. i think all of us, no matter what our skin color, have been given the same brains, bodies, and minds to live with, that some of us only have better circumstances growing up, educations, chances to use them, and the strength to utilize our gifts from God. Is someone not a great artist or writer or human because they are in an internment camp, or prison, or too poor to succeed, to become known, to fly???
"God is in the rain," that was one of the things i wanted to say. i need God. In five days it will be seven years and i just have to wonder... Have i made the right choices? Have i failed to be faithful to Him? Have i given into fear? i have no answers, no hope, no future, not without Him, now when He is silent. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to say, to ask. i don't know who to be.
i have to finish my two drawings for my Drawing final tonight and i don't want to. i want to watch V again and cry. i want to feel hope that God will prevail, that truth will prevail. i want to stand in the rain and know that God is kissing my face as i lift it to look at him. i know, i'm stupid, i'm lame, i'm sentimental, i'm a drama queen... but i don't know how to be anyone else, any other way, anything but helpless, hopeless, broken, dependent on God. i still need Him.
quotable quotes
...in which is quoted one Professor Alexander Tyler, or "Lord Woodhouselee, Alexander Fraser Tytler", depending on whom you trust. i don't really care who said it first, whether it was two hundred years ago or fifty years ago, i just think it's a good quote.
"A Democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can exist only until the voters discover that they can vote themselves largesse from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates promising the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that a Democracy always collapses over loose fiscal policy, always followed by a Dictatorship.
The average age of the world's greatest civilizations has been 200 years. These nations have progressed through this sequence: From bondage to spiritual faith; from spiritual faith to great courage; from courage to liberty; from liberty to abundance; from abundance to selfishness; from selfishness to complacency; from complacency to apathy; from apathy to dependency; from dependency back again into bondage."
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
i love snow! except for the part about icy sidewalks...
For those of you who don't know, i hurt my right lower back and hip the Friday before Thanksgiving when i fell down bowling. For over a week it hurt like heck to stand up, sit down, kneel, pretty much everything except lie down, and then it would hurt to roll over. Fortunately this past Monday i woke up without pain and with the stiffness nearly gone, but since that same day my joints have been feeling the weather more than usual. i know i'm still not fully recovered: today i tried to touch my toes and didn't get all the way there, which was a shocker for me. i can usually put my hands flat on the floor with my feet together and legs straight, or if i'm sitting on the floor with my legs together reach past my toes. But even though i have gotten to the point where my back doesn't spasm every time to stand up and my legs aren't painfully twitchy from 2-4 in the afternoon (even if sometimes it still takes a second for my back to straighten and pelvis to tilt in the right position if i get up too fast) i have been getting intermittent cramps in at random times of the day (mostly in my right calf and butt). But this is all a lot better than the perpetual pain that was and i'm sure is mostly because i haven't been eating enough of the right things. i'm in a lot less pain now, believe me. i'm still hoping to be able to hit the slopes opening weekend at Powderhorn, but i'm not going to go if my body isn't ready. Better to be able to ride the entire season than blow my back out going down the mountain once.
Anyways, back to Announcing... i should have been glad because i wasn't really prepared, but instead i was irritated because on Monday he made such a big deal about me having to go today. i've known the snow was coming since Saturday when Sowder (later Radcliffe) started talking about it on the weather report, not to mention that my body has been telling me (screaming to me one night, to be perfectly honest, it's like my old weather sensors magnified exponentially). i got to school on time, why can't he??? i'm never taking a class from this guy again; i appreciate a day off now and then, but not on an average of once every other week.
And there's also something else i realized while trying not to slip and slide across campus: i wasn't nervous. All my nerves have worn off over the semester, more and more with each assignment, not that they were crushing to begin with. i'm around this every day, secretly harbor suspicions that i could read the news better than our current anchor (sorry Ryan), and i know i could write it better than the reporters (who all have atrocious grammer and little writing skill). i'm ashamed to admit these things. Those people have graduated college while i'm meanwhile bored and ticked off attending one class in the subject. i dropped my other class because i decided that i just don't want to be a journalist and am now strongly considering changing majors again. What's going on with me?
i could be good at this, i see that, but everyone in this business are so full of themselves that it's a total turn off. i love all of them to death because i've gotten to know them, but if i could chose these people as friends... i wouldn't have wanted to be friends with more than one or two because they're just annoyingly sure of themselves and have no sense of humbleness in their bodies. God threw me in with them, and i'm glad he did, but that's why He's God and i'm not.
And today i started to wonder why i have no nerves when it comes to reading a poorly written newspaper article as if it were a "Reader" in a Broadcast (it would have made a decent Package, but in this format it stinks) when every time i would do a monologue or scene during class or auditions at the MPAC across campus it would be all i could do not to fall apart. i don't want to do theater, but i think it's more than that. i think i'm developing a healthy confidence in myself without this ludicrous "i'm king of the world" rubbish.
But Broadcasting has turned out to be a subject that i could care less about and Theater... i don't want to be on Broadway, but it's frighteningly close to what my dream was all about, just the same. It's not that i don't want to act... it's that i hate what they wanted me to act out/about and i was so afraid that i would look bad doing it because i knew it was bad. Cowden and Ivanov will rant and rave about how Theater is better written, better acted, better performed, better art, and i just want to cringe. My passion is film, for all its pitfalls, and Theater...? Well, let's just say that it doesn't reach me. Give me a bad high school play with actors that i know over a expensive production of a "important" play any day.
So why did i get crushing nerves during monologues, etc. i would forget lines that i had labored to memorize, be stiff and my blocking would go out the window, i had one scene that just went "okay". i know i can do this (acting), it was my passion for so long, and now... i don't let myself think about it because it seems impossible. But here is the dream that i fought against and God chose to press into my heart anyway. i feel guilty that i've kind of given up on it now. Meanwhile, most of my readers are probably relieved. i just wish i knew what God wants me to do about it.
