New Year's resolutions of a sort

i do not normally make New Year's resolutions: i figure that there is no point in putting off until the New Year to start improving upon something that needs fixing today. i've been fighting to fix things in my life for over a decade now, so this post is more of a State of the Lunacy speech. It's been an arduous journey, stumbling around in the dark trying to figure out the answers to questions that seem to have no answers, trying to figure out God's will when He has been so very silent. i'm sorry to say that i don't pursue God as keenly as i once did: i realized a long time ago that the harder i sought Him the more i fell apart when i didn't find Him. i used to blame Him for that, for my inability to find Him, because i was always taught that He would come running when i called. When that proved to not necessarily be the case, my whole life fell apart. Some people would call my opinions towards how God works to be sacrilegious, but i think that very often we take God's Word out of context. We're all stumbling around in the dark whether we realize it or not, and there's no way that any one person has all the answers while they're here on earth, otherwise what would be the point in continuing to live? If you aren't striving and learning then you're wasting precious life.

There were many things that i had to come to terms with in order to reach this point. My quarter life crisis hit me hard, and in many ways is still hitting me. i have no career. i have no relationship prospects. i had to get over Brad and then come to terms with the fact that i was willing to give him so very much that compromised parts of myself that i never wanted to compromise. Because i have no experience in dating or love i didn't realize what i was doing, i was completely blind. It didn't help matters that the man that i fell in love with turned out to be nothing like i thought he was and that i had been ignoring the small warning signs. i'm glad that i didn't end up with Brad now, but it took me a long time to reach this point, i still cannot say that i am entirely over him. It would be very hard for me to articulate just how very much i long to be in a marriage relationship, to not be alone, and where i have slid to as a result without losing all integrity. Yes, i am still a virgin, but i still feel sullied because of how much i gave emotionally and how much lust that i'm trying to deal with right now. i have no idea how to come to grips with my sexuality when i am single and trying to live a pure life, the entire "just ignore it" thing that the church has going on isn't helping me. i've also come to realize that i have some rather unrealistic expectations when it comes to marriage, that i've bought into the chick flick mentality a bit too much.

So my first two resolutions for this year are to more actively seek God again and surrender my lustful urges to Him in an attempt to confine them to His will and guidelines.

One of the most obvious external indicators of the changes that have happened in my life over the past year and a half is my body. It has taken me a very, very long time to come to grips with my weight. The truth is that i thought i was fat since i was about eight or nine, largely because that's what my peers told me and it seemed as if my mother thought she was fat. When i was Katie's age and size i hid my body and lived in humiliation because i did not understand what i had done to become fat or why i couldn't lose the weight. What i did not understand at the time was that i wasn't fat, my body just looked different than the ones i saw around me because i was athletic and big boned and more padded than the stick straight anorexic look that most people seem to go for these days. i would love to have my body from high school back again, but the little known truth is that our body's shape and size is not what determines our happiness. Our weight only has as much power as we give it, we don't have to be obsessed with losing those 10-15 pounds that we don't need to lose no matter how much society is screaming at us to do so. Is it more important to look like a model or be healthy?

i feel vastly healthier than i did after Brad and i broke up, which was at a point in my life where i was depressed and didn't care about taking care of my body. The ironic thing is that, my first big jump in weight gain, i was depressed but trying very hard to take care of my body, i just wasn't going about it in the right way. i have fought very hard not to gain more weight than i have. The things that i blame the most on my weight gain are depression and insomnia, even more than eating junk food or anything else, because i have almost always been active. i used to think that there was something wrong with my body because i didn't lose weight when i dieted and worked out. More sacrilege? Still, it's the truth. i'm starting to wonder if it's all the unnecessary chemicals and growth hormones that are in all the food at the local grocery store that have caused my body to not maintain a healthy weight.

So my next two resolutions are to reapply myself to eating less high fructose corn syrup, unnecessary chemicals--and instead buy natural and organic foods as much as possible--and to reapply myself to my training. i think i've finally come to a place where i am truly happy with my body but know that i have to keep fighting to lose more weight. i will never be the same size as Megan, and i'll probably never be the same size as Katie again, but maybe i can get below 200 pounds and get back into size 14 or 16 and just be healthy and happy. To that end i believe that i'll start training for Olympic length triathlons but only compete in Sprint length ones until i can improve my performance... say at least come in the top 75%! lol

My last three resolutions are to expand my social circle, write more, and balance my selfless and self-protective natures.

i have always felt a bit socially awkward, and to be honest playing WoW has exacerbated that. Throwing myself into the game, i thought i had a lot of friends, when in reality they were just nicer to me than most people are. There was no real connection or hold between us. Everything there has fallen apart time and again, and there's always two or three jerks that have to bring out the worst in me. One of the reasons that i didn't make a very good actress is because i was afraid to look bad: Emma Thompson and David Tennant have proven to me that the ugly parts of a person can make them all the more beautiful. i need to stop caring so much about what people say about me because very often they do it just to get a rise out of me and it makes me uglier than if i would have let it slide off my back.

So i'm quitting WoW, probably for good, and that was part of the deal i made with God when i decided to apply for the job at WoW.com: i have been considering leaving the game for a long time, and i promised Him that if i didn't get the job that i would finally quit the game. i want to try to make more friends my own age, or maybe just within my own interests. Let's face it, i am and have been and will always be a geek. Gaming will just become a smaller part of my life, just as it always was before i took up WoW. Now i will seek relationships based on shared faith, or interest in reading/writing, or in knitting, or in triathlons. Of course i also have two more semesters of school to get through, and a lot of what i can accomplish will depend on what my school-load is like.

i have been so grateful with my friendship with Katie these past few months. i also hate being sick, and cannot wait for this stupid cold to go away and the semester to start so i can start training again. i have several knitting projects that i'm looking forward to working on soon. i'm trying to make healthy choices and continue to grow as we enter a new decade... even though that decade technically doesn't begin until a year from now. (;

so irritating

Was looking for a forum or blog about being a virgin... there is WAY too much out there that screams that there's something wrong with someone if they're a virgin at my age, that you must be ugly, stink, or brainwashed by a repressive religion. i am so tired of being single, but have no prospects, never have had any prospects except for the once (and we all know how that turned out). i am a virgin by choice, and it doesn't mean that i have no sex drive! i am very frustrated and really, really want to meet the right guy and get married already!!! But i am also committed to making sure that i find the man that God wants me to marry and remaining pure until we are married. I WANT A MALE VIRGIN THAT DOESN'T HAVE MORE BAGGAGE THAN I DO. i'm sick of the warped mindset that pervades our culture. Casual or premarital sex of any kind is not good, sex is sacred.

The more i think about Brad, the more i want him... Why? Because i am so desperate to not be alone and he is the ONLY guy who has EVER shown the slightest interest in me. Okay, there was one guy who was nice to me last semester, but as it turned out he has a baby with his girlfriend. The problem is that i'm sure that Brad isn't right for me but i still love him anyway and i am way too desperate, no matter how hard i try to be patient, it just doesn't work. So basically, i'm either feeling like there's no hope at all, why even bother looking, or feel hopeful but so impatient that i am borderline desperate. Is it too much to ask for to find a guy who loves God and me enough to wait?

never save anything for the swim back (Vincent, in Gattaca)

Should be studying for my Brit Lit midterm but i can't really bring myself to care. i wrote Brad a couple of days ago, again last night, and feel torn about re-opening channels with him. i feel like i'm being dumb, but it's what a small piece of me has always wanted... to get a happy ending with him. The irony is that i am actually seeing the possibility of some life choices that probably would not be compatible with being with him (perhaps anyone). Even talking about this is stupid, i don't even know that he's interested or worth pursuing. i'm just remembering what it was like to start getting to know him, when i realized that i could be happy with a simple life on a farm, with giving up my dreams of being an actress. i have no overwhelming desire for fame for its own sake, or riches to squander; i just feel the overwhelming need to write, and any excess that i find myself blessed with would go to those less fortunate than myself.

i'm so tired, i guess i probably always just saw Brad as an out, a rescue, a knight in shining armor if ever i had such delusions, but then... he never seemed to want to fit that bill.

i've been thinking

It's not really fair of me to try to label Brad's feelings when he isn't capable of or chooses not to express them to me. Unfortunately, he is the only boyfriend i've ever had, and our relationship was not exactly a conventional one. i lack the experience to handle the complexities of our interactions in a wise manner. It really puts me at a disadvantage when someone who is five years younger than me has more relationship experience than i have yet still chooses to act like a child. Still, it is not as if i am completely innocent in the matter, seeing how i threw myself at him when he was sending exponential signals that he wasn't even really interested.

