Thursday, December 29, 2005

exhausted

i have been feeling particularly overstretched of late. i get up before dawn and come home from work after dark. i then feel obligated to spend time with my family but am so tired and feel like i don't have a life. Overall it's been a pretty good job i guess, but there's a lot of physical labor involved and i am so tired and stiff and sore all the time. i wish i could write more but what else is there to say? It feels like all i do is work!

Monday, December 19, 2005

i don't believe in Guilt Christianity

what i'm knitting ~ Fox inspired visor beanie
what i'm crocheting ~ almost done with the Knit 1 newsboy cap
what i'm listening to ~ just finished the Golden Compass by Phillip Pullman


On Saturday i was working with Angela at Midway and had a lot of fun. I suddenly realized while we were talking why i think i want to pierce my belly button: it's because of my cyst. When i was young i had a purplish ball in the middle of my belly button, a cyst that slowly grew as i aged. I became extremely self conscious about showing my stomach and ashamed of it. I would never have worn a bikini simply because i didn't want anyone seeing it. When i got to be a bit older--i'm not sure how old i was, but i already had breasts, though i know it was before high school--i had it cut off. I was already of the opinion that i was fat (though i now know i wasn't) so i continued to hide my body for several years more. I now long for the confidence to show my stomach, for the ability to lose the fat that i don't want and be able to have a sexy stomach. I've read before that incorporating a scar into a tattoo can boost one's confidence immensely and i think that's how i feel about piercing my belly button. I think that subconciously i want to turn something that has been shameful to me for so long into something attractive, even sexy.

Also on Saturday i began to despair because of my financial situation. I'm going to be working full time but i think that i will still be broke. I want to pay my parents back $2000. I need to pay Megan back the $300 she loaned me. I want to bond my car, buy a new computer, get a new cellphone, and i now am yearning for another toy: an ipod (specifically the one at The Leaky Cauldron shop that includes all six HP books in audio form). I would not be able to survive without the support of my parents and that kills me; i've wanted to support myself since i was fourteen. More than that, i want to be able to support myself in the Los Angeles area.

It's impossible (from a human perspective). I don't want my life to be centered on wanting money and things but how else can one survive in this world? The whole planet seems to flourish or languish on money. My heart is already tainted by the pull of greed. It's not that i want a lot of money, it's that i want a lot of things and comforts. If i had a lot of money i'm sure that i'd give a lot of it away, but i want to keep a lot of it for myself, too. I don't want to depend on anyone for anything (except God). After what i have and am going through i don't see how i ever could forget to thank God for something, to ever be so conceited as to think i don't need Him every moment of every day.

On this note it suddenly became clear why i hate certain e-mail forwards so much. You know the ones i'm talking about, the "pass this on if you love so-and-so" and "if you care forward this" etc., etc. forwards. They always try to (keeping a cheery face) engender guilt in the hearts of their readers. In this cute story so-and-so (entirely fictitious character chances are) forgot to thank God so you must be the same way (shame on you)!

That is not the God i know. God doesn't put guilt on you in order to get you to serve Him more. If one has sinned, He will convict you of it. If you have not sinned then there is no reason to feel guilt, and He doesn't want you to feel guilt anyway. God is love, period. Confessed sin is as far as the east is from the west. I know i don't deserve God. I know i am a lowly sinner. I know i am ugly. But He loves me anyway. He doesn't use guilt to get me to serve Him, He showers me with love. This is why i am so devoted to Him, because He gave the greatest gift, the greatest sacrifice, the greatest expression of His love that is possible. That's why i always delete those forwards. They twist God's words and God's will so much of the time that by the time you read it you only get a pale reflection of His intentions if not an outright lie. They don't portray the God i know and see in the pages of the Bible.