Jessica Alba has said that she doesn't do things halfway and "My theory is that if you look confident you can pull off anything - even if you have no clue what you're doing." i wish i could be like that, be confident enough that God can use me even when i don't have a clue what i'm doing. Maybe i can learn that next year, make it a resolution. Meanwhile, i now have to go to bowling.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
the incriminating blog reborn
what i'm listening to ~ Christmas music!
what i'm reading ~ Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince by J.K. Rowling (just finished OotP)
what i'm writing ~ Before the Dawn
It's hard for me to believe that it's been almost a month since i wrote the incriminating blog that never got posted, even harder to put into words what i'm feeling now. It has been a very eventful semester. Once i dropped the classes that were giving my headaches or cost too much for my budget things were actually going relatively smoothly. Then suddenly i felt like i was hitting my head on the ceiling, in one class in particular. And if that weren't enough i suddenly developed a huge crush on a guy that i work with.
i don't know if anyone understands this about me, but i don't usually get a crush on a guy unless it's a really, really big thing. The pressure of trying to communicate or act appropriately around a man two years my junior only exasperates things, but to make things even worse it turns out that he's already in a serious relationship (typical). So not only did i feel like a fool trying to figure out how to act around him, i felt crushed because it turned out to be yet another dashed hope, a relationship that turned to nothing before it even had a chance to start.
Some of you may know that my younger sister is pregnant with her second child. You may also know that i'm about to turn to twenty-five. But if this weren't enough... i have never been on a date, never been kissed, held hands, gone steady, etc. And i've wanted to get married and have a large family since i was three.
The past few months i've had a lot of things to get my head around. Patience has never been my strong suit and over the past seven years i have felt caged, betrayed, broken. i don't need to join the Army to go through boot camp, i've been enduring a spiritual boot camp for the past seven years. i've been sad and mad at God; i'd nearly given up. Nothing i've tried or done has ever been enough, so why keep trying, right? Such was my attitude. i'm not sure why i was more heartbroken, because i felt betrayed by God or because i felt like i was betraying God, that i should feel guilty when i didn't, not in the slightest. i'd lost hope, faith, and my positive attitude and had given into despair, doubt, and pessimism.
But life goes on. It doesn't slow down or stop no matter how much i want it to: "The only way is through this," but i didn't want to go through it, i just wanted it to stop. i'm not used to nor appreciative of having a crush: i usually don't know the person well yet, don't know them, if i really want to feel that way about them, or if i should even hope for something more. Relationships like this, that are entirely devoid of familiarity or a known sense of kindred spiritness: it's too close to lust, dangerous, and out of control. i am a fool when it comes to (eros) love and have no experience, have not felt it, do not know what to do about it. i have a hard enough time dealing with phileo, leave lust out of it entirely! i only want one man to spend the rest of my life with, and i really don't know how to let a guy know any of these things about me without scaring him off entirely.
It took me time to put the brakes on this: it always does. One time i had this overwhelming crush on a guy that turned out to be married with another kid on the way. i never spoke two words to him, we were never formally introduced, but i could just see God the Spirit moving in him so powerfully when he sang and it took me forever to let go of that. But i did. This time didn't take nearly as long, wasn't so bad, but i didn't want it and didn't want to let go of it at the same time. i'm tired of being alone. i was still mad at God.
It's hard to believe but it has been people at my job who have helped the most. Robert M. told me that i'm a lady and that no girl should have to grow up feeling like her father wanted her to be a son. Kimbo told me that one day i'll find a man that will love me for who i am and it will just be. These guys are both happily married, older than me, and my bosses (not the head boss, but bosses none the less), but hearing these words of encouragement... i've always tried to hold onto those promises from God, but somehow hearing this encouragement from two guys made all the difference.
Tonight i went to my parents' church for the Thanksgiving dinner and it was probably the best one i've been to (which isn't saying much, in case you're wondering). Afterwards my mom and i went to see Stranger than Fiction, a movie i had heard was poor but upon seeing the trailer knew that i had to see... i'm not exactly a Will Ferrell fan but i am a Emma Thompson fan. It's a very funny movie, not believable and yet all too real. And as the movie progressed for once in my life i did not try to figure out how it would end or decide how i wanted it to: i merely watched the movie unfold. i must confess that i expected Harold Crick to die. And then...
s
p
o
i
l
e
r
s
p
a
c
e
...when he didn't i actually found it a bit surprising. Dustin Hoffman's professor had said that the book was a work of art and that if Harold survived it wouldn't be, that Harold's life would then be meaningless. But then Emma Thompson said something that i don't think i'll ever forget: that the reason the ending would work once she rewrote the book was not because Harold survived but that Harold knew the end of the story, he knew that he was going to die, but that he went and did this noble thing anyway. Which in my perfectly honest opinion is the kind of stuff that makes a movie worth watching, a book worth reading, a life worth living. This is the reason that i was so mad that i had become so involved with Lord of the Rings halfway through reading Return of the King because:
"It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo: the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were, and sometimes you didn't want to know the end, because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something, even if you were too small to understand why...."
This is why i believe that Harry will survive and Voldemort will be defeated. This is why i hated the Matrix Revolutions. This is why i only want happy endings, not because pain or sadness in life is not worth experiencing or dwelling on but because pain is only worth it if you have a happy ending. If Christ would have died on the cross and then not risen from the dead then his sacrifice would have been meaningless: my hope is validated by the promise that He has defeated death and that He is coming back for me someday. Without the happy ending the pain is meaningless, hopeless, devoid of truth; the happy ending is everything, the sacrifice for something more important is everything. i am not holding on for this life, as much as i would love for it to be made right again, and to be safe and happy, i am holding on for the good in the next world, the comfort, love, joy, and peace.
With all the crushes i have had in my life it has been "but a shadow and a thought that <i> love." They could not give me what i seek. My father wasn't able to, either, he doesn't know how much he broke me heart, tore me down, and it surprises me that i can now say to God "forgive him, for he knew not what he did." i'm far from being whole, and i don't know if a man can make me whole, but God can. i've been where Eowyn was, was not let down as easily, but i'm still waiting for my Faramir, for my Imzadi. i can not believe that i'm saying this, either, but i'm willing to wait no matter how long it takes.
i recently took a quiz that was supposed to tell you which LotR character you most strongly identify with and i was surprised that it named me Aragorn. In hindsight perhaps i am not so surprised: "i give hope to men; i keep none for myself" has resonated with me ever sinse i read it. i am ashamed to say that i have been struggling with this over the past year, would now rather have an easy life than the difficult path i chose. i am not popular, not charismatic, do not feel appreciated, and usually discount the rare praise as false. i know i have many failings, that i desperately need to be purified and molded into someone new. i lost hope; it is taking time for hope to be regained. i'm still not certain that i'm ready to go out into the world, for any ministry God has planned for me. i get tired, i lose faith when encouragement isn't forthcoming, i am stubborn and would rather gripe than let God work in my life. Yes i am weak.