This is why all i have ever wanted is to have a relationship with one man that is the right man for me, marry him, and not have to waste my time on the dating game. i don't believe in the war of the sexes and will never be able to do well at it had i wanted to participate in the first place.

drained... and stuck in my head

Well there was finally an e-mail today from the people who organized the 9 12 Project meetup, and they have been working on a website, so that is a relief. There is so much i wanted to write about yesterday afternoon while i was at work, so much that i heard on the radio that i wanted to respond to. i hardly recognize this country anymore.

Today i am exhausted, and don't remember or care to write about any of it. i'm so ready for the weekend, but of course even the weekend doesn't bring any rest. i've been praying, but then that doesn't bring any answers either.

Lately i have been thinking about Brad. For a while there was nothing i could think of to endear myself to him, there was nothing that i liked about him anymore. Now i don't know, i hardly remember what it was like to talk to him face to face. We had a lot of problems, there were a lot of things that i didn't like about our relationship that i couldn't change, and i don't want to be in a relationship where i want to change the man i'm with. But i would be lying if i said that i never loved him, that i do not still love him. i've been listening to a lot of music from while we were together, right after we separated, and i can still feel that. To be perfectly honest i don't know what to do about it. A part of me wants to reconnect with him, to try to patch things up, because i still love him, but i have a feeling that it would never work. i don't think that he loves me, he is closed off. The way he treated me is not the way a person treats someone that they love.

i have been abandoned quite literally, first by him, now by my sister and online "friends." i feel like i am getting nowhere in WoW, the leaders of the guild never schedule raids when i can be online, i'm now working an extra day a week, so instead of things getting easier they're getting even harder. i cannot keep doing this, i cannot sustain this. i don't know what to choose for my research paper for American Lit, i don't know how to do all my homework while i'm working, i can't find time to get on WoW, i don't get enough sleep, i don't have the time or energy to run, my life is a mess.

Brad used me; whenever he got drunk he would get depressed and come unload on Megan or me. i'm not saying that i don't care about what he's going through, but in the same token i have never been allowed to share what my needs are because he would just shut me down and ignore me. Every time i hear about how he's doing, he's still acting childish, he still seems to want to use me instead of share a life or even friendship. i can dream of what could have been, but rationally i have no reason to believe that such a future is even possible.




i keep thinking about Evanescence's Lithium: she sings about trying not to forget how she found herself when she was in the dark, how she doesn't want to let go of that as she gets "healthy." A perfect picture of my relationship with Brad is their song "Call Me When You're Sober." But when i listen to Ingrid Michaelson's "Die Alone," the lyrics say "don't be a fool girl ~ tell him you love him ~ don't be a fool girl ~ you're not above him," and i'm wondering if i'm just being a fool, if i'm too proud to forgive him for how he hurt me. i want to forgive him, even though he did the unthinkable. i don't know if that says more about me in terms of mercy or pure desperation.

Then there's the song i heard on K-Love earlier this week: "why are you looking for love ~ why are you still searching as if I'm not enough ~ to where will you go child ~ tell me where will you run ~ to where will you run." It's hard for me to listen to the mockery contained in a lyric like that; i fully believe it even while it's not apparent or "true" in my own life. i don't know how to look for / run to God anymore, i don't know how to pray to Him, because i never get any response. i have to be honest in my prayers, or i get a niggling of guilt, and i would rather "cover my hand with my mouth" than continue begging Him to respond.

In spiritual terms, i am not running anywhere, i cannot even get off the ground. i alternate between prostrating myself on the ground before Him and trying to crawl in the direction i think He must be. But what do i know? When it's pitch black because you're blind and utterly silent because you're deaf and you're in the midst of sensory deprivation then what do you have to go on? Spiritually that is where i am, for all i know i am caged, or falling through an abyss, because i might as well be when He does not respond or lead. He doesn't fulfill the promises He gave in the Bible, but maybe i shouldn't assume that those promises are meant for me, maybe they are only meant for the people He gave them to. i don't dwell on these things, because i don't want to be angry at God, i don't want to be blasphemous in my truth, i don't have the luxury of collapsing under the burden i carry, with no relief in sight, and i don't have the luxury of sitting back and waiting for Him to rescue me. A part of me wonders what the point of waiting is after a decade, whether He ever will come back to me (i always have felt in a sense like this is a sick, twisted version of the prodigal son)... but then i have to remember that i'm nothing without Him, that i can't do this on my own, and that's the entire reason my entire life has been so bad for the past decade, where all my tries have failed.

So what's the point of trying at all? Of course, what am i going to do, wander around in the desert like John the Baptist or run from coast to coast like Forest Gump? i don't ignore my life like that. We are meant to strive, we are meant to pursue, if i cease to do that then i cease to be. i don't know if i have already been destroyed in the fire, that's the way it feels, as if i have been melted away with the dross, but i have to have faith that God knows what He's doing in my life.

"Anything is better than to be alone"... she sings about forgiveness. i came to that a long time ago, i'm not mad anymore. Yet coming to what seems like it would be a life-shattering and -changing choice has changed nothing at all. i'm still in the same place. i never reach decisions or realizations that change everything. And i wonder if it's as simple as in the song Lithium, if i can just choose to let go of the darkness, of course she also singing about only knowing herself in the dark. And a part of me would rather have the dark, and a place where i can be honest with myself, than all the superficial things that i am striving for. i'd rather have spiritual and emotional truth than an empty life that is "successful." i like myself the way i am, angry about corrupt politicians, striving to make myself a better person, desperately wanting to fly in the face of authority but restraining myself as to not offend.

It's so funny, i'm always trying not to offend other people and no one gives a care about offending me... they do it all the time unapologetically. People treat me like something stuck on the bottom of their shoe, are rude, and it's construed as my fault, my problem. i keep remembering what my mother told me as a child, that it's rude to tell someone that they're being rude... Why is that? Wouldn't it be better to be honest, to call them out on their utter b.s., than to put up with it?

Succumbing to politics because the example fits: on Boortz this morning was a former adviser of Margaret Thatcher's, Christopher Monckton. He was talking about Global Warming, how Al Gore won't respond to his challenge to a debate, how the thermometers that are monitoring the huge "rise" in temperatures are purposefully positioned next to manmade machines and urban developments that will artificially raise the temperature, how the scientists have manipulated the figures from decades ago in order to make their findings appear legit. These scientists are perpetrating a gigantic hoax for fame and glory. He has found 35 errors in An Inconvenient Truth. So, are Boortz and Monckton wrong to call these people liars? That's what they are, and so many people believe them.

i think that one of the biggest problems with out country right now is that the people who know the truth are silenced. It isn't socially acceptable to be the voice of dissent, to not be politically correct, and as a result so many people are simply ignorant of the truth. Take that video i posted yesterday: with everything that Congress has done in this year alone, how are we not marching to DC right now? It's insanity. We're letting them get away with things that are illegal. What are we going to do about it? Anyway, that's what i'be been trying to figure out.

i hate February

i am really, really tired of being single. i don't know that i even have time to date, i barely get my homework done, and what i do read doesn't stay in my head long enough to pass a quiz on it. i'm tired all the time... last night i was falling asleep at the keyboard, so it's just as well that the people i meant to interact with were absent because i was in no shape for any real conversation. But still, i hate being alone. Of course, i always have been alone, so a part of me wonders how i can even know that i would like being in a couple. When i think back on those two weeks... i was mostly reveling in it, but a part of me knew that it couldn't last, that it wasn't real. And of course another Valentine's Day is about to pass, i still have never been on a date, i'm inundated with advertisements for roses and Vermont teddy bears and pajamagrams. i wish that it was all over with, because i hate the superficiality of all that junk, and yet i can't help wishing that just once i could experience that and actually feel some happiness about it. In U.S. Lit we read Dickinson, and our teacher confessed that she would love to receive one of the poems in a Valentine (might have been this one, i'm not sure). Today, in Brit Lit we read Lord Byron, and i felt the same.

i responded to a personal ad today: i thought it was written by someone i knew. For about an hour and a half i had some hope, not that i was expecting anything... but that hope is already gone. Anonymous e-mailed me back and isn't interested, and he isn't the guy that i thought he was. So do i pursue the guy (that i thought he was)? i've been thinking about it for a while. i don't want to be the pursuer, but i doubt he knows that i'm interested. i'm not even sure he's available.

