catalysts for this year's resolutions

Ben Stein wrote an awesome pro-Christmas piece that is especially appropriate considering the school shooting and firefighter baiting that comprised Christmas 2012. He quotes Anne Graham, who once pointed out that God has been kicked out of schools, government, etc.

Read a Gun Owner's A Little Gun History (which demonstrated how, historically, banning guns enslaves citizens) and retweeted The Living Hell of Socialism (a piece on what East Germany was like behind the wall).

Multiple news stories about Hobby Lobby going to court over being forced to pay for employees' chemical abortions.  The most recent (currently down) reveals that the Supreme Court can't be bothered to waive the fine temporarily.

Pins such as those found in my new Anti-Crop Collection.

new year's resolutions 2013

Since the end of October and the election that screams "voter fraud" and "voter box hacking" there has been a lot that i've wanted to say.  Unfortunately i work two jobs and it takes a migraine to get me to rest.  I survived Christmas but my thoughts never made it from my brain to a computer screen through my fingers until now.

There is something rotten in the state of the United States of America.  I have been living with hope that things would change in 2013, but now i know that the fight has only just begun.  Something needs to change, and part of that something is me.  I've been hiding and waiting as much as possible, licking my wounds and biding my time.  I've been doing it for fourteen years and it's time for it to stop.  It doesn't matter if i ever feel the Holy Spirit again, what does matter is if i fail to serve Him.  I'm not a journalist, i have a bias, and i am tired of being silent.  So my first resolution for 2013 is to write more.  I am struggling when trying to write fiction, i don't know if i can ever recover what i lost during the time i had Bell's Palsy.  But i will persevere and maybe someday the words will reconnect with their definitions and i can reach my creative urges outside of the dreamscape.  In the meantime i hope to blog with new purpose and stand for truth even if it is too late to make a difference.

Two of my causes are not really my own.  Right now it looks like freedom of education and freedom of medical choice are in jeopardy.  I'm still considering becoming a doula...or even a midwife.  Even if i never get married or have children i still think that a woman's reproductive rights are important.  The way i see it, there are forces in the world that are doing everything they can to make it easier to get rid of "unwanted" children and harder to have wanted children.  Furthermore, this election's results, whether they are legitimate or not, are very much a result of the mainstream media's failure to report important things and government schools' success in brainwashing America's children.  My life is always going to be dedicated to strengthening education and birth rights.  To both of these ends we need to make stronger families.  I'm not a wife but i am part of a large family that's hurting right now.  I don't know what i can do but i will be praying if nothing else.

This year i am going to take the plunge and go back to being barefoot.  As a child i was barefoot as much as possible.  Summers in Arizona i would go barefoot more than you might imagine, goatheads being more painful than hot asphalt to be honest.  My feet are starting to get stronger even as they are starting to show the effects of being stuffed in shoes for far too long.  Right now i am reading The Barefoot Book by Daniel Howell, Ph.D., and i highly recommend it.  So in 2013 i am going to continue to wear Vibrams, flipflops, and Sanuks as much as possible...but i am considering going so far as going barefoot in public someday.  It is perfectly legal, it might surprise you to know.  My feet aren't ready for that yet, but they are stronger than they used to be.  Right now i will continue to strengthen my toes and lengthen my achilles tendons.  Hopefully there's also a way for me to strengthen my arches.

For the first time ever i intend to plant a garden.  It will have to be in containers because the land here is horrible for growing anything edible, salty high desert.  I might kill more than i harvest but i'm going to try to grow things.  I'm also going to try to shop for organics and non-GMO items more often.  And become more educated about food in general.

Lastly, i intend to arm myself and take a conceal carry course even if i cannot obtain a permit.  I was taught how to shoot from a young age and have always been afraid of guns.  I want to conquer that fear in order to defend myself and my family.  At one time i wanted to serve in the military, but that was never possible because of my weight.  I still want to hone the skills my father gave me and acquire new ones.

There are, or course, other things that i want to accomplish this year, but these are the main ones.  I still dream of learning how to play the drums or a stringed instrument, for example.  And another triathlon, a better job, are also goals that i am pursuing as much as personally possible.  I have recently lost some weight, amazingly enough, but am also trying to embrace my more to love beauty more than ever before.

I hope all of my readers (whomever you may be) had a happy Christmas season and will be even more blessed in the new year.

To Clydesdale or not to Clydesdale

Apparently the Ironman races no longer contain Clydesdale and Athena divisions and haven't done so since 2008.  I wasn't aware of this since i was not actually training for my first triathlon yet and am still a long way away from thinking that an Ironman is something even remotely possible for me to complete.  I can't imagine completing a half-Ironman.

But it is apparent in the thread that i stumbled upon that even having Clydesdale/Athena divisions in any race causes some contention.  There seems to be a disagreement about what it means, and i have discovered that i myself seem to have been misinformed.   Kevin was pretty articulate about it:

The clydesdale division is EXACTLY for those big dudes who are nothing but muscle. It wasn't created for fatties, this is the biggest failure in the clydesdale movement right now.

Clydesdale racing is not for an out of shape fat guy to claim an award, although at small races that often happens. Clydesdale racing is about those large framed muscled up guys. These guys train their asses off, work VERY hard, and given their size put in some amazing performances. However due to the nature of their build, they will never score in their age group at a big race.

I have the perfect example, a friend of mine named Lance from Delaware, has a 5k time in the low 18s his size was 6'5" and 250 pounds. That performance is pretty well unbelievable, smokin. To do this he needed to d a lot of training, lot of running, all the right things and he even needed to have some natural gifts. He is built as solid as a rock, not a fat guy at all.

Now, while an admirable performance low 18s won't even sniff the age group awards at a 5k with a decent number of runners in it. So Joe Law decided these type of performances should get an award. I think a lot of people agree that this is a reasonable thing to do.

However, at a lot of small races, it;s not only the big strongly built guys you see getting an award, occasionally you get the guy who is kinda bug but mostly just needs to lose weight. Sometimes he sneaks in there and takes an award, the problem with this is that when others see it, it changes the perception of what clydesdale racing is about. It makes people think it is about a bunch of out of shape guys giving each other awards, and that's not really what it is about. It is EXACTKLY about the guys built like the fellows at the race you saw.