And yet somehow... there's a spark in me again. For the first time in a couple of years i have hope. There's no real reason for it, i still have the dead end job, the unrewarding college career, am overweight, am single... The list could go on, but i won't bore you. But somewhere along the way i realized that things could be going a lot worse. This past week i've been in pretty excruciating pain because i pulled a muscle when i fell down bowling (my right side has had it bad, lower back, lower abs, hip, butt, thigh, calves, all cramp and/or spasm at various times during the day and with little comfort, my only recourse being to lay down for real relief, and my knee has been sore, too): i had to slow down a lot. i normally walk full tilt, don't think about getting out of bed, a chair, the car, but it turned to fear that when i tried to stand up my back would hurt so bad that i couldn't stand up straight, the muscles were just too tight, and i had to move so slow that everything is awkward. i have full range of motion, just not the strength to use it. To top things off, i've had a cold.
But i got through it. i must confess that the first day i said the f word a few times under my breath because the pain was so severe, but day by day i've gradually improved. i am so grateful that i won't have to live with this pain, hope to be back to normal by early next week, but it made me stick to my priorities. i went to work every day and tried not to complain despite the fact that i had to stand for at least half an hour straight every broadcast (twice a day). i ditched a class one day and slept in instead (which was definitely the right choice). i skipped weightlifting and bowling and will have to make them up but couldn't have lifted anything repeatedly had i tried. i've walked slow and taken the elevator a few times. But most of all i didn't get mad at God. It was such a stupid thing to feel such pain over, i've fallen down bowling before and come away perfectly unscathed, but this time... i guess it was just something God wanted to put in my path. And i faced it, and i still have hope... or maybe i should say i have hope again. All because of a story about Harold Crick and the events of my life that have conspired to slow me down and bless me.
So i'm...
thankful that i am feeling better
thankful that i have a Powderhorn season pass that i will be able to use in two weeks
thankful for my family
thankful that i didn't do anything foolish when i had that stupid crush
thankful for the raise in minimum wage January 1st
thankful for family to spend the holidays with
thankful for my computer and web.archive.org (even if my old backgrounds are still lost forever)
thankful for OotP previews and book seven news and bowling buddies who are just as crazy about Harry Potter as i am
hopeful for 2007 that...
God will bless me even more
God will send me the guy He wants in my life
God will get me out of debt and on track with His plans
God will stop being silent
guess that's about it: happy Thanksgiving!
p.s. please pray for my Grandad, who only wants to move back to Arizona and is fighting with my Grandma about it all the time
Monday, November 13, 2006
awesome poem
"Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die."
another draft:
"Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die."
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
stuck in my head
this is your life are you who you want to be? ~ this is your life are you who you want to be? ~ this is your life is it everything you dreamed that it would be ~ when the world was younger and you had everything to lose
yesterday is a kid in the corner ~ yesterday is dead and over
this is your life are you who you want to be? ~ this is your life are you who you want to be? ~ this is your life is it everything you dreamed that it would be ~ when the world was younger and you had everything to lose?
~ This is Your Life by Switchfoot
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Why I recommend "The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress"
The first time i tried to read this i couldn’t get into it, but this time around it was hard to put down at certain points. i don’t have much time to read during the semester but i kept picking it up every few days, eager to find out what happens next. The narrative is a little different from what one expects to find these days, but this book is still well written, discussing the theories of government and overthrowing one without sounding at all preachy, tactfully getting the point across. For a sci fi fan who loves the genre for the thought provoking issues it faces rather than the blast-it-up fly-fast mentality, this is definitely worth a read.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Re: "the incriminating post"
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
finally
so i modified some of my goals because they were obtainable, that wasn’t the point: the point was to find 10 goals that i could accomplish. and i did. Will write more soon, but suffice it to say, i feel blessed.
Friday, September 29, 2006
great day... even if i had to get up early to take a test
what i'm reading ~ The Moon is a Harsh Mistress by Robert Heinlein
Work is going well and i am almost finished with my training. As soon as they're confident that i know what i'm doing and get the two more new PAs trained then S. will be moving to graphics and C. will be moving to sound an i will be senior PA! Daunting, and it was intimidating, but i think that i'm definitely starting to get the hang of this job.
It's been a really good week, but i'm tired from working every night. i have to go to Bowling now, so i don't have time to write what i wanted to. ): But a little update is better than nothing, right?
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Why I recommend "Lost - The Complete Second Season"
The deal with this show, what makes it so great, is the character development. If you fall in love with the characters or a character then you’re going to love this show, otherwise there is no point. The mystery of what’s going on certainly plays a part, but it better to focus on everyone’s background and figure out how everyone is interconnected (even before they were on the Island). Easter eggs abound, like Hurley on the TV when Jin is beating someone up, Sawyer running into a car door when Christian Shephard (talking to Ana Lucia) are parked outside a bar, a Dharma logo on a shark’s tail… examples abound. i know i’m not as addicted to this show as some, but man i love these characters. i can’t help but love Lost.
new pics of Alice!
keep it coming
While i would say that season two was not nearly as good as season one this show still shows a lot of promise and has great twist & turn shock factor. i now can’t wait to see season three. But certain things annoy me like Tom’s new love interest and how Isabelle just suddenly grew up (it would have been more believable if she had been growing up at a sped up rate than just suddenly maturing instantly). Worth viewing but i hope that season three is even better.
Monday, September 11, 2006
redundant
i have probably watched about ten movies in which Harrison Ford plays a husband/father in which his beautiful wife and kids are kidnapped/threatened/etc. and in which he alone can save the day. i’m not saying that it’s a bad storyline (because there are films out there that portray this type of story in multiple genres) but it’s just getting a bit old (as is Ford as well for this type of role). This film just didn’t bring enough to the table for me to say that it’s anything more than “okay.”