No one is going to want me because of my history with depression and my apparent tendency to be a drama queen. Plus am i even really over my ex? /sigh i'm tired in so many different ways.

read in my book for Creative Writing... and responded to

i just read Why I Write. In a way, i identify with her (the author, Joan Didion). i'm not an intellectual. i would say that i'm not a mundane, but i'm not an intellectual. i'm very aware of the "periphery," in fact the periphery is often what enables me to get up in the morning, or in better times, completes my life with moments of pure joy.

It may be hard for anyone to understand how someone can be happy and depressed at the same time, but there are always times in my life where i have managed it. i can be depressed about where i am in life but overjoyed to be walking through a park with the sun on my face. i can hate my job and adore the book i'm reading or the music i'm listening to. It all depends on one's focus: should i focus on the dark or the light?

i am still in the dark but i am ignoring it. There was a period of time where i felt as if i generated my own light, as if my eyes reflected my passion, as if my shoulderblades where constantly on the cusp of being ready to burst into flamed wings, as if i am marked by God with stars and circles and crosses and that these markings glow forth with His light, sealing me as His.

i don't feel those things so much anymore. The dark seemed to tame me for a while, seemed to dominate everything in my life. For a while i was happy with my ex, and being with him gave me a hope unlike anything i had every experienced, but even that came to an end. My wings were clipped and i crashed through the abyss once more.

i have finally come to a point where i am not exactly happy, but i am not letting the dark pull on me. i'm not overwhelmed anymore, despite the fact that one bad thing happens after another, somehow i am holding it somewhat together for a change. In some moments i despair at my loneliness, wonder if my life will always be like this, but i am starting to dream again, to prepare to build something better. Who knows if any of it will work out, but it's enough for now.

It's funny, i've been thinking about my ex, and no longer want him back, but a small part of me keeps thinking that one day he's going to beg to have me back. Maybe that's just conceited of me. i know that some people hate me because of the state i was in after it happened, i know that all i did was talk about him, well now i feel ready to move on, and i feel as i have come out in better shape of the two of us, even if he does have a job that pays well now, he's reportedly still miserable.

i had a dream a couple of nights ago that i had a baby boy. It was a weird dream, there was no father, no name, I didn't feel as if the baby was a part of me, I felt out of place. Sometimes I wonder if i'll always be alone or if someday i'll meet the right person. i feel bad about the way i ignored Wade, but i didn't ask for his advances and had too much baggage at the time. Maybe now i would be ready for a relationship, but i still think that i have yet to meet the right guy.

And of course there's the greater question: will i ever feel / hear the Holy Spirit ever again (on this side of death)? From what my Sunday school teacher said yesterday, one might lead me to believe that all of this is my fault, that i'm not doing the right things. James 4:7-10 says:

So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor.

What am i supposed to believe about this passage? How can i come close to God when i can't find Him in the Bible, in prayer, in worship? i don't know of any great or minor sin that is dividing us, and had i known of such i would have long ago repented of it. i have shed so many tears, have begged God to tell me what i have done wrong, and still there has been no response. i have been forced to conclude that the problem doesn't lie with me, that God is doing this on purpose, and i must admit that at times i wonder if His motives are entirely noble. See, i have done everything the "right" way, or tried desperately hard to do so. i know that i'm not perfect, i make mistakes, and right now i kind of had a bad attitude as a result to following the rules and getting the opposite results of what was promised, but i'm still trying. i'm utterly humbled, it's taken me so long just to get to a place where i can even think of trying to stand up again, and still i have received no honor. i don't see how my loyalty is divided by God and the world when i look for God everywhere and He made everything.

i keep thinking, i've wasted so much time trying to find God, trying to figure out what He wants, was there something that i was supposed to be doing that i wasn't? If so, i must not have gotten the memo. Megan and an online friend and i were talking about the end times the other day, and i'm not ready for it to happen. i used to wait for it with bated breath, constantly wonder if "today is the day", but now... please no. If so, what was my life for? What have i accomplished? i have written no books, i have found no answers, i have not changed anything. Had i lived in Biblical times, or even a couple hundred years ago, i'm sure that i would have been stoned or hanged or burned at the stake. i refuse to be silent, to be fettered. Still, as crazy as i know it sounds, i feel as if i have let God down, all the while feeling as if He has let me down. i'm not strong enough, He should know that, while the Bible would lead me to believe that i am strong enough. But Satan isn't fleeing me, God isn't making a way, i am still just stuck here wondering what on earth i'm supposed to be doing. Maybe i'm still not humble enough, or patient enough, but i still don't know how to take being more humbled, and i'm still sick of waiting.

Of course, maybe that's why i'm still single and not a mother, i'm not patient enough to have kids, lol. It's crazy where my mind goes. And now it's time to go to class, even though i just figured out a few minutes ago that i read the wrong pages. Oh well, this class is easy mode anyway, i'm sure i'll be fine.

my New Year's resolutions for 2009

i don't usually do New Year's resolutions. My general mentality is that if something in your life is worth changing, there's no point in holding off for the new year to come around. However, this year, i am ever increasingly mindful of the fact that i am still single and the big 30 is just around the corner. i know, i'm only 27, and i have three years left, but what if i'm never married? Am i always going to be waiting to try things after i'm married? Is everything important going to be forever delegated to the realm of "once i get my own place"? i don't know if i will ever be able to afford my own home, not when i have dead end jobs now and student loans to pay after i graduate (hopefully in May 2010). i can't keep waiting for my life to begin, yet that's all i have been doing for as long as i can remember. It's time for something to change, to get to my goal #15 at 43 Things - stop procrastinating and get organized!. So, in this vein, i actually have some New Year's resolutions to make.

1 - get rid of clutter and get organized

i know this will not be cheap, to get storage in the form of Rubbermaids or baskets, but it needs to be done. Cardboard boxes that are falling apart are cluttering up my walkways; they aren't pleasant to look at or trip over. i have too much stuff, i want to simplify, and working at a place like Hobby Lobby it has become painfully obvious to me how much money people spend on junk that they really don't need. Sure, sometimes the junk is pretty (sometimes it's soooo not), but it's still not necessary. i live in a really small space, i don't need to fill it with things that i don't need anymore, and i don't want my space to be a mess.

2 - live conscientiously

Okay, part of my problem with fulfilling resolution #1 is where am i going to find the time? In a couple of weeks i'll be going to school full time, and i may have a part time job at the same time. i'm not even sure i can handle that workload, let alone feel like i have a life or have time for relaxation. The trouble is that when i get home i am exhausted and want nothing more than to fall into bed and play WoW or watch a tv show/movie, etc. There's not necessarily anything wrong with those things, but it contributes to my mess when all i do is toss stuff down anywhere. When clothes come out of the dryer, i need to fold them and put them away immediately. When i drop something, i need to pick it up. Everything needs to have a place and i need to put it there so i can find it, not lose it or damage it. So no more letting things slide because i'm tired (/sigh).

But there's other aspects to this goal, as well. i'm going to be talking about them a lot in this blog. For one thing, i'm sick of just following everyone else and not thinking through my actions. Do i really need to be bringing home/using plastic bags? Should i be drinking water out of little plastic bottles? i want to start conserving and Re-Using, and there's no point in putting it off any longer.

3 - live healthy... and hopefully lose weight

i.e. ban high fructose corn syrup from my diet (this means Coca-Cola, among other things) and cut back my portions and intake of unhealthy foods (such as those that are fatty, fried, and meat, which i eat entirely too much of ). For the past couple of weeks i've been eating fast food nearly every time i go to work, gradually gaining back the ten pounds i lost when running three times a week this fall. i need to lose weight, perhaps not to get a perfect body, but to at least get below 200 pounds. But even if i don't see results--ever--i still need to keep running, keep moving, keep making smart choices for my body. It would be easy to just give up, keep drinking Coke every day of my life, but i'm not going to do that. Just because i feel like a failure when it comes to my body doesn't make i can give up.

4 - conquer my brown/black thumb and replace it with a green one

Growing my own food is something i've been wanting to try for a couple of years and would be healthier than always buying from the grocery store. i'm not sure i can compost here, because my dad feeds everything to the chickens and goats, but that is a goal that i have for the future.

i guess that's all i can think of right now, but this is all a work in progress. i'm sooo tired right now, i have many ideas floating around my head and even crammed in the back of my brain, but this is my beginning. Lets see where it goes from here....