Even though my life is in a dark place, a place of broken dreams, my hope is in Him. I look to Him for comfort. The world cannot help me, my goal is to achieve something eternal, not perishable. My goal is not for myself, but for the countless masses who have not heard or not understood or rebelled. My mission is love. I love God enough to do His will no matter what the consequences. My mother asked me last night if i have any regrets about my past, about dropping out of school and rebelling and where i have been. I said no. In reality i have many regrets. In my weakest moments i regret that i've had to live the way i've had to, that i've had to go through what i did, but this is simply me being human and fallible and sinful. I feel sorry for myself far too often when i much rather be strong and more trusting of God. In reality i do not see any other path that i could have taken. I have gone through dark years, taken dark paths, but it was God guiding me. Every step, every request, has been prefaced with "Lord, if it's Your will..." Am i proud of my life? No. Do i wish that i would have done things differently? How can i truly feel that way if i am confident in the knowledge that i have only ever been trying to serve God and do His will??? Would i have done things differently if it were my decision or within my power? Of course, i am a headstrong girl who thinks she knows better than God and has to tame her will in submission to His plan! But God's ways are not our ways, they are far higher. His path is not easy, but it is the only way i will choose to take.

So here it is clear as mud: i fight with my sinful nature but in my heart i know that i can never do any thing but serve God. He is the One i love and adore. He gave everything for me and so i will give everything for Him. I am broken and discouraged and doubting but my hope and faith are and forever will be placed in Him. I weap because i believe the verses such as Proverbs 3:5-6, Jeremiah 29:11-14, Isaiah 40:31, Isaiah 61:1-3, and countless others despite the fact that they don't seem to be true and are mocking me. Yes, Satan mocks me and lies to me, but i will still believe Jesus even though the Great Deceiver's words seem so much closer and truer.

I am not being holier than thou. I am not being great. I am being broken. This Christmas i do not pray for "peace on earth" as so many do and sing about. I believe that when the angel said those words he meant something far more profound than an end to war. I believe that He meant peace in the hearts of those who serve God. I pray for peace for those who love and serve God. I pray for those who don't know Him that they can come to know Him and thus find peace. This is my Christmas wish.

birthday presents

~ Coca-Cola coasters
~ 120 CD capacity travel case (in a sturdy lavender metal)
~ two pairs of socks (one pair of ankle socks, grey with blue flowers, the other knee highs in chocolate with pink flowers)
~ Stitch and Bitch Nation
~ $30 from grandparents
~ Titanic Swim Team t-shirt
~ wooden backgammon set
~ work boots and gloves

I think i made out pretty well considering the fact that i'm now twenty-four. I also managed to blow out all of my candles in one breath and they were spread out.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

what i'm knitting ~ a white undercap to accompany the hat i just crocheted (yes, crocheted!)
what i'm crocheting ~ a suede ivory newsboy cap from Knit1
what i'm listening to ~ just finished Eldest by Christopher Paolini (i knew that Murtagh is Eragon's brother and the twins were traitors... now if only Aria would get her act together and let herself be with Eragon)

Today i had my last two finals. I froze during my monologue. I got up there, started, and then my mind went blank. It took me a few seconds to remember what the next line was. For what seemed like an eternity i had no idea what to say next. And then it came to me and i plowed on. It was over so fast! But i know that the monologue was two minutes flat. I have it on good authority that i only paused for a few moments, but it felt like an eternity. I got a B. Cowden wrote that i am my own worst enemy and that i really connected with this character. So i'll get a B in the class i'm pretty sure.

The Spanish final was very different than i expected. Our teacher wrote the test from scratch it seems and it required a lot more sentence writing than i anticipated. I thought we'd have to show more of what we've been learning lately but it blended the whole semester together rather nicely. I'm pretty sure i'll be getting an A in that class.

Tomorrow i start working full time. It's such a relief to not have school hanging over my head anymore. Tonight i made tamales for Christmas. I think i'm going to really enjoy my break. Now if i could only finalize my schedule for next semester...

Saturday, December 10, 2005

long day

"If I must boast, I would rather boast about the things that show how weak I am." (2 Corinthians 11:30)

It's been a long day. Today Powderhorn opened for the first time this season. I swung chairs, ran the lift, and shoveled snow. I worked from 8 am until after 4 pm. Needless to say, i'm pretty tired, though not precisely exhausted, just stiff. I am enjoying my new job for the most part.

I've felt torn a lot lately. In some moments i feel more whole and resolved than ever. Other times i simply feel ugly. I don't want to whine or complain. I don't want to "accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad" (Job 2:10b). I don't want to give up but at the same time i don't know how to go on.