Why I recommend "Flightplan (Widescreen Edition)"
The way my aunt talked about this movie i expected it to be awful, but it was actually rather decent. It’s not the best film out there, but it was more good than bad. Interesting diversion with several twists that doesn’t ignore the world we live in post-9/11.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
back to school
Monday, August 21, 2006
first day of classes
what i'm listening to ~ David Crowder Band
Today i went to Radio/TV Announcing for all of ten minutes (he went through the syllabus sooooo fast), Bowling (i bowled a 62... not my best), and 2-D Design. As i suspected, i'm going to have to buy a ton of art supplies. What i didn't expect was to need them for 2-D Design! i thought it would be a more in-depth Art Appreciation and lecture only but we are going to be completing at least seven projects. i'm really excited but also apprehensive as i'm sure that my drawing and painting will not be anywhere as good as the other students. i just hope that i learn and improve a lot this semester because i feel such an urge to create but have never been happy with my results. Even my paintings and scraps i've submitted at deviantArt are not as good as i'd like them to be. i want to start ignoring the negative voice in my head and just create. i'm so looking forward to this semester so far, mostly because of the art. But in Announcing we're actually going to be doing some announcing for the college radio and news on the tv. So exciting and nerve racking. i actually found myself practicing my s's, sh's, z's, ch's, and j's today as i was walking to my final class! So it was an easy first day, now i need to find some money to pay for my art supplies.
p.s. i'm now moved in at the grandparents and got a warning on my car: still no plates, but hopefully there will be soon.
p.p.s. i got my first haircut since the buzz today! Looking good imho.
s.p.p.s. i actually looked at my Mars pics e-mail today and love what i saw... i want to learn how to draw that! i'll definitely be messing around with my new pencils. Look:
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
finally did it!
i had been procrastinating (who knows why, i sure don’t) but i’ve finally got four paintings up and more on the way.
Monday, August 14, 2006
nearly completed!
i got my bond title in the mail today! Now all i have to do is go to the DMV and hand in all of the paperwork. Unfortunately i will probably have to wait until Friday when i get my financial aid check. Anyways, its almost finished with and out of the way… which is such a relief.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
progress on finding a new church
i’ve now visited two churches, one once and the other twice. i haven’t been going to church regularly because of vacation time but i’m going to start going every week now. This week the Young Adult pastor gave the sermon and i liked it better than the normal pastor. i’m going to go on Wednesdays (where the service is designed for young adults) if i’m not working that day, but next week i am and don’t feel comfortable asking for that day off as well as Sunday at my new job. Time and God will tell whether or not this is the place for me.
from out of nowhere
i’m not exactly a fan of inspiring sports movies… Coach Carter was better than i expect, but most movies of this type just bore me for the most part. The only reason i decided that i wanted to watch this film is because of Shia LaBeouf… Though he didn’t have a very good part in I, Robot i loved him on Even Stevens and he was good in Holes. In this movie, however, Shia gives up humor and goes deeper for an inspirational drama about not giving up on your dreams even when nearly everyone is telling you to. He has grown up and truly delivers an amazing performance. This is a good film to watch all around, your heart drops and soars along with the characters’ failures and successes. i would definitely recommend this film to anyone.
update
So sorry, i meant to write days ago. The day after my last post i discovered that what i needed to do was a title bond through an insurance company. No one in town would do it for me because i am not a client, so i called my auto insurance and am using the company they are associated with. The bond cost $100, a lot more than the lady at the DMV told me it would and twice as much as i was expecting to pay. It hasn’t cleared my account yet, but i they told me that it should arrive within 5-10 days. It’s my understanding that after that i can register my car and put plates on it. After a few more things to fix it up i should be able to start driving it every day for work! i’m really excited as i think my car will be better for my job (better gas mileage, etc.)... it will be nice to have my own car again after two years! i’ve grown tired of driving my parents’ Tracker even if i will miss driving shift.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
i just read an article
It was about playing video games to lose weight and was very motivational. This total computer geek lost weight doing Dance Dance Revolution, driving programs powered by a stationary bike, and other exercise games. It gave me a hankering to do DDR again, which i used to do at least an hour every day using my roommates Playstation. i found a website with free dance software and found out that you can get a dance pad for your pc so hopefully i will be able to do this soon. Anything to start moving again!
slow progress
So yesterday i bought a new battery (the old one was dead, dead, dead). Wal-Mart only had one for my car that cost over $60! So i went to AutoZone and bought the second cheapest at $45 (the cheapest was out of stock at $30). The car started up right away as soon as i put the battery in and ran fine today.
Today i found out that i had to go to the sheriff dept. to pay for my VIN inspection but that it was only $10 (i had been told $20). So a deputy came out to the house at 3 p.m. and was like “you have to have a title” but he did the inspection and said that he did not think it would be a help but to go to the DMV for verification. Little does he know that the DMV was who told me this was what i needed.
Around 4 p.m. i arrived at the nearest car dealer looking for a Retail Appraisal but guess what… the Appraiser had just left for the day! So in a little while we will be leaving for Tucson for a stay with my uncle and hopefully i will be able to get the appraisal next Tuesday or Wednesday. After that all i need is a surety bond! Hopefully i will be able to drive my car right away as i start my new job the next day, but she (at the DMV) did not say how long it would be before i can register my car and get plates on it.
Still, it is progress!
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
stuck in my head
cause my Jesus bled and died ~ He spent His time with thieves and liars ~ He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant ~ so which one do you want to be?
blessed are the poor in spirit ~ or do we pray to be blessed with the wealth of this land ~ blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness ~ or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand
cause my Jesus bled and died for my sins ~ He spent His time with thieves and sluts and liars ~ He loved the poor and accosted the rich ~ so which one do you want to be?
who is this that you follow ~ this picture of the American dream ~ if Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side or fall down and worship at His holy feet
pretty blue eyes and curly brown hair and a clear complexion ~ is how you see Him as He dies for Your sins ~ but the Word says He was battered and scarred ~ or did you miss that part ~ sometimes i doubt we'd recognize Him
cuz my Jesus bled and died ~ He spent His time with thieves and the least of these ~ He loved the poor and accosted the comfortable ~ so which one do you want to be?
cuz my Jesus would never be accepted in my church ~ the blood and dirt on His feet would stain the carpet ~ but He reaches for the hurting and despised the proud ~ i think He'd prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowd ~ and i know that He can hear me if i cry out loud
i want to be like my Jesus! ~ i want to be like my Jesus!
not a posterchild for American prosperity, but like my Jesus ~ you see i'm tired of living for success and popularity ~ i want to be like my Jesus but i'm not sure what that means to be like You Jesus ~ cuz You said to live like You, love like You but then You died for me ~ can i be like You Jesus? ~ i want to be like my Jesus
~ Todd Agnew, My Jesus
Monday, July 31, 2006
a little progress...