Cto5k W5D3

i had no idea how i was going to get through twenty minutes of running, it seemed impossible. The first time i crossed the cattleguard i had to walk for a few seconds because i couldn't catch my breath. As soon as it was under control i pushed on. i stopped for a couple of seconds at the turn around point to get a drink of water and i felt like i could use it. So all together i rested for about 30s, and that was all i needed. The second time i crossed the cattleguard i felt like i could keep going forever. By the time i got to the last hill, though, i was having trouble pushing through it. i had turned around a little too early so i was running up a hill that i normally walk up during my cooldown. But i keep persevering and got through it, week 5 is now complete. It's unbelievable to me that i can say it.

It's also unbelievable to me that after seven weeks of running, i have only lost five pounds at best. It's incredibly discouraging after all the work i've put in. On Monday people were laughing at me and rude, and i was in pain, and i pushed through it. An hour later i got a cramp in my diaphragm. Half an hour after that my back cramped and i fell on the floor in pain, waiting for it to end. On Wednesday i barely finished both of my intervals. Today the last 2-3 minutes were incredibly hard. My left foot was in pain, i'm not sure why, i think my muscles were trying to decide whether they were going to keep working or cramp up on me. i could not have ran any farther, i don't know how i finished to be perfectly honest.

i know that i've made a lot of progress, that my lung capacity has improved, and my muscles can work for longer than ever before, but i still feel like i'm failing. i'm running so very slowly and still can't lose weight. i honestly don't know how i get through each day, it's a roller coaster, one minute i feel fine, and fifteen minutes later i'm depressed, and fifteen minutes later--if i don't let myself dwell on the pain--i feel fine again. But the instant i start thinking about the pain i crash again.

i am exhausted. i have no self confidence, am lonely, am having to force myself to continue to do my school work, i have no hope. i don't know what to do, i can't figure things out, i'm not feeling better no matter how hard i try, i feel like a failure. Next week, we may have a socialist for our president elect, and that terrifies me. This week, i am alone, with no prospects, and that terrifies me, too. i try so hard and my life just doesn't get better. i pray, and God gives me a second wind when i'm running, or maybe even a breeze, and i'm grateful, but it isn't enough. For all i know, something is going to happen to make me fall apart, because i'm barely holding it together, and something worse always happens eventually, always. God still doesn't answer my prayers and i don't have anything else to give and i don't know what to do. As always, just when i think things can't get any worse, they do: they so do.

searching for a husband

Looking for Love Like a Peasant

Subversive Virginity

For months i have been trying to figure out what i did wrong in my one and only dating relationship (HA! there was no dating involved). My ex was utterly uncommunicative on this point, he merely let me know that being interested in how he is doing is "nagging" and being honest about how i feel and expecting him to treat me with respect is "excuses." i keep seeing these ads for an e-book that will reveal how to catch and keep a man... i just get the nagging feeling that the man who wrote the book is saying that all failed relationships are the woman's fault. i don't want to pay to read that; i can't afford to.

So the Christian sites say to be modest... check. Feminine... not my strong point, but i am trying. Though i have always wondered what the point is in wearing makeup, curling your hair, etc., when you're only hiding the real you and i happen to like the way the real me looks save for the fact that i wish i weighed a lot less. i cannot control this, i didn't do anything to gain the weight, and all my attempts to lose it have proven to be an utter failure, even now when i am working so very hard at it. i don't understand the dating game, i have no prospective men in my life, i have no idea what to do, only that i am still far to obsessed with my ex and am wondering why, if "giving up" is supposed to be the answer then i still haven't found anyone??? After all, i never pursued dating relationships in high school or beyond, i never was trying as it was, and i did give up for a long time, which completely broke my heart, so if i'm damned if i do and damned if i don't then what am i supposed to do???

How are you supposed to live your life for what it is today when you have... nothing? i am a peasant, what do i bring to a marriage? i can't find a job. My education will bring nothing to a marriage, i learned how to be a wife and mother from my mother and grandmother. How am i supposed to live the life a wife and homemaker when i have no husband or home? Such a supposition is utterly ridiculous!

One of the articles i read tonight said that you don't need to wait for God's timing to find a husband, that one isn't single because they aren't spiritually ready yet... then why am i still waiting? Why is it that only one eligible male has displayed interest in me throughout my entire adult life, and he obviously didn't really want me and for some inexplicable reason felt like destroying my already fragile self esteem? No, i do not count the attention of the one "Wiccan/Christian" guy that was recently introduced to me because he is in no way eligible.

i don't have a bunch of things that i have accomplished, things i can bring to a relationship, because the one relationship i had never really was one. He didn't reciprocate my feelings, emotionally abused me, never took me on a date or treated me as if i were special. i hate talking about him this way, i keep searching for some explanation (surely there is a reasonable one), but i can't find it. The truth is that he hid my existence from his family and friends, broke his promises, and used me. Sure, he made me laugh, he gave me hope, he came to meet me, but it wasn't enough. A lady needs to know that she is respected, cherished, protected, etc. i still haven't found that.

Where am i supposed to find a guy? Another article suggested going to sports bars, taking night classes, learning how to play poker, and other loads of tripe. i don't like football, i don't want a leering, half drunk male. College has gotten me nowhere with men. i don't gamble. While it is true that i would like to marry a man who is educated, why would i use college as a dating service? i'm there to learn (one can only hope).

i am so tired of waiting. i do not want to hear that it will happen for me eventually, i have already been waiting for over a decade. i do not want to reach the age of thirty only to discover that i am still single and childless. i am not accomplishing anything by being single, i am not able to travel the world, party all night, or anything else that is utterly unfulfilling. i hate being a virgin, i hate burning and trying not to burn and being so stupid as to think that random men and movie stars might one day swoop down and make my waiting worthwhile. If it hasn't happened in the past decade then why would it suddenly happen once i turn 27? It's all such utter b.s. It doesn't matter if i'm thin or fat, if my hair is long or short, if i wear feminine clothing or masculine, none of it has ever gotten me anywhere. i have never had a prospective mate and not for lack of trying (it is now clear that with my ex i was only fooling myself because he did nothing to imply that he actually wanted to marry me).

How is it good for anyone's self esteem to always be the one wanting and never the one wanted, or if i was ever wanted, why have i never ever been pursued? i am so tired of pursuing everyone and everything, God, a husband, a friend, a healthy body, happiness, a story to write, a job, a ministry, anything to make my life worthwhile. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" (Proverbs 13:12), and as a result i am very, very sick. Everything in my life is deferred, i am continually waiting because everything that i pursue, sweat, bleed, and cry for, never ever comes to fruition. i'm living in my parent's attic with thousands of dollars of debt trying to get an education and be selfless, serving the needs of others, how is it helping?

How can i have such horribly bad luck? But i don't believe in luck. "Delight yourself in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4)... only He doesn't. When have i ever gotten the desire of my heart? The last time i can think of was in preschool when i got to be the bunny rabbit in the stupid Christmas pageant, how does someone devote over twenty years of service to God and not get any of their heart's desires fulfilled?!? i feel like i've wasted my entire life, but what was i supposed to do? i love God, i adore Him, i will do anything for Him that He asks, and what have i gotten for it?

i don't want to be selfish: i just want to find a way to survive. i am tired of being depressed, of wondering if i'm going crazy when i feel so sane and normal. i am tired of being so alone when i'm trying so hard to make friends and fulfill others' expectations. i try so hard to fulfill God's expectations, even though i really have no idea what they are anymore. i am so lost. i am exhausted.

Is it too much to ask for a little reward for my hard work?

so my morning pretty much stunk

i got an Anonymous comment already about my last post (i hate anonymity lol, don't know what frame of reference it comes from). i enjoy getting comments, but sometimes i'm not sure how to respond. For instance, why do i need to forgive myself? What did i do "wrong" to require said repentance? i don't understand what Mr./Ms. Anon. was getting at so i can't follow said advice. i also don't understand the boredom comment; interesting concept, but i'm not sure how it applies, as i wouldn't consider myself to be bored. The truth is that i had given up on falling in love and getting married, then God sent Brad into my life, all my dreams were finally coming true, hope was renewed, and then Brad left. What part of that equates to boredom??? i'm very confused.

But i will say the starting over part is exactly what i don't know how or want to do... i am so sick of it. i am sick of trying to rebuild my life only to have it torn apart yet again. What is the point in trying at all if it's all just going to get thrown out and deemed worthless yet again??? This happens to me every couple of years, i never get to completely rebuild, once i finally start to get to a place where i am starting to feel semi-whole and happy it is all destroyed. This majorly pisses me off, particularly when all of it was done while trying to follow God's will, so what is that saying about what is getting destroyed? Was it not God's will? Was it only God's will for a little while? It's such b.s. and entirely cheapens all the hard work i've put into it.

