what i think

When i originally read that quote i thought that we are in the complacency to apathy bracket but in hindsight i think we're in the apathy to dependency bracket... which is very scary to be perfectly honest. But think of how many people blame the government for Hurricane Katrina, expect the government to support the "victims", etc. and ad nauseum. i don't know if the quote was truly written in colonial times, but it seems rather accurate none the less.

i've been watching V for Vendetta a lot lately. V says that "People shouldn't be afraid of their governments; governments should be afraid of their people" and a lot more awesome stuff that sounds straight out of books actually written in colonial times. The point is that i'm starting to get afraid of my government, of the power they have over schoolchildren, and welfare recipients, and the outcome of the war on terror. i don't expect the government to be able to keep me safe from all the wackos out there, but i certainly don't want it to start taking away my freedoms for my own "safety" (which is where it's sliding).

Worse still, the government is stealing my money, money that i know i'm never going to see again (save for the slim chance of considerable changes in D.C.), and it seems that everyone is content to just let them take it. Social Security is going to go bankrupt long before i'm old enough to draw upon it, so i'm getting screwed over. Not only are they taking money from me now (that i need for food and gas and other necessaries), they're taking money from my retirement fund. They're taking money away from me and crippling me because i can't support myself let alone save money or supplies in case of war on the homefront or the complete collapse of the government. i know what the politicians are doing, they're trying to keep me, you, everyone dependent on them. i'm not a conspiracy buff, but i just can't see any other explanation, everything points to it. Democrats are causing it and Republicans are allowing it to happen.

i don't know what to do about it. Sometimes i think of Hyde and becoming an Anarchist but i don't think that's the way. i'm tired of being alone. But what could i do? What can little old me do when no one listens to me? No one listens to me. i just spent the past twenty-four hours upset because of that very fact, but now i don't feel so bad about it. Who am i to expect anyone to listen to me? i don't know everything. i know a lot, but that doesn't necessarily mean that my knowledge is meant to be shared with the world. What i was mad about... i don't even know if i should be hoping for what i felt cheated of. i need to be more patient, have more wisdom, and of course wait... i hate waiting, being patient, and what widom i have only irks me because other people are too stupid to have the common sense God gave me. Which of course makes me an idiot.

i know, i have issues.

i'm having trouble coming to a conclusion. Which is why i hate blogging, why i rarely write anymore... i always have ideas, never have conclusions. i don't have time to devote to my writing, or my art, and i'm quickly getting nowhere in college. Time passes so quickly. i want to say something about the last inch, like in the movie, but i can't remember what it said.

i still don't think that homosexuality is morally right, but i also don't think that people should be imprisoned for it. i don't believe that people of other races are inferior or superior. i think all of us, no matter what our skin color, have been given the same brains, bodies, and minds to live with, that some of us only have better circumstances growing up, educations, chances to use them, and the strength to utilize our gifts from God. Is someone not a great artist or writer or human because they are in an internment camp, or prison, or too poor to succeed, to become known, to fly???

"God is in the rain," that was one of the things i wanted to say. i need God. In five days it will be seven years and i just have to wonder... Have i made the right choices? Have i failed to be faithful to Him? Have i given into fear? i have no answers, no hope, no future, not without Him, now when He is silent. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to say, to ask. i don't know who to be.

i have to finish my two drawings for my Drawing final tonight and i don't want to. i want to watch V again and cry. i want to feel hope that God will prevail, that truth will prevail. i want to stand in the rain and know that God is kissing my face as i lift it to look at him. i know, i'm stupid, i'm lame, i'm sentimental, i'm a drama queen... but i don't know how to be anyone else, any other way, anything but helpless, hopeless, broken, dependent on God. i still need Him.