So, i’ve now purchased a small tent, a battery powered lantern (i would have liked to go with the rechargeable batteries but it was beyond my budget… so i went with the cheap $.97 for two. i don’t know if they’ll last as long, but until i get a higher cash flow, they’ll have to do), an air mattress, and a fishing pole. All of this stuff can be used for camping, but most of it is good emergency gear, too. i don’t need an air mattress, but i can no longer comfortably sleep on the ground. A fishing pole is important if you need to catch your supper, but right now will be for recreational purposes. i think that it’s important to be able to live off the land if you need to. i meant to go camping last week into this week, but things didn’t work out, so now i’m working on “bond and title my car” this week instead of “learn how to fish”. Next purchases: a camp stove (unless my father has one i can have, which he might) and a new sleeping bag (my old one is not big enough and is well used).
Friday, July 28, 2006
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
news near, news far
But on Monday i did get to hear a caller on the Sean Hannity show who lives in Israel. He said that bombs are landing near people, between Synagogues, etc., but not exploding, and people are giving God all the glory. i wish i could find a transcript because the call was powerful, filled with God. But it immediately turned my mind to the End Times and the Tribulation period. i've always expected the rapture and subsequent Tribulation to happen within my lifetime, but after these new events i've had to ask myself just how soon? There are a lot of things about the Tribulation that i've forgotten or never understood. So i'm trying to do research but it's slow going. But my thoughts are heavy on this and my prayers are with those in Israel.
stuck in my head
blue like the sea ~ tears have flown so deep through me ~ sweet release ~ precious peace ~ You have seen all of me
love of my life carry me to Your light ~ every breath that i breathe ~ all of me
time leading on ~ through the storm raging strong ~ say i am weak but You heal and You shield ~ all of me ~ yes You did
light of my life carry me to your light ~ every breath that i breathe ~ all of me
snow falling by ~ tumbling down soft and white ~ it's so clear such a sweet rhapsody ~ all of me
said You wanted all of me ~ help me ~ give all ~ all of me ~ gave me all of me ~ all of me ~ all of me
Bebe Winans All of Me (from My Utmost for His Highest: The Covenant)
Friday, July 21, 2006
i thought i had done this...
when i got a new job in April, but it turned out to the worst job i have ever had. i wanted to work part time, they scheduled me full time. i had to stay up all night to finish writing a paper. i don’t know what i was thinking ever marking this goal as done because i had an inkling that this job was going to be a bust when i took it. Maybe i should have followed my gut… then they wouldn’t have been able to rip me off. But at least i’ve had a job for the past three months, right? Anyways, i’m really hoping for one job in particular, but so far they haven’t called me for an interview. i already gave notice, so i really need this, but i’m just trusting God to get me through this because i can’t do this on my own.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
yes!
Both of my title search letters came back and it didn’t even take 6-8 weeks!!! so next i need the inspection and estimate of value, but alas i have no money until Friday because i had to pay my stinkin’ car insurance (“oh, you don’t need to make a payment this month, but did we mention IF YOU DON’T NEXT MONTH WE’LL CANCEL YOU!” and they raised my obligatory monthly payment… figures). So this time next week hopefully it will be bonded! hurray!
Friday, July 14, 2006
final at last
Friday, July 07, 2006
A story about "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest"
So, i took in a midnight viewing, chatted about Eldest (because i was reading it while i was waiting and the people behind me were in the middle of it), and was a bit shocked by what i saw. As far as sequels go this was not the best… but it most certainly not the worst, either. It had several good moments, was cornier than the original, and a maddening yet awesome conclusion. Let’s just say it’s growing on me. It was neat to go when i did because the crowd was loud (duh! don’t go to a midnight viewing and expect it to be quiet) and many seemed to appreciate it even more than i did.
And the only SPOILERS you’re going to get from me…
As a side note, i was a little upset not to see more of Orli (sorry, Bloom) climbing the sail (because it was in the preview) but that really was not important to the plot, i just happen to be a Bloom fan. But this nowhere equates to how upset i was to see AGAIN SPOILER Elizabeth flirting with Sparrow and what became of that. My heart just broke for Will. Sorry for the yelling, but it did. Everyone seemed to do things that were a bit out of character from the first film, but hey, characters change, look what happened to Vaughn on Alias (but that’s a whole ‘nother casket of bones).
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Why I admire Hugh Jackman
i just watched X-Men and X-Men 2 for the first time in a couple of years and was absolutely blown away by Mr. Jackman’s performance. It had been a long time since i had seen them but i finally got around to buying the movies and appreciate them a lot more after seeing X-3. He really is the lead character in these movies. i also feel like he was the only reason Swordfish is worth seeing. Next on my list of movies to buy is Kate & Leopold, another movie in which he absolutely rocks. i’m also really looking forward to his new Woody Allen movie with Scarlett Johansson (Scoop).
Saturday, July 01, 2006
why don't i write more?
Click again
That's right, you heard correctly, Sunday the 18th of June i shopped around and "purchased" a Sony Vaio laptop eighteen months same as cash. So far i haven't paid anything except for the mouse. And i love my new computer so far, i've been wanting to buy one for over three years, but now of course i have to work so i can make payments and--let's face it--my job stinks. i work more than ten hours a day, four days a week normally, but an extra day when someone gets fired or quits or calls in sick/"family emergency"/drunk. The district manager doesn't like the fact that the cooler doesn't get stocked and the ice doesn't get bagged every night, okay, so i stay late to do it, and then she gets mad about that. There's no way for me to do all my work! This will be even more impossible when school starts, working over forty hours a week (because those ten hour days don't include paperwork and stocking). But i'm too busy to clean, work too late to apply for jobs, too stressed to sleep and get up early enough to get anything done. The three day weekend i now possess keeps me sane, but how long will that last? The woman i haven't even finished training is already talking about leaving! The new assistant manager is a joke, she can't do her job. The manager is going to quit or get demoted after she enjoys next week in Vegas. And i still haven't gotten back the $200 that my former assistant manager stole from my drop.