My entire family is hurtful and abusive, should i just get rid of them too? i got up this morning, ate my breakfast, tell a joke, and get told to "go to hell" in response. Yeah, that's pleasant. People keep on treating me badly, saying that i'm acting bad, when i'm not, it's them projecting. i can only be responsible for my own actions. i didn't even respond to any of the rude things that were said to me this morning, it was all i could to get up and walk around, what could they really say to make my life worse? Nothing, because all of my hopes and dreams have already been shattered and thrown in the garbage.

All i can do is keep breathing and have faith in God, and that's all i have strength for. i don't know how to rebuild, i have been trying to do that for over twenty years and still can't figure it out. i don't feel young, i feel old, and exhausted, i have spiritual pneumonia, i am blind, i am lost. i walk through each day either ignoring the pain or being paralyzed it. i try to not think about the man i love, the God who i love with my very being, and just get by. i can do no better. i can't end this, i can't give up, i can't move on, it is not in my capability. If i could move on, i would, but i don't know how. i don't want to love Him or him anymore, it hurts too much, but i can't deny myself and who i am. i am what He made me and what he made me and what twenty-five years of experience have molded me into.

i am so tired of waiting, fighting just to survive, wondering when my life is ever going to begin. My mom mentioned my depression when i moved to Colorado, when i instantly gained fifty pounds. What i felt then was nothing, is so shallow and easy compared to what i live with now. i don't allow myself to dwell on the pain any more than i have to, i just shove down the pain in my chest and keep going, crawling forward inch by inch, even though i know it is only a matter of time before everything i have worked for gets torn away from me again. It is a harsh reality. People tell me that God has something better for me in store, that things will get better, but i can only wonder: when? i've been waiting for my entire life. i've been fighting for over a decade. i don't know why i even try, but i can't stop. i don't know how to stop. i don't know how to be anything but what i am.

and now i feel like crying

i don't know why i clicked on Brad's MySpace profile, but i did, and i got a little surprise. He's now listed as "In a Relationship" and i'm pretty sure that it never said that for me. He's probably up right now, cuz his last log in was today, early as it is. i almost left a comment, but i didn't. All i was going to say was: "In a relationship. Hm..." but i know he wouldn't appreciate it. i could have said something snide, like, "Oh good, now you can go whine to someone else when you get drunk," or, "So you were ashamed of me after all."

Am i burning my bridges? i guess it doesn't matter, he just uses me for whatever he wants and then ditches me. It's already too late because he's never going to say that he's sorry because he isn't sorry.

It occurred to me last night (well, Friday night), while i was listening to Josh McDowell's testimony, that i hadn't even considered forgiving him. It seemed strange to me, because i don't hate him, i don't think i'm holding a grudge, i'm just very, very hurt whenever i allow myself to think about it. What am i supposed to take from this? All i want is to get married and spend the rest of my life with one man, but apparently that is too much to ask. i can't help but think about him, even though i only knew him in person for two weeks everything around me is colored by his likes and dislikes, by what he would say and do in response. Most of the time i am focused on the good times, on how much hope and joy he gave me. When i focus on the darkness, on the anger and hatred and disrespect, i am filled with sorrow.

Only i usually don't really feel it. My emotions are more level now, and i feel as if i am denying a part of myself, cutting myself off. i don't want to cry anymore, which is scary because i don't want to lose that ability ever again. But i don't know what to do, i can't feel like that every day, i wouldn't be able to exist, let alone thrive.

He blames the break up on me. He was the one who walked away. He was the one who wanted six months on hold. And i knew that wasn't what he really wanted, he just didn't want complications, he didn't want long distance, he didn't want me... i should yell at him, curse at him, hate him, but i don't. i just don't understand why. Everything i thought i knew about love, i guess i was wrong. How am i supposed to write when i have no idea what i'm talking about? i had never thought it before, but i guess that i don't understand men, i guess that all my observations of the past 25+ years have betrayed me and i really don't have the slightest idea what i'm doing.

Lol, like that's any revelation.

i hate being alone. i hate not having any friends but don't know how to find any. i hate being single but am not going to dress provocatively or flirt to get a guy. i hate going into a public place and being absolutely alone. i still haven't been on a date. It's hard to believe anything but that he was ashamed of me. It's hard to believe anything but that he came to see me to see how far he could get, to get off as it were (which i don't want to think of him, but is what his actions seem to indicate). i was foolish, i was in love, i was so stupid to believe that we had a future together, to think that when he spoke of farming and opening store that he meant that he wanted me by his side. i feel used and betrayed (and relieved that i didn't give anything more than i felt was morally right). Everything i did, i did it in love, how am i supposed to change that? How am i supposed to be ashamed of that? All that i can see in him now is foolish pride and meanness and hatred. Did he actually ever love me?

i still feel like i'm missing a part of myself. i know that i need God, but i don't feel like there is anything wrong with needing a man, either (read the first few chapters of Genesis, for crying out loud, it is not good for man or woman to be alone). i don't know if Brad is my soulmate, i just don't know if i could trust him anymore even if he came back to me, all i know is that i want to forgive him, i want to get back together, i miss him so very much. i remember when i had to talk to him every night or it would feel like my heart would be ripped out; i still have the echoes of that in me. i still can't see any worthwhile future without him, how sick is that, that i have to have an asshole for happiness? All he would tell me is that there were things going on that i didn't understand, how could i when he shut me out and wouldn't communicate at all?

i did not choose this, i still do not choose it. i broke up with him in response of two months of his hurting me, he kept pushing me away until i couldn't hold on anymore. And now i don't know what to do, how to be alone, how i am supposed to want to be apart from him, how i could ever possibly want another, i don't understand. i still love him and miss him, stupid as that may seem. i don't know how to be anything else.

ugh

Yesterday was horrible. Today i have cramps. i don't want to get out of bed but i'm getting very hungry.

i don't know why, but i have gradually started agonizing about Brad again. i'm not depressed, just regretful as ever. i don't understand why, he has treated me horribly and when he left stopped making me happy. But i still miss him, still care about how he is doing, and no matter how hard i try cannot get over him. There are so many logical reasons for me to be relieved that we didn't work out, little ways that we did not mesh well, problems that i was willing to overlook. i have come to the conclusion that i loved him more for what he could become than what he was, though i was certainly blind to some of what he is. He apparently couldn't accept my body for what it is and considers himself to be completely blameless in the matter, will listen to no criticism whatsoever. i am the one who is a crazy b#&%$, unreasonable, critical, etc. i never thought that it was unreasonable to be critical about being treated like crap. Still, i feel like i am missing something, as if something must be my fault, but i can not discern it at all.

It almost feels like a betrayal on my part not to be emotionally bereft anymore. How can i say that i truly loved him when i broke up with him, am trying to ignore all the hurtful things he still says to me, am desperately searching for a way to move on??? But i do love him, even as i hate what he did, and i did in response, and yet i feel utterly justified and glad that i did it. It's all mixed up, i can't articulate it, i can't even understand it in my own head. It's time to get up now, maybe i'll try again when i feel better.

musings on love, depression, and 9/11

i had a weird dream this morning. i was parachuting/hanggliding/hotairballooning (it was some weird sport that combined the three) and landed in a city and it was a record, the first woman to do it long distance, plus it suddenly became a big deal because of my weight. Some hispanic female anchor said "look at all her jigglies!" and there was an animation of my supposed body fat and shape, and she went on to say how amazing it was that i could even get off the ground. Then we went to another reporter, who had fallen asleep in his seat, and was given animated eyeballs to cover it up, it was hilarious.

i was happy because i was going to see some friends that i hadn't seen in a long time (which aren't real friends, except in this dream, and turned out to be animals). There was a raccoon, snake, some kind of bird, and a brown bear, it was a kind of Kung Fu Panda thing going on, i was supposed to spar with them. Oh, and i also was finally about to go into space. But as i walked up, with all my friends standing around, Bear said something in a huff, turned around, picked up a HUGE toaster oven, and threw it into a bathtub that was full of water and an anonymous bather (only he hadn't let go of the toaster). Everyone gasped, was frozen, unsure how to save him, to stop him, the world was in slow motion... and i woke up.