Here's more on how it got started, notice that times follow weight, not BMI but weight.

The concept of weight division competition and the moniker “Clydesdale”, can be traced back to a Baltimore area statistician name Joe Law who founded the Clydesdale Runners Association in the mid-1980s. Joe Law convinced the race director of the Marine Corps Marathon and several other local races to include a field on race applications for competitors to record their weight. This data provided the basis for Joe’s statistical analysis of running performance vs. weight, and he determined with mathematical precision, that a runner’s weight and speed in road races are inversely proportional. Above 160 or 170 pounds there is a sharp drop off in times. This observation provided the basis for concept of weight division competition, so that big runners could compete amongst their peers, on a more level playing field. The concept is analogous to offering age-division competition in road races and has gained grudging support through the years. Joe coined the term “Clydesdale” to identify big athletes. Clydesdales are big and strong horses—perhaps not the fastest, but certainly amongst the most determined of the workhorses. Weight division competitors relish being compared to their equine anima. Sadly, Joe Law passed away in 1991 and the national Clydesdale movement stalled.

Wow.  This makes a lot of sense since Clydesdales are not fat horses, they are huge, muscular, slow and strong horses.  The interesting thing to me is that i still fit in this category.  I am not tall by any means but even when at my lowest weight i was considered to be about thirty pounds overweight and firmly in the Athena group by fifteen pounds.  I was in the best shape of my life but too "overweight" to enlist.  I am slow and steady about swimming, biking, and running, a fact which drove my swim team coach and mountain biking instructor bonkers.  But in Softball i was one of our strongest hitters and would consistently get doubles because i could hit it far and would run full out, getting more speed in that situation that i would while running for endurance.  Determination is what it has always been about for me no matter what the sport.

One thing i do not agree with Kevin about is being termed a "fatty".  I gained my weight kicking and screaming.  I have always tried to eat healthfully, i don't drink often (in fact, rarely would be the accurate term), and for most of my adult life i have consistently worked out three-six days a week.  How dare he assume that someone like me is a couch potato when i am unable to lose weight when on a strict regimen such as this and when i work out less than three times a week will randomly gain fifteen-fifty pounds?  Yes fifty, when i was about to turn eighteen i jumped from ~180 to ~230 while we were moving to Colorado.  I attribute my weight gain to stress but have no idea why i cannot lose weight.  There are others whose weight gain is medical, perhaps because of medication they have to take.

I'm sorry if i'm being a broken record.  Three years ago i thought i was on track.  Only losing ten-fifteen pounds after training for over three months, part of it six days a week and two workouts a day, was discouraging, but i kept at it.  Even six months later, after a painful injury, i kept working out about four-five days a week.  My body was different back then, i was a lot more muscular and down a pant size.  You want to know why i stopped training?  Because i wanted to graduate from college.  I reached a point where i couldn't get all my homework done even when i wasn't training.  I quit work, i quit training, and i worked my butt off in a new way.  And in the process i have lost muscle and gained fat.  I reached my goal, i graduated from college and even managed to bring my GPA back up to a 3.0.

People assumed that i was proud of this accomplishment.  I'm not.  It was surreal at the time and i have long felt that i was duped into going to college.  I allowed myself to be sucked into the lie that one has to go to college to be intelligent and that if one has a degree a comfortable middle-class life is guaranteed.  Such things are not true, there are no guarantees, and there are people i know who are much better educated than i am who are in the same place without as much support, who work two jobs or barely make ends meet.  College is a scam.  It was more of the high school machine where you are required to read and temporarily master certain artificial definitions of "knowledge" and when the love of true learning is squashed and the time to do so is restricted.  Now don't get me wrong, i really enjoyed being in college to a certain extent, and i even miss parts of it.  There were teachers who greatly influenced me and that i was glad to have as a part of my life.  But the system is flawed, just as public school is, just as there an alternative in homeschooling, i feel there needs to be an alternative for higher learning to college.  I am in so much debt and have little to show for my very considerable efforts.

What i was proud of was finishing that triathlon.  It was only a sprint, and i was one of the slowest people out there, but i finished the race.  I am a Clydesdale in that way, i believe in perseverance, strength, and willpower.  So to the naysayers to the Clydesdale/Athena divisions can i just say that you are being elitest jerks.  Not everyone has the body of a runner, and do you know what, that is not anyone's fault, it's genetics.  We can't control who our parents, grandparents, ancestors were.  We can't control what bone structure we have or if we bulk up or if our muscles lengthen.  We can't control that because we can't engineer better athletic bodies before they are even born and even if we could there is no gene for the human spirit.

But finishing that triathlon seems to be the pinnacle of my achievement and it's all downhill again.  I did finish my mountain biking class, but i certainly did not master the activity or keep up with the pack.  I was only competing against my former self, but of course there was very strong peer pressure to be something that God did not design me to be, that i never will be.  That isn't fair.  So you people who consider yourself to be the true athletes, are you so special because you just happened to have the right body type?  I bet you would be pissed off at me if i believed that.  You put in the training, too, you've sacrificed just as i have.  I don't think any less of you because you haven't had my struggles, why do you think less of me because of mine?  But if you were required to strap on a fat suit on race day, would you even compete?  I've been required to strap on a fat suit every day for the past twelve years and was treated as if i was fat for the ten years before that.