i'm so tired of letting everyone walk all over me, take advantage of me, and pulling me down. i don't want to be stressed, i don't want to be angry, i don't want to be a career woman. Watching Click again tonight at the drive in... it's so clear that Kate Beckinsale's character is a stay at home mom and they don't make an issue of it, it's natural, it's the way things are supposed to be, there's no angst about it except for the fact that the Dad is never home or helps out. Morty tells Michael "Your life was on fast forward long before I met you"... that's how my life feels. i'm always waiting for my life to begin, for something good to happen, and it never does. i love living and i am so grateful to God for all He has given me but i hate my life. How can i be a wife and mother if i have no husband? How could i act/produce/direct films if i'll never be able to get to LA or NYC? How am i supposed to write something worth publishing when i don't have time or energy to write, let alone a good story idea? How am i supposed to take care of a dog when i can't even take care of myself? i'm always dreaming, and lately it's been so very important to me to actually strive to achieve these dreams, but where am i going? Am i doing the right things? Why do i always feel so guilty when i'm just trying to be happy??? and not necessarily for myself, but like in Nacho Libre, i want to do it to help others, too. Is that so wrong to ask?!? Why did God give me these dreams if i am not meant to achieve them? How am i supposed to stop being depressed and angry and downtrodden by my life? i try so hard and nothing ever seems to get better because as soon as something does get better the next moment it gets ten times worse.
My body is constantly in pain. i know i should be eating better, and exercising, but again, where is the time? i want to buy a longboard and a ski pass this winter: more money that i will have to work for. i feel like i'm selling my soul just to get by. Here i am, a capitalist through and through, and i hate corporate for being so single-mindedly focused on making money that they forget that what's most important is a satisfied customer. i don't get lunch/dinner, i don't get a potty break, i don't get a break at all, and they try to pin drive offs on me (but won't make all the pumps prepay), try to make me work less hours while doing more than humanly possible, cheat me out of money i didn't steal, and won't fix the receipt printers, videocameras, car wash, etc. The whole station needs to be remodeled. We need more than one employee on duty at once. i need this job so much that i have to be willing to put up with anything.
How do i take my life out of fastforward? Sometimes i have wished that i could be like Forrest Gump and jog crosscountry on a whim. "I just felt like running." But i wouldn't be able to get one block without running out of oxygen or getting a cramp. i don't want to get sucked into the "must have more than the Jones'" mentality but i can't even support myself and there's so much i want. i want to travel the world. i want to own hundreds of beloved dvds and cds and write about why they have changed my life. Why do i have to be such a foolish dreamer? But i can't change who i am no matter how hard i try and no matter how many times i put my hope in God nothing changes. Life keeps passing me by on fastforward, a life i don't want, can't control, can't change. i want to rewind and start over, i want to wake up from a dream and realize that i'm still in high school, thin enough to run around the softball field and not get out of breath, naive enough to know that anything is possible. No matter how hard i try nothing will ever be enough to get me through this darkness; i've always known this. i still try: i don't know what else i can do. But i am nothing, God is everything. It goes back to Coach Carter again, my greatest fear is that i will fail.
i have so much more to say but no words to put them into. Words are never enough, no matter how much i struggle to put pain into prose. The one thing that should never have to be said is this: no matter how bad things get or what i have to go through, He still has all of me.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
A story about the last time I consumed "Chicken Little"
i should say that i “tried” to consume this. After about half an hour i gave up. Even with the voice talents of several actors that i like this could not hold my interest and didn’t seem to be going anywhere. i already know the ending, so maybe that didn’t help, but it felt like they were trying to rip of Pixar and were failing at it badly.
don't be envious, but...
this has never been hard for me, even though i’m fat it’s a stretch i can always pull off. What i sometimes have to work towards a bit is feet together, hands flat on the floor. If i couldn’t touch my toes it would be really wierd.
not terrible, not the best
i had heard this was bad so much that i actually expected it to be bad: it wasn’t. It wasn’t the best movie of all time, and it was a little strange, but i think i’d rank it alongside Swordfish… a bit disapointing but still with enough umph to be good. Plenty of twists and turns, great quotes from Domino in the special features (she sounds like a kindred spirit), and in the same style as Man on Fire. Enjoyable, but neither Scott will never be a favorite, just worth a look-see.
everything is excellent
This film was absolutely hilarious but also had lots of depth. It was riveting to see the countryside, how American everything was for the young people and how traditional it was at their destination. The question “is the war over?” was heartbreaking but at the same time you have to wonder why anyone would cut themself off from the world like that. But to live in fear for decades! “Alex” made the movie, and Elijah Wood was stunning. How can anyone be that blank? What it’s hard for someone who doesn’t act to realize is that everything the actor is thinking is picked up by the camera and to be so totally expressionless… it can only be accomplished by someone who has mastered the art of acting, actors struggle for years to master the skill. All in all this was a fun rigid search.
the Remote Woman reports
This movie was pretty awesome. Sandler’s usual style of humor has been toned down but is still there. This movie is acutally science fiction at its best but i doubt many people would label it that way. All the actors deliver excellent performances, the settings are incredible (though a bit predictable), and the story definitely has heart and humor. Definitely worth checking out.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Kristi/Kristine needs
doing something and exactly how it is to be done.
(that is rather helpful in some situations)
It seems that Kristi needs this type of concrete
feedback to grasp her own progress.
Kristi needs to be patient. It takes a month or two
for most big companies to write a check. (so it did!
and they still owe me $200...)
The combination of Red?s title animation with its
over 70 filters offers the range Kristi needs to match
the content of any story.
There is a difference between being "bold" and being
"bossy"--Kristi needs to figure that out, fast. (okay,
but you don't have to be so harsh!)
and...
What's wrong with Kristine? Nothing! She is undergoing
the natural process of "letting go and grabbing on".
Kristine needs a mentor who knows that (a) change is a
predictable series of stages; (b) change is a process;
(c) change is individualized; (d) anxiety and
uncertainty are a part of change; and (e) people
involved in change need personal and technical
support. Such a mentor can help Kristine. (Wow, where
do i sign up?)
Kristine needs to make one to hang in the shop. (from
a knitting blog... but i don't have a shop)
Maybe Kristine needs to find out how Texas deals with
child molesters.
Kristine needs to concentrate on her psychiatry
assignment. Kristine needs to find a boyfriend to
obsses about. Kristine doesn't know what she needs.