The dream was so vivid, such a cacophony of subconscious musings that have been rattling throughout my head. i was so happy in the dream. i was upset by the news report, but brushed it off because i was finally going to get to see my friends again! My friends, it turned out, were rather despondent, but things happened so quickly that i couldn't focus on it and react. i had heard earlier in the dream that Bear was mad, but not depressed. Bear's depression had obviously made everyone else depressed and they no longer had any idea how to deal with him. It was as if Bear was waiting for me to get there so he could commit suicide in front of me.



i talked to Brad last night, not about anything important, but about simple things, like how school is going, like how i need to go to the gym, and how crazy it is to live with eight other people. About how he's going to enlist within the next couple of days (as soon as the military gets it's act together and schedules his appointment with the civilian eye doctor) and has a new job. He sounded happier than he has been in a long time, he's working for a friend now in construction, and he enjoys it and is learning new things. i had been worried that he might be suicidal, and was out of contact with him, but he seems to be much improved, though he still enjoys spouting racial slurs. ): i am so torn inside because i love him, but i do not love the way he's acting, and every time he stops acting like an idiot i want to forgive him for all the times that he was. But he hasn't changed enough, i can't deal with his depression and anger, and i don't know that he ever will grow out of that, i don't know if he'll ever realize what he did. Cause and effect, my love....

i know that i did things, too. All he gave me to go on was "critical" and "unreasonable" and my criticisms were reasonable (so it seemed), a reaction to what he was doing. But i got depressed, and i would react to what other people said too, would want to fight against the entire universe because it hurt so much that i couldn't handle it. The way i would get angry, and self-righteous, and critical of everything, it makes me think of how my father acts when he throws a tantrum, he abandons all logic and is consumed by anger. Is that how i was? i didn't throw anything but words, but that can be enough. i want to forget my foolish pride and self preservation and instead love and be selfless... but i don't know how to do that. How do you keep your heart open when even God has hurt you?

i'm not trying to dwell on that anymore, not any of it. No more getting offended because Brad lies to me, because of his hateful comments, because he treats me like crap (that's the plan anyway). No more thinking that God is never going to rescue me, that He will never bring me through this. i don't want this life, going to college, living at home, unemployed, but it is where God put me again. So i try to make the best of it, try to be joyful, try to have hope. Only two more semesters. i enjoy my classes! i keep wondering if i should take one of the student loans that was offered because wouldn't have to work for a while and could pay off some debts and maybe even thrive a little. Of course that would be deferring more debt for later, but it's good debt on my credit report, right?

Finally, on the eve of the anniversary of 9/11, i feel completely safe, yet still wonder if the terrorists are planning something for tomorrow. There is now WTC to down this time, i'm sure their attack would escalate to nuclear weapons, and that is terrifying. i was thinking such a thing would guarantee McCain's victory, that everyone would be patriotic and turn to God again, but not everyone agrees with me. Glenn Beck was reading about some Freedom from Religion group yesterday, pointing out that it was religion that caused the attacks (thus in their mind all religion is bad). Some biased reporter in Hong Kong feels that the Republicans caused 9/11 (how Bush accomplished this after nine months in office while the terrorists had been in the country for years is beyond me).

The truth is that the attack is everyone's fault. It's Abraham's fault for sleeping with that concubine. It's Britain's fault for those dang Crusades. It's America's fault for treating the Native Americans and slaves like garbage, using and abusing them for decades. It's the missionaries' fault for not converting the Muslims... if not for causing more harm all together (i have read about some really hateful and stupid missionaries). It's Clinton's fault for not reacting for nearly a decade. And it's Bush's administration's fault for ignoring the warning signs that had already been ignored for a decade (which also is on Clinton).

Should we close the borders of the Land of Opportunity? Wouldn't America then cease to be anything but an echo of it's former glory? In the same way, how do i close my heart to others, repelling the things that cause pain, without also losing the blessings and love that would also come in?

No one can blame 9/11 on Bush, it is too much blame for one man, it is not wholly his fault, nor it it wholly Clinton's. Centuries of hatred caused this. America has blood on its hands, but we have not been waging war for as long as the Muslim nations have. i would still like to believe that the thing that makes America great is that we learn from our mistakes, we are not set in the bad ways, we change and become greater, rise above, overcome. The Muslim nations cannot say that because they have fallen from their former glory. There was a time where they stopped killing and had great capitals of learning and respect (if my Geography professor was to be believed). Now there are far too many of them who want to kill for their Allah, and whose hearts are full of hatred. Not all Muslims are like this... but then, not all Americans are hateful either. i do not endorse the slaughtering of the "Indians," or the slavery, or the Puritanism, but those are where we came from. Look at where we are now and judge for yourself, if you can, what we have become.

being broke is depressing

So i still don't have any money. No one has called me back for an interview, my background check still hasn't gone through, and being told every day to "come back tomorrow" for my dispersement check (the money left over from my grants, i don't know why they call it that) has made me want to cry. i was having a good day until i had to change after unhitching the trailer (i got grease and rotting plant parts all over myself). i was patient during the drive into town despite the fact that i kept getting stuck behind people who insist on driving 10-15 miles under the speed limit (which is a ticketable offense, btw, it's called impeding the flow of traffic). Then i get here and find out that i still have to wait for my check.

Rush Limbaugh just told off a guy who said he was a hypocrite for being okay with the pregnancy of Sarah Palin's daughter. He responded that we (conservatives) love people even when they make mistakes repeatedly. Teenage pregnancy is more in line with Repbulican ideals than Democratic ones, really, since we don't believe in birth control (other than abstinence) or abortion. i wish the media would stop calling the seventeen-year-old young woman a kid, she's obviously taking responsibility for her actions if she's keeping the child and getting married to the father of her baby. i'm sooo sick of hearing about this story, especially the "her daughter is the real parent of the baby with Downs Syndrome" angle.

The latest news that i heard from Brad is that... i'm critical. Because it's so out of character to criticize someone who treats you badly and breaks all their promises. :rolleyes: The truth is that he takes everything that i say out of context and takes offense when i'm joking around in guild chat and not even talking to or about him. In fact, i've been trying not to offend him, never initiate conversations with him (he usually tells me to not talk to him), and have been trying my hardest not to love him or care what he's doing. But he always ends up hurting my feelings and setting me off on depressing rants. Which of course he never sees because he ignores me or logs off. So i try to take the high road and he pushes me into the mud and i wallow in it for a while.

i hate being depressed. And i'm mostly depressed because i'm thinking about him. i'm trying not to want to be with him anymore, i'm trying to tell myself that the relationship is over for good. i can't wait around for him to grow up and get a clue. i'm not supposed to want the man (pfft, boy) i love to change. i'm supposed to love him for who he is. Unfortunately at this point i am broken and desperate for anyone's affection, i am trying really hard not to wish that i was pregnant. i mean, that would be a mess, i can't even take care of myself, but in my twisted mind at least i would have something to show for the relationship... besides heartbreak.

In Sunday school this last week we ended up talking about me the entire time... not something that i planned or wanted, but whatever. There was only the teacher's wife and another female MSC student visiting, so at least i didn't fall apart in front of everyone. The teacher's wife, she suggested keeping a journal of ways that God has taken care of me/blessed me. That's hard: every positive has a negative attached to it that seems bigger. For instance, i finally get my check tomorrow (hah, i've heard that before, we'll see if it's even true)... i should have had it weeks ago, and i have a shopping list that's going to take it all, and then i'm broke. i can't find a job!

All things considered, i'm surprised that school isn't depressing me. There's so much mind numbing reading to do, that i can't absorb, that takes hours of each day, that isn't fun. i like my teachers and classmates, i don't feel berated and despised for my beliefs anymore, and that is definitely a plus. But even with school only two days a week... can i have a job and get my homework done? i have my doubts, except for the FedEx job, which doesn't appear to be happening. i just saw that Papa John's is hiring delivery drivers and paying $14-17 an hour! Which is a far cry (read: 3x as much) from what i was making the first time i worked there. i wonder if they would even hire me back? Gas costs so much, would it be worth it?

Argh, i hate getting all worked up like this. A diatribe that took me half an hour to write... and i still need to go back home and do my reading.

first day back in class

Well, i overslept a bit (accidentally sent my last alarm to 6:30 pm instead of am... yes, i set three alarms, it takes me a while to wake up), so i didn't have time to shower or have a proper breakfast, but i made it to class on time and have pbj in my purse. So far i have attended Children's Literature and English Literature I and so far i don't feel as if i have missed much. Children's Lit seems to be a review thus far of terms that were drilled in to us in English Composition I and II and Brit Lit has been two poems (that i need to read) and the first part of Beowulf (which i have read twice). i have no idea what will be going on in American Literature I (my next class) but i need to reread some of Romeo and Juliet as that's what is being covered first in Shakespeare (and i haven't read it since my freshman year of high school so i'm a little rusty). i have the same teacher for Brit Lit and Shakespeare and i like her class so far... we'll see about the rest.