Okay, so i admit it...i am the one who chose to go to college, so it's my own fault that i'm in debt and chained to a future i don't really want (that is to say, working to pay off my debt rather than working to thrive).  And i chose college over training for more triathlons.  So why do i continue to not train?  Number 1 reason is exhaustion and not wanting to be injured again.  Number 2 is that i need to get my act together.  Number 3 is i feel like i have less time now than i did while doing school and working simultaneously.  Part of this is structure:  while i was in school i had the same classes five days a week and my work schedule changed very little.  I had my day of "rest" fall on Saturday because i worked all day and was able to schedule my workouts around my classes even with the campus pool closed because it was being rebuilt.  Now i am working more and my schedule changes every week.  I need to make room in my life for training and very tentatively.  I'm not sure that i can handle training and working 7-9 hour days.  Before i was only working 4-6 hour days (except Saturdays) and sitting on my butt in class the rest of the time.  Now i stand all day long and it hurts.  This is going to be a process, i can't dive into this thoughtlessly, i need to make sure i do it right.  Because i'm not as young as i used to be and slow and steady wins the race.

musings on Triathlete

First off, i am now a college graduate (well, as of tomorrow), and hope to have more time to actually write...seeing how that is what i went to school for.

Secondly, i am so ready to resume training. I have been/felt far too busy this semester to do much of anything. I think i got two runs in. My father was too busy to put the bike rack on my car (and i still have no idea where he's hid it) so i didn't get to ride on campus once, which is a real shame as Monday, Wednesday, Friday i had to speedwalk across campus and would have much more preferred cycling.

Thirdly, i listened to the audio book version of Born to Run and have been contemplating modifying my footfall/gait/etc. I grew up running around barefoot and long to be able to love running again.

So...about Triathlete. The local library gets it, and i have picked up somewhere between 5-10 issues and at least scanned it cover to cover. A couple of letters to the editor caught my attention in the April 2011 issue. First off, is WD-40 a lubricant or not? Two readers point out that it's not, and then a senior editor chimes in by quoting the article and denying that it's called a lubricant. I'm not sure if we're meant to trust him, admire his audacity, or laugh, because he quoted the part of the article that calls it a lubricant. In a section praising the benefits of using WD-40 the author calls it "that trusty blue can of lubricant." Guess what, WD-40 comes in a blue can and was the topic of the paragraph, so it stands to reason that it's the topic of a sentence in the middle of the paragraph, too. It's bad writing and editing all around.

But my main concern is the letter entitled "California Girls." Ms. Brenda Travis complains that the models in a photoshoot for an article were so thin that they must have had implants and liposuction, so she complains about the casual use of plastic surgery. She then points to the females pictured on other pages as better examples of the female form. Well, i hate to break it to Brenda, but i can't find a single picture in Triathlete of a woman who isn't super-thin, whether she is a model (Must they frown at the camera? Is it bad to look like you're having fun when you're working out?) or a super-athlete. This has been niggling at me for a while now, but i've been too busy to give full voice to it.

The fact is, though there are a couple of token articles geared towards beginners and athenas/clydesdales, Triathlete seems to very much be an Ironman, professional athlete, expensive gear required type of enterprise. Their "inspirational" tales are about people who are super thin and clad in name brand athletic wear that is far too tight for the average person, let alone an athena such as myself.

In fact, Triathlete takes this so far that it's offensive. Starting on page 92 there is an article entitled "Lose Weight to Train (Don't Train to Lose Weight)." They didn't even find an overweight or average sized person to picture, no there's a cartoonish "Evolution of Man" spoof where a man starts out bent over and spitting and gradually starts to run. First off, this is disgusting, not to mention offensive. The man seems to buff up a bit, but he's not really out of shape to begin with. Are we meant to believe that anyone who isn't a triathlete should be equated with a chimp? Turn the page, and we discover "Rule No. 1" which seems to think that it's reasonable to diet with an 800 calorie a day intake if you aren't training...as long as you have "proper medical supervision." Excuse me? Any doctor who would supervise that wouldn't be "proper." Our bodies are not meant to shed weight that fast, it places a far greater danger to our health than remaining a heavier weight does. To sum up, Mr. Matt Fitzgerald endorses losing weight before training with an odd preference for starving one's self rather than having a healthy diet combined with exercise. I can't even believe that Triathlete published this nonsense. Use some common sense.

I do agree that the goal should be fitness, far more than it should be weightloss. That is the belief that has always guided me when exercising, which is good, because i don't lose much weight when training. But over the past couple of months i have realized that i don't want to look like the typical athlete. I don't want to have the newest and most expensive equipment. I don't want to dress in a way that is virtually identical to everyone that i am racing against. I like standing out, which is just as well because i can't help it. I've always been an Other, an outsider, i never chose that, it's the way people treat me. I'm not into denying who i am or using ingratiating behavior just to make others feel better about themselves and like me more because i am stroking their ego in an unhealthy way. No, i'm about genuine relationships where people are different, people are loved for who they are, and people actually encourage one another for being who they really are rather than a social construct. To me, being pro-athlete or model thin is a very unhealthy social construct.

I don't want to live thinking "i would run this much faster if i just lost ten pounds." I don't want to train thinking "if i bought that $2000 bike then i could be in the top ten." No, i want to train and live competing against my former self. I want to live and train knowing that i finished the race through persistence and endurance, not because i paid for the best tech or tore my body apart. I know that i am beautiful at this size, and i don't want to ever be smaller than a size 12 ever again (which is good, because i don't think that such a goal would be healthy or attainable).

Okay, so Mr. Fitzgerald has a couple of good points in his article, and the article is okay, but it also has some glaring opinions in it that just don't settle well for me. But that still begs the question of who it's geared at. He's not writing for me, that's abundantly clear; he's writing for people who are already a healthy(ish) weight but want to weigh even less to be faster. He's looking at the people who gained a little weight during the off-season, not the people who live with their weight for decades and have varying body images and opinions.

I guess that my real issue here is that (per usual) i do not fit in the mold that they are trying to put me in. While people are breaking world records for fastest race, i have still only finished one. I can't afford to travel the world racing. I don't know if i could ever be in an Ironman or the Olympics...probably not. But the competitive part of me...part of me wants to really submerge myself into this world and beat people who weigh half as much as me. The main part of me, though, longs for the camaraderie that was talked about in Born to Run. I don't know if i can embrace everything in that book, but i want to embrace some of it. Once again i have a long road ahead of me...but that's okay. It's the journey that counts. I know where my ultimate destination is.