Kristine needs the lead-time!
Friday, June 16, 2006
stuck in my head
as the thunder rolls ~ i barely hear You whisper through the rain ~ "I’m with you" ~ and as Your mercy falls ~ i raise my hands and praise the God who gives ~ and takes away
i’ll praise You in this storm ~ and i will lift my hands ~ for You are who You are ~ no matter where i am ~ every tear i’ve cried ~ You hold in Your hand ~ You never left my side ~ and though my heart is torn ~ i will praise You in this storm
i remember when ~ i stumbled in the wind ~ You heard my cry ~ You raised me up again ~ my strength is almost gone ~ how can i carry on ~ if i can’t find You
as the thunder rolls ~ i barely hear You whisper through the rain ~ "I’m with you" ~ and as Your mercy falls ~ i raise my hands and praise the God who gives ~ and takes away
i’ll praise You in this storm ~ and i will lift my hands ~ for You are who You are ~ no matter where i am ~ every tear i’ve cried ~ You hold in Your hand ~ You never left my side ~ and though my heart is torn ~ i will praise You in this storm
i lift my eyes unto the hills ~ where does my help come from? ~ my help comes from the Lord ~ the Maker of Heaven and Earth
i’ll praise You in this storm ~ and i will lift my hands ~ for You are who You are ~ no matter where i am ~ every tear i’ve cried ~ You hold in Your hand ~ You never left my side ~ and though my heart is torn ~ i will praise You in this storm
~ Praise You in This Storm (Casting Crowns)
that pesky little question
Firstly, because i've always wanted to see what it would be like! i've always thought that Demi Moore looked sexier with a shaved head (as seen in G.I. Jane). Sigourney Weaver shaved her head in one of the Alien movies (the third one, i think). Natalie Portman shaved her head for V is for Vendetta (which i haven't seen yet) and looked fabulous. Geneva Locke and Kyley Statham had their heads shaved for Dark Angel. i wanted to know what i would look like, had been wanting to do it for years, and decided that it was finally time to take the plunge. If not now, when?
Secondly, i am not a lesbian, nor a skinhead, i'm just trying something new.
Thirdly, i'm always hot in the summer, especially when my hair is on my neck.
My mother thinks that it's important for a woman to cover her head with long hair--if not a head covering--as specified in 1 Corinthians 11. Some might argue that since i have prophecied with my head uncovered in the past i should have my head shaved anyway. But covering my head would also indicate submission to my father that--let's face it--isn't exactly there anymore as i have chosen to be in submission to God alone until i am married. i don't consider myself to be under my father's authority anymore, not since i moved away. This passage also says that a woman's hair is for her glory... i don't want to be glorified right now. i feel ugly. i know that i'm outwardly beautiful, but i feel wretched because i'm sinful, fat, and depressed. i don't want to be glorified, i want God to be glorified.
All Nazarites shave their heads after their vow is fulfilled or if they are made unclean (Numbers 6)... this includes women. So i thought that shaving my head would be okay with God, even if i'm not taking any special vow. Also, i had read in the Bible (Job 1:20-22) references to cutting hair in mourning, which was one of the main thing that attracted to me to the idea in the first place. But then i read a verse (but do not remember where) that led me to believe that one shouldn't cut their hair in mourning... i'm not sure, in any rate when i shaved my head i did it more with the intention of not mourning anymore, of not dwelling on my unhappiness but focusing on God and seeking His will. i don't know if i have accomplished this or if ignoring my pain (which eventually leads to stuffing it back inside) is good or not. Anyways, these were my reasons, i hope they have been informative.
sorry about the silence
what i'm listening to ~ 12 Stones by 12 Stones
Every time i finally get to lock the doors and turn out the lights at work it always seems utterly surreal to me. i never expect the shift to end, it's so endless. Plus the work absolutely drains me so by the time i get home i usually don't feel up to writing but i'm hours away from winding down enough to sleep. Lately i've only been working ten hour shifts, which makes it even worse. But the schedule should change soon, and i might even get better days off (read: the weekend!). This is great because the church picnic at Highline Lake is coming up and i'd like to take the Motorcycle Safety Course this summer.
So... why is it so weird for the shift to be over? i think it's like everything else in my life: at this point, i don't expect the bad / depressing / hard stuff to ever be over, but for it to keep going on forever. Which scares me because if (no, when) i do ever get through this hard stuff will i even notice? Will i suddenly be ecstatically joyful? It seems impossible, but it's all that i live for.
Mom told me yesterday that she doesn't read this blog very much because in RL she'll think i'm happy and doing fine and then she'll read here that i'm not. i guess that it's true, in RL i have to just forget about the pain and stuff it inside just to get through each day. My boss and customers have said that i'm laughing all the time... i have to laugh so i won't cry. i have to laugh so i won't collapse. i have to laugh so the loneliness won't overwhelm me. i don't feel depressed, i don't have time to be depressed. i don't have time to live. i know that work is my life now, but that's just more depressing if i let myself think about it. So i hold on.
These things don't feel overwhelmingly sad. i do have moments of joy and hope. But mostly i am just numb, overwhelmed, and trying to shut out any moments of weakness. More to come in a few moments...
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
absolutely hilarious
This movie has a much more modern feel to it than Cyrano did: it’s more akin to Knight’s Tale than, say, Elizabeth or a Shakespeare, but the good thing is that this movie is also a lot better and funnier than any of the aforementioned films. The humor of Cyrano was subtle, Casanova is very obvious and in-your-face about it. Miller, Platt, and Olin all deliver in particular… interesting for me to watch because i’m a fan of Three Musketeers and Alias and also have Sin City on dvd. Ledger was also good: makes me want to see the Brothers Grimm more than ever and Ned Kelly again (though it definitely wasn’t as depressing as the latter or Lord’s of Dogtown). Definitely worth checking out.
well acted, well portrayed, still bad behavior
The actors in this production were excellently cast, and the movie was extremely well made, but overall this story was rather depressing and full of immoral behavior. The members of the family who were following their hearts were also adulterous. The members of the family who were upstanding citizens were backstabbing gossipers. Not a pretty picture is portrayed here: darkness lurks beneath all the starched collars and jewels. Ioan Gruffudd blew me away as Phil, and Irene and Soames were especially riveting in their parts. i would guess that this series was fairly true to the books. This miniseries is a perfect example of the fact that just because something is well made doesn’t necessarily mean that it is enjoyable. Three stars because i didn’t “like” it but it’s still worth seeing i guess.