Now if only financial aid would get their butts into gear instead of taking three weeks to send me a form that i already had turned in over a week before i got it in the mail. "Oh, we're not responsible for when the mailings go out..." well apparently they aren't responsible for keeping their information up to date either, because it took them two weeks for their system to even register that i had filled the form out, and it should take less than 72 hours. i can monitor them on the internet now and i know how it works, i'm a junior for crying out loud... after two years of being a sophomore, too.

In other news, it's Brad's birthday, and after prayer and advice from a friend of my Mom's i've pretty much decided that (though it hurts) it's about time to just give up on him for good. Haven't really talked to him (except for a text message about his special day), but contact with him as been as strained as it was before the break up, only now his excuse is the break up. /rolleyes Yep, it's all my fault... moving on now (that was sarcasm, btw, except for the last part).

i have no reason to live and am such an idiot

Brad Dobbs is the biggest jerk in the universe and i am stupid enough to be hopelessly and unconditionally in love with him. The stupid idiot got drunk last night and spent the entire night whining to Megan and me about how i broke him, and his life is a dead end, and everything is my fault. (Allow me a second to frame my sentences in a somewhat clean manner....)

He just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand that leaving me, and then proceeding to be rude every day for two months, and shutting out my every attempt to reach him, is utterly his fault. He could have stayed, but he chose not to. He chose to leave. He chose a lousy job and to act like a child instead of being an adult and actually making good choices. It's all on him.

i don't know what i did wrong, but i'm still stupid enough to love him and want to be with him. He apparently doesn't care that he's still using me and still being a jerk. i would still give anything to be with him. i am stupid enough to regret retaining my virginity and wish that i was pregnant or living with him, anything but being alone like this. i have absolutely no reason to live if his love is lost. My relationship with him was the only thing that kept me going ever since the beginning of the year. i have absolutely no reason to live. i can't get good grades in school, i cannot find a job, i cannot support myself, i have no friends, i have no future.

i wasn't looking for a replacement for God, i was just looking for a friend and husband, someone to spend the rest of my life with. But the trouble with God is that he's just as much of a jerk. i have spent the past eight (edit: nine) and a half years in Hell, trying desperately to find Him, searching with all that i am, and He only mocks me. Every time i open my Bible: "do this," and "I have promised this to my faithful... except for you, you don't count." i GIVE UP!!!!

i have no reason to live w/o God. i have no reason to live w/o even one true friend that's my age or someone who will actually love and cherish me. When my relationship with Brad started, Mom told me to guard my heart, i can't do that. The moment i guard my heart is when i cease to trust God, cease to love selflessly, cease to be Christlike and turn into the person that no one wants to be around. No one wants to be around me, not really, because i'm fat and whiny and a failure and depressed. So i look for companionship (forget help, that never comes), and just get emotionally raped by everyone i have ever loved or trusted. And i have to let them do it or it makes things worse!!! i can't turn my back on God, or my parents, or my aunts and uncles, or my grandparents, or my siblings, or my friends, or the man i love. i'm just screwed and wishing that there was some way to end this unbearable pain, but there isnt'. Suicide wouldn't help, ignoring it doesn't help, trying to make it better doesn't help, no matter what i do i am FUCKED by everyone. i'm a burden and no one wants to be around me and every breath, every thought, hurts.

Why doesn't God love me? Why doesn't He answer when i call, or help me, or rescue me??? EIGHT AND A HALF YEARS of darkness that will never end. Broken promises, and apparently not a drop of love for me. How can He leave me here to languish like this? Why doesn't anyone care when all hope is lost? No one has any answers for me, i followed everyone's advice, it only makes matters worse! i did something selfless, i poured out my heart to him, and now he doesn't remember, he doesn't care.



Am i so worthless and despicable that even the God of the universe will not answer me as i cry out to Him??? i am so stupid, even now i believe in Him and him, i still love them with every heartbeat, with every fiber in my being, and they only keep on turning their back on me, or worse, spite my devotion and supplication. i have no reason to live. i have no reason to write. i have no reason to try. i wish i wouldn't have broken up with Brad, i'm such an idiot, anything is better than being alone and hated, but that was where i was before i broke it off, too. He left me, he didn't love me, he didn't want me. i want to scream at him, slap him senseless, pound on his chest, i want to do that to God, too....

i gave all that i had to offer, and they spit on me and scorn my gift. And i am stupid enough to want them back, to still believe, to still hope. What reason is there to live, or eat, or breathe, or feel, when i am not reaching the lost, or starting a family, or sharing my life with the ones i love, or doing anything productive??? i was stupid to believe that any man could ever love me, that God cares enough about me to do anything to help me, that i could ever be anything but caged in the dark.

Give me the drugs so i don't feel, so that i am not this ugly person anymore, the one that no one wants to be with. Let me die in my sleep so i will not have to dream about babies i will never have because their father hates me. Tear out my heart so i will no longer fill this pain or try to dream of a better life. i give up--there is no reason for me to breathe, or live, or love, or think, or plan, or try--i am already dead.

changes

i am now back in CO and have limited internet access. i have my first interview tomorrow, and have yet to hear back from KJCT (they said that there was possibly and upcoming opening and now nothing). On one hand it is very nice to be back and see my family, and i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but... i'm feeling cut off. The family modem apparently doesn't transmit wirelessly (even though there's a wireless light and antenna) and right now we can only have my computer or the family computer connected to the internet. i haven't gotten to speak to my friends, i haven't gotten to raid in over a week, and i really miss watching InuYasha every night. To top things off, Abby broke my mouse (by stepping on the usb transmitter, which is the same exact thing that happened at Christmas, only that time they were jumping on the bed). The next couple of days is supposed to be a family campout, and i'm staying behind to try to find a job, so hopefully i will be able to raid tomorrow and Wednesday at the very least. i feel like i'm letting the guild down when i can't get on.

Last Tuesday i flew from Atlanta to Phoenix to Denver. It was all very much a God-thing in that for both flights i barely got through security and boarded with only a couple of minutes to spare (not late enough to make me freak out, but definitely no wait around time). i didn't sleep for over 24 hours and barely had anything to eat at the airports. i did have Coca-Cola on the flights (yum), but no peanuts or pretzels! What's the world coming to? It also turns out that everyone is required to pay for the bags they check now. What a hassle.

On Wednesday Mom, Dad, and i went to the CO History Museum, Denver Art Museum, and Brown Palace. i was sooo tired from all the walking, both at the airports and downtown. Thursday i did dailies and watched Home Improvement reruns, then ate lunch at Subway and lugged my computer to a school park to wait for Dad's conference to end (Mom was also in attendance). It was a long week.

Thursday i was definitely starting to feel the loneliness. i actually sent Brad some text messages, which he has of course ignored. i found out during the drive to Atlanta that he is enlisting after all, he's just going to finish another year of college and go in a summer later than planned. i miss him a lot, and wish there was some way to patch up our friendship at the least, but he is apparently not interested. Everyone keeps telling me that i'm better off alone, but that's not how i feel. i know that there are some real jerks out there that i don't want to be with, but i hate being alone and am always alone and it's depressing. Colbie Caillat's song Battle just keeps running through my head ("why aren't you sorry, why aren't you sorry, why?")... i cannot make heads or tails of why he became so hostile towards me. He promised to never hurt me and definitely broke that promise. i just don't understand what was so horrible about people knowing about us (why should he be ashamed of me?) and why he thought it was okay to treat me that way.

On the way home from Denver it occurred to me, people treat me like junk (to put it nicely), and if i object that somehow makes me the bad guy. i have been struggling with this a lot lately, the overwhelming need i have to defend my reputation and deny people's accusations/statements (usually quite vehemently). Should i remain silent and deny myself instead? No one else ever defends me. The people i expect to be loyal aren't.

People here are so quick to anger and take offense. i am so tired of trying to worry about not offending anyone. i'm an adult and still can't do what i want to do, what makes me happiest (as happy as i can be when alone and God is still silent). This is why i didn't want to move here, because my feelings and beliefs are either irrelevant or considered deviant. Everyone expects me to apply here, go there to socialize, when i am tired, and don't want it to be dictated where i go. i don't feel like going out and acting like things are normal, i need to collect my thoughts and rebuild and move on. But of course there is no time for that, i must do what is expected of me. Go to bed early (take drugs that i can't afford since i can't sleep), get up at the crack of dawn, remain silent when others are rude, and do absolutely nothing to cause offense (even when i have no idea what it will be ahead of time).