I have been trying so hard to find a monologue (from Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing or Chekov's the Sea Gull mainly) and nothing fits. Everything is about love or controling others or giving up because you've failed at all your roles in the past two years. I feel defeated and weak because i haven't even really tried acting. Every time i do try i get nowhere. I'm exhausted and don't know what to do. Should i stay here? Go to Biola (if i can get into the Film/TV/Radio program, and that's a big if)? Quit college entirely? I am poor and helpless: fighting to better my financial and spiritual and emotional and intellectual situation has not helped anything. Indeed i often feel as if i am only making things worse.

I am so humbled. I am fully aware of my incapability of doing anything on my own, of being a huge failure without God to hold my hand and guide me every tiptoe of the way. I don't know what He's doing. I don't know who He is anymore. I don't know how to serve Him. I fight against my self defense nature: should i be selfish or selfless? If no one will defend me, then why should i defend myself? I really am a wretched creature, maybe i should start acting like it.

But of course i'm speaking nonsense. Of course i should be selfless and stop thinking of myself so much and be a servant to all. But i am incredibly afraid, more afraid than i have ever been before, and my greatest fear is that this fear with remain until i die... a thorn that will not be removed. I long far too much to be given gifts from God that are good for boasting about. It's not that i want to boast about them, i just want to feel supremely blessed, to be considered better because i have suffered so much, and thus validated. As i have said many times: i am a fool. I feel a kinship with Paul: i have spent so much of my life trying to serve God by the Book letter for letter than i could boast about it. But i found such service and pride to be meaningless... because i had the wrong motives.

"I have plenty to boast about and would be no fool in doing it, because I would be telling the truth. But I won't do it. I don't want anyone to think more highly of me than what they can actually see in my life and my message, even though I have received wonderful revelations from God. But to keep me from getting puffed up, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from getting proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, "My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me. Since I know it is all for Christ's good, I am quite content with my weaknesses and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:6-10)

The hardest part for me is that last verse: it is my heart's cry but i don't know how to live it. I don't feel so pure anymore. I've been working so hard at being real and genuine that my sinful nature has gotten too strong (mind you, i could still boast about my holiness, but i have still fallen from where i was, and what would it gain me or anyone else to do so?). And i don't feel so strong anymore. I'm afraid to be weak, my weakness overwhelms me and i don't feel that it has brought me much strength. And of course i'm not so glad to be experiencing the insults, etc., at the moment.

I've said before that i almost wish i could sin on purpose just to give God a reason to be mad at me. I'd never do it purposefully, but maybe i've done it inadvertantly. I don't know anymore. I'm so confused. Where is all that He promised me? But more importantly, who have i become? When i look in the mirror i don't usually like what i see, and i'm not talking about things merely at face value. My life has been torn apart, my heart broken, and a way-too-large part of me doesn't know how to trust God anymore. More than that, the faith of a mustard seed hasn't been anywhere near enough for the past seven years.

And that's what it comes down to for me: it will be seven years tomorrow. My life doesn't show any hints of improving drastically, which mean life might as well continue as it has been, at a snail's pace clawing my way up a precipice. I speak with such dramatic and extreme language, but that is how it feels to me. I am not joking when i sing songs that say things such as this:

"i couldn't face my life tomorrow ~ without Your hope in my heart i know ~ i can't live a day without You ~ Lord, there's no night and there's no morning without Your loving arms to hold me ~ You're the heartbeat of all i do ~ i can't live a day without You" (Avalon's Can't Live a Day)

and

"i don't want to go somewhere if i know that You're not there ~ cuz i know that me without You is a lie ~ and i don't want to walk that road ~ be a million miles from home ~ cuz my heart needs to be where You are ~ so i don't want to go ~ without Your touch ~ without Your love ~ filling me like an ocean ~ cuz Your grace is enough ~ enough for me ~ to never want to go somewhere if i know that You're not there" (Avalon's I Don't Want to Go)

That's why i've said that i feel like i'm dead. If He's not filling me up then what is there to live for? If i am not serving Him then what am i living for that's worthwhile? I have failed Him. But He has failed me, too. He promised. I've said "Lord, here am i, send me" (Isaiah 6:8) and He has said no (or perhaps wait would be more accurate) over and over and over again. Is it my fault? Am i doing enough where i am? I try so hard, but the answer is always a resounding no. A no for seven years.