Monday, June 12, 2006
beauty in unexpected places
When i moved to Whitewater, i thought it looked dead. The land is covered with salt that creates a greyish color and doesn’t allow much to grow (it seemed to me). Years ago this was ranch country, but now it’s just empty. And then i moved away to the east where everything is close, covered with trees, and humid. i missed the wide open spaces of desert, blue skies, and emptiness. Funny enough, it was Seabiscuit that really got me, when Chris Cooper is riding across the beautiful but disappearing expanse on horseback. Now that i have moved back i see the beauty here, living in the shadow of the Grand Mesa, the empty is not an enemy. There is beauty here, such as driving home at night and seeing the moonlight glinting off the salt in the ground as if it were snow, or coming over a horizon and seeing the glint of the Gunnison River, or just listening to the wind blow (and it blows a lot!). This place has little to do with whitewater rafting even if there is a canoe/kayak takeout here. We are more than a little town. We are an expanse of people who have chosen to forsake the city in order to live closer to nature. We have animals, junk in the yard, and just aren’t what most people consider normal. This tiny town is spread out across miles of Colorado high desert, and we like it that way. The emptiness does not consume us, it enriches us. i like Whitewater loads more than i like Grand Junction and Clifton (where crazy drivers abound, even if we are hours away from the insanity of Denver and Las Vegas traffic). And no one tells us to put our dog on a leash or get the junk off our land or to get the weeds removed or the City will do it for you. i’m glad we don’t have to worry about any of the b.s. Here, at least for a little while longer, America is still about freedom.
sequel, please?
Warning: spoilers below.
This book was very strange in that it didn’t feel like the conclusion to a trilogy, it felt like another step. It was a good book, not the best, and raises just as many questions as it answers. What happens to Lirael and everyone else? Does she end up with Nick or Sam? Was this book named after her (the Abhorsen who turned out to be the Abhorsen-in-waiting after all) or Sabriel (who is hardly in it). Where is the disreputable dog going? Good triumphs, and all that, but why on earth do they bury the hemispheres together? Why not simply destroy them altogether or bury them very far apart from one another? Engrossing, but descriptions of the dead hands (which i guess are basically zombies) teeter on the edge of morbid fascination with titilating word play. Good book, though not the best ever, entertaining and worth a look-see at least.
Friday, June 02, 2006
Why I recommend "Nanny McPhee : Based on the Collected Tales of Nurse Matilda"
While this isn’t as good as usual for an Emma Thompson adaptation (let’s face it, these books aren’t exactly literary classics and she did take some liberties) this film is definitely worth a viewing, especially if there are some kids in the house. Colin Firth has somehow perfected the art of portraying a man who doesn’t have a backbone. Angela Lansbury was spot on. Kelly MacDonald and Thomas Sangster were excellent. One of the most interesting things about watching this movie is seeing Nanny McPhee’s transformation: by the end Emma Thompson shines with beauty and grace. This was a tad too Hollywood-dumbed-down for my taste, but if Cheaper By the Dozen or Yours, Mine, and Ours are favorites for you, you’ll love this film, too.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Dumbed Down Da Vinci
After hearing so much about this book, it was nothing like what i was expecting. It was entirely predictable and not suspenseful at all. I had things figured out while the main characters were still reeling and wondering what the heck was going on. It took forever to get to anything... and it turned out that i was listening to an abridged version! If it would have been the full version i think i would have been bored to tears. This is entirely fiction and unbelievable.
The way Mary Magdalene was presented as the wife of Christ was not offensive to me as a Christian, but perhaps this is because i just finished taking Mythology and the way gods and goddesses were presented as equals has become usual to me. i have no trouble with the concept of Jesus marrying a woman other than the fact that it's not biblical. If Jesus wanted to marry someone He could have, but as He didn't it's a moot point. This is only fiction, looking at different possibilities, which i don't think is wrong as long as one realizes that these possibilities are not the truth.
i know little about the beliefs of da Vinci or the other former members mentioned save Sir Isaac Newton: he, i know, was a Christian and gave Christ and other peoples' research the glory for all of his accomplishments. He would not have been the member of a secret society like this unless there were biblical differences as i mentioned.
i am relieved that the pagan rituals weren't outlined in detail, though perhaps it was different in the full version of the book. i don't know why anyone is complaining about there being no sex in the movie; there was no sex in the book! If this is different in the full version, please tell me.
Overall, this book was a poorly written bore masquarading as a hit. The beginning was okay. The middle dragged. The ending was the final straw: it was pointless and dumb and destroyed an already tottering mess. Badly written with a myriad of unbelievable elements, i am not impressed.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
X-3 spoilers below, you have been warned
Okay, this movie was all right, but not great. i had not expected so many deaths and lost powers at all. i also expected (from what previews and promo photos i saw) for the Brotherhood to be working against the X-Men (but of course this was too much to hope). In the final battle Angel's rescue of his father was awesome, Iceman vs. Pyro excellent, and Wolverine was strangely self-sacrificial. i did not expect him to take such a leadership role at all, it's very different for him (the loner).
Of Jean / Phoenix... Scott / Cyclop's death was pointless. It was really awesome how they made her powers look and what they made her do but overall the scene in her house was just dumb. Also, the younger computer generated versions of Xavier and Magneto were terribly fake.
i was pretty upset about Rogue's decision to give up her powers; i understand where she was coming from but she took the easy out imho. When Wolverine was fighting to get to Phoenix / Jean to kill her i fully expected Rogue to show up and absorb her powers because i thought i had read on the internet something to this effect was in the comic books but must have confused it with someone else. This is probably what bothers me the most in that, Wolverine's sacrifice was noble, but Rogue's was selfish. i was never a Jean / Wolverine shipper so this was strange for me to watch.
i felt really bad for Leech and was hoping someone would get him out!
Angel trying to cut off his wings was heartbreaking.
i was shocked by Mystique and Magneto's loss of power but don't think it's permanent. When the Beast's hand was changed it returned to normal after a while. i'm also relieved that Xavier lives on in some way (and if you didn't stay until the end of the credits, shame on you!).