New Year's resolutions of a sort

i do not normally make New Year's resolutions: i figure that there is no point in putting off until the New Year to start improving upon something that needs fixing today. i've been fighting to fix things in my life for over a decade now, so this post is more of a State of the Lunacy speech. It's been an arduous journey, stumbling around in the dark trying to figure out the answers to questions that seem to have no answers, trying to figure out God's will when He has been so very silent. i'm sorry to say that i don't pursue God as keenly as i once did: i realized a long time ago that the harder i sought Him the more i fell apart when i didn't find Him. i used to blame Him for that, for my inability to find Him, because i was always taught that He would come running when i called. When that proved to not necessarily be the case, my whole life fell apart. Some people would call my opinions towards how God works to be sacrilegious, but i think that very often we take God's Word out of context. We're all stumbling around in the dark whether we realize it or not, and there's no way that any one person has all the answers while they're here on earth, otherwise what would be the point in continuing to live? If you aren't striving and learning then you're wasting precious life.

There were many things that i had to come to terms with in order to reach this point. My quarter life crisis hit me hard, and in many ways is still hitting me. i have no career. i have no relationship prospects. i had to get over Brad and then come to terms with the fact that i was willing to give him so very much that compromised parts of myself that i never wanted to compromise. Because i have no experience in dating or love i didn't realize what i was doing, i was completely blind. It didn't help matters that the man that i fell in love with turned out to be nothing like i thought he was and that i had been ignoring the small warning signs. i'm glad that i didn't end up with Brad now, but it took me a long time to reach this point, i still cannot say that i am entirely over him. It would be very hard for me to articulate just how very much i long to be in a marriage relationship, to not be alone, and where i have slid to as a result without losing all integrity. Yes, i am still a virgin, but i still feel sullied because of how much i gave emotionally and how much lust that i'm trying to deal with right now. i have no idea how to come to grips with my sexuality when i am single and trying to live a pure life, the entire "just ignore it" thing that the church has going on isn't helping me. i've also come to realize that i have some rather unrealistic expectations when it comes to marriage, that i've bought into the chick flick mentality a bit too much.

So my first two resolutions for this year are to more actively seek God again and surrender my lustful urges to Him in an attempt to confine them to His will and guidelines.

One of the most obvious external indicators of the changes that have happened in my life over the past year and a half is my body. It has taken me a very, very long time to come to grips with my weight. The truth is that i thought i was fat since i was about eight or nine, largely because that's what my peers told me and it seemed as if my mother thought she was fat. When i was Katie's age and size i hid my body and lived in humiliation because i did not understand what i had done to become fat or why i couldn't lose the weight. What i did not understand at the time was that i wasn't fat, my body just looked different than the ones i saw around me because i was athletic and big boned and more padded than the stick straight anorexic look that most people seem to go for these days. i would love to have my body from high school back again, but the little known truth is that our body's shape and size is not what determines our happiness. Our weight only has as much power as we give it, we don't have to be obsessed with losing those 10-15 pounds that we don't need to lose no matter how much society is screaming at us to do so. Is it more important to look like a model or be healthy?

i feel vastly healthier than i did after Brad and i broke up, which was at a point in my life where i was depressed and didn't care about taking care of my body. The ironic thing is that, my first big jump in weight gain, i was depressed but trying very hard to take care of my body, i just wasn't going about it in the right way. i have fought very hard not to gain more weight than i have. The things that i blame the most on my weight gain are depression and insomnia, even more than eating junk food or anything else, because i have almost always been active. i used to think that there was something wrong with my body because i didn't lose weight when i dieted and worked out. More sacrilege? Still, it's the truth. i'm starting to wonder if it's all the unnecessary chemicals and growth hormones that are in all the food at the local grocery store that have caused my body to not maintain a healthy weight.

So my next two resolutions are to reapply myself to eating less high fructose corn syrup, unnecessary chemicals--and instead buy natural and organic foods as much as possible--and to reapply myself to my training. i think i've finally come to a place where i am truly happy with my body but know that i have to keep fighting to lose more weight. i will never be the same size as Megan, and i'll probably never be the same size as Katie again, but maybe i can get below 200 pounds and get back into size 14 or 16 and just be healthy and happy. To that end i believe that i'll start training for Olympic length triathlons but only compete in Sprint length ones until i can improve my performance... say at least come in the top 75%! lol

My last three resolutions are to expand my social circle, write more, and balance my selfless and self-protective natures.

i have always felt a bit socially awkward, and to be honest playing WoW has exacerbated that. Throwing myself into the game, i thought i had a lot of friends, when in reality they were just nicer to me than most people are. There was no real connection or hold between us. Everything there has fallen apart time and again, and there's always two or three jerks that have to bring out the worst in me. One of the reasons that i didn't make a very good actress is because i was afraid to look bad: Emma Thompson and David Tennant have proven to me that the ugly parts of a person can make them all the more beautiful. i need to stop caring so much about what people say about me because very often they do it just to get a rise out of me and it makes me uglier than if i would have let it slide off my back.

So i'm quitting WoW, probably for good, and that was part of the deal i made with God when i decided to apply for the job at WoW.com: i have been considering leaving the game for a long time, and i promised Him that if i didn't get the job that i would finally quit the game. i want to try to make more friends my own age, or maybe just within my own interests. Let's face it, i am and have been and will always be a geek. Gaming will just become a smaller part of my life, just as it always was before i took up WoW. Now i will seek relationships based on shared faith, or interest in reading/writing, or in knitting, or in triathlons. Of course i also have two more semesters of school to get through, and a lot of what i can accomplish will depend on what my school-load is like.

i have been so grateful with my friendship with Katie these past few months. i also hate being sick, and cannot wait for this stupid cold to go away and the semester to start so i can start training again. i have several knitting projects that i'm looking forward to working on soon. i'm trying to make healthy choices and continue to grow as we enter a new decade... even though that decade technically doesn't begin until a year from now. (;

Fall 09 grades

i actually got better grades than i was expecting (i was anticipating a C in the Art History class and a B in Photojournalism). It's a relief that the semester is finally over! i'm still hoping to bring my gpa up more next semester, which will definitely be a challenge as all my classes are upperlevel.