If i allow myself to think i get so depressed. Sure, it's fun playing board games/cards, and throwing a ball around with Katie, and reading stories to Polly, but my body hurts and so does my heart, and it's only getting worse again being cut off from friends and things that i enjoy. i don't know what to do.

musings

i never thought i would be the one to leave him. i have always secretly feared that my own emotional baggage might be the reason i would end up alone... It doesn't exactly make me an attractive find. But the fact that i was the one who finally said it was over, instead of him saying to my face that i am "nagging and unreasonable and fat so it's over" is a small kindness. Yes, he has said all those words to me. He was always honest in saying that he was uncomfortable with my weight, but also said he thought i am beautiful. But the nagging and unreasonable-ness... that came later.

It certainly wasn't kind of me, i suppose, the way that i broke up with him: i know that, but i was trying to recover my dignity, not from a sense of pride but in a sense of "i'm through with putting your needs first because you haven't reciprocated." i still love him and want him to be happy, part of me still wants to be with him. i never thought it would his depression that would be the side that separated us, but he is the one who left me and shut me out entirely (except as an outlet for his unhappiness).

i still am left with questions, wishing that he would have cut it out (the bad behavior) and been honest again. But that is the complete opposite of what he was doing, everything was deflected and twisted so that in his view i was the bad guy. Which wasn't what it was about at all, but he kept treating me like i was the enemy. Amidst this i'm still trying to understand why i still have never been on a date. What was so reprehensible about being seen in public with me? It's not like i forced him to come see me, he was the one who promised to take me on a date, he is the one who wanted to come meet me (both were certainly out of my means), and then... nothing happened. Everywhere we went, Megan and the kids were with us. The most one on one time we had in public was when i went to pick him up at the Greyhound Station and later when i took him to the produce section at the grocery store to see if they had a pomegranate (he doesn't know what they look like). That latter event is also the only time we ever held hands, and it felt extremely awkward. He told me before we met in person that he isn't into PDA, and though our hands meshed together perfectly it just didn't feel right.

Maybe i am the only one to whom it seems odd. See, Brad is far more of a social person than i am. He goes to college to be with his friends. He goes to a bar once a week to see his friends. And he goes to parties to see his friends. None of those propensities describe me. i like going to a get together w/friends from church, most certainly, most usually when i go to a party i feel shut out, as if i am there and yet being ignored, and not entirely welcome or in the right place. There have been exceptions to this, but it seems like i usually end up in corner alone, instead of feeling included and wanted. People my age just do not seem to have the same interests as me, at least not the ones i know in RL instead of on the internet, so i am usually more comfortable w/people who are my parent's age instead of my own, yet this creates its own barrier because i am not actually their peer.

Since switching guilds i have been more happy in many ways. i am shut off from some of my friends, but still talk to them a bit. There is one that i meet about once a week in a certain place, not by design, but because we are both there at the same time so fall in together. As a pvper he has many enemies from Alliance guilds and so can always use someone to watch his back (lol). There is one young man who i have been spending a lot of time with, which is nice because i don't feel so alone, but sometimes he just rubs me the wrong way. Yesterday i was trying to tell him about the research i have been doing, into what gear is best for me to acquire before WotLK, and it felt like all he could do was reject what i was saying out of hand. It was an off day for both of us, but it made me (continue to) think...

If the guild masters of Predestined asked me to come back, what would i say? On the one hand i am very excited to be seeing the new content, and getting into harder fights, because i had long been one of the best geared people in Pred and felt as if i was being held back. On the other, i miss the camaraderie of the old guild, the feeling that we were going there to have fun (as opposed to kill stuff, lol). This may sound ludicrous to an outsider. In Predestined the core raiders used gag, playing music and dancing in between pulls, kneeling as one when flame wreath was cast, and generally using vent to joke more often than talk about what was going on in the current boss fight. This is also partially because we'd already been in Kara a couple of months and knew it backwards and forwards and the exact strategy that our guild has perfected. In the new content of Gruul's Lair things weren't quite so irreverent, people knew how to be serious in these moments, and Brad lost all sense of having fun anymore. The best attempt we had on Gruul was when everyone let loose and stopped being serious and actually joked again... and for some reason the that really pissed him off.

i'm still the new kid in Kids Next Door, with only a few acquaintances really. i'm still learning names and struggling to master content that is old hat to them, that i have never seen. I have to concentrate more now, because i am barely well geared enough to be in this content, and yet none of the drops have been upgrades for me. Worse still, they skip fights, not even attempting them, something that drives me batty, because of course that is where my upgrades are. When you go into an instance the first few bosses are going to drop the gear for the tanks and healers, and as you progress they start to drop more for the dpsers, and then at the end are the really nice drops for everyone. This makes complete sense, because if your tank and healer can't even stay alive then there's not much point in being there. My dps is low for a hunter, because i am sorely in need of a new bow, but i'm still around midrange, it's not like i'm the worst dpser that came. Anyway, it's nice to see new content, but i want to see all of it, especially from the standpoint of lore, which is really appealing to me right now, understanding the history and how the bosses stories intertwine.

i am excited about raiding again. i am excited about playing WoW in general, in fact i greatly hope that i can get a job/shift that allows me to continue to raid. Mostly i am excited because all of the new information that we are getting about Wrath of the Lich King coming out. i'm actually considering changing to Survival spec, of all things, which is actually where i started at before i knew the game. People keep telling me that hunters aren't supposed to melee, but i've read about a Surv Hunter that has been OT in BT and Hyjal! i'm tired of everyone telling me that BM is best and what i can't do. But MM will have to be what i am for now, because i don't think i'm ever going back to BM, and i don't have enough agility to rock Surv yet... that's why i'm still looking for upgrades, and yes, i can find good ones for dual wielding, if only they would drop and i would be allowed to have preference in the roll for them (y should rogues and Arms warriors get preference when they have stats on them that are good for me and i will be respecing to up their dps?!?).

Anyways, lunch and more packing and more WoW.

p.s. Oh, and btw, some of the guys are actually starting to treat me like they would treat... a hot chick. /gag i like being one of the guys, the "guild Grandma", and not having to deal with sexual harassment. Ugh, lol.

the break up...

What a depressing thing for me to have to write about for my 499th post...

So i broke up with Brad and he is very mad at me. He will not talk to me, which is pretty par for the course since he went home two months ago. He told me that he wanted to take a break for six months (until he was "free") and that he was uncomfortable with my weight and wanted me to make an effort to lose weight. Well i'm back down to 225 after a slight hiccup, and he has been nothing but rude when he actually takes the time to communicate with me. All my attempts at communication have been labeled as nagging and unreasonable. I am sure that I could have handled the situation better, but after two months of negative, rude, and disrespectful comments both privately and in WoW chat, I broke up with him publicly in WoW chat. He responded saying that i was a "CRAZY bitch", will never talk to me again, and that he hopes i have a "horrible life."

i have been trying to get up the nerve to break up with him for a while now. Looking at our relationship objectively i felt that if anyone who knew about his behavior would tell me to just drop him. He wanted to keep the relationship completely private... Megan says he's just a private person, it felt like he was ashamed about me. He wouldn't even talk to his parents about me. I couldn't talk to my friends about him because he didn't want me to tell anyone about our relationship. Online friends have been asking me for weeks why I'm not an officer in the guild (i helped form it, after all, and he and Megan are the guild masters), why he's being so rude to me and in general, well now he has kicked me from the guild and I am searching for a new one... if I am even going to be able to keep playing WoW at all.

How did this happen? We were talking about the future and i was so sure he was the one. And then he decided not to enlist, to go home when his mother flipped out, to "take a break." He's miserable now, quit his job, will not be able to pay the rent. That's why he left and isn't "free", because he had already signed a lease for this next fall. Well i am tired of him taking his frustrations out on me, and he needs to grow up. He could have stayed here and gotten a job, but he decided not to. He could have stayed with me, instead of constantly pushing me away and ignoring me, but he wouldn't relent. It was him who decided to treat me badly, and i loved him, so i put up with it for two months... Now i am still alone and heartbroken but at least have a little self respect. My friends now know that once upon a time we were in love and now his action have caused me to leave him. In a reality it has been over two months.

The first week we were together i knew it was too good to be true, i was so scared to lose him, but i loved him anyway, trusted him anyway. i hate being right, i hate i when my fears become reality. i know i made mistakes, maybe forgiving him for so long was one of them, idk.