I am crazy, an absolute fool. How can anyone believe such unbelievable promises after seven years of no?!? I must have misheard, i must have gotten the wrong message, He didn't mean that. But He did. I know He did. I cannot let go of it. It is slowly destroying me, eating away at me. Taking the knife out of my side has not healed me. I am destroyed if i let go and destroyed if i hold on so i am simply destroyed.

I hate that He's made me love Him so much. But is it enough love? I have a large cross, do i have the strength to bear it? I still can't answer that question. I do not expect this to be the last night of my hell, there have been too many hopeless anniversaries for that. I do not even know what i'm supposed to be doing here. Should i have hope or despair, faith or doubt, action or wait??? What am i supposed to get out of this? Anything??? I sometimes wonder if i have not met my Imzadi because he is not ready for me yet but can that apply to this, too? Is the world not ready for me? It never will be!

I am nearly twenty-four. For the majority of the population that may seem like nothing, but to me it seems like a lot. I used to count the days as a sort of backwards countdown to hope, but now they are merely a specter looming over me. I have let God slip away from me. I do not know if i have made the right choices in life. I have tried so hard without avail. I have been far too selfish.

What else can i say? I am too tired to try to apologize enough, explain enough, analyze enough. Digestion will not bring me any closer to an answer, only God can give me the answers and hope that i seek. I am afraid that once He does talk to me, all i will be able to say is, "I am nothing--how could I ever find the answers? I will put my hand over my mouth in silence. I have said too much already. I have nothing more to say" (Job 40:4-5). Of course, maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing. I just don't know.

~2326

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

I've been avoiding posting here. My life is a roller coaster and it seems impossible to capture a moment in time while giving it due attention and dimension. Most of all, i feel very ugly right now.

My mother and i got into an argument the other day. She resents the fact that i use her computer so much. She resents the fact that i always seem so certain about what truth is. One of the things she said to me is: "it's your version of the truth." It hurts me that she doesn't listen to me. It hurts me that she thinks i'm making up stuff instead of realizing that all i'm doing is trying to discover God's truth. I know she thinks i'm looking in the wrong areas, especially when it comes to things like Harry Potter.

On the way to a Chorus performance on Monday we carpooled. We spent ten minutes waiting on girls who never came. Our driver Athena (who has been so nice to me this semester and i really appreciate!) was worried that Mrs. Niles would be mad at her and think it was her fault. I said that i cuss out Mrs. Niles before i'd let her blame Athena. One of the girls sitting behind me asked: "Why would you cuss out Mrs. Niles?" as if i had said i was going to do it for sure. I replied that i was tired of her blaming people for things that aren't their fault or responsibility. I said that i wasn't going to cuss her out but i would do so before i'd let her blame Athena. In other words, i'd try to reason with the woman but i love and respect her enough to take the time to cuss her out.

I'm tired of compromise. I'm tired of trying so hard. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of caring so much that it feels like i'm going to literally be torn apart by the pain. I'm tired of the silence and the dark. I'm tired of being attacked by Satan every day. I'm tired of being overwhelmed. I'm tired of having to look out for myself. I'm tired of being selfish. I'm tired of compromise. I'm tired of trying to please everyone else.

Jacque (who i carpool with to work) says that she likes how i don't care what anyone else thinks. That's not quite true. That's who i try to be: to care only what God thinks. It may surprise everyone, but i struggle with self confidence. I've dreamt of becoming an actress since i was three or four. No one that i work with (especially teachers) ever tells me that i'm doing well, that i'm improving, they only hit me with the bad. I've wanted to be a writer since i was seven. I can't seem to write what i want to. None of my readers ever tell me that i'm improving, that i'm doing better, especially writing teachers. I feel like everyone i meet despises me, barely tolerates me, thinks i'm crazy, and generally gets pissed off by who i am and what i do.

I feel isolated. My family doesn't approve of me or support me. I have no close friends (though classmates have become a welcome source of comfort at times). I don't see how my life is ever going to get better and i'm tired of listening to Satan's lies and getting discouraged. I try to tell myself that this is all part of God's plan, that He's protecting me or trying to teach me something, but it's hard. For all that i have done to try to do His will, to try to put Him first in my life, i only feel farther away from Him and farther away from success.

I can't put into words how much of a failure i feel i am. And i don't have any more time to try right now, either.

~11:49 a.m.

i mean, can you believe this is real?

awe inspiring