History of Art, Prehistory to Renaissance   B
Language Systems and Linguistic Diversity   B
World Regional Geography   B
Mountain Biking   A
Hatha Yoga & Relaxation   B
Fundamentals of Photojournalism   A

state of training

Over the past six weeks i have been doing yoga two times a week and mountain biking 2-3 times a week (usually just two, but sometimes with another day thrown in). i still haven't figured out how to record my workouts online, but i have been working my butt off. But of course the mod is quickly coming to an end (i think there are two weeks left in it) so my thoughts are turning to what i'm going to do afterwards. i do not want to lose my newly acquired mountain biking skills, and would like to continue to improve, so i think i'm going to aim for doing that at least once a week. But my main goals, i think, should return to running. i've only been doing a bit of jogging here and there, not even getting out of breath, just putting on bursts of speed while crossing the street or parking lot, etc. Truth be told, i cannot believe how light on my feet i feel when i do so, possibly because i am now used to (well, forcing myself to) pedal up steep inclines with a backpack on or walking around campus with a backpack on. i think that i will do the Couch to 5k program again, this time focusing on speed more than endurance, at least in the first 5-6 weeks or so. i am still worried about the possibility of me having E.I.A. but i don't know when or if i'll be able to see a doctor about it anytime soon. i could go to the Marrilac clinic possibly, but i'm not sure when i'll find the time... maybe after the mod ends. Anyways, after the cruise my thoughts will probably turn to training for my next triathlon, but in the meantime i will continue to build from where i am and challenge myself.

exhausted

i used a gel at the beginning of mountain biking class today, and probably should have used one part of the way through as well. i forgot my ponytail holder, and was soooo hot, but i made it through the class, doing the same thing as the rest of the group the entire way. We had to walk our bikes part of the way (and some of us pushed them farther than others) because today we took a more difficult trail. i am vastly improved compared to where i started, but i still lack confidence when going downhill sometimes. What i am doing is rather unbelievable to me, and i'm actually reaching a point where i can tell myself: "Yes, you're scared, but you know how to do this. Don't tense up, just go with it." i have the tendency to lock up on the brakes, hold onto the handlebars for dear life when my hands should be relaxed (fingers extended and resting on the brakes), and mess up in places where i feel like i should be able to go, but i am improving. i am even able to go uphill more easily now, though i still have to push my bike a lot (the climbs in this area are brutal), i'm getting the technique down (i've discovered that i need to move forward in the seat but stay seated). Mom would be freaked out if she saw where i rode today, and i was at first, too, until i told myself to just ignore the drop off because to focus on it would guarantee that i would fall off the side of the hill. Right now, even though i'm improving, i'm concerned that i may have EIA (Exercise Induced Asthma), because sometimes after workouts i'm wheezy for several hours and have a bit of a cough (the day of the Highline Hustle and this past Tuesday come to mind). Anyway, i need to do some homework now and study for my first Art test tomorrow, but i thought i would check in.

On another note... i've been really wanting to write more on healthcare (besides the snippets on Facebook that are totally being taken out of context), but haven't found the time. Now it's been so long that it's sort of starting to feel like "What's the point?" But the fight is far from over. i've been wanting to start a podcast ever since the Fourth of July, too. The 5th of November is on the brain lately, as well.

state of the education

Today Kristi learned that asking questions is answering questions! At least when a teacher does it!!! This is the complete opposite of what the same teacher taught her in her glorified grammar class, but there you go!

Today Kristi enjoyed yoga, but still finds it jarring when the class is trying to reach a meditative state and the instructor emphasizes "IN HALE" quite like a drill instructor!

Today Kristi got an A on her Photojournalism assignment!

Today Kristi didn't get injured in Mountain Biking! She was told to not take the extended loop with Throw-Up-Boy and Lose-Chain-Boy, and felt as if she could have ridden farther!

Today Kristi took her first test in World Geography and had a fascinating lecture on why communist countries have horrible pollution! She couldn't believe that the teacher sounded so conservative!

wow, i'm speechless

i just heard about this video this week, but apparently it came out inauguration week. The video is, quite frankly, awe inspiringly scary. i do not quite know how to respond. Yes, i have a pledge, but it is quite, quite different from theirs.

i have been incredibly busy with school, barely getting assignments done, working more than i should, spending more than i should, and wondering what in the world i have gotten myself into. This was supposed to be the easy semester, i have largely been trying to ignore politics because i just do not have the time to properly inform myself and mount a defense, but... wow. How am i supposed to remain silent to what is happening? i am quite literally terrified for my family, friends, and self... no, for everyone. i wonder if these people still believe that Obama is as saint-like as they make him out to be in this video. i wonder if it is too late to stop what is happening, to get the truth out.

How is a young woman supposed to fight the darkness, support herself, finish college, and take a cruise? i've been doing a lot of inner inspection on these issues. Who am i, how can i change things? On the other hand, how can i remain silent, how could i not be going to these townhall meetings and taking a stand? i am, quite honestly, utterly clueless about what i should do. Right now i'm trying to wade through 1984, i hardly have the time. How am i supposed to take on more?

black and blue

Mountain bike class is proving to be frustrating. i am the slowest person in class. i was doing pretty good at the beginning (despite getting stuck in a rut and skinning my left knee at the beginning of the ride), but everyone but one guy took off. i held back so he wouldn't be alone... and then he just pushed past and left me in the dust! Later on when i finally caught up he said he felt sick, and i couldn't help but feel the slightest bit smug. It was hot (though cooler than last time), and about 2/3 of the way through i lost steam, was so hot, and then my body started freaking out and getting cold. i wasn't sure that i was going to make it, and once again it was just me and the teacher to the finish (well, he rode ahead and paused periodically, which is rude and not safe, but there you go). Then i accidentally locked my back break on the last big hill and my back tire skidded out, so i fell and scraped my right outer calf pretty bad. i was so frustrated, both by being left behind and not being able to keep up as well as the fact that everyone was too big of a jerk to wait for me. And of course at the end of the ride the teacher told me that i need to be riding more on the days that there is no class, but where am i supposed to find the time and how am i supposed to do that when i have NO ONE to go with me and you're always supposed to ride in a group of three.

So this afternoon was very frustrating, but i have already improved so much, my form is there i just need more endurance and practice. i'm sticking with the yoga class motto, though, which is something like: "I am not competing against anyone except my former self." In a way i am very proud of myself because a year ago i weighed 265 and there is no way that i would have been able to take this class. Now, i may be the heaviest person in the class, and i may be a bit slow, but i am totally kicking that girl's butt.

undecided

i had a sleepy start today, mostly because i joined a group last night (while playing WoW) around 9:30 and before i knew it, it was already 2am! We got 2-3 achievements in H Nexus and i finally cleared H Occulus (another 2 achievements)! Now i only need to down Malygos to become a Champion of the Frozen Wastes. So i woke up after it was too late to leave for yoga (idk how i slept through 3 alarms, but i did), felt horrible, decided to sleep an extra hour, and got to Photojournalism a little tardy. The professor can be frustratingly confusing, but i am learning a lot in that class. i keep meaning to get Grandpa Jocko's camera out of the attic and figure out which shots it will be better for, but i'm still trying to figure out my digital camera! Today we went over f-stops again and progressed to shutter speeds. A lot of the information seems backwards to me, i hope it makes more sense once i get out there and start taking photos. i did figure out how to adjust some stuff on my camera though.

i'm undecided about trying to get workstudy. i keep going back and forth. ): Last night took forever, i hate working nights and having to clean up after the slobs i work with, but i can work there during Christmas break and Summer vacation, so idk. i wish i could get a raise, we're coming up on a year now.

kaching

Well today was the fourth day of VBS and especially stressful: i'm starting to just disconnect from it all, there's so much overload that i am opting to not go to parent's night tonight (this is also partially because i promised to be at a raid tonight in my new guild before i realized how late the program is starting). After VBS i felt a little shopping therapy was in order. First i went to Tangle and bought the size 4 dpns that i've been putting off for two months. Then i went and browsed at Brown Cycles (they have two locations now, with new bikes at the original store and used bicycles sold on consignment at Dirty Brown Cycles around the corner), but i didn't really like what i saw (the bikes were super expensive and i didn't like the feel of the store to be perfectly honest).

Next i went to the downtown post office and filled out the paperwork for my passport. i had my picture taken and then wrote a check, which they stapled to my application and birth certificate. That is supposed to take a month to arrive. The whole thing was rather anti-climactic.

i went to REI next because i had seen a lot of neat bags that customers have carried from there. i found several that i liked, but i didn't care for their pricetag; i just do not have the budget for a $40-60 purse. The passport carriers (both waist and around the neck varieties that are meant to be worn under clothing) were both overpriced and bleh. They came in tan and black and ranged from $15-35, but all looked like they had shoddy construction (many of the belts were merely cheap elastic). i feel that i could sew something myself for much cheaper that would be prettier and more comfortable. i did kind of like the oversized hiking fanny packs, but they were overpriced as well, some were uncomfortable, and the small cheap ones were UGLY. So i ended up buying nothing whatsoever. i'm wondering if i cannot use a purse, if i must have a fanny pack or cash hidden under my clothing, as it seems a little extreme to be tying a cord around my neck that i can be choked with for my cash and will, in fact, be visible even if it is tucked under my clothing.

Lastly i went to the Bike Shop and spoke with yet another sales person. i think the girl that i spoke to originally no longer works there. After test riding the same bike as last time, one a size smaller, and two other brands' hardtails, i finally decided to put a bike on layaway. The small Diamondback Response Comp '08 is apparently a better quality bike for less than a Cannondale would be, though it is also a bit heavier. The size was perfect and i loved riding it around campus, though of course i did not get to test it on any hills, there was plenty of rough terrain in the temporary parking lots. It doesn't have the trigger shifter that i really liked, but one where you shift only with your thumbs, but of course that means that i never need to take my fingers off the brakes. i feel kind of reckless buying it so suddenly, but it's the only model they have, it fits me perfectly, it's a nicer model for cheaper than the comparable Cannondale, and it's an '08 (so once it's gone, it's gone). The bike even looks good dusty. i didn't expect to purchase a red bike, but it's kind of a rusty color that is okay.

In other news i'm starting to wonder if i should start biking to work and school, if it's even possible without me getting up at 5 a.m. Meh, moving forward, right? i'm not sure if i'll be in a race in July, but i'm planning to be in at least one more race this season and continue training this fall and winter.

rearranging my schedule

When i registered for the fall at the end of March, i was pushing forward, trying to graduate as soon as possible, and worried about how i'm ever going to be able to bring my gpa back up. i basically wasted an entire year, first when i was working at KJCT overtime and flunked out of all my classes (three of which i have retaken and passed), the second semester where everything was over the internet and i dropped the ball during my then-boyfriend's visit (i passed one class with a C, one with a D and flunked the rest, one because the teacher would not work with me and did not accept some of the work i turned in, the other because i gave up). Basically, it turns out that in order to graduate i will need to retake one of those internet courses (but it will not be offered again until next Spring), and i could retake some of the others to bring my gpa back up significantly (i have already brought it up some through a year of good grades). So my schedule was purely graduation driven for the most part, and i was scheduled to take:

ENGL 421 History of Literary Criticism
ENGL 492 Senior Seminar in Writing
ENGL 381 Creative Writing:Fiction
ENGL 296 Topics: Sci-Fi Fantasy
KINA 168 Hatha Yoga & Relaxation

The Sci Fi / Fantasy class i would really love to take but don't need, it's just another elective (and would be more helpful to me as a 300 course). The Yoga is for my back. The first three classes i will have to take sooner or later, they are all required for my major. i felt like i was in a nearly perfect position for graduating next spring.

And then... i discovered that my grandma, Frankie, is taking Katie and Sammy on a cruise, and i really yearned to go. So after much deliberation i have totally juggled my fall schedule to be far less intense (which, to be honest, the break will be very welcome, as last semester's pressure was very stressful) and be able to go on said cruise without totally wrecking my college career. Even if i had pressed ahead, i do not think that i could have graduated next spring because my upper level English courses have a gpa that is too low. i will have to retake the English class that i blew off for Brad in order to graduate, even though it makes no sense from a career point of view (it's not a fiction course, i never should have taken it in the first place), but that will be next spring. So it appears that i will most likely (hopefully) be graduating in Fall 2010. My Fall 2009 course load is now as follows:

On Campus
KINA 168 Hatha Yoga & Relaxation I (for my back)
KINA 141 Mountain Biking (for fun, and in hopes of increasing my cycling skill and opening up new racing opportunities)
MUSP 258 Women's Chorus (i've been missing Mrs. Niles)

Online
SOCO 144 Marriage and Families (retaking this Sociology course with the same professor, i hope i don't regret it)
ARTE 118 History of Art, Prehistory to Renaissance (required for the Art Minor i don't know that i'll ever finish)

Waitlisted
Online - ENGL 343 Language Systems and Linguistic Diversity (another attempt to pick up an upper level elective and bring up my gpa; it should look good on my transcript)
On Campus - MASS 320 Fundamentals of Photojournalism (a very popular course, i don't know if i'll be able to get in: i would not be able to miss any classes before the cruise)

So it looks and feels like i'm slacking in a way, but i think it will round out my transcript and education nicely. It really hinges on me getting into my waitlisted classes in a way, i need one more class (i haven't dropped the Creative Writing: Fiction class yet as a result). i thought about taking World Geography again (failed while working at KJCT), but it would be in Montrose, and i'm not sure they would like me missing 2-3 classes, and i wouldn't be able to take Chorus again. i might switch it back, but i really don't want to commute that again (i did so for my second semester of Spanish). i don't know which of the two waitlisted classes i would rather take (both have pros and cons), but this does mean that i will need internet access on the cruise. It also means that my work schedule will become utterly plausible, even easier than this past semester, but will require me to shift to working MWF instead of TR. Maybe i could get some Saturdays off? Of course, i would prefer just to film the football team again, but i don't know if that's going to happen.

Things i will most likely have to buy:
my own mountain bike or a hybrid bike (can't use Mom's forever)
a nice digital camera (or use the camera Grandpa Jocko gave me, which uses film, an added expense)

All in all, i'm excited.

eek!

So first off, a big wow, but i have swam, rode, and ran 48.13 miles so far this month. In other news, the Highline Hustle Sprint Triathlon is in just over four weeks, and my training kind of fell by the wayside during the pressure of finals, but school is over for the semester! i haven't gotten to relax like i did today in a good six months it seems like.

i survived the last week of classes!!!

/gasp It's so shocking, i never thought i'd get here, i even turned in my U.S. Lit paper on time (albeit barely six pages instead of a full six pages long). It was funny, i had just gotten to my desk in Brit Lit this morning when a wave of nostalgia ran over me: i'm going to miss the girl's corner we had going on and Brian, who sometimes kind of reminded me of Brad. i will not miss Brit Romanticism (though i enjoyed some of the girls in there, too), and actually came to like Hancock (despite the Obama groupieness). And of course i will miss Professor Christ (pronounced krihsst, not how you would think) even if Creative Writing was very easy, she's so funny and nice. Now i have to finish writing a 7-8 page paper and rewrite the 8 page Monk fiasco before finals on Wednesday and also have one final on Thursday.

Oh, i am also halfway through my triathlon training now! i totally ditched yesterday, i think i was overtired cuz of the race and speed drills, plus i didn't have time to work, finish papers, and exercise, so i had to make a sacrifice and had a half triathlon today. If i maintain the speed i did today, theoretically i can finish the full sprint triathlon in under three hours, however i am hoping to improve my time. It breaks down as follows:
8 min 250m swim (~16 min 500m swim, i hope to bring this down to 12min)
30 min 4 mi. ride (~2 hour 16 mi ride, i hope to bring this down a lot! the stationary bike was wonky, based on my ride last Sunday i should be able to ride 16 mi. in 1 hr. 49 mins. at my current speed, i don't know how much i'll be able to chisel that down over the next few weeks)
10 min .8 mi. run (~40 min. 3.2 mi. run, i'd like to get this down to half an hour)

i have my work cut out for me!

TriNewb W6D1 + 2

Yesterday i ran speed drills for 20 mins. with 5 mins. of warm up and cool down (for a total of 30 mins.). i really feel as if my training is causing my running to suffer. i am not saying that my running was ever easy, but it seems harder than ever. My bicycle riding is progressing nicely, and my swimming is going very well. Today i swam 64m sets, and another person complimented me on my form (she asked if i've always been able to swim "like that" and said she wished that she could swim like me). i had a little trouble with my breathing (i wasn't getting out of breath, but about halfway through my workout i stopped breathing out underwater), but overall the workout went well. The water tasted nasty today and i got a bit overheated so i didn't get in the hot tub after my workout.

In other news, my elastic shoelaces got here the day before my bra did. Part of the trouble with my run on Tuesday was that my laces were too tight and i was still worn out from my ride on Sunday. i wore my new bra today, haven't ran in it yet, but i can honestly say it's the best sports bra i have ever had. It's very comfortable and supportive.

School has been going as well as can be hoped: i have 3 poems to workshop for one class, a 2 page paper to write, and a 6 page paper to finish for Friday. For tomorrow all i need to do is read some of the 9/11 poems to discuss in class tomorrow. i have a feeling that it's going to be another long night.

Tri Training W5D4

So today i watched Katie's relay team win both of their heats! One was an all girl relay (she ran third, catching up with the other runners, while the first and second girls had been in last) and won first place overall, the other had two boys and two girls and won second place overall. It was exciting, and my face got a bit sunburned.

Today my swim was increased to 400m; i expected it to take me half an hour but it only took me about twenty minutes. My heartrate got a little bit higher, spiking at 150 bpm two or three times, but still spent most of its time in the 132 bpm range. i bought a swim towel which is weird: it doesn't feel like a normal towel, but it's supposed to absorb a lot of water quickly.

On Thursday i got some Clif bars on sale at City Market and tried them. No adverse digestion affects that i could tell! i actually enjoyed them despite the soy. i wanted to get ready for race day tomorrow and also make sure that they didn't make me sick so come Triathlon day if i eat them i'm not puking off the side of my (Mom's) bike / the trail.

Today i also bought the supplies for a race belt: total cost came in under $4. The only one i could find in town was something like $12 while most online are $10-15. i realized once i got to Hi Fashion Fabric that i could have (should have?) made my own elastic laces and worn them tomorrow, but they're already paid for (and finally on their way) so not much point now. So much for two day shipping, however, seeing how the bra is scheduled to arrive on the 5th and the laces the 6th-11th. To be perfectly honest, the laces weren't two day shipping, but i don't understand why it took the bra over twenty-four hours to leave the warehouse (it shipped about an hour ago). i ordered it on Thursday morning for crying out loud, it should be getting here tomorrow!

Lastly, i went shopping for shorts (mine are old and a little loose and worn out) and discovered that the current trend for athletic shorts leaves them... way too short. i don't want to buy shorts that are shorter than my fingertips when my arms are at my side. i don't want to buy shorts that are so baggy that i feel like my bum is hanging out. And i don't want to buy shorts that are so see through that my pantyline is blatantly obvious. Those shorts made me feel half naked. It also seems that my size is somewhere between a L and XL at Target and a perfect XL at JCPenney. The shorts were on sale, but i decided that i don't want any shorts that are in my current size, tyvm, i want shorts in size L. It's going to be soooo weird not having to hunt for XLs as much (though to be perfectly honest i'll probably always be looking for XL or XXL tops because of my bust size).

Anyway, training is coming along well, i'm looking forward to the race in the morning, and then i have a paper to write.

training and school

If you've been checking out my Facebook or MapMyTri, you know that i've been continuing to train. i'm not enjoying the gym at St. Mary's thus far, all of the elliptical trainers are causing me injury instead of preventing them. Next time i will have to use one of the treadmills, which isn't a great option because the really good ones have a twenty minute time limit and the they're all old. Running outside would be so much better but would require me to drive somewhere good to run. The ellipticals at Mesa's gym are so much better, but then, the pool is closed there. One thing that is driving me crazy is riding the bikes indoors, there's nothing wrong with them, but i get so hot indoors and would really love to feel a breeze.

Today in US Lit my group finally did our oral report. i only had five minutes, and i was so nervous that i wasn't as articulate as i would have liked. i didn't have enough time to say what i would have liked, but i haven't frozen so bad ever before, i don't think i could have done it without my notes. i'm much more comfortable speaking from my desk than from a podium.

Now that is out of the way, i have another reading response to write and a research paper to work on... and that's only for U.S. Lit. In British Romanticism i ahve an 8 page literary analysis to write on one of the poems or authors we've covered this semester (the bright spot in this is that i won't have any classes the week after next in that class, only conferences with the teacher to work on our final papers) and an open book test to study for. In Brit Lit we have a presentation next week (sounds easy enough, but he hasn't discussed it in class yet) and another paper Monday (that he also hasn't discussed yet). Creative Writing is my easy class, we write about a poem a week and i will have to revise about 5 of them for my final portfolio.

So, to sum up: 8 page paper, 5-6 page paper, 2-3 page paper, oral report, portfolio. My training is keeping me centered right now: i'm thinking of trying a new church but have been too exhausted to get out of bed far too many Sunday mornings (it's basically the only day i feel i can sleep in without getting fired or flunking). i'm most worried about my grade in Brit Lit, what papers he FINALLY handed back didn't look good. At this point, i'll be happy with a B in there, and i really wanted to make straight A's this semester. Yeah, don't think i'll be blogging much for the rest of the semester. i'd like to post my papers and poems though, we'll have to see if i can find the time.

Tri Training W3D1

So today i swam 200m (100 free, 100 breast) and made good time doing it: it took me about 12 mins. Next i headed to Stoker Stadium to use the track. i warmed up on lap one, ran lap two, and then ran intervals the next two laps (mostly running the straightaways and walking the curves), and walked the final lap to cool down for a final distance of about 1.375 mi. After yesterday's bike ride i'm pretty tired and do have some sore bones in my butt... or pelvis or whatever, they're sore from being sat on a certain way, not from friction or anything. Anyway, i didn't feel strong today, was starving after my workout, and tried to eat more protein today.

i looked into joining St. Mary's Life Center but am really disgusted with the fact that you have to have a $50 initial session with a trainer unless you get the two-week pass first. It would be slightly more expensive for me to join the life center than continue paying cash to go to the Orchard Mesa Pool, but of course that's only if i don't use the gym as well (i would probably be using it some, but would like to predominately train outside). The pass is cheapest per swim, but will only cover eleven of my swims before Memorial Day (at which point it can't be used until Labor Day); after that i will still have six more swims. The plus side of the pool pass is that i can share it with family members, i can't do that with the gym membership, and i will be able to use the pass again next fall. Unfortunately it's buying in bulk and thus expensive. i could just continue to pay the individual fee each time i go in... which comes to about the same amount as the gym membership. Argh, i'm talking in circles.

...

Upon further contemplation, the two-week pass and one month of membership sound like the best bet, because that will only be four swim sessions left without a membership, which comes to about $.14 cheaper per swim than paying cash every time i go to the Orchard Mesa Pool. At that point i can go to any pool (Lincoln Park's pool will be open) or Highline Lake itself to practice swimming in open water. A day long park pass is $6, camping overnight is $14, which would be good for swimming one afternoon and biking the course the next day or vice versa. Hmm, maybe i should do a brick then. i sure am feeling ambitious considering how tired i am right now, i hope this gets better. Can i run a full 30 mins. again on Friday? i didn't feel like i could today.

i really, really need to do some research for next week's presentation for U.S. Lit. and i am totally unmotivated.